Titular Appellation

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, but I can't promise to stick to anything that doesn't hold enough interest for me to expend the effort on it. Okay, maybe that's unnecessarily harsh; it's just tough for me to sit down and write about the stuff on my mind every single day. I could say that it's either because nothing of note ever happens in my life, or that things haven't changed enough to really warrant commenting on (both of which are true, at least to some extent), but from an honest perspective, that would just be making excuses.

I could talk about everything that happened yesterday, and everything that happened in the past week, and everything that happened in the past month, but that's too much work. So I'll talk about what happened today. Though I might have to fill in some blanks.

I got a couple small packages (nothing compared to the big package I got a couple days ago) today. One of them is a CD I was expecting, and another was a DVD that I forgot I was expecting, even though I just ordered it recently, along with (though separate from) the CD. But it was a nice surprise to be reminded of it when it's already there at your doorstep. I have a very relaxed approach toward having things shipped to me. I trust the gears to turn, and I try not to get "package anxiety", where every single day you get your hopes up that the package will be there only to be disappointed again and again until it finally arrives. Let the chips fall where they may, and when it arrives, I'll be pleasantly surprised to see it. Not to call names or anything, but I have a friend, and I've been noticing lately that he seems to have a strong desire to know exactly where the package is at every step of the journey, and exactly when it's scheduled to arrive at the doorstep. Whatever his reasons are, to each his own.

So the CD was an album from 1968 called Living With The Animals by a band called Mother Earth. Somebody who read my Michael Bloomfield guide on Amazon.com emailed me and alerted me to the fact that Bloomfield plays guitar on at least one track on that album, so naturally I had to check it out. It's a pretty good album, with a pretty good strong-voiced female vocalist (Tracy Nelson) on a number of the tracks, and the title track Mother Earth, which clearly features Bloomfield's leads, is pretty smokin'. It's not something I'd probably have come across on my own, without knowing about Bloomfield's contribution, but I consider it a worthy addition to my album collection.

The DVD I got is a British exploitation film that I saw a trailer for in my latest Grindhouse Double Feature purchase, after which I was convinced that it was a film I had to see. The title is Virgin Witch, and I think that really tells you everything you need to know. I haven't watched it yet, but I can't wait. The reviews I read for it said it was a terrible film, which is really not surprising. Whether or not I'll like it remains to be seen, but I think it's safe to say that it's not gonna be a high-quality production. And that really irks me. Why can't an exploitation film that borders on softcore pornography be approached with a level of sophistication? It's like you have to sacrifice sex and nudity for professional merit or something.

That makes me think of a related issue that's been grazing my mind lately. There's a nudist forum that I've come to check regularly in the past couple months, and within it I recall reading over a discussion on how to increase public interest (or at least acceptance) for nudism by means of a wide-release "nudist film" - obviously, a film that promotes the wholesome values of nudism, and not what the sex-crazed perverts and religious prudes think that "nudist film" is really a codeword for.

Well, the opinion seems to be that the best way to go about it is to do a kind of film where the topic of nudism is broached, maybe tell a story of a person getting his friends into nudism, and the issues that come with learning about the lifestyle - that sort of thing. Personally, though it gets the job done of getting information out there, it just seems preachy and too documentary-like to me. My idea, though it may have less to do with "resort nudism" or "nudist etiquette", is just to do a normal film that has nothing to do with nudism, but have everyone in it spend as much time on screen naked as is practical. What better way to get across the message that being nude is a non-issue?

I think it would be a great idea anyway, but it's possible (probable) that society isn't ready for that yet. (insert irate tirade against society and how it oppresses me)

Whew, now that I've got that off my chest! Actually, there's another thing that I've been thinking for a long time, and I've wanted to talk about it, to someone - anyone - but I haven't really had the chance. So I'll do it here. It's about Nude Raider. You know, the nude cheat for Tomb Raider, that makes Lara Croft completely nude. Frankly, I don't see what the huge fuss is about it. The bottom line is, Nude Raider does in fact exist, but it's not popular among the company/loyal fanbase. On the one hand, Lara Croft has always been a sex symbol. Just because she's an empowered female character doesn't mean that she can't be sexy. (Let's not get into the issue of how twisted feminism has become here - I believe in the divine feminine, and I support goddess worship, but some people get the most twisted ideas about what sexuality is supposed to be about - a sexy woman is a strong woman, not an oppressed, misguided woman -- but I didn't want to get into this issue here...)

Anyway, I've always fantasized about guiding Lara through the tombs in naught but her backpack and gun holster (or even minus that). And, to be honest, with the amazing graphics (but unfortunately inferior gameplay) of the recent Tomb Raider Anniversary remake, I've gotten the chance to realize my dream. In fact, with the amazing amount of fan-driven customizability in Lara's texture mapping, I've even had the chance to transform Lara into a blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty, in addition to taking her clothes off! But my point is, just because I get a kick out of watching Lara run around naked, that doesn't mean I want her having sex with all the animals she comes across, or engaging in any number of other lewd and crude activities. But mention "Nude Raider", and the forces of the publicly-deemed "righteous" instantly label you a disgusting perv. Would it make any difference if I called it Nudist Raider?

And that's a serious point. Plenty of nudists enjoy so-called "freehiking". How is "free-tomb-raiding" any less meritorious? Nude Raider is not Sex Raider. Roaming the world in the nude doesn't have to be about getting a sexual thrill, it can be about getting a sensual thrill - the thrill of life, freedom, and the air on your body. And just because guiding a character isn't the same as experiencing the world yourself, it doesn't change the nature of the situation. I'm not gonna go into the issue of "fictional character empathy" and all that.

Maybe this is another reason why I can't get myself to write regularly. There're so many connected threads that I get going in one direction and then all these roads open up and I just can't stop. It becomes such a time-consuming and effort-expending experience that the next time I think about doing it, I decide that I can't afford it in my busy schedule of nothings, so I scrap the idea. I'm already getting tired of this entry, and I feel like I should move on to other things I have (have as in "have available", not as in "must") to do, and I haven't even talked about my experiment with body paint! And I haven't mentioned a stitch about Guild Wars, which, from the hikikomori's perspective, should be the central topic.

But if you really want to know every thought that goes through my head, then you'd have to be in my head, and I'm not currently open to sending out invitations.

And then of course, it always seems to come down to the existential point of "who cares?" What does it matter if I do this or not? In the end, it won't make a difference. So what's the point?

I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Plus, I'm a perfectionist, and that makes everything harder. Though I think I should exert less effort on perfecting these entries, since hardly anybody reads them anyway.

Journal 013

(This entry was originally written by hand last night, while lying in bed.)

