Demonization

Fire Dance

I saw this image posted online and immediately fell in love with it. In fact, I'm thinking about getting a reprint to hang on the wall right next to my print of Soulacroix's Spring. It's a lovely painting, evocative of a classical witches' sabbath - women dancing nude around a fire out in the woods as the devil looks on. It has a darkly festive atmosphere, and the glowing, orange flames almost seem to jump off the page/screen/canvas.

Nymphs Dancing to Pan's Flute

But then I found an apparently alternate version of this painting, and the difference is night and day. Black and oranges are replaced by greens and yellows, and you'll notice the "devil" loses his horns and gains a flute. Credited to Joseph Tomanek - a Czech-Republic immigrant painting in Chicago in the early to mid-20th century - the first version is usually called "Fire Dance" by print sellers, but official gallery listings cite the title as "Nymphs Dancing to Pan's Flute" (circa the 1920s, as near as I can figure), which is more indicative of the mood of the second version.

Was the original something in between?

I can't find any information on the origins of the different versions. Were they all painted by the same artist, or did somebody else come along and creatively change the mood? Which version was the original? Was it something in between the two extremes? I'm not even sure I know which version I like best. But the transformation from mythological nymphs to mischievous witches is a perfect representation of the manner in which Christianity has historically demonized pagan religions.

Thus, free spirits celebrating the rapture of nature become evil agents in league with the devil. The Green Man is bathed in flame and recast as Satan. Women celebrating their freedom (and their bodies) are viewed as deviant sinners. What was intended to be festive merriment is conceived as sinister plotting.

Hell (and its attendant minions) was invented by Christianity to inflict suffering on the masses, and take away any joy that was sourced from outside the church, all in the service of steering them, through deception, to stand under the commanding authority of the cross, and serve as soldiers in a war that was never really about good and evil; it's just another iteration of us and them.

Is this not truly despicable? I'm not attacking Christianity out of malice - this is self-defense. I'm the person dancing naked in the woods. I'm out there, revelling in the ecstasy of existence, harming no one. Yet it's Christ's followers who have labelled me a menace to society, and who lead the hunt to isolate and eradicate my kind, forcing us into hiding, unable to honor our own spiritual beliefs. Believe me when I say this is personal.

You think I want to be sitting here at my computer ranting? I'd rather be organizing a nude art hike, and contributing to the rich tapestry of human culture and society. But beyond the fact that I'd struggle to find interested members - because most people would find the notion bizarre - I can't even float the idea without it giving people - even people who currently like me - doubts about the purity of my intentions, as well as ammunition to use against me. Because they've all been primed by cultural indoctrination in a country that was famously founded by Puritans.

Pretty & Sexy

There are a lot of things in my mind that I'd love to discuss but I refrain from on account of avoiding controversy. Like, for example, the feminist implications of The Runaways' short career (specifically, the politics of sexuality as it relates to the different approaches to feminism). And I love controversy. But while I love to revel in it when it's produced by others, I'm more hesitant to produce it myself, because of the risk of attracting negative attention from others (something I'm not too fond of). And yet, a lot of what I do is already pretty controversial. You'd think I'd be immune to those fears by now.

The dilemma I face at this moment involves the potential (imagined?) conflict between my admiration of pretty girls, and my interest in the sensual, erotic side of life. And this has implications that go beyond me being afraid to add a pretty girl as a contact on flickr, for fear of scaring her away when (if) she finds out I am an erotic/nude photographer. This is the curse of every softcore pornographer - too tainted to charm the more sophisticated elements of society, yet too pure to be satisfied consorting with only the perverted bottomfeeders (I refer to this dilemma more generally as "The Unhappy Medium", which haunts my life). Here the impact of sex negativism can be felt clearly. If we had a healthy, positive attitude towards sex, then sensual individuals would more readily be judged based on their character, rather than on the simple fact that they embrace sensuality (as opposed to shunning and shaming it, as any decent person would do).

Maybe I am, once again, overreacting. My approach to sensuality is very clearly unique, and distinct from (and more sophisticated than) the usual, basic one that is most often assumed (that is, insensitive animal lust). And yet, from a glance or two - a first impression - how easy is that to glean? In fact, the "purest" and most "innocent" elements of society don't even make the distinction between tasteful sensuality and perverted filth - it's one and the same. Are these, then, people that I have no business associating with, in the first place? Ah yes, that's the easy answer. But what if they're pretty? What if they're beautiful? As an aesthetic artist, I cannot simply ignore such a thing. And the rarer and prettier the pearl, the stronger the desire to shine it. How does a nude photographer approach a pretty girl and ask her to pose for him (not necessarily nude)? While I'd enjoy taking sexy photographs of sexy girls, and pretty photographs of pretty girls, I want more than anything else to take sexy photographs of pretty girls.

On a related topic, I've been very interested in Lolita fashion lately (ever since the con). And I say "related" because any self-respecting Lolita would be appalled to find their fashion mentioned in the context of a post containing the word "sexy" in its title (barring the all-too-common ironic exceptions in the form of public denial). And no, I'm not backing out on my support of the tenet that Lolita fashion is nonsexual. In fact, it's the modesty that, perhaps in some twisted way, attracts me to it. (Not like that, jeez). But the issue comes up that some people might be offended by my interest in Lolita fashion, on account of the fact that I actually thought Nabokov's Lolita (in no way affiliated with the fashion, except in name only) was a brilliant - and even partly sexy - novel. And the fact that, while I don't exactly broadcast it (at least not in direct terms), I'm not actually offended by animated lolicon. (And if you don't know what that means, you probably don't want to). Or even just the simple fact that I am a man, and thus my interest in women's fashion is suspect (of perverted motives), by default (because if a man has an interest in girly things, it must be because he gets a sick sexual thrill out of it (by the way, are there any healthy sexual thrills?), and not because he might actually identify with girly things (then again, a man who identifies with girly things is abnormal anyway)). Yes, I am a pervert, and I am not ashamed to admit it, but not everything I do is perverted. I'm capable of keeping separate things separate, I'm just not so certain that others are capable of seeing it that way.

Even so, the question of attraction comes up. Are [heterosexual] males normally attracted to prettiness in girls? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think so. Are they sexually attracted to prettiness, or is that a different aspect of the attraction? Regardless, it is an aspect of the overall attraction. So why should pretty things not be sexual? Not to say that we should eliminate the line between them - pretty is pretty and sexy is sexy and they each have a distinct appeal. But can they not be combined favorably in some instances? I would say certainly! Observe:


Meet sexy (Yoko), and pretty (Nia). Now certainly, pretty girls can be sexy, and sexy girls can be pretty, but the best girls are the ones who are sexy & pretty, simultaneously:


Chii is, in my opinion, the epitome of the pretty + sexy girl. Of course, some may argue that Chii is simply pretty + lots of exposed skin, and not the sexy archetype - which might well be true. But "sexy" means different things to different people, and exposed skin is sexy to me (very sexy), provided the skin being exposed belongs to a pretty girl. :3 I don't hate T&A, but the stereotypical way they are presented almost seems to me a "masculine" presentation of sexuality. I'm turned on by a more delicate, feminine presentation of sexuality. Which is why Chii's pretty face, beautiful hair, soft skin, and long legs (frequently bared), attract me more than the lumps on the front or back of her body (not that I don't like them, mind you). And her gentle personality completes the package, turning her into an object of love, not simply lust, for me.

We've been skirting around the very similar issue of cute vs. sexy, here, and I know someone who will certainly say that cute = sexy. There is truth to that statement. I think, much like the feminine vs. "masculine" presentation of sexuality discussed above, it's a matter of taste. I've always been more attracted to cute features than outright "sexy" features. And, as it turns out, cuteness is more often associated with youthfulness, while sexiness is considered an "adult" trait. I believe that a lot of this has to do with social constructs - the fact that sex is an "adult" activity, and thus only adults are allowed to be sexy, and saying that a non-adult is sexy is politically incorrect - but it's also true that there is a physical quality to youthfulness that has a specific appeal, unrivaled by the appeals of age (subjectively speaking, at least).

