Taking The Colbert Questionert

I may have only been watching The Late Show with Stephen Colbert since last fall (the short-lived suspension of Jimmy Kimmel Live! in September is what turned me on to the late night circuit - ironically, Trump and FCC thug Brendan Carr have only amplified the signals they've been trying to censor, as these things tend to go), but it's become a nightly routine (well, four nights a week, anyway) for at least seven months now.

Along with Jon Stewart and the revolving hosts of The Daily Show, Seth Meyers (host of Late Night), and John Oliver from Last Week Tonight (also: Jimmy Fallon, but I don't watch his show regularly), these comedians have helped me to cope with the unprecedented levels of corruption in our federal government right now (all thanks to the MAGA Republicans in power, who are smashing, grabbing, and dismantling democracy one piece at a time), creating a sense of camaraderie through mutual outrage, and making the news just a little bit easier to swallow, by sprinkling it with a healthy dose of good humor.

It is, therefore, in honor of The Late Show being prematurely retired as of this week, and in dedication to Stephen Colbert - who, as Bruce Springsteen put it, is "the first guy in America who's lost his show because we got a president who can't take a joke" - that I thought it would be fun to answer the patented Colbert Questionert, a running feature that only this week was finally, and with great anticipation, turned around on the host himself (and administered by a revolving cast of celebrity guests). Here are my own answers:

Best sandwich?

In college, at the campus grill, I was introduced to the turkey melt. It's a grilled sandwich, combining chopped turkey with cheddar cheese, and (optionally) diced tomatoes. To this day, it's still one of my favorite things to make at home. Although, lately I've taken to using diced jalapeno in place of tomato, to get that irresistible jalapeno/cheddar flavor.

What was your first concert?

I like to tell people it was seeing The Who in 2002 at Hersheypark Stadium, with Robert Plant opening, but in truth, that was my second concert. The first one was actually X-Fest, earlier that year. It was a bit of an ordeal. I was dragged there by my girlfriend - who convinced me to lie to get out of school early (something that weighed heavily on my conscience). So it wasn't really my scene; but what made it so miserable was the cold and the pouring rain. I remember huddling in the shelter of a public restroom for warmth at one point. The only music I remember was Rob Zombie playing Dragula (or, as I knew it at the time, the "burn the witches" song).

What is the scariest animal?

I can't argue with Stephen Colbert's answer to this question, although I would generalize it somewhat. Unfortunately, I suffer from arachnophobia, so the irrational terror I feel around spiders is magnitudes greater than any reasonable fear I might experience in the presence of any other animal.

Apples or oranges?

Although I'm not in the habit of putting peanut butter on apples (bananas are a different story), I'd still pick apples over oranges. I'm not especially fond of the citrus fruits.

Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

Yes. I prefer genuine interactions to superficial tokens like a person's signature, but I do have a good story to share on this subject. I'm a huge fan of a retro rock band named Silvertide that came out of Philly in the mid-aughts. I even drove out of state once to be in the crowd during the filming of a concert DVD (which was ultimately scrapped). When my college sent out a campus-wide email scouting ideas for bands to book, I recommended Silvertide. In a small night club on campus, to a crowd of no more than a few dozen people, I got to see them play up close and personal, and then hung out with them after the show. I had the entire band sign a t-shirt, which I still have to this day. It's a shame the band fizzled out so quickly, because they were really good.

What do you think happens when we die?

I'm a scientist and an atheist, so I think the most plausible scenario is that we simply cease to be. There may be a brief transition period, but afterward, there are no more sensations or perceptions. We are no more. All that is left is for our bodies to dissolve and be recycled back into the environment. The closest facsimile would be a dreamless sleep from which we never awake. Which isn't so bad. That said, it's not a rational fear, but if I let my conscious mind dwell too long on the thought of what it must be like to stop existing, I begin to feel a psychological sense of vertigo, like I'm standing on the brink of an infinite void of darkness. So I just try my best to ignore it, and distract myself with the business of living.

Favorite action movie?

My favorite cinematic genre is horror, but I've given this a little bit of thought, and I'm gonna say Aliens. The way that James Cameron came in, and produced a successful follow-up to a paranoid, claustrophobic thriller (not unlike The Thing) - by opening up the scope and ramping up the adrenaline, pitting an elite platoon of space marines against an army of deadly xenomorphs, while introducing (or meaningfully evolving) iconic characters with eminently quotable lines, advancing the biology of the species in a way that felt both natural and spectacular, and still scaring the pants off of audiences - it's one of the best sequels of all time.

Window or aisle?

I would probably lean towards window because I like the view, but Stephen does bring up a good point. I've only flown a few times in my life, and I've never used the bathroom on a plane (not even flying 13 hours to Japan, across the Pacific). But that's one of the things that stresses me out the most about the thought of flying (along with being gender profiled by TSA, having my luggage mishandled, and being crowded into a tight space with lots of people). I think I'd rather have the window seat, and just use the bathroom on the ground and take my chances...

Favorite smell?

I don't pay a lot of attention to smells - generally, no smell is a good smell in my book. But when it comes to fragrances, my first choice is usually coconut. But you can't go wrong with the smell of good food cooking.

Least favorite smell?

There are the usual smells most people don't like, which I don't feel the need to repeat here. I think it would be more revealing to mention a somewhat "normal" smell that I can't stand. And that would either be vinegar, or Ranch dressing. Even sour cream and yogurt just smells like spoilt milk to me.

Earliest memory?

I actually have a really great answer to this question, and it's something I've talked about before. My earliest memory is being cradled in somebody's arms (I assume it was my mother), surrounded by people in yellow raincoats, with the thunderous roar of water crashing down all around me. I remember thinking for a long time that it had just been an especially vivid dream I'd had, until I learned from my parents that we'd visited Niagara Falls when I was a baby.

Cats or dogs?

I feel like "dogs" is the popular answer, but I have to go with cats on this one - even though I'm allergic to cats. Cats are quiet, and keep to themselves. Dogs are obnoxious. They're loud, and they won't leave you alone. They insist on putting their paws all over you, and their kisses always involve tongue. I'm actually happiest being pet-free, but if forced to choose, I would take a cat over a dog.

You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?

I think Stephen was right when he said that this was the cruelest question (even harder than "what happens when we die?"), and so I'm not going to overthink it. It's Cowgirl in the Sand by Neil Young & Crazy Horse - the song I've played on guitar more times than any other. Once, I even listened to it ten times in a row during a period of emotional turmoil! As a guitarist, even if this question extends to playing music, this song is versatile enough that I can play the chords and sing it pretty, or jam out with heavy feedback on the long, instrumental passages. So that has to be my choice.

What number am I thinking of?

I actually knew the answer to this question before Stephen answered it - because somebody else had already figured it out. If the reason he picked "3" is because of the symbolism of the trinity (Colbert is famously Catholic), I think if I had to answer the question I'd guess 666, just to see his reaction. Not in a mean-spirited way, mind you. But I think it would have been funny, and might well have teased out some clues prior to the ultimate revelation we got this week.

Describe the rest of your life in five words.

And this, too, shall pass.

Talking World War III Blues

"Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah."

