Tomb Raider Outfits

I'm nearing completion of Tomb Raider Remastered, an awesome game released early this year on Steam which compiles the first three original Tomb Raider games with lovingly remastered graphics (rest assured, the gameplay is untouched). And I wanted to highlight the various outfits Lara dons in these games. Playing these games in the late '90s was not only one of my early experiences directing a female protagonist in a video game (something that would later clue me in to my nontraditional gender identity), but it triggered an early awakening of my interest in fashion.

Especially Tomb Raider 2, which - liberating itself from the hardware limitations of the first game (and Lara's infamous "pyramid boobs") - had the heroine switching up her wardrobe during the course of her adventure. The box came with a cardboard cut-out silhouette of Lara Croft, which I would trace the outline of so I could draw in different types of clothing. This would later manifest in my yearning for a mannequin to dress up, and ultimately my interest (after I convinced myself that I could pull it off sufficiently well) in dressing myself up in various feminine fashions.

In any case, today I want to review the different canonical outfits Lara dons in the first three Tomb Raider games, and pick out my favorites. I've separated them into categories.

Classic Outfits

From the very first Tomb Raider game, Lara Croft made a splash in her iconic outfit - with brown shorts, a turquoise shirt, and hiking boots. Minor adjustments were made for the sequel (not counting the improved graphics - not shown here). But in Tomb Raider 3, a version with cropped top and green shorts was featured during her tropical tour of the South Pacific Islands. And then there's a bonus version with Lara torn and bloodied. Although I usually say "less is more", there's just something about that classic outfit - and I prefer the scooped neck of the Tomb Raider 2 upgrade.

Workout Gear

Before each adventure, the player has the option to visit Croft Manor and train with Lara in order to learn her moves. For this segment she dons her workout gear - introducing, in the first game, her very first alternate outfit. Although Lara is restricted to the inside of the mansion in the first game (once again due to hardware limitations and/or production deadlines), subsequent games allow her to explore the outdoor obstacle course and garden environs. I've also included Lara's desert camo in this category, from her stint in Nevada during Tomb Raider 3, since it's just a color swap of her training outfit from that game. My favorite version is actually the first one. I like the sporty top, and the lack of shoes makes it feel more intimate.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

From the Himalayas to the South Pole, Lara has never been afraid of a little snow. In Tomb Raider 2 she donned her iconic bomber jacket to raid a Tibetan monastery, and in Tomb Raider 3 her adventures culminated in a trip to Antarctica. I've gotta say, I'm not feeling the orange parka and white camo. But that bomber jacket is stylin' - and I love that Lara gets to keep her trademark shorts.

You Might Get Wet

In Tomb Raider 2, Lara squeezed into a wetsuit (who could forget her mid-conversation wardrobe change just off-camera during the cinematic?) to explore a sunken shipwreck, and fended off a home invasion wearing nothing but a bathrobe. I do like the wetsuit - it's one of only a few outfits that don't include shoes (not a very helpful accessory when you're doing a lot of swimming) - but that velvety blue bathrobe is goddess-tier. Nothing can compete with it. I just wish Lara had sported a bikini at some point in-game.

Wildcats

When Lara made a tour of London in Tomb Raider 3, she slipped into a sleek black catsuit to play the spy. But her Vegas vacation in the secret bonus level to the expansion for Tomb Raider 2 (titled The Golden mask) was a nightmare - right down to her garish leopard print evening wear, which I'd prefer to forget. A dress would have been nice - but understandably impractical for all the running, jumping, and climbing Lara does. But that catsuit? That's the stuff of fantasies.

Pathologic - Contents

As my blog has become flooded with Pathologic entries over the past month and a half, I figured it might be worthwhile to write up a little contents page to put those entries in order. Easier for you (and me) to find them, and easier for random passersby to make sense of them.

My Pathologic experience all started here. I went through each of the three scenarios - first the Bachelor, then the Haruspicus, and finally the Devotress - writing my thoughts down as I went along. Obviously, my ability playing and understanding the game increases throughout, from beginning to end - so expect 'adaptation' type entries early on (particularly throughout the Bachelor's scenario), and 'mastery' type entries later on (such as in the Devotress' scenario). There are certain entries that can or do stand alone, outside of a specific scenario (either in part or in whole), which I'll list here:

Getting to Know the Town - written during the Bachelor scenario, explains the basic layout of the town, and its inhabitants, as I understood it at the time.

The Rat Race - written during the Haruspicus' scenario, describing the rat race 'mini-game' introduced in that scenario.

Infection - discusses infection, the various forms it comes in, and how to deal with it, from the perspective of having beaten the game once (thus knowing most of the tricks).

Linguistic - brief discussion of the game's text and translation, and introduction to the Character Quips entries, which exhibit interesting (both humorous and insightful) quotations from all of the important characters: Part 1 (Utopians), Part 2 (Children), Part 3 (Criminals). May contain plot spoilers (it was written after completing the Bachelor and Haruspicus scenarios, but before starting on the Devotress).

The Juvenile Market - written early in the Devotress' scenario, discusses the mechanics of trading with the kids in town.

Lingering Questions - internal debate concerning general questions about the source of infection, Simon's importance, and other plot spoiling goodness, written a few days into the Devotress' scenario (and pulling on lots of information uncovered in the other two scenarios).

A Staggering Reveal - examination of the "staggering reveal" uncovered in the climax to the excellent three-part RPS review of Pathologic.

Another Note On Infection - more talk of infection, and strategies for dealing with it, written towards the end of the Devotress' scenario (with only one minor Klara-specific spoiler in the first paragraph).

Vanity - Some leftover screencaps and a few beautiful textures ripped from the game. Completely spoiler-free!

Setting the Mood - the last(?) Pathologic entry I've written (not counting this one), consisting of my best screencaps accompanied by my favorite quotes from the game. If you're reading ahead before clicking through to any of these entries (like they taught you to do in school :p), I recommend checking out this entry before any of the others. Then again, there's a little bit of clever juxtaposition in some of the words and images that only seasoned players may pick up. ;)

Now then, onto the player journals (a few of the above listed entries will repeat):


Scenario: The Bachelor

First Impressions
Warming Up
Quarantine
Progress
Trial By Fire
Getting to Know the Town
Jailbreak
Witch Hunt
Sacrifice
The Inquisitor Arrives
The Apiary Opens
The Army Arrives
The Tower
Slow Day
Day 11
Endgame:
The Final Decision
Betrayal


Scenario: The Haruspicus

Take Two
Unraveling the Mystery
Heritage
Brand
Of Life And Death
Of Beasts And Men
Intrigue
Into The Abattoir
The Rat Race
The Veins of Suok
Occupation
Signal Fires
Udurg
Map Quest (Long Distance Runaround)
Endgame:
Revelation
Shattering the Fourth Wall


Scenario: The Devotress

Messenger
Spirit of Rebellious Order
Detour: The Juvenile Market
Seeds of Caravan
Robbers and Bandits
Sacrament of Rubin
Angel of Death
Retribution
Town: Interiors
Town: The Head
Simon
Adherents
Another Note On Infection
Endgame:
Last Decision on Town

That's it. Enjoy!

(Okay, here's an Easter Egg - check out these cool conceptual drawings of the three healers!)

Your Personal Nightmare

As promised, here is my follow-up to the previous post on Silent Hill Origins.

Let's start by looking at the stats for my second play-through:

Total enemies killed using melee weapons: 188
Total enemies killed using firearms: 1
Total enemies killed using fists: 58
Total items collected: 330
Number of map views: 7
Number of times saved: 13
Distance walked: 21.97
Total game time: 4:26:50
Total flashlight use time: 0:23:48
Number of game completions: 2

Total game time was cut in half from my first time, down to just 4.5 hours. Saves were reduced to almost a third of the previous number - showing my increasing confidence and knowledge of the game. I made a conscious effort not to view the map (although I still instinctively picked the maps up, and doing so results in an automatic view - that counts six (Town, Hospital, Sanitarium, Theater, Motel, Othertown) plus one extra view when I accidentally pressed the wrong button), and to keep my flashlight off as much as possible. You can walk right past most demons with the flashlight off (if the room is dark), and they won't attack you, but of course, it can be hard to see things lying around (and some rooms are just really really dark). I also focused on just using melee weapons/fists (I was kind of undecided/confused about which to choose) - however, that one firearm kill is none other than The Butcher, whom I was too afraid to fight up close, considering his lethal Great Cleaver.

