Celebrity Crushes

At some point an indeterminate amount of time ago (the timestamp on a rough draft indicates early March of 2020, just before the lockdowns), I encountered a meme that involved posting pictures of your celebrity crushes to show if you have a type. It seemed like an interesting experiment (and who doesn't like spending time thinking about people they're attracted to?), but I refrained from participating because I wasn't interested in giving anyone an opportunity to make assumptions about me based on contemporary moral fads. But seeing as this blog is a place for me to testify to my own truth, and I was recently thinking about some old crushes I could add to the list (as well as some new ones), I wanted to revisit the concept.

But first, I had to ask myself, what counts as a crush? Endless is the debate over whether "love at first sight" truly exists. Whether it's love or lust or just a superficial infatuation, I can attest that it is a real phenomenon. And while magnetic attraction is not a sufficient condition for a successful, committed relationship (it may not even be a necessary one), it does play a meaningful role in the human mating cycle, and the associated feelings can bring joy and pleasure to a person even in the absence of reciprocation, as is the case when you crush on a celebrity whom you will probably never even meet. Indeed, that distance can serve as a kind of protective barrier, creating a playing field in which one can explore their feelings one-sided, free from the logistics of an actual relationship, and without risk of heartbreak (or any real threat to existing partners, provided a mature foundation of trust). Sure, sometimes people can take it too far, but that doesn't mean it's not healthy the rest of the time.

All of which is to say, there have been a lot of celebrities that I have found attractive (as is true of most people, I think), but having a crush implies somewhat of an obsession - usually with consuming the media they appear in, and/or investing in merchandising associated with them. And there are different levels of crushing, too. I have certainly had more crushes than I am about to list (like, can I really include Freya Allan, just because she's the perfect representation of my type - she's named after the Norse goddess of love, by the way - even though I've only ever seen her in The Witcher? [and yes, this parenthetical phrase exists just so I can link a picture of her intoxicating beauty]), but I've tried to focus on the most intense or longest lasting ones, that have made the strongest impression on my life, while also filling a convenient 9 square grid. Also, I'm excluding cartoon characters (because that's a whole different arena) - although it's worth mentioning that I had a humongous boyhood crush on Ariel from The Little Mermaid (the least dressed of all the Disney Princesses - unless slave Leia from Return of the Jedi counts now :-p).

Shall we get on with it, then?

Liv Tyler - Daughter of rock royalty, this had to be one of my earliest celebrity crushes, because I actually forgot that I used to crush on her! I think it's safe to say that seeing her portray Arwen in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy made a strong impression on me (I have a thing for elves). I feel like Ms. Tyler set the trend for my celebrity crushes, because I still have an old folder of modeling pics I searched out online (in an era long before Instagram was ever dreamed up); and in researching her past roles, I discovered the intoxicating (and often erotic) world of independent arthouse films, via a Bernardo Bertolucci picture (Stealing Beauty) starring Jeremy Irons - in which she appears topless!

Mischa Barton - I suppose most people who have heard of Mischa Barton know her from The OC (which I actually haven't seen), but I discovered her before she ever appeared on that show. My heart broke for her in Lost and Delirious, a story of spoilt innocence and doomed romance at an all girls' boarding school. By no means mainstream, I had fun tracking down her other coming-of-age movies: including the cult favorite Lawn Dogs, in which she forges an unlikely friendship with Sam Rockwell; the gritty Pups, in which an ill-considered bank robbery is foiled by Burt Reynolds; and Frankie and Hazel, in which she rebels against gender norms as a ballerina who dreams of playing baseball.

Michelle Trachtenberg - Aside from Eurotrip (which was a fun movie), and her adorable turn as Harriet The Spy, I never really went on a hunt for this actress' other roles, like I usually do with my celebrity crushes, but the extent of my obsession with her was apparent from the moment she turned up on Buffy the Vampire Slayer as Buffy's (surprise!) bratty little sister Dawn, radiating teen angst. Other Buffy fans I've talked to have told me they hated her and thought she was annoying, but that didn't stop me from harvesting an indecent amount of screencaps (I'd be truly embarrassed to tell you the number) for my computer's screensaver at the time (this was before we all started using static lock screens). You could say my obsession with her was not as broad, but it was pretty deep for a while.

Dakota Fanning - My gold standard for celebrity crushes. When I first saw Dakota in War of the Worlds, she failed to make an impression on me. But then, she was just a kid given little to do besides run around screaming while aliens destroyed the world. When she later snagged the role of Cherie Currie in the Runaways biopic (alongside Kristen Stewart's Joan Jett), I stood up and took notice. I hadn't realized what an accomplished actress she already was, but I made a concerted effort to educate myself. From her breakout role on I Am Sam (opposite Sean Penn) at the age of seven, to the dark coming of age drama Hounddog, in which she filmed a rape scene at the age of twelve (depicted with considerable restraint, mind you), this was a precocious child star with a maturity beyond her young years. I was beyond impressed.

Elle Fanning - Originally scoring bit parts as an age-regressed version of her older sister Dakota's characters in various movies, Elle eventually broke out on her own as an actress, in a career that mirrors her sister's, with slightly more of a focus on "artsy" projects. Some of her more memorable roles include her first starring role at the age of nine, in a serious drama about a child with Tourette Syndrome (Phoebe in Wonderland), and Nicolas Winding Refn's at times surreal and Argento-esque voyage into the nightmarish dreamscape of the west coast modeling scene (The Neon Demon). Elle has even played a Disney princess! Albeit in a movie that was designed to showcase the villain (Maleficent), and not the princess (Aurora - a.k.a. Sleeping Beauty). More lately, she's been doing an amazing job as Catherine on the Hulu series The Great. It could just be my own focus, but as Dakota has scaled back her media presence, it seems to me that Elle has stepped to the forefront in her stead.