Why is it that the more tired I am, the harder it is to get to sleep? What is up with that? My mind goes into overload and my body starts shutting down, but my mind refuses to relax. So I can't stay up, but I can't go to sleep either. Maybe it has to do with having an obsessive personality. I get caught up in something, and I can't focus on anything else. That's why it's hard for me to multitask. Like lately, I've been absorbed in flickr culture, and I have to struggle to force myself to do something else. Because I get in the zone and I wanna ride it out. If I split my concentration, my involvement and ability in any one task will be reduced in power.

I've kind of dropped my post average lately. Partly because I'm doing the same things. How many times should I come on here and say "I'm still looking at nude photos on flickr"? Still, moods change and thoughts come and go and it's good to keep up to base. Or something.

Well, for today (last night?)'s Daily Nude, I accomplished my snow challenge - diving into a snowdrift, completely naked. And, with photographic proof! Oh, it was quite exciting. I planned the shot meticulously before going out, because I knew the cold would not allow for any mistakes. I ended up setting up the camera on the back porch, on top of an old, sturdy clothes hamper for extra height, looking down at the backyard. Soon as the shot was set, I cued the camera, then rushed down the steps (nearly tripping), and laid back into the snow. I grabbed the camera as I rushed back inside to dry off, and discovered that I had positioned myself too far away, outside the range of the camera's flash! So much for not making any mistakes...

Well, I wasn't *too* chilled, and was instead quite thrilled by the experience, so I knew I had to give it one more shot - but just one. I reset everything, and did it again. When I got down in the snow, knowing this was the shot, I wanted to make the most of it, so I tossed some snow over my body just for the sake of going the extra distance. By the time the flash went off, I was anxious to get up. Again, I grabbed the camera on the way in, but this time, I was even more thoroughly wet and chilled.

Giving the camera some time to dry, I only half dried myself off before rushing upstairs into the shower to soak in a cascade of warm water for five minutes or so. Pleasantly refreshed, and warm, I went back down and checked the camera. The shot was a success! Admittedly, it's not exactly the most flattering angle, but considering the circumstances, I'm quite pleased.

Back online, I made the decision to upgrade to a pro account on flickr, after realizing it was a meager $25 for a full year, and mostly for the ability to better organize my photos. While re-organizing my webcam nudes from college, I yet again decided to throw a few more up on there that I had glossed over earlier. I'm gaining a little bit of confidence. Nude, and proud.

Oh, and I did in fact find a group for 365 nudes - two, actually. But here's the problem. One of them is a splinter group from the main 365 group, and despite being a haven for 365 rejects, I still think I'd be too radical to fit in - there seems to be a bias against genitals, for one thing. Now, I don't see much merit in any of those ridiculous cock shots - I understand the curiosity factor, and I've taken some of my own, but never have I considered them to be of any level of worth that I'd want to show them off (seriously, a guy is more than just a penis...) - but, there's a world of difference between a nude (artistic, erotic, or otherwise) showing the genitals (in context), and a shameless dick pic - and I'm against censorship.

Well, the other group I mentioned seems perfect, except for the fact that it's a ghost town, with few members, very few photos in the pool, and *no* activity. And I don't feel comfortable either sabotaging the group, or being the only contributor. I guess there just isn't that much interest in this aspect as I'd like. I like to sit right on the line between art and porn. Artists are afraid to get too close to pornography, and pornographers have agendas which have little or nothing to do with art. But the line can be a beautiful place - stimulating, yet meaningful. But so many people are afraid of getting shot if they get too close to the border. Either that, or they don't have the skill to walk the line. But now I'm just stroking my own ego...

365 Days

I've been browsing through a number of photo pools on Flickr the past month or so, ever since I discovered the wealth of largely non-pornographic, artistic nudes that exist on the site, presumably having been hidden just behind the content filter. Coupled with my newly open attitude (at least in certain arenas) about my interest in nudism as well as nude [self-]photography, and the nifty tripod I recently procured, which has greatly increased my ability to shoot myself, (although I'm still working on finding a solution to the battery obstacle), my photographical interest and inspiration is aroused.

I've come across a certain challenge on Flickr, called 365 Days, in which the idea is for the photographer to post one photograph of him/herself every day for a full year. No excuses, no arguments, just one picture a day. And there are plenty of ideas about various themes and motifs to explore in case you find yourself lacking in ideas. Now, seeing that my primary mode of taking pictures is self-portraiture (considering that I have no models who would express mutual interest in being shot by me), and that my other primary photographic interest - natural landscapes - is hard to do on a nocturnal schedule and a sheltered lifestyle, this challenge seems right up my alley. Granted, I have so far done a terrible job of keeping up with these one-a-day schedules of things that I want to do more of (drawing and practicing guitar are among the recent failures), but what's one more try? Maybe this'll be the one that sticks...

One of the keys to making sure that this project maintains a certain level of interest, so that there's a better chance of me sticking with it, is my decision to try 365 Nudes - a nude a day. Maybe it's silly to restrict myself to nudes, when I could do any kind of mixture as my mood dictates. But the thing about making it nude is that, to me, at this period in my life, that's exciting. Taking a nude picture is a lot more exciting than taking a regular old clothed picture. And my primary interest here is the form of the human body (specifically, mine), and not the contours of textile adornment. That's not to say that every photo has to be buck naked, or even primarily a nude study - I look forward to experimenting with all kinds of props and themes to see what interesting shots I can possibly come up with. On the other hand, I don't want to put too much pressure on myself to compose a masterpiece everyday, or else, I know I'll just give up.

Besides, a lot of pictures I see are way too artistic, way too staged. Not that it's a bad thing, or that a spontaneous snap is gonna be better, but I'd just like to see a lot more normal pictures of normal people, who - and this is the important part - manage to capture something profound without requiring that look of professional polish. To go off on a tangent, it's like in pornography - you see all those air-brushed images of picture-perfect models, and they just don't do anything for you (well, for me, at least). You want to see real people in real environments - but that doesn't mean you want to look at a bunch of half-assed snaps of ugly people. There's a balance to be found between amateur and professional, where a natural kind of beauty can be captured in a natural kind of way. That's what I'd like to see, anyway. There's a lot of beautiful people out there that you'll never see on a magazine cover.

So I don't know if this is gonna last, or if technical problems (like unreliable batteries) are gonna screw me over, or if I'm gonna end up losing the ability to take interesting photos, but I'm excited enough to give it a run. One photo a day, and I'll probably provide a description for each one, or at least something to give it a little context. This will be on my Flickr account.

To Do List

Contrary to what you may believe, my schedule is just as busy as that of anyone who has a job or goes to school. The primary differences are just that 1) there are rarely any deadlines, and 2) most of the things I "have" to do are actually pretty agreeable tasks. In any case, I have a long list of things I'd like to accomplish, and despite their light nature, I do at times feel quite overwhelmed by them. The worst part is how I tend to avoid the most important tasks for the easiest ones.