As you may have suspected, all of these special conditions I fulfilled for the express purpose of earning accolades, which I briefly mentioned in the previous post. Extras in Silent Hill Origins are separated individually, such that you can earn them one (or more) at a time, and you get to keep the bounty on successive play-throughs (instead of just the next play-through). Previous Silent Hills gave rewards for high star rankings (abolished in this game), the best reward reserved for the nigh impossible ten star ranking. In Origins, you can work on the different accolades independently, instead of having to satisfy all the right conditions in a single play-through.

For example, there is a Sprinter Accolade, for beating the game in under two hours, and a Daredevil Accolade for beating the game without a single save. Previous games would require a minimum number of saves *and* a low completion time (along with myriad other requirements) for the ten star ranking, but this way, you can play the game through once, focusing on speed, saving as much as you want in order to perfect your timing, and then play it again, taking as much time as you need to beat it, but without saving your progress. Afterwards, you'll have both rewards in the subsequent play-through!

Well, that's exactly what I was planning on doing, but I started my sprinter run and I just thought to myself, "I don't feel particularly threatened", so I just didn't save and made it my daredevil run as well! Here are the stats for that run:

Total enemies killed using melee weapons: 4
Total enemies killed using firearms: 0
Total enemies killed using fists: 23
Total items collected: 88
Number of map views: 21
Number of times saved: 0
Distance walked: 6.66 Km
Total game time: 0:57:52
Total flashlight use time: 0:03:04
Number of game completions: 3

Zero saves, and completion in less than an hour (taking the shortcut joke ending). That 6.66 Km walking distance did not go unnoticed. Flashlight time under 5 minutes(!). Focused on killing with my fists (albeit with the help of the powerful Moon Gauntlets - although you have to be careful to only knock the enemy down and not kill it with the gauntlets so that you can stomp it and get a "fist" kill, since the gauntlets count as a melee weapon).

My overall conclusion for this game in comparison to previous Silent Hills is that it's fairly short (although I remember the original Silent Hill being relatively short as well), and, as much of a sting this is, not quite as scary as the other games. Still scary, just not as. Now let's talk about some of the cooler Extras:

Each accolade earns you an alternate costume, and some of them get you an additional special item. I'd say the majority of the costumes are kind of boring, but there are some cool ones.

Acquiring the "good" ending gets you the Savior Accolade, which comes with a nifty leather outfit, and the previously mentioned Moon Gauntlets, which are quite powerful - I was surprised when the final boss of the game took three whole punches to defeat!

The "bad" ending nets you The Butcher costume, which is pretty cool (bloody clothing), and The Butcher's Great Cleaver.

The UFO Ending (a joke, and a Silent Hill tradition), gets you the Tesla Rifle, which is a gun that shoots lightning. It's not super-powerful, but as it's supposedly powered by moonbeams, it never runs out of energy, and is quite cool to use. The "spacesuit" costume is unremarkable.

The Sprinter Accolade, achieved by beating the game in under two hours, gets you a costume which looks unappealing (sweats), but allows you to run nonstop without running out of breath - thus quite useful for running down those long streets of Silent Hill.

The Stalker Accolade, for playing in the dark with the flashlight off, is perhaps one of the coolest. The costume is a "black ops" uniform, and the accolade also includes a pair of night vision goggles, which are quite useful indoors. Get used to the characteristic green vision, and you'll be able to hunt demons in pitch black, knocking them out before they know what hit them. Particularly good for sneaking past demons without getting attacked, in order to save time and ammo.

The Fireman Accolade is also pretty cool. At the beginning of the game, there's a sequence where you come upon a burning house, and have to save the girl (none other than Alessa) inside. If you do it really quickly, you'll earn the accolade, which gets you a neat fireman costume and a powerful Fire Axe.

Take your choice, do you want to play through Silent Hill as a Fireman, a black ops agent, or a bloodied serial killer? The dog costume (Daredevil Accolade) and the Mexican wrestling outfit (Brawler Accolade) are amusing, but ridiculous. The latter is earned by defeating most enemies with your fists. As alluded to, there are also accolades for defeating most enemies with melee weapons, and with firearms. And there are a couple others.

And now let's talk psychology. If you don't want to read major plot spoilers, then don't read any further. One of the coolest things about Silent Hill is the concept of the town personalizing your inner demons, and manifesting them into a[n apparently] physical form, to h[a]unt you down, until you uncover whatever deep revelation the town intends for you, or come to terms with a certain traumatic event in your past. For example, it is said that Alessa is afraid of dogs, thus explaining the dog monsters in the first (and third) game. Also, the schoolhouse boss in the first game was a monster from a scary story found in the school's library (The Monster Lurks). In Silent Hill 2, James is pursued by the assassin Pyramid Head, which can be said to be a literal embodiment of his [repressed] guilt about putting his wife out of her misery. Similarly, in Silent Hill Origins, it is revealed that Travis Grady may have a split personality - unknown to the side of him that we control in the game - as a result of the trauma of his parent's deaths in childhood, that manifests in the form of a brutal serial killer (The Butcher). Travis' unexpected layover in Silent Hill, in addition to his interactions with Alessa, serve to dredge up the childhood trauma he's repressed, and force him to confront his alter-ego. In a very real sense, it is a healing journey - although success (and survival) is far from guaranteed. This is what I love about Silent Hill.

Two recurring species of nightmare in the Silent Hill games are the demonic nurses, and the "straitjackets". The former represent a not uncommon fear for many people of doctors (and it's no coincidence that much time in Silent Hill is spent in a number of different hospitals). The straitjackets - lumbering figures with limited capabilities for aggression (though that doesn't hamper their intent) - can be said to represent personal feelings of self-imprisonment, and feelings of weakness and inability to cope with one's problems (not unlike the symbolism of the VIII of Swords). The enemies that show up in Silent Hill Origins take forms that represent Travis' fears and insecurities, and in some cases Alessa's also. The "carrion" demon - an oversized, disfigured, stumbling half-roadkill beast - represents Travis' guilt over animals killed during his career as a truck driver. The "twoback" beast that stalks the motel mocks Travis' sexual insecurities, which are suggested in dialogue elsewhere. And of course, the malformed figures of Travis' parents, whose deaths traumatized him as a child, constitute two of the bosses/obstacles on Travis' journey of healing.

You have to admire a game that inspires psychoanalysis on this order. But what tickles my inspiration bone, is the idea of personalized nightmares. What if you - yes, you - were to visit Silent Hill? Is there a monster lurking in your subconscious, waiting to be recognized? What kind of nightmares haunt you, and what form would they take as you cautiously, nervously wander the foggy streets of Silent Hill? I ask this question, and I think the answer would be most intriguing, however it's not only an incredibly personal question (and revealing your fears and insecurities always comes with the risk that others could take advantage of that information - then again, all the better for you to confront them), but it's also asking you to shed light on something that may well be hiding in the darker corridors of your mind; perhaps a place you'd rather not go. But Silent Hill has a way of calling you, of pulling you into a trap which forces you to do just that, if you would survive.

I think it's something worth thinking about.

Silent Hill: Origins

It's a little bit early yet to be celebrating Halloween (Samhain for my Pagan readers :D), but I recently decided to finally pop in Silent Hill: Origins and give it a playthrough (or two or three). It's officially the fifth game in the franchise, following the spin-off-turned-canon SH4: The Room, and acting as a prequel to the original game. As such, the plot ties into the details of the cult's original experiment which resulted in the transformation of Silent Hill into the nightmare town it is, and offers a little bit more detail about said cult and said experiment which was mercilessly obscure in the exposition of the first game.

The game's plot is split between the primary protagonist's own psychological problems, and his incidental encounter and subsequent meetings with Alessa Gillespie, cultleader Dahlia's daughter - the girl whose sacrifice turns hell loose on the tranquil lake resort town, and whose nightmares form the basis of the town's endless terrors ("when do we get to see into your sick little mind?" - be careful what you ask for...). The protagonist, Travis Grady, is a truck driver who happens to be driving by Silent Hill at entirely the wrong time (although you can be sure it's no coincidence). Travis has blocked out a particularly gruesome event in his childhood, involving his parents, which unsurprisingly, the haunted town is insistent on dredging up for him.