Chloe Grace Moretz - You probably remember her as the violent, trash-talking, wannabe superhero schoolgirl Hit-Girl in Kick-Ass (and its sequel). But she has a long list of horror and sci-fi credits to her name, if few of them have had the clout to propel her to A-list status. Nevertheless, as a little kid she starred in the remake of The Amityville Horror, as well as one of AfterDark Horrorfest's 8 Films To Die For (Wicked Little Things), and appeared alongside a pre-Winter's Bone (not to mention The Hunger Games) Jennifer Lawrence in a gritty drama about a single mother slash prostitute (The Poker House). She starred as Carrie in the Stephen King remake, fought off an alien apocalypse in The Fifth Wave, and more recently tackled alternate reality in The Peripheral. But it was Chloe's penchant for challenging, mature-for-her-age roles that initially captured my interest, from the American remake of the dark Swedish vampire romance Let Me In, to a serial killer drama about the Texas Killing Fields, and the hard-boiled coming-of-age road trip that is Hick. It's always a thrill to hear about what she's working on next.

Emma Watson - Not usually one to jump on the bandwagon, I was late to the Harry Potter fandom. I'm a huge fan now, thanks to my brother's recommendation of the books - and a spontaneous dream I had about Emma Watson, whom I recall catching my eye via sporadic scenes on TV from as early as The Prisoner of Azkaban (the movie in which she stripped off her house robe to reveal her blossoming attributes). For a long time before I finally sat down to watch the movies (in the year of the final one's release), I knew it was going to be Emma's natural beauty and charisma that would rope me in. Growing up through eight Harry Potter movies is admittedly a hard act to follow, but Emma shines in everything she does - including being the second actress on this list to star as a Disney princess! (This time it's Belle from Beauty and the Beast). I also enjoyed her participation in the true story dramatization of the Hollywood Hills burglaries, The Bling Ring. Behind the scenes Emma portrays sophistication, intelligence, and high fashion, while championing the cause of feminism. And I'll be honest, I love that posh British accent.

Miley Cyrus - I've written about this elsewhere [NSFW], but I'll summarize the highlights. Initially annoyed by all the merchandising for Hannah Montana, when Miley ended her relationship with Disney, and entered her rebellious teenage phase, I started to take notice. Shooting implied nudes for Annie Leibovitz; rumors of dancing on stage around a stripper pole; singing about liberty and individuality on the album Can't Be Tamed. When she posed unabashedly naked for Marc Jacobs to raise awareness for skin cancer, starred equally (un)dressed in the music video for smash hit Wrecking Ball, and then humped a foam finger while twerking on stage in flesh-colored underwear during the MTV VMAs, I was entranced by her confident, sex-positive attitude. A lot of what she does turns people off, but it's performance art. And this world needs more strong women willing to unapologetically embrace and take ownership of their sexuality. She's not just beautiful and talented, she's also kind, and a vocal supporter of LGBT rights. And though she produces pop music (helping me to break through the barrier and appreciate new genres), she's also covered some of my favorite bands in concert (including Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd). People are still surprised by it, but what Hannah sung all those years ago is true - "[she] really [is] a rock star."

Jordyn Jones - Being my latest obsession, who I've not just written about before, but recently, I should be able to skip a lot of the details. I've been aware of her for probably the better part of the last decade, and was an instant fan of her early music videos, which apply a cute, girly aesthetic to hip hop. Then for a while I was only really aware of her as a popular Instagram model, until my recent Dance Moms obsession brought her back into focus (via Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition). Seeing that she's released a ton of songs and videos on Youtube, as well as more recently started a podcast, I fell down the rabbit hole of her social media presence, absorbing just about everything she's done in the public eye that I can get my hands on. I stan Jordyn because she's pretty, talented, projects confidence, and has such a cheerful and bubbly personality (which is a nice counterbalance to my own characteristically gloomy demeanor).

Jordyn Jones' Top Ten Music Videos

If you haven't heard of her, Jordyn Jones is a minor celebrity pop star/model/influencer. Born at the turn of the millennium in the vicinity of Kalamazoo, Michigan (yes, it's a real place, and I've been there :-p), she journeyed to Los Angeles as a preteen, already trained as a dancer and ready to pursue her dreams of pop stardom. I first became aware of this rising young starlet when she started releasing music videos on Youtube circa 2014, juxtaposing her pretty white girl looks with a confident hip hop swagger. Over the years, she transitioned to a more traditional pop star image, and with age and maturity, has steadily grown in popularity as an Instagram model.

After having the privilege of attending a local cheer competition two seasons ago, I started watching Dance Moms to steep myself in the subculture. When I started season 1 of the spin-off Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition, I recognized with excitement a young Jordyn Jones just at the start of her career, and it reignited my interest. I devoured her Youtube content, including an adorable series for Awesomeness TV, in which she tries out various summer and winter jobs. Meanwhile, I put together a playlist of songs she's recorded, so I can listen to it in the car.

I'm currently in the process of catching up on her podcast What They Don't Tell You, in which she interviews her peers in the social media sphere. Being in a different generation, with no experience of the LA lifestyle, it's mostly conversations with "influencers" I've never heard of; but Jordyn's bubbly, happy-go-lucky personality is positively infectious, and I enjoy putting it on and occasionally checking in while I work at my computer.

I know Jorydn's a pretty white girl with all the privilege in the world, but she's genuine, kind-hearted almost to a fault, and surprisingly grounded for somebody who came of age in LA (I give her mom a lot of credit for that). She's also a bit of a teetotaler - which I can relate to - despite basically living in the fast lane. She tragically lost her dad a few years ago in an alcohol-related accident, and maintains a warm and hilarious relationship with her mom. She can dance. She can sing. She's funny. She's pretty - and she's never been afraid to market herself on that point. I'm not ashamed to admit that I stan her.

And so I wanted to celebrate the sunshine her web presence brings into my life (also because it's only fair, given that I've honored two other young starlets I've stanned in the past, right here on this very blog) by sharing with you ten of my favorite music videos she's released on Youtube during the last decade. We'll go in chronological order, starting with the earliest one (because that makes the most sense to me, and I hate ranking things).



Banji (Sharaya J cover)

Not the earliest music video Jordyn appeared in (she was briefly part of a girl group called 5 Little Princesses, or 5LP - search for the song Sugar and Spice), but her debut as a solo performer, and likely the first I ever saw. Whether you think it's the bomb or cringey AF (personally, I'm in the former camp), it makes a strong impression. Admittedly, there's a discordance between Jordyn's ultra-cute aesthetic and the darker stylings of hip hop (albeit not quite to 5LP's level of tween girls rapping about staying up late while wearing pink tutus and glittering tiaras), but I think it's adorable and it gives me something to appreciate about a music genre that doesn't normally appeal to me.

