Journal 022

Tekkoshocon is this weekend, and I'm excited, but I have no idea how I'm gonna pull it off. I could just go during the evening, but I really want to get more out of it than that, considering that I haven't been to a /local/ anime con in like 6 years (since before college!). I know it's still no Otakon, but since it's an actual anime convention, it should at least be a lot better than the old Comicon when they still had anime on the side. Furthermore, the con ends early on Sunday, and Friday happens to be an Open Stage this week - and missing the Open Stage is some kind of sin.

I want to go Friday during the day to scout it out, even though such a thing seems impossible. I could be back by dinner and in time to ready myself for the Open Stage (assuming I don't sleep Thursday night...). There's a Silent Hill panel Friday night at midnight, though (here's the schedule), so I'm thinking about going back after the Stage, if possible (might be tricky). As far as the rest of the programming goes, I don't know if there's anything I /have/ to see. The video rooms seem to have quite a variety of titles, most of which will not be playing for more than hour (so it looks like a bunch of tastes of this or that rather than marathon feasts), and I don't think there's anything I absolutely have to see. They've got AMV's running all the time, which should be interesting to check out. And of course, I look forward to browsing the dealer's room. I don't really have any cosplay to wear, but I look forward to seeing other people in costume, and I even heard a rumor that there might be a C.C. or two at the con.

In other news, the glasses place emailed me again, forcing me into the uncomfortable position of having to respond. But the good news is, I think I'll be getting the glasses after all. God, I hope they work out. (And I hope they arrive soon, too.)

I'm finally getting to the end of the third season of Millenium. There've been some really good episodes lately. I love any one where Peter Watts shows up to plant doubt and paranoia and misplaced sympathy. Same for Lucy Butler, but with planting hatred, suspense, and pure evil. There have even been a couple that feel almost X-Files-like, considering that this season has been putting a lot more emphasis on "conspiracy". Agent Hollis has done a great job of being Frank's partner. Considering how close I am to the end, I'm coming to terms with the fact that there's no way this series is gonna deal with all the things I'd love for it to deal with. I mean, ending with the third season? It didn't even reach the millenium! Maybe it's better to leave that plot point open-ended, but still... I don't want to look too much into the circumstances of Millenium's end yet, since I haven't seen it. But I guess all will be revealed, in /some/ form, soon enough.

My Daily Nudes project on flickr has been going pretty well so far. A couple days ago, I did a tribute to a news story I came across where a high school student was denied a prize for her artwork because it depicted [tasteful, discreet, and artistic] nudity. I have to say I'm happy with how well my tribute seems to have come out. The last couple days have been more nudist-oriented shots - normal-type activities done in the nude. Which may not be as artistic, but I like them, because they're like still life's or something, and they promote the cause of casual nudity.

In fact, today I had the /very/ rare opportunity of eating dinner in the nude. One of my brothers was at work, and the other was at a hockey game, and my dad was out of the house later than usual. So he had left a sandwich in the fridge and a note on the kitchen table for me. Coming out of the shower, I remarked at how quiet the house was, since I can usually hear the television(s) on downstairs, and people at dinner. But it was dead silent. So, without getting dressed, I snuck down the stairs all ninja-like, and since not a creature was stirring, I cautiously advanced to the kitchen. Reading the note, I knew I was in the clear. But I was still nervous, because there are a lot of windows around that area of the house (plus that fear of somebody random coming to the door - and seeing in), and I wasn't sure when somebody might come home - and there have been times in the past when I've been surprised that I didn't hear the garage door.

But I was able to enjoy a few bites freely, and made a point not to waste the opportunity to take some shots in the beautiful natural daylight, before getting way too paranoid and throwing something on just in case. It's always a matter of risk assessment in those situations, but had I not gotten so paranoid, I could have spent the entire day in the nude (instead, I only spent about 90% of it as such). Still, a great and rare experience. If only I was more free to just be myself...

Sigh...

On a related note, it was recently that I felt that switch, from the colder climate of winter, to the milder temperatures of spring. It may or may not have anything to do with the weather outside, since I haven't been outside that much lately, but I could definitely feel the difference in my room, when it starts feeling warm. Not hot, not yet, but warm. And you feel an ever stronger desire to take your clothes off to be comfortable.

I was thinking about what it might be like to be more open about my desire to be nude. Not meaning that I would force my nudity on other people, but that if I didn't have to hide from it, then I could be more comfortable about it and do it in my room even when there are other people around, even in the middle of the day. Think about it, I could be nude most of the time, and only have to put something on when I have to interact with others (which, at this stage, is a small percentage of my time). And I wouldn't have to worry about somebody coming in and finding out, because it wouldn't be a secret. And if they didn't like seeing me nude, regardless of who it is, then it's their prerogative to be more careful about disturbing me unannounced.

The issue with that is having to constantly dress and undress. A robe is very easy to put on and take off, but, perhaps ironically, I really hate wearing a robe around other people because it's so informal - it's the thing you wear when you climb out of bed, when you go to the bathroom to take a shower in the morning, when you're feeling sick and have no desire to get dressed - and it just has that dirty, negative connotation for me. If I have to be wearing clothes, I want to wear something that gives me confidence, something that I think looks good, something that people aren't gonna think looks too out of place. I'm liking the idea of button-down shirts more and more these days. They have a certain class, a certain formality, even a sexiness at times, and yet they're much more free-flowing than t-shirts, and they're easier to put on or take off (depending on how much - if any - effort you put into buttoning). I've been considering getting some (more) of those kind of shirts and wearing them more often.

But that still leaves the question of pants. Pajama pants are out of the question, since they have that same homely, vulnerable connotation that the robe suggests. I have a pair of old jeans that are a little tight, and they're pretty good for the job - considering that they boost my sexiness/confidence a great deal - except for the fact that they /are/ kind of tight, particularly in the spot that matters, and not the most comfortable thing for a nudist to wear.

I wish I had more confidence talking about these things. I hate my instincts that sabotage my life and serve as my unchallenged destructors. I don't feel comfortable with anything. My life is a failure, and I'm not suited to exist within society. The thing that bothers me the most is that nobody helped me when I was younger, to make sure that I grew up to be more well-adjusted. Maybe there was nothing they could do - maybe, but I know there are things they could have tried. I understand that it's not their fault, because the one thing I've always been good at is hiding my problems and reflecting attention away from me, but it's done me no good and why couldn't there have been someone to help me, to see through my illusions? There were a few who tried, but it wasn't enough. It's like Seta Sojiro's breakdown when he fights Kenshin. "You say you protect the weak, then why didn't you protect me then, when I needed it?"

I want to say these things, but I don't want to take responsibility for them. I can't stand admitting that I'm human. That I have human emotions, and I worry about human things. Because I'm so removed from regular human existence. I feel that by pretending I'm not human, I can save face, but the instant I accept that I'm human, it's like I'm accepting just how pathetic I am, to be the way I am. The only hope of getting better is to ride straight through the storm, but the storm is the last thing I want to face. It's hopeless.

Imagine, if I admit that I'm human, then that means I need the companionship of friends. So the fact of being all alone is that much harder to bear. If I acknowledge myself as a loner, fundamentally different from other people, then I accept that I'm alone, even if I don't like it. But there's a reason for it. It's not because I don't /have/ friends, but because I don't /need/ them. The truth is, I do need them, but I'm scared of them. And the second I admit that, I'm lost and hopeless and people start laughing at me and rejecting me. I'm sure that's not how it would really happen, but that's irrelevant, because that's the way it happens in my head.

But there's a problem. Every time I've tried to be friendly and social and, gasp, 'normal', I only manage to emphasize the ways in which I am different from the average person. I'm not like most people, and my interests don't quite match up with the averages. And furthermore, I don't really understand how to communicate with people. There's a barrier that I just can't cross, no matter how many times I try. And admitting that kind of a weakness makes me feel embarrassed - which, as far as I'm concerned, is a pain worse than death.

Journal 021

My journal-specific entries are old enough to drink now. Not that they will. Everytime I think about writing something, I argue, "what's the point?" It's not like anything has changed. And despite enjoying the rare chance to talk about myself, it does get boring after awhile. Especially with the mundane topics. And the more interesting stuff comes and goes on the whim of inspiration - rarely settling long enough for documentation.

I was just thinking that Chii, from Chobits, is the perfect woman (despite being more like a girl - go figure). She has the loyalty, obedience, and unconditional love of a[n ideal] pet; the multi-usefulness of a super-intelligent robot; and she's more attractive than real, human women (or girls). If I had a persocom like Chii in my life, I wouldn't hesitate for a second falling in love with her and rejecting a human mate. Taking care of her would give me a purpose in life, and as a caring and intelligent companion, I could take her around with me everywhere I go, which would boost my confidence immensely.

It's fitting that just when I started feeling like maybe I could turn my life around, the whole plan crashed and burned in a matter of days, due to a number of factors in and outside of my control. I'm thinking that the major step is the nocturnal/diurnal thing. Being up during the night is my way of avoiding people. "I am the Lord of Darkness; I require the solace of the shadows, and the dark of night." But being up during the day would force me to be around people, and force me out of my comfort zone. Which is exactly why I'm avoiding it. But it's not even that easy, as if that wasn't hard enough. Adjusting a sleep schedule like that is tough. I've been nocturnal for two years now, and there are only rewards (immediate, not long-term) to be had for staying nocturnal. Going diurnal, on the other hand, is a major struggle - physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I don't think those glasses are coming. I ordered them, and then I got an email requesting my PD, which I entered into my account/profile when I ordered the glasses. If they're too stupid to check the program that they created to get the information they need, then they don't deserve my business. Even if it means I have to continue being pathetically blind. Actually, I'm just not gonna go out of my way to tell these people something they already know.