Gameplay-wise, Origins plays much like a traditional Silent Hill. The part of the town you get to explore is a little section just barely overlapping with that of the first game - with the familiar Alchemilla Hospital making another appearance (along with fan-favorite character Lisa the nurse). Other locations include a suitably creepy sanitarium, a cozy theatre (like for plays, not movies), and a motel.

Two aspects of the game that stand out are the mirrors and the melee weapons. Mirrors serve as the primary transportation module between Silent Hill and the "Otherworld", allowing you to choose when to move between the realms (although it's a pseudo-choice, since you have to go where the game leads you - but at least it gives you the feeling of controlling your passage; although not being in control is scary, knowing that you have to enter the Otherworld and that you have to be the one to take that step, willfully, is scary, too). The infamous siren that I so miss from the first game does return, but only to signal the end of each nightmare portion (after the boss battles, that is), and seems to correspond with Alessa waking up (hence the recession of nightmares) - at least I think that's what's going on.

On to the melee weapons. As a truck driver, Travis (apparently) has the strength to grapple with his demons in generally closer quarters than protagonists of the past. Although there are a variety of firearms available for the claustrophobic, the game is littered with all sorts of handheld items that can be used as weapons - from knives, scalpels, and hammers, to wooden planks, typewriters, and even drip stands (those things you find beside hospital beds)! All of these weapons are breakable after a certain amount of use (which usually isn't a whole lot), although the sheer number of them available pretty much ensures you'll never run out. Actually working up the courage to get up close to the demons, to conserve your all-important firearm ammo, is your problem, though :p. Although, some of those items (like the typewriters and portable TVs) can be tossed at the enemy, and actually pack a decent punch. And speaking of punches, you can actually fight the demons barehanded if you've got the guts!

Well, for my first run-through of the game, I did fine. Took me some time to adapt to the fighting, learning the demons' maneuvers, what type of weapons to use against which species of nightmare, and whatnot. I ended up losing a lot of health throughout the game, prompting me to actually get a bit worried in a couple places. What trouble I had with the regular demons was made up for, I guess, in the boss battles, which turned out to be relatively easy for me. To my surprise, the game apparently doesn't have difficulty levels, so it won't be getting any harder on subsequent run-throughs, as I had initially assumed, though. To my horror, two of the bosses returned later as regular run-of-the-mill demons! (Although, to be fair, the first "boss" was just a regular demon to begin with, if possibly a little stronger than average). The other bosses were pretty creepy, that's for sure. Especially "Daddy"...

Here are my summary stats for my first run-through:

Total enemies killed using melee weapons: 40
Total enemies killed using firearms: 56
Total enemies killed using fists: 83
Total items collected: 353
Number of map views: 486
Number of times saved: 37
Distance walked: 25.34
Total game time: 8:26:25
Total flashlight use time: 4:24:54
Number of game completions: 1

Eight and a half hours to beat it the first time. The "total enemies killed using fists" isn't as impressive as it sounds, when you take into account that only the final blow matters. When you hit a demon a few times, it falls to the ground. You can then "stomp" it to finish it off in a single hit, whether with a bullet, a melee weapon, or your boot (counts as "fists"). If you're too slow, it'll get back up and you'll have to hit it some more to knock it down again. So generally, I like to save ammo by shooting a demon down and then switching to fists to stomp on it.

Total items collected netted me a "Collector's Accolade" - I'm planning on earning some more accolades, then I'll probably come back and post an addendum discussing the "extras". 37 saves - as you can see, particularly the first time through a game, I'm a very cautious player. I'm also a very thorough player, which contributes to the number of items collected. I have to laugh that my highest rating is "number of map views". I'm surprised they even count that (there's an accolade related to it - so that's why). But yes, I check my map obsessive-compulsively. Practically every time I change rooms. And in the brief parts where I don't have a map (or when I enter a new area and before I pick up the map), I get stressed out because I can't visualize the overall architecture of the area I'm exploring. I actually said to myself at one point, "I feel nervous without a map". XD

I'm gonna end this on an interesting note. Origins has it's own Pyramid Head of sorts, in the form of The Butcher. He's basically a less distinctive Pyramid Head (i.e., without the signature pyramid head), who carries a huge butcher knife (though still considerably smaller than PH's Great Knife (though just as deadly)), and is rather more preoccupied with sadistically slicing through the flesh and bone of his victims than raping them (as PH is wont to do). So maybe not quite as distinctive a character as good ol' Pyramid Head, but still pretty intimidating. Although his presence in the game seems more secondary than primary, I understand he has some significance with regard to our protagonist's psychosis, but that's to be explored in the "bad" ending to the game, which I am currently pursuing. Ah, you gotta love Silent Hill, where the "bad" endings are often better than the "good" ones!

Hm, there was another issue I was going to address, but I guess I'll leave you hanging (on the meat hook?) until my followup. :p

Jodie Foster cosplays White Mage

I couldn't help but notice that the Moroccan dress Jodie Foster dons for much of the 1976 mystery/suspense/thriller The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane bears a striking resemblance to the iconic imagery of the white mage from the Final Fantasy franchise. Bearing in mind that the movie was released a full decade before the first Final Fantasy game, I think it's a pretty amusing coincidence. See for yourself:


See, she even has a scene where she gets to spar with what could only be described as a black mage! It's just too bad she never puts the hood up...

Titular Appellation

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, but I can't promise to stick to anything that doesn't hold enough interest for me to expend the effort on it. Okay, maybe that's unnecessarily harsh; it's just tough for me to sit down and write about the stuff on my mind every single day. I could say that it's either because nothing of note ever happens in my life, or that things haven't changed enough to really warrant commenting on (both of which are true, at least to some extent), but from an honest perspective, that would just be making excuses.

I could talk about everything that happened yesterday, and everything that happened in the past week, and everything that happened in the past month, but that's too much work. So I'll talk about what happened today. Though I might have to fill in some blanks.

I got a couple small packages (nothing compared to the big package I got a couple days ago) today. One of them is a CD I was expecting, and another was a DVD that I forgot I was expecting, even though I just ordered it recently, along with (though separate from) the CD. But it was a nice surprise to be reminded of it when it's already there at your doorstep. I have a very relaxed approach toward having things shipped to me. I trust the gears to turn, and I try not to get "package anxiety", where every single day you get your hopes up that the package will be there only to be disappointed again and again until it finally arrives. Let the chips fall where they may, and when it arrives, I'll be pleasantly surprised to see it. Not to call names or anything, but I have a friend, and I've been noticing lately that he seems to have a strong desire to know exactly where the package is at every step of the journey, and exactly when it's scheduled to arrive at the doorstep. Whatever his reasons are, to each his own.

So the CD was an album from 1968 called Living With The Animals by a band called Mother Earth. Somebody who read my Michael Bloomfield guide on Amazon.com emailed me and alerted me to the fact that Bloomfield plays guitar on at least one track on that album, so naturally I had to check it out. It's a pretty good album, with a pretty good strong-voiced female vocalist (Tracy Nelson) on a number of the tracks, and the title track Mother Earth, which clearly features Bloomfield's leads, is pretty smokin'. It's not something I'd probably have come across on my own, without knowing about Bloomfield's contribution, but I consider it a worthy addition to my album collection.

The DVD I got is a British exploitation film that I saw a trailer for in my latest Grindhouse Double Feature purchase, after which I was convinced that it was a film I had to see. The title is Virgin Witch, and I think that really tells you everything you need to know. I haven't watched it yet, but I can't wait. The reviews I read for it said it was a terrible film, which is really not surprising. Whether or not I'll like it remains to be seen, but I think it's safe to say that it's not gonna be a high-quality production. And that really irks me. Why can't an exploitation film that borders on softcore pornography be approached with a level of sophistication? It's like you have to sacrifice sex and nudity for professional merit or something.

That makes me think of a related issue that's been grazing my mind lately. There's a nudist forum that I've come to check regularly in the past couple months, and within it I recall reading over a discussion on how to increase public interest (or at least acceptance) for nudism by means of a wide-release "nudist film" - obviously, a film that promotes the wholesome values of nudism, and not what the sex-crazed perverts and religious prudes think that "nudist film" is really a codeword for.

Well, the opinion seems to be that the best way to go about it is to do a kind of film where the topic of nudism is broached, maybe tell a story of a person getting his friends into nudism, and the issues that come with learning about the lifestyle - that sort of thing. Personally, though it gets the job done of getting information out there, it just seems preachy and too documentary-like to me. My idea, though it may have less to do with "resort nudism" or "nudist etiquette", is just to do a normal film that has nothing to do with nudism, but have everyone in it spend as much time on screen naked as is practical. What better way to get across the message that being nude is a non-issue?

