Cosplay Pictures (Part 1)

Now that my con photos are uploaded and ready to view (with the exception of the pictures I took of my own cosplay, that I am still processing), I provide here a link for those of you who read my con diary and are curious to see the pictures I spoke so highly of therein:

zharth's Tekkoshocon IX pictures

I will let you know when the other pictures (that I took of myself) are ready. In the meantime, there are bound to be some pictures that other people took of me already floating around in cyberspace. So far that I have seen, this one is my favorite, despite my being relegated to the background. There is also this picture of me posing with another Chii in the same outfit! If you come across any other pictures of me (that I didn't take), feel free to give me a shout, I'd love to see them! For reference, this is the outfit I wore on Friday, and here's a picture of me in what I wore on Saturday:

Continue to Part 2

Con Diary (Part 2)

four in the morning
at the end of Saturday, April 2 (2011)

Arrived home late. Much too tired to recount the day's events now. But that indicates that it was a fun, busy day. For now, I rest, and restore my energy, while the lingering image of hot girls prancing about in skimpy outfits dances through my head.

2pm - Sunday, April 3 (2011)

Saturday at the con started off with a few snags, though judging by what I wrote last night, you can probably guess that things worked out just fine in the end. The first snag {editor's note: actually, the first snag was one I neglected to mention in the following account, involving a chemical accident during preparation for a weekend of crossplay (let's just say I was promised a cooling sensation, and experienced a burning sensation instead) - but, since not a single person mentioned it, I can assume it wasn't a significant problem after all} was missing all but the last five minutes of the only other panel I had a strong interest in attending that I hadn't missed on Thursday evening - the EGL panel (separate from the fashion show on Friday) - on account of not getting to the con early enough. I'm not blaming anyone (including myself), it's just unfortunate that it worked out that way. With my newfound motivation to jump the hurdles of cost and complexity in dressing Lolita (for next year's con), I wanted to learn all the panel could teach me - but it's not like I can't get that information elsewhere. So, only a minor snag, really, particularly compared to the next one.

I don't know if it was the stress on my body of having to get up out of bed early (something I dearly despise having to do), the quality of the breakfast I ate (which was a little light and rushed), or actually my anxiety at finally coming to the point where I'd be wearing The Pink Dress in public; but I wasn't feeling very well when it came time to change (I opted to change at the con, because the outfit is very elaborate, and not well-suited to the unfortunately cold weather), and for a time felt that I did not have the strength to go through with it. This was exacerbated by the fact that the hotel refused to allow us usage of the unisex bathroom we had counted on (and which the DLLCC never barred us from using, ahem). My costume, as I said, was elaborate, and I needed the aid of my 'wardrobe assistant' to get it right. I couldn't very well change out in the hall (though I would have if it were socially acceptable), and I felt uneasy about getting partially dressed on my own, and then coming out into the crowd - before the outfit was complete - to make the final (extensive) adjustments in the hall. Though, that is ultimately what I ended up doing. It took a long time and a lot of work to get the costume together, but eventually we got it.

I was, understandably, very concerned about how my cosplay would be received, among the general congoers. Firstly, whether I looked good - and enough like Chii, the character I was cosplaying - and secondly, if people could tell that I was crossplaying, and what sort of reaction they would have if they did. On the first count, I had a lot of people complimenting me both on my dress, and my cosplay. I had more than one person tell me I was the best Chii they had seen - with different qualifiers, like "at this con". And even a few of the girls I later took pictures of complimented my dress. As for the second count, I think I fooled a lot more people than I was expecting to. And of the many who at first thought I was a girl, then upon closer inspection realized otherwise, their reaction was either very positive, or (at worst) neutral - which is not bad at all. There were, of course, some among those who took my picture that I didn't get any sense of whether or not they knew I was crossplaying, but still others who I was convinced knew (for one reason or another), and yet enthusiastically showed their support.

