Jaywalking (or Freewalking)

(In the sense of being naked as a jaybird, of course.)

I hadn't been outside in the past week or so (boy, it sounds pathetic when I put it that way), as I've been somewhat busy with a number of things. But I checked TWC (The Weather Channel, er, .com) on a whim tonight and was elated when I saw the current temp marked at 73 degrees. Anything over 70 in the deep of night is usually good for checking out. I was also a little frustrated with the photos I was shooting, not quite getting what I wanted, so I decided in the moment that it would be great just to go out and get a good walk.

It was comfortable - high humidity, but not overly warm (not that I would have minded a little bit more warmth), and the grass was a bit damp from earlier rains - but there wasn't much wetness. It was just about 2am when I went out, which is a pretty good time for a weeknight. Sporadic cloud covering and not much in the way of moonlight. Quiet, not a lot of house lights on up or down the street. I went out completely naked with no gear and covering (not even shoes), and I decided I'd go for that walk just the way I was. I was also feeling particularly ambitious, so I decided to go farther than the short block that I've done completely nude before. So you could definitely say I expanded my boundaries again tonight.

I went around the "long" block. All the way up to the 5-way intersection, a short stretch from the local main thoroughfare. About halfway there, a car did actually come down the road I was walking up, but I lucked out, as there was sufficient time and sufficient shrubbery right beside me to hide behind when I noticed the headlights coming over the crest of the hill. I was a little concerned about whether or not I'd be seen easily in the headlights, even behind the thick shrubbery, but I ducked down and the car passed and there was no incident. I never liked the idea of going onto people's property to hide, seeing as you never know what kind of defenses they might have, and also by entering their property, you're putting yourself in an even more delicate situation if you get caught. But the bush was there, and I felt like hiding, and it worked out just fine, I think. I got a little bit wet brushing up against the bush, but I only mention that in interest; it's not like it was any sort of problem.

So anyway, back to that 5-way intersection. A lot more street lights around that part, but I got lucky, and made the turn down the hill without any cars coming past. Although, a bunch of cars went through that intersection after me, which made me nervous, but I was down the hill at that point, and none of them came in my direction. Whew.

I certainly wasn't gonna head towards the thoroughfare - it was getting busy enough just where I was. So I went down the hill towards the elementary school. Which, is maybe an even more delicate area to be caught nearby, but it's the direction I wanted to go, and I was pretty confident in the lack of overnight traffic in that particular area, and really, it's not like I was/had plans of doing anything bad. I passed the corner of the school without incident, and made it back to the darker, more secluded streets, heading back towards home now, in a loop.

On my way back, another car crossed my path, and this time, though I had plenty of forewarning, it occurred at a spot where there wasn't anything to hide behind within close distance. I wasn't completely unprepared for a car passing me, but still, when it happens, you get jumpy. I didn't want to be completely exposed, so I sat down by the curb in front of a house that had their yard light on anyway, and just acted natural. The car went past me without incident, although there's no possible way they couldn't have seen me. I didn't try to pretend I wasn't there, but I didn't do anything odd either. The car passed, and to my horror, turned into a driveway up the road. I wondered, do they live there? When they get out of the car, are they going to ignore me, or do something? Should I just start walking away, or continue sitting there, as if it was no big deal? Well, it didn't take long for the car to pull out of the driveway, and start heading back in my direction.

I bet you're on the edge of your seat right now. Well, I was too. I considered the possibility that the driver was actually a cop, coming back to ask me a few questions. But at that point, I had pretty much steeled myself against the "getting caught" factor, and figured I could just reason myself out of any serious trouble. And if not, so be it. It's my innocence against the crooked justice system. Not much I can do but accept it.

