Sex as Vice

Seriously, stay away from H.
I just watched a German movie about heroin addiction (based on a true story, I hear) because it stars a really gorgeous young girl. It took me three hours to watch the two hour movie, on account of my constant pausing to take screen caps. I thought to myself, if I had an opportunity to interact with girls as gorgeous as this one more often in my everyday life, I might not be quite so compelled to save images of them when they turn up in movies - because I wouldn't be so desperate for that wonderful feeling I get from gazing at a pretty girl, that I'd feel the need to horde every instance of it that I come across. Then again, it might just be the photographer's impulse in me to capture beauty whenever I see it.

*snap*
It was a really great movie - I don't want the following rant to suggest otherwise. But during the (really graphic) scene where the girl and her boyfriend go through withdrawal, I thought to myself, why is it that this is the kind of scene I have to settle for if I want to watch a 14 year old girl writhing around in her underwear? [As an aside, why do I even need an excuse? Why can't a person admit that watching 14 year old girls writhing around in their underwear can be a pleasurable experience? Why doesn't anyone make films to satisfy that specific need? Or, more importantly, why is it that if somebody made such a movie, they'd probably end up in court or jail or on the gallows?] I could watch a "cleaner" movie that doesn't have the grim drug abuse angle, but I doubt such a movie would include the sexual aspect. Why is it that sex is married to vice? Whether it's drugs, violence (the best thing about the horror genre is gratuitous teenage sexuality, by the way), or just the darker side of sex itself - rape, prostitution, disease - it seems the only way to find anything more interesting than boring, married, under-the-sheets sex is to go underground.

Withdrawal is not pretty. Well, sometimes it is.
There are two issues at work here, the combination of which is making my job as a writer exceedingly difficult. The one is the marriage of sex and vice, and the other is the issue of underage sexuality. I find that the first is amplified in cases involving the second. Underage sex is inherently a controversial topic, that nobody wants to be accused of promoting. Yet it happens. And so, people write stories about it. But it seems like instead of emphasizing the cases where the sex could be a positive experience, it's only acceptable to broach the subject if you paint it in darker colors. Adult sex may sometimes be a happy affair (even when it's not boring, married, under-the-sheets sex), but any serious exploration of underage sex has to associate itself with the seedy world of vice, or else nobody will accept it.

After all, good kids don't have sex, right?
The reason this bothers me is that I don't like the assumption that if I'm attracted to a girl who is only 14 years old, that automatically means that I also want to get her hooked on heroin, and involved in prostitution, and god knows what else. The truth is, she's gorgeous - can you deny that? And if I could be her friend, I'd support her and admire her and I would do everything I could to keep her from going down the path of drug abuse and prostitution, or offer my concern and devotion in the hope that it would help her find the strength to kick the habit. I'd love to see her living a happier life, without having to turn tricks on the street just to afford the next hit, watching her friends die one after another. At the same time, I still think she's attractive and while I don't condone engaging in indiscriminate, unprotected sex, I don't see a problem with acknowledging the sexual side of her nature (like admitting that she looks great in underwear, and even better out of it). It's the whole "sex as vice" attitude that automatically paints this as a dangerous thing. Whatever happened to responsible sexuality (no, I'm not talking about abstinence)? To me, the way I approach sexuality (which doesn't even have to involve sex), it's not a dangerous thing.

It's a beautiful thing.
The older I get, the more keenly aware I am of the prejudice against men who refuse to deny their attraction to girls under the age of majority - even those who are already sexually mature. But because I continue to find young girls attractive, I increasingly feel the need to make the point that there's nothing inherently sinister or criminal about such an attraction. I feel almost stupid having to defend myself on this count, because it's really quite natural the feelings I have, and very common ("18 and over" is a social construct, not a biological mandate). But, the way the world has been moving lately, you'd think it was a crime to admit a girl is sexually desirable if she's under 18 (I certainly get that feeling at times), unless you're strictly her age-peer. Perhaps through honesty we can eventually come to the point where we can separate positive sexuality from vice, so that sex can be seen as more than just a weapon the experienced use to exploit the innocent, or that the innocent wield naively, resulting in blind mutual destruction. For me, it's simply a celebration of life and pleasure and all things that are beautiful in this world. Unless you're a Puritan, where's the sin in that?

Pretty & Sexy

There are a lot of things in my mind that I'd love to discuss but I refrain from on account of avoiding controversy. Like, for example, the feminist implications of The Runaways' short career (specifically, the politics of sexuality as it relates to the different approaches to feminism). And I love controversy. But while I love to revel in it when it's produced by others, I'm more hesitant to produce it myself, because of the risk of attracting negative attention from others (something I'm not too fond of). And yet, a lot of what I do is already pretty controversial. You'd think I'd be immune to those fears by now.

The dilemma I face at this moment involves the potential (imagined?) conflict between my admiration of pretty girls, and my interest in the sensual, erotic side of life. And this has implications that go beyond me being afraid to add a pretty girl as a contact on flickr, for fear of scaring her away when (if) she finds out I am an erotic/nude photographer. This is the curse of every softcore pornographer - too tainted to charm the more sophisticated elements of society, yet too pure to be satisfied consorting with only the perverted bottomfeeders (I refer to this dilemma more generally as "The Unhappy Medium", which haunts my life). Here the impact of sex negativism can be felt clearly. If we had a healthy, positive attitude towards sex, then sensual individuals would more readily be judged based on their character, rather than on the simple fact that they embrace sensuality (as opposed to shunning and shaming it, as any decent person would do).

Maybe I am, once again, overreacting. My approach to sensuality is very clearly unique, and distinct from (and more sophisticated than) the usual, basic one that is most often assumed (that is, insensitive animal lust). And yet, from a glance or two - a first impression - how easy is that to glean? In fact, the "purest" and most "innocent" elements of society don't even make the distinction between tasteful sensuality and perverted filth - it's one and the same. Are these, then, people that I have no business associating with, in the first place? Ah yes, that's the easy answer. But what if they're pretty? What if they're beautiful? As an aesthetic artist, I cannot simply ignore such a thing. And the rarer and prettier the pearl, the stronger the desire to shine it. How does a nude photographer approach a pretty girl and ask her to pose for him (not necessarily nude)? While I'd enjoy taking sexy photographs of sexy girls, and pretty photographs of pretty girls, I want more than anything else to take sexy photographs of pretty girls.

On a related topic, I've been very interested in Lolita fashion lately (ever since the con). And I say "related" because any self-respecting Lolita would be appalled to find their fashion mentioned in the context of a post containing the word "sexy" in its title (barring the all-too-common ironic exceptions in the form of public denial). And no, I'm not backing out on my support of the tenet that Lolita fashion is nonsexual. In fact, it's the modesty that, perhaps in some twisted way, attracts me to it. (Not like that, jeez). But the issue comes up that some people might be offended by my interest in Lolita fashion, on account of the fact that I actually thought Nabokov's Lolita (in no way affiliated with the fashion, except in name only) was a brilliant - and even partly sexy - novel. And the fact that, while I don't exactly broadcast it (at least not in direct terms), I'm not actually offended by animated lolicon. (And if you don't know what that means, you probably don't want to). Or even just the simple fact that I am a man, and thus my interest in women's fashion is suspect (of perverted motives), by default (because if a man has an interest in girly things, it must be because he gets a sick sexual thrill out of it (by the way, are there any healthy sexual thrills?), and not because he might actually identify with girly things (then again, a man who identifies with girly things is abnormal anyway)). Yes, I am a pervert, and I am not ashamed to admit it, but not everything I do is perverted. I'm capable of keeping separate things separate, I'm just not so certain that others are capable of seeing it that way.

Even so, the question of attraction comes up. Are [heterosexual] males normally attracted to prettiness in girls? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think so. Are they sexually attracted to prettiness, or is that a different aspect of the attraction? Regardless, it is an aspect of the overall attraction. So why should pretty things not be sexual? Not to say that we should eliminate the line between them - pretty is pretty and sexy is sexy and they each have a distinct appeal. But can they not be combined favorably in some instances? I would say certainly! Observe:


Meet sexy (Yoko), and pretty (Nia). Now certainly, pretty girls can be sexy, and sexy girls can be pretty, but the best girls are the ones who are sexy & pretty, simultaneously:


Chii is, in my opinion, the epitome of the pretty + sexy girl. Of course, some may argue that Chii is simply pretty + lots of exposed skin, and not the sexy archetype - which might well be true. But "sexy" means different things to different people, and exposed skin is sexy to me (very sexy), provided the skin being exposed belongs to a pretty girl. :3 I don't hate T&A, but the stereotypical way they are presented almost seems to me a "masculine" presentation of sexuality. I'm turned on by a more delicate, feminine presentation of sexuality. Which is why Chii's pretty face, beautiful hair, soft skin, and long legs (frequently bared), attract me more than the lumps on the front or back of her body (not that I don't like them, mind you). And her gentle personality completes the package, turning her into an object of love, not simply lust, for me.

We've been skirting around the very similar issue of cute vs. sexy, here, and I know someone who will certainly say that cute = sexy. There is truth to that statement. I think, much like the feminine vs. "masculine" presentation of sexuality discussed above, it's a matter of taste. I've always been more attracted to cute features than outright "sexy" features. And, as it turns out, cuteness is more often associated with youthfulness, while sexiness is considered an "adult" trait. I believe that a lot of this has to do with social constructs - the fact that sex is an "adult" activity, and thus only adults are allowed to be sexy, and saying that a non-adult is sexy is politically incorrect - but it's also true that there is a physical quality to youthfulness that has a specific appeal, unrivaled by the appeals of age (subjectively speaking, at least).