My best experience was with a woman on con staff. I had a short exchange with her when I went to sit down in a corner out of the way to get some rest. Judging from what followed, she must have thought I was a girl at that point. Shortly thereafter, my friends had found me and we were all sitting together talking, and the staffer was sitting just a few feet away. She must have heard me talking, because she got my attention and asked me to say something to her. The request confused me, until I realized what she was after. My voice must have given me away. Having confirmed, I presume, that I was really a guy, she then asked to shake my hand as a sign of respect. That pretty much made my day.

As I wrote previously, this year's con was all about the cosplay, and taking pictures. Anime congoers (and people who have been with me to anime cons in the past) may remark that I didn't do a lot of 'anime stuff'. I visited the Dealer's Room only once on Friday, and bought only a single t-shirt, on account of my budget being [over]spent on preparing my cosplay(s) {editor's note: which is to say, not for lack of interest in the Dealer's Room}. I didn't watch any anime, or even see any AMVs like I usually want to do - though I heard the viewing rooms were small and crowded - much like, I imagine, it was when the con was temporarily held in a hotel in Greentree before making the initial move to the DLLCC (which I'd like to see it return to). But, on the other hand, in lieu of 'anime stuff', I did the sort of thing I'd always yearned to do at a con in the past - that is, dress up in a decent costume, and take lots of pictures of all the hot and pretty girls dressed up in their costumes. And that also reflects my more recent and developing interests in fashion, modeling, and photography.

Regarding the photography, to continue where I left off on Firday, my momentum from that day had worn off come Saturday - especially after my trepidation at putting on The Pink Dress, in which I felt more self-conscious (perhaps ironically) than I had in my 'tentacle rape' cosplay, on account of it being a more recognizable cosplay {editor's note: thus tending to attract more attention and potential criticism}, and the minor fact that my 'panties' (actually a speedo to stay within the rules) were hanging all out under my super short skirt. Even in the end, I may not have been quite as proactive as on Friday, but in spite of my own prediction earlier in the day, I did eventually pick a lot of my momentum back up, even to the point of making one (if not more) awkward exchange, that I still feel embarrassed about (editor's note to himself: if a person is rushing off somewhere, leave them be; it will be harder to get their attention - and anyway, it's probably not in their immediate interest to stop and have their picture taken). And there was one cosplayer I had wanted (really badly) to get a picture of, but missed - twice! First, because my legs were too lazy to rush after her (and I wasn't quite 'warmed up' yet at that time), and second, because she slipped into the elevator before I had a chance to compose myself.

So, later in the evening, as the always highly-anticipated rave was drawing near, you saw a lot of the cosplay being replaced by [even] skimpy[er] 'rave wear', featuring lots of super short skirts, tight-fitting garments, rainbow colors, and shiny materials - stuff that reminds me a lot of what I saw much of at Burning Man, albeit with a lower absurdity quotient. I felt even more awkward asking girls in rave wear for their pictures because, with cosplay, you have the craftsmanship of the costume, the joy of fandom, and the expectation that wearing cosplay will attract photograph requests. With rave wear, although this is not to say that there isn't an interest in photographing such fashions - many of which are clearly designed not only to be practical for jumping around and sweating in, but also for catching the eye, particularly in dark rooms with lots of colorful flashing lights - but I can't help feeling that it's less "I love your outfit, can I take a picture?" and more "you're hot, can I take your picture?" Which, I suppose, is just my guilty conscience whispering into my ear. {editor's note: also, that's my excuse for missing the girl in the silver HOT pants}.

After the rave started, I decided to 'dress down' as well - or as much as was possible. So I switched to the 'skimpy' version of my dress, by taking off my sleeves and my dress train (which was basically the only thing covering my ass - heaven knows the skirt wasn't), and wearing my (already barely-there) sandals as little as I could get away with. I suppose the whole day of wearing that dress, and the late night atmosphere of the rave (and rave-goers wandering about) gave me confidence I hadn't had at the start of the day. Because then I went to do some modeling, for my own self-portraits - first, in a quiet corner, and then in a less quiet hallway. I got some good pictures, and it was a great experience in modeling in front of strangers/random people/a crowd. Not to say that it was a turning point, necessarily, but it was a good experience. And the pictures I got out of it reinforces that fact. (I only wish I wasn't having computer problems, because I'm anxious to share my pictures, and look at others').

