The Cult of Psyche

Psyche et L'Amour
A while ago, I found myself reading up on the mythology of Cupid (also known as Eros), everyone's favorite Valentine's Day icon (right?). I think most people are aware of the fact that Cupid is the son of Venus, the Goddess of Love and Beauty. But what I found of particular interest was the identity of Cupid's lover, Psyche.

Based on what I read, Psyche was a mortal girl of such beauty that Venus herself became jealous and conspired to destroy her. With great reluctance Cupid agreed to assist his mother's scheme to have Psyche fall in love with a monster (with, of course, the help of Cupid's magic arrows).

Now, as the story goes, just as Cupid is about to prick the sleeping Psyche with his arrow of love, the girl opens her eyes and (somehow) sees straight through his guise of invisibility. Startled, Cupid inadvertently pricks himself with one of his own arrows, and subsequently falls in love with the girl.

Cupid and Psyche
Personally, I like to think this is an excuse Cupid made up to salvage his reputation as the one who drives the whims of romantic affection and not one who is subject to them; and that Psyche was so beautiful, even he could not resist falling for her. But you can come to your own conclusion.

Now utterly enamored with Psyche, Cupid cannot in all conscience complete his mission. Furious at this turn of events, Venus places a curse on Psyche never to find a suitable mate. Cupid becomes angry in turn, and goes on strike, vowing to sling his arrows until the curse is lifted.

Love recedes from the world in the absence of Cupid's magic, and the planet grows old and gray. Venus finally gives in and lifts the curse over Psyche. But still Psyche cannot find a mate, so she consults an oracle, who reveals that her beauty is so great, that no mortal man can have her.

Then the story gets a little complicated. Psyche is married to Cupid, her only fitful mate, but his identity is hidden from her on his request (for some odd reason). They only meet in darkness, but Psyche breaks the rule and lights a lamp to reveal Cupid's identity while he sleeps.

Cupidon et Psyché
Upon recognizing him, it is said that she accidentally pricks herself with one of his arrows (yeah, right), falling in love with him. Clearly, I think she thought to herself, "my gods, I'm married to Cupid himself! Let me just jab myself with this arrow and I'll be in love with the most desirable ex-bachelor in the pantheon!" Or something similar.

But, Cupid awakens and is furious at what Psyche has done, so he runs away. Psyche, now very much in love, roams the earth searching for Cupid, without any luck. Eventually, she swallows her pride and prays to Venus, hoping for some guidance. Venus, still quite jealous, sends her on a series of fatally dangerous tasks that are quite impossible for a mortal to accomplish, but she - surprise! - manages to accomplish each one with a good bit of luck (and mercy).

Cupid and Psyche are ultimately reunited (after some kind of sleeping beauty stunt), and Jupiter (Zeus) grants her immortality. They have a daughter, called Voluptas, or Delight, who is the goddess of sensual pleasures.

I found this tale quite interesting, and the character of Psyche quite intriguing. And desirable. I noticed that, in counterpoint to the birdlike angel wings that Cupid is often seen adorned with, Psyche is sometimes depicted with butterfly wings. A beautiful young maiden with butterfly wings - is it just me or does that sound like a faerie to you?

The Awakening of Psyche
I meant to write up a post at some point about the advantages of polytheism, but I don't think I ever got around to it. The great thing about having a pantheon of divine beings, each with their own aspects and personalities, is that you can personalize your spirituality by focusing on the gods and/or goddesses that resonate with you. For example, a fighter might spend his prayers on Mars, the God of War, while a lover will pray to Venus. A fisherman might carry a lot of respect for Neptune, while a drunkard and party animal might worship at the feet of Bacchus.

This compartmentalization of aspects appeals to me. As a form of ordering, I find it intrinsically interesting. It's like the various sailor senshi in Sailor Moon, whose personalities and attributes correspond (to some extent) to the deities and/or elements associated with their ruling (or, rather, ruled) planets. Additionally, the power of choice that a pantheon offers is very appealing from an individualistic perspective. Instead of having everyone pray to the same boring all-things-to-all-people god, each person can find their own god, who they feel is worth worshipping. Of course, to fully support individuality, I encourage people to be loose in their interpretation of accepted gods, so as to truly make them their own.

Anyway, there are a number of different kinds of gods I could worship, but above all, the one thing in this world that strikes me as carrying a divine aspect above all others is the beauty of girls and young women, which has the power to move my soul (my psyche, if you will). If a religious shrine were to be erected to honor such a thing, in the manner that I envision it, I would visit it often and offer up my prayers.

Amor and Psyche
In pagan spirituality, there is the concept of the Triple Goddess - she who exists in three forms: maiden, mother, and crone. Each form plays an essential role in the cycle of life. And of the three, I am most drawn to the maiden, as among the three, it is the maiden's role to inspire desire and the promise of sensual pleasures, which then lead to the next phase, and its role.

This - love and desire and courtship and flirting and sensuality and eroticism - is just one part of life, as are all others. But, if you ask me, I think different people have different strengths in different aspects, and different levels of interest in different parts of life, and it is fulfilling to find what one desires most and to make a concentration out of it. Which relates back to my polytheism argument.

If your life is fighting, you may worship Mars, and if your life is romance, you may worship Venus. Bacchus has his cult, and so do (or should, if you ask me) the rest of the pantheon. Long have I attended the Cult of the Maiden, but I've longed for a name and a face to attach to it. Even more so than Venus, I think Psyche fits that role well, as the female counterpart to Eros, with which eroticism (as opposed to full-on sexuality) can be associated.

Le Ravissement de Psyche

Journal 014

Seriously, where did three days go?

Story time!

I learned how to add notes to photos in flickr today. Not that there's much to learn, although it was being buggy in Opera, so I ended up doing it in IE to make sure it would work right. But it's the first time I've ever actually added notes to a photo. Today's nude is a little more mundane than average, I think, but there's a neat little trick to it that wasn't actually inspired by, but perfectly mirrors in hindsight, the gimmick on the cover of Pink Floyd's experimental double album Ummagumma. I wonder how many of the few people that even see the photo will get the connection... I figured it was best to leave it a mystery and let the knowledgeable figure it out for themselves.

I know I already said that I didn't care /what/ people did as a result of seeing my nude photos, as long as it doesn't bother me - and I stand by that - but still, I'd like to hope that in the long run, my work receives more interest from artists, and actual nudists, than perverts. Not that I have a particular problem with the perverts, but it's just not the kind of people I'm looking to have a connection with. Hell, I'd love it if even just a woman got a kick out of my photos, regardless of intentions, but as far as I know (and I could be wrong), women, on average, aren't nearly as interested in seeing men naked as (straight) men are in seeing women naked. So where does that leave me? If you see naked men on the internet, what's your first assumption?

I'm 100% straight, and I'll admit I have homophobic tendencies. Though I'm straight, I'm not narrow-minded; I have no problem with other people who choose different ways to live their lives. What I /do/ have a problem with is largely a matter of image. The superficial argument goes something like this: I have enough trouble meeting girls as it is, I can't afford to let anyone have even the slightest doubt about my orientation. Then again, if you think about how much girls fawn over the gay guy, it seems like it'd be a nice way to weasel their affections, and in this bi-curious modern era, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to "suddenly" expand your horizons, fulfilling your girlfriends' forbidden dreams, which is secretly what you were trying to do in the first place!

Well, I'm not deceptive enough to try a thing like that. But furthermore, there is a more fundamental problem I have with the idea of guy-on-guy relations. Again, I make it a point not to judge others based on my own beliefs and opinions, but that sort of thing just isn't for me. Sure, I have no problem with the idea of girl-on-girl relations, but before you call me a hypocrite - the important point here is that I love women, and that I don't love men. So as long as the subject of loving is women, I'm happy, regardless of who's giving the love, and if the subject becomes men, then I'm hightailing it out of there.

Now, once upon a time, an interesting question was raised by someone in my presence. If you find yourself sexy, does that make you gay (or bi, I suppose)? My immediate answer to the question was no, of course not, that's something completely different. And that's precisely what I believe. I'll admit it, I have narcissistic tendencies. Some people dread looking at their reflection in the mirror. You know what? I actually enjoy having mirrors sitting around my room, so I can look at myself every time I cross the room and whatnot. Especially when I'm naked. I find myself to be fairly sexy. Does that mean I'm attracted to guys? No way. It's just completely different when it's yourself. When I look in the mirror, oddly, I don't see a guy, I see me.

On the one hand, I feel like this is something that's kind of hard to explain. On the other hand, I suspect that maybe other people understand and perhaps experience it themselves more than I might expect. At any rate, the bottom line is that I can enjoy looking at pictures of myself nude, but I have very little interest in looking at pictures of any other guy nude - that "little" constituting my interest in a purely artistic representation of the male body, or certain nudist pictures where the focus isn't on the body specifically, but on the /idea/ of being nude, which I can sympathize with.