The problem with saying that youthfulness is sexy, is that people will start asking, well, how young is too young? There is a too young, right? Right? All I can say about that is, different people have different preferences. And as long as we are talking about appreciating beauty (whether it's cuteness, prettiness, or sexiness), there's no logic behind labeling what sort of objects (I'm sorry, subjects) are allowed (or ought) to be appreciated, and which aren't. Aesthetic admiration is an involuntary emotional reaction, and policing it means putting restriction on thought - especially spontaneous thought that can't really be controlled. Not only is this a gross miscarriage of justice and basic liberty, but, thankfully, it's impossible to enforce (at least for the time being).

Where I'm going with this is, I don't see any point in punishing somebody for admiring beauty in another person. When I look at a pretty girl on flickr who places a clear statement against "perverts" in her profile, it makes me feel bad for being a sensual being that happens to find her to be attractive. Again, maybe I don't fit that profile of the run-of-the-mill "pervert", but I'm not exactly Mother Mary, either. This is exactly like the old pseudo-feminist ploy of trying to convince the world that when a man finds a woman attractive, it's a form of rape. Hopefully, anyone with reason will agree that this is ridiculous, but it doesn't eliminate the conflict between the sexually "tainted" and the attractively "pure". And when I say that, I don't mean that these girls are attractive because they're "pure" (I don't define real purity based on sexual experience), but that they happen to be attractive and "pure", thus making that attraction some kind of assault against their "purity".

So I'm probably making a big deal about this, but the bottom line is that I don't want to feel guilty for thinking a girl is pretty. There are sexy things in life that I enjoy, and there are pretty things in life that I enjoy, and I don't want to feel like I can't enjoy them both, whether combined or separate (as the individual occasion merits). Yet I don't want to offend the sensibilities of one or the other. Of course, if I was not suffering from social anxiety, I could just send this girl (who is old enough to drink, and is married, by the way) a friendly flickr mail, proving that I am a gentleman and not just another of the countless creepy perverts that are allegedly out there, and then wait for a response instead of agonizing over how I might be judged, and assuming the worst case scenario. But then, you wouldn't have gotten the chance to read this post about my winding thoughts regarding aesthetics and sexual politics. You see, I suffer for you!

(On the other hand, I like talking about pretty girls, because it makes me feel good inside. Almost as good as when I get to look at them. Have another picture of Chii:)

Journal 014

Seriously, where did three days go?

Story time!

I learned how to add notes to photos in flickr today. Not that there's much to learn, although it was being buggy in Opera, so I ended up doing it in IE to make sure it would work right. But it's the first time I've ever actually added notes to a photo. Today's nude is a little more mundane than average, I think, but there's a neat little trick to it that wasn't actually inspired by, but perfectly mirrors in hindsight, the gimmick on the cover of Pink Floyd's experimental double album Ummagumma. I wonder how many of the few people that even see the photo will get the connection... I figured it was best to leave it a mystery and let the knowledgeable figure it out for themselves.

I know I already said that I didn't care /what/ people did as a result of seeing my nude photos, as long as it doesn't bother me - and I stand by that - but still, I'd like to hope that in the long run, my work receives more interest from artists, and actual nudists, than perverts. Not that I have a particular problem with the perverts, but it's just not the kind of people I'm looking to have a connection with. Hell, I'd love it if even just a woman got a kick out of my photos, regardless of intentions, but as far as I know (and I could be wrong), women, on average, aren't nearly as interested in seeing men naked as (straight) men are in seeing women naked. So where does that leave me? If you see naked men on the internet, what's your first assumption?

I'm 100% straight, and I'll admit I have homophobic tendencies. Though I'm straight, I'm not narrow-minded; I have no problem with other people who choose different ways to live their lives. What I /do/ have a problem with is largely a matter of image. The superficial argument goes something like this: I have enough trouble meeting girls as it is, I can't afford to let anyone have even the slightest doubt about my orientation. Then again, if you think about how much girls fawn over the gay guy, it seems like it'd be a nice way to weasel their affections, and in this bi-curious modern era, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to "suddenly" expand your horizons, fulfilling your girlfriends' forbidden dreams, which is secretly what you were trying to do in the first place!

Well, I'm not deceptive enough to try a thing like that. But furthermore, there is a more fundamental problem I have with the idea of guy-on-guy relations. Again, I make it a point not to judge others based on my own beliefs and opinions, but that sort of thing just isn't for me. Sure, I have no problem with the idea of girl-on-girl relations, but before you call me a hypocrite - the important point here is that I love women, and that I don't love men. So as long as the subject of loving is women, I'm happy, regardless of who's giving the love, and if the subject becomes men, then I'm hightailing it out of there.

Now, once upon a time, an interesting question was raised by someone in my presence. If you find yourself sexy, does that make you gay (or bi, I suppose)? My immediate answer to the question was no, of course not, that's something completely different. And that's precisely what I believe. I'll admit it, I have narcissistic tendencies. Some people dread looking at their reflection in the mirror. You know what? I actually enjoy having mirrors sitting around my room, so I can look at myself every time I cross the room and whatnot. Especially when I'm naked. I find myself to be fairly sexy. Does that mean I'm attracted to guys? No way. It's just completely different when it's yourself. When I look in the mirror, oddly, I don't see a guy, I see me.

On the one hand, I feel like this is something that's kind of hard to explain. On the other hand, I suspect that maybe other people understand and perhaps experience it themselves more than I might expect. At any rate, the bottom line is that I can enjoy looking at pictures of myself nude, but I have very little interest in looking at pictures of any other guy nude - that "little" constituting my interest in a purely artistic representation of the male body, or certain nudist pictures where the focus isn't on the body specifically, but on the /idea/ of being nude, which I can sympathize with.

As far as I am concerned with people, which isn't a whole lot, I could do without them mostly. People make me very anxious, and I would live a much more peaceful and relaxed life without them. Granted, they're pretty much essential to living a full life in this day and age, and that anxiety is one of the things I'm trying to work against. But I'm doubtful about just how much I can fix. I have a great family, and at least one of my two brothers I'm pretty close with (even though it gets frustrating sometimes). I have a better friend than I could have ever predicted that I'd have, which is great, because without him, I'd probably be a full-blown shut-in, with no contact with people whatsoever, one of those hikikomori cases you hear about in the news (if you live in Japan, I guess).

So at this stage, although I like the idea of finding people to hang out with who share my interests (especially considering that the friend I mentioned above is currently living out-of-country), I'm pretty confident that the anxiety and effort of meeting and knowing those people wouldn't be worth it, and I have little motivation to add any new people into my life. Still, I'm always looking for a potential soulmate. Even if I sincerely doubt my chances of ever finding someone who could possibly meet my standards, I'm still not about to give up. And even though I don't even meet people, and I don't hang out with people, I'm still open to the idea that some day, some way, there /could/ be a person to fill that space that I'd love to have filled.

I guess it's kind of pathetic. I mean, what are the chances of me finding someone who is both an attractive female, /and/ shares my interests? If we talk about nudism alone, most of the vocal nudist population I've been exposed to is male, and middle-aged. And nudism is only one of the interests I have that is far out of the mainstream. I can't even find a way to live in this mainstream world, I certainly can't have anything to do with mainstream people. But it's hard to find radicals. First of all, they're a minority, so there's less of them. Plus, there're so many different kinds of radicals, it's impossible to find the type you want. You find the wrong type of radical, and yeah, they might be just as anti-mainstream as you are, but they might have wild beliefs and opinions that run drastically counter to your own. And that ain't gonna work. It's like the world is saying, "step into the mold, or fend for yourself." And I couldn't fit into the mold if I wanted to try.

Well, this has been interesting. I almost dread what a certain reader might say in response. We share a lot of the same ideas about things, but our philosophies diverge considerably at some point. I feel like he's trying to push me to adopt his outlook, and it's not going to happen. Then again, I reluctantly find myself trying to force him to see some of the things I see, and that's not going to happen, either. He chooses anger; I'm content to live with sadness. That's the difference between metal and blues, anyway. I don't care if everything sucks, it's still infinity times better than nothing. And just because there's no logic in god, that doesn't mean there isn't any logic in life, or love. Maybe it is all based on gut feelings, in the end. I feel enlightened because I'm not infected with god. Maybe he feels enlightened because he's not infected with life or love, beyond what's forced upon him. Still, even though I have no love lost for god, I wouldn't give up life or love for anything in the world. And that's who I am.

This is who we are.

The time is near.

790 days remaining.

Journal 008 (or The Candlelight Journal)

Feb 1, 2008 ~6:20 AM

Tonight has been very exciting. I am now writing this note by hand(!), and by candlelight. It is very romantic, indeed. There's just something appealing about the natural light of a flickering flame, that the ultra-bright coverage of an electric bulb just can't capture. It's organic, it's living, and it's a lot warmer, psychologically. Anyhow, the only time a candle can truly live up to its reputation is when the power goes out, as it did almost an hour ago, at 5:37 AM. No electric hums, no colored LED's, just quiet blackness interrupted only by a flickering flame.