The problem with saying that youthfulness is sexy, is that people will start asking, well, how young is too young? There is a too young, right? Right? All I can say about that is, different people have different preferences. And as long as we are talking about appreciating beauty (whether it's cuteness, prettiness, or sexiness), there's no logic behind labeling what sort of objects (I'm sorry, subjects) are allowed (or ought) to be appreciated, and which aren't. Aesthetic admiration is an involuntary emotional reaction, and policing it means putting restriction on thought - especially spontaneous thought that can't really be controlled. Not only is this a gross miscarriage of justice and basic liberty, but, thankfully, it's impossible to enforce (at least for the time being).

Where I'm going with this is, I don't see any point in punishing somebody for admiring beauty in another person. When I look at a pretty girl on flickr who places a clear statement against "perverts" in her profile, it makes me feel bad for being a sensual being that happens to find her to be attractive. Again, maybe I don't fit that profile of the run-of-the-mill "pervert", but I'm not exactly Mother Mary, either. This is exactly like the old pseudo-feminist ploy of trying to convince the world that when a man finds a woman attractive, it's a form of rape. Hopefully, anyone with reason will agree that this is ridiculous, but it doesn't eliminate the conflict between the sexually "tainted" and the attractively "pure". And when I say that, I don't mean that these girls are attractive because they're "pure" (I don't define real purity based on sexual experience), but that they happen to be attractive and "pure", thus making that attraction some kind of assault against their "purity".

So I'm probably making a big deal about this, but the bottom line is that I don't want to feel guilty for thinking a girl is pretty. There are sexy things in life that I enjoy, and there are pretty things in life that I enjoy, and I don't want to feel like I can't enjoy them both, whether combined or separate (as the individual occasion merits). Yet I don't want to offend the sensibilities of one or the other. Of course, if I was not suffering from social anxiety, I could just send this girl (who is old enough to drink, and is married, by the way) a friendly flickr mail, proving that I am a gentleman and not just another of the countless creepy perverts that are allegedly out there, and then wait for a response instead of agonizing over how I might be judged, and assuming the worst case scenario. But then, you wouldn't have gotten the chance to read this post about my winding thoughts regarding aesthetics and sexual politics. You see, I suffer for you!

(On the other hand, I like talking about pretty girls, because it makes me feel good inside. Almost as good as when I get to look at them. Have another picture of Chii:)

The Cult of Psyche

Psyche et L'Amour
A while ago, I found myself reading up on the mythology of Cupid (also known as Eros), everyone's favorite Valentine's Day icon (right?). I think most people are aware of the fact that Cupid is the son of Venus, the Goddess of Love and Beauty. But what I found of particular interest was the identity of Cupid's lover, Psyche.

Based on what I read, Psyche was a mortal girl of such beauty that Venus herself became jealous and conspired to destroy her. With great reluctance Cupid agreed to assist his mother's scheme to have Psyche fall in love with a monster (with, of course, the help of Cupid's magic arrows).

Now, as the story goes, just as Cupid is about to prick the sleeping Psyche with his arrow of love, the girl opens her eyes and (somehow) sees straight through his guise of invisibility. Startled, Cupid inadvertently pricks himself with one of his own arrows, and subsequently falls in love with the girl.

Cupid and Psyche
Personally, I like to think this is an excuse Cupid made up to salvage his reputation as the one who drives the whims of romantic affection and not one who is subject to them; and that Psyche was so beautiful, even he could not resist falling for her. But you can come to your own conclusion.

Now utterly enamored with Psyche, Cupid cannot in all conscience complete his mission. Furious at this turn of events, Venus places a curse on Psyche never to find a suitable mate. Cupid becomes angry in turn, and goes on strike, vowing to sling his arrows until the curse is lifted.

Love recedes from the world in the absence of Cupid's magic, and the planet grows old and gray. Venus finally gives in and lifts the curse over Psyche. But still Psyche cannot find a mate, so she consults an oracle, who reveals that her beauty is so great, that no mortal man can have her.

Then the story gets a little complicated. Psyche is married to Cupid, her only fitful mate, but his identity is hidden from her on his request (for some odd reason). They only meet in darkness, but Psyche breaks the rule and lights a lamp to reveal Cupid's identity while he sleeps.

Cupidon et Psyché
Upon recognizing him, it is said that she accidentally pricks herself with one of his arrows (yeah, right), falling in love with him. Clearly, I think she thought to herself, "my gods, I'm married to Cupid himself! Let me just jab myself with this arrow and I'll be in love with the most desirable ex-bachelor in the pantheon!" Or something similar.

But, Cupid awakens and is furious at what Psyche has done, so he runs away. Psyche, now very much in love, roams the earth searching for Cupid, without any luck. Eventually, she swallows her pride and prays to Venus, hoping for some guidance. Venus, still quite jealous, sends her on a series of fatally dangerous tasks that are quite impossible for a mortal to accomplish, but she - surprise! - manages to accomplish each one with a good bit of luck (and mercy).

Cupid and Psyche are ultimately reunited (after some kind of sleeping beauty stunt), and Jupiter (Zeus) grants her immortality. They have a daughter, called Voluptas, or Delight, who is the goddess of sensual pleasures.

I found this tale quite interesting, and the character of Psyche quite intriguing. And desirable. I noticed that, in counterpoint to the birdlike angel wings that Cupid is often seen adorned with, Psyche is sometimes depicted with butterfly wings. A beautiful young maiden with butterfly wings - is it just me or does that sound like a faerie to you?

The Awakening of Psyche
I meant to write up a post at some point about the advantages of polytheism, but I don't think I ever got around to it. The great thing about having a pantheon of divine beings, each with their own aspects and personalities, is that you can personalize your spirituality by focusing on the gods and/or goddesses that resonate with you. For example, a fighter might spend his prayers on Mars, the God of War, while a lover will pray to Venus. A fisherman might carry a lot of respect for Neptune, while a drunkard and party animal might worship at the feet of Bacchus.

This compartmentalization of aspects appeals to me. As a form of ordering, I find it intrinsically interesting. It's like the various sailor senshi in Sailor Moon, whose personalities and attributes correspond (to some extent) to the deities and/or elements associated with their ruling (or, rather, ruled) planets. Additionally, the power of choice that a pantheon offers is very appealing from an individualistic perspective. Instead of having everyone pray to the same boring all-things-to-all-people god, each person can find their own god, who they feel is worth worshipping. Of course, to fully support individuality, I encourage people to be loose in their interpretation of accepted gods, so as to truly make them their own.

Anyway, there are a number of different kinds of gods I could worship, but above all, the one thing in this world that strikes me as carrying a divine aspect above all others is the beauty of girls and young women, which has the power to move my soul (my psyche, if you will). If a religious shrine were to be erected to honor such a thing, in the manner that I envision it, I would visit it often and offer up my prayers.

Amor and Psyche
In pagan spirituality, there is the concept of the Triple Goddess - she who exists in three forms: maiden, mother, and crone. Each form plays an essential role in the cycle of life. And of the three, I am most drawn to the maiden, as among the three, it is the maiden's role to inspire desire and the promise of sensual pleasures, which then lead to the next phase, and its role.

This - love and desire and courtship and flirting and sensuality and eroticism - is just one part of life, as are all others. But, if you ask me, I think different people have different strengths in different aspects, and different levels of interest in different parts of life, and it is fulfilling to find what one desires most and to make a concentration out of it. Which relates back to my polytheism argument.

If your life is fighting, you may worship Mars, and if your life is romance, you may worship Venus. Bacchus has his cult, and so do (or should, if you ask me) the rest of the pantheon. Long have I attended the Cult of the Maiden, but I've longed for a name and a face to attach to it. Even more so than Venus, I think Psyche fits that role well, as the female counterpart to Eros, with which eroticism (as opposed to full-on sexuality) can be associated.