As far as I am concerned with people, which isn't a whole lot, I could do without them mostly. People make me very anxious, and I would live a much more peaceful and relaxed life without them. Granted, they're pretty much essential to living a full life in this day and age, and that anxiety is one of the things I'm trying to work against. But I'm doubtful about just how much I can fix. I have a great family, and at least one of my two brothers I'm pretty close with (even though it gets frustrating sometimes). I have a better friend than I could have ever predicted that I'd have, which is great, because without him, I'd probably be a full-blown shut-in, with no contact with people whatsoever, one of those hikikomori cases you hear about in the news (if you live in Japan, I guess).

So at this stage, although I like the idea of finding people to hang out with who share my interests (especially considering that the friend I mentioned above is currently living out-of-country), I'm pretty confident that the anxiety and effort of meeting and knowing those people wouldn't be worth it, and I have little motivation to add any new people into my life. Still, I'm always looking for a potential soulmate. Even if I sincerely doubt my chances of ever finding someone who could possibly meet my standards, I'm still not about to give up. And even though I don't even meet people, and I don't hang out with people, I'm still open to the idea that some day, some way, there /could/ be a person to fill that space that I'd love to have filled.

I guess it's kind of pathetic. I mean, what are the chances of me finding someone who is both an attractive female, /and/ shares my interests? If we talk about nudism alone, most of the vocal nudist population I've been exposed to is male, and middle-aged. And nudism is only one of the interests I have that is far out of the mainstream. I can't even find a way to live in this mainstream world, I certainly can't have anything to do with mainstream people. But it's hard to find radicals. First of all, they're a minority, so there's less of them. Plus, there're so many different kinds of radicals, it's impossible to find the type you want. You find the wrong type of radical, and yeah, they might be just as anti-mainstream as you are, but they might have wild beliefs and opinions that run drastically counter to your own. And that ain't gonna work. It's like the world is saying, "step into the mold, or fend for yourself." And I couldn't fit into the mold if I wanted to try.

Well, this has been interesting. I almost dread what a certain reader might say in response. We share a lot of the same ideas about things, but our philosophies diverge considerably at some point. I feel like he's trying to push me to adopt his outlook, and it's not going to happen. Then again, I reluctantly find myself trying to force him to see some of the things I see, and that's not going to happen, either. He chooses anger; I'm content to live with sadness. That's the difference between metal and blues, anyway. I don't care if everything sucks, it's still infinity times better than nothing. And just because there's no logic in god, that doesn't mean there isn't any logic in life, or love. Maybe it is all based on gut feelings, in the end. I feel enlightened because I'm not infected with god. Maybe he feels enlightened because he's not infected with life or love, beyond what's forced upon him. Still, even though I have no love lost for god, I wouldn't give up life or love for anything in the world. And that's who I am.

This is who we are.

The time is near.

790 days remaining.

Journal 009

Might as well right now get over the 'fear' of posting two Journal entries (or more?) in a row.

Today was the Superbowl. I actually feel kind of guilty mentioning it, because on the scale of football fandom (or fandom of sports of any kind), I'm located on the extreme with the people who could miss the Superbowl without realizing it - or caring. And I feel like acknowledging it automatically puts me in the group of casual fans who do care a little bit about the game. Well, there are two factors which brought the game to my attention this year. First of all, my dad's a huge football fan; he had no big Superbowl party to go to this year; and kickoff was during dinner - so there was no way I could have not been exposed. And secondly, Tom Petty was playing the half-time show, and I wanted to see that. So, since it was there, I decided to watch for the commercials, too, like any other non-fan would do. Nothing too mind-blowing, but you can tell that the stakes are higher - I know it wouldn't make sense financially and all that, but why can't advertisers be at the top of their game for regular commercials? Maybe then, people wouldn't hate commercial breaks so much...

Anyway, Petty's performance was, I'd say, par for the course. Pretty much what you'd expect from Petty playin' the Superbowl. I think I enjoyed the Stones' gig more, a couple years ago, but for a mainstream gig like this, they could do a lot worse than Petty (and truth be told, most of the years it *is* not even worth watching). The amount of sparkle throughout the stadium was pretty impressive. The songs Petty played were American Girl, I Won't Back Down, Free Fallin', and Runnin' Down A Dream. It's not surprising he'd play well-known songs - I mean, you might as well take advantage of that huge audience, and play songs they're gonna be able to sing along with. And besides, Petty doesn't seem like the type to pull out "artist's choice" on an important gig like playing at the Superbowl. I do like the spirit of adventurism in an artist, though, and I hope the rumours about Petty being looser with his setlists on the upcoming tour are true. I've seen him twice already, in 2005 and 2006, with 60% of his playlist repeated. Actually 60% sounds like a lot less than I was expecting.

It's 3 days into February, and I've already managed to slack off one day on my RPM Challenge efforts. But, having played guitar 2 out of 3 days is already a much better average than I've been pulling. I've been playing with both Meddle and Jabberwock, seeing what kind of sounds I can coax out of them - very preliminary stuff. Before a couple days ago, I actually hadn't played Jabberwock in a while, since I've been doing this madness stuff on Meddle. Picking Jabberwock up again, I was immediately reminded of - and impressed by - its bite. Meddle is still better with controlling the feedback, and for sensual tones, but Jabberwock's got the crunch. I'd have to say that Meddle is my blues guitar while Jabberwock is my rock guitar (I'd even say metal, except that I don't play metal). Still though, the bow effect only really works on Jabberwock. So it's looking like I'll definitely be using both guitars in this project. I might have to break and switch, but I think I might try to work out a system where I have both plugged in, and I can sit one down and let it humbuzz while I pick up the other one, turn the volume up, and continue on. Still lots of work to be done.

I was thinking about my project - what the idea behind it will be, what to name the pieces of the composition (because this sort of thing is a lot easier, and at least as fun as, the actual playing and composing) - and I thought that, since the name of my project is already Eight of Swords, I could break it into eight pieces, each named after a famous sword! So then I thought about what famous legendary swords I knew about, and I immediately came up with Excalibur and Masamune. But then I got stuck. What other famous, named swords are there? I thought about picking out swords from Final Fantasy games, but I definitely wanted my project to have a more 'myths and legends' than 'gamer geek' feel. Then I questioned whether I wanted to use supposed real historical swords of legend, or ones from fictional stories as well. But then, there are so many swords, and they each have their own place, how can I extract them like that, for my purposes? I'll obviously be biased toward the swords I've been exposed to.

There's something very appealing to me about the way that the Final Fantasy games have consolidated so much mythology from many different cultures and adopted it for their own purposes. It's a learning tool - a springboard for research. But something about taking those ideas and restructuring them to fit into a new framework... Okay, I'm bordering on ideas and feelings that I really can't explain in words, here. I believe I have mentioned that I've been working on devising my own RPG - dragonfaith (in my To Do List entry). Well, I think about these kinds of things. Consolidating ideas, and creating my own. And when it comes to naming things, even the coolest names from past mythologies often turn out to be pretty straightforward - oh, it's just "fire-sword" in Latin! So, if you call something Firesword now, it might sound pretty stupid, but it could be awesome in a thousand years when everybody's speaking Esperanto! Anyway, I guess the point is, I start thinking about whether there would be more worth in stealing other people's swords, or creating my own. Although, the benefit of stealing other swords is that people know them already. And that was the original point.

I searched Wikipedia for a list of swords. If you've ever surfed Wikipedia, you know how easy it is to get off on tangents. I ended up reading about lightsaber combat and Sith lords...

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. I have no idea what the groundhog did. But I watched Groundhog Day. Very profound movie. A lot more serious than the other two Bill Murray flicks I watched the day before - Stripes, and Ghostbusters. The 80's is an interesting beast. I have an inescapable connection to it, since I was born in the 80's, although I'm probably more a 90's kid, then again those early years were the formative years, weren't they? Anyhow, although the 80's is incredibly lame in almost every aspect, there's a weird appeal to it. It has nothing to do with the music - I think the music is crap. And I don't really respect the fashion, but the fashion has a lot to do with this feeling. Like, when I watch an 80's movie - for example, there were some good slashers in the 80's - there's just something about the whole aura of it that seems so innocent, and so upbeat. Even when talking about slashers. I don't know, it's really weird. There was a movie on TV months ago that I ended up seeing, starring Madonna. It was Desperately Seeking Susan. I'd be hard-pressed to call it a great movie, yet I had fun watching it. I'm tempted to say that there are some unconscious feelings going on relating to that "total 80's chick" (if you remember my Girls entry) that babysat me and my older brother during the 80's. That wouldn't surprise me.

But honestly, don't expect me to be caught dead going to an 80's themed party or going to see an 80's cover band. I think it's stupid how much people glorify the 80's. I think Satanic is definitely on to something with his philosophy about Sting, The Police, and Hip To Be Square.