I don't even know what the point of writing these things is if nobody reads them. There's a horror movie coming out called Ruins. I read an article about it in Fango months ago, and it looked interesting. Just interesting. But the trailer is exciting. I'm thinking about seeing it. I still have some Destinta bucks from Christmas. Considering that the last movie I went out to see was Cloverfield in January.

Tekkoshocon is just a week away. I'm excited. It should be fun. Although no comparison to an anime con like Otakon, but I think it should at least be better than the Comicon was, since now it's focused directly on anime, and not wasting its resources on comic crap. I don't mean to offend, but that just reminded me of a funny thing that happened at the Comicon last year, before I realized they had expunged the anime programming in favor of a separate con (why didn't anyone tell me?!). We were sitting at a table eating some con food, and I said something like, "comics are lame." And then I realized it probably wasn't the most appropriate place to be making a comment like that. I don't think anyone else heard it, though.

Who knows. It'd be nice if I had some anime friends, though. It'd be nice if I had any friends at all. At least it would be an excuse - one that I could honor - to get out of the house and do stuff. I'd love to have concert friends, too, but the people that go see the bands I like to see are either 20+ years older than me, or are heavy drinkers (or both).

As much as I'd like to have friends, I have no interest in making friends. People are way too much of a bother. I don't want people bugging me about stuff. But I want people to talk to about interesting things. It's so troublesome. I'm afraid to put myself in a position of weakness or unfamiliarity. I'm trapped, bound by my own chains. I want - no, I need somebody to help me, because the only thing I've learned in my life is that I'm hopeless on my own. But I'd be afraid to ask, even if I knew the right person to ask (assuming such a person exists). I don't deserve to have somebody to help me. Everybody else is going through life conquering their own problems. What have I ever accomplished? I'm a useless human being with wasted potential. Nobody owes me anything. And I don't have the motivation to do anything about it. I was betrayed by my own ideal in the end. "Drown in your ideals and die." And now I'm a faded shadow of a person. There's no hope left but to stubbornly cling onto fantasies, which is the only thing I'm any good at. 

Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. They became enlightened to the truth of the depressing state of existence. Their innocent happiness was gone forever. God was compassionate in ejecting the couple from the garden, for if they were to eat also from the Tree of Life, then they would become like God himself - knowing the futility of life, but having not the power to end it. God would not wish such a cruel fate even on his enemies. And so, the years passed, and Adam and Eve were eventually freed from the unrewarding effort of living, and their offspring carried on the cycle of life, for it was believed that even a pained life was worth experiencing - so long as there was eventual release.

After many years of watching over the suffering of man, God devised a plan to try and bring back some of the innocence and happiness they had lost forever when Adam and Eve made their fateful blunder. If truth had opened their eyes to the desolation of the universe, God had but to create an illusion to distract them. This illusion came in the form of Jesus Christ. Through Jesus' sacrifice, God was able to convince man that they could return to the state of dumb bliss that Adam and Eve experienced before enlightenment, by conconcting an elaborate lie of life after death, in which the tables were turned - that man could live forever, but in a state of ignorant euphoria, as if he had tasted only of the fruit of the Tree of Life, and never that of the Tree of Knowledge. The followers of God continued to preach this vision of the afterlife, and the people were deceived, and became happier for that deception. Thus, God felt a little better about his creation.

But there are still some people in this world who have a natural predilection for the bitter taste of that fruit of knowledge, and prefer it even to the sweet fig of life. These people condemn themselves for their preference, but it's not truly their fault. It's only a matter of imperfection in God's creation. It's natural for man to seek the power of God, but where some are able to grasp the concept of eternal happiness, others are drawn self-destructively toward the glowing light of knowledge. But, though they may deem themselves wiser for it, it is truly a fool's path. Yet they still must walk it, unhappily, until the day comes when God's mercy shines down on them, and their existence is wiped null for the rest of eternity.

That was far more interesting than the earlier crap.

Journal 020

Last night I dreamed I was having a birthday party, which is ironic, since it's my brothers' birthdays that are coming up. And of the two people that showed up (my brother already being at the house), one was a person I never would have expected would come, but was the one person I'd be happiest to see. As it worked out, I, in my way, managed to avoid everyone for most of it - even though it wasn't intentional. I don't recall the details.

Before going to bed, I saw, in the growing light of dawn, that a layer of snow must have fallen during the night. As prophecied. Although, waking up this evening, the snow was already completely melted by the verdant dampness of the coming spring, so I wonder if the snow was merely an illusion. Well, I can't be sure if there'll be another snow or not, but I for one am looking forward to warmer weather.

The second batch of CD's I ordered has just arrived. The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown is awesome - perfect sixties psychedelia. Crusade by John Mayall & The Bluesbreakers - featuring Mick Taylor on guitar - sounds great. I can't believe I wasn't aware, but I Can't Quit You Baby is on that album! That's one of my favorite blues that Led Zeppelin does! And considering that Led Zeppelin evolved from the Yardbirds, from which Eric Clapton migrated into the Bluesbreakers, in which his eventual successor (and predecessor to Mick Taylor) was Peter Green, who formed Fleetwood Mac, whose music was known to have inspired Led Zeppelin (my, the webs we spin) - perhaps this track deserves a note in the Roots of Led Zeppelin project!

The last of the 3 CD's I just got was the Stones' classic live album from 1970 - Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out - also featuring Mick Taylor. I remember 5 years ago, my brother had this album, and he played it once in my presence (at the cabin, I believe), and I remember thinking it was mediocre. Of course, that was compared to the Led Zeppelin and such I was listening to, and the Stones have a slightly different aesthetic - less epic, virtuosic intensity, and more of the raw grittiness of roots music. At any rate, it's a testament to how my taste has evolved over the years that, now, I think the album sounds fantastic.

The finale to Millenium's second season was great, but I was a little concerned at the opening of the third, at how much things had changed. Frank back at the FBI? A brand new co-star in a supporting role so integral that she has usurped Catherine's (who no longer appears in the story, sadly) position in the opening credits? But I like it thus far. As skeptical as I am of pumping new main characters into an established series (and heaven help them if they had decided to axe Frank Black), I really like this Agent Hollis, so that's good. Also, I'm ecstatic, because I've been waiting all this time for the Millenium Group to become the enemy, and I think it finally has, so I'm excited. I hope they don't shy away from that.

The three seasons of this show are indeed unique to one another in their focus. For example, the first season deals with the violent crime aspect, while the second season explores the mythology of the Millenium Group and their prophecies, and I shall see what the third season is like, though I can already tell it's much different than the first two - without losing that "Milleniumistic" charm, of course. Initially, I thought it was Chris Carter's characteristic style of slow reveal (on The X-Files, "I don't even want to show the aliens until the fifth season" - paraphrase, from memory), which is great storytelling. But then I learned that Carter basically gave the show to his writers after the first season, and they're the ones responsible for its change of direction. Oh well, it still works out quite well, in this case.

We dyed Easter eggs last night. It's a fun little activity, I guess. I made some neat eggs: a green watermelon egg; one with a kitten face, inspired by Sasha; one with a really scary face; an orange jack-o-lantern egg; an egg that sort of looks tie-dyed; etc... The two best things about Easter are Cadbury Creme Eggs, and deviled eggs - I can't wait to have some deviled eggs. Oh, and peanut butter eggs (the Reese's kind). There's an awesome commercial (get it before it's gone) where a chocolate bunny kisses a jar of peanut butter to the tune of makeout music. Classic.

And now I have a headache from playing too much online Stratego. It was great fun, though.

Have a happy and moral Easter!

Journal 019

I guess it's been long enough since my Christmas haul, because I'm feeling that urge to discover new music again. I'm trying to hold back my spending of money on luxury items, considering that I don't have an income, and that this Burning Man thing looming on the horizon threatens to be an expensive chip in my pocket. But sometimes I just can't hold back.

I just got a few things, including a Muddy Waters anthology, a Freddie King DVD (spicy!), and Steamhammer's third album, Mountains. I was thinking about what I recently said about Steamhammer sort of being one of my underdog favorite bands, and since then every time a Steamhammer song comes on my playlist I've noticed how great it sounds. The atmosphere of it is incredible - the distinct vocals, the guitar tone - it not only stands apart from everything else in its neighborhood, but it has this ethereal quality that appeals to me...and even at the bottom line, it is what I love - guitar-driven blues-based-but-exploratory rock, and yet, as I already mentioned, it manages to stand out from every other band of that kind...

Mountains is hailed as Steamhammer's definitive effort. I don't completely agree, though there's still time for me to change my mind. However, if the second half was as strong as the first half, it would easily be true. The first track contains a mind-blowing guitar solo, and the second and third tracks actually constitute an awesome live blues jam (lasting over 15 minutes all told). The second half of the album is less outstanding, but I have yet to really get to know the songs. Still, the album is ultimately not any better than the band's first two amazing albums. After Mountains, there was some personnel change, then one last album recorded before disbanding (guitarist and new bass player heading off to form Armageddon) - that last album is considered disappointing by the author of the liner notes, and is indeed harder to get a hold of, but it apparently contains only three tracks, hinting at the band's seeming progression from blues to progressive rock, and it's certainly an album I'll have to hear some time in the future. For now, the three albums I have will serve well to place Steamhammer as one of my all-time favorite underdog bands - meaning that they are not only not as popular as the legends, but also have less material. Let's see, Cream and the Jimi Hendrix Experience, both legends, each had only a small handful of albums, and I think, despite those two bands' clout, I like Steamhammer more. Not that they're better in /all/ categories - I mean Hendrix and Clapton are both amazingly talented guitarists - but that they're closer to my heart. In the end, Steamhammer is more /me/ than either Cream or the Jimi Hendrix Experience have ever managed to be.