Here's my current To Do List, more or less:

Video Games To Play

I recently (4, 5, 6? months ago or so) bought a bunch of classic Final Fantasy titles re-released for Playstation, as I was updating my old FF-related webpage, and it got me in the mood to dig up the old classics. As it turned out, I only had a chance to play FFIV and FFV before I got distracted and pulled away to other things. So I still have FFVI and Chrono Trigger to play through, which is something I want to make a point of doing sooner or later. Priority level for this task is pretty low, at this point, however.

I also got Silent Hill 4 for Christmas. I played through Silent Hill 3 last Halloween, so I'm on a break period before I'm ready to tackle another Silent Hill (you can only visit that town so often - too much and it'll tear your soul apart). So at this point it's just a matter of time, waiting for when I feel the call to return to that spooky resort lake town. Playing a Silent Hill title can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks, or longer, depending on how much I focus on the game - I usually tend to put in long hours, when possible, while I'm working on the game, putting all other tasks in the background. In contrast, the Final Fantasy games could easily take weeks, maybe even up to a month, depending on focus.

PC Games To Play

Never been much of a PC gamer - I've always been the console type. However, there are exceptions. I have two visual novels to play through. One - Fate Stay Night - I've spent a lot of time on. There are three (I believe) scenarios to the game and I've played through the main one. The only thing stopping me from the others is waiting on the translations. So sometime in the future when those are done I anticipate completing the game fully. The other game - Ever17 - I haven't even started yet, but it looks interesting, and it was recommended by a friend, so I'm looking forward to playing it, *sometime* when I get around to it.

In addition to those visual novels, there is always Doom - which will always be my favorite PC game (and one of the greatest games ever made). I started on a voyage to play through the Top 100 custom wads (user-designed levels) as voted by Doomworld.com, but only got through most of the second year (they're ranked as the best 10 from each year, spanning a decade) before I got, once again, distracted and pulled away to other things. I will go through all those wad's eventually - Doom has been with me since the beginning, and I've always come back to it again and again through the years. I suspect the time commitment for playing all those wads, some of which are full-on episodes (groups of 8-9 levels), or more, is pretty huge, but I'm not really in any hurry. I originally started playing through them to inspire me while I was working on designing my own Doom levels (another project that's been put on indefinite hold), but since that's not currently on my mind, neither are the wads.

Anime Series To Watch

I am greatly happy that my anime fandom hasn't died out after all these years. I still love watching anime, as much as I ever have, and it's exciting to be on the front lines, seeing some of the series while they're brand new. But I do have a list of series to plow through, and lately that list has been growing faster than it's been shrinking.

I just finished up Genshiken and Zetsubou, so it's nice to check those off the list, although now it looks like there's an alternate Zetsubou-related series (which I haven't started yet). I still have Bamboo Blade to follow, which I'm guessing is around the halfway point right now (unless it goes longer than the standard 24-26 episodes for a full series). In addition to that, I have a number of series waiting in the wings. Among the series my friend has recommended, that I have yet to dive into, is Hayate no Gotoku which, from what I can tell, goes beyond the 26 episode mark. Also, there are a couple series that I've downloaded in full, and have been waiting on plowing through, but haven't gotten around to yet. Namely, the Lodoss TV series, which I've been dying to see ever since being blown away by the original OAV series, and a series called Negima, which attracted me due to being based on a series written by the creator of Love Hina (a series I very much enjoyed), and the fact that it appears to be chock full of cute girls. What's more, there's also Chobits, a series that I've already seen, but since I re-downloaded it, I've been dying to watch it again, because Chii is so damn cute.

And, as if that wasn't enough, there's also the continuation of the Naruto series, which I'm anxious to catch up with. I made a Herculean effort to watch all the two hundred-some episodes of the first series, much of which consisted of dreaded fan-criticized 'filler' (not *that* bad, though). But even now, with the new series, there's already some 44 episodes or so out, and that's 44 episodes that I need to watch before I'm caught up to speed.

As you can see, I have a lot of anime to watch, meaning a lot of time to be wasted watching it. Priority level on most of it is relatively low, except that when I start a series, I like to finish it in a timely fashion. That, and I'd like to keep up on the current series as much as possible, just to 'stay in the game', so to speak.

Manga To Read

And yes, there is also manga for me to read. I've gotten into manga more and more ever since becoming an anime fan. As far as paper series (as opposed to digital stuff on my computer), I'm following Berserk as it comes out in English, volume by volume. I'm also in the middle of School Rumble, which means I don't want to neglect it, if possible. I'm wary of getting into new series, because of the time (and money) commitment they represent, but there are other series I'm interested in reading.

As for the digital stuff, I still have 11 volumes of Kenshin left to read, which has been sitting around for awhile. I'm keeping up with Claymore as it comes out, but that's just a short chapter a month, which is a very small time commitment, and very easy to stay on top of (and also a very good series). Additionally, I have a few Volume 1's from a few different series recommended by my friend that I've been hesitant to jump into because of the time commitment involved if I end up wanting to read more. There's also 51 chapters of Yotsubato, which I recently picked up.

Books To Read

My pile of books to read just keeps growing, and with every title added to the stack, my heart sinks deeper from the knowledge of the commitment involved. I'm in the middle of Dante's Divine Comedy, which, honestly, I started reading about a year ago. I made it through Inferno, and part-way through Purgatorio, before getting (chime in, kids) distracted and pulled away to other things. It's a bit hard to read, because, being an allegory, there's so much uninteresting placement of political and societal facts which bogs down the narrative. It's unfortunate, because, considering the subject, it hasn't shown itself to be as interesting a read as I was expecting. Still, I'm determined to finish it, rather than give up halfway through. But that's proving to be a tough task.

Once I'm finished with that, I have John Milton's Paradise Lost, of a similar theme, that I'd like to read through (I'm crossing my fingers that it's a smoother read than Dante). The whole idea of reading these books, besides my general interest in the topic of heaven and hell as a plot device (Christian mythology is fascinating as fiction, just not as reality), is to serve as inspiration for my own narrative I'm in the process of writing, about journeying through heaven and hell (more on that later). So I see these tasks as not only something I want to do, but something that might have an important influence on what might be my development as a writer - not that I have any lofty ambitions about being a writer, but I do have ideas that I would love to see published some day (in some form), and it would be a great step in the direction of becoming a real artist - someone who profits from his creative instincts. Therefore, the priority level on reading these is high (and yet I've put them off for nearly a year now...).

You might as well get used to right now the inverse relation between priority level and the order in which things get done.