Well anyway, there was a turnoff in the road right there, between me and the driveway the car turned into, and that's the road the car turned off onto, instead of coming back towards me. Was it just a case of missing the turn? Or was there something else going on? Was the driver so totally shocked at the sight he saw, that he just had to get a second glimpse, however brief, and from a distance, just to make sure he hadn't imagined it, or just been dreaming? or did he want to confirm the name of the street/location of the intersection, so that he could describe it to the cops when he got home? Who the hell knows, the car was gone, and I was up and continued walking, and nothing more came of it. Though of course by that time I was once again thinking about how much it sucks that I can't just do my own thing - which doesn't hurt anyone - without all this fear, anxiety and paranoia.

I thought about what might happen if I just went out in broad daylight, and walked around naked. I mean, really, what's the huge deal? Would people be more tolerant of it than I expect - seeing, as I do, that it's really not that big a deal? Suppose the reason people don't do it isn't because there's necessarily anything wrong with it, but just that it doesn't cross their mind as something they'd want to do. In other words, maybe this stigma that haunts me is just imagined.

I'm not that naive. But still, what would happen? People would get upset for seeing more than they want to see? Because they think I have evil, instead of pure, intentions, and it's their prerogative to turn me in to earn another merit badge from God? Because they think somehow their children will be spoiled for life for seeing the natural form of a human being, which they could see just as easily by looking in the bathroom mirror?

How much power, exactly, do people - individually or collectively - have in this world - in this country - to dictate the kind of life another person should lead, even if that person is doing no real harm to anyone? Do we really live in such a non-free world? I certainly believe it's possible. But I also feel like it needs to be tested. And if there really is no freedom, then that's something that should be brought to our attention. Because something needs to be done about it.

What would happen? People could complain - and simply because "they don't like it", the authoritative branch of this country's government would have all the permission they need to enforce their will against mine. So my liberty is being stripped away from me. What if I refuse to follow their conventions? Would I have to pay fines? They'd force me into poverty, so that I'd be a homeless bum roaming the streets - without even enough money to /own/ clothes. Is that what they'd do? They'd make money off of me? Could they put me in jail? At least then there'd be no denying that what it is they're doing is stripping my liberty away from me.

I'm not unfamiliar with that guy in the UK, the Naked Rambler or whatever he's called, who made a point to walk naked across the country(s). I think he's in jail currently. So it could happen. If I refuse to follow their ill-defined rules, I could end up in jail. Like Ghandi. Or something. Civil disobedience. I just can't see how I can be true to myself and continue to let them take my liberty away. As long as I'm out here, not in jail, I have the choice to live the way I want to. The only reason I don't is because I fear that jail cell.

And yet I was thinking today about how my life is a jail cell - a really nice one, and not particularly in the physical sense, but a psychological jail cell. Of my own making. Maybe being put in a jail cell of somebody else's making will help me define the boundaries between me and the rest of the world. Maybe it would put me in place. Some place. The best thing that could happen by roaming around naked and ignoring people's complaints would be an enforced mental therapy program. I need therapy. I know I need therapy. But I don't know where to go or how to get it. So maybe they could show me the way. Still, my therapy is for a different issue. It's for the bars /I/ put around me, not the one's /they/ put around me.

At least things would happen. Not this neverending stalemate.

Ironically, the only places in America that are truly free, are the places in which the government has no jurisdiction - and of course these are often hidden, fleeting places. Liberty is not compatible with justice for all. All this time, I thought my refusal to recite the pledge of allegiance was simply due to laziness (not to mention lack of desire to conform to the masses who all stand up in unison and recite the pledge day in and day out, or the fact that the pledge insists that there's some kind of connection between our country and God - oh there is one, but it only exists in people's minds, and overall, it makes the country a worse place), but I must have known subconsciously that it was just a hypocritical oath. I took one of those myspace-style tests recently to see how patriotic I was (cuz these things are obviously official), and I was expecting to be the total anti-patriot. But, to my surprise, I got the full score in patriotism! The test explained how it worked, and to my great satisfaction and approval, the patriotism score had nothing to do with one's pride for their country - the only thing that mattered was adherence to the ideals that the country was founded on. That just goes to show you how far we've fallen...

Burning Man Travel Plan (Getting Back)

Okay, here's the plan for the home stretch, subject to the same disclaimers as the "to" plan.