The Committee is a great film, although it's more of a surreal audiovisual exploration ("I may have cut my own head off and sewed it back on...") of the philosophical implications of certain aspects of society and their relation to individual psychology ("What is the difference between your relation to yourself in the future, and your relation to other people now?")...than an entertainment flick, and it does get pretty complicated and hard to iron out in places, but I love it. "In the womb, the individual thinks that he is the universe. When he is born, the first thing he understands is everywhere else - that he is /in/ the universe, that it was made for him. Then, he discovers other people." I'm only paraphrasing. And the scene where The Crazy World of Arthur Brown performs a song to an upscale party, complete with the torch-headdress...oh, it's great stuff. And Pink Floyd does the ambient soundtrack. Anyway, I watched that movie again recently, and it refueled my desire to hear more Crazy World of Arthur Brown - the last time I ordered the album, it never showed up. I'm hoping for better results this time...

I could easily spend hundreds of dollars or even pick out hundreds of titles of CD's to buy, but I have a lot more discretion than a certain someone else, whether for better or worse. In any case, discovering music is one of the excitements of life.

Switching gears, today's episode of Millenium (Somehow, Satan Got Behind Me) was rather humorous, in a morbidly funny sort of way. The whole episode was about four devils disguised as old men, sitting around a table at a donut shop in the wee hours of the morning, telling stories about their preferred methods of torturing mortals. It was great. Frank Black had only a tiny role in this particular episode, as he perchance encountered each of the four devils during the course of each of their stories, concerning them since Black, unlike most mortals, has the ability to see evil for what it truly is - in other words, he could tell they were devils and not old men. There was also a hilarious scene where a tormented censor board official broke onto the set of what was clearly the shooting of an episode of the X-Files, complete with Mulder and Scully stand-ins, about to do an alien autopsy before a couple of aliens with machine guns interrupt. I love the seriousness of this series, but it's nice to have an episode like this every once in awhile to make light of it all.

Speaking of episodes scarce on Frank Black, a couple days ago there was an episode where the character of Frank Black was completely absent! It was focused on Frank's wife Catherine and her interaction with Frank's now-and-then Millenium Group partner Lara Means. Considering not only the importance of Frank Black's character to the series, and how good a character Frank Black is (thanks in no small part to Lance Henriksen's portrayal), it's telling that this episode was so good even without him. I'm getting towards the end of the second season, and I suspect things are gonna heat up quick. The time is near.

Fantasy >>> Reality

Do I really want to talk about how I received instructions for enjoying Absinthe ("The Green Fairy") from the reporter(?) who covered the Open Stage last weekend? Do I really want to talk about how Stickman's bringing me in to record a track for the Coffee Den tribute album he's engineering? Do I really want to talk about how I received an offer to play lead guitar in a local band, but I'm too scared and lacking in confidence to even respond? Do I really want to talk about how much trouble I'm having trying to become a normal, to the point that I'm already prepared to give up? Do I really want to talk about how my eye is temporarily screwed up and it's made me pretty miserable the past few days? Do I really want to talk about how much it sucks only being able to see clearly for half a day, since my glasses are broken and there's no hope of getting new ones?

No, I'd rather talk about fantasy. About how, after a full year of procrastinating, with the advent of Holy Week (coincidentally, though), I've finally completed Purgatory and have entered Paradise, and am well on my way to the end of the journey, long as I keep it up for a little while longer. I really hope Milton's book is an easier read, though I suspect it will be. The worst part about Dante's composition is the history lessons. Not just a lesson, the book is a freaking course! I've already railed about that, though, so enough. Beatrice's presence is pretty inspiring.

I had a lab partner named Beatrice in physics class in high school once. I remember there were a lot of girls in that class, which was kind of nice. But now we're talking about reality again. And the reality is, my Beatrice will meet me in hell before she ever escorts me into heaven - and that's never gonna happen. I guess that's just a reflection of my soul...

Journal 018

Kind of getting bored of talking about myself, I guess. Especially when not much of particular excitement is happening. Maybe it's my old feelings pulling me back, but I also feel like not having to explain the "excruciating minutiae, of every, single, daily event". Or rather, not having to lay bare every impulse and activity I engage in. Partly because I just can't be bothered to exert the effort. One of those psych books I read kept stressing the importance of the observing self, but I can't formally evaluate every little thing that goes on in my life and mind.

My glasses finally broke yesterday. The lens can not be placed back in the frame with any tools that are available to me. So I'm kind of screwed. Luckily, I have my contacts, but the more/longer I wear them, the more they irritate me. I also have an older pair of glasses which is in good shape, but the prescription is prehistoric, and it doesn't fit terribly comfortably on my face these days, either. Basically, they increase my ability to see clearly from about 5 inches (without glasses) to about 11 inches (with the old pair). So I still have to sit up with my face practically against the monitor just to work at the computer. It's irritating.

It bugs me that despite having practically no responsibilities for nearly two full years, I still haven't had the chance to live exactly the way I'd like. That is, on a rolling schedule, where I wake up whenever the hell I want to, and with complete isolation, not interacting with another human being, in person, except when absolutely necessary, which I guess would mean every few weeks or so when I'd have to hit the store for stuff (assuming that I didn't bother going to the Open Stage, to avoid people).

I'm pretty good at isolating myself. I desire companionship, but I don't know how to deal with it, so when I get it, I want to get rid of it. Then I hole myself away so that people won't bother me. But then I sit there and ruminate on how lonely I am. But I can't deal with people, so there's no solution. And the more I hide myself away, the harder it gets to come out. The longer I go without needing to hit the store for some little thing, the harder it is to convince myself to get out there. I can't even stand the thought of going outside into the public market place in daylight. There's no way I'm gonna go and get myself a new pair of glasses anytime soon.

I don't want to die, but I wish I could just crawl into a hole somewhere and hide for a few years.

Journal 017

Last night was kind of damp, and it was raining off and on towards the morning. I remember lying in bed, thinking to myself it'll snow again before it starts to really get warm - it always does. Well, I wasn't anticipating it so soon, but I woke up today to yet another fresh layer of snowfall. I'm sure this won't be the last snowfall of the season, though I am already anticipating the soothing showers of spring.

It's surprising that Easter is so early this year - right on the tail of the vernal equinox. But it's convenient that it would decide to ride on the heel of the pagan festival of Ostara (or Eostar) - the celebration of said equinox. Still, I'm used to it being sometime in April, so this is a little unusual. And then St. Patrick's Day is like a week before Easter, which is ridiculous. Can't these people spread their holidays out a bit better? In general pagan observance, there are 8 significant celebratory dates spread fairly evenly throughout the year. Well, the only reason I'm complaining is that I have ideas for my music log to honor the various holidays, and *way* too many holy-themed songs to play before Easter.

And March is also a busy month for birthdays in this immediate family, involving both of my brothers' birthdays as well as my mother's birthday. Second only to the late January, early February stretch which holds my birthday, my dad's birthday, and, I believe, also my grandmother and uncle's birthdays. Anyhow, I hate the whole thing about gift-giving. Doing something nice for a person you care about is one thing, but being obligated to purchase some commercial commodity for a specific day, or face the risk of being ridiculed or even victimized, is another thing entirely. I mean, going out and celebrating is nice - you spend time with the people you care about, and that's the most important gift, right? I don't believe in cards either, though. It just seems such a phony way of showing appreciation. Here's a cheap item you're just gonna throw away after looking at, with artwork I didn't draw, and some nice words I didn't write, but it's the thought that counts, right? At any rate, my one brother just spent $400 on CD's - and he's trying to pursue an ascetic lifestyle, and my other brother has enough money to buy anything he could want that I would ever think of buying him, and I don't even know him that well anymore, and the interests he does have I'm clueless about - sports, mainly. So to me, it just seems kind of pointless. And yet, the pressure to perform remains. They both got me something for my birthday, so it'd be tantamount to a slap in the face if I didn't reciprocate.

Today's episode of Millenium (for me, anyway) was good. I think I'm more than halfway through the second season now. I was lamenting the fact that Frank's wife Catherine isn't in it as much now that they've split up after the events of the first season cliffhanger. She really is a good character. Not as good as Frank Black, of course, but still good, just what you would expect from the woman that would marry Frank. Although, their relations have been pretty frustrating, since they seem to be drifting apart for the wrong reasons. The Millenium Group itself is proving to become more interesting as the series continues on. Still lots of mystery there. I was excited about this episode, because for once there was some real tension developing between Frank and the group, and at this point, although for the whole time the group has been portrayed as the good side, I'm wondering if there's maybe something more sinister going on underneath it all than what one might expect. The episode itself was a rather interesting "Into The Wild"-ish story, about a kid who, before entering college, entered instead into the Alaskan wilderness to find a much more fulfilling life. I'm really enjoying this series.

Keeping on that thread, a couple days back I saw the Jose Chung episode of Millenium. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you're out of luck. But just like the rather unique and entertaining episode of The X-Files which features Jose Chung, there's a similar episode in Millenium. I love how the titles of these two episodes so perfectly and succinctly describe the basic theme of their respective series. For The X-Files, the Chung episode is titled "From Outer Space", and for Millenium, the episode is titled "Doomsday Defense". And really, that's what those two shows are all about!