I think it would be a great idea anyway, but it's possible (probable) that society isn't ready for that yet. (insert irate tirade against society and how it oppresses me)

Whew, now that I've got that off my chest! Actually, there's another thing that I've been thinking for a long time, and I've wanted to talk about it, to someone - anyone - but I haven't really had the chance. So I'll do it here. It's about Nude Raider. You know, the nude cheat for Tomb Raider, that makes Lara Croft completely nude. Frankly, I don't see what the huge fuss is about it. The bottom line is, Nude Raider does in fact exist, but it's not popular among the company/loyal fanbase. On the one hand, Lara Croft has always been a sex symbol. Just because she's an empowered female character doesn't mean that she can't be sexy. (Let's not get into the issue of how twisted feminism has become here - I believe in the divine feminine, and I support goddess worship, but some people get the most twisted ideas about what sexuality is supposed to be about - a sexy woman is a strong woman, not an oppressed, misguided woman -- but I didn't want to get into this issue here...)

Anyway, I've always fantasized about guiding Lara through the tombs in naught but her backpack and gun holster (or even minus that). And, to be honest, with the amazing graphics (but unfortunately inferior gameplay) of the recent Tomb Raider Anniversary remake, I've gotten the chance to realize my dream. In fact, with the amazing amount of fan-driven customizability in Lara's texture mapping, I've even had the chance to transform Lara into a blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty, in addition to taking her clothes off! But my point is, just because I get a kick out of watching Lara run around naked, that doesn't mean I want her having sex with all the animals she comes across, or engaging in any number of other lewd and crude activities. But mention "Nude Raider", and the forces of the publicly-deemed "righteous" instantly label you a disgusting perv. Would it make any difference if I called it Nudist Raider?

And that's a serious point. Plenty of nudists enjoy so-called "freehiking". How is "free-tomb-raiding" any less meritorious? Nude Raider is not Sex Raider. Roaming the world in the nude doesn't have to be about getting a sexual thrill, it can be about getting a sensual thrill - the thrill of life, freedom, and the air on your body. And just because guiding a character isn't the same as experiencing the world yourself, it doesn't change the nature of the situation. I'm not gonna go into the issue of "fictional character empathy" and all that.

Maybe this is another reason why I can't get myself to write regularly. There're so many connected threads that I get going in one direction and then all these roads open up and I just can't stop. It becomes such a time-consuming and effort-expending experience that the next time I think about doing it, I decide that I can't afford it in my busy schedule of nothings, so I scrap the idea. I'm already getting tired of this entry, and I feel like I should move on to other things I have (have as in "have available", not as in "must") to do, and I haven't even talked about my experiment with body paint! And I haven't mentioned a stitch about Guild Wars, which, from the hikikomori's perspective, should be the central topic.

But if you really want to know every thought that goes through my head, then you'd have to be in my head, and I'm not currently open to sending out invitations.

And then of course, it always seems to come down to the existential point of "who cares?" What does it matter if I do this or not? In the end, it won't make a difference. So what's the point?

I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Plus, I'm a perfectionist, and that makes everything harder. Though I think I should exert less effort on perfecting these entries, since hardly anybody reads them anyway.

Journal 016

I'm happy to report that I've gotten into the habit of playing DDR semi-daily. It feels good to get a workout, and I'm happy about the thought of getting into better shape. I've gotten to the point where I can start off on Standard, as long as I choose the easier songs, to get warmed up. I have to say, HVAM is every bit as good as it was back in the day, and it really stands out because it gives you a good stream, without a lot of tricks - just a steady, fast-paced workout. And, sweating feels so much better when you don't have clothes on that'll just get soaked and cling to your body. Bouncing around without support can be a little 'interesting', but I haven't found it to be a problem. Although, sometimes it can distract you and become quite a different kind of problem...

Yesterday the weather was relatively mild, which I think I mentioned in the last entry. I was expecting it to be warm, since the temperature was supposedly in the 50's, overnight, and my brother was sort of freaking out about how nice it was, but when I went out to investigate, all I felt was a rather chill breeze. It was nice, compared to the snowy weather we've been having, but not exactly 'comfortable', in my opinion. Which is a shame, because glancing out the blinds on the front door, I was actually getting an excited urge to try something I've never done before. Something very risky, but that I want to do really bad. It's simple, and there really shouldn't be any problem about it, but that's just not the way this society is. All I want to do is take a walk around the block without any clothes on. That's all.

Well, I thought the temperature might be a bit more bearable if I was a little warmed up, so I played DDR for awhile, and when I started getting hot, I felt the mood take me. I wasn't about to do the block thing, since right after thinking that, I saw a car pull into a driveway up the street, but instead, I grabbed my bokken and put on my sandals (since I figured the extra protection would be a good idea for jumping around, as opposed to simply walking around the yard - I wouldn't want to come down hard on a stick or a particularly sharp rock, and ruin all my fun) and I went outside. For once, I ignored whatever insecurities I might have about somebody just happening to be up and glancing out a window to see me, and I started swinging that bokken around, practicing the things I was taught, and imagining myself cutting down invisible enemies left, right, front, and back. It felt great. It was good practice, and it totally boosted my enthusiasm.

If only this sort of thing could be more accepted. I wouldn't have to continue feeling like I have to hide. I went outside again tonight, after tiring myself at DDR. It's colder out tonight, but after getting heated up from a good workout, going outside is one way to cool off quick. And from another perspective, heating up first is a great way to get yourself prepared to go out when the weather's colder. I was too tired to do more bokken practice today, and besides, I wasn't planning on staying out that long, but I wandered around the yard a bit, and enjoyed myself. The ground was damp and a bit muddy, and rather cold. My feet got chilled pretty quick, but instead of running for shelter, I sucked it up, and was able to endure it for quite awhile. Walking through the damp grass and mud actually felt kind of nice, despite my general hatred for dirt of any kind. I went around front, to the porch, and sat down for a brief moment. Then I walked to the front corner of the yard, circled the hydrant, then walked the length of the yard, out on the street past the curb, till I got past the van (parked at the end of the driveway), at which point I re-entered the yard and went toward the back, and around, back inside. Just like I did once before, which I may or may not have mentioned in an entry a while back. I may have left muddy footprints on any part of the pavement I walked on, but I don't really care; it was totally worth it.

Switching gears somewhat, I'm kind of proud of the nude photo I shot today for my project. It was a planned out concept that I think works fairly well. Basically, it's a variation on the three wise monkeys (see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil), which works as a bold statement about the supposed indecency of exposure, and various ideas about censorship. If you can get past the silliness of the idea, it's actually pretty meaningful, I'd like to think. Honestly, I don't know if anyone reading this blog also follows my Daily Nudes project, but if you don't, yet you're interested in seeing this particular shot, I'll spare you the search and give you the link right here - warning: obviously not safe for work, unless you have a cool job :p - (http://www.flickr.com/photos/zharth/2311426357/). Of course, you'll have to be logged in and have the SafeSearch off to see it. And, as always, it's completely up to you if you want to check it out, or not.

More Fun Without Clothes

Today the weather was nice and warm, up into the 50's at least. It doesn't look like it'll last, even another day, but it was quite pleasurable to get even just a small taste of spring. I actually hadn't thought much about it, despite noticing the weather when we went out to dinner for yet another birthday celebration, but this evening, my brother came back, apparently from a walk, and informed me of the still-warm weather. It was still a bit early, but I went and checked it out. I was already undressed, and I just went out on the back porch, just outside the door, to gauge the temperature. There was a definite attractive feel to the spring-harbinging air, and it felt nice compared to the chill we've been having, but you know, it was still a bit chilly. The moon, heading towards full, was bright in the western sky, and the swatches of cloud were moving pretty quickly across the sky.

I went back in, then after awhile, I heard wind and rain. I checked again, and it was damp outside - probably better that I hadn't gone out for a walk earlier. The wind was pretty fierce for only a short moment, and I wanted to go right out, on the front porch, to experience it, but the motion-sensing light next door was flashing on and off - most likely due to the wind, but it was still too bad a sign for me to go right out. The light eventually stopped, which I take to mean that there's a decent chance somebody was up to shut it down. I waited a little bit, and it stayed dark, and then I just couldn't stay inside anymore. But I grabbed a dark blanket from my room to cover myself to be extra cautious. It's about the right size to cover me down to about my knees, when wrapped around my shoulders. It's quicker than putting on the ritual cloak, and it's also not as thick and doesn't cover as much, so it lets you feel a little bit more naked than having the huge ritual cloak wrapped around you. It's wooly, so it's pretty good for warmth, but also bad for generating my arch-nemesis, static electricity.