I had just finished having a snack before the power went out. While I was sitting at the kitchen table, three times the light flickered - but even then, I didn't think they'd go all the way. I had just got up to my room when everything went black. It was quite chilling, as you could expect. But power outages are always so very thrilling, and I welcome them always. Lucky for me, I was standing right beside where I had my flashlight sitting - the kind with an electromagnet that never needs batteries (you just have to pump it up) - so there was a minimum of stumbling around in the dark for me.

Ironically, I had been lighting incense and candles earlier for my Imbolc rituals, so I was prepared to fire up my cinnamon candle for backup lighting. It was pretty neat taking it into the bathroom with me to brush my teeth. I grabbed my katana for defense, which I usually do in situations like this, when I get the sense something may be out of place (it's never serious, but better safe than sorry), although I was pretty confident the power outage was due to the weather conditions.

It rained steadily during the middle part of the night - though, looking out at the trees, which appear to have a coating of sleet (granted, it's hard to tell in the dark of night), it was probably more ice than rain. At 3AM, I tried to go out on the porch to commune while it was still raining. I had put on my ritual cloak, and my faerie amulet. As soon as I walked out the front door, even way under the roof of the porch, I was already stepping on wet ground. And it was cold, too. I laid down the towel and tried lighting a candle. I used the last two matches in the matchbook I brought with me, and they both died. I realized things weren't working out, so I took my ritual inside. At least it was nice to have the rain pouring soothingly onto the roof.

On an only vaguely related note, this may be a coincidence, but I discovered that keeping my door closed significantly helps to keep my room warmer than the rest of the house. I hope it's not just a coincidence.

Earlier today, I was playing with my bondage rope, and I think I finally worked out a pattern that avoids running through the crack of the ass - which, quite frankly, isn't my idea of welcome stimulation. And the rope I have is long enough to also tie off the ankles or, alternatively, the wrists (if I weren't practicing on myself) - and maybe even both if used efficiently!

Anyhow, while trying out my new pattern, I came up with an idea for a photo-op depicting a modernized version of the Eight of Swords tarot card, which I sympathize with. I would've jumped on it, but for the trouble with shooting myself. I keep finding myself wishing that I, at the very least, had a tripod to set up and steady my camera. Up until now, I've used a very ingenious, but very restricted, trick for shooting myself. It turns out that if I hang my camera sideways from the pullstring for the light, hanging in the center of my room, I can get the camera to point right at the door, perfect for a full-body shoot if I stand against that wall. As you can see, this is very restrictive. So I finally ended up buying a cheap (talkin' 5 bucks here) mini-tripod that I think will work with my digital camera, so I can see if it makes a significant difference.

(Uh-oh, police sirens!)

And I'm still pissed about the battery situation. Am I the only person who thinks the hassle of rechargeable batteries isn't worth the advantages? Alkaline batteries can only be used once, but they're ready when you need them. Maybe there are quicker chargers, but if I want to use my rechargeable batteries, I have to wait 8 hours, and by then, the inspiration/opportunity is long gone. Do I have to recharge my batteries every day, just so that they'll be ready when I need them, even if I don't use them for weeks at a time? Don't rechargeable batteries gradually wear down the more times you recharge them? Or am I mistaken, and are they immortal? I can't find anyone else who seems to have these problems, so I'm starting to feel like I'm doing something wrong.

That rant's just about killed my wrist, so I better wrap this up. I can't imagine what it was like before people replaced writing with typing - even though I was alive long enough to experience it. Writing has always been painful - physically in addition to anything else. And I just can't write as fast as I think - so I push myself to write faster and faster, and I just strain the muscles in my hand more and more...

Well, my last point is that it is now February, so the RPM Challenge is on. I start working on my project tomorrow! I'm registered under the name "Eight of Swords". For inspiration, I put on my ambient station on Pandora - which I haven't listened to in a long time. Good stuff. I'll probably listen to it a lot this month to keep my mind in the zone, and constantly hearing new stuff, getting new ideas. I hope my project turns out well.

Well, it's quiet now - very quiet. I hope the power comes on eventually, or else I won't have the distortion and feedback I need. But it could be hours. Not much left to do, so I should go to bed. For once, I'll enjoy a natural sleep with no lights at all (except the dim light that'll creep through the blankets as the daylight grows), and no sounds to disturb me (especially not the super loud fan on the computer!). I just hope I don't oversleep, without having the alarm set. If the power does come back on before I wake up, it'll probably wake me up then I can settle things before drifting back to sleep. For now, I'm not gonna worry about it. I'll just enjoy the rare electronic solitude. And so, I will now blow out the candle and crawl under the warm covers of my bed. Good night!

Nudism, Sexuality, and Society

Disclaimer: It is not my intention in this post to develop or propagate any stereotypes about nudists. These are merely observations I have made in my limited experience. Keep in mind that nudists are just like everyone else - we come in all shapes, sizes, colors and patterns.

I've been looking up quite a bit of stuff on nudism the past few days - including reading through some discussions on hot topics within the community. I have to admit, while I still maintain the importance of separating nudity from sexuality, I'm getting the feeling that I can at least see where my brother is coming from in terms of nudists having a conservative knee-jerk reaction to issues of sexuality. Obviously, my experiences are limited to reading the opinions of nudists on the internet from the comfort of my chair at home, but the condemnation I'm seeing of any connections whatsoever between eroticism and nudism do feel to me to be somewhat excessive. It's a tricky issue, because there are all sorts of legal implications to the portrayal of nudists within mainstream society, but I do feel that there are people out there that are being way too stuffy for their own ultimate good.

Small example: the issue of erections. I don't know specifically how it's dealt with 'on location', but some of the opinions I'm reading seem to suggest that there are nudists who believe that the mere sight of an erection is an affront to their sensibilities. Now, I understand that there is a level of conscious control involved, but there are times when things just happen to pop up. Obviously, discretion is a respectable solution, but I feel like having to run and hide, like as if the erection was inherently an insult to the public, or even intended as such, is a little extreme. Now, if someone is actively "encouraging" the erection, then you're dealing with a whole new issue - an issue that I would agree is best relegated to a private moment. But if it's just an innocent happenstance, or even an uncontrolled reaction to the environment, I don't see the offense.

For those who are concerned, lest you get the wrong impression, many people have said that this is much less of an issue than it is often made out to be.

Another discussion I enjoyed reading through was on the topic of nude photography, and how (or whether) it relates to pornography. Most nudists in the discussion had the expected opinion that innocent nudist photography has nothing to do with pornography - that it's not any different than regular family photography, since the nudity doesn't serve any kind of sexual function. I'm in agreement on that. But I sensed a sort of disdain for nude photography that does serve a sexual function, which most people would classify as pornography. Now, a question I feel like I want to ask, is this: Can a photograph of a sexual act ever be considered not pornographic?

This is an incredibly complicated issue, compounded by the matter of defining the term pornography. And I don't really feel like getting into all of that at this time. But the bottom line, for me, is that when it comes to pornography, or what many people would consider pornography, there's trash, and there's gold. Ultimately, it's a matter of taste, but what appeals to my taste appeals to my aesthetic sense of beauty, and that's something that has a certain amount of worth to me, even if the subject matter is sexual in nature. Sex can be as beautiful as it can be dirty. So while a lot of the nudists in this particular discussion seemed to carry an unspoken view against the merits of pornography in any context, my view is that a photograph taken of a sexual subject can be every bit as pure as a photograph of a nude person enjoying innocent, non-sexual recreation, or of a clothed person doing the same, or anything else. Granted, the topic of sex is not necessarily appropriate anywhere and everywhere, or in discussions with just anyone, but that does not mean that it is something to be ashamed of. Isn't that the case with nudity, for a lot of nudists that haven't "come out"? They don't feel comfortable talking about it with just anyone, but they respect the lifestyle just the same. Shouldn't sexuality be considered just as pure as nudity then? More on that disparity later.

That's pretty much the point I wanted to make on that topic. Another interesting issue brought up in the thread was that of sharing nude photographs. Most of the nudists in that discussion expressed general comfortability with being photographed in the nude (in a non-sexual context), but with a decided reservation about who would get to see those photos. I understand my feelings on the issue are a little more liberal than the norm, and I can respect their concerns. Many nudists do have a reputation to uphold - although that's something that I personally don't like the idea of, having to hide oneself. I feel like one of the ideas of nudism is being yourself and shedding the masks and deceptions of clothes that you wear in society. But unlike me, most people do value their position in society, and simply can't risk the implications of being labeled a nudist, particularly in a society with many unfortunate and negative misconceptions about people that take pleasure in being nude.

One person used a phrase that sums up my feelings on the issue of being seen nude quite well. The idea is this: just because you see me, doesn't mean you have me. One of the most pervasive arguments against the sharing of nude photos of oneself with strangers, particularly on the internet, is the fear of what strangers might do with those photos. I think the implications are clear, but I have to ask, just what are these people afraid that someone is going to do? Honestly, how does it hurt you if some creep gets off to a nude photo of you? My feeling is that if somebody finds me attractive, then I'd be happy to indulge them, as long as it doesn't inconvenience me. Now, I enjoy taking nude photographs of myself, and sometimes in sexually suggestive poses. If somebody is interested in seeing those pictures, why should I keep them to myself? As long as they don't do something like stalk me or hound me for more photos or something like that, then what harm is it?