Apparently, my dad's nickname among his buddies is/was at one time "Too Much". This is clearly reflected in the license plate he chose for the family van. Now, I don't know what earned him that nickname - although I can get a pretty good idea, judging from what I know of his personality, always taking on challenges and whatnot, and from *pieces* of stories from his younger days that have slipped out here and there - but recently I discovered an entirely different behavior of his that resembles that moniker. And it involves his cooking. Particularly when making sandwiches. They're always so huge, stuffed to the brim with ingredients, on huge buns, covered in grease. Personally, I think they're too masculine; I'd prefer a more feminine sandwich (if that makes any sense). But it's a matter of style, and at least the sandwiches are still usually good. But it's not just sandwiches. I enjoy the quesadillas he makes, but by god, they're like freaking overstuffed oreos or something (I'm sorry, I had a really hard time thinking of a good comparison). It's just that, the quesadillas I'm used to are mostly tortilla, with a nice hint of other ingredients inside, mostly chicken and cheese. But these ones my dad makes are truly beasts of the wild. And there's often huge portions, regardless of what's on the menu. My older brother eats a lot, but I'm on the other end of the spectrum, and I always feel pushed to eat more than I'd prefer, because you know, semiconsciously, I fear that not eating very much would give off the impression that I don't like the food or something, and I instinctively feel like that would be a personal attack against his hospitality. I know it's not a very reasonable reaction, but I can't help fearing that sort of outcome.

I was pretty tired last night, and I've noticed I've been getting to bed kind of late lately, and getting up at the last minute. I'd love to get to bed earlier, and last night I tried to. But god, I was exhausted, lying in bed, and what I really wanted was to just fall asleep, but something kept me up. Some nagging, restless feeling. I guess there's not much to say about it, I just can't get past the fact that when I have to get up, I'm tired enough to sleep for hours, yet when I go to bed, it's often an effort to cross that line into sleep mode. Why do I have to be sleepy when I have to get up, and not when my body needs to rest, and I want to go to bed? If only I could harness that power and apply it at the appropriate times. It's not like I'm never tired, that that energy's not there - it is, it's just not in the right place...

I finally finished reading the Rurouni Kenshin manga over the past few days. I had stopped at the end of the Kyoto Arc, and now I've finally read the (final) Jinchuu Arc. Very good. So that's where the stuff about Kenshin's past comes from - which is easily the best part of the animated series. I liked it a lot. Why does the ending have to be so depressing though? I mean, it's not like it's a particularly depressing ending. Ironically, I'd probably feel better if everybody died at the end - maybe that's why I like those tragedy endings better, because it's easier to say goodbye to a character when they've died and the world is destroyed, than simply walking away, knowing that their lives will go on, but that I won't be there to continue experiencing their pleasures and joys. It makes me feel sad, saying goodbye to those characters and their stories, and it makes me sad in real life, and I re-realize how lonely I am. And I think about my life, and I want to go out and have adventures, and make reality as interesting as fiction is. But it's not that interesting. And it's never that perfect or happy either. Still, even that intense feeling of nostalgia - whether it's for experiences you've had or only imagined - and that bittersweet, painful feeling of longing... I wouldn't give that up for anything. That feeling of being alive, and that desire to strive for more, to make an effort to try and relocate happiness, however futile the search may be. I just can't understand how anyone could treat life so lightly. But we don't all have the same experience of it, I fear.

I myself have questioned the merit of eliminating distractions. As much as I enjoy losing myself in fantasy lives, it keeps me away from my own, real life. I wonder if, I had nothing to do, at all, except lie in bed or strum the guitar or write stories from my own head, then maybe I'd strum the guitar and write stories from my own head more often. As long as I have a choice between doing those things, and doing something easier, with a more direct reciprocation of pleasure and satisfaction, I will almost always choose the easier path. I have this long list of things to do - largely, fantasy worlds to experience, in various forms - and I feel like I won't get anything really important done as long as those things are on the list. So I think about closing the list to new submissions, and burning through each item till it's empty. Then I could focus on what's important. But there are always new things, interesting things. What if I hadn't opened myself up to watching Berserk? There are a lot of things I enjoy, but I question how much impact they really have in my life, but a series like Berserk, I wouldn't want to live a life without having the experience of that series, given the choice. So if I close myself, what could I end up missing? Yet if I leave myself open, what important tasks in my life will I neglect? I have a really hard time balancing between the two, as I've explained. So I'm not sure where to go from here. But in the meantime, I still have that list of things that I intend to burn through.

Journal 016

I'm happy to report that I've gotten into the habit of playing DDR semi-daily. It feels good to get a workout, and I'm happy about the thought of getting into better shape. I've gotten to the point where I can start off on Standard, as long as I choose the easier songs, to get warmed up. I have to say, HVAM is every bit as good as it was back in the day, and it really stands out because it gives you a good stream, without a lot of tricks - just a steady, fast-paced workout. And, sweating feels so much better when you don't have clothes on that'll just get soaked and cling to your body. Bouncing around without support can be a little 'interesting', but I haven't found it to be a problem. Although, sometimes it can distract you and become quite a different kind of problem...

Yesterday the weather was relatively mild, which I think I mentioned in the last entry. I was expecting it to be warm, since the temperature was supposedly in the 50's, overnight, and my brother was sort of freaking out about how nice it was, but when I went out to investigate, all I felt was a rather chill breeze. It was nice, compared to the snowy weather we've been having, but not exactly 'comfortable', in my opinion. Which is a shame, because glancing out the blinds on the front door, I was actually getting an excited urge to try something I've never done before. Something very risky, but that I want to do really bad. It's simple, and there really shouldn't be any problem about it, but that's just not the way this society is. All I want to do is take a walk around the block without any clothes on. That's all.

Well, I thought the temperature might be a bit more bearable if I was a little warmed up, so I played DDR for awhile, and when I started getting hot, I felt the mood take me. I wasn't about to do the block thing, since right after thinking that, I saw a car pull into a driveway up the street, but instead, I grabbed my bokken and put on my sandals (since I figured the extra protection would be a good idea for jumping around, as opposed to simply walking around the yard - I wouldn't want to come down hard on a stick or a particularly sharp rock, and ruin all my fun) and I went outside. For once, I ignored whatever insecurities I might have about somebody just happening to be up and glancing out a window to see me, and I started swinging that bokken around, practicing the things I was taught, and imagining myself cutting down invisible enemies left, right, front, and back. It felt great. It was good practice, and it totally boosted my enthusiasm.

If only this sort of thing could be more accepted. I wouldn't have to continue feeling like I have to hide. I went outside again tonight, after tiring myself at DDR. It's colder out tonight, but after getting heated up from a good workout, going outside is one way to cool off quick. And from another perspective, heating up first is a great way to get yourself prepared to go out when the weather's colder. I was too tired to do more bokken practice today, and besides, I wasn't planning on staying out that long, but I wandered around the yard a bit, and enjoyed myself. The ground was damp and a bit muddy, and rather cold. My feet got chilled pretty quick, but instead of running for shelter, I sucked it up, and was able to endure it for quite awhile. Walking through the damp grass and mud actually felt kind of nice, despite my general hatred for dirt of any kind. I went around front, to the porch, and sat down for a brief moment. Then I walked to the front corner of the yard, circled the hydrant, then walked the length of the yard, out on the street past the curb, till I got past the van (parked at the end of the driveway), at which point I re-entered the yard and went toward the back, and around, back inside. Just like I did once before, which I may or may not have mentioned in an entry a while back. I may have left muddy footprints on any part of the pavement I walked on, but I don't really care; it was totally worth it.

Switching gears somewhat, I'm kind of proud of the nude photo I shot today for my project. It was a planned out concept that I think works fairly well. Basically, it's a variation on the three wise monkeys (see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil), which works as a bold statement about the supposed indecency of exposure, and various ideas about censorship. If you can get past the silliness of the idea, it's actually pretty meaningful, I'd like to think. Honestly, I don't know if anyone reading this blog also follows my Daily Nudes project, but if you don't, yet you're interested in seeing this particular shot, I'll spare you the search and give you the link right here - warning: obviously not safe for work, unless you have a cool job :p - (http://www.flickr.com/photos/zharth/2311426357/). Of course, you'll have to be logged in and have the SafeSearch off to see it. And, as always, it's completely up to you if you want to check it out, or not.

Journal 015

Okay, now for the stuff I /meant/ to talk about in my journal entry last night...

I've gotten into the habit of briefly opening the window in the bathroom when I go in to take my shower, after getting out of bed every evening. The reason is so that I can see the landscape, in the light of day, since on my schedule, I very rarely get to see the outside world in daylight. It's great just to be able to actually see the world, instead of just darkness, and in an instant I can tell what the temperature is and what the weather is like for that day. The past week or so it's been pretty snowy, but last night it was unexpectedly mild (on a relative scale, of course). When I looked out the window today, before my shower, all the snow had been completely melted away. God, I can't wait for spring. As much as I love the snow, I want warmer weather already.

Oh, another nice thing about looking out that window, is that, because it's pretty small, you always get the same viewpoint on the world every day, and it's facing west, and by the time I get up, the sun is usually not too far above the horizon (depending on the season, of course), SOOOOO, it's cool to notice how the sun's position on the horizon, and in relation to specific trees and houses in the foreground, changes over the year, moving north in the spring, and south in the fall. That kind of practical astronomical sort of thing fascinates me, which isn't surprising, considering my interest in nature-based pagan spirituality.

Last night I watched a video of a live concert for a Japanese pop group, AKB48, which consists of a bunch of cute Japanese girls, most of which (I believe) are aged in the teens. I'm not gonna bother with an anthropological discussion of modern pop trends in Japan, so if you want some kind of explanation or something, have fun. My friend, who currently lives in Japan, sent me the video, and he's the one who introduced me to the group. Back when we were in college, he introduced me to a similar group, Morning Musume, and we watched a bunch of their videos, and I know I was pretty hooked for a bit. The basic appeal is cute girls dancing around in sexy costumes while singing happy songs. More or less. And although I still prefer the aesthetic of 'white' girls, I've learned over time to appreciate Asian beauty.