Anyway, I went out onto the porch, and things stayed pretty dark and quiet, so I was happy. My feet got wet right away, even just stepping onto the porch mat, but I was expecting that. I stood for awhile, taking in the atmosphere, as the wind and rain fluctuated, but generally stayed fairly calm. A couple times I stepped toward the edge of the porch, to the end of the overhang, and stuck my leg out to determine the rainfall, which I could hear, but was actually pretty light. I started getting ideas about going out into it, just for a moment. Definitely too cold for anything substantial, but looking at the few remaining patches of snow on the lawn that hadn't yet been disintegrated by the rain, I was possessed by the desire to step in one.

I've always wanted to dive into a snowdrift while naked, but as of yet I've been deterred by the thought of how cold that would be. This would at least be a small step in that direction. My feet were already pretty cold, but keeping them in the same spot on the porch mat kept them manageable. Stepping out toward the edge of the porch, the ground was colder. But I figured it wasn't too cold that I couldn't do it, even though the only snow patch large enough to step in completely was out and down the steps in the middle of the front yard, and then across the driveway, next to the basketball hoop. I knew that stepping into the snow would be really cold, but I judged that I could handle it.

A couple months ago, around Yule, I made a complete circuit around the house on a couple different nights, when the mood struck me, despite the cold. It was a chance to get outside, and going completely around the house made it significant, but it was quick enough that I could get back inside and warm up before I began to freeze. The one thing I remember most, though, is that with the ground as cold as it was (though without any snowfall), my feet got absolutely frigid by the time I made it all the way around the house. But in light of those experiences, I knew that I could handle this one - stepping into the snow.

My first instinct was to drop the blanket I had wrapped around me (well, hang it on the door knob perhaps, so it wouldn't get wet and dirty lying on the ground), so I could do it completely naked, but I was too cautious to do that. I didn't want it to get wet, but I figured the rainfall was light enough that it wouldn't be significant. So I went for it, with the blanket wrapped around me. I made the route out to the remaining snow patches, on the other side of the driveway. Stepping into the snow, it actually didn't feel too cold at first. I stomped around for a few seconds before the cold started to sink in - and it was cold! But not too cold that I couldn't keep my calm. So I considered myself victorious, and headed back to the porch. Now that my feet were freezing, I thought it was a good time to go in.

Back inside, I climbed up the steps, on my hands and knees, since I didn't really have anything to wipe my feet off with, other than the mat in front of the door. I crawled into the bathroom, and rinsed my feet off. One thing I've discovered from my experiences walking around barefoot outside, is that coming in and rinsing them off (especially with warm water when it's cold), feels great. In addition to the warmth, it makes them soft and smooth, which feels good on the carpet, just like when you come out of the shower.

To switch topics, anyone who really knew me in college knows that I used to play DDR a lot. I'm not gonna go into the whole history of that here - that'll probably turn up in one of my College Memories sometime in the future. But I will mention that I thought it was a pretty lame game, like most people, before I really got into it. Even after getting into it, there's still an inherent lameness factor, but the bottom line is, not only is it a fun game that you can play both alone and with friends, but, best of all, it's a great excuse to get exercise, in a thoroughly entertaining fashion. Although I do enjoy walking, it doesn't exactly happen everyday, and a lot less during the cold months. Although I may or may not have better instincts or base statistics than other people, the fact of the matter is, I'm not in very good shape. For the past two years, most of my days have consisted of me sitting at the computer. All. Day. Long.

Now, I'm not real concerned about losing weight. I wouldn't mind if it happened, but even now, I'd say I have healthy proportions, and I wouldn't go out of my way to get any thinner. I don't really care about muscles, either. Again, I wouldn't mind having more strength, but it's never been all that important to me, and I wouldn't go too far out of my way to bulk up (weight-lifting has never seemed all that attractive to me). The one thing I am concerned about is having a healthy heart. Having endurance. Being able to exert myself physically over a period of time without exhausting myself prematurely. It seems rather pointless right now, since I don't really do anything like that, except for walking, so it seems like I don't really *need* to be in better shape. But I like the idea of doing those sort of things, sport-like things, just for the sake of fun - because it makes you feel good. Kind of hard to do things like toss a ball around when you're on your own, I guess, but there are still things you can do without a team.

Anyway, I always come back to the idea of playing DDR to keep me in shape, since it's fun, it's something I can do by myself, and it doesn't matter what the weather's like, either. Of course, I have yet to commit myself to any kind of regular regimen. But you know, it keeps coming up in my mind. Part of the problem is that there is that lameness factor to playing DDR, making me feel silly at the thought of being caught playing it - which, really, is rather ridiculous. I happen to have some dance pads left over from my college days, which I think still work at least relatively well, if not perfectly. Pads can be a pain, since they always seem to be breaking down and responding wrong, which really throws off your game. But you know what? If you're just playing for exercise, it doesn't really matter if you use pads, because the important thing isn't to get all the notes right, but just to get yourself moving, and the game provides a pattern for you to follow. I guess the only other real potential problem is the fact that playing DDR involves jumping around a bit, and that can cause structural stress in the floors, as well as potentially cause a lot of noise, thumping around at night. But I think it's at least worth another try.

Staying within the overall topic of this blog entry, I'll obviously have to try playing DDR in the nude. Not that it would be the first time. Actually, there was a marginally-related incident that I feel kind of bad about, in hindsight. One day back in college, two of my friends were playing DDR in our dorm room. Instead of playing, I went out for a little bit. If I recall correctly, it was because the weather was nice, and I had already decided to go out with my guitar for a bit before the sun set. Although that could have been another day. But for whatever reason I left, I came back later, only to enter the room and discover to my surprise two guys practically in their underwear, dancing about, playing the game. They were obviously only trying to keep cool, but you can imagine my surprise. And I feel bad about it, because I was judging them then just the way I fear people might judge me now. But then again, context is an important factor with these sorts of things.

One other physical activity I've considered doing nude is practicing kendo. Certainly, they put on a lot of armor, and if you're actually sparring with someone, it would be immensely dangerous. But I mean just on my own, practicing forms and such. I'd have started doing it a long time ago, if it were something I could do in the privacy of my room. But alas, the confined quarters (even considering the size of my room), make swinging a sword around quite unreasonable. There's always the backyard, but the problem I've had so far with practicing kendo where someone might see me (even if dressed), is that, based on my anxiety issues, I don't feel confident about going out and swinging my sword around. I feel like I'd stick out, and people, if they saw me, would naturally focus their attention on me and maybe want to ask me questions and watch me practice, and then there would be tons of pressure on me to act like I know what I'm doing, you know? Regardless of whether the reaction is positive or negative, that kind of attention makes me uncomfortable. Even in the dead of night, when I'd love to be confident enough to go out and practice without even wearing clothes, when the weather's nice, I still can't shake those anxieties about the slim chance that someone might be awake, and they might glance out their window, and see me. And under those conditions, it'd be even worse, because swinging around a sword at night is generally suspicious, and doing so naked is even more alarming and questionable.

At any rate, I thought about finding something special to wear, that would let me blend in with the shadows better, giving me more confidence to get out there and practice. You know, something vaguely ninja-like. Skin-tight, black, covering the arms and legs. If it helps me get out there, it'd be great, but I don't know how great I feel about ordering a unitard from some dance company. But I don't want some expensive, pop culture ninja get-up, either. Just something simple and effective.

Anyway, just some things I've been thinking about.

To Do List

Contrary to what you may believe, my schedule is just as busy as that of anyone who has a job or goes to school. The primary differences are just that 1) there are rarely any deadlines, and 2) most of the things I "have" to do are actually pretty agreeable tasks. In any case, I have a long list of things I'd like to accomplish, and despite their light nature, I do at times feel quite overwhelmed by them. The worst part is how I tend to avoid the most important tasks for the easiest ones.