"Where did this, where did this chick come from?"

If you like this video, Jordyn's cover of Fancy by Iggy Azalea provides more of the same, with a steady bass beat, and a video that manages to make laundry day look chic. And if you're digging that schoolyard nostalgia, Jordyn and friends layer on the Lip Gloss in an unforgettable cover of Lil Mama's song by that name, decked out in cheerleader uniforms and dancing in front of an ice cream truck. If I have a lot to say about this era of Jordyn's career, it's because this is how I was introduced to her and it brings back fond memories.

"Hot girl, hands off, don't touch that."



Lips Are Movin' (Meghan Trainor cover)

Without breaking continuity from her previous videos (all of which so far have been directed by Nayip Ramos, and feature the familiar faces of some recurring backup dancers), Jordyn gives us a taste of her pop star aspirations and gets a little playfully jaded with what is probably the most popular song she's covered yet. And if you prefer this style over Jordyn's hip hop phase, you won't want to miss her cover of Katy Perry's This Is How We Do, in a video that gives off major beachy/urban California vibes.

"I know you lie - your lips are movin'."



Fiyacracka

I'm already regretting limiting myself to 10 videos, because I would be remiss not to mention I'm Dappin'. Notable in that it's Jordyn's first original song, it displays a somewhat more mature style while giving her an opportunity to show off her rapping skills. Although still playful, it's a bit darker (literally - with lots of indoor and night time shots), with a steady rhythm and a catchy chorus.

"I'm dancing, I'm snapping; my swagger is splashing."

But I've chosen to highlight Fiyacracka from this stage of Jordyn's career instead, because I think it's an even stronger offering. Many of the same things can be said about it, but the glamor is dialed up to eleven, and you can really begin to see the mature pop star Jordyn was becoming, as distinguished from the cute child star she started out as. This is Jordyn, barely 16, literally manifesting her dreams.

"When that bass drops, I can bang ya like a fiyacracka."



BRUH!

This is one of Jordyn's most imaginative music videos (once again featuring director Nayip Ramos), in which she and a couple of her cohorts play inmates of a girl's correctional facility, exploiting some of the tropes from women's prison flicks. It's so much fun! And if you've ever stalked her Instagram (just between you and me, I may have gotten my account suspended for running a page-loading script just to get to the start of her timeline - what's the point of having those pictures posted if it's humanly impossible to pull them up?), then you'll know Jordyn's faux crime ("too many selfies") isn't stretching the truth. Obviously, the slang term "bruh" was in use long before Jordyn got a hold of it, but I can honestly credit her for getting me to start saying it... sarcastically.

"I'mma let you, I'mma let you finish, but... bruh!"



All I Need

In this sunny video, Jordyn sings a pop ballad to young love - deep, yet fleeting - perfectly encapsulated in the chorus (which I catch myself singing in my head from time to time). The lyrics are poignantly prescient, as time casts a wistful sheen over the proceedings, in light of the fact that the video co-stars Jordyn's then boyfriend who is now her long-time ex.

"We're gonna be together forever... for right now."

For another song that portrays romance with an underpinning of melancholy, take a beach vacay with Summer, and view an even more mature side of Jordyn. If, on the other hand, it's more upbeat pop covers you want to hear, I can recommend Starving and The Middle, as well as an angelic duet with Sam Bruno singing Ariana Grande's No Tears Left To Cry.



New (Daya cover)

For this video, we once again take a darker turn, with a glamorous-looking Jordyn in the back seat of a car riding through the city at night, agonizing over a messy breakup, and realizing only too late the value of what she's lost. Although it's a cover, the emotion is palpable, and I enjoy the play of the lyrics. In fact, I prefer it to Jordyn's cover of another, more popular Daya song - Sit Still, Look Pretty (although that one is also good, and I appreciate its message of empowerment).

"Messing with someone new, thinking I wanted to;
turns out I don't want new - I want you."



Ain't My Fault (Zara Larsson cover)

"It ain't my fault you came here lookin' like that."

I love the way this song sounds. I also love the video. I think it's really cute the way Jordyn repeats the word "nope" in the chorus. I love how it's shot in a single take, while Jordyn moves around the studio. I love how the backup dancers come in and out of frame at different points during the song. I love the way Jordyn whips her ponytail around. I don't even care that the lyrics sound rapey; fair or not, when it's a pretty girl singing them, I'll let it slide. If you like the sentiment, but want something a little less problematic, check out Can't Say No from Jordyn's 2019 self-titled EP.

"Can't say no when you're lookin' like that."



Think About U

"Every time I think about you, I just think of making love."

This is my choice of videos from the aforementioned EP. The song is pop, but the video has a bit of a grungey aesthetic, and features Jordyn practically dripping with desire. Also of interest is the video for More, another track from Jordyn's EP, featuring Jordyn with cotton candy blue hair. Notable in that it co-stars Jordyn's more recent ex, I daresay the wound might still be too fresh to properly enjoy it.

"More of your touch, more of your eyes, more of your tongue..."

That said, it's not as raw as watching Jordyn and her ex play-act a fight in the video that portrays her ending up on the beach at sunset with duet partner Wesley in Intimate.

"I'm trying to keep it intimate, so let me know if you are into it."



Blind

"I fall deep, take the pain till I can't breathe."

Released in April of 2020, this is the epitome of "quarantine" music videos - featuring Jordyn rolling around alone in bed in a thin crop top and ripped jeans. You'll either love or hate the video's unwavering commitment to its retro VHS aesthetic - personally, I think it's spot on. I prefer this one precisely for its raw quality, but you might also like to check out Jordyn's somewhat more polished-looking video covering Hayley Kiyoko's Curious, in which she also appears in bed looking scrumptious. It doesn't have the heart-aching quality of Blind, but it's very flowery, white, and sweet-sounding.

"I'm just curious - is it serious?"



Love You Less

We finish this list with the last video Jordyn released before pivoting to podcast host, and probably the most imaginative one since BRUH! (once again featuring director Nayip). Jordyn embodies the role of a bad girl (somewhat ironically), dressed in scandalous outfits and (gasp!) smoking a cigarette. She's speeding down a desert highway, emotionally detached from the destruction she's leaving in her wake. With explosions, flashing cop cars, and even a flamethrower, the production mimics that of a Hollywood blockbuster. It's all a great deal of fun.