Monday, September 1 - Burning Man is over. I anticipate getting up and out early, because it's a lo-o-ong drive through empty desert roads to get to Rachel, and they might not let us in (at the Little A-Le-Inn) if we get there too late. Plus, Rachel is like, tiny, so I doubt there's any hotels or even motels (except for the Little A-Le-Inn), and it /is/ in the middle of nowhere after all. (Incidentally, it looks like you can actually get a pretty good look at Area 51 on Google Maps. Kinda surprising. Check it out if you don't believe me). Anyhow, it's a good 7 hour drive to Rachel, and that's not taking into account Burning Man traffic. The route includes a stretch on US-50, the Loneliest Road in America, as well as potentially passing through some true ghost towns, Indian Reservations (as much as I wanted to love the Indians, I've heard some stories about the Tribal Police), and of course, the final stretch on the Extraterrestrial Highway (NV-375). Should be an unforgettable experience. I just hope we don't break down or run out of gas an hour's drive from the nearest semblance of civilization...

Tuesday, September 2 - Be nice to have some time to appreciate being a horizon away from Area 51 - they say the night sky out there is beautiful (for a number of potential reasons) - but there's lotsa driving to be done. At the very least, being able to see the Little A-Le-Inn will be really cool. Day 2 involves a lot more empty desert roads, but I decided it would be best to kill the detour and meet back up with I-80 as soon as possible, just to simplify things. And to cross the Great Salt Lake Desert a second time. I anticipate passing through Salt Lake City and making it up to Rock Springs, WY, where we stopped on the way out. The plan at this point has us stopping in the same places we stopped on the way out, for simplicity sake - of course, adjustments can be made as necessary. By the way, the trip from Rachel to Rock Springs is a good 9.5 hours, not including stops etc.

Wednesday, September 3 - The rest of the way home is pretty uneventful. Back on I-80 already, decompressing from the festival and the lonely desert roads of Nevada, and headed home. From Rock Springs, it's another 9.5 hours of driving back to Lincoln, NE (passing through Cheyenne, WY at about the 1/3 mark).

Thursday, September 4 - Lincoln to Omaha to Des Moines to Iowa City, eventually to Chicago. 8 hours of driving - a gradual easing up as we near the end of the trip. Eating at Uno's again is entirely up to how we're feeling at that point in the trip, as well as when we get to Chicago, where we stay, etc. But at this point, all that's left is the home stretch.

Friday, September 5 - From Chicago, 7.5 hours back to Pittsburgh. And that's that. Unpack. Unwind. Unravel. Take the car back the next day before noon. And there you have it. I /still/ think it'll be a miracle if this trip works out. But it sure won't be easy to forget. It'll also be a miracle if I have any money left afterwards. I hope I find something at Burning Man that'll help me live my life. Because if I don't, I'll be spiraling the drain.

College Memories (3) - Pathetic Fallacy (1)

As a side note, pathetic fallacy is a term I learned in Junior High School, I believe. I used it in a writing assignment, and the teacher told me what the device was called, and I've latched onto it ever since. Come to think of it, I learned the term onomatopoeia the same way. Or maybe that /was/ onomatopoeia. But then where did I learn pathetic fallacy? Ah well, the point is, I've been fond of the term ever since I learned it years ago, regardless of how I learned it. But that's neither here nor there.

You might remember The Window Story I wrote a little while back. The purely fictitious one. Well, it turns out that it's a completely true story. Okay, completely true with a little creative license. But there /was/ a girl and she /was/ very beautiful and I /did/ actually make a habit of sitting in my window waiting and watching, just to catch a mere fleeting glimpse of her. If you know me, and were around me in that environment at that point in my life, then I think there's no doubt of who the girl in question is (Jefferson Airplane - It's No Secret), and if not, then there's not much point in trying to identify her. So I will refer to her generically (and not particularly creatively) as Lady L. Partly because, considering how things happened, I don't really feel like I have any sort of possession over or right to use her name anyway. But mostly for the same reason that people don't like to utter the devil's true name for fear of inviting his power and control over their fragile hearts.