Here's my current To Do List, more or less:

Video Games To Play

I recently (4, 5, 6? months ago or so) bought a bunch of classic Final Fantasy titles re-released for Playstation, as I was updating my old FF-related webpage, and it got me in the mood to dig up the old classics. As it turned out, I only had a chance to play FFIV and FFV before I got distracted and pulled away to other things. So I still have FFVI and Chrono Trigger to play through, which is something I want to make a point of doing sooner or later. Priority level for this task is pretty low, at this point, however.

I also got Silent Hill 4 for Christmas. I played through Silent Hill 3 last Halloween, so I'm on a break period before I'm ready to tackle another Silent Hill (you can only visit that town so often - too much and it'll tear your soul apart). So at this point it's just a matter of time, waiting for when I feel the call to return to that spooky resort lake town. Playing a Silent Hill title can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks, or longer, depending on how much I focus on the game - I usually tend to put in long hours, when possible, while I'm working on the game, putting all other tasks in the background. In contrast, the Final Fantasy games could easily take weeks, maybe even up to a month, depending on focus.

PC Games To Play

Never been much of a PC gamer - I've always been the console type. However, there are exceptions. I have two visual novels to play through. One - Fate Stay Night - I've spent a lot of time on. There are three (I believe) scenarios to the game and I've played through the main one. The only thing stopping me from the others is waiting on the translations. So sometime in the future when those are done I anticipate completing the game fully. The other game - Ever17 - I haven't even started yet, but it looks interesting, and it was recommended by a friend, so I'm looking forward to playing it, *sometime* when I get around to it.

In addition to those visual novels, there is always Doom - which will always be my favorite PC game (and one of the greatest games ever made). I started on a voyage to play through the Top 100 custom wads (user-designed levels) as voted by Doomworld.com, but only got through most of the second year (they're ranked as the best 10 from each year, spanning a decade) before I got, once again, distracted and pulled away to other things. I will go through all those wad's eventually - Doom has been with me since the beginning, and I've always come back to it again and again through the years. I suspect the time commitment for playing all those wads, some of which are full-on episodes (groups of 8-9 levels), or more, is pretty huge, but I'm not really in any hurry. I originally started playing through them to inspire me while I was working on designing my own Doom levels (another project that's been put on indefinite hold), but since that's not currently on my mind, neither are the wads.

Anime Series To Watch

I am greatly happy that my anime fandom hasn't died out after all these years. I still love watching anime, as much as I ever have, and it's exciting to be on the front lines, seeing some of the series while they're brand new. But I do have a list of series to plow through, and lately that list has been growing faster than it's been shrinking.

I just finished up Genshiken and Zetsubou, so it's nice to check those off the list, although now it looks like there's an alternate Zetsubou-related series (which I haven't started yet). I still have Bamboo Blade to follow, which I'm guessing is around the halfway point right now (unless it goes longer than the standard 24-26 episodes for a full series). In addition to that, I have a number of series waiting in the wings. Among the series my friend has recommended, that I have yet to dive into, is Hayate no Gotoku which, from what I can tell, goes beyond the 26 episode mark. Also, there are a couple series that I've downloaded in full, and have been waiting on plowing through, but haven't gotten around to yet. Namely, the Lodoss TV series, which I've been dying to see ever since being blown away by the original OAV series, and a series called Negima, which attracted me due to being based on a series written by the creator of Love Hina (a series I very much enjoyed), and the fact that it appears to be chock full of cute girls. What's more, there's also Chobits, a series that I've already seen, but since I re-downloaded it, I've been dying to watch it again, because Chii is so damn cute.

And, as if that wasn't enough, there's also the continuation of the Naruto series, which I'm anxious to catch up with. I made a Herculean effort to watch all the two hundred-some episodes of the first series, much of which consisted of dreaded fan-criticized 'filler' (not *that* bad, though). But even now, with the new series, there's already some 44 episodes or so out, and that's 44 episodes that I need to watch before I'm caught up to speed.

As you can see, I have a lot of anime to watch, meaning a lot of time to be wasted watching it. Priority level on most of it is relatively low, except that when I start a series, I like to finish it in a timely fashion. That, and I'd like to keep up on the current series as much as possible, just to 'stay in the game', so to speak.

Manga To Read

And yes, there is also manga for me to read. I've gotten into manga more and more ever since becoming an anime fan. As far as paper series (as opposed to digital stuff on my computer), I'm following Berserk as it comes out in English, volume by volume. I'm also in the middle of School Rumble, which means I don't want to neglect it, if possible. I'm wary of getting into new series, because of the time (and money) commitment they represent, but there are other series I'm interested in reading.

As for the digital stuff, I still have 11 volumes of Kenshin left to read, which has been sitting around for awhile. I'm keeping up with Claymore as it comes out, but that's just a short chapter a month, which is a very small time commitment, and very easy to stay on top of (and also a very good series). Additionally, I have a few Volume 1's from a few different series recommended by my friend that I've been hesitant to jump into because of the time commitment involved if I end up wanting to read more. There's also 51 chapters of Yotsubato, which I recently picked up.

Books To Read

My pile of books to read just keeps growing, and with every title added to the stack, my heart sinks deeper from the knowledge of the commitment involved. I'm in the middle of Dante's Divine Comedy, which, honestly, I started reading about a year ago. I made it through Inferno, and part-way through Purgatorio, before getting (chime in, kids) distracted and pulled away to other things. It's a bit hard to read, because, being an allegory, there's so much uninteresting placement of political and societal facts which bogs down the narrative. It's unfortunate, because, considering the subject, it hasn't shown itself to be as interesting a read as I was expecting. Still, I'm determined to finish it, rather than give up halfway through. But that's proving to be a tough task.

Once I'm finished with that, I have John Milton's Paradise Lost, of a similar theme, that I'd like to read through (I'm crossing my fingers that it's a smoother read than Dante). The whole idea of reading these books, besides my general interest in the topic of heaven and hell as a plot device (Christian mythology is fascinating as fiction, just not as reality), is to serve as inspiration for my own narrative I'm in the process of writing, about journeying through heaven and hell (more on that later). So I see these tasks as not only something I want to do, but something that might have an important influence on what might be my development as a writer - not that I have any lofty ambitions about being a writer, but I do have ideas that I would love to see published some day (in some form), and it would be a great step in the direction of becoming a real artist - someone who profits from his creative instincts. Therefore, the priority level on reading these is high (and yet I've put them off for nearly a year now...).

You might as well get used to right now the inverse relation between priority level and the order in which things get done.

Originally, I was reading through Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series when I took a break to start reading Dante - my mood was ripe for Dante, though in the long run it seems as though I should have just waited. I plowed through the first four books of the Wheel of Time with great interest, and I maintain my excitement to continue the series . . . eventually.

There's a handful of other books, including the ultimate edition of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, which I bought and intended to read years ago now; some other fantasy titles; and Roger Penrose's The Road To Reality - A Complete Guide To The Laws Of The Universe, a book that I doubt I even have the desire to read anymore. Oh, and there's The Illiad and The Odyssey, which I tried to read once a long time ago, but didn't get very far.

And, in the newcomer's corner, there's Clive Barker's Books of Blood, Volumes One To Three, which I just got for Christmas. I'm interested in reading that, and if I enjoy it, there's a good chance I'll pick up volumes 4-6, as well.

For most of those books, the priority is relatively low - no rush. But I have three titles whose priority exceeds even the 'heaven and hell' titles. About a month ago I picked up three self-helpish books on battling social anxiety. My expectations remain realistic, but I'm still hopeful that they might provide *some* information to help me overcome my obstacles and ultimately get out there and make something of my life. I've been waiting on reading them until after finishing up the massive Stones bio, since I've been reading it for awhile, and now that I'm finally finished with it, I think it's time. But for anyone expecting a magical instant transformation, I refer you to NHK Ni Youkoso.

DVD's To Watch

Leftover from Christmas, I still have both Crossroads Guitar Festivals to watch, as well as the majority of Millenium. Millenium is three seasons, and I have about 70 episodes left to watch, I think, at around 40 minutes an episode, I'd say. I've got into the habit of watching one episode at a time, instead of marathoning it. Generally, I'll watch an episode after dinner on the weekdays.

I also received a few more DVD's for my birthday. Included are 300 (worth it for the oracle scene alone), Sunshine (an interesting title that I'm looking forward to seeing - by the director of 28 Days Later), a triplet of classic Bill Murray titles (Stripes, Ghostbusters, and Groundhog Day - maybe I'll wait till February 2 to watch them!), and a groovy PBS hippie special.