- The President of the United States, speaking on social media, to the nation he started an unjustified and illegal war with, on Easter Sunday, 2026

I don't know if this gets talked about enough, but there's a certain nihilism that comes with living under a regime that thrives on so much chaos and a distinct lack of accountability. I've never voted for Trump; there was never a time when I thought he was remotely a promising candidate. But a small part of me *wanted* him to get elected the first time, because I thought people would see what a mistake it was and learn their lesson. That they'd find the proof when they bit into the pudding. In hindsight, that was naive. The idiots who voted for him learned nothing, and just doubled down.

I knew better the second time he got elected - I talked to people who were sure this country would never make that mistake twice. I voted against him, but I wasn't even a little bit surprised when he won again. (Even after supporting a failed insurrection against the Capitol, when he lost the people's vote in 2020). I also no longer harbored the hope that the country would see the error of its ways. We were too far gone. But that's changed in the last year, as I've become politically activated, and watched the resistance grow. Especially in the last few months, since the passing of the Epstein Files Transparency Act (and the Department of Justice's subsequent egregious coverup), it feels like the wind has changed direction. The shootings in Minneapolis as recently as January seemed like an inflection point. And then the way this ill-conceived war with Iran is hitting citizens in their pocketbooks at the gas pumps (because that's what it takes to get most Americans to pay attention to politics). Even strands of the MAGA movement are beginning to turn against Trump.

That said, we've come so much further than we should have had to, and have suffered not just a corrupt, but an outright criminal regime, that is not only unburdened by a dedication to law and order, but disdainful of the Constitution our nation was founded on, for so much longer than makes any kind of rational sense, that it's impossible to wrap your mind around how it's been allowed to happen. And you can't help wondering, with every act of insanity perpetrated by this loose cannon of a Commander in Chief, will this be the straw that breaks the camel's back? And by that, I'm not even sure whether I mean breaking the back of the regime's support, or breaking the back of democracy in the United States.

But, to get to my point, there's a part of me buried deep down - a nihilistic impulse, perhaps fueled by Edgar Allan Poe's Imp of the Perverse - that takes a mad glee in the unhinged acts of a despotic President. And again, I'm torn between understanding it as the vindictive hope that all the people responsible (mainly every Republican voter in this country) will finally get what they deserve, and be destroyed by the troll they've maliciously granted unchecked power to, and understanding it as the vain wish that this will be the bridge too far, that wakes the masses up from their dangerous delusion. I WANT Trump to become more and more unhinged. I WANT the world to fall further apart due to his actions. I WANT our country to crash and burn. Because it will vindicate what we've all been saying all this time. And no Republican voter will ever be able to reason with a straight face - unless they are a straight up anarchic lunatic - that they made the right choice for themselves and for the country. (Of course, that falls prey to the fallacy that these people are capable of reason in the first place).

I don't REALLY want these things to happen. I want to wake up tomorrow with a dignified president, and find myself in a prosperous country where I can feel secure, and actually AFFORD to live in. But if the last 10 years or so are any indication (the Biden administration being a blip on the radar, that only proves that safety and security can never be more than a temporary distraction from reality), there's no realistic chance of that happening. Because anything other than total annihiliation will just leave the opposition free to maintain their collective delusion, and continue in their unceasing efforts to burn the world down. So let it burn already. Calling their bluff seems like the ONLY way to deflate their insane arguments. The only problem is that if Trump's dementia actually incites a new World War leading to nuclear apocalypse (an outcome whose possibility MAY be small, but is uncomfortably far from zero), there'll be nobody left to enjoy it. Or if there are, they will be in so much pain and suffering, that it will outweigh the joy in saying, "I told you so."

Update: I wanna get this update posted before 8pm tonight (Tuesday, April 7), in case we're all dead by dawn. Even if it turns out to be the not unlikely case that Trump is bluffing, there should still be repercussions for the President threatening genocide and implicating a nuclear strike. And if he actually goes through with it? Pity there's no God to help us all. In his own words:

"A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again. Tonight [will be] one of the most important moments in the long and complex history of the World."

Bad Faith

This is an argument I've come across recently, and I wanted to address it. In regards to the current administration's immigration policy, "I like immigrants, I just expect them to follow the law" (e.g., to seek and not circumvent legal citizenship), is a bad faith argument. It's an underhanded attempt to legitimize an illegitimate stance (like saying that preventing access to contraceptive health care options has anything to do with being "pro-life", and not anti-freedom), but it is a strategy that conservatives in this country wield frequently and - unfortunately - quite effectively.

The reason this strategy works is because the argument is sound - it's just deliberately misplaced. As I learned while studying philosophy in college, an argument founded on untrue premises can lead logically to a conclusion that is, however, very much untrue. If all ICE were doing was humanely deporting undocumented immigrants, then a focus on proper documentation would be a valid stance. One that you could agree or disagree with (personally, I think the harms are exaggerated, and I support a more empathetic solution in line with our country's historical character), but a valid one nonetheless.

They want you to think that this is all ICE is doing, because it's the only way they can at least pretend their argument has any real footing. But that's not what's really going on. In addition to their purported duties, ICE has been abducting documented immigrants, harassing and assaulting natural born citizens, spreading terror in American communities disproportionately inhabited by Democratic voters (this is not a coincidence), overstepping their authority as border guards (and not domestic law enforcement), recruiting with abysmally low standards and providing inadequate training, eschewing any commitment to transparency (while the administration boldly lies to the contrary) with regards to what goes on inside ICE facilities, how detainees are treated, and what happens to them when they are deported.

All of this is beyond the scope of merely enforcing the law as it is written, and this is what the American people are protesting. For the sake of all that is Good in the world, a white woman was just shot to death in the face by an ICE agent without due cause (the video evidence is all over the internet, so you can judge for yourself), and the administration - up to and including the office of the President of the United States himself - is spreading lies any citizen can debunk with their own eyes, maliciously slandering the innocent woman who was killed, and granting unqualified immunity to her shooter, while obstructing any and all attempts by local or state law enforcement to properly investigate the crime.

This is what enrages us! And conservatives are standing behind all of this egregious behavior, twisting themselves into pretzels to justify this state-sanctioned execution of a law-abiding citizen (in broad daylight!), utilizing bad faith arguments to create the illusion that this is a two-sided issue. And it is an illusion. A thinly-veiled one, at that. And as long as we permit this regime to continue to circumvent the law (and any standard of human decency) without repercussion, these people will continue to be emboldened to sink to new depths of depravity.

I don't know about you, but having armed agents of the federal government in our streets, disappearing people without public trial, and able to murder law-abiding citizens with immunity, doesn't sound like democracy to me. It sounds an awful lot like a fascist state. And I'm terrified, because every step we take is another step closer to becoming a country which has the social infrastructure and legal precedent for everyday bigots to commit deadly hate crimes against minorities, and get away with it! Make no mistake. The real domestic terrorists are the armed thugs occupying our cities. Resisting them by nonviolent means - up to and including trying to escape what could be a deadly encounter with them - cannot be described as anything other than a patriotic act in defense of our fundamental liberties.

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Before I finish, I have to address the mask issue, because it's another crystalline example of conservatives engaging in bad faith (isn't that a perfect description of conservatism on the whole - "bad faith"?), as well as their failure to hold to any kind of consistent principle. People have raised concerns about the way ICE agents - unlike regular law enforcement - are frequently masked, and reluctant to provide identification. I don't know what purpose is served by these agents wearing masks, but one can easily imagine that it increases their intimidation factor, while also shielding them from accountability for their actions as agents of the state - which is a reflection of the overall lack of transparency endemic to this agency (and the regime overall). On what grounds do conservatives defend these agents wearing masks when, during the COVID pandemic, they openly mocked and insulted progressives for doing the same thing?