Le Ravissement de Psyche

Flower Fairies

While shopping for the holidays, before the turn of the new year, I came across a calendar in a bookstore that jumped out at me. Now, if you know me, I rarely make impulse purchases. But it took only a single glance at this calendar for me to know, I had to have it.

So, what kind of calendar could it be, that I would just have to have? A rock 'n' roll calendar, featuring all the gods of rock? A guitar calendar, with lots of groovy guitars? An erotic calendar, with naked chicks? An anime calendar? A horror calendar?

Nope. As you've probably already guessed, by the title of this post and the images below (if you've glanced ahead), it was a Flower Fairies calendar. Yep, flower fairies - as in, fairies imbued with the likenesses of flowers.

One of the advantages of shopping close to the holidays is that the excuse, "it's a gift for somebody I know," is a lot more plausible. Sure, there are birthdays year-round, but during the holidays, it's pretty much assumed that you're shopping for somebody else, and not yourself.

Well, it's not like I keep my love of [mythological] fairies a secret. And I don't know why there's all this shame about liking girly things to begin with. I recently came across a photo on flickr which was accompanied by lyrics to a song - lyrics that were strikingly articulate. And to my surprise, it turned out to be a Madonna song. Now, I'm not really a fan of Madonna's music (although I can't help being impressed by her approach to controversy during her Sex period - "express yourself, don't repress yourself"), but these lyrics are pretty good:

Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading

Case in point: using the phrase "you (verb) like a girl" as an insult.

Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with girls or girliness - in fact, I admire them very much. But I'll spare you the diatribe on gender politics. The point here is that I think the fairy art in this calendar is adorable. To the point that I actually looked up the artist - one Cicely Mary Barker, born just before the turn of the century (the 20th century).


She capitalized on the fairy craze that grew out of Victorian England, borrowing models for her art from the kindergarten her sister ran out of the house they lived in. I found her approach intriguing, in that she would always find a specimen of the flower she was to depict - which she took careful effort to depict accurately - have the young model hold on to it, and then simply draw the flower as large as the child. I also like how the fairies are dressed according to their flower, wearing petal skirts and whatnot.

These are just a few of my favorite fairies:


The Narcissus Fairy is the messenger fairy, who transmits information (of various levels of importance) throughout the fairy court, and symbolizes egotism - though I relate more to the vanity aspect.


I've always been fond of willows, both because they are aesthetically beautiful, and because they symbolize sadness and mourning. The Willow Fairy, like her namesake, is dipping her toes into the stream.


The Traveller's Joy Fairy - it would most certainly be a joy to encounter this fairy during one's journey.


An angel on a snowflake, the Snowdrop Fairy offers consolation and hope amidst the depths of winter. She also instills purity of thought, and is inhabited by moon spirits.


The Almond Blossom Fairy is bursting with all the joy of Spring, urging the rest of the fairies to join hands and laugh and dance with glee.


The Gorse Fairies play 'kiss chase', indulging in a little playful fairy romance. The gorse bush, with its year-round bloom, is known as a symbol of endurance, inspiring the adage, "when gorse is out of blossom, then kissing is out of fashion."

[The above fairy profiles compiled from flowerfairies.com]

David Hamilton

Photography has really only been a side-interest for me, and since my formal photography education is nonexistent, I'm not really familiar with a lot of the popular or "classical" photographers that are (or were) out there. So if somebody were to ask me who my favorite photographers are, I wouldn't really have much of an answer. But there are a couple that I've caught notice of, whose work has impressed and inspired me. And one of those is a man by the name of David Hamilton, known for his reputation for shooting gorgeous young models often minimally clothed (if at all), and for the romantic soft blur effect that characterizes his photographic style. What matters most to me is the fact that Hamilton's aesthetic sense of beauty, as it relates to the budding eroticism of adolescent femininity, overlaps to a not insignificant extent with my own; hence, in viewing his photos, I can sense a sort of kindred artistic spirit (in addition to the sheer wow factor that his best images elicit, of course).

Due to the controversy in some modern cultures surrounding the erotic portrayal of "pre-adults", there is unfortunately no lack of criticism leveled against the quality of (likely a result of simple ignorance) or intentions behind (cue moral hysteria) Hamilton's work. Even beyond that, there are those in the artistic community who seem to be of the (elitist) opinion that naked girls can not be art (to which I say, what is art without naked girls?), or that erotica itself is independent of the "true" or "pure" artistic disciplines (which is clearly a delusion). It is secondarily for the sake of those who may have something to learn from some exposure to his work (at the inevitable risk of inciting the opposite effect) that I present [only] a handful of my favorite David Hamilton prints in brief to you here, but I do so primarily because these are simply beautiful artistic works - the kind of objet d'art that, once discovered, compels an art lover to share that wonder and amazement with others!




































"A distinction must be made between eroticism and pornography; the media have blurred the disparity to an unforgivable degree. For those intelligent enough to recognize the difference, erotica will continue to hold a unique fascination. Social evils should not be confused with the pursuit of true beauty." ~David Hamilton

Note: If viewing these images makes you feel uncomfortable, might I suggest you read this?

Journal 013

(This entry was originally written by hand last night, while lying in bed.)

Why is it that the more tired I am, the harder it is to get to sleep? What is up with that? My mind goes into overload and my body starts shutting down, but my mind refuses to relax. So I can't stay up, but I can't go to sleep either. Maybe it has to do with having an obsessive personality. I get caught up in something, and I can't focus on anything else. That's why it's hard for me to multitask. Like lately, I've been absorbed in flickr culture, and I have to struggle to force myself to do something else. Because I get in the zone and I wanna ride it out. If I split my concentration, my involvement and ability in any one task will be reduced in power.

I've kind of dropped my post average lately. Partly because I'm doing the same things. How many times should I come on here and say "I'm still looking at nude photos on flickr"? Still, moods change and thoughts come and go and it's good to keep up to base. Or something.

Well, for today (last night?)'s Daily Nude, I accomplished my snow challenge - diving into a snowdrift, completely naked. And, with photographic proof! Oh, it was quite exciting. I planned the shot meticulously before going out, because I knew the cold would not allow for any mistakes. I ended up setting up the camera on the back porch, on top of an old, sturdy clothes hamper for extra height, looking down at the backyard. Soon as the shot was set, I cued the camera, then rushed down the steps (nearly tripping), and laid back into the snow. I grabbed the camera as I rushed back inside to dry off, and discovered that I had positioned myself too far away, outside the range of the camera's flash! So much for not making any mistakes...

Well, I wasn't *too* chilled, and was instead quite thrilled by the experience, so I knew I had to give it one more shot - but just one. I reset everything, and did it again. When I got down in the snow, knowing this was the shot, I wanted to make the most of it, so I tossed some snow over my body just for the sake of going the extra distance. By the time the flash went off, I was anxious to get up. Again, I grabbed the camera on the way in, but this time, I was even more thoroughly wet and chilled.

Giving the camera some time to dry, I only half dried myself off before rushing upstairs into the shower to soak in a cascade of warm water for five minutes or so. Pleasantly refreshed, and warm, I went back down and checked the camera. The shot was a success! Admittedly, it's not exactly the most flattering angle, but considering the circumstances, I'm quite pleased.

Back online, I made the decision to upgrade to a pro account on flickr, after realizing it was a meager $25 for a full year, and mostly for the ability to better organize my photos. While re-organizing my webcam nudes from college, I yet again decided to throw a few more up on there that I had glossed over earlier. I'm gaining a little bit of confidence. Nude, and proud.

Oh, and I did in fact find a group for 365 nudes - two, actually. But here's the problem. One of them is a splinter group from the main 365 group, and despite being a haven for 365 rejects, I still think I'd be too radical to fit in - there seems to be a bias against genitals, for one thing. Now, I don't see much merit in any of those ridiculous cock shots - I understand the curiosity factor, and I've taken some of my own, but never have I considered them to be of any level of worth that I'd want to show them off (seriously, a guy is more than just a penis...) - but, there's a world of difference between a nude (artistic, erotic, or otherwise) showing the genitals (in context), and a shameless dick pic - and I'm against censorship.