Don't get me wrong, she was not evil - in fact, she was much closer to an angel. But considering how I feel about God, I think you can understand my perspective. I will likely attribute all sorts of amazing powers to this girl whenever I invoke her likeness in any of my recountings of tales of days gone past, but you must understand that most of the power she had over me was likely a result of my own weakness, and that she was in fact very innocent and did not possess any malicious intent. At least as far as I could tell. But sometimes being kind hurts a hell of a lot more than being mean. Just try to keep this in mind.

She put a spell on me. Not by her will, but I was rendered powerless just the same. It's the kind of spell that a plantation worker puts on his zombies to get them to work in the field. You don't actually realize that you're under the spell at first, and you tend to react to your thoughts and feelings with denial, trying to rationalize your situation in any number of reasonable ways so long as they studiously avoid the truth - that you are a mindless slave, and you don't even have the will to resist. Of course, this all happens without actually dwelling on that possibility, so that it seems as if it were the last thing in the world that could be true. But it is true.

The first significant interaction (and I use that term loosely) I recall having with Lady L occurred at the end of my first semester at college. It was the lull before finals week. My dorm and the adjoining dorm was having some kind of get-together that evening, just to hang out, play some games, have some food, raffle off some crap, and things of that nature. Knowing that Lady L lived in the adjoining dorm,
I figured that it just might be a chance to see her. So I braved the social storm. She was there, along with what I believe were her two best friends at the time. I spent most of that get-together standing off to the side, against the wall, silently watching over the people moving around me - the way I tend to do.

Eventually, the crowds thinned out, and Lady L and her "entourage" acknowledged my existence, considering that we should have at least been aware of each other from our involvement in the anime club. They generally made me feel welcome, and we hung out casually until it was pretty much down to three of us - including L's closest friend (who was especially friendly). Would it be inconsiderate if I referred to her as Kinky K? I use the term in a most endearing manner. I remember that we played foosball and some card games (even though card games have never really been my thing), and I'm pretty sure that I generally made a fool of myself (although I could be biased). We all seemed to be having good fun, though.

There was just one problem. I had a radio show to dj that night. I think they were kind of impressed when I told them about it, but I was very reluctant to leave, even for something that I enjoy as much as hosting a radio show. But it would have been unreasonable (and probably have looked unfavorable) to blow it off, so I had to leave. I bid the two farewell, and trudged off into the driving rain. It wasn't just raining hard at this point, it was also cold, and very muddy. And here's the worst part: when I got to the radio station, I found a note there waiting, informing me that there were to be no radio shows for the rest of the semester. My co-host and I had chosen to do a show that night, thinking that it would be okay, considering that finals hadn't actually started yet, but our judgement was apparently incorrect.

So I trudged back to the dorms, in the cold, driving rain and slippery mud, my spirit downhearted. On a whim, I swang by the common room where the earlier get-together had been held, but peeking in, the two girls were nowhere to be seen - they most certainly had gone up to their rooms. This depressed me greatly, but I wasn't about to creep (deliberate word choice) around their doorsteps. So I swallowed my sorrow and returned to my room. But the effect that night had on me was irreversible.

The Dark Knight

By popular demand, here's a few notes on the new Batman movie, which I saw over opening weekend.

Overall impression - very good movie. Not perfect, but very entertaining, and certainly above the curve compared to other action and superhero movies coming out these days. Was it better than Batman Begins? Tough question. I'm tempted to say Batman Begins was better, but this movie was also very good and it could probably use some more time to sink in.

One thing that struck me particularly in this movie is that I have a hard time seeing Christian Bale as Batman. Frankly, I think he's a lot more convincing as the floozy billionaire than the Dark Knight. Plus, his gruff "Batman voice" sounds kind of forced - I can't remember if it bothered me or not in the last Batman movie, but it was kind of distracting in this one. I might be partly biased against the characterization of Christian Bale since seeing American Psycho, which, even moreso than Equilibrium, has engraved a certain personality into my head of what Christian Bale is supposed to be like. Oh well, Batman is Batman, regardless of who's behind the mask.