Unless I'm forgetting something important, I suppose the last note I have to make is about the rave itself. I went into the rave, and I liked being there. Rest assured, I still haven't transformed into the outgoing type who likes to jump and bounce around in the flashing lights, but I do enjoy the atmosphere. On one level, it looks really cool, with all the lights, and the outfits, and mist and whatnot; and on another, people are having fun, it's a real party atmosphere (and I'll say, a whole lot better than jocks and frat boys drunk out of their minds), and it feels like the kind of place I've always felt left out of (even in spite of the fact that I don't really belong there). If you remember the concept of the 'Saturday Night Heist', which Janis Joplin articulated, and that I've written about before - it's like this: I'm not convinced that the heist is total. Though it's largely a wild goose chase, I believe that there are a few geese out there, and regardless, I'm engineered to chase them one way or another. With all the excitement of the rave on Saturday night, I can't help feeling like I'm missing out - on something - if I'm not there. Even if, ultimately, there's not much [for me] to do there.

But here's the core of the situation. It's the hot girls I'm drawn to (simple biology, right?), and when I see them all hanging out at the rave, having a good time, I want to be there, too. I want to be part of that good time. The pain comes from the fact that I know I'm not an outgoing person, and I don't take pleasure in the same kinds of things (jumping about and socializing and making lots of noise) they do, and that even were I accepted an invitation to this 'inside world' (which has happened on occasion), I would be awkward and not know how to conduct myself (which has been borne out on those occasions), thus confirming that my lack of participation (and, by extension, a lack of invitation) is appropriate after all. Yet I continue to chase, because the desire that drives me is stronger than all matters of reason and compromise and convenience...

Afterward: Even though my attention's been drawn partly away from anime lately, and towards other, more recent interests (how little time there is in a day), my enjoyment of the convention has yet to fade (which I say with a smirk directed toward those I know who I have gone to conventions with in the past, but whose interest has since waned). Though I haven't watched as much anime in the last year as I have in years prior, there is still so much about the general culture of the fandom that I like (not everything, of course, but certainly enough to keep me invested). I think it's amazing that I can be drawn to different aspects over the years. Years ago, I liked the conventions for the free anime and the tempting merchandise. I still liked the cosplay and the crowds then, but I'm more focused on that now. Its time has come, and that interest has matured in me. I still like the free anime and the [all too] tempting merchandise, but they may have abdicated priority at this time.

Now, where this is all headed is that I already can't wait for next year's con (granted, I enthusiastically accept a period of rest before it happens again, to regain my energy, make new plans, and hopefully (finally) settle the matter of my dwindling finances). The only plans I have as of right now (yes, already) are regarding "cosplay". And I put that in quotes because the one thing I'm dedicated to is dressing Lolita (which I had wanted to do this year, but it didn't work out) - and Lolitas traditionally object to their fashion (which some of them wear everyday) being referred to as "cosplay". The other idea I have is to do another Chii cosplay (after all, I've got the hair - and the legs - for it) in another outfit - this time, her long shirt/panties pajama outfit. The Lolita outfit is going to be elaborate, so it would be a good idea to make the other one something relatively simple, for the sake of mercy. But, I've got a whole year to think about it, and I may yet change my mind {editor's note: or get caught up in more cosplay fever}. One thing is for sure: I thought I might fall into the habit of doing one or two good cosplays, then becoming lazy (or poor), and riding those out indefinitely, wearing them over and over again, but my passion has been kindled, and I am eager to try new outfits!