The AKB48 video was pretty good. The costumes were impressive. For the first few songs, they had layered outfits, and after each song, they'd instantly peel off the outer layer to reveal a different outfit underneath. It's quite a shocking effect, and it's amazing that they can pull it off; having costumes under costumes, and managing to make them all look fantastic. Then, throughout the show, different sets of girls come in with all kinds of different elaborate costumes. The number with the girls in skeleton dresses was incredibly adorable. I was a little disappointed that they did the song "Skirt, Hirari" in shorts, since one of the major appeals of the song (for me, anyway) is the way they sort of flip their skirt throughout the song. Even without skirts, they were still pretty hot, so I think I can forgive them. I also enjoyed "Seifuku ga Jama wo Suru", which is an amazing song which basically translates to "My School Uniform's Getting In The Way", and involves the girls singing lines like "take off my uniform", "I want to be loved more freely", and such. Personally, it's just more attractive than when some American slut does the same. Different cultural backdrop and whatnot. I'm a sucker for seifuku, anyway.

I guess most fans who get into these Japanese pop groups have a favorite girl (or maybe more than one). I have to admit, ever since the first AKB48 video I watched, there was one girl in particular that stood out from the crowd. Doing some quick research, I find that her name is Kojima Haruna. There aren't a lot of people in my life, the way things are now, and that means there aren't a lot of girls, either. As pathetic as it may sound, I've learned to love two-dimensional animated characters. But unlike some point-of-no-return otaku freaks (and I use that term endearingly), I haven't forsaken my love for three-dimensional girls...yet. Honestly, I'm not too worried about that, but I do like to sympathize with people who get obsessed with fictional characters, because, although there are lines that shouldn't be crossed, there are also certain levels to which we should have no fear of going. In the past, I've argued the merits of having affection for fictional characters, and what bugs me is people who say that there's absolutely no reason to waste emotion on an imaginary person. As far as I'm concerned, the person who says that either has absolutely no imagination, or empathy, or could do with a little less real-world popularity and attention - since he's probably hogging it all, keeping people like us from getting the attention we need.

Well, speaking of pop idols, I was at Wal-Mart last night, and seriously, you can't turn around without finding yourself face-to-face with some kind of Hannah Montana merchandise. It's really getting out of hand. Damn mainstream American pop aesthetic. Give me a cute Japanese chick any day of the week. I've noticed recently that Wal-Mart has been shipping in tasty bakery-style Pepperoni rolls, and it's always a treat having one of those, although sometimes there's less pepperoni than I'd like. I at least looked for a replacement bulb for my reading/heat lamp, but I didn't see the right kind. I probably have to go to some hardware store or something for that, and I don't see that happening any time soon...

Hm, I just remembered that I completely fell behind on my music log last night, and that I still need to catch up. Time has run out, and I'm still not 100% sure of this week's theme. I'm trying to plan ahead for the upcoming holidays. Themes for Easter, and the Vernal Equinox, and eventually Beltane, and all that. Is anybody even keeping up with the ZML? I don't wanna pester people and forcefully remind them to take a look, because that's not the kind of person I am, but I get the feeling that most of the time I'm only doing this for myself. And although I'm more or less okay with that, for the time being, I was hoping that maybe there'd be /some/ kind of discussion about it. I know I took down the comment form, because nobody was using it, but I recently added a link to a discussion on my personal message board, which has been out of use for so long. I figured it was the perfect solution, and I can't believe I didn't think of it before I went to the trouble to program a comment form that ended up being unnecessary.

I know it's a lot to ask people to bear with my specific taste in music, but I've had experience as a DJ, and I'd just like to think that there are people out there that not only respect my services, but are interested /enough/ to at least get involved. I don't mind if somebody thinks a song sucks here or there. And besides, if there's something specific you'd like to hear, I've always been open to suggestions. Granted, I'm still in the captain's seat, but I like to take care of my listeners, when reasonable, and it'd be a good way for our musical tastes to interact, and we may both learn something at the end of the day.

All I'm trying to say is, playing music for people isn't a one way street. But I'll admit, I'm also afraid of the kind of exposure I'd like to have. I think that's a common thread in my life.

Journal 014

Seriously, where did three days go?

Story time!

I learned how to add notes to photos in flickr today. Not that there's much to learn, although it was being buggy in Opera, so I ended up doing it in IE to make sure it would work right. But it's the first time I've ever actually added notes to a photo. Today's nude is a little more mundane than average, I think, but there's a neat little trick to it that wasn't actually inspired by, but perfectly mirrors in hindsight, the gimmick on the cover of Pink Floyd's experimental double album Ummagumma. I wonder how many of the few people that even see the photo will get the connection... I figured it was best to leave it a mystery and let the knowledgeable figure it out for themselves.

I know I already said that I didn't care /what/ people did as a result of seeing my nude photos, as long as it doesn't bother me - and I stand by that - but still, I'd like to hope that in the long run, my work receives more interest from artists, and actual nudists, than perverts. Not that I have a particular problem with the perverts, but it's just not the kind of people I'm looking to have a connection with. Hell, I'd love it if even just a woman got a kick out of my photos, regardless of intentions, but as far as I know (and I could be wrong), women, on average, aren't nearly as interested in seeing men naked as (straight) men are in seeing women naked. So where does that leave me? If you see naked men on the internet, what's your first assumption?

I'm 100% straight, and I'll admit I have homophobic tendencies. Though I'm straight, I'm not narrow-minded; I have no problem with other people who choose different ways to live their lives. What I /do/ have a problem with is largely a matter of image. The superficial argument goes something like this: I have enough trouble meeting girls as it is, I can't afford to let anyone have even the slightest doubt about my orientation. Then again, if you think about how much girls fawn over the gay guy, it seems like it'd be a nice way to weasel their affections, and in this bi-curious modern era, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to "suddenly" expand your horizons, fulfilling your girlfriends' forbidden dreams, which is secretly what you were trying to do in the first place!

Well, I'm not deceptive enough to try a thing like that. But furthermore, there is a more fundamental problem I have with the idea of guy-on-guy relations. Again, I make it a point not to judge others based on my own beliefs and opinions, but that sort of thing just isn't for me. Sure, I have no problem with the idea of girl-on-girl relations, but before you call me a hypocrite - the important point here is that I love women, and that I don't love men. So as long as the subject of loving is women, I'm happy, regardless of who's giving the love, and if the subject becomes men, then I'm hightailing it out of there.

Now, once upon a time, an interesting question was raised by someone in my presence. If you find yourself sexy, does that make you gay (or bi, I suppose)? My immediate answer to the question was no, of course not, that's something completely different. And that's precisely what I believe. I'll admit it, I have narcissistic tendencies. Some people dread looking at their reflection in the mirror. You know what? I actually enjoy having mirrors sitting around my room, so I can look at myself every time I cross the room and whatnot. Especially when I'm naked. I find myself to be fairly sexy. Does that mean I'm attracted to guys? No way. It's just completely different when it's yourself. When I look in the mirror, oddly, I don't see a guy, I see me.

On the one hand, I feel like this is something that's kind of hard to explain. On the other hand, I suspect that maybe other people understand and perhaps experience it themselves more than I might expect. At any rate, the bottom line is that I can enjoy looking at pictures of myself nude, but I have very little interest in looking at pictures of any other guy nude - that "little" constituting my interest in a purely artistic representation of the male body, or certain nudist pictures where the focus isn't on the body specifically, but on the /idea/ of being nude, which I can sympathize with.

As far as I am concerned with people, which isn't a whole lot, I could do without them mostly. People make me very anxious, and I would live a much more peaceful and relaxed life without them. Granted, they're pretty much essential to living a full life in this day and age, and that anxiety is one of the things I'm trying to work against. But I'm doubtful about just how much I can fix. I have a great family, and at least one of my two brothers I'm pretty close with (even though it gets frustrating sometimes). I have a better friend than I could have ever predicted that I'd have, which is great, because without him, I'd probably be a full-blown shut-in, with no contact with people whatsoever, one of those hikikomori cases you hear about in the news (if you live in Japan, I guess).

So at this stage, although I like the idea of finding people to hang out with who share my interests (especially considering that the friend I mentioned above is currently living out-of-country), I'm pretty confident that the anxiety and effort of meeting and knowing those people wouldn't be worth it, and I have little motivation to add any new people into my life. Still, I'm always looking for a potential soulmate. Even if I sincerely doubt my chances of ever finding someone who could possibly meet my standards, I'm still not about to give up. And even though I don't even meet people, and I don't hang out with people, I'm still open to the idea that some day, some way, there /could/ be a person to fill that space that I'd love to have filled.

I guess it's kind of pathetic. I mean, what are the chances of me finding someone who is both an attractive female, /and/ shares my interests? If we talk about nudism alone, most of the vocal nudist population I've been exposed to is male, and middle-aged. And nudism is only one of the interests I have that is far out of the mainstream. I can't even find a way to live in this mainstream world, I certainly can't have anything to do with mainstream people. But it's hard to find radicals. First of all, they're a minority, so there's less of them. Plus, there're so many different kinds of radicals, it's impossible to find the type you want. You find the wrong type of radical, and yeah, they might be just as anti-mainstream as you are, but they might have wild beliefs and opinions that run drastically counter to your own. And that ain't gonna work. It's like the world is saying, "step into the mold, or fend for yourself." And I couldn't fit into the mold if I wanted to try.