It's easier to air my grievances than to talk about what I liked, since the grievances stand out more against the backdrop of a good movie, I suppose. I kind of got the feeling that there was too much in the way of chase scenes - with the Batmobile or the Batcycle. But hey, it's an action movie, so what can you expect?

So let's talk about this Rachel Dawes character. I have to admit, I was entirely confused when I saw Maggie Gyllenhaal's face on the screen. I totally did not make the connection that she was supposed to be playing the same role that Katie Holmes played in Batman Begins. So I had no idea who this character was and why she seemed to have such a personal connection to Batman. In fact, I didn't figure it out until after the movie. With her going "Harvey, Harvey" all over the place, I was entirely convinced that she was going to become Joker's sidekick, Harley Quinn, which would have been freaking awesome. But since that didn't happen, I was kind of disappointed...

As for Two-Face, I was completely surprised to see him in the movie. Everybody knew The Joker would play a large role in this title, considering the way the previous movie ended, but Two-Face to me was a surprise. And a pleasant surprise - I like Two-Face, I think he's a really cool villain. However, up to about 3/4 of the way through the film, I was certain that they were setting Harvey Dent up to become the villain in the next Batman movie, so I was surprised when his role as Two-Face started playing out in complete right here in this film. On a related note, this movie was definitely very long, but my perception might have been influenced by the fact that I really had to take a piss towards the end but I couldn't justify getting up before it was over...

Shall we talk about The Joker? I have nothing but good things to say about The Joker's characterization in this film. That having been said, I don't think the success of these new Batman adaptations should necessarily render obsolete the excellent Tim Burton versions of Batman and Batman Returns. I think Jack Nicholson played a great Joker, and his role shouldn't be eclipsed by this new Joker, who is at least as good. I think they should both be considered as different interpretations that are each worth exploring. But anyway, Heath Ledger's Joker is awesome. I'm not influenced by the hype, and I have no agenda to honor the dead - but it's true that it was a good role executed well. The Joker's philosophies on chaos and disorder and everything he preached were very interesting - even convincing. And as a villain, he definitely had that cool that all the best villains have to have.

What else to say? The theme of the movie was good. I think that exploring Batman's origins in Batman Begins was slightly more interesting, but I love the ideas presented in this film, especially along the lines of Batman being "The Dark Knight", and being successful /because/ he chooses not to be a hero, that he's the one who is capable of making the tough decisions that softer people can't handle.

Comparing the villains to the previous movie, The Joker and Two-Face is a strong pair, but I have to admit I always liked the idea of The Scarecrow - which was executed exquisitely in Batman Begins. As for Ra's Al Ghul, I had never heard of him, and yet he made an equally awesome villain in that movie. It's saying a lot that they were able to make those lesser known villains every bit as interesting as The Dark Knight's more well-known names. But now it sounds like I'm reviewing Batman Begins...

I definitely caught the reference to Catwoman in this movie, even if it was just a passing homage to please the fans. I don't know what the plans are on making any more Batman movies, or what villains will turn up, but I will always be excited to see a new take on Catwoman. Even though I have a hard time believing that /anyone/ will be able to top Michelle Pfeiffer's performance in Batman Returns, Catwoman is just such a cool character that I would never object to seeing more of her (unless she's really really terrible - I haven't even seen Halle Berry's interpretation, but I know enough to know that it's not worth it).

Another villain I will always be excited to see is The Riddler - I've always liked The Riddler, and not just because he wears green. I think Jim Carrey's performance in Batman Forever leaves something to be desired. Too cartoony. I'd love to see a serious and pathological Riddler. And that's exactly the kind of personality you'd expect to find in these new Batman movies. But only time will tell who (if anyone) we'll get to see.