Well, the other group I mentioned seems perfect, except for the fact that it's a ghost town, with few members, very few photos in the pool, and *no* activity. And I don't feel comfortable either sabotaging the group, or being the only contributor. I guess there just isn't that much interest in this aspect as I'd like. I like to sit right on the line between art and porn. Artists are afraid to get too close to pornography, and pornographers have agendas which have little or nothing to do with art. But the line can be a beautiful place - stimulating, yet meaningful. But so many people are afraid of getting shot if they get too close to the border. Either that, or they don't have the skill to walk the line. But now I'm just stroking my own ego...

365 Days

I've been browsing through a number of photo pools on Flickr the past month or so, ever since I discovered the wealth of largely non-pornographic, artistic nudes that exist on the site, presumably having been hidden just behind the content filter. Coupled with my newly open attitude (at least in certain arenas) about my interest in nudism as well as nude [self-]photography, and the nifty tripod I recently procured, which has greatly increased my ability to shoot myself, (although I'm still working on finding a solution to the battery obstacle), my photographical interest and inspiration is aroused.

I've come across a certain challenge on Flickr, called 365 Days, in which the idea is for the photographer to post one photograph of him/herself every day for a full year. No excuses, no arguments, just one picture a day. And there are plenty of ideas about various themes and motifs to explore in case you find yourself lacking in ideas. Now, seeing that my primary mode of taking pictures is self-portraiture (considering that I have no models who would express mutual interest in being shot by me), and that my other primary photographic interest - natural landscapes - is hard to do on a nocturnal schedule and a sheltered lifestyle, this challenge seems right up my alley. Granted, I have so far done a terrible job of keeping up with these one-a-day schedules of things that I want to do more of (drawing and practicing guitar are among the recent failures), but what's one more try? Maybe this'll be the one that sticks...

One of the keys to making sure that this project maintains a certain level of interest, so that there's a better chance of me sticking with it, is my decision to try 365 Nudes - a nude a day. Maybe it's silly to restrict myself to nudes, when I could do any kind of mixture as my mood dictates. But the thing about making it nude is that, to me, at this period in my life, that's exciting. Taking a nude picture is a lot more exciting than taking a regular old clothed picture. And my primary interest here is the form of the human body (specifically, mine), and not the contours of textile adornment. That's not to say that every photo has to be buck naked, or even primarily a nude study - I look forward to experimenting with all kinds of props and themes to see what interesting shots I can possibly come up with. On the other hand, I don't want to put too much pressure on myself to compose a masterpiece everyday, or else, I know I'll just give up.

Besides, a lot of pictures I see are way too artistic, way too staged. Not that it's a bad thing, or that a spontaneous snap is gonna be better, but I'd just like to see a lot more normal pictures of normal people, who - and this is the important part - manage to capture something profound without requiring that look of professional polish. To go off on a tangent, it's like in pornography - you see all those air-brushed images of picture-perfect models, and they just don't do anything for you (well, for me, at least). You want to see real people in real environments - but that doesn't mean you want to look at a bunch of half-assed snaps of ugly people. There's a balance to be found between amateur and professional, where a natural kind of beauty can be captured in a natural kind of way. That's what I'd like to see, anyway. There's a lot of beautiful people out there that you'll never see on a magazine cover.

So I don't know if this is gonna last, or if technical problems (like unreliable batteries) are gonna screw me over, or if I'm gonna end up losing the ability to take interesting photos, but I'm excited enough to give it a run. One photo a day, and I'll probably provide a description for each one, or at least something to give it a little context. This will be on my Flickr account.

The Artful Dodger

Art is a form of creative expression. Art is the process by which an artist externalizes his/her vision, so that he/she may present it to others. It is an artist's job to find a method by which he/she can communicate these visions. A writer forms ideas into words, so that others may read those words and grasp the original ideas. A painter finds ways to manipulate images, shapes, and colors, to represent feelings and inspire emotions. A photographer finds reflections of meaning in naturally existing subjects. A musician manipulates musical tones to affect listeners emotionally. In all forms of art, there is an idea, an expression, and a reaction. Each of these is important.

Personally, I find that I do not lack ideas. But the part of art that I constantly struggle with is expression. Every form of expression I've tried has been insufficient to convey the ideas I want to convey. It's not that these forms are incapable, but that I am incapable of manipulating them in the necessary ways. But what is an artist who cannot create art?

I am a very ordered perfectionist. When thoughts get tangled, I become very distressed, and it's hard for me to tie them back together. Writing is too one-dimensional. You start in one place, and you read until you get to another place. You cannot be in two places at one time, and it takes time to sufficiently enter a place so that you have absorbed all of the necessary details. Creating an image, a picture, helps to alleviate this problem. They say a picture is worth a thousand words - and it's a lot faster to register than a thousand words would be. I think I would have a much easier time forming my ideas if I could draw them out into a visible form. Instead of spending paragraphs describing the appearance of people or places, it would be so much easier to just draw them, so that I can take a single look. I can already see them in my head, so there would be nothing more effective. But the problem is, I can't draw for shit. I can only draw very simple shapes; I don't know how to put lines together to form complex arrangements. If I see something in my mind, I have no way of showing it.

I think the web system of HTML is very fascinating. The idea of things linking together in any kind of way, like a system of cross-references, allows for a very non-linear presentation of information. When I start working out ideas for, say, a story, I tend to put the pieces together in chunks, here and there. And over time, I'll modify those chunks with new ideas. But keeping track of what and where all those chunks are (and go) is daunting, and it discourages me. I think that designating certain places for certain types of information, and then creating visual menus linking to those places in a way that makes sense to how the ideas are organized in the overall plan, could be a vast improvement on the method I have now - which is to just use multiple text documents designating different topics or sections of the story.

In other words, what I'm trying to say is, I have this idea for creating a story that, instead of being a linear cover-to-cover experience, is actually a more visual web-discovery kind of experience. Imagine a fan site based off of a book or movie, where the main page is, say, a map of the land where the story takes place. Then, on the map, there are links to various sections of that land where things happen, like cities, for example. And there are character bios that you can click on with images and descriptions of the characters in the story. Now, imagine that instead of being a supplement to the story, that web-based experience was the actual story itself. You wouldn't necessarily have to read it in a certain order. Granted, the main narrative of the story would still have to be read a certain way for it to make sense, but not all the parts necessarily have to be experienced in the same order. If you're curious what happens here or there, or with this or that character, then check it out! This probably wouldn't work with a traditional narrative, but I'm thinking of a radical new kind of narrative-based experience. It's based off of a fictional world that exists outside of the course of the main narrative. Imagine a Lord of the Rings website with a map of Middle Earth, and you can click on Rivendell and read about what the place is like, its history, character bio for Elrond, and also click a link to parts of the book that recount events that occur in Rivendell.

I think this could possibly be a revolutionary new way to experience entertainment. Not to say that this sort of thing has never been done before, but it doesn't seem like the kind of thing that's widely considered as an option when a person sits down and says, I have this cool idea in my head for a story, and I want to tell people about it. I mean, they could put up a website, but it's still bound to not be quite as immersive or as extensive as what I'm imagining in my head.

So is what I'm imagining actually possible to the extent that I'm imagining it? I dunno. The point here is not for me to revolutionize entertainment and give people an entirely new form of experience. If that happens, that's great, but remember, the goal is simply for me to formulate my ideas in a way that feels much more natural to me, and easier, than current conventional methods. I have these ideas in my head, and it's like they exist in different psycho-spacial areas because of where they fit into the grand 3-D (or more) framework of my overall world plan that serves as the backdrop for the story I want to tell. It's like, I think that maybe utilizing the power of hyperlink technology, I can recreate an experience that's one step closer to those neuronets of brainwaves, which means being one step closer to the pure idea that serves as the basis of art, and sacrificing less in the process of expression.

It sounds great, but there's still a lot of expression that needs to be accomplished. There are still lots of words to be written, and, if possible, a lot of pictures that could be drawn. I can work on the words, but I'm having trouble working up any kind of confidence in my non-ability to render visual ideas into visual images.