Well, this has been interesting. I almost dread what a certain reader might say in response. We share a lot of the same ideas about things, but our philosophies diverge considerably at some point. I feel like he's trying to push me to adopt his outlook, and it's not going to happen. Then again, I reluctantly find myself trying to force him to see some of the things I see, and that's not going to happen, either. He chooses anger; I'm content to live with sadness. That's the difference between metal and blues, anyway. I don't care if everything sucks, it's still infinity times better than nothing. And just because there's no logic in god, that doesn't mean there isn't any logic in life, or love. Maybe it is all based on gut feelings, in the end. I feel enlightened because I'm not infected with god. Maybe he feels enlightened because he's not infected with life or love, beyond what's forced upon him. Still, even though I have no love lost for god, I wouldn't give up life or love for anything in the world. And that's who I am.

This is who we are.

The time is near.

790 days remaining.

Journal 013

(This entry was originally written by hand last night, while lying in bed.)

Why is it that the more tired I am, the harder it is to get to sleep? What is up with that? My mind goes into overload and my body starts shutting down, but my mind refuses to relax. So I can't stay up, but I can't go to sleep either. Maybe it has to do with having an obsessive personality. I get caught up in something, and I can't focus on anything else. That's why it's hard for me to multitask. Like lately, I've been absorbed in flickr culture, and I have to struggle to force myself to do something else. Because I get in the zone and I wanna ride it out. If I split my concentration, my involvement and ability in any one task will be reduced in power.

I've kind of dropped my post average lately. Partly because I'm doing the same things. How many times should I come on here and say "I'm still looking at nude photos on flickr"? Still, moods change and thoughts come and go and it's good to keep up to base. Or something.

Well, for today (last night?)'s Daily Nude, I accomplished my snow challenge - diving into a snowdrift, completely naked. And, with photographic proof! Oh, it was quite exciting. I planned the shot meticulously before going out, because I knew the cold would not allow for any mistakes. I ended up setting up the camera on the back porch, on top of an old, sturdy clothes hamper for extra height, looking down at the backyard. Soon as the shot was set, I cued the camera, then rushed down the steps (nearly tripping), and laid back into the snow. I grabbed the camera as I rushed back inside to dry off, and discovered that I had positioned myself too far away, outside the range of the camera's flash! So much for not making any mistakes...

Well, I wasn't *too* chilled, and was instead quite thrilled by the experience, so I knew I had to give it one more shot - but just one. I reset everything, and did it again. When I got down in the snow, knowing this was the shot, I wanted to make the most of it, so I tossed some snow over my body just for the sake of going the extra distance. By the time the flash went off, I was anxious to get up. Again, I grabbed the camera on the way in, but this time, I was even more thoroughly wet and chilled.

Giving the camera some time to dry, I only half dried myself off before rushing upstairs into the shower to soak in a cascade of warm water for five minutes or so. Pleasantly refreshed, and warm, I went back down and checked the camera. The shot was a success! Admittedly, it's not exactly the most flattering angle, but considering the circumstances, I'm quite pleased.

Back online, I made the decision to upgrade to a pro account on flickr, after realizing it was a meager $25 for a full year, and mostly for the ability to better organize my photos. While re-organizing my webcam nudes from college, I yet again decided to throw a few more up on there that I had glossed over earlier. I'm gaining a little bit of confidence. Nude, and proud.

Oh, and I did in fact find a group for 365 nudes - two, actually. But here's the problem. One of them is a splinter group from the main 365 group, and despite being a haven for 365 rejects, I still think I'd be too radical to fit in - there seems to be a bias against genitals, for one thing. Now, I don't see much merit in any of those ridiculous cock shots - I understand the curiosity factor, and I've taken some of my own, but never have I considered them to be of any level of worth that I'd want to show them off (seriously, a guy is more than just a penis...) - but, there's a world of difference between a nude (artistic, erotic, or otherwise) showing the genitals (in context), and a shameless dick pic - and I'm against censorship.

Well, the other group I mentioned seems perfect, except for the fact that it's a ghost town, with few members, very few photos in the pool, and *no* activity. And I don't feel comfortable either sabotaging the group, or being the only contributor. I guess there just isn't that much interest in this aspect as I'd like. I like to sit right on the line between art and porn. Artists are afraid to get too close to pornography, and pornographers have agendas which have little or nothing to do with art. But the line can be a beautiful place - stimulating, yet meaningful. But so many people are afraid of getting shot if they get too close to the border. Either that, or they don't have the skill to walk the line. But now I'm just stroking my own ego...

Journal 012

It's been a little while since I did a straight journal entry, I guess. I've been spending most of my time lately between playing with photography, and catching up on various anime and manga series. This weekend I finished the first season of Millenium - great show. I look forward to watching the next two seasons. Wow, that was sad what happened to Bletch... I also caught back up on watching the new Zetsubou series. I thought it was gonna be like a totally different retelling or something, but it appears to mostly be more of the same (meaning still good). I also read a manga called Blame!, which was a pretty cool atmospheric, post-apocalyptic in tone, mellow story. Lots of atmosphere; the story takes place in this endless space of mechanical jungle that expands in every direction, much of which is uninhabited. Very interesting.

I've been having fun with the nude photography so far. I'm getting used to shooting for a single shot a day, and I'm starting to realize that I'm not using my batteries as quickly as I'm recharging them - which is a good thing. But it can still get confusing when it comes down to keeping track of which batteries I've used and which ones I've just recharged, since I have six. I think two might be a little more dead than the rest, and I'd be inclined to maybe get rid of them, if I could figure out for sure which ones they were... I've considered getting a new charger, since I read about one that's supposed to be real good, that charges in three hours (as opposed to eight), and is still only twenty bucks. I'll look next time I'm in a store, and see how things turn out. I'm loving the tripod, but one thing about it that irritates me is the fact that when I turn the camera on its side, to take a vertically-oriented picture, the one tripod leg gets in the way of the camera and I can't get it to line up right, so I have to end up taking a diagonal picture. Even if I try to adjust the individual lengths of the legs to change the angle, they're not sturdy enough to stay in place. So for now, that's an irritation, but it's something I've been working around.

I'm still looking through a lot of interesting photos on Flickr, and I get understandably excited when the numbers of views on my own photos go up. I'd love to have a little more feedback on what I'm doing, but I'm a little cautious about advertising myself, and there's always the question of what *kind* of people I want to have evaluating my efforts. I decided not to be a part of the official 365 Days group, primarily for the reason that I anticipate a number of my photos would likely be considered 'across the border'. Basically, it's a reflection of my placement outside of the accepted community of normals. I understand that I'm different, and I want to celebrate it, but I fear the distinctions people would make between me and them, and the way I'd potentially be ostracized and ridiculed for who I am.

In other news, the fam went out to dinner today. The restaurant we went to changed their menu a bit since the last time I remember eating there. There was no chicken fajitas, which I remember enjoying, and there was no awesome S'mores dessert, either. I ended up having chicken tenders instead (boring, I know, but they were pretty good), and some chocolate banana bread pudding that was so-so. Oh, I also had the baked potato soup, which was not bad. I like a good soup, but most soups just aren't my kind of flavor. So it's nice to find/know of one that I like. The waitress we had looked very familiar - I'm sure I must have had some class with her in high school. Of course I didn't say anything, because it's not like I was ever friends with her. I probably never even spoke to her, and there's no reason to break that streak now.

For my book-reading progress, I took a break after I got halfway through the third of my self-helpish books, since that's when my reading lamp bulb broke, and I still have yet to replace it. Maybe the rest of that book will provide some more ideas, but I'm still at a loss. I question how much of my inability to cope with society is because of my uniquity, and how much is because of my fears. I like to place a healthy share of the blame on the fact that I'm different, and that I'm just not programmed to work as a part of this machine. But maybe I'm just avoiding the real issue. If I could conquer my fears, maybe it would be possible to actually do something with my uniquity. Like, maybe I'd actually find someone to play guitar with, or maybe I'd find a way to make a living as a photographer, or perhaps a model. Or maybe I'd actually be able to get some kind of job as a DJ, or work in a music store, or something like that. The bottom line is, there are actions I could be taking that I'm not taking, and the reason I'm not taking them is because I'm afraid. And that fear is something that's been ingrained into my behavioral and cognitive processes for a good 24 years. So I'm still trying to figure out what to do (what I *can* do) about it.

Journal 011

I got to bed at a decent time last night; I was actually in bed before 7, and the difference showed, as I felt a whole lot better about getting up at 5 than I have been lately, even if I was still not exactly jumping out of bed by that time. Temperatures seem to have gotten colder since that short mild span, not that I've really been outside much. Though I just peeked out the window, and it looks like a light layering of snow fell at some point during the night. From what I can see in the darkness, there's a nice wintry wonderland look to the air, even if the snow is only light, and the roads slick instead of powdered.

I read an article on Cloverfield in Fangoria, and the more I read/hear about the movie, the more I get the impression it's something I gotta see. It's only been out 3 weeks, but I'm surprised it's still showing in the first-run theaters. That goes to show both how jaded I am by the theater business, and how well the movie seems to be doing. At any rate, I've got myself into the mood, now that I know what the movie's gonna be like, and that I have a good feeling it'll be worth the effort, so I'm thinking about catching it soon before that mood fades.

My Dreaded Lord Taskgiver has been dumping some really good manga series on me lately. He persuaded me to read Kurozuka, a 10 volume series about a couple of immortals and their adventures through time. It was really good. He also put me in connection with the Sailor Moon manga series, which I am excited about, since I'm a pretty big fan of the Sailor Moon anime series, considering that it was one of the first series that got me hooked. I've read the first two parts (up through Sailor Moon R), and it's been very good. Some interesting differences in the storyline than what I'm familiar with, but nothing too drastic, as far as I can remember. And then there's a series called Blame!, which I haven't looked at yet, but from the descriptions I'm getting, it sounds interesting.