Now, the issue here isn't whether you are for masks or against masks all the time or in any situation. It's a question of purpose. During the pandemic, the purpose of wearing a mask was to prevent the spread of an infectious disease. Why did conservatives reject masks then, yet support them now? (Other than to brainlessly counter whatever rational argument a progressive might make). Here are the facts: then, progressives wanted to prevent the spread of a potentially fatal illness; now, they want agents of the state to be held accountable for their actions. To disagree with these positions (as conservatives do) is to support the spread of disease, to value the intimidation of conscientious, law-abiding citizens by federalized agents with guns, and to reject accountaibility when those agents break the law, and violate our civil rights.

I know I'm biased - as we all are. But I just don't see how you can look at the facts and not come to the objective conclusion that conservatives are fundamentally evil - antisocial bullies who value chaos and the suffering of innocents. I know they say similar things about progressives - that we're leftist radicals who've taken leave of our senses. But again, there are not two sides to this issue. One of us is arguing in bad faith, and the other is not. One of us is right, and the other is wrong. The distinction is blatantly obvious, and it's not even close. The only way I can explain it is that - contrary to an idealistic view of the inherent good in humanity - in any population there are bound to be a range of people from the good to the bad. And it would seem that bad people are just inherently drawn to conservative politics.

Which side are you on?

A Very Unhappy New Year

Democracy is governance of, by, and for the people. When federal agents mistakenly believe that they work for the president (a man who, himself, believes he is beholden to no one), and not the people, the inevitable result is that they will eventually be used as a weapon against the people. This is the truest perversion of democracy imaginable. I'm posting today for no other reason than I want this to be documented for posterity. Three weeks past the legal deadline, the Epstein files are still being slow-dripped with extensive redactions, in a blatant disregard for justice and accountability. We are barely a week into the New Year, and already Trump has started a war by abducting the president of another country; is threatening the military takeover of a NATO ally, which puts global security at risk, mounting tensions for a third world war; and today I am glued to YouTube watching rioters in Minneapolis because federal agents have begun gunning down US citizens in our streets, while the regime is busy spreading propaganda (read: their usual, egregious lies) to spin the situation in their favor. Ladies and gentlemen, it has arrived. Welcome to the Fascist American Dystopia.

Advanced Brain Rot

I know it's important to stay balanced. On the other hand, the scales in our country are tipped so far right now (with the emphasis on "far right"), it can be hard to recognize what balance truly is. There's certainly an argument to be made for the stance that fascism doesn't deserve a seat at the bargaining table. With that in mind, I keep myself mercifully insulated from much of MAGA culture, getting my daily dose of psychotherapy from a medical cocktail of Stewart, Colbert, and Kimmell. That said, it CAN be useful to understand the opposition ("know thine enemy"), EVEN when they're batshit insane.

Still, it was a nonconsensual encounter when I came face to face with a pro-Trump meme on Facebook recently that so completely missed reality, that I had to sit there and stare at it agape for full moments before coming back to my senses. My respect for the person who posted it (without any apparent explanation) plummeted, though it wasn't that high to begin with, in the modern political landscape. Still, I was curious enough to check the comments - big mistake, I know, but I guess I was hoping to get some kind of context for the meme, to see if there was some angle I was missing, that could help make it make sense. And what I saw was eye-opening, but not in the way I expected. Not in a good way, either, mind you.

At the tail end of a government shutdown (induced by an utter and unprecendented refusal of the Republican majority in Congress to prevent Americans' healthcare costs from skyrocketing), in which scores of federal workers have gone unpaid for well over a month, and at a time when many working families were facing the prospect of not being able to afford to FEED their kids, this meme said "stop Trump - before we all end up with jobs." Honestly, I thought it was supposed to be sarcastic, but it was too simplistic. There was no clever jab. No subtle reference. And the comments confirmed it.

At this point, I expect the MAGA Republic to twist everything that comes out of the political news cycle to their advantage, no matter how many pretzels they have to bend reality into. What I wasn't expecting was just how out of touch so many of those people were. And I don't mean that they don't know what's real or what's fake. I mean, they're not even paying attention to what's going on. They're not twisting facts, only because they're not aware of the facts in the first place. The overwhelming majority of comments on that post included one or more of the following phrases: "end SNAP", "lazy freeloaders", and "get a job". (I mean, it's no stretch to imagine these people cheering Trump on when he recently demanded that air traffic controllers work without pay). Like, this is SO far removed from anything even remotely like what's happening in the country right now.

You can't even argue to these people that Trump and the Republicans are historically piss-poor at giving regular people an opportunity to work for a living wage, because they're heads are so far up their asses they can't even tell if it's day or night! I can't help imagining them all as frail, 80 year olds who can't see or hear, and are so locked in to what their textbooks said when they were in fifth grade in the 1950s, that nothing else is able to penetrate their thick skulls. I know this isn't a kind assessment, but I won't say it's not fair. It speaks for itself.

I don't love the Democratic party unconditionally. They have LOTS of problems, and I'm happy to point them out. Because we NEED to work on them. But what I've seen lately within the anti-Trump protest movement is at least people responding to reality. We don't all have the answers, and we're not all immune to misinformation or letting our emotions rule the day (although our anger is righteous). But at least we're trying! We're not locked into one outdated worldview that resembles nothing in the world today, and unwilling to let anything else shatter that delusion about what's important. I mean, what is it that traumatized so many people so badly, that to this day the ONLY thing they care about (above and beyond what's in front of their eyes) is some mythological free-loading "commie"?

I can't even. Are these people so dumb, and so adled with age? And why are these people disproportionately represented at the polls? I swear, you should have to pass a cognitive test, as well as a civics test (on modern events) to be allowed to vote. I know that sounds bad, but what else can we do? How else can we stop idiocracy? The people running this country have a tenuous grip on reality (at best), and positively no clue what's going on. It's like the train conductor has put a blind-fold on himself. One thing you don't learn as an intelligent person - probably because you never encountered anyone smart enough to know and teach you - is how much you'll be gobsmacked in life by how incredibly dumb the human animal is, time and time again. The breadth and depth of stupidity is consistently appalling.

Addendum:

I've had a little more time to process this, and it occurs to me that these people literally believe that people are on food assistance because they're too lazy to work. Children are going hungry, and these people are celebrating because they think they deserve it! They want SNAP to end, because they think it will motivate people to get a job. They SUPPORT Trump cutting off funds, as if it's good for the country's wellbeing. They are so deluded! They don't understand how SNAP boosts the economy. They don't understand how many people on SNAP already work. They don't understand the extent to which the working class is exploited so the rich can get richer.

And there's no consideration given to the federal workers forced out of a job, or to work without pay, not to mention the key issue which is affordable health care. What's humane about people not being able to afford to get treated when they're sick? They must think people only get sick because they deserve it. Which is ludicrous - don't they have personal experience with these things? Most of them are working class. Nobody goes through life without having health problems, and knowing people with health problems. How can they be so absolutely dumb, when that stupidity is so incredibly dangerous to humanity?

You just get stuck in your bubble of empathy, and you forget that there are actually human beings out there - a lot of them - who do not have empathy, and do not experience any guilt or shame about not having empathy. That's not rhetoric. That's not exaggeration. That's cold, hard reality. These people are dumb, and mean, and they're being tapped like batteries by people with power and authority to hurt the entire country. And I feel like I'm just pissing in the wind here, because complaining about it doesn't change shit, and the injustice just continues on. (While these asshats - including people in my own family - that are hurting people and destroying the country, are laughing gleefully at my frustration).