Originally, I was reading through Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series when I took a break to start reading Dante - my mood was ripe for Dante, though in the long run it seems as though I should have just waited. I plowed through the first four books of the Wheel of Time with great interest, and I maintain my excitement to continue the series . . . eventually.

There's a handful of other books, including the ultimate edition of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, which I bought and intended to read years ago now; some other fantasy titles; and Roger Penrose's The Road To Reality - A Complete Guide To The Laws Of The Universe, a book that I doubt I even have the desire to read anymore. Oh, and there's The Illiad and The Odyssey, which I tried to read once a long time ago, but didn't get very far.

And, in the newcomer's corner, there's Clive Barker's Books of Blood, Volumes One To Three, which I just got for Christmas. I'm interested in reading that, and if I enjoy it, there's a good chance I'll pick up volumes 4-6, as well.

For most of those books, the priority is relatively low - no rush. But I have three titles whose priority exceeds even the 'heaven and hell' titles. About a month ago I picked up three self-helpish books on battling social anxiety. My expectations remain realistic, but I'm still hopeful that they might provide *some* information to help me overcome my obstacles and ultimately get out there and make something of my life. I've been waiting on reading them until after finishing up the massive Stones bio, since I've been reading it for awhile, and now that I'm finally finished with it, I think it's time. But for anyone expecting a magical instant transformation, I refer you to NHK Ni Youkoso.

DVD's To Watch

Leftover from Christmas, I still have both Crossroads Guitar Festivals to watch, as well as the majority of Millenium. Millenium is three seasons, and I have about 70 episodes left to watch, I think, at around 40 minutes an episode, I'd say. I've got into the habit of watching one episode at a time, instead of marathoning it. Generally, I'll watch an episode after dinner on the weekdays.

I also received a few more DVD's for my birthday. Included are 300 (worth it for the oracle scene alone), Sunshine (an interesting title that I'm looking forward to seeing - by the director of 28 Days Later), a triplet of classic Bill Murray titles (Stripes, Ghostbusters, and Groundhog Day - maybe I'll wait till February 2 to watch them!), and a groovy PBS hippie special.

Good stuff to keep me entertained for awhile. Though also to keep me away from the more important tasks...

Important Tasks (Creativity/Becoming An Artist):

First of all, becoming a musician. On the top of my list should be steady practice of the guitar, at least an hour a day average. Of course, I'm notoriously bad at practicing, so this is something that rarely happens, unfortunately. Also, the recording status on my album Clear As Mud has been frozen for something like a year. I lost faith in the recording process somewhere along the way, and I've only been drifting away from the project more and more day by day. I have a second album in mind that I was gonna work on after I finished the first, but needless to say, that one hasn't seen any attention, either. Pathetic, isnt' it?

I have a couple major stories I'm working on. One of them is Jabberwocky, which is tied in with the first original [instrumental] song I wrote on guitar. The story is about a young man who returns from a year of solitary meditation/training in the mountains, to find his home town in ruins, scorched to the ground by a vicious dragon he sees in a vision. He then goes on an epic quest to avenge his family, by first acquiring the skills necessary to conquer the Jabberwock, then finding the beast to finally seek requiem. But he runs into some obstacles on the way, and becomes rather side-tracked after succumbing to a spell inadvertently placed on him by a member of the enchanted race. So far, I've worked out a number of the details, but I've actually written very little of the story.

The other story I've been working on is called Ascension. It's meant to be part of a series, possibly a trilogy - inspired moreso by the structure than the content of Dante's Divine Comedy. The story begins with a soul's awakening in the afterlife. So far, most of the effort I've put in is on the first part of the journey, where the soul travels through hell, encountering all the worst tortures and demons on the way. His goal is to purify his spirit and escape the pits of hell, in an attempt at being redeemed. Ultimately, he'll travel through Purgatory and Heaven, and the long term story I'm planning will involve an overthrow of Heaven, if all goes well. There's a bit of a backstory that I've worked out partially, which serves to introduce the main demon lords of hell, who will serve an important role in the overthrow of Heaven and the war against God. Most of my work on the story so far has been designing the various territories of hell, which I've had great fun working on. To start off, I did a lot of interesting research on the mythos of hell in various cultures (although Christian ideas are most abundant), and used the different names and descriptions I came across to define the various territories of my hell.

There are other stories I've thought about, but I've put much less effort into them thus far, and they're not nearly as important to me as the two described above.

As for the gaming realm, seeing as I fantasized as a child about being a game designer of some sort, I have an idea which makes up the backbone of what I think could be a really cool old-school-style 2D console-type RPG (in other words, in the tradition of the Final Fantasy titles for Super Nintendo). The theme revolves around the conflict between nature and technology, as the story starts up a generation or two after a radical religious cult worshipping ancient dragons uses a magical artifact to bring those dragons to life, commanding them to utterly destroy the mechanical world of man, reducing civilization to a primitive form. The charm of the series is the different types of dragons you have to fight, and the Hunter's Guild which plays a major role in the gameplay. It's something of a labor of love, and I've put a lot of thought into it so far, but there's still so much left to work out. I don't know if it will ever become something, but I like to think that there's a chance. By the way, my title for it is "dragonfaith".

While that project hasn't progressed beyond the "thoughts on paper" stage, I *have* put some "falsifiable" effort into my Doom scenario. As I mentioned above, there are some Doom levels that I've planned out into a scenario, and some of which I've actually spent considerable time on designing - to a point that you can actually test them by playing through them! The scenario is based on the story of Berserk, with level design paying homage to a less known PC horror title, Realms of the Haunting. I call my scenario Realms of the Berserk. If you're not familiar with Doom, you'll probably need a crash course if you're interested in trying my levels. And I'd be happy to help you out if that's the case. If you are familiar with Doom, then hopefully you have an idea of what the modding community is about. If you know about zdoom, and you know what .wad files are, then feel free to have a go at my levels - http://zharth.tenjou.net/doom/rotb/index.html. There's also screenshots and more information about the levels on that page, in addition to downloads of the available levels.

I've been working on this thing for quite a long time. I had early demos of the garden, mausoleum, ravine, and living chasm levels even before I went to college. After college, there was a period when I exerted an incredible amount of effort over a couple of weeks to produce what's available now. There's no telling whether I'll ever finish this project, but I like to think, the longer it takes, the easier to use the programs get (at least I hope that's the case, sometimes they end up becoming even more complicated). Any way, only the future can tell.