Good stuff to keep me entertained for awhile. Though also to keep me away from the more important tasks...

Important Tasks (Creativity/Becoming An Artist):

First of all, becoming a musician. On the top of my list should be steady practice of the guitar, at least an hour a day average. Of course, I'm notoriously bad at practicing, so this is something that rarely happens, unfortunately. Also, the recording status on my album Clear As Mud has been frozen for something like a year. I lost faith in the recording process somewhere along the way, and I've only been drifting away from the project more and more day by day. I have a second album in mind that I was gonna work on after I finished the first, but needless to say, that one hasn't seen any attention, either. Pathetic, isnt' it?

I have a couple major stories I'm working on. One of them is Jabberwocky, which is tied in with the first original [instrumental] song I wrote on guitar. The story is about a young man who returns from a year of solitary meditation/training in the mountains, to find his home town in ruins, scorched to the ground by a vicious dragon he sees in a vision. He then goes on an epic quest to avenge his family, by first acquiring the skills necessary to conquer the Jabberwock, then finding the beast to finally seek requiem. But he runs into some obstacles on the way, and becomes rather side-tracked after succumbing to a spell inadvertently placed on him by a member of the enchanted race. So far, I've worked out a number of the details, but I've actually written very little of the story.

The other story I've been working on is called Ascension. It's meant to be part of a series, possibly a trilogy - inspired moreso by the structure than the content of Dante's Divine Comedy. The story begins with a soul's awakening in the afterlife. So far, most of the effort I've put in is on the first part of the journey, where the soul travels through hell, encountering all the worst tortures and demons on the way. His goal is to purify his spirit and escape the pits of hell, in an attempt at being redeemed. Ultimately, he'll travel through Purgatory and Heaven, and the long term story I'm planning will involve an overthrow of Heaven, if all goes well. There's a bit of a backstory that I've worked out partially, which serves to introduce the main demon lords of hell, who will serve an important role in the overthrow of Heaven and the war against God. Most of my work on the story so far has been designing the various territories of hell, which I've had great fun working on. To start off, I did a lot of interesting research on the mythos of hell in various cultures (although Christian ideas are most abundant), and used the different names and descriptions I came across to define the various territories of my hell.

There are other stories I've thought about, but I've put much less effort into them thus far, and they're not nearly as important to me as the two described above.

As for the gaming realm, seeing as I fantasized as a child about being a game designer of some sort, I have an idea which makes up the backbone of what I think could be a really cool old-school-style 2D console-type RPG (in other words, in the tradition of the Final Fantasy titles for Super Nintendo). The theme revolves around the conflict between nature and technology, as the story starts up a generation or two after a radical religious cult worshipping ancient dragons uses a magical artifact to bring those dragons to life, commanding them to utterly destroy the mechanical world of man, reducing civilization to a primitive form. The charm of the series is the different types of dragons you have to fight, and the Hunter's Guild which plays a major role in the gameplay. It's something of a labor of love, and I've put a lot of thought into it so far, but there's still so much left to work out. I don't know if it will ever become something, but I like to think that there's a chance. By the way, my title for it is "dragonfaith".

While that project hasn't progressed beyond the "thoughts on paper" stage, I *have* put some "falsifiable" effort into my Doom scenario. As I mentioned above, there are some Doom levels that I've planned out into a scenario, and some of which I've actually spent considerable time on designing - to a point that you can actually test them by playing through them! The scenario is based on the story of Berserk, with level design paying homage to a less known PC horror title, Realms of the Haunting. I call my scenario Realms of the Berserk. If you're not familiar with Doom, you'll probably need a crash course if you're interested in trying my levels. And I'd be happy to help you out if that's the case. If you are familiar with Doom, then hopefully you have an idea of what the modding community is about. If you know about zdoom, and you know what .wad files are, then feel free to have a go at my levels - http://zharth.tenjou.net/doom/rotb/index.html. There's also screenshots and more information about the levels on that page, in addition to downloads of the available levels.

I've been working on this thing for quite a long time. I had early demos of the garden, mausoleum, ravine, and living chasm levels even before I went to college. After college, there was a period when I exerted an incredible amount of effort over a couple of weeks to produce what's available now. There's no telling whether I'll ever finish this project, but I like to think, the longer it takes, the easier to use the programs get (at least I hope that's the case, sometimes they end up becoming even more complicated). Any way, only the future can tell.

Realms of the Berserk is my serious Doom project; I have another project I've put a little work into just for fun. The idea came upon me as a result of the paradoxical inequality in American culture between the treatment of violent material, and the treatment of sexual material. Since Doom is a game that is pretty much 100% violence, I thought it would be interesting to flip it over and transform all of that violence into sex. Instead of bloodthirsty demons, you have sexual deviants with an insatiable appetite for lust. Obviously, it would be very easy to write off a project like this as another case of a horny geek replacing all the sprites with pixellated nudity - like all of those people who give pornography a bad name. But no, that's not my style, so I've made an effort to make it interesting, and even tried to tweak the gameplay in very simple but fun ways. Of course, it's only a side project, so there's not much to show for it, and I doubt I have quite the skills necessary to pull (jerk?) it off (largely in the graphics department). Still, I think it's a fun idea to play around with.

Avoidance

Well, getting back to the task at hand, the problem you can clearly see is that the more something needs doing, the less inclined I am to do it. The problem is, when I see a task, I treat it not as something to do, but something to be done. Something to be checked off the list, to be taken off the stack. And so I tend to default toward the things that produce the best results. If I sit and practice guitar for an hour, it doesn't really feel like I got anything done. I don't feel like I'm any better of a guitarist than I was an hour ago. But if I watch a couple episodes of an anime series instead, then I can check those off my list, and I know I'm closer to the end of the series. Even when I was in school, and had multiple homework assignments, I tended to want to do the short and easy ones first. That way, I'd get them out of the way, instead of risking working for hours on a tough assignment, not finishing it, and feeling discouraged because I don't feel like I really accomplished anything in those hours.

There are other issues involved, I know. Altogether, it's very confusing to me, and I keep trying to put the pieces together, to figure out just why I defeat myself like this, by not doing the things that'll produce the more important results down the road apiece (sorry, that was an early Stones reference). And no matter how much I think about it, and acknowledge the problem, it doesn't seem to get any easier to remedy it. I just don't know how to do anything that's not natural to me, and so I keep on continuing the way I've always known how. I have to wonder if it's anything like what an addict goes through, who realizes the problems his addiction is putting him through, but can't seem to shake it no matter how he tries. Except I'm not really addicted to anything (except leisure...and comfort). It has to be a bad wiring in my brain. But how can it be fixed? Can it be fixed?

Girls

I'll admit I haven't had the best of luck or the most experience with girls in my life, but I have had some, and I'm thankful for that. There were a number of girls throughout my life that have made an impact on me, and I'd like to take a moment to discuss the most important ones.

Childhood

The first girl I ever remember making an impression on me was the girl that lived across the street from the house my family lived in during the majority of my childhood (pre-kindergarten) years. My memories of this stage of my life are admittedly vague, so I don't recall a lot of details. I'm pretty sure she had a brother, who we (my older brother and I) played with a lot in that neighborhood. I'm not sure, but I think the girl was actually a little older than me, closer to my brother's age. We didn't really have much of a connection, I think, other than just being neighbors that played together sometimes. I mean, I was pretty young at this point, but I do specifically remember having some kind of admiration for her. Maybe it was my very first crush. Although, as I've said, I was quite young at the time. My most vivid memory is when her family moved away from us. It was probably the saddest memory I have from that young an age. The day after she moved away, we woke up and looked out on the front porch, and on it the word "goodbye" was written in chalk. I recall crying very hard.

The Best Babysitter In The World

Also from my childhood days of living in that house, I remember our regular babysitter, Stacey, who lived just down the street. She was absolutely the coolest person in the universe. Every time she came over to watch us, it was an absolute blast. She loved to play videogames, and she'd always bring over some titles, or we'd rent some for the occasion. Thinking back on it, she was a total 80's chick, but that kind of thing didn't really make an impression on me at the time. I think I can honestly say that I loved her, but it wasn't really in a romantic way. Heh, I guess it's like the way you love God. Or something like that. It was a disappointment as we got older and saw her less and less, particularly after she moved farther away. But those evenings of playing video games with Stacey have to be among the greatest times I've had in my life.