Went to Wal-Mart last night. I looked through the "outdoors section", just scouting out possible camping-related items for Burning Man. I've been meaning to make up a shopping list, even just a preliminary one to start with. I also saw some bikes at the mart, but I dunno if they were kid's bikes or what. I definitely feel good about getting a bike. Even if it wasn't for Burning Man, I haven't ridden a bike in probably ten years, but everytime I think about it, I feel like it would be a lot of fun. And an excuse to get exercise, too. Like walking, but a little bit more exhilarating, and you could go a lot farther in the same amount of time, see different sights. I dunno if there's a trick to getting a bike, I just want one that's cheap, and comfortable (and that doesn't break down).

Bought myself a giant Reese's chocolate peanut butter heart from the Valentine's Day aisles. Nearly overdosed on that thing. I came to the realization that, although Valentine's Day is kind of depressing when you're alone, the major advantage is that you're free from the stress of having to impress your girlfriend. And boy is that a relief. I mean, I guess the effort is worth it if you get to reap the rewards, but from the other side of the fence, at least you can look forward to not having to make any effort at all.

Notes On A Feeling

A Collection Of Love Songs Never Compiled
(or Hannah And Other Assorted Love Songs)

Cowgirl in the Sand - Neil Young & Crazy Horse

"Hello woman of my dreams" countered with "Is this not the way it seems?"
A natural heartbreaker, though unintended. "When so many love you, is it the same?"

Sugar Mountain - Neil Young

"There's a girl just down the aisle, oh to turn and see her smile."
There was a time when college seemed like a magical candy world. Frightening at once, but irresistable at the same time. So much magic, so many new experiences, and for the first time, being on my own. My heart was in a fragile state.

Sit Down, I Think I Love You - Buffalo Springfield

"Sit down, I think I love you. Anyway, I'd like to try. I can't stop thinking of you. If you go, I know I'll cry."
There are times when something occupies your mind so completely, you can't even be bothered to do simple things like eating and sleeping.

Sister Golden Hair - America

"I've been one poor correspondent. I've been too, too hard to find. But it doesn't mean you ain't been on my mind."
Many times I wanted to see her, but instead, I hid myself away, afraid of becoming an intrusion.
"Will you love me just a little, just enough to show you care?"

Give A Little Bit - Supertramp

On that note, "send a smile and show you care." There's nothing in the world quite like being ignored by the one for whom you'd like to care.

Achilles Last Stand - Led Zeppelin

"With all the fun to have, to live the dreams we always had"
"oh, to touch the dream...to ride the wind...to tread the air above the din..."
Every weekend was a new dream, a new chance at hope. Every week shattered, but left wanting to try once more.

Daydream (Live) - Robin Trower

"We were laughing in a daydream" the phrase itself brings a tear to my eye.
"We were spellbound...oh, spellbound..."

Love In Vain - The Rolling Stones

"It's hard to tell, it's hard to tell, when all your love's in vain..."

Pretty Girl Why - Buffalo Springfield

"Pretty girl why, why not love me?" What cruel hand doth fate have? Why do we desire things we cannot have?
"There she leaves me twice as lonely as I was but yesterday. Keeping such a hold upon my thoughts; so near, yet so far away."

What Is And What Should Never Be - Led Zeppelin

"What's to stop us, pretty baby, but what is and what should never be?" Ours was a love never meant to be. How did my world become such a ruin? "Girl, the answer lies with you." And an even deeper answer lies within me.

Little Wing - Derek And The Dominos

"She's walking through the clouds, with a circus mind that's running round. Butterflies and zebras, and moonbeams and fairy tales, that's all she ever thinks about, riding with the wind." To enter those thoughts for just a moment - but would it even mean anything?

I Want You (She's So Heavy) - The Beatles

"I want you so bad, it's driving me mad." Has your life ever been fueled by an obsession? An obsession that drives you crazy? That drives everything else out of your mind? Something you desire so much to possess, that you would give anything for, yet it remains dangling just beyond your reach?

Cars Hiss By My Window - The Doors

"I got this girl beside me, but she's out of reach"
"A cold girl will kill you, in a darkened room"
Fun and games, and nothing but emptiness on the inside. Consistently betrayed hopes. Like shooting for the sun at night.

Hannah - Robin Trower

"Nothing I do brings me to you."
"Distance surrounds you everywhere - you're living in memories I can't share."
"Wishes for you never came true. Hannah, let me love you."

We Could Be So Good Together - The Doors

"We could be so good together. Yes, we could, I know we could." But I'm just telling lies. I'm telling wicked lies. To sustain a sinking ship like this, you have to be light as a feather, your mind devoid of all thought but wishful thinking.

Let It Grow - Eric Clapton

"I'm standing at the crossroads, trying to read the signs to tell me which way I should go to find the answer. And all the time I know. Plant your love and let it grow." A romantic notion, no doubt. But sometimes it's just a delusion. Not every seed survives the bitter cold of winter. Not every bud gets a chance to see the light.

Do I Have To Come Right Out And Say It? - Buffalo Springfield

"Do I have to come right out and say it - tell you that you look so fine?"
"Indecision is crowding me, and I can't believe she'd care."

It's No Secret - Jefferson Airplane

"It's no secret. Everybody knows how I feel." I spent forever keeping my feelings hidden, even from myself. But by the end, though I refused to admit it outright (and still have a hard time doing so), I also felt like it must have been so obvious that everyone knew. Not that it made a difference.

Homework - J. Geils Band

"Oh baby, you got me so blind, I'm walking round in circles, I could lose my mind. The way you got me holdin' your door, I can't do my homework anymore." I once asked her for help. She provided the focus, but it probably looked like I could do it on my own. She could have been the link that kept me in the game, but I couldn't bear to ask again. So I was forced to drag myself along the ground instead.

You'll Accomp'ny Me - Bob Seger

"I've made my mind up that it's meant to be - someday, lady, you'll accomp'ny me." More wishful thinking. Hoping that time will cure the space between us. But these things are all inter-related. One will not betray the other.

Harvest Moon - Neil Young

"When we were strangers, I watched you from afar." That's about as far as it ever got. I just couldn't help it. I have a fixation on beauty. I just can't let it pass by without acknowledging its existence, even if just in my own heart.

Dino's Song - Quicksilver Messenger Service

"All I ever wanted to do was love you, and maybe hope that you could love me too."

You Keep Me Hangin' On - Vanilla Fudge

"Set me free...get out my life...let me get over you..."
"Seeing you only breaks my heart again, and there ain't nothing I can do about it."
A love not picked grows sour, and withers into hatred. I had to kill part of myself just to go on. And yet there you still were, completely oblivious perhaps, but mocking me just the same. Not soon enough could I escape your persistently enchanting presence.

Serves You Right To Suffer - J. Geils Band

"Serves you right to suffer, baby. Serves you right, you're gonna live alone." Pure, vindictive, revenge. Simple catharsis.

Evil Woman - Spooky Tooth

"Evil woman, when I saw you comin', shoulda started runnin'." But ultimately, I don't regret the experience, as it has changed my life.

Driftin' and Driftin' - The Paul Butterfield Blues Band

"Every now and then I wonder, does that girl even think of me?"

Save Your Love - Great White

"I wake in the night to find you on my mind. Deep in a dream, you'll always be, until the end of time."

I'm In Love - The Primatives

"I'm in love with images..." Forms within that have been stirred by forms without. Masks concealing the Truth inside, that have seduced me, then left me high and dry. A projection of perfection, a hope that blinds my view of Reality. "Not too much substance to my love, though. Seems my intended didn't show. Not too much hope to see my love grow. Seems I've pretended I don't know."

http://zharth.tenjou.net/love.zip (138 MB)

Hippie Ideals

"When in the flow of human events it becomes necessary for the people to cease to recognize the obsolete social patterns which have isolated man from his consciousness and to create with the youthful energies of the world revolutionary communities of harmonius relations to which the two-billion-year-old life process entitles them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind should declare the causes which impell them to this creation. We hold these experiences to be self-evident, that all is equal, that the creation endows us with certain inalienable rights, that among these are: the freedom of body, the pursuit of joy, and the expansion of consciousness, and that to secure these rights, we the citizens of the earth declare our love and compassion for all conflicting hate-carrying men and women of the world.

We declare the identity of flesh and consciousness; all reason and law must respect and protect this holy identity."

 - A Prophecy of a Declaration of Independence, Fall 1966

I've never actually considered myself a hippie, despite being sympathetic to their cause and lifestyle ever since discovering them in the course of my fandom of rock from that era (specifically, the late 60's and early 70's). There have even been times when I've felt that I was born too late; that I would have fit in so much better in the [counter-]culture of the 60's. From what I've come to understand, the hippie movement rose to some extent out of the earlier beatnik culture, embracing a more positive outlook on life, and formed a counterculture largely reactionary to the politics of the day, particularly relating to the unpopular Vietnam War. Hippies preached love and peace, and greatly admired their freedom of expression.

Today, the stereotype that prevails is that of the "dirty hippie". Frankly, I think that's an unfortunate stereotype. Just because you have a deeper connection with the earth, or that you let your hair grow long, doesn't mean that you've given up all notions of cleanliness. It's a fact that, at Woodstock, not only were hippies washing themselves in a nearby pool of water - with soap, I might add - but some of them were also shaving - even their armpits! And in spite of all the Rastafarians and Deadheads and generic Gypsies you see these days, it's the groovy people at Woodstock that form the ideal picture of a 'hippie' in my mind.