And what little satisfaction accompanied my realization of these things - putting pieces together and understanding better how the opposition thinks - has been completely replaced now by an utter and abject despair. I'm so sick of this country's politics, and the very real wounds it's causing in people's lives, even cutting off former friends and tearing families apart. The divide is real. Welcome to the fall of the United States.

Losing Friends Over Politics

A lot of people seem to treat morality and ethics as pretty much interchangeable. But I think there's a meaningful difference between the two. I've written about this before. In my conception, morals are essentially the private beliefs (no matter where they originate, or how many people with which they are shared) a person has about what constitutes "righteousness" or virtue. It should be used as a guide for one's actions and choices in life. This is a function of religion in my view - I know there are people who disagree, but God isn't a collective concept. It's a personal relationship that nobody else gets to define but you.

Ethics, on the other hand, are the general rules we agree to follow in order to co-exist peacefully with one another. Take the golden rule, for example. It governs how you treat others, not the decisions you make that determine the direction of your own life. Because these are guidelines we are all expected to follow in order to keep things running smoothly, they need to be collectively agreed upon (to a reasonable degree). There are some who think the state should meddle in matters of religion, but the document our democracy was founded upon disagrees - and so do I.

It doesn't seem right, then, that politics should be off the table of polite discussion, the way that religion is. Religion is personal, and powerful. It doesn't require consensus. But politics is about how we construct the society we all must live together in. If you're afraid to discuss your political beliefs because you think you might lose friends or family over it, then I think maybe you need to reconsider your political beliefs and what they say about you as a person. If you're not working together with the rest of the people at the table, then maybe you don't deserve to share in their company.

No Kings 2.0

It was a beautiful day. You couldn't have asked for nicer weather in the middle of October. I made it to three separate protests in all - which is cool, because I was able to experience a different vibe with each one (I even had the chance to honk at some overpass protesters coming into the city via the parkway!).

The first one was downtown, on the streets in front of the City Council Building. It was just the protest rally vibe I was looking for. For the second one, I walked across town to the North Shore. Held in a city park, it very much had a "summer festival" vibe - with people sitting on the grass, dancers and musicians in addition to speakers, and even food trucks!

Then I zipped over and stood on the side of a busy highway for an hour holding up my signs. We got a lotta honkers, but also a lot of thumbs-down and middle fingers. The fact that anyone could give our fundamental American values the middle finger is deeply distressing. The best case scenario is that they're so brainwashed by propaganda, that they don't realize what they're doing - that's the BEST case scenario. And it's still not a good one.

But to see all the people today who came out to support our democracy was heartening. So many different people with so many different, creative signs. The one thing that stands out more than anything about this movement, is the "intersectionality of outrage". This isn't a single issue protest. It's not even a few issues protest. There are so many different things to be outraged about.

The assault on free speech. Abuse of the military. Vindictive lay-offs. Evasion of criminal justice. The abhorrent behavior displayed toward racial minorities. Attacks on women's rights. Marginalization of LGBT populations. A general disregard for science. The abysmal state of health care. Lack of support for labor unions. And the lies. Oh, so many egregious lies*.

Just about everyone has a legitimate gripe with this authoritarian regime except the billionaires who are profiting from it. And while this protest has been painted as a partisan movement, the actual reality is that we should ALL be united under the banner of #NoKings. The true divide isn't left vs. right, it's top vs. bottom. I wish the rest of us would realize that already, so we can stop fighting amongst ourselves, and topple the oligarchy - for the benefit of we, the people.

*Lying seems like a minor infraction compared to everything else, but I honestly believe it's the worst part. It's not without good reason that it's been said that the death of truth is the ultimate victory of evil. Two people could fight about whether a third person deserves human rights - I mean, I think that argument has a clear winner, but apparently there are people in this world who disagree - but if those two people can't agree on a shared reality, they'll never find common ground. It's like putting two fighters in a ring, and then removing the floor.

Make no mistake, deception is the shadow that evil actors use to cloak their misdeeds - misdeeds that would NEVER fly if brought out into the light. And the most insidious form of deception is psychological manipulation - when you've been so brainwashed that even when a thing is presented to you clearly, you see it as something different, because your own mind has been hijacked. You require the filter of your leader and his goons to interpret evidence before you, having lost all independent evaluation and common sense. This is textbook cult behavior.

Of course, because you're being manipulated, you'll accuse your opponents of the same thing. What sets us apart, then? What can resolve this conundrum? Only objective reality. I'm willing to question my biases and have an honest conversation. Are you willing to do the same?

For example, our movement didn't land on the accusation of fascism just because it sounds damning. We reached that conclusion based on overwhelming evidence. You have a big job debunking that one, but go ahead and try. Unless you can pull it off, "if the shoe fits..." On the other hand, calling our political protest (exercising a Constitutional right) a "hate America rally" is so obviously untrue, and designed to manipulate. Do you even HAVE a counter argument for that one, or are you just going to ignore it becuse you know you'll lose a point?

I have plenty of criticisms of the liberal platform, and I'm willing to talk about them (so you can't say I'm a brainwashed dupe), but they're pretty minor compared to the atrocities the right is committing. And their fundamental principles are inherently more humane. How can you even argue against the virtue of empathy? ESPECIALLY if you call yourself Christian? I honestly believe the alternative is so horrible, that people can't realistically face up to it, so they burn off parts of their brain to avoid admitting they just want to take selfishly at the expense of others.

I get that you want the world to be simple. But it's not simple. And neither are people. Gender and sexuality are complicated. Forcing them into boxes to preserve your narrow understanding is a denial of reality that hurts real people (and limits your own vision of reality!). It's okay if you don't understand it, but when did giving people the freedom to live their own lives their own way become a bad thing - dare I say, an un-American thing? You don't like freedom? Sure, it goes against your small-minded view of "God's plan". But if you're American, freedom comes first. Even the freedom to choose your own God. If you disagree with that statement, you are factually un-American, in the most fundamental way - the Constitutional way.

I just want you to answer these challenges. Not ignore them and bury your head in the sand. Because if you can't, if you're not smart enough, then why would you not defer to somebody who's smarter than you? I have legitimate complaints about your ideology. Fundamental, world-shattering inconsistencies. If you continue to shrug it off, that is an acceptance of defeat. Your silence speaks volumes. So if you're wrong, and you know you're wrong, because you don't even have a thing to say in your defense, then why do you persist in letting your egoistic delusions affect other people's lives in very real and measurable ways? ANSWER ME!

Evil Absence

According to conventional religious doctrine, the problem of evil is resolved by the presence of free will. God lets bad things happen because it's important that we have the freedom to choose good or evil. In the case of tragedies not caused by anybody's choices - like natural disasters, or childhood cancer - it's all part of God's plan. What is God's plan, you ask? We're not allowed to know. Or we couldn't possibly understand. What's important is that in either of these cases, there is no material difference in reality whether there is no God, or there is an unreachable, unknowable God.

Why, then, should we believe in a God, when no God would result in the exact same reality? Because believing it has a positive psychological impact, perhaps? Understand that the question of whether believing in God helps us is very different than the question of whether God exists. In a lot of cases, that belief IS helpful to people - especially people who are coping with grief and tragedy. Because, like air rushing in to fill a void, it provides us with something that is lacking. In other words, we believe in a God because we NEED there to be a God, to make sense of what is unfortunately a senseless reality.