Obviously, that's a real concern. There are freaks out there, and plenty that wouldn't be below (above?) inconveniencing you if they think you've got something they want. And that's a risk. But my view of humanity is one of peace and love. I believe that people should be respectful to one another. Am I being far too idealistic? Probably. But I refuse to live a life consumed by terror. I believe that if you conduct yourself in a way that allows you to respect yourself, while treating other people the way you want to be treated, then you're being true to yourself, and hopefully, the bad seeds in your life will be displaced by the good ones (I'm talking about people - friends and such). In any case, we do live in a society, and there are always measures if things get drastic. But again, it's a matter of standing up to your detractors and showing them that you're free to be who you want to be. I've lived my life in fear, hiding behind a shell, and I'm sick of it. I'm still working on breaking free, and this is an important step in that direction. But when I see other people building walls of protection around themselves - while I can sympathize - I can't help but feel a little sad at the thought of a person living in fear like that. But I guess that's part of what makes me, me. I just wish it were a marketable thing that I could exploit to make a living or at least just teach people, or something...


There is a criticism I hear used against nudism. If nudism is about loosening the boundaries of what is acceptable, and recognizing that the sight of a naked body is neither immoral, nor harmful, but a perfectly natural thing, that should be encouraged and not shunned, then how come nudists characteristically tend to be so uptight about sexuality? You could argue that where nudists draw the line against public sexuality, the rest of society merely draws their line against public nudity. So what makes the nudists' position any more right, or acceptable? Ultimately it comes down to a matter of taste, and it would seem that the nudists are outnumbered. Now, you could throw scientific facts and studies around, but it's hard to change a person's ingrained sense of what is decent and acceptable. You could argue until you're blue in the face that there's nothing wrong with eating sushi, and that it could even be good for you, but that's not always enough to make a reluctant person try sushi (and who's to say they should be forced to?). I mean, who knows, it could turn out that having sex in front of other people is a huge health benefit for everyone involved - but even if that were true, do you think everyone's going to immediately adopt that belief and start practicing it regularly?

It's not a foolproof case against nudism, but it does raise an important concern. As for me, I would love it if nudity were universally accepted, if the choice to go bare was granted as an inalienable right, but I'm not the kind of person to push my beliefs on other people, and I have to accept the fact that there are people for whom public, social, and/or casual nudity is not the way to go, and those beliefs should be respected, too. But the bottom line is, there should be places, communities, where these sorts of things are more acceptable, and places where they are less acceptable. You would think that there would be enough nudists to form communities like this. Not expensive resort destinations, or just limited areas like parks and beaches, but actual entire communities of people gathered together who have the same open ideas about this subject. In various price ranges and sizes and qualities. Are there? Maybe there are. Maybe in a different country. I just kind of wish they were more prevalent. Like, this is stretching it even further, but why aren't there year-round communities like that at Burning Man? Those people all go back to their federal and state jurisdictions, where the laws only differ so much from the rest of the country. You'd think they'd band together and form communities here and there. And you'd hope there'd be enough of them to form enough communities to be spread out.

I think what I'm getting at here is, why does there only seem to be one way to go through life? There's only one option for society. It's a monopoly. I guess moving out of the country is an option. But I mean, that takes a lot of effort and initiative, and probably money - sampling cultures until you find one that you like. If this is the land of freedom, then how come our standards and morals are dictated by an insensitive penal code, constructed for a majority, when we are but one person? I'm quite frustrated with it all.

Can you see why I don't believe in free will? I feel like I have no control whatsoever over how to live my life. Granted, a lot of that is due to psychological limitations, but you have to admit that being raised in a society like this, there are certain things that it's really hard to escape. What if you don't feel like paying taxes? Isn't there some kind of alternative? What if you don't agree with some of the petty laws on the codebooks? Do you have to go to jail just to prove your point? And don't talk to me about lobbying. You could argue with politicians your entire life and not get the results you want. And what if somebody else wants the opposite - isn't that always the case? You die with no results, having wasted your life away on a lost cause. Yeah, I'm bitter.

Maybe I'm spoiled, and maybe I'm a dreamer. But who's to say we should have to compromise? My body is a product of my environment, and my thoughts are a product of my mind. I'd like to think there's something more to what I'm saying than petty idealism... Wouldn't you?

Naturism vs. Nudism (or A Tale of Two Terms)

This seems to be an important topic, and people tend to use these terms in all different kinds of contexts, so I think it would be fruitful for me to declare just where my feelings stand on the two terms, so that when I use them, you'll know what I mean.

Frankly, I think both of these terms have merit, and there are situations where one or the other will be more suitable. On the other hand, I will tend to use them interchangeably, as the major point with either of them (in the usage I've been exposed to) is the practice of being nude.

Some naturists dislike the term nudism because of the stigma attached to it. I can understand this; on the other hand, I feel like it's shying away from the truth of the issue. There's no point in hiding the fact that we like to be nude. So call it nudism. We shouldn't just give up and hand that term over to our detractors. Instead of saying (explicitly or implicitly) that, "yeah, nudists are sexual deviants, but naturists are interested in a more wholesome form of nudity", we should take that term back and say, "yeah, we like to be nude, so what's wrong with that, huh?"

On the other hand, I like the term naturism because, in addition to the nudity, it implies a certain wholistic, natural approach to life, which parallels my own spiritual leanings, and acts as a way to align my beliefs about nudity with my beliefs about spirituality - which is a great way to emphasize that nudity for me is something very important to my being and existence, and not just a cheap thrill.

However, I've struggled with the term naturist, because I think there's an ambiguity in its pronunciation. I don't think I've actually ever heard anyone pronounce it out loud, but I looked it up once and found that the pronunciation was supposedly supposed to be naturist with a long 'a', like nature + ist. But when I look at the term, I see an alternative form of the word 'nature', like 'natural', in which the long 'a' becomes short. So when I see naturism, i think it should be pronounced with a short 'a', like as if it was natural - al + ist. So it kind of bugs me that it could go either way in my mind and I can't decide how I actually want to pronounce it. And when in doubt, I default to nudism, since I have no problem pronouncing that!

But really, that's a trivial matter. The stuff above is ultimately more important.

Update - Nude Photography

"If the pride of being able to show it off is enough for you, then go for it."

I went for it. I totally went for it. No holding back. It's one of those things in your life where it seems a little crazy, but you're so into it that you know, just know, you'll regret it if you chicken out. And that's not to say that it's a capricious decision. It's something that I've thought a lot about, and I've decided that it's absolutely something I want to do. And so, not doing it could only harm my sense of self-worth. If you can't do something you feel strongly about, then what's the point of life? We're all gonna end up in the same place eventually, so there's no reason not to take the detours that interest us, right? So there it is. I posted nude photos of myself on the internet.

God, it feels so dirty when I say it like that. But I don't feel dirty about it. Granted, I'm not exactly comfortable talking to certain people about it, since it's a topic obviously rife with countless possible misconceptions, but if I was thrown against the wall and had to defend myself, I'd feel nothing but pride and confidence in my actions. They say you should never post anything on the internet that you wouldn't feel comfortable being advertised on a billboard in your home town. But, though I'd probably have a lot of explaining to do, I think ultimately I would be proud to have any one of these photos posted for everyone I know to see. Of course, I would never force them in anyone's face, but I feel good about having them available to people who are interested.

My moral code echoes the Wiccan rede, "An it harm none, do as ye will". With an important emphasis on "none", indicating myself as well as others. Anyhow, I don't care who sees me nude or what they do with my nude photos (even if it's something lewd that I wouldn't personally condone) - as long as they don't bother me about it (key word being "bother"). Unfortunately, there are people out there that have a problem with that last part, and they make it hard for the rest of us. But I don't believe in living in constant fear (since it's something I've struggled against all my life). They say you should be the change you want to see in the world. I think that if I see a random hot girl on the street, I should be able to look at some nude pics she took of herself, because I know I'm responsible enough not to use them against her in any malicious manner. I realize that's quite a lot to ask, but in the meantime, to show that I'm sincere, if anybody decides that they want to see me nude, I say, have a ball. But don't think that you know me just because you've seen me.

They warn that you should never post compromising pictures of yourself on the internet, because 20 years from now, you might be running for Senate, and somebody will pull those pictures up, and it'll completely ruin your reputation. First of all, I have no intention of running for political office. But more importantly, these pictures are not something that I'm ashamed of, and they represent feelings and beliefs I have about life that are not independent of who I am and what I stand for. These aren't dirty sex photos; they are a celebration of youth and the human form, and the fun you can have with it. They're amateur, and you could easily argue that they were taken with the intent to arouse, but they were also framed by an artist's mind, and to me, sensuality and sexuality are aspects of life that can be just as tasteful and classy as they can be lewd and trashy - a concept that an uptight mind might have a hard time reconciling.