The worst part is that I can't decide if my inability to work within pre-defined parameters, and my great desire to revolutionize the world, is something deliberate that will someday lead to great innovation, or if it's just another symptom of my failure as a human being.

Burning Man (or Plans vs. Power)

I discovered Burning Man last fall-ish. I had heard about it prior to that, but I hadn't really paid any attention to it, or really understood what it was. But searching for information on alternative lifestyles after accepting paganism and nudism into my life, I took the time to find out what Burning Man was all about. Unfortunately, it's pretty hard to describe just what Burning Man is all about, since different people seem to take different things away from it, and so much of its alleged appeal goes beyond words. But what I came to understand from my preliminary investigation is that it's a radical weeklong arts festival in the middle of the desert, where the participants actually form their own society for the week, creating their own laws and living off of the desert. To me, that sounds incredible. A place where all the unnecessary constraints of society are lifted. It's a social experiment, and one that I would feel honored to be a part of.

So I told my brother about it, since I thought he'd be into the whole anti-Establishment aspect of it. I think he was initially interested, but then got kind of disappointed when I told him about the details and he realized that it was just a different kind of Establishment. He's extreme like that, and I definitely felt that he was being excessively harsh on it, and not really seeing it for what it was, and only punishing it because it couldn't live up to his personal ideals - which, frankly, I don't think he should have any realistic expectations of finding in the real world, unless created by his own hands. Anyhow, I think he realized this, as he has since changed his tune, and has decided that Burning Man is totally something that he wants to experience. And now he's pushing me to join in on the adventure. Since tickets go on sale in a week.

I get the feeling that for most people in my exact situation, this would be a no-brainer. Fuck yeah, go for it! And I totally want to. But I'm a methodical planner, and there are so many unknowns about this kind of an adventure, as well as some potentially unsettling knowns, that I have a hard time making the commitment. I don't want to try for it, then get out there, and find out that I don't have what it takes, or something, you know? Like my brother, he's not afraid of dying, and he doesn't seem to be particularly afraid of pain, either. He doesn't care what happens to him, and he's not particularly picky about certain kinds of creature comforts, either. For him, it's just a matter of, go out, and do it. What will be, will be. Not prepared enough? Fuck it, we'll get by. Not strong enough to survive the desert? Oh well, we'll just die, then.

Well, I have a lot of respect for the kind of strength of will a person needs to just go out and do something he wants to do regardless of the risks and unknowns, but it's not the kind of person I am. I would feel a lot better about the whole affair if there was another methodical planner in the group, so we could bounce ideas off of each other, and so I wouldn't have to feel the uncertainty of being the only one controlling the factors that could determine my very survival. What if I forget something? What if I don't know about something? I mean, is it really such a bad thing to be a planning type? I don't want to criticize my bro for being so "man of action" about the whole affair, but I have to admit, it puts a lot of pressure on me.

Then again, there are lots of things in life that I would have and will never experience without a lot of pressure. So maybe it's not all bad. Like I said, I just wish there was someone else I could help plan with. Somebody who's actually concerned about questions like, how will we have enough food and water to survive? How are we gonna manage a cross-country road trip in addition to the week-long festival? How tough is it really going to be in the desert for a week, with porta-potties and no showers? And what can we do to make it a little more bearable?

On the one hand, I think this could be an amazing experience. Living free without the rules that tear us down in everyday life in normal society. Experiencing abstract art exhibitions in the middle of the desert. Getting down to the basics of survival and seeing just what we are made of, at the core of things.

On the other hand, I foresee the possibility of things going terribly wrong. What if it just turns out to be sitting in an unbearable desert for a week bored with all the 'art'? What if I end up getting sick and the whole thing becomes miserable? What if getting down to the basics and being lost in a crowd of radicals where you have to ask somebody if you want something just ends up breaking me physically and/or psychologically? Not everybody reacts positively to extreme duress. Furthermore, what if there really are a lot of people taking drugs and having sex 24/7? I have very little problem with either of those things (as long as they leave me reasonably and respectfully alone, when I'm not in the mood), but I also don't particularly plan on taking part in either one. Finally, speaking of being left alone, can I cope with having potentially no privacy at all for a week?

And that doesn't even get into the logistics of making this trip happen. People say it's a couple hundred bucks for an all-access pass to this amazing experience. What about driving cross-country? What about stocking up on food and water and other supplies to survive the desert climate? I get the impression that there's a lot of sharing that goes along during the festival - people working together and helping each other out to survive - if you need something, ask and somebody will give it to you - but somebody's gotta have these things to begin with. And you're probably gonna need a lot of charisma or a lot of luck if you expect to walk into the festival empty-handed and just get everything you need from the good will of other people, with little or nothing to give in return.

Are you beginning to see the sort of issues that this affair raises? Now tell me, am I being crazy with all this worrying and planning, and should I just let go and let the spirit of the festival inspire me? Or is there something to my cautious instinct?

Update - Nude Photography

"If the pride of being able to show it off is enough for you, then go for it."

I went for it. I totally went for it. No holding back. It's one of those things in your life where it seems a little crazy, but you're so into it that you know, just know, you'll regret it if you chicken out. And that's not to say that it's a capricious decision. It's something that I've thought a lot about, and I've decided that it's absolutely something I want to do. And so, not doing it could only harm my sense of self-worth. If you can't do something you feel strongly about, then what's the point of life? We're all gonna end up in the same place eventually, so there's no reason not to take the detours that interest us, right? So there it is. I posted nude photos of myself on the internet.

God, it feels so dirty when I say it like that. But I don't feel dirty about it. Granted, I'm not exactly comfortable talking to certain people about it, since it's a topic obviously rife with countless possible misconceptions, but if I was thrown against the wall and had to defend myself, I'd feel nothing but pride and confidence in my actions. They say you should never post anything on the internet that you wouldn't feel comfortable being advertised on a billboard in your home town. But, though I'd probably have a lot of explaining to do, I think ultimately I would be proud to have any one of these photos posted for everyone I know to see. Of course, I would never force them in anyone's face, but I feel good about having them available to people who are interested.

My moral code echoes the Wiccan rede, "An it harm none, do as ye will". With an important emphasis on "none", indicating myself as well as others. Anyhow, I don't care who sees me nude or what they do with my nude photos (even if it's something lewd that I wouldn't personally condone) - as long as they don't bother me about it (key word being "bother"). Unfortunately, there are people out there that have a problem with that last part, and they make it hard for the rest of us. But I don't believe in living in constant fear (since it's something I've struggled against all my life). They say you should be the change you want to see in the world. I think that if I see a random hot girl on the street, I should be able to look at some nude pics she took of herself, because I know I'm responsible enough not to use them against her in any malicious manner. I realize that's quite a lot to ask, but in the meantime, to show that I'm sincere, if anybody decides that they want to see me nude, I say, have a ball. But don't think that you know me just because you've seen me.

They warn that you should never post compromising pictures of yourself on the internet, because 20 years from now, you might be running for Senate, and somebody will pull those pictures up, and it'll completely ruin your reputation. First of all, I have no intention of running for political office. But more importantly, these pictures are not something that I'm ashamed of, and they represent feelings and beliefs I have about life that are not independent of who I am and what I stand for. These aren't dirty sex photos; they are a celebration of youth and the human form, and the fun you can have with it. They're amateur, and you could easily argue that they were taken with the intent to arouse, but they were also framed by an artist's mind, and to me, sensuality and sexuality are aspects of life that can be just as tasteful and classy as they can be lewd and trashy - a concept that an uptight mind might have a hard time reconciling.