On the other hand, history provides us no shortage of examples of the worst kind of horrors perpetrated for the glory of God. The problem is that blind, unquestioning faith has - as atheist activist Greta Christina once put it - no reality check. It can be (and has been, and continues to be) used as a blanket to cover up the justifications for all manner of atrocities. If it can go both ways, then isn't it better that we stick to a philosophy that's beholden to rational analysis? Reason can be questioned. It can be put on trial. Our judgment may be inferior to God's, but who is fool enough to believe the man who says his own judgment IS God's? Because he figured out how to put on a priest collar? Shouldn't God be able to speak for Himself?

So why does He remain silent? If God exists, why does He permit men to do evil in His name, when He could easily set the record straight? Is such a being even worthy of the title? Worthy of being worshipped? What kind of an egotistical narcissist must He be, to care more that you show your devotion in the absence of any evidence, than He cares to actually be present in our lives and provide guidance to those of us who so desperately need it? He's no better than an absentee father, demanding but undeserving of your love.

Thoughts on a Labor Day

"Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." You'll also never see a single paycheck, because that's not how work works. However, that does describe my lifestyle - though not entirely by choice. I enjoy the flexibility and control over my own time, and the freedom from stress and dealing with other people. But not receiving the capital that our society defines as value has a definite lasting impact on my feeling of self-worth. And that's a significant price to pay for these privileges.

I know there are people out there who work really hard at their jobs. (I also know that how hard you work doesn't necessarily scale with the size of your paycheck). But I also know that I work at least as hard as some people who do get paid a full-time wage (office jobs are notoriously padded with downtime). From my perspective, you can't blame me for thinking that what you're getting paid for isn't the service you provide or the product you create, it's dealing with the stress and the inconvenience of making yourself uncomfortable on somebody else's time. You're trading your soul and your peace of mind for money, a little bit at a time.

And I still envy you, because there are a lot of things I could do with money that would make me and the people I care about happier than they are.* But if my persistent anxiety is any indication, I fear I'd have to conclude that I don't believe it's worth it. I just hate the feeling that I'm a valuable resource - I'm smart, and I'm a hard worker in spite of my avoidant personality - and my life is being wasted because nobody out there is in a position to tap my potential. I want to do big things. I want to matter. But I've seen the future, and I die a nameless nobody. My journey is just a process of learning to accept it. I'll probably even outlive most of the few people who know me and care about me. That is, if my fragile heart doesn't give out way before my time...

---

*Money doesn't buy happiness, but it can offset a lot of unnecessary suffering, and put you in a better position to thrive. You hear about it, but I feel like it's hard to imagine when you live in a bubble. I don't want to out anyone, or embarrass anyone, so I won't name any names, but I've personally known (and in some cases personally helped, despite not even having a job) people who have been unable to afford groceries, to pay their electric bill, to get their air conditioner fixed in the summer, to buy gifts for their kids at Christmas, to hire a lawyer to sue for custody arrangements, to have a place to stay and food to eat and clothes to wear after their house burned down in a fire...

These are, by and large, necessities of living in modern day civilization - not luxuries. I don't approve of all of these people's lifestyle decisions, and not all of them are good at managing money. But I still like them as people, and I don't think they deserve to suffer without the basic necessities of life. It's also hard to say no when people you care about are asking you for help, even when you're barely living above their means. It's a no-win situation. You either enable their vices (like buying them groceries after they've spent all of their own money on cigarettes), or feel like a horrible person (because you're letting them go hungry).

But that's why these difficulties aren't isolated to the people that suffer them. It's the reason I changed my mind about drug laws. I used to think that if somebody wanted to eat poison and destroy themselves, they should have the freedom to do so. But then I saw firsthand the effect that has on your loved ones, who didn't consent to seeing you destroy yourself, but moreover, didn't consent to the financial and emotional drain your destruction would inevitably have on them.

People make dumb decisions sometimes and it hurts more than just themselves. But that's our responsibility as a society, to help each other out. But how can we help each other out when we're stretched so thin that we can barely help ourselves? And yet a few people in this world have obscene stores of money. You think anybody actually deserves that much more money than a person can make working an honest living at a full time job? Billionaires aren't gods. They aren't saints. I believe some people do deserve more than others. But there is no cosmic justice, and we do a horrible job of deciding what anybody deserves or doesn't deserve.

It's why our justice system is a circus court. But I can tell you this, nobody deserves to have a billion or even a million dollars until everybody can afford at least the basic necessities of life. And if you think somebody deserves less because of poor choices they've made, well too bad. Because the people who make good choices and deserve more don't always get it, either. That's just not how the system works. So congratulations for making it in this unfair world. You think you can just vote to keep things more or less the same, so you can go on thriving, as long as it's somebody else who has to suffer for the failures in our system? What a wonderful person you are.

I'm not personable. I prefer to keep to myself mostly. I don't want to suffer for the poor choices other people have made, that I've consciously avoided making. That's why you won't see me opening up a soup kitchen, or inviting refugees into my home. But I'm not putting my head in the sand and saying "I've got mine - that's all that matters." That's why I support social reform. If people can help themselves, then it's less of a burden on me. So, yeah, it's selfish, but it's selfish in the sense that I thrive when other people are thriving, too. Not by profiting off of their misery. Isn't that how society should work?

Tekko '25

Although I am as dedicated to Tekko as I've ever been - even after all these years - I considered not writing a con report this year. What's the point? Who even reads them? Their only purpose is to remind myself what happened when, and to help me keep my history straight. I guess that's something, but it's more work at the end of an already exhausting weekend. And it's harder with every passing year to avoid repetition, as well as to articulate the highlights without getting overly personal (in order to protect the privacy of anyone who isn't me). Nevertheless, here I am in front of the keyboard; because I realized that writing these things helps me to process the whole experience, and provide some measure of closure to the decompression phase.

This is my fifteenth Tekko in eighteen years (I missed a couple in the wake of COVID). I don't even go to panels anymore (if there are any good ones, I can't tell, because the schedule is a hot mess). I didn't get to see any AMVs this year (we had to leave early on Sunday, before the awards). My cosplays are becoming repetitive (although I still enjoy wearing them - and crafting new ones is hard). Even my pictures are losing their novelty. Yet, I still had a blast. I enjoyed myself thoroughly, even in the face of the occasional frustrations and disappointments (every con has highs and lows). After all these years, I still love going, and I still get depressed when it's over.

I'm grateful to have found others to share this experience with (including the next two generations) - although it's still hard to find people who can match the enthusiasm I have. Yes, it's tiring. It's expensive - absolutely (and in this economy, it hits harder than ever). And it can be stressful at times. But I never can understand why everybody is always in a hurry to get back home on Sunday. Or why they don't want to get there early on Thursday. I paid to be there. I've looked forward to it all year long. There's nowhere else I want to be. Come Monday morning, I'm lost and confused. I don't want to go back to everyday life. I just want to go back to the con! Which reminds me, it's time to book my ticket and get a locked-in rate on a hotel room for 2026!