"I'm a train wreck for ya, I'm a mess;
God, you're such a heartbreak takin' off my dress."

And there you have it! I hope you've received a fraction of the enjoyment I get from viewing these videos. And Jordyn - thank you for sharing your talent, beauty, and positive energy with the world. I am in your corner, and I'll be looking forward to seeing what you do next. #teamjordyn #jjswag

Slumber Party Massacre

This is one of those movies that, before seeing it, I thought for sure that it would be too good to be true. I was convinced that it would be some tacky low-budget cash-in on the slasher craze that erupted after the popularity of John Carpenter's Halloween in 1978. But I was wrong, it actually turned out to be a serious slasher with that vintage 80s movie feel. Perhaps not free of cliches (I just shook my head at the cat-in-the-closet gag), but I give it the benefit of the doubt considering that it was made in 1982 - before even the first A Nightmare On Elm Street. Nevertheless, it was an entertaining movie, that builds to an exciting climax (if a rather abrupt ending), and I recommend it to fans of the classic slasher genre. And the fact that the girls are played as eighteen is made up for by the actual inclusion of nudity (in addition to the not infrequent innuendo) - something I was afraid the movie would shy away from.


"Yuck!" "Oh, faker, you were beating off boys in the fifth grade."

Sex as Vice

Seriously, stay away from H.
I just watched a German movie about heroin addiction (based on a true story, I hear) because it stars a really gorgeous young girl. It took me three hours to watch the two hour movie, on account of my constant pausing to take screen caps. I thought to myself, if I had an opportunity to interact with girls as gorgeous as this one more often in my everyday life, I might not be quite so compelled to save images of them when they turn up in movies - because I wouldn't be so desperate for that wonderful feeling I get from gazing at a pretty girl, that I'd feel the need to horde every instance of it that I come across. Then again, it might just be the photographer's impulse in me to capture beauty whenever I see it.

*snap*
It was a really great movie - I don't want the following rant to suggest otherwise. But during the (really graphic) scene where the girl and her boyfriend go through withdrawal, I thought to myself, why is it that this is the kind of scene I have to settle for if I want to watch a 14 year old girl writhing around in her underwear? [As an aside, why do I even need an excuse? Why can't a person admit that watching 14 year old girls writhing around in their underwear can be a pleasurable experience? Why doesn't anyone make films to satisfy that specific need? Or, more importantly, why is it that if somebody made such a movie, they'd probably end up in court or jail or on the gallows?] I could watch a "cleaner" movie that doesn't have the grim drug abuse angle, but I doubt such a movie would include the sexual aspect. Why is it that sex is married to vice? Whether it's drugs, violence (the best thing about the horror genre is gratuitous teenage sexuality, by the way), or just the darker side of sex itself - rape, prostitution, disease - it seems the only way to find anything more interesting than boring, married, under-the-sheets sex is to go underground.

Withdrawal is not pretty. Well, sometimes it is.
There are two issues at work here, the combination of which is making my job as a writer exceedingly difficult. The one is the marriage of sex and vice, and the other is the issue of underage sexuality. I find that the first is amplified in cases involving the second. Underage sex is inherently a controversial topic, that nobody wants to be accused of promoting. Yet it happens. And so, people write stories about it. But it seems like instead of emphasizing the cases where the sex could be a positive experience, it's only acceptable to broach the subject if you paint it in darker colors. Adult sex may sometimes be a happy affair (even when it's not boring, married, under-the-sheets sex), but any serious exploration of underage sex has to associate itself with the seedy world of vice, or else nobody will accept it.

After all, good kids don't have sex, right?
The reason this bothers me is that I don't like the assumption that if I'm attracted to a girl who is only 14 years old, that automatically means that I also want to get her hooked on heroin, and involved in prostitution, and god knows what else. The truth is, she's gorgeous - can you deny that? And if I could be her friend, I'd support her and admire her and I would do everything I could to keep her from going down the path of drug abuse and prostitution, or offer my concern and devotion in the hope that it would help her find the strength to kick the habit. I'd love to see her living a happier life, without having to turn tricks on the street just to afford the next hit, watching her friends die one after another. At the same time, I still think she's attractive and while I don't condone engaging in indiscriminate, unprotected sex, I don't see a problem with acknowledging the sexual side of her nature (like admitting that she looks great in underwear, and even better out of it). It's the whole "sex as vice" attitude that automatically paints this as a dangerous thing. Whatever happened to responsible sexuality (no, I'm not talking about abstinence)? To me, the way I approach sexuality (which doesn't even have to involve sex), it's not a dangerous thing.

It's a beautiful thing.
The older I get, the more keenly aware I am of the prejudice against men who refuse to deny their attraction to girls under the age of majority - even those who are already sexually mature. But because I continue to find young girls attractive, I increasingly feel the need to make the point that there's nothing inherently sinister or criminal about such an attraction. I feel almost stupid having to defend myself on this count, because it's really quite natural the feelings I have, and very common ("18 and over" is a social construct, not a biological mandate). But, the way the world has been moving lately, you'd think it was a crime to admit a girl is sexually desirable if she's under 18 (I certainly get that feeling at times), unless you're strictly her age-peer. Perhaps through honesty we can eventually come to the point where we can separate positive sexuality from vice, so that sex can be seen as more than just a weapon the experienced use to exploit the innocent, or that the innocent wield naively, resulting in blind mutual destruction. For me, it's simply a celebration of life and pleasure and all things that are beautiful in this world. Unless you're a Puritan, where's the sin in that?

2D Complex, or How To Never Be Rejected By A Girl Again

This is a notice to all you geeks who are tired of being rejected again and again by every girl you've ever worked up the guts to approach. Follow these four easy steps and I guarantee you will never be rejected by a girl again. No, I'm not going to teach you how to be a pick-up artist, I am going to show you how to develop a 2D complex so you can experience the unconditional love of a fictional character. Sure, you'll have to sacrifice the possibility of ever touching, speaking to, or even seeing a real girl again, but it's worth avoiding the humiliation of being rejected yet again, right? Of course it is. Just don't back out halfway through, because the farther you get, the less likely a real girl will ever want to share your company, okay?