In 40 years from now, am I gonna regret showing myself off to "the world" as a nude 18 year old? I can't know for sure, but I can't imagine that I would. I'm really happy that I took those photos, because I think I look great, and I can already see a difference in my physique between when I was 18 and now when I'm 23. And that's a learning experience. Plus, it would have been a shame to have missed out on capturing the form of my body at that age. Additionally, posting these photos acts as a statement in and of itself. To the people that find out about them, I am saying: "look upon the nude, it is not shameful, and I am not ashamed of it. It is not a bad thing but a good thing, and it is not a sin to recognize it as such. It is not something that should be hidden by necessity from the eyes of the world, but something that should be embraced and respected, and exposed to the world." Nudity is a symbol of Truth, the act of revealing all and hiding nothing. And Truth is the one virtue I admire most. By baring my naked body to the world, I hope that I can make further steps in revealing my mind, heart, and spirit as well.

As a final note, I'm not expecting anyone I know or anyone that reads this blog to look at the photos. But I have no problem if you do. In fact, if you have constructive criticism, that would be great - but don't ruin the experience just because you don't agree with my philosophy on nudity. I made the photos public, since there was really no point not to, so it's pretty much out of my hands. They're out there, and anyone can see them. Except that there are certain limitations, since they're relatively explicit photos (relatively). They're up on my Flickr account, but they've been marked 'Restricted', to be on the safe side. You'll have to be a member and sign in in order to view them (by turning the safety filter off). That way, nobody's gonna come across them unexpectedly and be in for a rude awakening. If they make a point to see them, they'll know what they're in for, and if they happen upon them randomly, that means they've already got the safety filter off, so it's not like they're not used to viewing 'explicit' material.

So, ignore or enjoy, as you please!

Update - Nude Modelling

Excited by the idea of modelling nude, I've done a bit of web research, which is something I do extensively when I find things that I want to try. I have to plan everything ahead, and I like to know exactly what I'm getting into beforehand, else I get incredibly nervous because I don't know what to expect or how to act, and I become paralyzed by the fear that I'll do something wrong or stupid and embarrass myself. Ultimately, I can only know so much by reading about things ahead of time, and the one thing I really need to do is actually go out and try it. But you know, that's really, really tough for me. Especially something like this. I've toyed with the idea of modelling nude for an art class in the past, but every single time I've considered it, I haven't gotten nearly close enough to actually try it. I wish I was back in college right now, because I remember them sending out campus-wide emails asking for models, and if I was in that situation right now, I think I'd actually try it. But where I am now, it might be a little harder, and until I find something I'm comfortable with, I'm bound to read up as much as I can about it.

I seem to possess the two most important attributes to being a nude model, according to one person whose account I've read - that is 1) owning a robe, and 2) being willing to take it off. Believe it or not, it's not the idea of getting nude in front of a room full of strangers that concerns me the most. But rather, it's having to strike artistically interesting poses on command, and to a lesser extent, holding them for potentially long periods of time. I'm pretty good at keeping my body still, although that doesn't necessarily mean it's comfortable. But I can remember general moments in my life where I'd get all nervous being in a room full of people, and I'd freeze up. I'd be too scared to even move. I wouldn't want to do so much as shift my foot, or scratch an itch, or move my head the slightest bit, for fear of attracting attention. I guess it sounds like I'm the right man for the job, then? But still, how am I supposed to know how to pose? I don't want to pick something terribly uninteresting, and I don't want to put myself in a position where I'd get incredibly uncomfortable after an extended period of time holding the pose. I guess it's just something I'll have to think about.

43 Things

I happened upon this website called 43 Things, and I was intrigued by it. The idea is that you can create an account and then specify 43 things you'd like to accomplish in life. You can either choose things other people have already created, or you can create your own. You can also leave comments about your progress in accomplishing those goals, and help other people meet goals you've accomplished in the past. For me, it just seems like a great excuse to organize a bunch of my ideas about things I would love to do one day in my life (whether I realistically expect to do them or not). It's a great way to discover just what it is I'd really like to get out of life, and how I could make my life better by fulfilling my dreams. Here, I'll list the 43 things that I picked out, and describe the what or why of each one (and maybe how?).

I Want To...

...Live in a loft.

I think I've finally discovered what those apartments are called. I think they're called loft apartments - the kind that looks like a warehouse or some kind of studio, that's been re-dedicated to become a living space. You see it in movies sometimes, usually with artistic characters (although, I remember at least one with a scientific character). Typically there's like a cargo elevator that you have to take to get up to the apartment. The apartment itself is very open, with a high ceiling, and sometimes an upper level, and it's like all one big space without a lot of walls between rooms. I've never actually been in one. But ever since I started seeing them in movies, I've fantasized about living in one. It just seems like it would be such a cool place to live.

...Live in a lighthouse.

I've also fantasized about living in a lighthouse. Doesn't it sound romantic? Maybe only for a loner like me, but the idea of living in a tower by the sea, with a commanding view of sea and shore, is the stuff of dreams. No people to bother me, and my house is my job. Ideally, I'd love to run a radio station directly from the lighthouse, like the one character in John Carpenter's The Fog.

...Live on a lake.

Growing up, the annual family summer vacation was a visit to a resort lake town. We'd go to the beach sometimes, too, but the lake was every year. In fact, I went there every year without fail, until about 6 or 7 years ago, I think. I still wanna go back some day. At any rate, I've learned the pleasures of living on a lake. I can just imagine owning one of those nice lodges right next to the water, with a nice grassy yard, and trees all around, with a personal dock and a few boats for going out on the water. It's always more fun going to a store or restaurant when you get there by boat. It would be such a peaceful and relaxing existence...

...Own a beach house.

Alternatively, I wouldn't mind owning a beach house, either. One of those really nice and fancy ones, with a private beach. Boy, if that's not living the dream...

...Live in the Winchester Mystery House.

I know it's not really available for buying up and personally living in, but I still have a dream to live in that house one day. If you don't know the story, this is the house built by the heiress to the Winchester fortune. She was a little mentally unstable, so she actually held seances to decide how the house should be built. The result is a maddening example of unconventional architecture. Stairs leading to nowhere, doors that open to brick walls, secret passages, it's insane. And some people say it's haunted. Following in the footsteps of Jimmy Page with the Aleister Crowley mansion (Boleskine House, on the shores of Loch Ness), this is my dream house.

...Start a radio station.

I had a radio show in college, and it was one of the most enriching experiences of my life. I enjoyed it so much, getting to spread my music, and the things I had learned about it, to the people of the community (or at least the one or two who were tuned in). I'd love to be a radio dj again. In fact, I bought an FM Transmitter so I could sort of play the dj for a radio station localized completely within and around this house. But I have problems with the way commercial and big-name radio stations run things. You hear the same old boring songs over and over again, and you don't get that thrill of hearing something unfamiliar, or getting to know the dj's personal taste. I'd love to start a radio station of my own, throwing all of those useless conventions into the trash. I haven't yet warmed up to the idea of internet radio, but maybe that's ultimately the direction I'm gonna have to move in...

...Learn to play the blues.

This is something I've been meaning to do at least since I graduated college. I absolutely love the blues, and I feel the music resonates within my soul in a special way. I can really feel a good blues guitar solo, and one of the things I want most in life, is to be able to play a moving solo like that - improvised. So this is something I really want to work on. I've played guitar for at least 6 years now, but I really want to learn the stuff I need to be a real blues guitarist. I need to get lessons.

...Get better at guitar.

I'm completely self-taught, so far. I've dabbled in music theory, with scales and chord patterns and such, but I haven't really gotten a firm hold of any of that. Basically, my current style of playing guitar is wildly anarchic. It's more noise than music. I love it, and it can be quite a mind-expanding experience, but I also want to be able to play better conventionally. Songs and solos and stuff. The kind of thing I originally picked up the guitar for. So that maybe I could actually play in a band.

...Be in a band.

I play guitar mostly on my own. I go to open stages sometimes and show off my ear-splitting style. But I've always wanted to be the guitarist in a band. I want to impress people with my playing, but I don't want to have to carry the whole show. And although I like singing enough to want to continue doing it here and there, for most songs I'd love to just sit back and play the music, letting somebody else focus on the vocals.

...Become a rockstar.