So what do I get out of hippie idealism? Besides the music, the three main things are peace, love, and freedom.

Peace

Now, I don't necessarily consider myself a pacifist. I believe that there are times when violence is warranted. However, I believe that those times are (or at least should be, in a rational society) rare, and extreme. I believe that a lot of people are way more aggressive, in physical and non-physical ways, than they should be. Anger really pisses me off. It's kind of ironic, but it's true. When people start getting mad, the funny thing is, I'm angrier at the fact that these people (especially if I happen to be one of them) have allowed themselves to get to a point where they feel it necessary to resort to this kind of aggressive behaviour, rather than keeping a cool head and being rational about it, than I am about whatever topic the people have gotten angry about. I hate arguments - I think they're utterly pointless, and serve only to damage the relations between people. You can have rational discussions, and you can agree to disagree, but if you get two people shouting at each other because they each want the other to do or think in their own way, then you've already lost sight of what's important.

People often say I'm a pretty groovy person - in terms of being relaxed and chilled out a lot. Part of that is because I'm pretty timid, and it's not natural for me to express myself and my thoughts and beliefs over other people's. I like to avoid confrontation by letting things be. But if part of that is fear of agression, I'd like to think that part of it is the knowledge of how little aggression usually accomplishes - or the fact that when it accomplishes something, it tends to accomplish the opposite of what I consider to be important in life. Maybe other people put a premium on power and coercion and control, but I'm more interested in mutual understanding and respect. And aggression never accomplishes that.

So chill out, live and let live, and expend your energy in a more positive way. You'll feel a lot better in the long run.

Love

I believe in love. I believe that loving your fellow man does so much more for both you and him than hating him ever could. There's too much hatred in the world. What's all this fighting about, anyway? Can we for once consider our victims' perspectives and stop being so selfish? Love your enemy as you would your friend.

There's another aspect to the hippie's perspective on love - and that's the sexual angle. This one I'm slightly less aligned with. Hippies were all about free love. There was a great sexual liberation in the 60's, and I'm all for that. But the idea of sharing sex with strangers I'm not so keen on. I understand it can be a great way to connect with people, and promote love. But, particularly with all the complications involved, love can inspire some pretty wicked feelings too. Jealousy, resentment, control, possession, obsession. There is a dark side to love, as much as there is a light side. And then you've gotta worry about pregnancy, as well as diseases.

So in this case, I'd say I'm more on board with the psychological component of promoting love. I still don't think people should be too hung up on the physical aspect of love, but I'm not exactly about to promote having sex with everyone you meet.

Freedom

Freedom of mind and body. Freedom of expression. Freedom to be yourself. Freedom from the rules of the Establishment. I'm all about freedom. Dress code? Fuck that, I'll go naked if I feel like it. Only girls wear their hair that long? Fuck that, I'll let my hair grow as long as I want. You can't do or say or think or feel this or that? Fuck you, I am who I am and I'm gonna embrace that, not hide away from it, locking myself up into a rigid shape of a man that's been defined for me by an inanimate entity (the Establishment) that doesn't know a single thing about me, and cares only to further its own cause. If you really gave a damn for me, I'd be more willing to listen to your suggestions, but if that were the case, you'd understand that restricting me from expressing the things that are important to me is tantamount to slavery of the soul. And there's no way I'm gonna stand for that!

 

(This discussion is continued in the following entry titled "Drugs")

My Favorite Movies

I love watching movies. Maybe it's not as intellectual or high-brow as reading a book, but it's easier because you can put in a two-hour commitment and then you know you'll be finished. Plus, it's just less effort. Anyhow, my favorite genre is horror, but I enjoy drama, fantasy, and sci-fi flicks quite a bit as well. For those that know me, there may or may not be any surprises in this list, but here is generally what I consider to be my top ten favorite movies, of all time (not necessarily in any particular order):

Jacob's Ladder (1990)

Strangely, it seems that most of my favorite movies are ones that I inadvertently caught on TV unexpectedly once or more times, and slowly grew on me over time. The first time I saw Jacob's Ladder was in the month of October, during one of the major channels' horror showcases. I don't remember what year it was, but it can't have been later than 2000, and it wasn't more than a couple years earlier than that. I only caught part of the movie, so I had even less of an idea what was actually going on, but that didn't dull its effect on me. I specifically remember the dance-party scene, with the bloody snapping dog skull and the grind-beast. Boy, that totally blew my mind, that a movie could have such horrifying and yet realistic depictions of demonic beings, in a sophisticated manner, where the filming style and pacing of the story add a very disjointed and psychological aspect to the imagery. And then the story itself was so sublimely emotional, and the film was shot in a very careful manner, that you could jump between a confusing scene where you don't quite know what's going on as horrific images pass by left and right, and then enter a serenely peaceful scene that's relaxing yet carries a sad sense that things are not going so well and that hell could break loose again at any time. I'm not absolutely certain, but I believe this may have been the movie that ignited my deep fascination with the theme of "the journey to the afterlife".

Dead Man (1995)

I was attracted to this movie for Neil Young's score alone, but the film managed to win me over completely. The subject matter of journeying into the afterlife parallels the theme of Jacob's Ladder, but deals with it in a distinctly unique, and somewhat more abstract and symbolic, manner. In case I haven't made it clear, the soundtrack is downright spectacular. Some of Young's most haunting soundscapes, not tied down to the usual barriers of "words" and "songs". In fact, the soundtrack is almost like another character in the movie, lurking in the background, waiting to jump out and accentuate certain sections here and there. Johnny Depp plays an excellent confused accidental-outlaw, who gradually comes to accept as fact the riddles Nobody offers him (Nobody is his enigmatic Indian guide), confusing him for the poet William Blake, with which Depp's character shares the name. The story is bizarre, and moves along slowly, but the atmosphere is consuming. Though it appears to be a western on the surface, Dead Man is really far from the genre stereotype. This movie (in addition to Blow) turned me into a Johnny Depp fan. Anyone who would play the lead role in a film this obviously eccentric, and pull it off so well, deserves my respect and admiration.

Midnight Express (1978)

This is another movie I first saw on TV. My dad was watching it, and he deserves the honor of having introduced it to me. I caught the beginning of the movie over dinner, knowing nothing of what I was in for. William Hayes (the movie is based on the real life story of William Hayes) gets busted in a foreign country for trying to smuggle drugs over the border. He gets tossed into a rather frightening Turkish prison, and all his attempts to legally extricate himself from the situation get quashed by a political system that wishes to make an example of Hayes, to discourage smuggling. The sheer terror of being stuck in a foreign prison, so far from anything that is familiar, with people that don't even speak your language, and above all that, being a victim of some injustice your family and your country can do nothing about, is terrifying indeed. I was gripped by the movie and continued to watch the rest of it in my room. The physical and psychological torture that William Hayes endures, as he faces thirty years in a dirty foreign prison for a petty crime, and the painful journey he makes to try to escape from it beyond the unjust 'rules of the game' are incredibly intense and emotionally powerful. This is a story of true struggle, against the unfair odds that life sometimes throws upon us, and the ultimate lengths to which we must go if we are to have any hope for the future. An absolutely outstanding story, executed to perfection in this film adaptation. To think that it is based on a true story is terrifying, indeed.

The Passion Of Darkly Noon (1995)

Yet another movie that I caught on TV first. I saw this one a long time ago, then forgot about it for awhile, before remembering it once again and bringing it back to the forefront of my knowledge. This is truly a bizarre tale, but beautiful in so many ways. At times it seems like something that could have really happened, other times it feels like a faery tale. The underlying theme, as indicated by the title, is passion, and the power it has to consume our mortal souls. Ashley Judd plays a convincing Callie (Kali?), part lonely wood nymph, part evil seductress. Brendan Fraser ropes in a mesmerizing performance as the innocent Darkly Noon, raised strictly by his ultra-religious parents, whom he is separated from by a fire which precedes the opening of the story. Now lost and alone in the middle of an unfamiliar forest, he is befriended by the beautiful Callie, for which he begins having feelings he doesn't quite know how to handle. An old woman who lives elsewhere in the forest provides a darker characterization of Callie, leaving the viewer uncertain of her true nature or intentions. Naturally, when Callie's mute lover returns from a long voyage, Darkly's jealousy gets the most of him, and he seems to summon up the rage of the devil himself just before an incredible climax. The plot aside, it is the beautifully enchanting and surreal atmosphere of the film, juxtaposed against the all-too-normal scenes, that really gives this film a unique and engrossing flavor. The scene with the floating circus shoe is just downright brilliant. But not only because it's random. If that were the case, I'd have much less respect for it. But because it has such a normal, rational explanation, yet the coincidence of its appearance yields something very profound, just makes it so magical for me. Fantastic all around.