As for new anime I've discovered this past year, I just finished watching a series called Orb: On The Movements of the Earth, which I thought was fantastic. It depicts the cultural shift in Europe during the transitional period between the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, as amateur astronomers pursuing the heliocentric theory are hunted relentlessly by the church. It's about the elegant beauty of science, the stubborn march of progress, and what it costs. It's about forbidden knowledge, the righteousness of truth, and the wickedness of society (especially religion, although secular indoctrination can accomplish the same ideological oppression) in protecting its own self-serving lies by committing barbarous atrocities without conscience or remorse, all in the name of control. It's something that anyone who's lived a life of oppression, hiding in fear of what would happen should the truth come out, can understand and appreciate.

I also had the great pleasure of watching an older series from the mid-oughts titled Monster, about a genius surgeon turned fugitive's dogged pursuit of a sociopathic killer whose life he unknowingly saved in the ER. It was also fantastic. I recommend it. (Just don't expect any fantasy elements that are teased by the show's title and aesthetic). I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Dandadan, an energetic new show that melds comedy, romance, and supernatural action, and has become an instant hit. And then there's Gushing Over Magical Girls, a clever new series that skirts the line between ecchi and full-on hentai. I'll admit that I was initially put off by the art style, but I'm glad I stuck with it. In this show, the protagonist is actually the villain - a girl who has a fetish for magical girls, and uses her powers (along with her cohorts) to trap the heroines in all manner of embarrassing and perverted situations. It's the best deconstruction of the magical girl genre since Madoka Magica!

You know what? I'm tired of the usual note-for-note format of these reports, so let me just describe some of the memorable highlights (and lowlights) of the weekend. Starting with the swag. As planned, I got a combat-ready foam lightsaber (green) for my Slave Leia cosplay. It took me a while to find the right booth in the Exhibition Hall - but I finally did. And their lightsabers were on sale, too! Although still very expensive. But I budgeted for it, and I'm happy with my purchase. I also bought a Lum figure, since I finally watched Urusei Yatsura (albeit the remake) this year. It's a good show, and I like the character (to say nothing of her excellent taste in fashion). For a tasty treat, in lieu of chocolate-covered gummy bears (which I did not see this year), I bought some mini buckeyes instead. I think I like them even better. I saw a Chii figure I absolutely adored (perched on top of a telephone pole), but it had an outrageous $420 price tag...

On Thursday night, we had a good time swimming together in the hotel pool, and walking out onto the deck, with the skyscrapers looming above. At the end of the day on Friday, I went to use the bathroom only to discover that the soap had run out. And then, while putting my Slave Leia cosplay back on, two of the four straps broke, leaving me to comically hold the pieces against my body while shuffling around the con floor in a thong, looking for a hand sanitizer station - so that I could then sit on the floor and finagle a workaround using some elastic hair bands and a couple of twisty ties (I did not come unprepared for contingencies, mind you).

Did I mention that this happened at the busiest part of the con, just outside the main hall, while the dance was going on? That was the moment that broke my usually unflappable composure. And for anyone who might be thinking, "come on, I bet you loved walking around the con in a thong!" - first of all, that's fair. But let this be a lesson to you: just because I think pushing the boundaries is a healthy expression of freedom (the moment we can't do that, we are no longer free), doesn't mean that I lack a social conscience (or at the very least, a self-preservation instinct). :-p

On a (somewhat) brighter note, I was out on the balcony trying to console a distraught teenager (one of two we had brought with us) on Saturday night, when a nearby couple offered a heartfelt reminiscence sparked by their recognition of my cosplay. They asked how long I'd been coming to Tekko (which is why I had the exact number on recall earlier in this report), because they remembered seeing me and my cohorts in our Sexy Pokemon group cosplay that year - which clearly made an indelible impression. Not everybody likes my body-positive approach to cosplay - and they don't have to - but I get enough positive attention to feel appreciated. And I'm proud to know that, at least in some people's minds, I've become something of an institution at the con. It makes me feel a little bit better about recycling my cosplays year after year. If it ain't broke...

Speaking of which, my new tail strap snapping shortly before the dance on Saturday night turned out to be serendipitous, because the replacement I'd brought (from a previous year, which was surprisingly still intact), while not an ideal length - it pushes the top of the tail against my back - was considerably more stable. Which served me well, given that while I was in the dance supervising the aforementioned teen (can't be too careful in an environment like that), I was pulled into the center of the dance circle and forced, against my will, to show off my moves. I tried my absolute hardest to avoid completely embarrassing myself, although I'm pretty sure I failed. You just can't walk into a rave dressed as Pikachu in a speedo and NOT expect to become the center of attention...

And if that sounds familiar, it's because it's happened before. But I can't help marveling at the contrast - looking back on previous years at Tekko, way before I even had another person to go with. I remember feeling lonely and left out during the rave. It's still not my scene, and I'll never be a social butterfly. But just to be standing in a different position today, going into that rave - not for myself, but in support of a young person on the verge of growing her wings - it puts things into perspective. I'm not a parent, but every once in a while I get to play the role just a little bit. It makes you feel important, and useful. Being young is difficult. Social forces are like a bubbling chaos. Everyone wants to be popular, but not everyone gets to be.

Yet when you become an adult - when you get to watch the next generation navigate those forces without being awash in them yourself - and especially when you have the opportunity to offer some guidance, none of that high school social status bullshit matters anymore. All that matters is what kind of person you are. And if you're a good person, having somebody admire you and depend on you, and in turn getting to see them for who they are and not how they rank on the social ladder... You just understand the difference between what's real and what's fake - and what's important. And that you're a part of it. Even if you never got to be before. It's comforting to have the reassurance of knowing that you have a meaningful and positive impact on another person's life. For all that it's worth.

I'm trying to express something profound here, and I think I'm failing to put it into words. So I'm just gonna close the book on this report. There are more stories that could be told, but they are as much other people's stories as mine.

Revisiting Moderation

Moderation isn't the product of bouncing between extremes, like a matter and antimatter particle canceling each other out. It's about the virtue of stability, dependability, and predictability. Not everyone considers these things virtues - and that's alright. But a person defined by polarity is not a poster child for moderation. I hitched my star to moderation because I define myself as even-keeled. My soul signature is "between", not "averaged out".

When I wrote (eight years ago [NSFW]), that "even moderation should be practiced in moderation", it wasn't to cancel moderation out, and thereby justify excess. To live (truly, that is) by the mantra "everything in moderation, including moderation" means that even your indulgences - which are human, and part of a balanced life - should be managed with a moderate temperament.

It acknowledges that, as humans, we are not perfectly balanced machines - which is okay - but that we should exert effort to balance even our imbalances, because doing so is good for us. This is certainly not a universal truth, and others may disagree. But if you do, then this is probably not the life philosophy for you. Using it to excuse extreme behaviors profanes the concept at its very heart, and borderlines on becoming an Orwellian construction - "indulgence is moderation." Why? because we must moderate our moderation? That's like tolerating the intolerant.

My Struggle

There's a new local photography club starting up in my area. Part of me is excited by the thought of meeting other people who share an interest in a hobby that has become something of a lifelong passion for me. But I'm not going to join. And not just because meeting new people gives me anxiety (although that's a contributing factor).

I'm not going to be able to relate to these people. They're not going to accept me as one of their own. They'll most likely take pictures of birds and flowers and babies and buildings, and while I've taken pictures of most of these things, it's not what inspires me.

The art I create is misunderstood. My intentions will be misinterpreted. I know, because it's happened before. Even in the case that other artists get it, there's a hard-boiled limiting factor baked into our culture that prevents my work from getting anything that might resemble professional exposure.