{editor's note: Thanks for reading; the con really was a blast. I am still incredibly excited about all the pictures I took, and I can't wait to get them up and share them. And I am driven to do so before the excitement fades. Unfortunately, my frustrating computer problems are slowing me down, but stay tuned.}

Con Diary (Part 1)

an hour past midnight
at the end of Friday, April 1 (2011)

If I'm counting right {editor's note: I am}, this is my fourth annual visit to Tekkoshocon, ever since I found out the con existed - but that story's been told before. Since this is my hometown con, I've never prepared for it quite like one might prepare for a Big Event - such as driving to Baltimore for Otakon, one of the country's biggest anime conventions. I don't need to book a hotel room or plan a trip because the con itself is just a short drive into the city. But this year was a little bit different. I have three house guests from out of town (relatively new - but very good - friends of mine), and, on account of having someone with enough of an interest in seeing me dress in 'unusual' outfits to aid me and motivate me, I've put more work (and money) into planning my cosplay this year than I have ever before. You can find out how that turned out below (so far so good, despite the odds, but there's at least one unexpected snare for tomorrow's feature cosplay).

The week preceding the con I was unfortunately hit with a massive computer failure (which I have yet to engineer a solution for {editor's note: my computer is not quite fixed, but it's at least working well enough for me to cope, though that can change at any time}), slowing down my intelligence-gathering and communication capabilities. Not to mention putting me behind on some of the non-con-related tasks I had wanted to put behind me before the con arrived. As it turns out, I only managed to briefly glance at the schedule (which comes out last minute, as usual) before getting to the con on Friday. I noticed, unexpectedly, that there were actually some quality panels planned for Thursday evening. 'Thursday evening' is a relatively new phenomenon on the anime convention scene - or at least, new for this particular con. I had thought it would be much like 'Sunday morning' - light, dull programming hardly worth making the trek for - but I was wrong. Trouble is, I found out too late to adjust my plans {editor's note: I'm not a drop-everything-and-go kinda person}. And so I missed the Silent Hill panel (again; much like a few years ago), a moe panel, and a yuri fandom panel {editor's note: it seems that hentai programming at a convention is becoming something of a white whale for me}. In the future, I will have to remember not to rule out the Thursday evening programming until after I've checked the schedule.

So the only programming left that interests me, is AMVs (which is always hit-and-miss - and the contest never seems to be scheduled conveniently for me), and the two EGL (Elegant Gothic Lolita) offerings. One of which is a fashion show, and was today. It was good, but the best part, for me, was something that didn't happen. Well, sort of. At the end of the fashion show, one of the two co-hosts (elegantly dressed, of course) called up anyone in the audience who was dressed Lolita. Those audience members were then led up to the stage, and given a chance to introduce themselves. What this means to me is that, if I dress Lolita (in the future), I could get a chance to take the stage! And what's more, during the question-and-answer session, the [very pretty] co-host responded to a question about "Lolita for guys", saying that she admires the courage of a guy who is brave enough to dress Lolita - not the Kodona style which is the boy counterpart to Lolita, but the actual sweet, girly Lolita style. Challenge accepted! (Deadline: next year's con; budget: to be acquired).

But this being the only programming that really interests me this year (that I didn't miss) emphasizes the fact that this year's con, for me, is all about the cosplay, which I've been planning for. [Even the one thing I bought in the Dealer's Room (very painfully limiting my budget on account of how much I've already spent on cosplay) was a piece of clothing - an irresistible Elfen Lied t-shirt. Though it hurts not to bring home another figure for my collection]. And today was my secondary cosplay {editor's note: the one I kept secret in my last cosplay preparation post - are you dying to know what it is?} - Japanese schoolgirl being molested by lustful, demonic tentacles. I got a schoolgirl uniform (which, I must say, looks really cute on me); I put my hair in braided pigtails (twintails?); and my lovely wardrobe assistant designed some truly awesome homemade tentacles to wrap around my arms and legs. The result, though maybe a bit unwieldy, is nothing less than amazing. Of course, the sheer novelty of the costume (surprising, if you ask me) itself lends it much flair. I wasn't super popular among the con-goers (unlike my traveling companion Hidan with his impressive triple-bladed scythe (the worksmanship of which is courtesy of the same lovely assistant mentioned above)), but I got more attention than ever before, when not in a [good] costume.