So I'm running out of space on my hard drives. I finally went through with uninstalling Tomb Raider Anniversary on my C drive, a little while ago. That freed up a whole 4 gigs or more (man, it was a huge game). And my D drive is right about at its max. So I've actually been putting those manga series on my C drive temporarily, until I free up some space on D. To do that, I considered what would be the best way to make some space fast, and I realized I had a few entire anime series sitting on my drive, just waiting to be archived on DVD, after I get around to watching them. So of the three I have in full, I decided I'd watch Negima real quick, so I could move it off. I watched half of it today (13 episodes), and I'm really enjoying it. So many adorable characters. I counted 31 in the class, from the scenes in the opening animation. And it doesn't really feel like a repeat of Love Hina, which is something I was a little afraid of.

Interestingly, the episode of Millenium I watched today had a similar theme to M. Night Shyamalan's The Village - with a gated community of people who feel immune to the evils of society, only to find that the evil exists even within their ranks. Afterward, I happened to catch an episode of Modern Marvels on the History Channel, purely by chance. It was about 90's technology, and the roots of the high-tech digital world we live in today. There was lots of interesting information about the internet, including the launching of Google and Amazon, and stuff on the development of cell phones, digital cameras, and GPS devices. And - my favorite part - they talked about the advent of FPS PC games, and not only mentioned Doom, but the Doom modding community! It was so awesome to hear them talk about that, even if just briefly, on television!!

I had an idea about this RPM Challenge. I thought about, instead of doing the ambient thing, I could actually try to do another album I've been planning for a while - Amusement Fair. For that album, I have a bunch of pre-written poems selected, and what I have to do is just turn them into songs. It would restore the whole song-crafting business that was lacking from my other project idea, and it would be a good excuse to do something I've been meaning to do. But I looked at it today, and I have to say, I've become discouraged. I realize that I really don't have much interest in being a songwriter. I don't really care about writing songs, so much. I just want to play them. So I dunno what's gonna happen. Tomorrow's yet another Open Stage, and I suppose it'll be exactly like the last however many since I've been doing the 'madness' thing. Maybe it's just a passing mood, but I don't have much confidence in being able to reach my dreams right now...

Journal 010

Unfortunately, I haven't done too much to take advantage of it, but the weather's been mild the past two days or so. Though it's also been kind of rainy/windy. The temperatures are up in the 50's though, even overnight, which is nice for drab February. Last night the garbage was out, so I made a point to finally take out those boards from the collapsed VHS tower. It was the middle of the night, of course, and I was most certainly naked, but I took them all the way out to the curb. I also took a bag out tonight, to the side of the house. In related news, I got the new wall decoration I ordered recently just the other day. It's an official-looking "Clothing Optional Beyond This Point" sign, and I think it's totally cool. There were three kinds, indicating either Florida, California, or Hawaii State Beaches at the bottom, and though I could have easily taken California, I went with Hawaii since you can't go wrong with tropical islands.

My brother convinced me to aid him in satisfying his craving for Wendy's tonight, before the drive-through closed at 1am. We ordered and ate in the parking lot (in the van, of course). They were out of frosties, surprisingly. They had chicken nuggets, but they weren't as good as the old chicken tenders they used to have... The fries weren't the best fast food fries I've ever had, either. But hey, it is what it is. I made a point to stop at Giant Eagle before going home, because I needed to restock my supply of cotton swabs. I also picked up the latest issue of Fangoria. I wonder if it's really popular or something, because sometimes I go and I just don't see it there, and today, the issue I grabbed was the last one.

I haven't read any of it yet, but flipping through, I saw an ad for The Poughkeepsie Tapes, an upcoming horror mockumentary (?) supposedly scheduled to open this Friday. However, reports on its opening date are mixed, and there's some evidence that the 2/08/08 date has been bumped. Right now I'm not exactly sure when the movie will be released, whether it will be in a couple days, or not until the end of the year - or anytime else - but I am looking forward to seeing it. Basically, from what I've seen of the trailer, it's supposed to be a faux documentary of a serial killer who left behind tons of video tapes of his crimes. Not surprising that certain people would get upset about it, but I have to admit I'm very intrigued by it. The whole dark side of mankind idea, and gazing into the abyss, and all that. I'm a horror fan, and it's probably not surprising that I have an interest in serial killers and things like that. It's not terribly easy to talk about, casually, because people have a tendency to assume that if you're interested in that stuff, then you're automatically predisposed to partake in it. Well, I hope you can guess what I think of that mindset. Watching Millenium sort of gives me the idea that it might be cool to be an investigator of violent crimes or something, since I feel like I could sympathize with these criminals, while not actually condoning their behavior. Getting into the mind of the killer in a way. Though without Frank Blank's special skill. It'd probably be completely different to be exposed to that sort of thing in real life, though. I mean, I don't mind the gore in a horror flick at all, but, ironically, when it comes to real life, I get queasy at the mere sight of blood. Just one of those things...

I've already fully accepted the fact that I belong on the lunatic fringe of society. If I do ever have a place in the mainstream, it can only be a cover. But that doesn't make me bad or evil or uncivilized or anything like that. I'm simply different. My standards and morals and values don't necessarily match up with the average. It's a shame because it makes things rather difficult for me. I'm a victim of space and time. But on the other hand, I value my uniqueness, and my unconventional opinions. It takes all kinds. I just hope I can find *some* place for myself in this world...

I finished Dying Of Embarrassment in two sittings. More of the same. Plenty of good information, but it still comes down to the question of making an active effort. And desensitization. If I felt okay about willfully entering these situations, even just enough to overcome my fear of them, then my problem would have been long gone by now. Although I'm still hoping for a miracle (read: knight in shining armor), I've already come to the conclusion that there's very little chance of me overcoming my problems on my own. Yet, getting professional help is incomprehensible to me. It doesn't help that in that section in the book, their best advice is to "ask questions". Yeah, the hardest possible thing for me to do. Even if I knew what I was getting into. Ideally, I think everyone should have a personal guardian (angel, perhaps?) that guides them through life. Of course, that would be impossible, because there are few if any people actually qualified to do a good job of that, and they'd have to be so dedicated to their case that they could only handle one person at a time (and then who would handle them?). Well, there's another piece of proof that 'God' doesn't exist. No guardian angels. Fuck you, god.

RPM Challenge is, well, *is*. I guess I'm coming up with some stuff. Still plenty of time to play around and put things together, I guess. If anything, it's been a pretty good excuse for me to pick up the guitar and play. Although it's easy to get distracted playing through all the riffs/songs I know, not that that's altogether a bad thing. I figure I should learn the songs in that Blues Guitar Bible I have, because they're great blues songs that I would kill to have in my repertoire. The only thing stopping me is the effort. Freddie King's I'm Tore Down is in there, and I started trying to play it last night. Awesome short little opening lick that totally sounds like a Freddie King lick. But golly, knowing which notes to play isn't enough. You have to know *how* to play them to make them sound good, the way Freddie does instinctively, and then you gotta practice them enough that you can nail them on the fly. Think of the effort, and that's just the first few seconds of the song! But I want more than anything to be able to play that song start to finish with all of Freddie's stingin' licks. UuuuUuuUUuuuUUuuggghhhh... Why can't I have been born with an indomitable work ethic?

Journal 009

Might as well right now get over the 'fear' of posting two Journal entries (or more?) in a row.

Today was the Superbowl. I actually feel kind of guilty mentioning it, because on the scale of football fandom (or fandom of sports of any kind), I'm located on the extreme with the people who could miss the Superbowl without realizing it - or caring. And I feel like acknowledging it automatically puts me in the group of casual fans who do care a little bit about the game. Well, there are two factors which brought the game to my attention this year. First of all, my dad's a huge football fan; he had no big Superbowl party to go to this year; and kickoff was during dinner - so there was no way I could have not been exposed. And secondly, Tom Petty was playing the half-time show, and I wanted to see that. So, since it was there, I decided to watch for the commercials, too, like any other non-fan would do. Nothing too mind-blowing, but you can tell that the stakes are higher - I know it wouldn't make sense financially and all that, but why can't advertisers be at the top of their game for regular commercials? Maybe then, people wouldn't hate commercial breaks so much...

Anyway, Petty's performance was, I'd say, par for the course. Pretty much what you'd expect from Petty playin' the Superbowl. I think I enjoyed the Stones' gig more, a couple years ago, but for a mainstream gig like this, they could do a lot worse than Petty (and truth be told, most of the years it *is* not even worth watching). The amount of sparkle throughout the stadium was pretty impressive. The songs Petty played were American Girl, I Won't Back Down, Free Fallin', and Runnin' Down A Dream. It's not surprising he'd play well-known songs - I mean, you might as well take advantage of that huge audience, and play songs they're gonna be able to sing along with. And besides, Petty doesn't seem like the type to pull out "artist's choice" on an important gig like playing at the Superbowl. I do like the spirit of adventurism in an artist, though, and I hope the rumours about Petty being looser with his setlists on the upcoming tour are true. I've seen him twice already, in 2005 and 2006, with 60% of his playlist repeated. Actually 60% sounds like a lot less than I was expecting.

It's 3 days into February, and I've already managed to slack off one day on my RPM Challenge efforts. But, having played guitar 2 out of 3 days is already a much better average than I've been pulling. I've been playing with both Meddle and Jabberwock, seeing what kind of sounds I can coax out of them - very preliminary stuff. Before a couple days ago, I actually hadn't played Jabberwock in a while, since I've been doing this madness stuff on Meddle. Picking Jabberwock up again, I was immediately reminded of - and impressed by - its bite. Meddle is still better with controlling the feedback, and for sensual tones, but Jabberwock's got the crunch. I'd have to say that Meddle is my blues guitar while Jabberwock is my rock guitar (I'd even say metal, except that I don't play metal). Still though, the bow effect only really works on Jabberwock. So it's looking like I'll definitely be using both guitars in this project. I might have to break and switch, but I think I might try to work out a system where I have both plugged in, and I can sit one down and let it humbuzz while I pick up the other one, turn the volume up, and continue on. Still lots of work to be done.