Realms of the Berserk is my serious Doom project; I have another project I've put a little work into just for fun. The idea came upon me as a result of the paradoxical inequality in American culture between the treatment of violent material, and the treatment of sexual material. Since Doom is a game that is pretty much 100% violence, I thought it would be interesting to flip it over and transform all of that violence into sex. Instead of bloodthirsty demons, you have sexual deviants with an insatiable appetite for lust. Obviously, it would be very easy to write off a project like this as another case of a horny geek replacing all the sprites with pixellated nudity - like all of those people who give pornography a bad name. But no, that's not my style, so I've made an effort to make it interesting, and even tried to tweak the gameplay in very simple but fun ways. Of course, it's only a side project, so there's not much to show for it, and I doubt I have quite the skills necessary to pull (jerk?) it off (largely in the graphics department). Still, I think it's a fun idea to play around with.

Avoidance

Well, getting back to the task at hand, the problem you can clearly see is that the more something needs doing, the less inclined I am to do it. The problem is, when I see a task, I treat it not as something to do, but something to be done. Something to be checked off the list, to be taken off the stack. And so I tend to default toward the things that produce the best results. If I sit and practice guitar for an hour, it doesn't really feel like I got anything done. I don't feel like I'm any better of a guitarist than I was an hour ago. But if I watch a couple episodes of an anime series instead, then I can check those off my list, and I know I'm closer to the end of the series. Even when I was in school, and had multiple homework assignments, I tended to want to do the short and easy ones first. That way, I'd get them out of the way, instead of risking working for hours on a tough assignment, not finishing it, and feeling discouraged because I don't feel like I really accomplished anything in those hours.

There are other issues involved, I know. Altogether, it's very confusing to me, and I keep trying to put the pieces together, to figure out just why I defeat myself like this, by not doing the things that'll produce the more important results down the road apiece (sorry, that was an early Stones reference). And no matter how much I think about it, and acknowledge the problem, it doesn't seem to get any easier to remedy it. I just don't know how to do anything that's not natural to me, and so I keep on continuing the way I've always known how. I have to wonder if it's anything like what an addict goes through, who realizes the problems his addiction is putting him through, but can't seem to shake it no matter how he tries. Except I'm not really addicted to anything (except leisure...and comfort). It has to be a bad wiring in my brain. But how can it be fixed? Can it be fixed?

Nudism, Sexuality, and Society

Disclaimer: It is not my intention in this post to develop or propagate any stereotypes about nudists. These are merely observations I have made in my limited experience. Keep in mind that nudists are just like everyone else - we come in all shapes, sizes, colors and patterns.

I've been looking up quite a bit of stuff on nudism the past few days - including reading through some discussions on hot topics within the community. I have to admit, while I still maintain the importance of separating nudity from sexuality, I'm getting the feeling that I can at least see where my brother is coming from in terms of nudists having a conservative knee-jerk reaction to issues of sexuality. Obviously, my experiences are limited to reading the opinions of nudists on the internet from the comfort of my chair at home, but the condemnation I'm seeing of any connections whatsoever between eroticism and nudism do feel to me to be somewhat excessive. It's a tricky issue, because there are all sorts of legal implications to the portrayal of nudists within mainstream society, but I do feel that there are people out there that are being way too stuffy for their own ultimate good.

Small example: the issue of erections. I don't know specifically how it's dealt with 'on location', but some of the opinions I'm reading seem to suggest that there are nudists who believe that the mere sight of an erection is an affront to their sensibilities. Now, I understand that there is a level of conscious control involved, but there are times when things just happen to pop up. Obviously, discretion is a respectable solution, but I feel like having to run and hide, like as if the erection was inherently an insult to the public, or even intended as such, is a little extreme. Now, if someone is actively "encouraging" the erection, then you're dealing with a whole new issue - an issue that I would agree is best relegated to a private moment. But if it's just an innocent happenstance, or even an uncontrolled reaction to the environment, I don't see the offense.

For those who are concerned, lest you get the wrong impression, many people have said that this is much less of an issue than it is often made out to be.

Another discussion I enjoyed reading through was on the topic of nude photography, and how (or whether) it relates to pornography. Most nudists in the discussion had the expected opinion that innocent nudist photography has nothing to do with pornography - that it's not any different than regular family photography, since the nudity doesn't serve any kind of sexual function. I'm in agreement on that. But I sensed a sort of disdain for nude photography that does serve a sexual function, which most people would classify as pornography. Now, a question I feel like I want to ask, is this: Can a photograph of a sexual act ever be considered not pornographic?

This is an incredibly complicated issue, compounded by the matter of defining the term pornography. And I don't really feel like getting into all of that at this time. But the bottom line, for me, is that when it comes to pornography, or what many people would consider pornography, there's trash, and there's gold. Ultimately, it's a matter of taste, but what appeals to my taste appeals to my aesthetic sense of beauty, and that's something that has a certain amount of worth to me, even if the subject matter is sexual in nature. Sex can be as beautiful as it can be dirty. So while a lot of the nudists in this particular discussion seemed to carry an unspoken view against the merits of pornography in any context, my view is that a photograph taken of a sexual subject can be every bit as pure as a photograph of a nude person enjoying innocent, non-sexual recreation, or of a clothed person doing the same, or anything else. Granted, the topic of sex is not necessarily appropriate anywhere and everywhere, or in discussions with just anyone, but that does not mean that it is something to be ashamed of. Isn't that the case with nudity, for a lot of nudists that haven't "come out"? They don't feel comfortable talking about it with just anyone, but they respect the lifestyle just the same. Shouldn't sexuality be considered just as pure as nudity then? More on that disparity later.

That's pretty much the point I wanted to make on that topic. Another interesting issue brought up in the thread was that of sharing nude photographs. Most of the nudists in that discussion expressed general comfortability with being photographed in the nude (in a non-sexual context), but with a decided reservation about who would get to see those photos. I understand my feelings on the issue are a little more liberal than the norm, and I can respect their concerns. Many nudists do have a reputation to uphold - although that's something that I personally don't like the idea of, having to hide oneself. I feel like one of the ideas of nudism is being yourself and shedding the masks and deceptions of clothes that you wear in society. But unlike me, most people do value their position in society, and simply can't risk the implications of being labeled a nudist, particularly in a society with many unfortunate and negative misconceptions about people that take pleasure in being nude.

One person used a phrase that sums up my feelings on the issue of being seen nude quite well. The idea is this: just because you see me, doesn't mean you have me. One of the most pervasive arguments against the sharing of nude photos of oneself with strangers, particularly on the internet, is the fear of what strangers might do with those photos. I think the implications are clear, but I have to ask, just what are these people afraid that someone is going to do? Honestly, how does it hurt you if some creep gets off to a nude photo of you? My feeling is that if somebody finds me attractive, then I'd be happy to indulge them, as long as it doesn't inconvenience me. Now, I enjoy taking nude photographs of myself, and sometimes in sexually suggestive poses. If somebody is interested in seeing those pictures, why should I keep them to myself? As long as they don't do something like stalk me or hound me for more photos or something like that, then what harm is it?