Within The Family

I'm not sure at what age this happened, though it was fairly young, but I specifically remember having a crush on one of my cousins. Obviously, nothing ever came of it, albeit to my disappointment, but I remember lying about liking some early pop boy band just so I could hang out with her. I'm not a hundred percent certain, but I think she might have had really long hair at a young age.

Elementary School

Throughout elementary school, focusing on the later years when girls really started entering my consciousness in a significant way, there were two girls that impressed me. They were actually close friends who spent a lot of time hanging out together, and they were also two of the most popular girls in our grade - so naturally, I wasn't the only one thinking about them. The one was more the outgoing type, with a lot of style, and a certain amount of attitude. Basically the girl everyone wants. And the other was a lot shier, a bit of a more gentle beauty, with fairer skin and a softer voice. Of the two, I think I liked the shy girl better. Of course, considering who I am, I probably never once even so much as spoke in their direction. But I remember thinking that whether or not it was a good day depended on whether or not I had made any kind of contact (not necessarily physical) with a girl on any given day - any girl, really. (As a sidenote, I remember that later on, in high school, the outgoing girl ended up becoming the bad girl type, dating a lot of rebel-type guys, while the shy girl ended up getting serious with the smartest guy in our grade - he was an insufferably nice guy, but I always hated him for getting her, though I'm sure they deserved each other).

Ah, I just remembered another girl from elementary school that played a significant role in my life. She was tall, and probably had longer hair than average (though not necessarily really long), and she was a bit more playful than the rest. I remember, in the period before the kids really started thinking about dating, this one girl would sort of take on different boys, one at a time, to sort of be her pet. I pride myself on being one of her pets, although there wasn't a whole lot to it, besides getting more attention from a girl than I usually would. Which was a great thing.

Junior High

Junior High was a painfully awkward period of life. Once again, there were two girls that captured my attention. The one I liked more was the smart type - actually my rival in math class. The other one had really long, jet black hair. But I kind of lost interest in her when she got a buzz cut and went all punk/butch. As for the smart one, I remember two significant moments between us. One was at the end of the year, when I actually, for once, got up the nerve to ask her to sign my yearbook. We exchanged books, and returning them, we both shared a laugh after we realized we had both written something math-related. I guess it's not that much of a coincidence, in hindsight, but that didn't ruin the experience at the time. The other moment was at a school dance. You have to realize the effort it took me to actually go to the school dance. It's the kind of thing I'd fantasize about when I was at home alone on Saturday nights. But this one, I actually worked up the nerve to show up at. It was a Halloween dance, so I put on a cape and I may have put a colored streak in my hair. It was a hell of an experience, although nothing really great happened, except at the very end. The dance kind of ended a little earlier than I had told my dad to pick me up, so I was sort of hanging around as the adults and the student helpers tore things down. The smart girl was there as one of the helpers, and we were sitting on a table as things were winding down, and she mistook me for being one of the helpers since I was still around, and she made some comment about us doing a good job, and slapped me on the back, in that camaraderie kind of way. God, it's not much, is it? But to me, it was everything.

High School

High School is where things finally started to get interesting for me in the romance department. I had spent my whole life as a loner, lamenting my position outside of the social circle, believing that that was just my place and that it would never change. But then I watched Evangelion in a one-stop marathon, and it blew my mind. At the climax, mirroring Shinji's breakthrough, I discovered that what was actually important in life was people - specifically, *other* people. So from that point on, I started actually making a conscious effort to try to score some companionship (granted, in my terms, that doesn't necessarily mean much). That was in the fall, and the following spring, I met a girl online. It's kind of pathetic, but for me, I suppose it couldn't have happened any other way. The internet was the best place for me to meet someone and start to actually make an interpersonal connection - in a largely impersonal arena. We seemed pretty compatible at first, and we chatted regularly for awhile before we finally realized that we both wanted to be a couple, so that's what we did. I was 17 years old at the time (she was 15), and she's the one that awakened my sexuality. In the past, I had understood that looking at pretty girls felt good, but I didn't really 'get' what it was all about until, with her encouragement, I discovered the secret. I have to say, she was quite perverted. We had a lot of cyber-sex and played a lot of erotic cyber-games. It was fun, and it was the first time in my life I actually had someone that I could consider a romantic partner. Somebody who actually admitted to loving me. It was an amazing feeling. The relationship only lasted three months before she went on a vacation to Europe, and for some reason decided to end it before she left. I cried really freaking hard that night, but then the tears were gone, and the sadness was mostly behind me, only to be replaced by anger. She later told me that she was planning on resuming our relationship when she returned (it was only like a two week trip or something), but by that time, I had said some pretty mean things, since I was so pissed at her, and well, things ended kind of messily. I was ready to move on, though.

The One

Then the most amazing thing in my life happened. 1) I fell in love with a girl, 2) I actually mustered the courage to show her my affections, and 3) she actually returned my feelings sincerely! She was a girl I'd known from Junior High, but had never been real close to until senior year of high school, when things just sort of blossomed. It started on a field trip with the Japanese class (to an outdoor taiko concert in the city, actually). There were sparks, but I was still pretty timid. When Christmas rolled around, knowing that she considered herself to be a witch, I spied a deck of Tarot cards during my shopping that I knew she would love, so I picked it up. The difficult part was actually giving her the gift. Last day of classes before break, I was agonizing like crazy during that last period, almost dying from anxiety. Should I head to her locker after this class and give her the gift, or should I just forget it and go home? It was a back and forth battle. For once in my life, I did the right thing. I found her and gave her the gift. We got to talking, and she invited me to a New Years Party with her friends. The next day, she called to confirm details, and we ended up making plans to meet that night. It was magical, though still very innocent and repressed. Next day, we went to see a movie. Another of the most agonizingly anxious moments of my life. I had the urge to put my arm around her shoulders, you know, like the cool guys do in all those movies. But at this point, despite all the signals, I wasn't even sure if she was actually available. Halfway through the movie, I just did it. It was another one of the greatest moves of my life. Later that night, we shared a passionate kiss - my first. Then, just like that, it was Christmas.

We had to be separated for a few days, to spend time with our separate families. But the night before Christmas, I couldn't sleep at all. A strange idea started formulating in my head. I knew it was downright insane, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew - just knew - that I had to do it. I got out of bed, like 3 or 4 in the morning, took a shower, and then, before dawn, I drove over to her house. I remember seeing the light snow falling in the glow of the van's headlights. I got to the house and I parked out front. It was freezing, and it was really early. I turned the heat up high and I figured I'd wait till they got up. You see, I didn't have much of a plan at that point, I just knew that it was Christmas morning, and I had to see her. Before too long, the car battery gave out. I guess I should have kept it running. At that point I knew there was no turning back. The only way to get home would be to get help, so I knew it was just a matter of waiting till they got up. My bones were being chilled to ice.

Finally, around 6am-ish, I couldn't take it anymore. I went up to the door and rang the bell. I felt bad about waking them up, but they said they were just about to get up, anway, though I can't know for sure that they weren't just being polite in saying that. Anyway, I had a problem, and I needed help, and they knew who I was, so they were very welcoming. I had a cup of coffee to warm myself up (I wasn't in a position to be picky), I even got an impromptu gift (a cinnamon candle which I still have and burn every once in awhile), and most importantly, I got to see the girl of my heart on Christmas morning. After getting a jump, I headed on my way, in the brightest of spirits, to join my own family for Christmas. It was insane, but I don't regret it for an instant. Can you imagine any better Christmas gift? I can't.

So from there, things just got better and better. I confessed my love to her explicitly, and we got pretty serious after the New Years Eve party. Meaning the night of, as well as in the ensuing months. We went to the prom together, we graduated together, and we spent the summer in love. Then she moved to the west coast for college. We continued the relationship mostly by phone. I flew out to visit her just after Christmas that year (my first ride in a commercial jet - and alone!), and the experience was mostly positive. We definitely had some good times. I came home after a week or so, and after that things started to go downhill. In the spring, tensions mounted, and during a particularly bothersome sickness, the whole thing stopped short. Later that summer, she showed up on my doorstep, and we started back up again. Another semester over the phone, then that holiday season, it was over for good. It was just not working out. But I was ready to move on.

Epilogue

Even though it's already been a couple years, the latest one is still too recent, and I don't necessarily feel like dredging up the painful memories that I'm still trying to heal from. Another time. If you're anxious, try reading my poetry or listening to some of my songs.