In 40 years from now, am I gonna regret showing myself off to "the world" as a nude 18 year old? I can't know for sure, but I can't imagine that I would. I'm really happy that I took those photos, because I think I look great, and I can already see a difference in my physique between when I was 18 and now when I'm 23. And that's a learning experience. Plus, it would have been a shame to have missed out on capturing the form of my body at that age. Additionally, posting these photos acts as a statement in and of itself. To the people that find out about them, I am saying: "look upon the nude, it is not shameful, and I am not ashamed of it. It is not a bad thing but a good thing, and it is not a sin to recognize it as such. It is not something that should be hidden by necessity from the eyes of the world, but something that should be embraced and respected, and exposed to the world." Nudity is a symbol of Truth, the act of revealing all and hiding nothing. And Truth is the one virtue I admire most. By baring my naked body to the world, I hope that I can make further steps in revealing my mind, heart, and spirit as well.

As a final note, I'm not expecting anyone I know or anyone that reads this blog to look at the photos. But I have no problem if you do. In fact, if you have constructive criticism, that would be great - but don't ruin the experience just because you don't agree with my philosophy on nudity. I made the photos public, since there was really no point not to, so it's pretty much out of my hands. They're out there, and anyone can see them. Except that there are certain limitations, since they're relatively explicit photos (relatively). They're up on my Flickr account, but they've been marked 'Restricted', to be on the safe side. You'll have to be a member and sign in in order to view them (by turning the safety filter off). That way, nobody's gonna come across them unexpectedly and be in for a rude awakening. If they make a point to see them, they'll know what they're in for, and if they happen upon them randomly, that means they've already got the safety filter off, so it's not like they're not used to viewing 'explicit' material.

So, ignore or enjoy, as you please!

43 Things

I happened upon this website called 43 Things, and I was intrigued by it. The idea is that you can create an account and then specify 43 things you'd like to accomplish in life. You can either choose things other people have already created, or you can create your own. You can also leave comments about your progress in accomplishing those goals, and help other people meet goals you've accomplished in the past. For me, it just seems like a great excuse to organize a bunch of my ideas about things I would love to do one day in my life (whether I realistically expect to do them or not). It's a great way to discover just what it is I'd really like to get out of life, and how I could make my life better by fulfilling my dreams. Here, I'll list the 43 things that I picked out, and describe the what or why of each one (and maybe how?).

I Want To...

...Live in a loft.

I think I've finally discovered what those apartments are called. I think they're called loft apartments - the kind that looks like a warehouse or some kind of studio, that's been re-dedicated to become a living space. You see it in movies sometimes, usually with artistic characters (although, I remember at least one with a scientific character). Typically there's like a cargo elevator that you have to take to get up to the apartment. The apartment itself is very open, with a high ceiling, and sometimes an upper level, and it's like all one big space without a lot of walls between rooms. I've never actually been in one. But ever since I started seeing them in movies, I've fantasized about living in one. It just seems like it would be such a cool place to live.

...Live in a lighthouse.

I've also fantasized about living in a lighthouse. Doesn't it sound romantic? Maybe only for a loner like me, but the idea of living in a tower by the sea, with a commanding view of sea and shore, is the stuff of dreams. No people to bother me, and my house is my job. Ideally, I'd love to run a radio station directly from the lighthouse, like the one character in John Carpenter's The Fog.

...Live on a lake.

Growing up, the annual family summer vacation was a visit to a resort lake town. We'd go to the beach sometimes, too, but the lake was every year. In fact, I went there every year without fail, until about 6 or 7 years ago, I think. I still wanna go back some day. At any rate, I've learned the pleasures of living on a lake. I can just imagine owning one of those nice lodges right next to the water, with a nice grassy yard, and trees all around, with a personal dock and a few boats for going out on the water. It's always more fun going to a store or restaurant when you get there by boat. It would be such a peaceful and relaxing existence...

...Own a beach house.

Alternatively, I wouldn't mind owning a beach house, either. One of those really nice and fancy ones, with a private beach. Boy, if that's not living the dream...

...Live in the Winchester Mystery House.

I know it's not really available for buying up and personally living in, but I still have a dream to live in that house one day. If you don't know the story, this is the house built by the heiress to the Winchester fortune. She was a little mentally unstable, so she actually held seances to decide how the house should be built. The result is a maddening example of unconventional architecture. Stairs leading to nowhere, doors that open to brick walls, secret passages, it's insane. And some people say it's haunted. Following in the footsteps of Jimmy Page with the Aleister Crowley mansion (Boleskine House, on the shores of Loch Ness), this is my dream house.

...Start a radio station.

I had a radio show in college, and it was one of the most enriching experiences of my life. I enjoyed it so much, getting to spread my music, and the things I had learned about it, to the people of the community (or at least the one or two who were tuned in). I'd love to be a radio dj again. In fact, I bought an FM Transmitter so I could sort of play the dj for a radio station localized completely within and around this house. But I have problems with the way commercial and big-name radio stations run things. You hear the same old boring songs over and over again, and you don't get that thrill of hearing something unfamiliar, or getting to know the dj's personal taste. I'd love to start a radio station of my own, throwing all of those useless conventions into the trash. I haven't yet warmed up to the idea of internet radio, but maybe that's ultimately the direction I'm gonna have to move in...

...Learn to play the blues.

This is something I've been meaning to do at least since I graduated college. I absolutely love the blues, and I feel the music resonates within my soul in a special way. I can really feel a good blues guitar solo, and one of the things I want most in life, is to be able to play a moving solo like that - improvised. So this is something I really want to work on. I've played guitar for at least 6 years now, but I really want to learn the stuff I need to be a real blues guitarist. I need to get lessons.

...Get better at guitar.

I'm completely self-taught, so far. I've dabbled in music theory, with scales and chord patterns and such, but I haven't really gotten a firm hold of any of that. Basically, my current style of playing guitar is wildly anarchic. It's more noise than music. I love it, and it can be quite a mind-expanding experience, but I also want to be able to play better conventionally. Songs and solos and stuff. The kind of thing I originally picked up the guitar for. So that maybe I could actually play in a band.

...Be in a band.

I play guitar mostly on my own. I go to open stages sometimes and show off my ear-splitting style. But I've always wanted to be the guitarist in a band. I want to impress people with my playing, but I don't want to have to carry the whole show. And although I like singing enough to want to continue doing it here and there, for most songs I'd love to just sit back and play the music, letting somebody else focus on the vocals.

...Become a rockstar.

Honestly, I'd settle for being a bluesman playing in bars, but what I'd really love is to be a rockstar. My ideal image of rock stardom? Jimmy Page. He's got the chops, he's got the style, he's got the occult mysticism fueling his persona of coolness. I can't imagine the experience of being a guitarist like that in a really good rock band, it must be amazing. And I wouldn't mind being chased by swarms of girls, either. This one's more 'dream' than 'goal'.

...Find my dream job.

Maybe I already know what it is, and it's just a matter of acquiring it. Like being a rock star, or a bluesman, or a radio dj. But I'm not completely sure. I don't like the idea of working in a job that I hate, just for the sake of making a living. I really want to enjoy my job, and I want it to be an enriching experience in my life. I'm not sure yet whether or not this is an attainable goal.

...Move out of my parents' house.

It's incredibly convenient living here. I don't have to pay rent. I don't have to pay for food. I don't have to pay for any sort of utilities. But it's not 'my place'. I want to live somewhere that feels like it's really mine. Where I'm not a guest, who has to always consider the burden he's placing on the person letting him stay there. I want to show that I can make it in the world, that I'm my own man, and that I'm out there. I feel like that would give me more freedom to actually be who I want to be. Maybe these are just convenient feelings, but I still think it's important to move out from under the roof of my family's shelter and protection. For them as much as for me.

...Be a ghost hunter.

I've been fascinated with ghosts for a long time. I don't actually believe in them, but I am curious, and I know the fear that can come over you when you're in the dark and you start thinking about strange possibilities. I've always wanted to actually visit a real haunted place, and try to find evidence of ghosts. Though a skeptic, I'm open to possibilities, and all this 'evidence' people have experienced - I'd like to experience some of it firsthand. Besides, it just seems like an exciting thing to do, going to a haunted location with some friends or cohorts, looking for evidence of the supernatural. Even if it was just taking pictures in a graveyard at night, I would love to try some sort of ghost hunting some day.

...Learn Kendo.

I've also been fascinated with swords and sword fighting from a young age. Swords have always been infinitely more interesting to me than any sort of guns. I've played around with toy swords plenty, but I'd like to learn some real skills. I actually did study a little bit under an Aikido master, who taught me to at least be comfortable holding Japanese bokken, shinai, or katana. But I would absolutely love to learn more. For me, there's a lot of grace in martial arts. I've never been very interested in dancing, since it seems to be so capricious and unfocused (social dancing, anyway) (plus the fact that it's incredibly embarrassing), but I find a great sense of beauty in the careful and precise motions of the martial arts. Throw a sword into that (which also limits the hand-to-hand contact that I don't particular like), and you've got me interested.

...Draw more.

Ever since becoming interested in Japanese anime, I've flirted - as many other fans have, I'm sure - with the idea of drawing those kinds of characters. In high school, I made a concentrated effort to learn to draw in that style. I bought (and still have) a stack of instructional books with many sketched figures, that I spent some time drawing from page for page. In addition to getting some good practice, it was also an exciting crash course in anatomy. I built up a collection of pages of largely embarrassing sketches, but I never really went anywhere with the drawing. I love the idea of being able to take an image from the mind, and bring it into realization in a form you can see, and can show others, but I've just never been that good. So one of my minor goals in life is to draw more frequently, with the hopes that continuous practice will make me better and better, to the point where I can actually draw something from my mind, that's nice enough to look at.