Lost And Delirious (2001)

Unfortunately, this film doesn't get exactly the kind of attention it deserves, being a love story set in an all-girls dormitory, but make no bone about it - this film is modern Shakespeare. It is at times endearing, watching these young girls shedding their innocence, and at times heartbreaking, watching them crack under the pressures and realities of life. Watching this film had a profound effect on me, because I was simultaneously in awe of its beauty, and depressed at its inevitable conclusion. Is there anything in life more powerful, more important, than love? Can love truly destroy all barriers? And is love even more important than life itself? How do you deal with life when it takes away from you the one thing that truly matters? Do you try to move on, and conform to the role that's been laid out for you, or are you resolved to remain free and enlightened for eternity, at the ultimate cost? "Once you're up there at the top, looking down on everyone else, you're there forever, because if you move, you fall."

School of Rock (2003)

Originally, I didn't give this film much attention, because I figured a movie about kids starting a rock band would naturally be a little low-brow for me. I was wrong. And even though Jack Black isn't really my kind of comedian (not that I'm really into comedy much, anyway), I think he was perfect in this role. The philosophy of the movie is spot on, about the power and importance of music in life, and what it means to rock out. And I have to say, the kids are adorable, and the jokes are actually damn funny. This is one of those movies that I agree with on many levels, but don't really have to think about to enjoy it. I can just sit back and watch it over and over again and love every minute of it. I'm really not that kind of a movie-watcher, but this one is good enough to be an exception! That should explain enough.

John Carpenter's The Thing (1982)

I guess this means that I can't ever say that remakes are terrible based on principle alone! But this one does it right, by going back to the source material and taking advantage of what the previous effort ignored. The result is a fantastic story with a very paranoid and claustrophobic atmosphere. Set in a research base out in the middle of Antarctica, a team of scientists becomes the target of an extraterrestrial lifeform, freed from the ice, which can disguise itself like a chameleon by assimilating the cells of its victims and morphing into an exact biological duplicate. This is an excellent premise, as the story focuses on the paranoia experienced by the scientists, who have no idea which one is the alien, hiding behind a familiar face, waiting for the right moment to strike. And before you start thinking that this is just a ploy not to have to design any complicated monster fx, the truth is that this movie has some of the most spectacular special effects in any movie I've ever seen. Not all of it is exactly believable, but it's convincing within context, and the effects themselves are very well-done and so over the top that it can't help but give you nightmares. The problem with most monster movies is that they either don't show enough of the monster, or they do and it looks terrible (either it looks fake or just not scary). But this movie doesn't have this problem. Add to that the tense atmosphere and suspenseful pacing, and you have a true winner of a horror film. Top grade.

Legend (1985)

Peter Jackson's fantastic adaptation of The Lord of The Rings aside, Legend is probably my favorite fantasy film. It paints such a picture, with the engrossing environments, and the simply out-of-this-world soundtrack by Tangerine Dream. My older brother also did his part in hyping up the movie in my younger years, remarking at how scary it was, with the depiction of Lord Darkness and all ("Black as darkness, black as pitch, blacker than the foulest witch!"). In my mind, everything about this film, from the characters to the lines, even to the character's voices and the way they say their lines, is classic. I love the dichotomy in this film, between light and darkness, and between hope and despair. You've got princesses, unicorns, elves and faeries, goblins and demons, the devil himself, enchanted forests and labyrinthine tunnels. And the best part is that it doesn't feel childish. It's all dead serious. And very artistic. I love it.

The Matrix (1999) [and sequels - Reloaded (2003) and Revolutions (2003)]

Probably my favorite sci-fi film, The Matrix is mind-blowing. And although the first movie gets the most exposure, you really can't talk about it without bringing in the continuation of the story in the two sequels. Still, the premise of the original alone is enough to get people's attention. What if the world as we know it is just an illusion, a computer program created to deceive us humans, so that we never realize that we are slaves to a race of machines out in the real world, who rely on our energy as their primary power source? Maybe the idea has been thrown around in various forms over the years, but this movie encapsulates the confusion of such a hypothesis in such a simultaneously entertaining and engaging manner. Meanwhile, it manages to ask all the myriad other philosophical brain-fuck questions that college students tend to ask when they're sitting up late, drinking some coffee after a last-minute study session before the next day's exam. This movie is cool.

Aliens (1986) [with a nod to Alien (1979) and Alien 3 (1992)]

The Alien movies had a huge impact on my youth, and of the original trilogy, it was the middle child that made the biggest impression on me. The first movie was groundbreaking, and terrifying, but the first sequel upped the ante by literally multiplying the alien threat many times over. This movie gave me nightmares. The hive, with the victims all gooed up, awaiting their inevitable and torturous death; the paranoia of the team with the aliens closing in and them not knowing how to escape or survive; and the Queen, by god, the Queen. Absolutely terrifying, and so powerful in its execution. Few movies (particularly horror and sci-fi) have ever managed to create such a believable and terrifying creature design, but H.R. Giger pulled through on the general form of the xenomorph. Well done.

Hm, I realize Jesus Christ Superstar isn't on this list, and it really has no reason not to be. I'll get around that by saying that, since it's a musical, I don't really consider it to be a "movie". Ha.

43 Things

I happened upon this website called 43 Things, and I was intrigued by it. The idea is that you can create an account and then specify 43 things you'd like to accomplish in life. You can either choose things other people have already created, or you can create your own. You can also leave comments about your progress in accomplishing those goals, and help other people meet goals you've accomplished in the past. For me, it just seems like a great excuse to organize a bunch of my ideas about things I would love to do one day in my life (whether I realistically expect to do them or not). It's a great way to discover just what it is I'd really like to get out of life, and how I could make my life better by fulfilling my dreams. Here, I'll list the 43 things that I picked out, and describe the what or why of each one (and maybe how?).

I Want To...

...Live in a loft.

I think I've finally discovered what those apartments are called. I think they're called loft apartments - the kind that looks like a warehouse or some kind of studio, that's been re-dedicated to become a living space. You see it in movies sometimes, usually with artistic characters (although, I remember at least one with a scientific character). Typically there's like a cargo elevator that you have to take to get up to the apartment. The apartment itself is very open, with a high ceiling, and sometimes an upper level, and it's like all one big space without a lot of walls between rooms. I've never actually been in one. But ever since I started seeing them in movies, I've fantasized about living in one. It just seems like it would be such a cool place to live.

...Live in a lighthouse.

I've also fantasized about living in a lighthouse. Doesn't it sound romantic? Maybe only for a loner like me, but the idea of living in a tower by the sea, with a commanding view of sea and shore, is the stuff of dreams. No people to bother me, and my house is my job. Ideally, I'd love to run a radio station directly from the lighthouse, like the one character in John Carpenter's The Fog.

...Live on a lake.

Growing up, the annual family summer vacation was a visit to a resort lake town. We'd go to the beach sometimes, too, but the lake was every year. In fact, I went there every year without fail, until about 6 or 7 years ago, I think. I still wanna go back some day. At any rate, I've learned the pleasures of living on a lake. I can just imagine owning one of those nice lodges right next to the water, with a nice grassy yard, and trees all around, with a personal dock and a few boats for going out on the water. It's always more fun going to a store or restaurant when you get there by boat. It would be such a peaceful and relaxing existence...

...Own a beach house.

Alternatively, I wouldn't mind owning a beach house, either. One of those really nice and fancy ones, with a private beach. Boy, if that's not living the dream...

...Live in the Winchester Mystery House.

I know it's not really available for buying up and personally living in, but I still have a dream to live in that house one day. If you don't know the story, this is the house built by the heiress to the Winchester fortune. She was a little mentally unstable, so she actually held seances to decide how the house should be built. The result is a maddening example of unconventional architecture. Stairs leading to nowhere, doors that open to brick walls, secret passages, it's insane. And some people say it's haunted. Following in the footsteps of Jimmy Page with the Aleister Crowley mansion (Boleskine House, on the shores of Loch Ness), this is my dream house.

...Start a radio station.

I had a radio show in college, and it was one of the most enriching experiences of my life. I enjoyed it so much, getting to spread my music, and the things I had learned about it, to the people of the community (or at least the one or two who were tuned in). I'd love to be a radio dj again. In fact, I bought an FM Transmitter so I could sort of play the dj for a radio station localized completely within and around this house. But I have problems with the way commercial and big-name radio stations run things. You hear the same old boring songs over and over again, and you don't get that thrill of hearing something unfamiliar, or getting to know the dj's personal taste. I'd love to start a radio station of my own, throwing all of those useless conventions into the trash. I haven't yet warmed up to the idea of internet radio, but maybe that's ultimately the direction I'm gonna have to move in...

...Learn to play the blues.

This is something I've been meaning to do at least since I graduated college. I absolutely love the blues, and I feel the music resonates within my soul in a special way. I can really feel a good blues guitar solo, and one of the things I want most in life, is to be able to play a moving solo like that - improvised. So this is something I really want to work on. I've played guitar for at least 6 years now, but I really want to learn the stuff I need to be a real blues guitarist. I need to get lessons.