The one time I met other artists who do something similar to what I do - the first time I felt like I wasn't the only person in the world who does it - was online. I pushed myself WAY outside my comfort zone, in the hope of growing into a community that might offer the possibility of collaboration.

But it was all for naught. Like the NFTs they blindly idolized, all their ambitious plans evaporated in an instant, leaving me alone (like I've always been) with the summer plans I had cancelled so I could be flexible enough to zoom off to another state at a moment's notice.

If you knew the small town I live in, you'd know the chance of meeting anyone even remotely like me is astronomically small. If I were of a stronger constitution, I might actually relish the opportunity to be a trailblazer, opening people's eyes to possibilities they might never have considered before. But any potential there, is locked behind the bars of my anxiety.

It's been a pattern in my life that I tend to eschew anything that's popular (while rushing to the defense of the improperly maligned). Sometimes I wonder if I do it subconsciously to distance myself from the social interactions I fear, or as some kind of psychic retaliation against the people who have, in my mind, rejected me (although the reality is that I probably never gave them a chance in the first place). [Although a more favorable interpretation is that I understand firsthand what it is to be rejected and misunderstood - so I want to provide support to others in the same position, while standing up to the mentality that fuels this kind of bullying behavior].

Is this why I gravitate toward the esoteric and the controversial? Because it gives a purpose to my self-generated feelings of isolation within, while also providing a buffer from the pain of connection? "Of course I'm alone - look at how eccentric I am!" Yet my interests are genuine, and deep. It's simply not in me to be inauthentic. Life is truly more fascinating on the fringes than it is in the mainstream.

My struggle is this: I am still a social creature. I crave to feel part of a community. Yet I'll sabotage any chance of that happening, to spare me from agony. I'd LIKE to see it as a problem in need of a solution (chemistry? therapy?). But the more likely reality is that it will never change. And the sooner I accept this, the better. There's no end to my suffering. Just the question of what I'll accomplish in SPITE of it, and to what extent I'll ALLOW it to hold me back.

If life disappoints me 99 times, is that really justification not to try once more? Or, a question more appropriate to my circumstances: if life devastates me once, tearing me down body and soul, is that a good enough reason to spend the rest of my life hiding in my shell? I'm still working out the answer to that one.

Supermarket Sunday

I don't want to offend anyone who watches football. I mean, I like the concept of the Superbowl party - the festive atmosphere, the foods, the excitement of the game. I just wish it revolved around something that I found more interesting. Sports in particular is an activity that I think is better done than spectated, but even then, you could pick a better game - like gymnastics or beach volleyball, or even a cheer comp. Something that's at least visually stimulating, beyond counting points as a ball goes back and forth across the screen.

Watching family and friends follow games on TV for much of my life, I've always disliked the manner in which the viewer pins such intense highs and lows of joy and disappointment upon the performance of a group of athletes with which the only thing they have in common (in most cases) is their general area of residence. It's like a localized form of nationalism. That kind of arbitrary tribal mentality might have served us back when we were primitive hunter-gatherers, but in this global society, it's one of the driving forces behind such things as war, bigotry, and terrorism. One stranger isn't better than another stranger just because he lives closer to you, and maybe he's been to some of the same stores or restaurants, or listens to the same radio programs as you do.

Anyway, the first few years I moved away from home, it was a novelty and a relief being able to get through an entire season without even hearing about football. In some cases, Superbowl Sunday passed me by without me even recognizing that there was a game on. I don't miss it one bit. But one thing I've learned that's fun to do is to go grocery shopping on the day of the big game. All the stores are basically empty, because everybody's at home glued to their couches. It's a pretty cool atmosphere. I think I'll call it Supermarket Sunday.

Sunscreen

In 1997, Baz Luhrmann (the same Baz Luhrmann who directed the film adaptation of Romeo + Juliet, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes as the titular star-crossed lovers) released a spoken word song titled Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen), which was in actuality an adaptation of an essay written by Mary Schmich, former columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Styled as a hypothetical commencement speech, it contains a lot of good, general life advice. Anyway, there's a line in it which I think about from time to time (among several others, as a matter of fact), that reads as follows:

"Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft."

(I've travelled to both places, but haven't lived in either). I like this line because it reflects balance. It displays the importance of cultivating a varied perspective on the world, and the practice of familiarizing oneself with (and, presumably, generating empathy for) people who come from vastly different walks of life. But at the same time, it cautions you not to become too entrenched in a particular camp, or to let over-exposure dim the broadness of your vision.

I've read both Kinsey reports cover to cover (as with any textbook, the academic prose is dry, but filled with fascinating insights for those with a little patience). It, of course, has much to say about human sexuality, but of the many things that have stuck with me, I remember a comment about how in this great American experiment, most people do not change social class throughout their lives. Some people do, indeed, move up the social ladder - which is the elusive American dream. There are plenty of rags-to-riches stories out there (although I wonder to what extent this is just a convenient fantasy designed to placate the less fortunate masses). But only a minority ever find themselves climbing down the social ladder. Which is not to say that it does not happen (and there is certainly a catharsis to be had from the not unpopular riches-to-rags reverse tale).

Regardless, I would categorize my upbringing squarely in the middle class range. My immediate family was not what I would consider to be rich. But we were definitely not poor, either. I don't know the details of my parents' lives before I was born (we've never really been a "gather 'round and tell our life stories" kind of family), but I suspect that I may have had something of a more comfortable upbringing than one or both of my parents had. Which is nice for me. Unfortunately, circumstances directly related to mental illness (i.e., my crippling anxiety), have prevented me from fully unlocking my potential in life. I do my best to maintain the standards I grew up with - and I have a certain pride in that, although others of lesser means may interpret it as snobbery (which is fair). But, since having moved out of state, I've definitely entrenched myself within the confines of a decidedly lower class environment.

There's no way I can speak authentically about this subject without the risk of tarnishing the reputation of, and potentially causing offense to, people that I honestly like and care about. Nobody's perfect - nor are most people responsible for the conditions they're born into, and the opportunities they're not given - and you can still love and respect someone in spite of their flaws. Heaven knows I have more than my fair share of my own. So I hope my words aren't taken out of context. To be fair, the reason I moved out here is the person I've chosen to spend my life with; and she is by all accounts a diamond in the rough. What's more impressive than who she is, is that she's managed to become that despite the circumstances she's had to overcome.

So, like, don't get me wrong. But, aside from that exception, I do find myself surrounded, in this town, by people who are, on average, poorer and less educated than what I'm used to. And let me tell you, it's eye-opening. For the first few years, it was an adjustment. Something I had to get used to. After getting to know some of these people, and participating in their lives, it's definitely given me an appreciation for the hurdles they're faced with. But the more you witness what seems to you like bad decisions, and relative lack of cognitive capacity and critical thinking skills - no matter how it's not these people's fault that they're playing with an incomplete deck, against professional scam artists - the more it whittles away at your faith in humanity, as if to convince you that sapience is a myth, and we're all just animals running on instinct.

You know, there's a certain misanthropic frustration that settles in, when you hear about the kind of unethical behaviors rich, upper class tycoons engage in (most of the time without any kind of repercussions). But there's a risk of swinging the pendulum too far in the opposite direction, and concluding that the lower class "salt of the earth" type of people possess some kind of fundamental virtue. It's like the phallacy of the "noble savage", but applied to poverty. And it should be all the more apparent in an age where the ignorance of the uneducated is being exploited by those same tycoons to proliferate their immoral debauchery.