...Cosplay.

I actually have cosplayed, so this should probably either be "cosplay more" or "cosplay better". For those that don't know, cosplay is a form of costume play usually associated with anime fandom, where people dress up as their favorite characters, usually (but not always) for conventions and such. The couple of costumes I've worn in the past have been pretty sub-standard, I think. I've cosplayed as a generic ninja from Naruto, as well as a mediocre Griffith from Berserk. I think dressing up in exotic costumes can be exciting, especially when there's a character behind it that you like or respect. I'm no good at sewing or making clothes in any form, and don't have a particularly strong desire to learn, so I think I'd rather be a cosplay model, with somebody else designing costumes specifically for me. It's not really something I expect to do in a major capacity, but I think it would be fun if I had the chance.

...Write stories.

I don't have *major* aspirations of being any sort of writer, but I do already have some specific stories in my head, that I'd like to take more time to get down on paper (computer). Of the two main stories I'm working on, one is about a young man who goes on a journey to slay a dragon in order to avenge his family and hometown (it's actually a lot more interesting than it sounds by that description), and the other is about a soul's journey through heaven and hell, and the eventual overthrow of God's kingdom. I have others in mind, and I would love to see even just one of these ideas fleshed out into an actual complete story.

...Take more pictures.

I've mentioned my interest in photography. Early on, I spent a lot of time taking pictures of sunsets and cloudscapes. I have a particular interest in capturing the beauty of nature, in its many forms. I love seasonal shots that show the difference in a specific spot during different seasons. I don't really take a lot of pictures, but I always seem to enjoy it when I do. So I'd like to make a point to take more pictures. Part of the problem is the inconvenience of carrying a camera around with me everywhere I go (not to mention making sure I always have batteries charged and ready), and another part is not wanting to draw attention to myself by pulling out a camera, or having to worry about taking pictures of someone or something that I shouldn't be. But I have some shots that I'm proud of, and I'd like to get more.

...Read every book I own.

I have an interest in reading, but I also have a habit of avoiding reading when I could be doing something else. I have a stack of books on the back burner, that I haven't read yet, that I've been meaning to read for awhile. My best friend is a bookophile, so he seems to constantly be recommending more and more titles. Other people dump books off on me sometimes, if they think I'd be interested in them. Basically, I'd really like to just go through the stack and read everything I own, so I don't have to feel tied down and backed up anymore. But realistically, I know that even if I did read every book I own, it wouldn't be long before I'd get a few more and the stack would grow anew...

...Record my music.

As a starving artist and a struggling musician, it would make sense for me to record my music. I have written a hand full of songs, and just recording some of what I play in general would be a good idea. I've been working on an album since graduation, but it's been over a year and progress has pretty much halted. I really need to kick myself into gear and finishing recording what I have ready, so I can put that album behind me and move on, start thinking about new projects. This could be essential to my progress toward finding and gaining my dream job.

...Be in love.

I've been in love a few times in my life, and though there's usually an amount of pain that comes with it, especially when things don't work out (and face it, most relationships fail), I still believe that love is the most powerful and the most amazing emotion known to man. Love is the reason we live. For a person like myself, who doesn't meet people often (and when I do, I tend not to make the best impression), finding someone to love isn't easy. Being desperate doesn't necessarily mean that my standards are any lower than they would be otherwise, though. I don't play games; I want someone who can make a profound impact on my life. Ultimately, though, I just want to be in love again.

...Have sex outdoors.

For someone who reveres nature, and worships love, there is little more exciting than the idea of making love in the great outdoors. There are any number of intriguing conditions, too. A grassy field under the full moon. A warm day under the hot sun. A sandy beach with a bit of seaspray. Up against a tree, or in a hot tub (or spring) under the falling snow. I'm interested in a little environmental experimentation. I just have to find a willing partner first.

...Be a nude model for an art class.

I mentioned this in a previous entry. The idea of it excites me, and it's totally something that I'd love to try, if for nothing else than to be able to say that I tried it. It really makes me nervous to think about it though, making myself the center of attention like that, not to mention being nude in front of strangers. But that's the kind of barrier that I'd like to break down, if I can. I just want to be free, and be me.

...Be nude more.

And, in that vein, I just want to be nude more. More often and in more places. I don't want to have to hide it from people, either. I don't know how realistic this goal is, considering the way most people seem to feel about nudity. But I'm interested in pushing the boundaries. When and where I can.

...Learn Japanese rope bondage.

I actually already own a length of bondage rope, and I've played around with a few ties (on myself). Something about bondage in general intrigues me. I'm not into the heavily dominant-submissive or sadomasochistic lifestyles (oh my), or the extreme bondage thing, but leather and other shiny fashions are attractive, and something about having a girl tied up really turns me on. I figure it has to do with the whole confidence thing - making the girl my toy and robbing her of the ability to have any sort of mind of her own, where she could reject me or try to take control of the situation, puts me at ease and gives me a kind of power trip that I'm not used to having. It's nothing psychotic, though, I just think I could have a lot of fun with it. And I'm totally willing to take turns. I just have to have someone that I can completely trust to do this with. In the mean time, I could do for learning some techniques, and becoming more familiar with different kinds of knots (maybe if the Boy Scouts were allowed to test their skills on the Girl Scouts, I wouldn't have been so quick to quit, all those years ago).

...Beat social anxiety.

I think this is self-explanatory. I mean, this is a large part of what this blog is about, isn't it? Social anxiety has plagued me all my life, and I've been fighting it constantly, but I haven't been able to beat it yet. I'm certain that if I can beat it, the quality of my life will increase drastically. No matter what it takes, this is something that has to happen.

...Be more confident.

Related to my social anxiety, I seem to lack any kind of confidence in social situations. I'm soft-spoken (that is, when I speak at all), and I have a hard time asserting myself and getting my ideas and feelings across to people. I need to have more confidence, in saying what I mean to say, as well as saying it more clearly and in a louder voice, so that people aren't so quick to ignore me.

...Become a better conversationalist.

See above. I have a hard time holding a conversation with most people. I find it difficult to relate to people that I don't know real well - it seems like it's either they're gonna talk about what interests them, and bores me, or else I could try talking about something that interests me, which will undoubtedly bore them (something I obviously don't dare to try). Conversations with me are largely one-sided, and this isn't a good thing. My social life is filled with awkward pauses. I respect comfortable pauses and silences, but I wish I could learn to replace those awkward pauses with genuinely interesting conversation.

...Overcome my fears.

I'm a pretty timid person. I tend to let my fears control me and my actions. I need to break free of these chains. I know that, based on past experience, most of my fear is irrational and unfounded, and serves only as a barrier to realizing my potential and in a lot of cases, just having a good time. Don't be guided by fear!

...Live up to my potential.

I kind of mentioned it above, but I feel like the quality of my life isn't a result of who I am, or what I necessarily deserve, but that it's more a product of my disorder. I'm a college graduate, with a degree in physics. I'm a smart guy. I'm kind and I'm sensitive, and I care about people. I'm interested in getting to the truth of things and not deceiving and bull-shitting people. I deserve to be in a better position, and conquering social anxiety is an essential step in living up to my potential.

...Change my name.

For awhile now I've played around with the idea of changing my name. Kind of like spirituality, I think a person's name is something that one should decide for oneself, after having enough time to discover one's true nature. But the trouble is that I'm not entirely sure what name I want to have, or if I might decide to change it in the future. So I've kind of resorted to mostly just using nicknames. Maybe it's just as well.

...Spend an entire day watching the extended version of all three Lord of the Rings movies back-to-back-to-back.

Yeah, I've been meaning to do this ever since I completed my collection with the extended edition of The Return of the King. It's quite a commitment though, considering that it will almost certainly take over 12 hours. I've done the equivalent in the past, though, I just need to find the right time (and possibly the right company) when the mood is right.

...Learn how to surf.

Uh, yeah. I haven't had any experience whatsoever, but when I see people surfing (like in tv and movies, since I don't live near the beach, and rarely get to go to the beach), I get the feeling that it would be a lot of fun, riding the waves like that. Plus, I'm all for a beach kind of lifestyle. It's something I'd like to try if I ever happen to be in the right kind of place.

...Swim with a shark.

I grew up watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Sharks are awesome. I'm not a huge animal lover, but I have loads of respect for sharks. They're so majestic, kind of mysterious, they rule the sea, and despite being apex predators, they're not bloodthirsty monsters, and you can interact with them almost one-to-one, if you understand their behavior and are willing to treat them with the respect they demand. Anyhow, I definitely want to get a chance to swim with a shark (or better yet, sharks), at least once in my life. And in their natural habitat, not some lame aquarium or something.

...Find a fairy.

I'm a little obsessed with fairies (and elves, too). I find it strange that people generally consider fairies to be a girly thing. I mean, we're talking about little naked chicks with wings. Sounds kind of hot, to me. But being a guy, I feel out of place and embarrassed by looking at fairie-related products, or putting pictures of fairies up on my walls (I don't think I've actually done that yet, specifically - though I have shamelessly adorned my guitars with faerie stickers). Anyhow, I don't really believe in fairies, but I do have an interest in fairie mythology and they do have an ambiguous yet central place within my spirituality as a kind of natural symbol. I might not believe in them as is, but I do believe that searching for one can be a meaningful experience.

...Start a revolution.