...Get better at guitar.

I'm completely self-taught, so far. I've dabbled in music theory, with scales and chord patterns and such, but I haven't really gotten a firm hold of any of that. Basically, my current style of playing guitar is wildly anarchic. It's more noise than music. I love it, and it can be quite a mind-expanding experience, but I also want to be able to play better conventionally. Songs and solos and stuff. The kind of thing I originally picked up the guitar for. So that maybe I could actually play in a band.

...Be in a band.

I play guitar mostly on my own. I go to open stages sometimes and show off my ear-splitting style. But I've always wanted to be the guitarist in a band. I want to impress people with my playing, but I don't want to have to carry the whole show. And although I like singing enough to want to continue doing it here and there, for most songs I'd love to just sit back and play the music, letting somebody else focus on the vocals.

...Become a rockstar.

Honestly, I'd settle for being a bluesman playing in bars, but what I'd really love is to be a rockstar. My ideal image of rock stardom? Jimmy Page. He's got the chops, he's got the style, he's got the occult mysticism fueling his persona of coolness. I can't imagine the experience of being a guitarist like that in a really good rock band, it must be amazing. And I wouldn't mind being chased by swarms of girls, either. This one's more 'dream' than 'goal'.

...Find my dream job.

Maybe I already know what it is, and it's just a matter of acquiring it. Like being a rock star, or a bluesman, or a radio dj. But I'm not completely sure. I don't like the idea of working in a job that I hate, just for the sake of making a living. I really want to enjoy my job, and I want it to be an enriching experience in my life. I'm not sure yet whether or not this is an attainable goal.

...Move out of my parents' house.

It's incredibly convenient living here. I don't have to pay rent. I don't have to pay for food. I don't have to pay for any sort of utilities. But it's not 'my place'. I want to live somewhere that feels like it's really mine. Where I'm not a guest, who has to always consider the burden he's placing on the person letting him stay there. I want to show that I can make it in the world, that I'm my own man, and that I'm out there. I feel like that would give me more freedom to actually be who I want to be. Maybe these are just convenient feelings, but I still think it's important to move out from under the roof of my family's shelter and protection. For them as much as for me.

...Be a ghost hunter.

I've been fascinated with ghosts for a long time. I don't actually believe in them, but I am curious, and I know the fear that can come over you when you're in the dark and you start thinking about strange possibilities. I've always wanted to actually visit a real haunted place, and try to find evidence of ghosts. Though a skeptic, I'm open to possibilities, and all this 'evidence' people have experienced - I'd like to experience some of it firsthand. Besides, it just seems like an exciting thing to do, going to a haunted location with some friends or cohorts, looking for evidence of the supernatural. Even if it was just taking pictures in a graveyard at night, I would love to try some sort of ghost hunting some day.

...Learn Kendo.

I've also been fascinated with swords and sword fighting from a young age. Swords have always been infinitely more interesting to me than any sort of guns. I've played around with toy swords plenty, but I'd like to learn some real skills. I actually did study a little bit under an Aikido master, who taught me to at least be comfortable holding Japanese bokken, shinai, or katana. But I would absolutely love to learn more. For me, there's a lot of grace in martial arts. I've never been very interested in dancing, since it seems to be so capricious and unfocused (social dancing, anyway) (plus the fact that it's incredibly embarrassing), but I find a great sense of beauty in the careful and precise motions of the martial arts. Throw a sword into that (which also limits the hand-to-hand contact that I don't particular like), and you've got me interested.

...Draw more.

Ever since becoming interested in Japanese anime, I've flirted - as many other fans have, I'm sure - with the idea of drawing those kinds of characters. In high school, I made a concentrated effort to learn to draw in that style. I bought (and still have) a stack of instructional books with many sketched figures, that I spent some time drawing from page for page. In addition to getting some good practice, it was also an exciting crash course in anatomy. I built up a collection of pages of largely embarrassing sketches, but I never really went anywhere with the drawing. I love the idea of being able to take an image from the mind, and bring it into realization in a form you can see, and can show others, but I've just never been that good. So one of my minor goals in life is to draw more frequently, with the hopes that continuous practice will make me better and better, to the point where I can actually draw something from my mind, that's nice enough to look at.

...Cosplay.

I actually have cosplayed, so this should probably either be "cosplay more" or "cosplay better". For those that don't know, cosplay is a form of costume play usually associated with anime fandom, where people dress up as their favorite characters, usually (but not always) for conventions and such. The couple of costumes I've worn in the past have been pretty sub-standard, I think. I've cosplayed as a generic ninja from Naruto, as well as a mediocre Griffith from Berserk. I think dressing up in exotic costumes can be exciting, especially when there's a character behind it that you like or respect. I'm no good at sewing or making clothes in any form, and don't have a particularly strong desire to learn, so I think I'd rather be a cosplay model, with somebody else designing costumes specifically for me. It's not really something I expect to do in a major capacity, but I think it would be fun if I had the chance.

...Write stories.

I don't have *major* aspirations of being any sort of writer, but I do already have some specific stories in my head, that I'd like to take more time to get down on paper (computer). Of the two main stories I'm working on, one is about a young man who goes on a journey to slay a dragon in order to avenge his family and hometown (it's actually a lot more interesting than it sounds by that description), and the other is about a soul's journey through heaven and hell, and the eventual overthrow of God's kingdom. I have others in mind, and I would love to see even just one of these ideas fleshed out into an actual complete story.

...Take more pictures.

I've mentioned my interest in photography. Early on, I spent a lot of time taking pictures of sunsets and cloudscapes. I have a particular interest in capturing the beauty of nature, in its many forms. I love seasonal shots that show the difference in a specific spot during different seasons. I don't really take a lot of pictures, but I always seem to enjoy it when I do. So I'd like to make a point to take more pictures. Part of the problem is the inconvenience of carrying a camera around with me everywhere I go (not to mention making sure I always have batteries charged and ready), and another part is not wanting to draw attention to myself by pulling out a camera, or having to worry about taking pictures of someone or something that I shouldn't be. But I have some shots that I'm proud of, and I'd like to get more.

...Read every book I own.

I have an interest in reading, but I also have a habit of avoiding reading when I could be doing something else. I have a stack of books on the back burner, that I haven't read yet, that I've been meaning to read for awhile. My best friend is a bookophile, so he seems to constantly be recommending more and more titles. Other people dump books off on me sometimes, if they think I'd be interested in them. Basically, I'd really like to just go through the stack and read everything I own, so I don't have to feel tied down and backed up anymore. But realistically, I know that even if I did read every book I own, it wouldn't be long before I'd get a few more and the stack would grow anew...

...Record my music.

As a starving artist and a struggling musician, it would make sense for me to record my music. I have written a hand full of songs, and just recording some of what I play in general would be a good idea. I've been working on an album since graduation, but it's been over a year and progress has pretty much halted. I really need to kick myself into gear and finishing recording what I have ready, so I can put that album behind me and move on, start thinking about new projects. This could be essential to my progress toward finding and gaining my dream job.

...Be in love.

I've been in love a few times in my life, and though there's usually an amount of pain that comes with it, especially when things don't work out (and face it, most relationships fail), I still believe that love is the most powerful and the most amazing emotion known to man. Love is the reason we live. For a person like myself, who doesn't meet people often (and when I do, I tend not to make the best impression), finding someone to love isn't easy. Being desperate doesn't necessarily mean that my standards are any lower than they would be otherwise, though. I don't play games; I want someone who can make a profound impact on my life. Ultimately, though, I just want to be in love again.

...Have sex outdoors.

For someone who reveres nature, and worships love, there is little more exciting than the idea of making love in the great outdoors. There are any number of intriguing conditions, too. A grassy field under the full moon. A warm day under the hot sun. A sandy beach with a bit of seaspray. Up against a tree, or in a hot tub (or spring) under the falling snow. I'm interested in a little environmental experimentation. I just have to find a willing partner first.

...Be a nude model for an art class.

I mentioned this in a previous entry. The idea of it excites me, and it's totally something that I'd love to try, if for nothing else than to be able to say that I tried it. It really makes me nervous to think about it though, making myself the center of attention like that, not to mention being nude in front of strangers. But that's the kind of barrier that I'd like to break down, if I can. I just want to be free, and be me.

...Be nude more.

And, in that vein, I just want to be nude more. More often and in more places. I don't want to have to hide it from people, either. I don't know how realistic this goal is, considering the way most people seem to feel about nudity. But I'm interested in pushing the boundaries. When and where I can.

...Learn Japanese rope bondage.

I actually already own a length of bondage rope, and I've played around with a few ties (on myself). Something about bondage in general intrigues me. I'm not into the heavily dominant-submissive or sadomasochistic lifestyles (oh my), or the extreme bondage thing, but leather and other shiny fashions are attractive, and something about having a girl tied up really turns me on. I figure it has to do with the whole confidence thing - making the girl my toy and robbing her of the ability to have any sort of mind of her own, where she could reject me or try to take control of the situation, puts me at ease and gives me a kind of power trip that I'm not used to having. It's nothing psychotic, though, I just think I could have a lot of fun with it. And I'm totally willing to take turns. I just have to have someone that I can completely trust to do this with. In the mean time, I could do for learning some techniques, and becoming more familiar with different kinds of knots (maybe if the Boy Scouts were allowed to test their skills on the Girl Scouts, I wouldn't have been so quick to quit, all those years ago).