Honestly, I'd settle for being a bluesman playing in bars, but what I'd really love is to be a rockstar. My ideal image of rock stardom? Jimmy Page. He's got the chops, he's got the style, he's got the occult mysticism fueling his persona of coolness. I can't imagine the experience of being a guitarist like that in a really good rock band, it must be amazing. And I wouldn't mind being chased by swarms of girls, either. This one's more 'dream' than 'goal'.

...Find my dream job.

Maybe I already know what it is, and it's just a matter of acquiring it. Like being a rock star, or a bluesman, or a radio dj. But I'm not completely sure. I don't like the idea of working in a job that I hate, just for the sake of making a living. I really want to enjoy my job, and I want it to be an enriching experience in my life. I'm not sure yet whether or not this is an attainable goal.

...Move out of my parents' house.

It's incredibly convenient living here. I don't have to pay rent. I don't have to pay for food. I don't have to pay for any sort of utilities. But it's not 'my place'. I want to live somewhere that feels like it's really mine. Where I'm not a guest, who has to always consider the burden he's placing on the person letting him stay there. I want to show that I can make it in the world, that I'm my own man, and that I'm out there. I feel like that would give me more freedom to actually be who I want to be. Maybe these are just convenient feelings, but I still think it's important to move out from under the roof of my family's shelter and protection. For them as much as for me.

...Be a ghost hunter.

I've been fascinated with ghosts for a long time. I don't actually believe in them, but I am curious, and I know the fear that can come over you when you're in the dark and you start thinking about strange possibilities. I've always wanted to actually visit a real haunted place, and try to find evidence of ghosts. Though a skeptic, I'm open to possibilities, and all this 'evidence' people have experienced - I'd like to experience some of it firsthand. Besides, it just seems like an exciting thing to do, going to a haunted location with some friends or cohorts, looking for evidence of the supernatural. Even if it was just taking pictures in a graveyard at night, I would love to try some sort of ghost hunting some day.

...Learn Kendo.

I've also been fascinated with swords and sword fighting from a young age. Swords have always been infinitely more interesting to me than any sort of guns. I've played around with toy swords plenty, but I'd like to learn some real skills. I actually did study a little bit under an Aikido master, who taught me to at least be comfortable holding Japanese bokken, shinai, or katana. But I would absolutely love to learn more. For me, there's a lot of grace in martial arts. I've never been very interested in dancing, since it seems to be so capricious and unfocused (social dancing, anyway) (plus the fact that it's incredibly embarrassing), but I find a great sense of beauty in the careful and precise motions of the martial arts. Throw a sword into that (which also limits the hand-to-hand contact that I don't particular like), and you've got me interested.

...Draw more.

Ever since becoming interested in Japanese anime, I've flirted - as many other fans have, I'm sure - with the idea of drawing those kinds of characters. In high school, I made a concentrated effort to learn to draw in that style. I bought (and still have) a stack of instructional books with many sketched figures, that I spent some time drawing from page for page. In addition to getting some good practice, it was also an exciting crash course in anatomy. I built up a collection of pages of largely embarrassing sketches, but I never really went anywhere with the drawing. I love the idea of being able to take an image from the mind, and bring it into realization in a form you can see, and can show others, but I've just never been that good. So one of my minor goals in life is to draw more frequently, with the hopes that continuous practice will make me better and better, to the point where I can actually draw something from my mind, that's nice enough to look at.

...Cosplay.

I actually have cosplayed, so this should probably either be "cosplay more" or "cosplay better". For those that don't know, cosplay is a form of costume play usually associated with anime fandom, where people dress up as their favorite characters, usually (but not always) for conventions and such. The couple of costumes I've worn in the past have been pretty sub-standard, I think. I've cosplayed as a generic ninja from Naruto, as well as a mediocre Griffith from Berserk. I think dressing up in exotic costumes can be exciting, especially when there's a character behind it that you like or respect. I'm no good at sewing or making clothes in any form, and don't have a particularly strong desire to learn, so I think I'd rather be a cosplay model, with somebody else designing costumes specifically for me. It's not really something I expect to do in a major capacity, but I think it would be fun if I had the chance.

...Write stories.

I don't have *major* aspirations of being any sort of writer, but I do already have some specific stories in my head, that I'd like to take more time to get down on paper (computer). Of the two main stories I'm working on, one is about a young man who goes on a journey to slay a dragon in order to avenge his family and hometown (it's actually a lot more interesting than it sounds by that description), and the other is about a soul's journey through heaven and hell, and the eventual overthrow of God's kingdom. I have others in mind, and I would love to see even just one of these ideas fleshed out into an actual complete story.

...Take more pictures.

I've mentioned my interest in photography. Early on, I spent a lot of time taking pictures of sunsets and cloudscapes. I have a particular interest in capturing the beauty of nature, in its many forms. I love seasonal shots that show the difference in a specific spot during different seasons. I don't really take a lot of pictures, but I always seem to enjoy it when I do. So I'd like to make a point to take more pictures. Part of the problem is the inconvenience of carrying a camera around with me everywhere I go (not to mention making sure I always have batteries charged and ready), and another part is not wanting to draw attention to myself by pulling out a camera, or having to worry about taking pictures of someone or something that I shouldn't be. But I have some shots that I'm proud of, and I'd like to get more.

...Read every book I own.

I have an interest in reading, but I also have a habit of avoiding reading when I could be doing something else. I have a stack of books on the back burner, that I haven't read yet, that I've been meaning to read for awhile. My best friend is a bookophile, so he seems to constantly be recommending more and more titles. Other people dump books off on me sometimes, if they think I'd be interested in them. Basically, I'd really like to just go through the stack and read everything I own, so I don't have to feel tied down and backed up anymore. But realistically, I know that even if I did read every book I own, it wouldn't be long before I'd get a few more and the stack would grow anew...

...Record my music.

As a starving artist and a struggling musician, it would make sense for me to record my music. I have written a hand full of songs, and just recording some of what I play in general would be a good idea. I've been working on an album since graduation, but it's been over a year and progress has pretty much halted. I really need to kick myself into gear and finishing recording what I have ready, so I can put that album behind me and move on, start thinking about new projects. This could be essential to my progress toward finding and gaining my dream job.

...Be in love.

I've been in love a few times in my life, and though there's usually an amount of pain that comes with it, especially when things don't work out (and face it, most relationships fail), I still believe that love is the most powerful and the most amazing emotion known to man. Love is the reason we live. For a person like myself, who doesn't meet people often (and when I do, I tend not to make the best impression), finding someone to love isn't easy. Being desperate doesn't necessarily mean that my standards are any lower than they would be otherwise, though. I don't play games; I want someone who can make a profound impact on my life. Ultimately, though, I just want to be in love again.

...Have sex outdoors.

For someone who reveres nature, and worships love, there is little more exciting than the idea of making love in the great outdoors. There are any number of intriguing conditions, too. A grassy field under the full moon. A warm day under the hot sun. A sandy beach with a bit of seaspray. Up against a tree, or in a hot tub (or spring) under the falling snow. I'm interested in a little environmental experimentation. I just have to find a willing partner first.

...Be a nude model for an art class.

I mentioned this in a previous entry. The idea of it excites me, and it's totally something that I'd love to try, if for nothing else than to be able to say that I tried it. It really makes me nervous to think about it though, making myself the center of attention like that, not to mention being nude in front of strangers. But that's the kind of barrier that I'd like to break down, if I can. I just want to be free, and be me.

...Be nude more.

And, in that vein, I just want to be nude more. More often and in more places. I don't want to have to hide it from people, either. I don't know how realistic this goal is, considering the way most people seem to feel about nudity. But I'm interested in pushing the boundaries. When and where I can.

...Learn Japanese rope bondage.