I have some pretty unusual ideas about things, I think. I suspect that a lot of my anger towards society is misdirected frustration about my own inabilities to become who and what I want to be, but still, I think some of my ideas could go a long way towards creating a better society. I'm not claiming to have all the answers. I just have some ideas that people need to consider. And a revolution, to me, is a romantic notion of changing the world to better suit my tastes.

...Perform a concert to an empty coliseum in Pompeii.

This is one of my dreams. If you've ever seen the Pink Floyd video, Live At Pompeii, that's what I want to do. Just play to an empty stadium during twilight, and on into the darkness. It'd partly be a tribute to Pink Floyd, but we'd play original music - post-rock - so as not to make the mistake of trying to do something that's already been done before.

...Walk more.

I love to walk. It gives me a chance to think, and a chance to recognize the world around me, outside of the places I spend most of my time in. Plus, it's a good way to get exercise, that isn't overly exhausting. I've been spending so much time in my room, sitting at my computer, that I don't even walk as much as I used to. I'd like to make a point to get out and walk more (but moreso when the weather gets warmer...).

...Participate in a ritual at Stonehenge.

I just love the idea of this. I'm sure Stonehenge is awesome, and I bet it would be so profound to participate in a ritual there. I love the idea of using stones to create a giant solar calendar. I wish I had a setup, like some kind of special garden or hilltop or something, with a good view of the horizon in every direction, with markers setup to make meaning of the passage of the heavenly bodies. Get in tune with the ancients (we are of the sun).

...See the aurora borealis.

This just sounds like it would be a really cool thing to see. I love weather, and I have an interest in astronomy, and seeing something special like this would definitely be something to remember. I'd like to make a point of it someday.

...See a total solar eclipse.

I remember seeing one in grade school, but I was young then, and it's been a long time. The solar eclipse is one of the most fascinating astronomical occurrences visible from the Earth. The idea of opposites, of day becoming night, light becoming dark, and the sun being swallowed by the moon, intrigues me. And it's just a beautiful, moving experience. I definitely have to see another one some day.

...Wear more interesting clothes.

When I do wear clothes (heh), they're pretty mundane. I wear t-shirts that I like, but ultimately it's just a matter of putting on what's easy and what's comfortable. I like the idea of wearing some more interesting fashions, like bellbottom jeans, some kind of interesting boots (that aren't too feminine, but not overly masculine either), more buttoned or flowy shirts, maybe even some jewelry (maybe), perhaps a neat hat every now and then. Dressing up can be a lot of fun - the reason I hate it so much is because first of all it's a pain, and then it's usually boring clothing that I don't like. If I had interesting clothes that actually expressed my unique outlook on life, and successfully matched my laidback attitude with my personal sense of style, I think it could not only be fun, but could also boost my confidence. Plus, I'd be bound to get more attention from people, and by standing out, they'll know right away that I'm different, so I don't feel so bad when their mundane ways start to bore me.

...Get new glasses.

Ok, I was kind of running out of ideas by the 43rd thing, but it's true that I need new glasses. The prescription seems to be fine (it's a miracle that I've gone so long without really needing an upgrade), and I like the look of the glasses I have now just fine. The trouble is that the lenses are so scratched up that it actually causes a visible difference in the clarity of the image I see. I generally just deal with it, but it gets annoying sometimes, and I should really just get new lenses already. The problem is that I don't like the idea of going in and having to risk talking to the doctor and having to do an eye test or schedule an appointment or anything like that. That's pretty much kept me away...

Girls

I'll admit I haven't had the best of luck or the most experience with girls in my life, but I have had some, and I'm thankful for that. There were a number of girls throughout my life that have made an impact on me, and I'd like to take a moment to discuss the most important ones.

Childhood

The first girl I ever remember making an impression on me was the girl that lived across the street from the house my family lived in during the majority of my childhood (pre-kindergarten) years. My memories of this stage of my life are admittedly vague, so I don't recall a lot of details. I'm pretty sure she had a brother, who we (my older brother and I) played with a lot in that neighborhood. I'm not sure, but I think the girl was actually a little older than me, closer to my brother's age. We didn't really have much of a connection, I think, other than just being neighbors that played together sometimes. I mean, I was pretty young at this point, but I do specifically remember having some kind of admiration for her. Maybe it was my very first crush. Although, as I've said, I was quite young at the time. My most vivid memory is when her family moved away from us. It was probably the saddest memory I have from that young an age. The day after she moved away, we woke up and looked out on the front porch, and on it the word "goodbye" was written in chalk. I recall crying very hard.

The Best Babysitter In The World

Also from my childhood days of living in that house, I remember our regular babysitter, Stacey, who lived just down the street. She was absolutely the coolest person in the universe. Every time she came over to watch us, it was an absolute blast. She loved to play videogames, and she'd always bring over some titles, or we'd rent some for the occasion. Thinking back on it, she was a total 80's chick, but that kind of thing didn't really make an impression on me at the time. I think I can honestly say that I loved her, but it wasn't really in a romantic way. Heh, I guess it's like the way you love God. Or something like that. It was a disappointment as we got older and saw her less and less, particularly after she moved farther away. But those evenings of playing video games with Stacey have to be among the greatest times I've had in my life.

Within The Family

I'm not sure at what age this happened, though it was fairly young, but I specifically remember having a crush on one of my cousins. Obviously, nothing ever came of it, albeit to my disappointment, but I remember lying about liking some early pop boy band just so I could hang out with her. I'm not a hundred percent certain, but I think she might have had really long hair at a young age.

Elementary School

Throughout elementary school, focusing on the later years when girls really started entering my consciousness in a significant way, there were two girls that impressed me. They were actually close friends who spent a lot of time hanging out together, and they were also two of the most popular girls in our grade - so naturally, I wasn't the only one thinking about them. The one was more the outgoing type, with a lot of style, and a certain amount of attitude. Basically the girl everyone wants. And the other was a lot shier, a bit of a more gentle beauty, with fairer skin and a softer voice. Of the two, I think I liked the shy girl better. Of course, considering who I am, I probably never once even so much as spoke in their direction. But I remember thinking that whether or not it was a good day depended on whether or not I had made any kind of contact (not necessarily physical) with a girl on any given day - any girl, really. (As a sidenote, I remember that later on, in high school, the outgoing girl ended up becoming the bad girl type, dating a lot of rebel-type guys, while the shy girl ended up getting serious with the smartest guy in our grade - he was an insufferably nice guy, but I always hated him for getting her, though I'm sure they deserved each other).

Ah, I just remembered another girl from elementary school that played a significant role in my life. She was tall, and probably had longer hair than average (though not necessarily really long), and she was a bit more playful than the rest. I remember, in the period before the kids really started thinking about dating, this one girl would sort of take on different boys, one at a time, to sort of be her pet. I pride myself on being one of her pets, although there wasn't a whole lot to it, besides getting more attention from a girl than I usually would. Which was a great thing.

Junior High

Junior High was a painfully awkward period of life. Once again, there were two girls that captured my attention. The one I liked more was the smart type - actually my rival in math class. The other one had really long, jet black hair. But I kind of lost interest in her when she got a buzz cut and went all punk/butch. As for the smart one, I remember two significant moments between us. One was at the end of the year, when I actually, for once, got up the nerve to ask her to sign my yearbook. We exchanged books, and returning them, we both shared a laugh after we realized we had both written something math-related. I guess it's not that much of a coincidence, in hindsight, but that didn't ruin the experience at the time. The other moment was at a school dance. You have to realize the effort it took me to actually go to the school dance. It's the kind of thing I'd fantasize about when I was at home alone on Saturday nights. But this one, I actually worked up the nerve to show up at. It was a Halloween dance, so I put on a cape and I may have put a colored streak in my hair. It was a hell of an experience, although nothing really great happened, except at the very end. The dance kind of ended a little earlier than I had told my dad to pick me up, so I was sort of hanging around as the adults and the student helpers tore things down. The smart girl was there as one of the helpers, and we were sitting on a table as things were winding down, and she mistook me for being one of the helpers since I was still around, and she made some comment about us doing a good job, and slapped me on the back, in that camaraderie kind of way. God, it's not much, is it? But to me, it was everything.

High School

High School is where things finally started to get interesting for me in the romance department. I had spent my whole life as a loner, lamenting my position outside of the social circle, believing that that was just my place and that it would never change. But then I watched Evangelion in a one-stop marathon, and it blew my mind. At the climax, mirroring Shinji's breakthrough, I discovered that what was actually important in life was people - specifically, *other* people. So from that point on, I started actually making a conscious effort to try to score some companionship (granted, in my terms, that doesn't necessarily mean much). That was in the fall, and the following spring, I met a girl online. It's kind of pathetic, but for me, I suppose it couldn't have happened any other way. The internet was the best place for me to meet someone and start to actually make an interpersonal connection - in a largely impersonal arena. We seemed pretty compatible at first, and we chatted regularly for awhile before we finally realized that we both wanted to be a couple, so that's what we did. I was 17 years old at the time (she was 15), and she's the one that awakened my sexuality. In the past, I had understood that looking at pretty girls felt good, but I didn't really 'get' what it was all about until, with her encouragement, I discovered the secret. I have to say, she was quite perverted. We had a lot of cyber-sex and played a lot of erotic cyber-games. It was fun, and it was the first time in my life I actually had someone that I could consider a romantic partner. Somebody who actually admitted to loving me. It was an amazing feeling. The relationship only lasted three months before she went on a vacation to Europe, and for some reason decided to end it before she left. I cried really freaking hard that night, but then the tears were gone, and the sadness was mostly behind me, only to be replaced by anger. She later told me that she was planning on resuming our relationship when she returned (it was only like a two week trip or something), but by that time, I had said some pretty mean things, since I was so pissed at her, and well, things ended kind of messily. I was ready to move on, though.