Actually, the attention I got seemed to suggest that people were indeed picking up on the 'tentacle rape' implication of my costume, but that few were eager to openly admit it, or brave enough to confirm their suspicions out loud. However, there were several who did exactly that, and those who did were very supportive. I got more recognition wandering the Artist's Alley than anywhere else (and from people behind the booths, I might add), which I guess I can attribute to their being creators, craftsmen, and more in tune with the perverted side of 'fan works'. But there was one girl who, after taking a picture with me, asked about the 'worms' wrapped around my limbs. When the realization dawned on her of just what they represented, she seemed less than totally thrilled. I only hope she didn't then regret having that picture taken! But even tentacles aside, I got a couple people who responded to the schoolgirl uniform itself. One girl I ran across said I looked "amazing", and another wanted me to pose with a sign reading "it's a trap!" (I happily obliged). Now, I'll be the first to admit that it's no contest if you put me up against a real schoolgirl, but it's all in good fun.

The final note for today's events is, perhaps, the most important, and it concerns my photographing other cosplayers, as I've been too shy to do in previous years (being intimidated by pretty girls and all). I wasn't sure I'd even take the time to pull out my camera, aside from the pictures I had to take of my own cosplay. But I started shooting during the EGL fashion show (them being on stage makes it easy), though my view wasn't spectacular {editor's note: the resulting pictures are unfortunately not much to look at, with all the foreground silhouettes}. But there was a girl in the audience with a gorgeous dress that caught my eye immediately, and after the show, I managed to work up the courage to ask for a pose (such a trifling matter). It was great, but it didn't exactly open the floodgates. Ask one, and you're relieved that it's over with. Face another, and you're right back where you started, with all your fears and intimidation.

But my good friend (and ever loyal supporter), upon hearing of the one, instantly assigned me five more. :-x I didn't think I could do it, though I desperately wanted to be able to - enough that I was willing to at least try, especially considering how easy and cooperative the first was - and I managed to pull through. It still wasn't any easier though, and when I was assigned yet five more(!), I was ready to throw in the towel. But I did keep at it, and I got to a point where I could even ask the hot girls for a picture (which are more intimidating, and I feel more guilty about wanting a picture of, compared to those wearing a pretty dress I could compliment), and it actually did get easier, though at no point did it become effortless. But when you've only asked a few girls for a picture, it's not much of a precedent, and it's easy to doubt yourself. But after about 26 (my final count for the day) it's practically rote, and not once did a girl refuse my request, or reject my compliment (and I always paid them a compliment - and sincerely, too, else I wouldn't be so eager to get their picture).

{Editor's note: Upon further experience, and further consideration, the trick to doing it is that it has to be instinctual. The second you begin to think about it, doubts appear. And then, either the opportunity passes (the girl walks away), or you've lost the confidence to go through with it (and further reflection only gets in the way of actually doing it - which is a hurdle that still must be crossed, even if you can manage to talk yourself into doing it). The problem is that in doing it without thinking (which is the only way to do it), you do open yourself up to making mistakes, which is precisely what I fear and hope to avoid. But it's unavoidable, and you just have to shoulder through it.}

So, I'm not, like, gonna say anything is different now than it was yesterday, but I won't say it's not different, either. And the important thing is, I have some great pictures of exactly the kind of cosplayers I've always wanted to take pictures of - not just the ones who I thought looked nice, but also many of those who I felt I had to get their picture the instant I saw them - the type that most intimidated me and I avoided at first. And let's just leave it at that - it's good to end on a positive note. And now I must get some rest for tomorrow - another big day!