Step 1: Become a shut-in. [Hikikomori Stage]

If you can't win, give up.
You know that feeling you get every time you look at a girl when you're out in the real world? You know, that horrible feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you realize that your very purpose for existence - pairing off with an attractive member of the opposite sex in order to immortalize your genes in the form of wonderful, precious offspring - is hopelessly out of your reach? The feeling of knowing - knowing! - that that girl you would give the entire world to if she asked for it, wouldn't so much as spit in your general direction - that is, if she had any idea you even existed? The only reliable way to eliminate that feeling is to stop going out into the real world. Shut yourself in, so that you'll never have to feel bad while looking at a girl again. After all, real girls are just a reminder of how much of a failure at life you are, right? They are the enemy.

Now then, in order to survive, you're going to need a steady supply of food. If you're lucky enough to be loved by your parents more than you obviously deserve, you can take advantage of their unselfish good will and force them (by threat of the shame of having to admit that their wonderful, precious offspring, with whom they share their genes, is a socially awkward, incompetent loser) to provide you with the basic necessities of life. Otherwise, you'll need a dishonest source of income that doesn't require you to interact with society (like inheritance - hint, hint), so that you can sneak out under the cover of night to your nearest convenience store to pick up a crate of cup ramen and a case of soda every few weeks, as necessary.


Step 2: Immerse yourself in the world of anime. [Otaku Stage]
Now that you're sufficiently cut off from the world and its constant reminders of your inadequacy as a human being, you can begin to lose yourself in the wonderful world of fantasy. In this day and age, it is imperative that you have a reliable internet connection, so that you can steal enough media to keep you entertained for the 20 hours of each day you'll spend staring at your computer monitor with nothing better to do. If you have the cash, you can boost your power level among other illustrious shut-ins (with whom you will be conversing on web-based image boards, of course), by padding your shelves with rows upon rows of anime DVDs and manga compilations. It's a great way to show off both your personal taste, and your dedication to the lifestyle.


Step 3: Choose a waifu. [Moe Stage]
By now you should already be aware of the great appeal of 2D girls. All 2D girls are pretty, and they're always pretty - even when they have bad hair days, they are still adorable. And they never age. They are perfect because they're drawn to be perfect. Spend enough time with them, and you'll never be able to appreciate 3D girls with all their gross imperfections again - and this is a good thing, because 3D girls rejected you, remember?

With 2D girls, no matter how much you stare at them and drool, fantasizing about all the nasty things you'd like to do to them (probably fueled by those fan-made hentai doujins you were reading earlier), they will never - I repeat, NEVER - so much as glance at you with a disapproving look (unless that turns you on, because seriously, every interest is accounted for). They never complain, they never nag, they never get mad at you for saying the wrong thing, and they don't care how revolting you look or smell, or how wretched a person you are. They will still love you! They will let you do anything you want to them, and they will always be available to listen to you complain about how much life sucks, without interruption.

So what kind of anime girl is right for you? The Lifeless Doll, who won't ever bother you with memories of what it's like to feel? The Magical Girl, an ordinary schoolgirl who moonlights as a crime fighter? The Pop Idol, whom everybody adores? The Tsundere, who is just as likely to kick you in the groin as kiss you? The Quiet Bookworm who wears glasses? The 900 Year Old Child, combining the wisdom of maturity with the spryness of youth? The choices are endless!


Truly, endless.
If you don't know what you want, then I suggest playing a few dating sims, so you can try the different types of girl out, until you find something you like. And why limit yourself to one? You could choose to lovingly dedicate yourself to a single waifu, or you could spread yourself around - it's entirely up to you and your principles. I, personally, am polyamorous. My affection knows no bounds. I'm not jealous, either. Beware, if you don't like to share, you may have a lot of angry fanboys to fend off when you finally announce your choice of waifu. But stand strong, and don't ever let anyone tell you you can't have the one you love, just because she loves another. She's your waifu, only you know her true feelings. =D

Step 4: Create a shrine. [Hentai Stage]
Once you've got a waifu, you must honor and cherish her. The best way to do this is to post likenesses of her up and down the walls of your room (posters, cloth wall scrolls, and even pencil boards work well), and to purchase plastic effigies of her to line your shelves, and especially your computer desk.


Welcome to my harem.
And don't forget to feed her! Holidays are a great excuse to have a romantic dinner.


And when you're finally ready to consummate your fantasy marriage, you can look into getting a nice, soft, huggable version of your waifu, that you can actually take to bed with you.


This is a big step, and you might be feeling uncertain about whether you're ready for it, but how can you show true dedication to your waifu if you're sleeping alone? Go the distance; she'll thank you for it, and you won't regret it. Plus, if you're feeling especially excited, there are certain devices you can look into getting that will enhance your time together. ;)

That's it! Follow these four steps and you will never be lonely again. If you do it right, your attraction to 3D girls will subside, as they can never measure up to the untarnished beauty of all the 2D girls in your life. You'll be just as disgusted by them as they are by you. And that's a step above where you were to begin with. Of course, you'll never get to experience the feel of warm flesh against your body, or know the intimacy that can exist between two individuals who selflessly dedicate themselves to each other, and you can definitely forget about those wonderful, precious offspring you didn't have any hope of having anyway. You could always suck it up and look past your own flaws and failures, lift your head up, and march toward a more confident future - giving real girls a reason to notice you. But really, that's hard work, and the chances of success are too low, and loving a collection of lines on a piece of paper is so much easier. After all, your waifu exists primarily in your mind, and no real girl can ever get that close.

Pretty & Sexy

There are a lot of things in my mind that I'd love to discuss but I refrain from on account of avoiding controversy. Like, for example, the feminist implications of The Runaways' short career (specifically, the politics of sexuality as it relates to the different approaches to feminism). And I love controversy. But while I love to revel in it when it's produced by others, I'm more hesitant to produce it myself, because of the risk of attracting negative attention from others (something I'm not too fond of). And yet, a lot of what I do is already pretty controversial. You'd think I'd be immune to those fears by now.