And when you're constantly hammered over the head with it, again and again, day after day, it can get to a point where you start to lose that empathy. And a different kind of misanthropic frustration begins to settle in. One that is, perhaps, even more depressing. Because it's one thing to recognize the corrupting influence of power. But it's another thing entirely to recognize the rotten core that exists at the very heart of humanity itself, which doesn't even require power to find expression. I guess if I were to amend Mary Schmich's original essay, I would add the following line:

"Get an internship at a Fortune 500 company, but quit before it makes you cynical. Live out in the country, but leave before you lose all faith in humanity."

And don't forget to wear that sunscreen.

Behind The Code

I didn't always feel this way, and it's taken a lot of years of living to get to the point where I can honestly say, I would have liked to have had children. Which is not to say that I regret how things turned out. I struggle to manage my own life; I don't think it would be a good idea to put me in charge of somebody else's. Although, you never know, having children might have been the catalyst to motivate me to make the changes I could never make within myself. I know that's not a good gamble to place the wellbeing of another life upon. But let's be fair, people doom their offspring to much worse over much less every. single. day.

It's kind of how evolution and the propagation of the species works. It clashes with the sophisticated illusion of civilization we've constructed for ourselves, but spray and pray is the name of the game. You could be forgiven for doubting it if you've never left the middle class bubble that I grew up in. But look around down here at the bottom of the pyramid, and you simply can't avoid stepping in it. It makes you realize that in spite of all that so-called "sapience", we're still just apes in human clothing.

Anyway, from a certain perspective, caring for another generation is the most selfless act you can commit. But in my experience, making the conscious decision (which, to be fair, was easy - given the lack of opportunities handed to me) to sacrifice my chance at passing on my genes, and trying my hand at that delicious form of human clay molding known as parenthood, in order to spare a single other human being even the possibility of experiencing the absolute torture of what it is to go through life with my outlook - feeling that every minute of every day, there is an invisible train bearing down on me, and that my world will crumble to pieces in an instant with no warning, and that decades of living without that happening isn't enough to convince myself that I can ever breathe easy - is the most conscientious and selfless act (not to mention thankless) I could ever conceive of.

Because no amount of being smart, being attractive, being witty or insightful - none of it is worth it. I shouldn't have ever come into existence in the first place. But it's not like anybody could have known that before it happened. And since I'm here now, I'm still gonna make the most of it. I'm just saying, it's easier not to start the game than it is to shut it off before you're finished. But, man, life is a cosmic joke. And if there's a God up there (spoiler: there isn't), he's as sick and twisted as his followers say he's kind and all-loving. Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and shut it all out. I've seen too much of what goes on behind the curtains. It's no gift being able to read the code. I don't even get to manipulate it!

The Great Nothing

It's a sobering realization, after putting years of work into a lifelong project, when you think about how many people will never get to see the final product, because they ran out their clocks while you were still working on it. But it's even more sobering when you think about how many of those people would never have seen it anyway, even if they'd still been alive when it was finished - because they simply aren't interested.

And that's not a dig against them. I just think it's a tragedy that taste is subjective. Your mileage may vary, and I may just be reflecting my own faults, but it is my experience that every man is an island. Ironic though it is, it is even more readily apparent in this hyper-connected techno-global community. We are all just isolated digital nodes pretending to be a network. (In honor of the show that first taught me this, we each have an impenetrable AT Field).

So many times I've shouted into the abyss, only to get in response nothing more than a few faint snarls, and the echo of my own voice. My innermost desire is to leave behind some proof that I existed. My lifelong struggle is coming to terms with the fact that I am nothing. The curse that was placed on my soul is the fate of being middling. The title of my autobiography is "Almost Gifted". I'm too good to fit in with the riff-raff. But not good enough to be counted among the greats. And it tortures me endlessly.

Tomb Raider Outfits

I'm nearing completion of Tomb Raider Remastered, an awesome game released early this year on Steam which compiles the first three original Tomb Raider games with lovingly remastered graphics (rest assured, the gameplay is untouched). And I wanted to highlight the various outfits Lara dons in these games. Playing these games in the late '90s was not only one of my early experiences directing a female protagonist in a video game (something that would later clue me in to my nontraditional gender identity), but it triggered an early awakening of my interest in fashion.

Especially Tomb Raider 2, which - liberating itself from the hardware limitations of the first game (and Lara's infamous "pyramid boobs") - had the heroine switching up her wardrobe during the course of her adventure. The box came with a cardboard cut-out silhouette of Lara Croft, which I would trace the outline of so I could draw in different types of clothing. This would later manifest in my yearning for a mannequin to dress up, and ultimately my interest (after I convinced myself that I could pull it off sufficiently well) in dressing myself up in various feminine fashions.

In any case, today I want to review the different canonical outfits Lara dons in the first three Tomb Raider games, and pick out my favorites. I've separated them into categories.

Classic Outfits

From the very first Tomb Raider game, Lara Croft made a splash in her iconic outfit - with brown shorts, a turquoise shirt, and hiking boots. Minor adjustments were made for the sequel (not counting the improved graphics - not shown here). But in Tomb Raider 3, a version with cropped top and green shorts was featured during her tropical tour of the South Pacific Islands. And then there's a bonus version with Lara torn and bloodied. Although I usually say "less is more", there's just something about that classic outfit - and I prefer the scooped neck of the Tomb Raider 2 upgrade.

Workout Gear

Before each adventure, the player has the option to visit Croft Manor and train with Lara in order to learn her moves. For this segment she dons her workout gear - introducing, in the first game, her very first alternate outfit. Although Lara is restricted to the inside of the mansion in the first game (once again due to hardware limitations and/or production deadlines), subsequent games allow her to explore the outdoor obstacle course and garden environs. I've also included Lara's desert camo in this category, from her stint in Nevada during Tomb Raider 3, since it's just a color swap of her training outfit from that game. My favorite version is actually the first one. I like the sporty top, and the lack of shoes makes it feel more intimate.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

From the Himalayas to the South Pole, Lara has never been afraid of a little snow. In Tomb Raider 2 she donned her iconic bomber jacket to raid a Tibetan monastery, and in Tomb Raider 3 her adventures culminated in a trip to Antarctica. I've gotta say, I'm not feeling the orange parka and white camo. But that bomber jacket is stylin' - and I love that Lara gets to keep her trademark shorts.

You Might Get Wet

In Tomb Raider 2, Lara squeezed into a wetsuit (who could forget her mid-conversation wardrobe change just off-camera during the cinematic?) to explore a sunken shipwreck, and fended off a home invasion wearing nothing but a bathrobe. I do like the wetsuit - it's one of only a few outfits that don't include shoes (not a very helpful accessory when you're doing a lot of swimming) - but that velvety blue bathrobe is goddess-tier. Nothing can compete with it. I just wish Lara had sported a bikini at some point in-game.

Wildcats

When Lara made a tour of London in Tomb Raider 3, she slipped into a sleek black catsuit to play the spy. But her Vegas vacation in the secret bonus level to the expansion for Tomb Raider 2 (titled The Golden mask) was a nightmare - right down to her garish leopard print evening wear, which I'd prefer to forget. A dress would have been nice - but understandably impractical for all the running, jumping, and climbing Lara does. But that catsuit? That's the stuff of fantasies.