Taking The Colbert Questionert

I may have only been watching The Late Show with Stephen Colbert since last fall (the short-lived suspension of Jimmy Kimmel Live! in September is what turned me on to the late night circuit - ironically, Trump and FCC thug Brendan Carr have only amplified the signals they've been trying to censor, as these things tend to go), but it's become a nightly routine (well, four nights a week, anyway) for at least seven months now.

Along with Jon Stewart and the revolving hosts of The Daily Show, Seth Meyers (host of Late Night), and John Oliver from Last Week Tonight (also: Jimmy Fallon, but I don't watch his show regularly), these comedians have helped me to cope with the unprecedented levels of corruption in our federal government right now (all thanks to the MAGA Republicans in power, who are smashing, grabbing, and dismantling democracy one piece at a time), creating a sense of camaraderie through mutual outrage, and making the news just a little bit easier to swallow, by sprinkling it with a healthy dose of good humor.

It is, therefore, in honor of The Late Show being prematurely retired as of this week, and in dedication to Stephen Colbert - who, as Bruce Springsteen put it, is "the first guy in America who's lost his show because we got a president who can't take a joke" - that I thought it would be fun to answer the patented Colbert Questionert, a running feature that only this week was finally, and with great anticipation, turned around on the host himself (and administered by a revolving cast of celebrity guests). Here are my own answers:

Best sandwich?

In college, at the campus grill, I was introduced to the turkey melt. It's a grilled sandwich, combining chopped turkey with cheddar cheese, and (optionally) diced tomatoes. To this day, it's still one of my favorite things to make at home. Although, lately I've taken to using diced jalapeno in place of tomato, to get that irresistible jalapeno/cheddar flavor.

What was your first concert?

I like to tell people it was seeing The Who in 2002 at Hersheypark Stadium, with Robert Plant opening, but in truth, that was my second concert. The first one was actually X-Fest, earlier that year. It was a bit of an ordeal. I was dragged there by my girlfriend - who convinced me to lie to get out of school early (something that weighed heavily on my conscience). So it wasn't really my scene; but what made it so miserable was the cold and the pouring rain. I remember huddling in the shelter of a public restroom for warmth at one point. The only music I remember was Rob Zombie playing Dragula (or, as I knew it at the time, the "burn the witches" song).

What is the scariest animal?

I can't argue with Stephen Colbert's answer to this question, although I would generalize it somewhat. Unfortunately, I suffer from arachnophobia, so the irrational terror I feel around spiders is magnitudes greater than any reasonable fear I might experience in the presence of any other animal.

Apples or oranges?

Although I'm not in the habit of putting peanut butter on apples (bananas are a different story), I'd still pick apples over oranges. I'm not especially fond of the citrus fruits.

Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

Yes. I prefer genuine interactions to superficial tokens like a person's signature, but I do have a good story to share on this subject. I'm a huge fan of a retro rock band named Silvertide that came out of Philly in the mid-aughts. I even drove out of state once to be in the crowd during the filming of a concert DVD (which was ultimately scrapped). When my college sent out a campus-wide email scouting ideas for bands to book, I recommended Silvertide. In a small night club on campus, to a crowd of no more than a few dozen people, I got to see them play up close and personal, and then hung out with them after the show. I had the entire band sign a t-shirt, which I still have to this day. It's a shame the band fizzled out so quickly, because they were really good.

What do you think happens when we die?

I'm a scientist and an atheist, so I think the most plausible scenario is that we simply cease to be. There may be a brief transition period, but afterward, there are no more sensations or perceptions. We are no more. All that is left is for our bodies to dissolve and be recycled back into the environment. The closest facsimile would be a dreamless sleep from which we never awake. Which isn't so bad. That said, it's not a rational fear, but if I let my conscious mind dwell too long on the thought of what it must be like to stop existing, I begin to feel a psychological sense of vertigo, like I'm standing on the brink of an infinite void of darkness. So I just try my best to ignore it, and distract myself with the business of living.

Favorite action movie?

My favorite cinematic genre is horror, but I've given this a little bit of thought, and I'm gonna say Aliens. The way that James Cameron came in, and produced a successful follow-up to a paranoid, claustrophobic thriller (not unlike The Thing) - by opening up the scope and ramping up the adrenaline, pitting an elite platoon of space marines against an army of deadly xenomorphs, while introducing (or meaningfully evolving) iconic characters with eminently quotable lines, advancing the biology of the species in a way that felt both natural and spectacular, and still scaring the pants off of audiences - it's one of the best sequels of all time.

Window or aisle?

I would probably lean towards window because I like the view, but Stephen does bring up a good point. I've only flown a few times in my life, and I've never used the bathroom on a plane (not even flying 13 hours to Japan, across the Pacific). But that's one of the things that stresses me out the most about the thought of flying (along with being gender profiled by TSA, having my luggage mishandled, and being crowded into a tight space with lots of people). I think I'd rather have the window seat, and just use the bathroom on the ground and take my chances...

Favorite smell?

I don't pay a lot of attention to smells - generally, no smell is a good smell in my book. But when it comes to fragrances, my first choice is usually coconut. But you can't go wrong with the smell of good food cooking.

Least favorite smell?

There are the usual smells most people don't like, which I don't feel the need to repeat here. I think it would be more revealing to mention a somewhat "normal" smell that I can't stand. And that would either be vinegar, or Ranch dressing. Even sour cream and yogurt just smells like spoilt milk to me.

Earliest memory?

I actually have a really great answer to this question, and it's something I've talked about before. My earliest memory is being cradled in somebody's arms (I assume it was my mother), surrounded by people in yellow raincoats, with the thunderous roar of water crashing down all around me. I remember thinking for a long time that it had just been an especially vivid dream I'd had, until I learned from my parents that we'd visited Niagara Falls when I was a baby.

Cats or dogs?

I feel like "dogs" is the popular answer, but I have to go with cats on this one - even though I'm allergic to cats. Cats are quiet, and keep to themselves. Dogs are obnoxious. They're loud, and they won't leave you alone. They insist on putting their paws all over you, and their kisses always involve tongue. I'm actually happiest being pet-free, but if forced to choose, I would take a cat over a dog.

You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?

I think Stephen was right when he said that this was the cruelest question (even harder than "what happens when we die?"), and so I'm not going to overthink it. It's Cowgirl in the Sand by Neil Young & Crazy Horse - the song I've played on guitar more times than any other. Once, I even listened to it ten times in a row during a period of emotional turmoil! As a guitarist, even if this question extends to playing music, this song is versatile enough that I can play the chords and sing it pretty, or jam out with heavy feedback on the long, instrumental passages. So that has to be my choice.

What number am I thinking of?

I actually knew the answer to this question before Stephen answered it - because somebody else had already figured it out. If the reason he picked "3" is because of the symbolism of the trinity (Colbert is famously Catholic), I think if I had to answer the question I'd guess 666, just to see his reaction. Not in a mean-spirited way, mind you. But I think it would have been funny, and might well have teased out some clues prior to the ultimate revelation we got this week.

Describe the rest of your life in five words.

And this, too, shall pass.