The dilemma I face at this moment involves the potential (imagined?) conflict between my admiration of pretty girls, and my interest in the sensual, erotic side of life. And this has implications that go beyond me being afraid to add a pretty girl as a contact on flickr, for fear of scaring her away when (if) she finds out I am an erotic/nude photographer. This is the curse of every softcore pornographer - too tainted to charm the more sophisticated elements of society, yet too pure to be satisfied consorting with only the perverted bottomfeeders (I refer to this dilemma more generally as "The Unhappy Medium", which haunts my life). Here the impact of sex negativism can be felt clearly. If we had a healthy, positive attitude towards sex, then sensual individuals would more readily be judged based on their character, rather than on the simple fact that they embrace sensuality (as opposed to shunning and shaming it, as any decent person would do).

Maybe I am, once again, overreacting. My approach to sensuality is very clearly unique, and distinct from (and more sophisticated than) the usual, basic one that is most often assumed (that is, insensitive animal lust). And yet, from a glance or two - a first impression - how easy is that to glean? In fact, the "purest" and most "innocent" elements of society don't even make the distinction between tasteful sensuality and perverted filth - it's one and the same. Are these, then, people that I have no business associating with, in the first place? Ah yes, that's the easy answer. But what if they're pretty? What if they're beautiful? As an aesthetic artist, I cannot simply ignore such a thing. And the rarer and prettier the pearl, the stronger the desire to shine it. How does a nude photographer approach a pretty girl and ask her to pose for him (not necessarily nude)? While I'd enjoy taking sexy photographs of sexy girls, and pretty photographs of pretty girls, I want more than anything else to take sexy photographs of pretty girls.

On a related topic, I've been very interested in Lolita fashion lately (ever since the con). And I say "related" because any self-respecting Lolita would be appalled to find their fashion mentioned in the context of a post containing the word "sexy" in its title (barring the all-too-common ironic exceptions in the form of public denial). And no, I'm not backing out on my support of the tenet that Lolita fashion is nonsexual. In fact, it's the modesty that, perhaps in some twisted way, attracts me to it. (Not like that, jeez). But the issue comes up that some people might be offended by my interest in Lolita fashion, on account of the fact that I actually thought Nabokov's Lolita (in no way affiliated with the fashion, except in name only) was a brilliant - and even partly sexy - novel. And the fact that, while I don't exactly broadcast it (at least not in direct terms), I'm not actually offended by animated lolicon. (And if you don't know what that means, you probably don't want to). Or even just the simple fact that I am a man, and thus my interest in women's fashion is suspect (of perverted motives), by default (because if a man has an interest in girly things, it must be because he gets a sick sexual thrill out of it (by the way, are there any healthy sexual thrills?), and not because he might actually identify with girly things (then again, a man who identifies with girly things is abnormal anyway)). Yes, I am a pervert, and I am not ashamed to admit it, but not everything I do is perverted. I'm capable of keeping separate things separate, I'm just not so certain that others are capable of seeing it that way.

Even so, the question of attraction comes up. Are [heterosexual] males normally attracted to prettiness in girls? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think so. Are they sexually attracted to prettiness, or is that a different aspect of the attraction? Regardless, it is an aspect of the overall attraction. So why should pretty things not be sexual? Not to say that we should eliminate the line between them - pretty is pretty and sexy is sexy and they each have a distinct appeal. But can they not be combined favorably in some instances? I would say certainly! Observe:


Meet sexy (Yoko), and pretty (Nia). Now certainly, pretty girls can be sexy, and sexy girls can be pretty, but the best girls are the ones who are sexy & pretty, simultaneously:


Chii is, in my opinion, the epitome of the pretty + sexy girl. Of course, some may argue that Chii is simply pretty + lots of exposed skin, and not the sexy archetype - which might well be true. But "sexy" means different things to different people, and exposed skin is sexy to me (very sexy), provided the skin being exposed belongs to a pretty girl. :3 I don't hate T&A, but the stereotypical way they are presented almost seems to me a "masculine" presentation of sexuality. I'm turned on by a more delicate, feminine presentation of sexuality. Which is why Chii's pretty face, beautiful hair, soft skin, and long legs (frequently bared), attract me more than the lumps on the front or back of her body (not that I don't like them, mind you). And her gentle personality completes the package, turning her into an object of love, not simply lust, for me.

We've been skirting around the very similar issue of cute vs. sexy, here, and I know someone who will certainly say that cute = sexy. There is truth to that statement. I think, much like the feminine vs. "masculine" presentation of sexuality discussed above, it's a matter of taste. I've always been more attracted to cute features than outright "sexy" features. And, as it turns out, cuteness is more often associated with youthfulness, while sexiness is considered an "adult" trait. I believe that a lot of this has to do with social constructs - the fact that sex is an "adult" activity, and thus only adults are allowed to be sexy, and saying that a non-adult is sexy is politically incorrect - but it's also true that there is a physical quality to youthfulness that has a specific appeal, unrivaled by the appeals of age (subjectively speaking, at least).

The problem with saying that youthfulness is sexy, is that people will start asking, well, how young is too young? There is a too young, right? Right? All I can say about that is, different people have different preferences. And as long as we are talking about appreciating beauty (whether it's cuteness, prettiness, or sexiness), there's no logic behind labeling what sort of objects (I'm sorry, subjects) are allowed (or ought) to be appreciated, and which aren't. Aesthetic admiration is an involuntary emotional reaction, and policing it means putting restriction on thought - especially spontaneous thought that can't really be controlled. Not only is this a gross miscarriage of justice and basic liberty, but, thankfully, it's impossible to enforce (at least for the time being).

Where I'm going with this is, I don't see any point in punishing somebody for admiring beauty in another person. When I look at a pretty girl on flickr who places a clear statement against "perverts" in her profile, it makes me feel bad for being a sensual being that happens to find her to be attractive. Again, maybe I don't fit that profile of the run-of-the-mill "pervert", but I'm not exactly Mother Mary, either. This is exactly like the old pseudo-feminist ploy of trying to convince the world that when a man finds a woman attractive, it's a form of rape. Hopefully, anyone with reason will agree that this is ridiculous, but it doesn't eliminate the conflict between the sexually "tainted" and the attractively "pure". And when I say that, I don't mean that these girls are attractive because they're "pure" (I don't define real purity based on sexual experience), but that they happen to be attractive and "pure", thus making that attraction some kind of assault against their "purity".