...Beat social anxiety.

I think this is self-explanatory. I mean, this is a large part of what this blog is about, isn't it? Social anxiety has plagued me all my life, and I've been fighting it constantly, but I haven't been able to beat it yet. I'm certain that if I can beat it, the quality of my life will increase drastically. No matter what it takes, this is something that has to happen.

...Be more confident.

Related to my social anxiety, I seem to lack any kind of confidence in social situations. I'm soft-spoken (that is, when I speak at all), and I have a hard time asserting myself and getting my ideas and feelings across to people. I need to have more confidence, in saying what I mean to say, as well as saying it more clearly and in a louder voice, so that people aren't so quick to ignore me.

...Become a better conversationalist.

See above. I have a hard time holding a conversation with most people. I find it difficult to relate to people that I don't know real well - it seems like it's either they're gonna talk about what interests them, and bores me, or else I could try talking about something that interests me, which will undoubtedly bore them (something I obviously don't dare to try). Conversations with me are largely one-sided, and this isn't a good thing. My social life is filled with awkward pauses. I respect comfortable pauses and silences, but I wish I could learn to replace those awkward pauses with genuinely interesting conversation.

...Overcome my fears.

I'm a pretty timid person. I tend to let my fears control me and my actions. I need to break free of these chains. I know that, based on past experience, most of my fear is irrational and unfounded, and serves only as a barrier to realizing my potential and in a lot of cases, just having a good time. Don't be guided by fear!

...Live up to my potential.

I kind of mentioned it above, but I feel like the quality of my life isn't a result of who I am, or what I necessarily deserve, but that it's more a product of my disorder. I'm a college graduate, with a degree in physics. I'm a smart guy. I'm kind and I'm sensitive, and I care about people. I'm interested in getting to the truth of things and not deceiving and bull-shitting people. I deserve to be in a better position, and conquering social anxiety is an essential step in living up to my potential.

...Change my name.

For awhile now I've played around with the idea of changing my name. Kind of like spirituality, I think a person's name is something that one should decide for oneself, after having enough time to discover one's true nature. But the trouble is that I'm not entirely sure what name I want to have, or if I might decide to change it in the future. So I've kind of resorted to mostly just using nicknames. Maybe it's just as well.

...Spend an entire day watching the extended version of all three Lord of the Rings movies back-to-back-to-back.

Yeah, I've been meaning to do this ever since I completed my collection with the extended edition of The Return of the King. It's quite a commitment though, considering that it will almost certainly take over 12 hours. I've done the equivalent in the past, though, I just need to find the right time (and possibly the right company) when the mood is right.

...Learn how to surf.

Uh, yeah. I haven't had any experience whatsoever, but when I see people surfing (like in tv and movies, since I don't live near the beach, and rarely get to go to the beach), I get the feeling that it would be a lot of fun, riding the waves like that. Plus, I'm all for a beach kind of lifestyle. It's something I'd like to try if I ever happen to be in the right kind of place.

...Swim with a shark.

I grew up watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Sharks are awesome. I'm not a huge animal lover, but I have loads of respect for sharks. They're so majestic, kind of mysterious, they rule the sea, and despite being apex predators, they're not bloodthirsty monsters, and you can interact with them almost one-to-one, if you understand their behavior and are willing to treat them with the respect they demand. Anyhow, I definitely want to get a chance to swim with a shark (or better yet, sharks), at least once in my life. And in their natural habitat, not some lame aquarium or something.

...Find a fairy.

I'm a little obsessed with fairies (and elves, too). I find it strange that people generally consider fairies to be a girly thing. I mean, we're talking about little naked chicks with wings. Sounds kind of hot, to me. But being a guy, I feel out of place and embarrassed by looking at fairie-related products, or putting pictures of fairies up on my walls (I don't think I've actually done that yet, specifically - though I have shamelessly adorned my guitars with faerie stickers). Anyhow, I don't really believe in fairies, but I do have an interest in fairie mythology and they do have an ambiguous yet central place within my spirituality as a kind of natural symbol. I might not believe in them as is, but I do believe that searching for one can be a meaningful experience.

...Start a revolution.

I have some pretty unusual ideas about things, I think. I suspect that a lot of my anger towards society is misdirected frustration about my own inabilities to become who and what I want to be, but still, I think some of my ideas could go a long way towards creating a better society. I'm not claiming to have all the answers. I just have some ideas that people need to consider. And a revolution, to me, is a romantic notion of changing the world to better suit my tastes.

...Perform a concert to an empty coliseum in Pompeii.

This is one of my dreams. If you've ever seen the Pink Floyd video, Live At Pompeii, that's what I want to do. Just play to an empty stadium during twilight, and on into the darkness. It'd partly be a tribute to Pink Floyd, but we'd play original music - post-rock - so as not to make the mistake of trying to do something that's already been done before.

...Walk more.

I love to walk. It gives me a chance to think, and a chance to recognize the world around me, outside of the places I spend most of my time in. Plus, it's a good way to get exercise, that isn't overly exhausting. I've been spending so much time in my room, sitting at my computer, that I don't even walk as much as I used to. I'd like to make a point to get out and walk more (but moreso when the weather gets warmer...).

...Participate in a ritual at Stonehenge.

I just love the idea of this. I'm sure Stonehenge is awesome, and I bet it would be so profound to participate in a ritual there. I love the idea of using stones to create a giant solar calendar. I wish I had a setup, like some kind of special garden or hilltop or something, with a good view of the horizon in every direction, with markers setup to make meaning of the passage of the heavenly bodies. Get in tune with the ancients (we are of the sun).

...See the aurora borealis.

This just sounds like it would be a really cool thing to see. I love weather, and I have an interest in astronomy, and seeing something special like this would definitely be something to remember. I'd like to make a point of it someday.

...See a total solar eclipse.

I remember seeing one in grade school, but I was young then, and it's been a long time. The solar eclipse is one of the most fascinating astronomical occurrences visible from the Earth. The idea of opposites, of day becoming night, light becoming dark, and the sun being swallowed by the moon, intrigues me. And it's just a beautiful, moving experience. I definitely have to see another one some day.

...Wear more interesting clothes.

When I do wear clothes (heh), they're pretty mundane. I wear t-shirts that I like, but ultimately it's just a matter of putting on what's easy and what's comfortable. I like the idea of wearing some more interesting fashions, like bellbottom jeans, some kind of interesting boots (that aren't too feminine, but not overly masculine either), more buttoned or flowy shirts, maybe even some jewelry (maybe), perhaps a neat hat every now and then. Dressing up can be a lot of fun - the reason I hate it so much is because first of all it's a pain, and then it's usually boring clothing that I don't like. If I had interesting clothes that actually expressed my unique outlook on life, and successfully matched my laidback attitude with my personal sense of style, I think it could not only be fun, but could also boost my confidence. Plus, I'd be bound to get more attention from people, and by standing out, they'll know right away that I'm different, so I don't feel so bad when their mundane ways start to bore me.

...Get new glasses.

Ok, I was kind of running out of ideas by the 43rd thing, but it's true that I need new glasses. The prescription seems to be fine (it's a miracle that I've gone so long without really needing an upgrade), and I like the look of the glasses I have now just fine. The trouble is that the lenses are so scratched up that it actually causes a visible difference in the clarity of the image I see. I generally just deal with it, but it gets annoying sometimes, and I should really just get new lenses already. The problem is that I don't like the idea of going in and having to risk talking to the doctor and having to do an eye test or schedule an appointment or anything like that. That's pretty much kept me away...

Girls

I'll admit I haven't had the best of luck or the most experience with girls in my life, but I have had some, and I'm thankful for that. There were a number of girls throughout my life that have made an impact on me, and I'd like to take a moment to discuss the most important ones.

Childhood

The first girl I ever remember making an impression on me was the girl that lived across the street from the house my family lived in during the majority of my childhood (pre-kindergarten) years. My memories of this stage of my life are admittedly vague, so I don't recall a lot of details. I'm pretty sure she had a brother, who we (my older brother and I) played with a lot in that neighborhood. I'm not sure, but I think the girl was actually a little older than me, closer to my brother's age. We didn't really have much of a connection, I think, other than just being neighbors that played together sometimes. I mean, I was pretty young at this point, but I do specifically remember having some kind of admiration for her. Maybe it was my very first crush. Although, as I've said, I was quite young at the time. My most vivid memory is when her family moved away from us. It was probably the saddest memory I have from that young an age. The day after she moved away, we woke up and looked out on the front porch, and on it the word "goodbye" was written in chalk. I recall crying very hard.