Obviously, that's a real concern. There are freaks out there, and plenty that wouldn't be below (above?) inconveniencing you if they think you've got something they want. And that's a risk. But my view of humanity is one of peace and love. I believe that people should be respectful to one another. Am I being far too idealistic? Probably. But I refuse to live a life consumed by terror. I believe that if you conduct yourself in a way that allows you to respect yourself, while treating other people the way you want to be treated, then you're being true to yourself, and hopefully, the bad seeds in your life will be displaced by the good ones (I'm talking about people - friends and such). In any case, we do live in a society, and there are always measures if things get drastic. But again, it's a matter of standing up to your detractors and showing them that you're free to be who you want to be. I've lived my life in fear, hiding behind a shell, and I'm sick of it. I'm still working on breaking free, and this is an important step in that direction. But when I see other people building walls of protection around themselves - while I can sympathize - I can't help but feel a little sad at the thought of a person living in fear like that. But I guess that's part of what makes me, me. I just wish it were a marketable thing that I could exploit to make a living or at least just teach people, or something...


There is a criticism I hear used against nudism. If nudism is about loosening the boundaries of what is acceptable, and recognizing that the sight of a naked body is neither immoral, nor harmful, but a perfectly natural thing, that should be encouraged and not shunned, then how come nudists characteristically tend to be so uptight about sexuality? You could argue that where nudists draw the line against public sexuality, the rest of society merely draws their line against public nudity. So what makes the nudists' position any more right, or acceptable? Ultimately it comes down to a matter of taste, and it would seem that the nudists are outnumbered. Now, you could throw scientific facts and studies around, but it's hard to change a person's ingrained sense of what is decent and acceptable. You could argue until you're blue in the face that there's nothing wrong with eating sushi, and that it could even be good for you, but that's not always enough to make a reluctant person try sushi (and who's to say they should be forced to?). I mean, who knows, it could turn out that having sex in front of other people is a huge health benefit for everyone involved - but even if that were true, do you think everyone's going to immediately adopt that belief and start practicing it regularly?

It's not a foolproof case against nudism, but it does raise an important concern. As for me, I would love it if nudity were universally accepted, if the choice to go bare was granted as an inalienable right, but I'm not the kind of person to push my beliefs on other people, and I have to accept the fact that there are people for whom public, social, and/or casual nudity is not the way to go, and those beliefs should be respected, too. But the bottom line is, there should be places, communities, where these sorts of things are more acceptable, and places where they are less acceptable. You would think that there would be enough nudists to form communities like this. Not expensive resort destinations, or just limited areas like parks and beaches, but actual entire communities of people gathered together who have the same open ideas about this subject. In various price ranges and sizes and qualities. Are there? Maybe there are. Maybe in a different country. I just kind of wish they were more prevalent. Like, this is stretching it even further, but why aren't there year-round communities like that at Burning Man? Those people all go back to their federal and state jurisdictions, where the laws only differ so much from the rest of the country. You'd think they'd band together and form communities here and there. And you'd hope there'd be enough of them to form enough communities to be spread out.

I think what I'm getting at here is, why does there only seem to be one way to go through life? There's only one option for society. It's a monopoly. I guess moving out of the country is an option. But I mean, that takes a lot of effort and initiative, and probably money - sampling cultures until you find one that you like. If this is the land of freedom, then how come our standards and morals are dictated by an insensitive penal code, constructed for a majority, when we are but one person? I'm quite frustrated with it all.

Can you see why I don't believe in free will? I feel like I have no control whatsoever over how to live my life. Granted, a lot of that is due to psychological limitations, but you have to admit that being raised in a society like this, there are certain things that it's really hard to escape. What if you don't feel like paying taxes? Isn't there some kind of alternative? What if you don't agree with some of the petty laws on the codebooks? Do you have to go to jail just to prove your point? And don't talk to me about lobbying. You could argue with politicians your entire life and not get the results you want. And what if somebody else wants the opposite - isn't that always the case? You die with no results, having wasted your life away on a lost cause. Yeah, I'm bitter.

Maybe I'm spoiled, and maybe I'm a dreamer. But who's to say we should have to compromise? My body is a product of my environment, and my thoughts are a product of my mind. I'd like to think there's something more to what I'm saying than petty idealism... Wouldn't you?

Journal 003

I know I promised that hippie entry, but now that it's expected of me, I find myself avoiding the task. At any rate, you'll have it by the end of the week, I promise, or else it would have made no sense to do the hippie theme on my music log this week (which I certainly can't change now). In the meantime...

I actually forced myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour yesterday (meaning 7 in the morning instead of 10 in the morning), so I was pretty well-rested. I still got up out of bed at the last minute, though, to hop in the shower and dress for dinner. It was sloppy joe's, which I'm not so thrilled by, and Kraft macaroni n' cheese (the blue box kind), which I'm incredibly thrilled by. I heaped the mac onto my plate and ate a full helping before even considering the sloppies.

I was a little aimless after dinner, but I eventually got around to trying to hook up my guitar directly to my computer, in the hopes of recording some instructional audio tracks for my Quick Riffs web page. It was a failure. I tried plugging each of the holes, and I didn't get any response at all. So I'm not sure what to do now. But at the time, I ended up jamming out a bunch of the riffs with the distortion on my amp, just to convince myself I could still play them all (by the way, no sweat). I guess I kind of exhausted myself that way, and after the amp started getting squeaky for some reason, I shut it off and just lay there on the floor, with the guitar sitting on top of me, for a little while. Just relaxing.

Then, I spent some time reading. I read through the second of the two volumes of School Rumble I got for Christmas. Great series. I guess you know by now that I'm not much into comedies, but this is one of the exceptions. This series actually succeeds at making me laugh every now and then! Plus, this particular volume had one of my favorite scenes from the series - after the fireside dance where Eri dances with Harima, when she's sitting at home, refusing to go to school, partly because she's afraid to show her face after dancing with Harima, and partly because she's utterly confused about her feelings for Harima. The anime series describes the scene as "Eri feeling the blues". Now, considering that Eri is my favorite character in the series, you tell me that's not the perfect scene for me.

After that, I read through some of the books on nude photography I recently received, having ordered them partly as a birthday gift to myself and partly to encourage my interest in the field. There was a risque title on 'the art of rope' (if you know what I mean), which managed to be sexy without being too trashy. I also got a book of poses in the context of nude life drawing, which includes a CD that's supposed to be chock full of poses. I intend to practice some of those and see how well I can hold them for extended periods of time.