So I'm probably making a big deal about this, but the bottom line is that I don't want to feel guilty for thinking a girl is pretty. There are sexy things in life that I enjoy, and there are pretty things in life that I enjoy, and I don't want to feel like I can't enjoy them both, whether combined or separate (as the individual occasion merits). Yet I don't want to offend the sensibilities of one or the other. Of course, if I was not suffering from social anxiety, I could just send this girl (who is old enough to drink, and is married, by the way) a friendly flickr mail, proving that I am a gentleman and not just another of the countless creepy perverts that are allegedly out there, and then wait for a response instead of agonizing over how I might be judged, and assuming the worst case scenario. But then, you wouldn't have gotten the chance to read this post about my winding thoughts regarding aesthetics and sexual politics. You see, I suffer for you!

(On the other hand, I like talking about pretty girls, because it makes me feel good inside. Almost as good as when I get to look at them. Have another picture of Chii:)

Jailbait Rock

I tried to write up a cohesive post about The Runaways after seeing the movie (the first time ;p), but it didn't quite come together. But since The Runaways is definitely my current obsession (or at least one of them), I just have to spend some time talking about them.


The Runaways was an all-girl rock band (officially the first) that formed in Los Angeles and existed during the latter half of the 1970s, and included Joan Jett, who would go on to a successful solo career. I, personally, didn't know about The Runaways until I heard that a film about the band was being shot, starring Hollywood hotties Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning (former Hollywood cutie). I'm not ashamed to admit this was my introduction to the band - and anyway, I love the music, and I've become a genuine fan, so it's win-win, right?


So what's the appeal of The Runaways? It should be obvious. The band (and the movie) combines two of my favorite things in the world - rock music...and jailbait! And on that note, I recommend this refreshingly honest review of the movie. (Go ahead, read it now. I'll wait.)


Isn't the poster hot? "It works on so many levels - and most of them will get you arrested." If you're feeling uncomfortable right about now, then you're probably not a rocker. Rock is raw and rebellious; it is violent and sexual. For all the verbal abuse producer/manager Kim Fowley spewed, he was right about the music. Although I think women's lib was an important part of what The Runaways did (i.e., prove that girls can rock just as hard as men - and boy, can they ever!), women's libido was an equally important component. Which is why I was disappointed by the scene where the band gets upset over Cherie's risqué photoshoot. It's not a distraction, it's an integral part of the formula!


The movie, I am told, is based on the real Cherie Currie's memoir, Neon Angel. As such, it focuses on her and Joan Jett's part of the story, emphasizing the chemistry between the two. The end product is a wildly entertaining rock biopic with lesbian overtones (which gives it a decided advantage over other rock biopics), complete with the requisite kickass soundtrack (I was particularly delighted to hear The Stooges during an especially memorable scene). I saw the movie twice in its limited run (don't be fooled, there was no true "wide" release) and enjoyed it just as much both times. I bumped into a fan after the second showing who [enthusiastically] confessed that it was her ninth viewing! This is a movie that I really recommend.

Compare
After my first viewing of the new movie, I tracked down the other Runaways movie that's been made - Edgeplay. Rather than a fictional dramatization, it's a documentary featuring interviews with the band members (minus Joan Jett, unfortunately) and those who were close to the band. So you get a nice picture of the "true" story (at least how it's remembered by those who were there) of the band, and get to know the real members (instead of actresses playing those members - although Kristen and Dakota did a fantastic job). If you're interested in the gritty details of the band, I definitely recommend it, though for sheer entertainment, the new movie is where it's at.


Now let's talk about the actual band. The Runaways had punk and glam influences, but they were a solid rock band through and through. The drummer (Sandy West) and lead guitarist (Lita Ford) were known to have jammed on Deep Purple songs; Cherie Currie (lead singer) was fond of David Bowie; and Joan Jett (guitar, vocals, songwriting) was largely inspired by Suzi Quatro. The band released their self-titled debut in 1976, followed by Queens of Noise in 1977, and a live album recorded during their tour of Japan in that year (they were an instant hit in Japan). Their first two albums are really good, with a lot of great tracks, and the live album is even better. The lead guitar has more room to breathe in concert (compared to the studio), and the live sound on the album is just great.


What are my favorite tracks? Cherry Bomb, which kicks off the first album, is an infectious hit (in a good way). It was written by Joan Jett and Kim Fowley for Cherie Currie when she was added to the band as the lead singer/frontgirl. The song itself is good, but the symbolism behind it - how it represents Cherie, and the raw sexuality of it - adds to its appeal for me. The closing track of the first album, Dead End Justice, is captivating, with the traded off vocals between Joan and Cherie telling a whole story. I was excited to hear part of that song performed in the movie. I can't possibly name all the songs I like, because then I'd just end up listing their whole discography, but from the second album I like Johnny Guitar, which is a bit different from the rest of the band's songs, and has more guitar noodling than average (hence my interest). Really though, the more I listen to these songs, the more I like them, and the more of them I like.


After the Japan tour/album, Cherie unfortunately quit the band. The next album, Waitin' For The Night, features a stronger (and heavier) Joan presence, as she steps up to fill the gap left by Cherie's departure. Don't get me wrong, I love Joan, and I think the songs on this album are strong - they would sound fantastic played out of context - but together they get a little repetitive, as it sounds like the same basic formula repeated song after song (Fantasies is a standout track, though). The band's fourth and final studio album before disbanding, And Now... The Runaways, took the band in a new direction (thanks to new management). The end result is kinda light and poppy, and mostly not as interesting as the band's earlier material.

But there is plenty to love about this band, that much is certain. And instead of writing a conclusion, I'm gonna take the band's example and just run away. :p If you like what you've read/seen/heard here, be sure to pick up one of their albums, or keep your eye open for the movie.

Tekko '10 (Spoils)

Let's jump back to the Dealer's Room on Saturday afternoon at the con, where I made my purchases. But first, I'll tell you a secret. I had a gift card I've been trying to get rid of ever since Christmas. I brought it with me, hoping I'd be able to use it, and it worked swimmingly. As such, since I was eager to use the gift card up rather than hold onto it indefinitely (which is what I was doing with it by that point), I actually had something of a nice budget to blow at the Dealer's Room. Thus I ended up buying considerably more than I would have bought had I not had that gift card, but I'm completely satisfied with how that turned out.