I have to admit, even though The Joker wasn't killed or anything at the end of this movie (oops, was that a spoiler?), I don't have any major expectations of seeing him turn up again, and not because the actor that played him is dead. It just feels like to me, this is the villain in this movie, and that's the villain in that movie. Although, the Scarecrow /did/ show up in this movie, but in a pathetic practically-cameo role which didn't really make sense or add anything to the story. Unless I missed something. Sure Batman and Joker are arch-rivals and they complete each other and all that, but this isn't a TV show - this is movies, and each new movie focuses on a new villain. That's just what I'm used to though - feel free to change the formula.

Burning Man Travel Plan (Getting There)

Burning Man is becoming like the end-of-semester project that I keep putting off again and again, until the last minute, at which point I put it off a little bit longer... I guess the best way to make me disappear would be to give me something that needs doing.

Burning Man Travel Plan

(Open to revisions, questions, comments, suggestions, and the general whims of the open road.)

This is the first time I've gone on a road trip (meaning multiple consecutive days on the road), so it should be quite an experience. Especially because I am the captain by default, and there's noone I can really foist the duties of command on to.

It all starts on Wednesday, August 20. Pick up the rental minivan. This gives me a little time to get to know the car, and gives us some time to pack up stuff before the last minute, so as to avoid inevitable start-time delays.

Thursday, August 21 - Get up in the morning. Early, but not insanely early. Have breakfast, do last minute prep, and then the journey begins. It should take (according to Google Maps) about 7.5 hours to drive to Chicago, our first stop. If we get on the road by, say, 8am, then that gives us enough time to get to Chicago before or right around dinner time, including time for a few stops along the way. I propose finding some [hopefully] cheap hotel near the highway to get a room for the night. Then we can drive into the city and seek out Uno's. I'm assuming that Chicago is comparable to NYC, since that's the only real "big city" experience I've had. Anyway, I should like to think that we'd find some parking nearby Uno's, where we can then have a delicious dinner. Hopefully the restaurant isn't booked solid - I dunno how that works - but if it's a matter of waiting, it's not like we have anything else to do for the rest of the night but head back to the hotel and get some rest before day 2 of the journey.

Friday, August 22 - The journey continues. From Chicago, it's under 4 hours to Iowa City, and another 2 hours to Des Moines. Then another 2 hours to Omaha, Nebraska, and another hour to Lincoln. That's 9 hours from Chicago to Lincoln, Nebraska. I'm thinking that's pretty good progress for one day. As far as getting out into the midwest, I don't know what the hotel/motel situation is going to be like, but I'm counting on there being at least options near the bigger towns we'll be passing through. So I suggest looking for someplace to stay the night in Lincoln, if all goes as planned. (Wow, I just Googled "Lincoln, Nebraska", and the first thing I noticed in the link description for the wiki page is that it's the hometown of Zager and Evans, who you might know as the artists behind the song In The Year 2525...).

Saturday, August 23 - The journey continues. From Lincoln, it's 4 hours to the point where I-80 splits with I-76, just outside the convex corner of Colorado (which doesn't mean a whole lot now, but will become more important on the return voyage), and another 2 hours to Cheyenne, Wyoming. From there, it's another 3.5 hours to Rock Springs. That's almost ten hours there, so I figure that's another good place to stop.

Sunday, August 24 - From Rock Springs, it's about another tenish hours to Reno (through Salt Lake City, across the Great Salt Lake Desert and on the other side of the wasteland of Nevada). You're not allowed to enter Burning Man until Monday (any time on Monday, I believe), but I also hear it's a long drive into the desert from there, and arriving at the festival during the day, with daylight to set up camp, seems like a good idea to me. So finding a place to stay not far from the Reno area (if not in it) would probably be the way to go.

Monday, August 25 - The festival begins! Maybe make some stops in Reno/Sparks for last minute items, or food items that won't last very long - I hear there's a Wal-Mart in the area - and then make that trip to the playa! Then it's madness (more or less) from there on out...