Additionally, there was a collection by Jock Sturges, a photographer I've come to admire for his portrayal of real people (as opposed to models) in a naturist context, regardless of age and gender. There seems to have been some controversy surrounding his work; I think the FBI actually charged him for involvement in child pornography, but it was clearly a defamation scheme. Although his photographs hide nothing, they are far from exploitative, and sexuality is never the primary theme, from what I've seen. There's a classic and very human soul in his images, and it seems his subjects have nothing but the greatest respect for him. All the more reason for me to support him.

Around 11 o'clock, after my dad went to bed, I got undressed. Nudity is hard to accommodate during the winter. Even with the heat on indoors, it still tends to be chilly. If it were up to me, I'd just crank up the thermostat until I'm comfortable, but I'm not the head of this household, and I'm not about to begin dictating the temperature of the house. Still, despite the weather being colder than it has been the past two days, it wasn't so bad in the house today. So I decided to go completely nude - no robe, no slippers, no nothing - and it felt great! It was a little chilly in the kitchen when I went to get some food around 1am, but I get the feeling that, unless I was bundled up, I would have actually *felt* colder had I been wearing clothes. It's a funny thing, but I've noticed that my body seems to be able to regulate heat more efficiently without clothing. Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being nude as much as I can, but that's the feeling I've been getting so far.

My brother showed up in the kitchen, and we ended up having a surprisingly long (at least for me) discussion that was partly engaging, and deeply depressing. Basically, I kept trying to convince him that there were some good things in life worth living for, and at every turn, he shot them down with some counterpoint from his negative perspective. Seriously, I consider myself to be a pretty cynical person, but compared to him, I'm a life-affirming spiritualist or something. And it's really frustrating, too, because you realize that this is really what his life is like, and it honestly sounds like it sucks. You get the impression that, as he often confirms, death would actually be the only positive experience for him. And that really is depressing. I don't even know what to say to that, because it's really hard to embrace that sort of a perspective, and I think I've tried just about everything I can try to convince him otherwise.

The cat was generally being a nuisance during the conversation. Have I mentioned our cat yet in this blog? She's a Siamese. If that doesn't mean anything to you, then let me tell you this - Siamese cats are known for being loud, and being highly dependent upon human companions. In other words, they are ABOMINATIONS of the feline race! Anyhow, this cat in particular is named Sasha, and she's basically my mom's cat, except that my mom abandoned her when my parents divorced some 6 or 7 years ago (allegedly because the place my mom moved into didn't allow pets). And my dad's never been a cat person, so Sasha has really gotten the bad end of the bargain. And because of that, I want really bad to care for her, but there are two problems with that. Firstly, I am not an animal person. You'd think that a naturist, or even just a person who respects nature in general, would be an animal-lover. Well, allow me to be the counterexample that disproves that stereotype. I don't like animals. I think they're dirty, and it bugs me that I can't reason with them. If I don't like the way they're acting, there's very little I can do about it. Which brings me to the second reason I have such a hard time with Sasha. She makes so much freaking noise! She won't quit! Even in the middle of the night! When I'm slipping into the kitchen in the middle of the night, nude and naturally in ninja mode, trying not to attract extra attention, she comes out and starts screaming like a madwoman! I've tried many things to get her to shut up, but most of the time it just makes her more irritable - and louder! The best you can do is endure it, and wait for her to get tired. Which isn't a very good compromise, in my mind.

Anyhow, that's the situation. I have a hard time hating her (since I really am a kind person), but I have a hard time liking her, too. She ended up scratching me (inadvertently - she may be obnoxious, but she's not at all violent) quite significantly across the ribs. This is one of those situations where I would have benefited from having a little armor. Luckily, it didn't really hurt. I just hope it doesn't leave a mark. At any rate, the most it's gonna do is make me even more conscious of keeping that cat away from me. It certainly hasn't hurt my enthusiasm for being nude.

After the convo, a storm started kicking up outside. Not so much a winter storm, but more your typical wind and rain storm, with an emphasis on the wind. I still hear the wind howling out there now. When the wind gets in the back door, the space between the inner and outer doors creates a kind of wind tunnel, which makes some rather loud noises, that can be quite unsettling when you aren't expecting them. It's been howling quite a bit the last few hours. There was a very brief period when the storm went into overdrive. I went downstairs and peered through the blinds on the front door - the rain was falling so hard it was like a thick fog! Naturally, I opened the door and stepped out onto the porch. I absolutely love storms - I always have. Something about the energy of nature in those aggressive moments just ignites my excitement. The porch was wet under my feet, even standing just in front of the door, well under the overhang of the roof. I could feel the rain sprinkling against my skin, being sprayed almost horizontally by the heavy winds. It felt exhilarating, and I would have just loved to have gone out and danced through it, but it was much too cold - too cold even to stand there for more than about a minute. Still, that minute was totally worth it. Those kinds of moments are one of the things I live for. They're one of the things that makes life for me worth living.

Lament For My Computer

For the past nine months or so, I've had two personal computers, which I've used simultaneously. I had my old college computer, which is about a good 5 years old by now, and a slightly newer computer which my friend sold to me when he left the country (about nine months ago). Now, I was growing up right when computers were becoming huge, so I'm comfortable around the technology, but I in no way consider myself a technophile. My friend, the one who sold me his computer, is a natural when it comes to working with computers, and he's helped me through a lot of computer-related obstacles in the time I've known him (this latest one included).

As it were, I had most of my files on the old computer (hereby referred to as 'nanashi', since I never properly named it), while I worked mostly on the newer computer (hereby referred to as 'harmonia'). Harmonia also had the internet connection, of the two. But nanashi still served the purpose of being my jukebox, containing all my digital music files (mostly ripped from my CD collection), as well as being a storage bin of sorts. I even recently bought a tiny FM transmitter so I could tune into my winamp playlist on nanashi anywhere in the house. But just the other day, nanashi died.

I've never had a computer die on me before. The first personal computer I had all to myself, just sort of got slower and slower, and buggier and buggier, and eventually picked up the habit of shutting down without warning after five or so minutes of use (I got into the habit of saving very, very, very often while typing things in notepad), but it never reached a point where it completely failed to work, at all. Other computers I've had or known of have simply been replaced when they outlived their usefulness, before actually giving up the ghost. But nanashi just died. I woke up one morning, and it had turned off by itself. I couldn't get it to turn back on. I'd push the button, and nothing would happen. No sounds, no lights, nothing. It was plugged in and everything. But no life. Nanashi was done for.

Maybe it was because I kept it on for ridiculous stretches, without bothering to give it a break, or without even restarting it every few weeks or so. Maybe it was because I had it running a playlist practically 24/7 for a long time. Whatever the reason, the reality of the situation hit me hard - if I couldn't get the computer to even turn on anymore, how was I going to get the all-important data off of its hard drive?!