One of the things I had thought of before the con to look for when I got there was a school uniform. You can call me whatever names you want, but I was inspired by the idea of hanging one up on my wall (no, I wasn't actually planning on wearing it :p). There were two problems with that plan, though. First, is the concern I have about cosplay fabrics, which seem cheaper and faker than what they use for real clothes (which kind of irks me, because I think "costumes" look better when they actually look like clothes and not costumes). The other problem was that, of the serafuku cosplay I spied in the Dealer's Room, they were all alternative colors or styles, and not the classic blue/white/red ribbon style that I'm looking for. Not to say that I don't like those other styles, but for my purposes, it's supposed to serve as a symbol, and as such, it should be the most iconic style.


Anyway, in place of that, I ended up buying a serafuku pillow that I spotted instead, which is similar, and quite cute. I'm really impressed with it.


The shiny red bow is reminiscent of the sailor senshi's uniforms.


Look, it even has pantsu!


And to save you the trouble of asking, yes, it's a DFC pillow. -_^

As for my other purchases, I bought all of four figures, all of them larger than the capsule/trading type that I focused on last year. Since I kind of ended up overdosing on Eva figures last year, I restricted myself to just one Asuka figure this year, which I like, although it's not the one I saw last year that I regret not buying (since it was kind of expensive).




It's a very nice figure, featuring Asuka in an attractive ground sit pose, with her civilian clothes modestly disheveled, and a suggestion of wind blowing through her hair. On her face is painted a look of slight melancholy. This is a figure that tells a story. You can't help wondering what set of circumstances led her to be in this condition.


Pantsu Check:


Pantsu? Check!

The figure also comes with a box of combat rations, which includes some sort of crackers and a lump of "crystal sugar". I can't decide whether to eat them or save them for the Second Impact...




One of the other figures I bought was a Nagi in a white swimsuit, likely a result of my being inspired by watching Kannagi earlier in the day.



When I asked the vendor for the price, he offered to open the box and take out the (wrapped) pieces so I could inspect them. As he pointed out, there is a very faint blush on the goddess' cheeks which is hard to see on the box art. It enhances the erotic effect of the figure.


A close inspection of Nagi's bust (like you could resist :p) reveals that she is probably not as flat as she is supposed to be, but the inflation is minimal, and not outside my standards of acceptability, thus I will refrain from lodging a complaint.


I'm happy with this figure, even though it's a little out of character (a large part of Nagi's charm is her whimsical mischievousness). Also, I'm particularly fond of Nagi's distinctive regular outfit, even down to the boots, and would love to have another figure with her in those clothes. Maybe someday.

I saw three different Nia (from Gurren Lagann) figures that I liked, but I ended up going for the standard one rather than either the swimsuit or maid figure, based purely on the fact that she was the only one of the three who had the longer hairstyle that I prefer.



It's still a cute outfit, though, and all the elements of her style are there - from the psychedelic eyes and puffy blue-yellow hair, to her pink clothes, and the flower in her hair. Very girly. Just the way I like her. :3



I'll admit, though I liked her character from the start anyway, I've grown more attached to her than I would have otherwise, considering that I sleep with her in my bed every night. ;-) Speaking of which, I saw a few dakimakura at one of the booths, including a tempting Nia one, but they were half the size of the one I have (at most), and being official products, not quite as naked. ;-)

Pantsu Check:


Pantsu? Check!

The last of the figures I bought is a fully posable Tohsaka Rin (queen of the zettai ryouiki), from the Fraulein Revoltech line. If I hadn't picked up the box for closer inspection at the last minute before deciding on another purchase, I wouldn't have noticed it was a posable figure (now I'm wondering if those Rei and Asuka figures I saw from the same line were posable too), and wouldn't have thought to buy it.


The idea of being able to pose a figure takes me back to the days of my childhood when I actually played with my toys, rather than just stare at them and drool. Not that the two approaches aren't compatible.




Rin comes with a magic blade, and four different pairs of changeable hands, including one pair with her holding her magic gems between her fingers. The addition of a posing stand is convenient, so you can stabilize the figure even in the midst of unbalanced action poses.



Playing around with her is fun, though she has quite the habit of falling apart. Adjusting an arm frequently leads to reattaching that arm, and I even had Rin's back come off at one point.


(I couldn't resist.)
It's all quite put-back-together-able, and I presume that's how it's supposed to be, but correct me if I'm wrong, because I've played with posable toys before that don't have a habit of falling apart. In any case, it's pretty neat - I mean, even Rin's twintails are posable!


Perfect for indicating motion.

Pantsu Check:


Pantsu?


Check! Actually, I had to split her in two to get the last of the plastic sheets off of her, and her stomach is nicely detailed. Bonus points for that, since it's an area that really isn't meant to be exposed on this figure.

In addition to the above figures, I bought three Chobits "posters", which are actually done in that nice pencil board material, though they are the size of small posters and not your typical smaller pencil board. They are three very nice designs, including the one I described as "Heaven" in a blog entry from almost a year ago. Since the material is sort of translucent, the "posters" look very nice backlit, such as against a window.




(My window doesn't produce a whole lot of light...)
I know I said I didn't have any room left for this kind of thing, but these looked just too good for me to pass up (and considering how I feel about Chii...). I didn't even see them at first, because they were hanging low off the front of the booth of one of the vendors, below my vision. That was a good booth. They had some nice figures and t-shirts and buttons and posters, and one of the guys working behind it, a Japanese guy, recognized my Behelit (one of only two people) and described to me some rare Berserk merchandise. He also told me these Chobits "posters" were rare. I believe it. They're very nice.

And while we're speaking of vendors, I saved the receipts from my purchases this year, so I can actually tell who I bought my stuff from. I mention this because last year I wrote about how nice the one vendor was whom I bought the majority of my Eva not-so-blind box figures from, but I had no idea what store he represented. Well, the same guy was there again this year, and he's the one I bought my Rin, Nia, and Asuka figures from. And he was representing Kyoto Anime. So now you know. And now I think I'll get back to playing with my toys.