The One

Then the most amazing thing in my life happened. 1) I fell in love with a girl, 2) I actually mustered the courage to show her my affections, and 3) she actually returned my feelings sincerely! She was a girl I'd known from Junior High, but had never been real close to until senior year of high school, when things just sort of blossomed. It started on a field trip with the Japanese class (to an outdoor taiko concert in the city, actually). There were sparks, but I was still pretty timid. When Christmas rolled around, knowing that she considered herself to be a witch, I spied a deck of Tarot cards during my shopping that I knew she would love, so I picked it up. The difficult part was actually giving her the gift. Last day of classes before break, I was agonizing like crazy during that last period, almost dying from anxiety. Should I head to her locker after this class and give her the gift, or should I just forget it and go home? It was a back and forth battle. For once in my life, I did the right thing. I found her and gave her the gift. We got to talking, and she invited me to a New Years Party with her friends. The next day, she called to confirm details, and we ended up making plans to meet that night. It was magical, though still very innocent and repressed. Next day, we went to see a movie. Another of the most agonizingly anxious moments of my life. I had the urge to put my arm around her shoulders, you know, like the cool guys do in all those movies. But at this point, despite all the signals, I wasn't even sure if she was actually available. Halfway through the movie, I just did it. It was another one of the greatest moves of my life. Later that night, we shared a passionate kiss - my first. Then, just like that, it was Christmas.

We had to be separated for a few days, to spend time with our separate families. But the night before Christmas, I couldn't sleep at all. A strange idea started formulating in my head. I knew it was downright insane, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew - just knew - that I had to do it. I got out of bed, like 3 or 4 in the morning, took a shower, and then, before dawn, I drove over to her house. I remember seeing the light snow falling in the glow of the van's headlights. I got to the house and I parked out front. It was freezing, and it was really early. I turned the heat up high and I figured I'd wait till they got up. You see, I didn't have much of a plan at that point, I just knew that it was Christmas morning, and I had to see her. Before too long, the car battery gave out. I guess I should have kept it running. At that point I knew there was no turning back. The only way to get home would be to get help, so I knew it was just a matter of waiting till they got up. My bones were being chilled to ice.

Finally, around 6am-ish, I couldn't take it anymore. I went up to the door and rang the bell. I felt bad about waking them up, but they said they were just about to get up, anway, though I can't know for sure that they weren't just being polite in saying that. Anyway, I had a problem, and I needed help, and they knew who I was, so they were very welcoming. I had a cup of coffee to warm myself up (I wasn't in a position to be picky), I even got an impromptu gift (a cinnamon candle which I still have and burn every once in awhile), and most importantly, I got to see the girl of my heart on Christmas morning. After getting a jump, I headed on my way, in the brightest of spirits, to join my own family for Christmas. It was insane, but I don't regret it for an instant. Can you imagine any better Christmas gift? I can't.

So from there, things just got better and better. I confessed my love to her explicitly, and we got pretty serious after the New Years Eve party. Meaning the night of, as well as in the ensuing months. We went to the prom together, we graduated together, and we spent the summer in love. Then she moved to the west coast for college. We continued the relationship mostly by phone. I flew out to visit her just after Christmas that year (my first ride in a commercial jet - and alone!), and the experience was mostly positive. We definitely had some good times. I came home after a week or so, and after that things started to go downhill. In the spring, tensions mounted, and during a particularly bothersome sickness, the whole thing stopped short. Later that summer, she showed up on my doorstep, and we started back up again. Another semester over the phone, then that holiday season, it was over for good. It was just not working out. But I was ready to move on.

Epilogue

Even though it's already been a couple years, the latest one is still too recent, and I don't necessarily feel like dredging up the painful memories that I'm still trying to heal from. Another time. If you're anxious, try reading my poetry or listening to some of my songs.

Clothed In Space (or Comfortably Nude)

I alluded to this earlier, but now it's time for the full-on confession. I've always had a fascination with nudity, but only recently have I accepted it and begun to become comfortable with it. For me, nudity possesses an allure that is independent of any connotations with sexuality. That's not to say that nudity cannot take on a sexual quality, as it often does, but the truth is that I've learned to appreciate and enjoy nudity in a completely non-sexual context as well. I'd like to share an observation I've made. It's not like I've actually discussed this with anyone, but it's an impression I got reading various people's opinions. It seems to me, that aside from the whole sex issue, one of the major problems non-nudists have with nudity is that they think it's all about seeing. Whether it's having to see other people nude (arguing that most people are ugly in just their skin), or having to expose one's self to others. But nudism neither has to be about exhibitionism, nor does it have to be about voyeurism. It's not about seeing, it's about being. The appeal is simply *being* nude.

I'm not gonna pretend this is true for everyone, although I would recommend giving it an honest try at least once in your life. Ultimately, though, that's not my decision, and I still respect people who disagree with my views. But at least for me, I find that being nude is exhilarating. It's thrilling, but it's also immensely comfortable, assuming that the temperature is reasonable. Perhaps a part of me is attracted to the idea of exposing myself completely, since I've lived for so long hiding myself from people. But above and beyond that, I've always been drawn to the natural state of things. It's not unconnected to my search for spirituality. Settling on a nature-based belief system, such as the general form of paganism, has a lot to do with the idea of stripping off all of the chains of the society of man, including clothing, and re-uniting with the natural principle within. As I mentioned previously, being nude in a natural surrounding, to me, symbolizes the perfect state. It fills me with a wholeness and a vibrant awareness of the energy of life. It truly is a mystical experience.

But I can enjoy being nude indoors, as well. I have to admit I've practiced. Having a house effectively to yourself for half the day every day, during the hot summer months, tends to lead toward a continuous shedding of layers. Nobody's around, and nobody's gonna see you, so what difference does it make if you're not wearing any clothes? So you experiment, and you either find you like it or you don't. I like it. Simple as that. It's fun, so I find I want to do it more and more, as much as possible. Of course, there are conditions, like whether it's warm enough, whether you can expect to be alone, and if not, whether anyone is going to mind. I'm comfortable by myself, but I'm still not sure if it's something that I want to share with others. I mean, yeah, even I get the feeling of, "oh I don't want to see any of these people naked". And yet, a part of me is excited by the idea of it - not the seeing, but the being. Because ultimately, it's all about being, and I enjoy being nude, so why wouldn't I want to share that with other people of a like mind? But then, I feel like those kind of people aren't exactly easy to find. I have to reiterate that this has absolutely nothing to do with sex - I don't want people to get the wrong idea, else I'd be likely to find myself in an extremely uncomfortable place that I really really don't want to be...

"Have you ever taken photos of yourself nude?"

I have to admit, this question intrigues me. Particularly in this age of digital photography, where you can completely bypass the development stage, ensuring that you're the only one who has to see the pictures you take, it becomes a very valid question. It's probably not surprising at this stage, but to answer that question honestly, I'd have to say yes. I've taken photos of myself nude.

This begs the question, why? For what purpose? Curiosity? Because there's someone you want to show them to? I consider myself an artist, with some interest in photography. The nude body is a natural work of art. Put two and two together. Although I'd obviously prefer to have attractive female models, the bottom line is, I have to work with what I've got. And, this might sound a little strange, I'm not sure, but I actually consider myself somewhat attractive. Unfortunately, and this might also sound odd, I kind of feel like I look better without clothes, anyway. I mean, when I'm dressed, the only real part of me that shows is my face and my hair. And while my hair is beautiful, I've never been entirely satisfied with the shape of my face. Of course, this is just my opinion, and I'll bet that for most of the people I encounter, thinking about how attractive or unattractive I am is one of the last things they want to be doing.

So that explains it, right? Actually, I have an even more obvious answer. The first nude pictures I took were for my girlfriend. The last part of our relationship took place cross-country, and you need some kind of comfort, right? All hail the webcam. Anyhow, that might have been the start of it (I didn't own a digital photographing-device before that webcam, which I bought specifically to keep in touch with my girlfriend when she moved from sea to shining sea), but the pictures I've taken haven't exclusively been for her. Some of them I've just taken for myself.

And being an artist, they're not particularly lewd or crude. Some of them are quite interesting, from an artistic perspective, I think. I have considered putting up something of a gallery of my best shots, but I've never quite got past that feeling that nobody would want to see them, as in, "what the fuck, I don't wanna see you naked." Plus, there's obviously issues about the borderline between art and pornography, and I'd be afraid of somebody getting the wrong idea about my intentions, you know? But on the other hand, despite my hesitation, I don't think there's anything particularly shameful about my body, and I'd probably be proud to show it off, as long as everybody else is on the same page. (On a related note, I've flirted with the idea of being a nude life model, but I've never had the balls to actually try it). Maybe I could go for a private gallery of my photos, and only give permission to people I trust. I dunno. Does that sound too weird? Too perverted? Too risky? Too pointless?