I actually already own a length of bondage rope, and I've played around with a few ties (on myself). Something about bondage in general intrigues me. I'm not into the heavily dominant-submissive or sadomasochistic lifestyles (oh my), or the extreme bondage thing, but leather and other shiny fashions are attractive, and something about having a girl tied up really turns me on. I figure it has to do with the whole confidence thing - making the girl my toy and robbing her of the ability to have any sort of mind of her own, where she could reject me or try to take control of the situation, puts me at ease and gives me a kind of power trip that I'm not used to having. It's nothing psychotic, though, I just think I could have a lot of fun with it. And I'm totally willing to take turns. I just have to have someone that I can completely trust to do this with. In the mean time, I could do for learning some techniques, and becoming more familiar with different kinds of knots (maybe if the Boy Scouts were allowed to test their skills on the Girl Scouts, I wouldn't have been so quick to quit, all those years ago).

...Beat social anxiety.

I think this is self-explanatory. I mean, this is a large part of what this blog is about, isn't it? Social anxiety has plagued me all my life, and I've been fighting it constantly, but I haven't been able to beat it yet. I'm certain that if I can beat it, the quality of my life will increase drastically. No matter what it takes, this is something that has to happen.

...Be more confident.

Related to my social anxiety, I seem to lack any kind of confidence in social situations. I'm soft-spoken (that is, when I speak at all), and I have a hard time asserting myself and getting my ideas and feelings across to people. I need to have more confidence, in saying what I mean to say, as well as saying it more clearly and in a louder voice, so that people aren't so quick to ignore me.

...Become a better conversationalist.

See above. I have a hard time holding a conversation with most people. I find it difficult to relate to people that I don't know real well - it seems like it's either they're gonna talk about what interests them, and bores me, or else I could try talking about something that interests me, which will undoubtedly bore them (something I obviously don't dare to try). Conversations with me are largely one-sided, and this isn't a good thing. My social life is filled with awkward pauses. I respect comfortable pauses and silences, but I wish I could learn to replace those awkward pauses with genuinely interesting conversation.

...Overcome my fears.

I'm a pretty timid person. I tend to let my fears control me and my actions. I need to break free of these chains. I know that, based on past experience, most of my fear is irrational and unfounded, and serves only as a barrier to realizing my potential and in a lot of cases, just having a good time. Don't be guided by fear!

...Live up to my potential.

I kind of mentioned it above, but I feel like the quality of my life isn't a result of who I am, or what I necessarily deserve, but that it's more a product of my disorder. I'm a college graduate, with a degree in physics. I'm a smart guy. I'm kind and I'm sensitive, and I care about people. I'm interested in getting to the truth of things and not deceiving and bull-shitting people. I deserve to be in a better position, and conquering social anxiety is an essential step in living up to my potential.

...Change my name.

For awhile now I've played around with the idea of changing my name. Kind of like spirituality, I think a person's name is something that one should decide for oneself, after having enough time to discover one's true nature. But the trouble is that I'm not entirely sure what name I want to have, or if I might decide to change it in the future. So I've kind of resorted to mostly just using nicknames. Maybe it's just as well.

...Spend an entire day watching the extended version of all three Lord of the Rings movies back-to-back-to-back.

Yeah, I've been meaning to do this ever since I completed my collection with the extended edition of The Return of the King. It's quite a commitment though, considering that it will almost certainly take over 12 hours. I've done the equivalent in the past, though, I just need to find the right time (and possibly the right company) when the mood is right.

...Learn how to surf.

Uh, yeah. I haven't had any experience whatsoever, but when I see people surfing (like in tv and movies, since I don't live near the beach, and rarely get to go to the beach), I get the feeling that it would be a lot of fun, riding the waves like that. Plus, I'm all for a beach kind of lifestyle. It's something I'd like to try if I ever happen to be in the right kind of place.

...Swim with a shark.

I grew up watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Sharks are awesome. I'm not a huge animal lover, but I have loads of respect for sharks. They're so majestic, kind of mysterious, they rule the sea, and despite being apex predators, they're not bloodthirsty monsters, and you can interact with them almost one-to-one, if you understand their behavior and are willing to treat them with the respect they demand. Anyhow, I definitely want to get a chance to swim with a shark (or better yet, sharks), at least once in my life. And in their natural habitat, not some lame aquarium or something.

...Find a fairy.

I'm a little obsessed with fairies (and elves, too). I find it strange that people generally consider fairies to be a girly thing. I mean, we're talking about little naked chicks with wings. Sounds kind of hot, to me. But being a guy, I feel out of place and embarrassed by looking at fairie-related products, or putting pictures of fairies up on my walls (I don't think I've actually done that yet, specifically - though I have shamelessly adorned my guitars with faerie stickers). Anyhow, I don't really believe in fairies, but I do have an interest in fairie mythology and they do have an ambiguous yet central place within my spirituality as a kind of natural symbol. I might not believe in them as is, but I do believe that searching for one can be a meaningful experience.

...Start a revolution.

I have some pretty unusual ideas about things, I think. I suspect that a lot of my anger towards society is misdirected frustration about my own inabilities to become who and what I want to be, but still, I think some of my ideas could go a long way towards creating a better society. I'm not claiming to have all the answers. I just have some ideas that people need to consider. And a revolution, to me, is a romantic notion of changing the world to better suit my tastes.

...Perform a concert to an empty coliseum in Pompeii.

This is one of my dreams. If you've ever seen the Pink Floyd video, Live At Pompeii, that's what I want to do. Just play to an empty stadium during twilight, and on into the darkness. It'd partly be a tribute to Pink Floyd, but we'd play original music - post-rock - so as not to make the mistake of trying to do something that's already been done before.

...Walk more.

I love to walk. It gives me a chance to think, and a chance to recognize the world around me, outside of the places I spend most of my time in. Plus, it's a good way to get exercise, that isn't overly exhausting. I've been spending so much time in my room, sitting at my computer, that I don't even walk as much as I used to. I'd like to make a point to get out and walk more (but moreso when the weather gets warmer...).

...Participate in a ritual at Stonehenge.

I just love the idea of this. I'm sure Stonehenge is awesome, and I bet it would be so profound to participate in a ritual there. I love the idea of using stones to create a giant solar calendar. I wish I had a setup, like some kind of special garden or hilltop or something, with a good view of the horizon in every direction, with markers setup to make meaning of the passage of the heavenly bodies. Get in tune with the ancients (we are of the sun).

...See the aurora borealis.

This just sounds like it would be a really cool thing to see. I love weather, and I have an interest in astronomy, and seeing something special like this would definitely be something to remember. I'd like to make a point of it someday.

...See a total solar eclipse.

I remember seeing one in grade school, but I was young then, and it's been a long time. The solar eclipse is one of the most fascinating astronomical occurrences visible from the Earth. The idea of opposites, of day becoming night, light becoming dark, and the sun being swallowed by the moon, intrigues me. And it's just a beautiful, moving experience. I definitely have to see another one some day.

...Wear more interesting clothes.

When I do wear clothes (heh), they're pretty mundane. I wear t-shirts that I like, but ultimately it's just a matter of putting on what's easy and what's comfortable. I like the idea of wearing some more interesting fashions, like bellbottom jeans, some kind of interesting boots (that aren't too feminine, but not overly masculine either), more buttoned or flowy shirts, maybe even some jewelry (maybe), perhaps a neat hat every now and then. Dressing up can be a lot of fun - the reason I hate it so much is because first of all it's a pain, and then it's usually boring clothing that I don't like. If I had interesting clothes that actually expressed my unique outlook on life, and successfully matched my laidback attitude with my personal sense of style, I think it could not only be fun, but could also boost my confidence. Plus, I'd be bound to get more attention from people, and by standing out, they'll know right away that I'm different, so I don't feel so bad when their mundane ways start to bore me.

...Get new glasses.

Ok, I was kind of running out of ideas by the 43rd thing, but it's true that I need new glasses. The prescription seems to be fine (it's a miracle that I've gone so long without really needing an upgrade), and I like the look of the glasses I have now just fine. The trouble is that the lenses are so scratched up that it actually causes a visible difference in the clarity of the image I see. I generally just deal with it, but it gets annoying sometimes, and I should really just get new lenses already. The problem is that I don't like the idea of going in and having to risk talking to the doctor and having to do an eye test or schedule an appointment or anything like that. That's pretty much kept me away...