Monday, September 1 - If I'm not mistaken, the Man burns on Saturday night, and the Temple burns the following night (Sunday). So Monday will likely be the day to hit the road. Crowds are probably going to be a problem no matter what we do, so I guess it's just something we'll have to push through. It would probably be a good idea to get moving early in the day, though. Could take hours to get out of the middle of the desert. The plan is to stay at the Little A'Le'Inn the first night after the festival, which is a good 6 hour drive from Reno - factoring in the festival exodus, it'll likely take all day to get there, if we get there.

Unfortunately, the return voyage is turning out to be somewhat more complicated, so I'm gonna need some more time to think about it.

Morbid Satisfaction (or Jesus, Fuck You)

Despite being a pathetic loner who can't handle interacting with other people, I spend a lot of time wishing I wasn't so lonely and thinking of ways I could have a more satisfying social life - and how to get more girls into my life, by god. The first time I ever got a girlfriend was through a chat room, and the overall experience was one that I decided I never wanted to repeat. So it doesn't make me feel very good about myself that I've actually entertained thoughts of lifting my personal ban on web chat just to find some companionship - romantic or otherwise.

I've never seriously considered the use of dating sites, because I'm too shy to advertise myself for a date, and the very idea of communicating with people, regardless of the fact that what I ultimately want is to have people I can communicate with, terrifies me. And besides, I feel like there are other problems in my life that need to be cleared up before I can be passed off as a "reasonable option". But do I have to be well-adjusted just to get a date? Don't psychos deserve some loving too? I feel like making a deep and intimate connection with a person would go a long way toward lifting me out of my pathetic state of affairs, but since when has the dating pool been hospitable to "fixer-uppers"?

I feel like I wanna find other people that are as radical as I am. But that's a tough job. I mean, where do you go to find other people that are afraid of people? How can I expect to meet a person who prefers a nocturnal lifestyle who isn't also into all sorts of unsavory activities that I have no interest in? People misunderstand me a lot, particularly from the stoner angle, and that means my type is very rare - people aren't used to seeing it. So how can I possibly hope to find another person like me?

I like the idea behind eHarmony - even if it's a scam in actuality (try typing in eHarmoney.com if you don't believe me) - the idea of finding a soulmate based on non-superficial compatibility components, from a pool of people much larger than you could meet in your localized part of the world. It sounds like magic - and that's what the commercials pass it off as. But I often joke with myself (a dry sort of humor) that there's nobody in this world that would be fully compatible with me on an intimate, romantic level.

And I've considered proving that point. But thus far, it hasn't been worth the effort/anxiety of actually getting involved. But I was reading up on eHarmony, and I found out that some people are completely turned down after filling out the questionnaire, because they have certain kinds of personality profiles that make it impossible for the system to match them up with other people. As soon as I heard this, I knew that I would end up being one of those difficult-to-match people. And so I went through the grueling and time-consuming questionnaire, answering the questions as honestly as possible, and sure enough, at the end, I got the rejection screen!

So I'm filled with a sense of morbid satisfaction - a kind of validation, that it's really as difficult for me as I make it out to be. But at the same time, it's obviously depressing. I just can't see any way of me not living out my life as a loner. I'd have a chance if I became weller-adjusted, but when I think of the time and effort in "rehabilitation" required to make me "normal", in addition to pessimistic considerations of the success rate of such an endeavor, there's just no chance for me. I'm a lost cause. The game was over the moment I was born.

So the question I ask myself is this: if you can't see any possible way of getting the things you want in life, and you don't even particularly feel like you deserve them in the first place, what's the point in living? I'm still much too attached to life - however disappointing it is - to even consider any other alternative, but I have to say that my appreciation for those people who choose to end theirs only increases as the years go by. And my tolerance for Jesus freaks and uber-happy people who say that everything is fine and that God will set everything straight if you just let him into your life decreases even faster. You know those signs and graffiti you see a lot, that say "Jesus loves you"? Well, I saw a picture of a graffiti'd sign recently that was modified to say "Jesus, fuck you". I think I like that one a little better.