The Best Babysitter In The World

Also from my childhood days of living in that house, I remember our regular babysitter, Stacey, who lived just down the street. She was absolutely the coolest person in the universe. Every time she came over to watch us, it was an absolute blast. She loved to play videogames, and she'd always bring over some titles, or we'd rent some for the occasion. Thinking back on it, she was a total 80's chick, but that kind of thing didn't really make an impression on me at the time. I think I can honestly say that I loved her, but it wasn't really in a romantic way. Heh, I guess it's like the way you love God. Or something like that. It was a disappointment as we got older and saw her less and less, particularly after she moved farther away. But those evenings of playing video games with Stacey have to be among the greatest times I've had in my life.

Within The Family

I'm not sure at what age this happened, though it was fairly young, but I specifically remember having a crush on one of my cousins. Obviously, nothing ever came of it, albeit to my disappointment, but I remember lying about liking some early pop boy band just so I could hang out with her. I'm not a hundred percent certain, but I think she might have had really long hair at a young age.

Elementary School

Throughout elementary school, focusing on the later years when girls really started entering my consciousness in a significant way, there were two girls that impressed me. They were actually close friends who spent a lot of time hanging out together, and they were also two of the most popular girls in our grade - so naturally, I wasn't the only one thinking about them. The one was more the outgoing type, with a lot of style, and a certain amount of attitude. Basically the girl everyone wants. And the other was a lot shier, a bit of a more gentle beauty, with fairer skin and a softer voice. Of the two, I think I liked the shy girl better. Of course, considering who I am, I probably never once even so much as spoke in their direction. But I remember thinking that whether or not it was a good day depended on whether or not I had made any kind of contact (not necessarily physical) with a girl on any given day - any girl, really. (As a sidenote, I remember that later on, in high school, the outgoing girl ended up becoming the bad girl type, dating a lot of rebel-type guys, while the shy girl ended up getting serious with the smartest guy in our grade - he was an insufferably nice guy, but I always hated him for getting her, though I'm sure they deserved each other).

Ah, I just remembered another girl from elementary school that played a significant role in my life. She was tall, and probably had longer hair than average (though not necessarily really long), and she was a bit more playful than the rest. I remember, in the period before the kids really started thinking about dating, this one girl would sort of take on different boys, one at a time, to sort of be her pet. I pride myself on being one of her pets, although there wasn't a whole lot to it, besides getting more attention from a girl than I usually would. Which was a great thing.

Junior High

Junior High was a painfully awkward period of life. Once again, there were two girls that captured my attention. The one I liked more was the smart type - actually my rival in math class. The other one had really long, jet black hair. But I kind of lost interest in her when she got a buzz cut and went all punk/butch. As for the smart one, I remember two significant moments between us. One was at the end of the year, when I actually, for once, got up the nerve to ask her to sign my yearbook. We exchanged books, and returning them, we both shared a laugh after we realized we had both written something math-related. I guess it's not that much of a coincidence, in hindsight, but that didn't ruin the experience at the time. The other moment was at a school dance. You have to realize the effort it took me to actually go to the school dance. It's the kind of thing I'd fantasize about when I was at home alone on Saturday nights. But this one, I actually worked up the nerve to show up at. It was a Halloween dance, so I put on a cape and I may have put a colored streak in my hair. It was a hell of an experience, although nothing really great happened, except at the very end. The dance kind of ended a little earlier than I had told my dad to pick me up, so I was sort of hanging around as the adults and the student helpers tore things down. The smart girl was there as one of the helpers, and we were sitting on a table as things were winding down, and she mistook me for being one of the helpers since I was still around, and she made some comment about us doing a good job, and slapped me on the back, in that camaraderie kind of way. God, it's not much, is it? But to me, it was everything.

High School

High School is where things finally started to get interesting for me in the romance department. I had spent my whole life as a loner, lamenting my position outside of the social circle, believing that that was just my place and that it would never change. But then I watched Evangelion in a one-stop marathon, and it blew my mind. At the climax, mirroring Shinji's breakthrough, I discovered that what was actually important in life was people - specifically, *other* people. So from that point on, I started actually making a conscious effort to try to score some companionship (granted, in my terms, that doesn't necessarily mean much). That was in the fall, and the following spring, I met a girl online. It's kind of pathetic, but for me, I suppose it couldn't have happened any other way. The internet was the best place for me to meet someone and start to actually make an interpersonal connection - in a largely impersonal arena. We seemed pretty compatible at first, and we chatted regularly for awhile before we finally realized that we both wanted to be a couple, so that's what we did. I was 17 years old at the time (she was 15), and she's the one that awakened my sexuality. In the past, I had understood that looking at pretty girls felt good, but I didn't really 'get' what it was all about until, with her encouragement, I discovered the secret. I have to say, she was quite perverted. We had a lot of cyber-sex and played a lot of erotic cyber-games. It was fun, and it was the first time in my life I actually had someone that I could consider a romantic partner. Somebody who actually admitted to loving me. It was an amazing feeling. The relationship only lasted three months before she went on a vacation to Europe, and for some reason decided to end it before she left. I cried really freaking hard that night, but then the tears were gone, and the sadness was mostly behind me, only to be replaced by anger. She later told me that she was planning on resuming our relationship when she returned (it was only like a two week trip or something), but by that time, I had said some pretty mean things, since I was so pissed at her, and well, things ended kind of messily. I was ready to move on, though.

The One

Then the most amazing thing in my life happened. 1) I fell in love with a girl, 2) I actually mustered the courage to show her my affections, and 3) she actually returned my feelings sincerely! She was a girl I'd known from Junior High, but had never been real close to until senior year of high school, when things just sort of blossomed. It started on a field trip with the Japanese class (to an outdoor taiko concert in the city, actually). There were sparks, but I was still pretty timid. When Christmas rolled around, knowing that she considered herself to be a witch, I spied a deck of Tarot cards during my shopping that I knew she would love, so I picked it up. The difficult part was actually giving her the gift. Last day of classes before break, I was agonizing like crazy during that last period, almost dying from anxiety. Should I head to her locker after this class and give her the gift, or should I just forget it and go home? It was a back and forth battle. For once in my life, I did the right thing. I found her and gave her the gift. We got to talking, and she invited me to a New Years Party with her friends. The next day, she called to confirm details, and we ended up making plans to meet that night. It was magical, though still very innocent and repressed. Next day, we went to see a movie. Another of the most agonizingly anxious moments of my life. I had the urge to put my arm around her shoulders, you know, like the cool guys do in all those movies. But at this point, despite all the signals, I wasn't even sure if she was actually available. Halfway through the movie, I just did it. It was another one of the greatest moves of my life. Later that night, we shared a passionate kiss - my first. Then, just like that, it was Christmas.

We had to be separated for a few days, to spend time with our separate families. But the night before Christmas, I couldn't sleep at all. A strange idea started formulating in my head. I knew it was downright insane, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew - just knew - that I had to do it. I got out of bed, like 3 or 4 in the morning, took a shower, and then, before dawn, I drove over to her house. I remember seeing the light snow falling in the glow of the van's headlights. I got to the house and I parked out front. It was freezing, and it was really early. I turned the heat up high and I figured I'd wait till they got up. You see, I didn't have much of a plan at that point, I just knew that it was Christmas morning, and I had to see her. Before too long, the car battery gave out. I guess I should have kept it running. At that point I knew there was no turning back. The only way to get home would be to get help, so I knew it was just a matter of waiting till they got up. My bones were being chilled to ice.

Finally, around 6am-ish, I couldn't take it anymore. I went up to the door and rang the bell. I felt bad about waking them up, but they said they were just about to get up, anway, though I can't know for sure that they weren't just being polite in saying that. Anyway, I had a problem, and I needed help, and they knew who I was, so they were very welcoming. I had a cup of coffee to warm myself up (I wasn't in a position to be picky), I even got an impromptu gift (a cinnamon candle which I still have and burn every once in awhile), and most importantly, I got to see the girl of my heart on Christmas morning. After getting a jump, I headed on my way, in the brightest of spirits, to join my own family for Christmas. It was insane, but I don't regret it for an instant. Can you imagine any better Christmas gift? I can't.

So from there, things just got better and better. I confessed my love to her explicitly, and we got pretty serious after the New Years Eve party. Meaning the night of, as well as in the ensuing months. We went to the prom together, we graduated together, and we spent the summer in love. Then she moved to the west coast for college. We continued the relationship mostly by phone. I flew out to visit her just after Christmas that year (my first ride in a commercial jet - and alone!), and the experience was mostly positive. We definitely had some good times. I came home after a week or so, and after that things started to go downhill. In the spring, tensions mounted, and during a particularly bothersome sickness, the whole thing stopped short. Later that summer, she showed up on my doorstep, and we started back up again. Another semester over the phone, then that holiday season, it was over for good. It was just not working out. But I was ready to move on.

Epilogue

Even though it's already been a couple years, the latest one is still too recent, and I don't necessarily feel like dredging up the painful memories that I'm still trying to heal from. Another time. If you're anxious, try reading my poetry or listening to some of my songs.