I was thinking about my project - what the idea behind it will be, what to name the pieces of the composition (because this sort of thing is a lot easier, and at least as fun as, the actual playing and composing) - and I thought that, since the name of my project is already Eight of Swords, I could break it into eight pieces, each named after a famous sword! So then I thought about what famous legendary swords I knew about, and I immediately came up with Excalibur and Masamune. But then I got stuck. What other famous, named swords are there? I thought about picking out swords from Final Fantasy games, but I definitely wanted my project to have a more 'myths and legends' than 'gamer geek' feel. Then I questioned whether I wanted to use supposed real historical swords of legend, or ones from fictional stories as well. But then, there are so many swords, and they each have their own place, how can I extract them like that, for my purposes? I'll obviously be biased toward the swords I've been exposed to.

There's something very appealing to me about the way that the Final Fantasy games have consolidated so much mythology from many different cultures and adopted it for their own purposes. It's a learning tool - a springboard for research. But something about taking those ideas and restructuring them to fit into a new framework... Okay, I'm bordering on ideas and feelings that I really can't explain in words, here. I believe I have mentioned that I've been working on devising my own RPG - dragonfaith (in my To Do List entry). Well, I think about these kinds of things. Consolidating ideas, and creating my own. And when it comes to naming things, even the coolest names from past mythologies often turn out to be pretty straightforward - oh, it's just "fire-sword" in Latin! So, if you call something Firesword now, it might sound pretty stupid, but it could be awesome in a thousand years when everybody's speaking Esperanto! Anyway, I guess the point is, I start thinking about whether there would be more worth in stealing other people's swords, or creating my own. Although, the benefit of stealing other swords is that people know them already. And that was the original point.

I searched Wikipedia for a list of swords. If you've ever surfed Wikipedia, you know how easy it is to get off on tangents. I ended up reading about lightsaber combat and Sith lords...

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. I have no idea what the groundhog did. But I watched Groundhog Day. Very profound movie. A lot more serious than the other two Bill Murray flicks I watched the day before - Stripes, and Ghostbusters. The 80's is an interesting beast. I have an inescapable connection to it, since I was born in the 80's, although I'm probably more a 90's kid, then again those early years were the formative years, weren't they? Anyhow, although the 80's is incredibly lame in almost every aspect, there's a weird appeal to it. It has nothing to do with the music - I think the music is crap. And I don't really respect the fashion, but the fashion has a lot to do with this feeling. Like, when I watch an 80's movie - for example, there were some good slashers in the 80's - there's just something about the whole aura of it that seems so innocent, and so upbeat. Even when talking about slashers. I don't know, it's really weird. There was a movie on TV months ago that I ended up seeing, starring Madonna. It was Desperately Seeking Susan. I'd be hard-pressed to call it a great movie, yet I had fun watching it. I'm tempted to say that there are some unconscious feelings going on relating to that "total 80's chick" (if you remember my Girls entry) that babysat me and my older brother during the 80's. That wouldn't surprise me.

But honestly, don't expect me to be caught dead going to an 80's themed party or going to see an 80's cover band. I think it's stupid how much people glorify the 80's. I think Satanic is definitely on to something with his philosophy about Sting, The Police, and Hip To Be Square.

Went to Wal-Mart last night. I looked through the "outdoors section", just scouting out possible camping-related items for Burning Man. I've been meaning to make up a shopping list, even just a preliminary one to start with. I also saw some bikes at the mart, but I dunno if they were kid's bikes or what. I definitely feel good about getting a bike. Even if it wasn't for Burning Man, I haven't ridden a bike in probably ten years, but everytime I think about it, I feel like it would be a lot of fun. And an excuse to get exercise, too. Like walking, but a little bit more exhilarating, and you could go a lot farther in the same amount of time, see different sights. I dunno if there's a trick to getting a bike, I just want one that's cheap, and comfortable (and that doesn't break down).

Bought myself a giant Reese's chocolate peanut butter heart from the Valentine's Day aisles. Nearly overdosed on that thing. I came to the realization that, although Valentine's Day is kind of depressing when you're alone, the major advantage is that you're free from the stress of having to impress your girlfriend. And boy is that a relief. I mean, I guess the effort is worth it if you get to reap the rewards, but from the other side of the fence, at least you can look forward to not having to make any effort at all.

Journal 008 (or The Candlelight Journal)

Feb 1, 2008 ~6:20 AM

Tonight has been very exciting. I am now writing this note by hand(!), and by candlelight. It is very romantic, indeed. There's just something appealing about the natural light of a flickering flame, that the ultra-bright coverage of an electric bulb just can't capture. It's organic, it's living, and it's a lot warmer, psychologically. Anyhow, the only time a candle can truly live up to its reputation is when the power goes out, as it did almost an hour ago, at 5:37 AM. No electric hums, no colored LED's, just quiet blackness interrupted only by a flickering flame.

I had just finished having a snack before the power went out. While I was sitting at the kitchen table, three times the light flickered - but even then, I didn't think they'd go all the way. I had just got up to my room when everything went black. It was quite chilling, as you could expect. But power outages are always so very thrilling, and I welcome them always. Lucky for me, I was standing right beside where I had my flashlight sitting - the kind with an electromagnet that never needs batteries (you just have to pump it up) - so there was a minimum of stumbling around in the dark for me.

Ironically, I had been lighting incense and candles earlier for my Imbolc rituals, so I was prepared to fire up my cinnamon candle for backup lighting. It was pretty neat taking it into the bathroom with me to brush my teeth. I grabbed my katana for defense, which I usually do in situations like this, when I get the sense something may be out of place (it's never serious, but better safe than sorry), although I was pretty confident the power outage was due to the weather conditions.

It rained steadily during the middle part of the night - though, looking out at the trees, which appear to have a coating of sleet (granted, it's hard to tell in the dark of night), it was probably more ice than rain. At 3AM, I tried to go out on the porch to commune while it was still raining. I had put on my ritual cloak, and my faerie amulet. As soon as I walked out the front door, even way under the roof of the porch, I was already stepping on wet ground. And it was cold, too. I laid down the towel and tried lighting a candle. I used the last two matches in the matchbook I brought with me, and they both died. I realized things weren't working out, so I took my ritual inside. At least it was nice to have the rain pouring soothingly onto the roof.

On an only vaguely related note, this may be a coincidence, but I discovered that keeping my door closed significantly helps to keep my room warmer than the rest of the house. I hope it's not just a coincidence.

Earlier today, I was playing with my bondage rope, and I think I finally worked out a pattern that avoids running through the crack of the ass - which, quite frankly, isn't my idea of welcome stimulation. And the rope I have is long enough to also tie off the ankles or, alternatively, the wrists (if I weren't practicing on myself) - and maybe even both if used efficiently!

Anyhow, while trying out my new pattern, I came up with an idea for a photo-op depicting a modernized version of the Eight of Swords tarot card, which I sympathize with. I would've jumped on it, but for the trouble with shooting myself. I keep finding myself wishing that I, at the very least, had a tripod to set up and steady my camera. Up until now, I've used a very ingenious, but very restricted, trick for shooting myself. It turns out that if I hang my camera sideways from the pullstring for the light, hanging in the center of my room, I can get the camera to point right at the door, perfect for a full-body shoot if I stand against that wall. As you can see, this is very restrictive. So I finally ended up buying a cheap (talkin' 5 bucks here) mini-tripod that I think will work with my digital camera, so I can see if it makes a significant difference.

(Uh-oh, police sirens!)

And I'm still pissed about the battery situation. Am I the only person who thinks the hassle of rechargeable batteries isn't worth the advantages? Alkaline batteries can only be used once, but they're ready when you need them. Maybe there are quicker chargers, but if I want to use my rechargeable batteries, I have to wait 8 hours, and by then, the inspiration/opportunity is long gone. Do I have to recharge my batteries every day, just so that they'll be ready when I need them, even if I don't use them for weeks at a time? Don't rechargeable batteries gradually wear down the more times you recharge them? Or am I mistaken, and are they immortal? I can't find anyone else who seems to have these problems, so I'm starting to feel like I'm doing something wrong.

That rant's just about killed my wrist, so I better wrap this up. I can't imagine what it was like before people replaced writing with typing - even though I was alive long enough to experience it. Writing has always been painful - physically in addition to anything else. And I just can't write as fast as I think - so I push myself to write faster and faster, and I just strain the muscles in my hand more and more...

Well, my last point is that it is now February, so the RPM Challenge is on. I start working on my project tomorrow! I'm registered under the name "Eight of Swords". For inspiration, I put on my ambient station on Pandora - which I haven't listened to in a long time. Good stuff. I'll probably listen to it a lot this month to keep my mind in the zone, and constantly hearing new stuff, getting new ideas. I hope my project turns out well.

Well, it's quiet now - very quiet. I hope the power comes on eventually, or else I won't have the distortion and feedback I need. But it could be hours. Not much left to do, so I should go to bed. For once, I'll enjoy a natural sleep with no lights at all (except the dim light that'll creep through the blankets as the daylight grows), and no sounds to disturb me (especially not the super loud fan on the computer!). I just hope I don't oversleep, without having the alarm set. If the power does come back on before I wake up, it'll probably wake me up then I can settle things before drifting back to sleep. For now, I'm not gonna worry about it. I'll just enjoy the rare electronic solitude. And so, I will now blow out the candle and crawl under the warm covers of my bed. Good night!