P.S. Ok, forget what I said about ending on a positive note (not that this is necessarily bad). One realization I made, while taking pictures, is that, as great as getting that picture is (and it truly is: it's a mark of proof of the exchange that I know happened), the picture never does justice to the person being photographed. And I'm not talking about poor images {editor's note: though now that I'm looking at them and processing them, I'm finding they're still not as good as I want them to be - is it possible to take really sharp, handheld pictures in natural light (without a flash)?} - I'm at least an intermediate photographer, and my equipment is better than the average photosnapper {editor's note: I had also wanted to mention my dilemma about the two lenses I have - the one being fast enough for sharper, better looking pictures, but at the cost of having a narrow field of vision, making it more or less unusable in cramped quarters such as the middle of a crowd} - I mean it doesn't quite capture the beauty and charisma of a person moving and talking in front of you {editor's note: though maybe that's also part of learning to be a really good photographer}. Which is the real joy of people watching (my favorite con activity).

The exchange I have with these girls is short (granted, I don't want to become an imposition on them) and functional - meaning that it's something I do for the sake of getting the picture, almost as if it doesn't matter beyond that. And then, once I have the picture, it's gone, over, done. So what I'm getting at is that, maybe, it would be fruitful to put more emphasis and humanity in the exchange, relegating the picture to a secondary position. Maybe that's the next step beyond approaching girls, to actually interacting with them on a deeper, more meaningful level. Well, I'm just thinking out loud. {Editor's note: also, this may not be the best venue for that, since you want the picture-taking process to be quick and seamless so as not to bother the people whose pictures you're taking; but, it might be something good to work on in a general sense}.

Continue to Part 2

More Teasing

Hard to believe the con is only two more weekends away (not this weekend, not next weekend, but the weekend after that). I can't believe how much I've been planning for it. Of course, it doesn't compare to the planning I did for Burning Man, but compared to the planning I usually do for this con (which generally consists of getting real excited about it a week before), I've been doing a lot. And aside from making plans for who I'll be going with, it's all been planning spent on cosplay matters. Which is great, because I've always wanted to do more cosplay than I've done in the past. The only thing is, it's been really expensive. :-(

But hopefully it will all be worth it. The photos I will hopefully get, as well as the attention I'm kind of afraid to get, will be the determining factor. I've got two different costumes planned, both of which I am excited about. The primary one is the one I've been talking about, and that you should be familiar with. I've blogged about it here, here, and here - with a couple of teaser pictures at that last link. In fact, the real point of this post is to show you a couple more teaser pictures:

You can't complain about the picture (and lighting) quality, because they're only teasers; and anyway, in the off chance that I end up looking horrible crossplaying as Chii from Chobits in her pretty pink dress, at least I'll be able to look back and say, "well, hey, it didn't look so bad in poor lighting..."

This is not the full dress, of course - I'm not wearing the train, or the sleeves, among other things. But you can see that I do have the persocom ears, and I've also got the spools on, which are a bit tricky to manage. But I think the ears look great, and they're well constructed (courtesy of Spoiled Cherry). I also managed to find some 'barely there' sandals that don't spoil the barefoot look. They're not a perfect match for the dress, but what matters is what you don't see of them, after all.

As for my second costume, if you're not in the loop, and don't already know what it's gonna be, I think I'll just leave you in suspense for now. :-p The only thing I'll say is that it's not Lolita, unfortunately (although it kind of is, in a way ;-), like I had wanted to try. Lolita has the potential to be even more complicated, and even more expensive. (Of course, experienced Lolitas will tell you it doesn't have to be - either complicated or expensive - but it does take experience to know how to make that work, without having to rely on luck).

See you at the con!

Love At First Sight

I'm questioning the wisdom of writing this post, as I don't know that I'll be able to get my feelings across, but moreso because I should really be getting to bed now, and I know how absorbed I can get in the writing process once I've started. But there are two options here, really. I can either embrace the subject, and try to jot my thoughts down while they're fresh, or I can force them out of my mind - because if I do anything less, they will torment me and prevent me from getting to sleep even if I tried. So all I can do is try my best to exorcise them as quickly and efficiently as possible, so I can set my mind at ease, knowing that I've at least put in a good try at communicating the ideas that are currently flashing through my head.