Flickr Filter Fiasco

So I was checking my stats on Flickr - something I've been doing much less frequently lately (the novelty tends to wear off after awhile, I guess), and I noticed that some of my pictures were getting a views spike (lots more views than the average) in the most recent day recorded in the stats. I thought it was curious, but I didn't see any explanation behind it so I just took it at face value.

But then I looked at the list of referring sites for the past 24 hour period. Call it narcissism or whatever you like, but I like to know when other sites are linking to my photos - it's a popularity thing, I guess. It's also always interesting to see what kind of things people are typing in search engines (usually Yahoo or Google image search - surprisingly Yahoo moreso than Google) that ultimately lead to my photos. Sure, most of the search queries are boring or predictable (teen nudes, guitar nude, nude student, nudist, naturist, etc. being the most common), but sometimes you get something unusual, sometimes that makes you scratch your head. Here are some of the more interesting examples (my own reactions are in curly brackets):

naked pumpkin run {what?}
nude 17yo {I have no pictures of myself younger than 18...}
natasha henstridge {lol}
angelina jolie {I'm certain that name has not come up ever in my entire photosteam...}
nude gun {my squirt gun, I suppose}
rabbit pelt use {heh}
slut wife {sorry to disappoint...}
san diego beaches {I wish}
bed bath and beyond {...}
naked girl standing straight {er...ahem}
naturist hard {I have a feeling somebody has the wrong idea about naturism...}
imaginary animal {?}
nudist nude {okay, this person has the right idea, but, duh...}
bikini flickr {I confess, I like to wear women's clothing at times, but I don't think you'll ever see me in a bikini...}
nice {yeah, I'm serious}
narcissus {guilty as charged}
bra {see the note for bikini}
naked 10 {and} 10 naturist {I'm hoping this person is looking for a "perfect ten" and not a ten year old...}
age 10 naked {oh well...}
nude 80 {ok, I think I'm starting to get sick...}

Anyway, even the odd and perverse ones usually don't bother me, but I didn't like the idea of my photos having anything to do with an image search for "gay nude" pictures, from which I noticed my photos were referred four times, all in the past 24 hour period. Now, if you're into gay nude pictures, then that's great for you. If you're gay, and you like looking at my pictures, I don't have a problem with that, either. But I don't want you getting the idea that I'm gay, too. Because I'm not. And I'd really rather you keep your "advances" to yourself, because they'll only be wasted on me, unless you're an interesting and hopefully attractive girl, which, considering that I'm a guy, is mutually exclusive with being gay.

I really wish you could find out which pictures were linked by a certain search query - if you can, I don't know how. Because to find out which pictures were linked, I had to go through each picture that was viewed in the past 24 hours and see which ones were listed as being linked to that particular search query. Instead of being one picture linked four times, it was four different pictures. There was nothing in the pictures, as I suspected, that would provide any kind of a specific connotation of "gayness", other than the fact that they each depicted a nude male - and stereotyping a naked guy as a naked gay is something that really bothers me. So I don't know how those images were linked to the search, but I suppose it's something that's probably out of my control.

But the other thing that I noticed, was that these were all supposed to be restricted photos - and thus could not be linked or viewed outside of Flickr. There was obviously something fishy going on. I rechecked the safety filter on these photos, and to my shock, they were marked as safe! I /knew/ that it was not a simple matter of having forgotten to filter those images. I checked some of my other restricted photos, and found out that quite a few of them had also been re-marked as safe. This would explain the view spikes I was seeing.

Well, I was pissed off. The last thing I wanted was to get into trouble for not filtering content appropriately (which is something I do diligently, dammit), so I changed my entire photostream to restricted, since it would take too long to fix the filters one photo at a time, with the risk of somebody stumbling across a photo that shouldn't be safe and getting offended and taking action against me. But now, the idea of going through all my photos and re-filtering them one by one is not looking pretty, especially with the knowledge that at any time, they can again be mixed up without warning.

Also, I'm hoping that it really was just a glitch, and not somebody hacking into my profile wreaking havoc. I feel like if I hold off on re-filtering all those photos, then if it ends up happening again in the near future, I won't have wasted that effort.

Argh.