Opinions differ greatly on the concept of "love at first sight" - whether it exists, and what its nature is. I can say with certainty that there is such a thing as "love at first sight", because I experience it on a regular basis. And though others may experience it differently, this is how it affects me. There is "love at first sight", though it's not exactly the same thing as "love after 40 years of dedicated marriage", or whatever conditions are necessary to prove a deep and lasting interpersonal commitment. But then, romantic love is not the same thing as familial love, and there are many different kinds of "love". "Love at first sight" may be a superficial kind of love - after all, its nature depends on the quality of sight with a presumed lack of deeper understanding - but whether or not anything deeper flows from it, it alone is worthy of consideration.

I saw a girl today at "the market" and she completely turned my world upside down. If I am bitter that I have too little contact with girls, I am at least thankful that there is no shortage of pretty girls in the world. No matter how ugly life and politics get, I still see them out there. And as they inevitably grow out of their physical prime (in an aesthetic sense), there is no shortage of new product to reline the shelves, if I may utilize a grossly impersonal metaphor. I saw this girl but for a fraction of a moment - maybe two, three seconds at most - as I was walking into the store, and she was walking out. Blonde hair, pale skin, lithe frame, perfect age, and cuter than all hell.

I fought really hard not to stare, and I only barely managed to tear my eyes from her for one second out of the three or four seconds she was in my line of vision. Yet, during that time, her eyes met mine, and it was clear to both of us that we had noticed one another. I'd like to flatter myself with the belief that she had taken notice of me and thought me attractive, but the fact that her eyes (so subtly) lingered on me could very well have been the direct result of my interest in her - she saw me looking at her with what must have been more of an admiring than an inquisitive, or, more to be expected, disinterested glance.

I could have stared at her all day were I given such a divine opportunity. I would have lunged forward and dropped to my knees before her to beseech her for the opportunity to spend some time in her presence, to be even a tiny part of her world. But I couldn't bring myself to even turn my head as she passed behind me, heading out the door (without the slightest slowing of her step). I wished only that my glance had not been too transparent - though I would love to have brightened the girl's day by flattering her with my attention, if such a result is possible, I feared the reaction that she or society, or her mother that she marched alongside, would have if they but knew the power and influence this girl had over my heart - that she had over me, and not vice versa!

As the vision faded behind me, the enchantment lingered as I entered the store. If you wonder at how easily I seem to shake off such dramatic impulses, or question the impact of these visions, considering my natural ability to walk away from them, know only that I am quite accustomed to such occurrences, as they occur so very frequently (and yet never frequently enough to satisfy!), and that their impact is no less as a result. My entire day was brightened by this vision of beauty that passed by my sight, ever so briefly, and yet also I was deeply saddened, for one cannot avoid coming down from such a high, and wishing to have had the chance to fly even higher upon that angel's wing.

You can call it what you want. It is magnetic attraction, surely. But to call it anything less than a form of love is to do a disservice to the depth of emotions that accompany such an experience (on the one side, if, regrettably, the feeling is not mutually shared). Superficial? Inasmuch as it is possible for the outer layer to impact one's very soul, then yes, you could call it superficial. But it is so intense that it hardly means much for me to call it that. I don't pretend that it's anything it's not - I don't pretend there is any mystical fated connection, or believe that the chances of our compatibility are any better than between anyone else, aside from the obvious existence of a physical attraction (again, at least in one direction). But that in itself is something, and for some, it is more important than for others. Not just important, but potent. Powerful. My heaven was moved today.

And I'm not sure that my vulnerability to being shaken so by the slightest flutter of a passing angel is not a curse. But if it is, it is a curse I will gladly bear, for I am addicted to its effect, and I am grateful that such a simple thing can thrill me so thoroughly, even though mixed in with that joy is a strong desire for that which is yet so much rarer, and something that I am not sure is attainable for one such as me. I believe in angels because I see them in this world. But if that desire were to be fulfilled, I would then and only then be able to believe in a God(dess).

And now I must retire to what shall (regrettably) be, most likely, a dreamless sleep.

Prison

I noticed after dark how much snow had fallen - and was continuing to fall. Inches of it, coating the ground. For once, my dad hadn't shoveled the walkway before I got a chance to appreciate the pristine nature of an unmarred snowfall. The porch light was on, illuminating the snow on the ground, and the snowflakes in the air. It was pretty. Very pretty. Seeing it makes me feel excited. It makes me feel desire. Like I want to do something, but I'm not entirely sure what it is. I want to sit there and watch the snowfall, but I know I can't stay long before I have to go back up and hide in my room. And then, the porch light will be turned off and it will be night and there won't be much to see in the darkness.

The snow is transient. I know it will melt away soon enough - and even before that, it will harden, and it will be trampled on and shoveled aside, and its beauty will be impaired. Sure, it snows every winter, and more than once, but there are only a handful of limited time periods each year when the snow can be fully appreciated - as it is falling, and while it is covering the land. It's not enough for me. I understand that it's fleeting, but it's /too/ fleeting. I want to capture it and keep it with me so I can enjoy it anytime I like. Like trapping light in a magic vial to use when the shadows overtake you, I want to trap the snowfall in a bottle, to be enjoyed at my leisure. But I know this is impossible. I feel antsy and anxious - I want to go out in the snow, I want to immerse myself in it, I want to stay by the window and do nothing else all day, yet I cannot. I want to make the most of it, because I know it will be gone so quickly, and I'll have felt it a wasted opportunity.

I can think of nothing else. I can do nothing else. My attention is forever drawn towards the window, towards the outside world. I have to be there. But I can't. But I have to. I feel the same way during any form of strong weather, particularly thunderstorms. But thunderstorms are often even more transient than snowstorms - though they tend to occur slightly more frequently in this climate. So the pain doesn't last as long.

I can't move, I can't act, yet I can't let go either, until I move, until I act. But I can't and I won't, and so I'm frozen in place. Stuck. Paralyzed. I cannot move forward, and I cannot go backward. To do either would be a release from my pain, but I do not have the power. I am powerless. Impotent. A slave to forces outside my control. I know the key to breaking their hold over me is simply to cast off my chains and march, yet I cannot do it. It is no easier for me than it is for a man locked up in literal chains to break them apart with sheer will power. It is an impossible feat. And I know thinking of it that way makes certain my defeat, but still I cannot change. I can imagine only the many ways things would go wrong, and each one is strong enough to discourage me from advancing. From where ought I to get the strength to plow forward? Where does that resolve come from? I want it bad enough, but that alone is not sufficient. For it is not my only concern, and the other concern is my fear, and it overpowers everything. It is omnipotent, it is stronger than my desire, stronger than my frustration, stronger than my reason. Nothing can overpower my fear, it is absolute. The only way to change this would be to accept scenarios that I cannot abide. How can I do such a thing? I would be a different person. Yet I want to be a different person. Yet I'm afraid to do it. I'm terrified. Frightened, like a scared puppy. I don't know of what, exactly.

I can imagine a world where I am ridiculed, openly and constantly. Just like I am in my head but in actuality. I don't know what the effects of this would be; I imagine it could not be worse than the internal pain I suffer from merely imagining it. In fact, I want to believe that it would be beneficial, that it would cure me of my fear. And yet to walk into it is impossible for me. On the other hand, I realize that my fears are irrational, and I would not be ridiculed to the extent that I imagine. However, one thing I know for certain is that I will continue to imagine it - that will not go away, certainly not at first, at any rate. And as long as I imagine it, I suffer. Since I cannot stop it, the next best thing is to reduce my exposure. I crawl away and hide from people, to give them less opportunity to observe me and judge me, and therefore give my mind less room to imagine criticism. I avoid the world. The solution, you say, is to step out and face the world, and yet doing so would be to immediately increase my suffering to an immeasurable extent. I understand the reasoning, the potential longterm benefits, but can you really expect me to do this? I'd just as soon stab myself in the heart, and that's not about to happen.

So I sit here, frozen, and do the only thing I am capable of doing. Feeding my anxiety.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Go read/watch some porn. You deserve it.