That's where my computer whiz friend came in. With his assistance, he actually had me taking both of my computers apart and removing and installing hard drives. And with his guidance, I seem to be doing alright, despite never having been exposed to the innards of a computer before. And the best part - that precious data on my hard drive has not been lost from my reach!

So, what I had to do was, since the enclosure for the external drive I had laying around refused to work properly, I had to take the hard drive from nanashi out, and switch it in for the larger of the two drives in harmonia, for the time being. It was a thrilling and harrowing experience, knowing my precious data was on the line, and that I might never see it again - if I screwed something up, or if I was just unlucky. But I had the area lit up with my bright lamp; I had tools scattered about; and there were computer parts strewn across the floor. Dust was kicking up absolutely everywhere. I totally went into Lain mode (I even stripped off my clothes, although, unlike Lain, I stripped them all off, and it wasn't necessarily for reasons relating to static electricity). I swapped the drives, like some kind of cybernetic magician, and voila! - gained access to my old hard drive and all the files in it!

The trouble is, I can't access my old hard drive and my newer bigger hard drive at the same time with the equipment I have, so I have to burn all my important files to DVD first, before I switch them over to their new home. It's a real pain, but on the other hand, it's a good opportunity to back up all my files, few of which I have ever really bothered to back up before. But what kind of files could be so important, that I couldn't stand to think of losing them?

First, of course, there's my hard-earned collection of porn, catered entirely to my own taste, and representing years of discriminating effort wading through quite a bit of garbage. (I actually backed it up about nine months ago, but I've acquired a nice cache of good stuff since then). Second, there's my entire collection of photography, including every photograph I've ever taken, many of which (the older ones) were scanned by hand (a process I never, ever, desire to repeat), and many (the newer ones) which don't exist anywhere else, least of all in the 'analog' realm. I would hate to lose these. Then of course, there's my entire digital music collection, which I've mentioned above. Although most of it exists in the form of my physical CD collection, I do not relish the idea of having to rip over 300 albums again. And then, perhaps as important as anything else, there are many random relics of the past, memories of times and people I've known, that would be painful to lose. The rest, I suppose, is ultimately expendable, though I am in no hurry to get rid of it.

I'd like to mention that there is one other thing I would have hated to lose, had I not already transferred it over to harmonia within the past few weeks. That is my personally recorded music, mostly in the form of large wav files - since these files can basically be considered my 'masters'. When I recently posted an incomplete version of the album I've been working on to my webpage at zharth.tenjou.net (Clear As Mud), I was moving some files around, and with all those huge wav files, the space on nanashi's drive was running out. And since I had plenty of free space on harmonia's large drive, I made the move to transfer all my recordings from the one to the other. So even if things had gone worse in the past couple days, I at least would still have had those. But, thank my lucky stars, it looks as though all of my data will be mercifully salvaged.

The process is not entirely finished yet, but I'm hoping for the best!

Arousing Beauty (or Ero-sthetics)

While I'm baring my soul and exposing all my deepest inner secrets, I feel the need to take a moment to discuss the topic of sexuality. I understand that it's a sensitive issue, so, true to my style, I'll try to be as tasteful as I can, without holding back anything that I feel I have to say.

I'm not really sure if this is a revelation, or a 'duh' statement, since I really don't talk about this sort of thing with many (any?) people, but I'll admit that I enjoy a little porn every now and then. Mostly in the form of sexy pictures that I've trawled from the glorious internet. I'm conflicted, because part of me - the part that's been trained by society - can't help but feel ashamed by this, because sex and especially porn is supposed to be this dirty entity that we're supposed to avoid. You know, sin and all that. But another part of me realizes that porn is one of the few reliable pleasures in my life. Although my ecchi-meter varies over time, the truth is that at any time I can pull up a picture of an attractive member of the female race, and it never fails to make me feel good. If you think about how much life tends to suck, that's pretty freaking awesome. So I feel like it's something that I should respect and foster, as long as I don't let it turn into an addiction and allow it to run (ruin) my life. But, as I see it, sexuality is an important part of life. It's connected to love, and love is probably the single most powerful emotion we have. Granted, there's a difference between physical gratification and emotional companionship. And in my situation, emotional companionship is rather hard to come by. But that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy a little physical gratification here and there - and if I can, why shouldn't I?

Attraction is fueled by beauty. And beauty is a form of art. Why should a piece of art that turns me on sexually be considered any less important than a piece of art that stimulates me intellectually? Because it's easy to turn a guy on? Because you can take any girl off the street and strip her nude to get the same effect? Well, frankly, I don't think that's true. I have pretty discerning tastes; I've always been known to be rather picky. Plus, I'm a perfectionist. But even so, just because there's a guy that likes every piece of art in the gallery, does that mean that none of them should be considered art?

I think there's a big problem with the way society treats pornography as trash. But that problem stems from both sides. Society treats it as trash, and as a result, the people behind the scenes accept that they're producing trash, and they use that as an excuse to make a pretty crappy product. It's something like catering to the lowest common denominator. Porn could be amazing, but since it instantly gets slagged off as trash, nobody's willing to create a product and defend it as art. Truthfully, there are some, but because of the stigma, it doesn't get the recognition or the audience it deserves, and no progress is made. Then you have the other side of things, where other forms of art add an element of sexuality to what they already boast. These can still be very respected and highly regarded, but there's a line that people are afraid to cross, because they want to avoid being labeled as pornography, which is an instant death blow to their credibility as artists. So there's very little progress from that side, too.

There have been times when I've felt that my own sexuality was more a nuisance than anything else, and that I'd prefer not to have to deal with it - that life would be simpler and easier without sex in any form. But you know, over time, I've kind of learned how to enjoy it for what it is. And now I feel like I wouldn't want to lose that for anything in the world. Like I said, it's one of the few reliable pleasures I have in life.

As far as my tastes are concerned, I'm a much bigger fan of softcore pornography than the hardcore variety. I like a little hardcore every now and then, just to get my heart beating, but it's mainly conventional stuff. I'm quite frightened of some of the disgusting fetishes out there. To each his own, but some things I'd just rather not think about. At any rate, softcore porn has a more innocent quality. It's enticing, but it's not in-your-face. Just the shape of the female body alone is a thing of beauty. Besides, I'm attracted to purity, and I don't really care to see what a slut can do with a few props and a couple guys. That having been said, there's not much that's purer than the erotic love between two women...

I have a minor interest in fashion. Obviously not as a consumer, and not so much as a model - hell, not even as a designer. I just love the idea of dressing a girl up in various outfits or costumes. I guess it's probably more from a photographer's point of view. I have had a minor interest in photography for most of my life, and I would just love to have a model to pose for me. That could be so much fun. But for a person like me, the possibility of that is nil. The first problem is finding someone to agree to that sort of thing, and the second problem is actually having the confidence to direct the shoot.

And now for a dissertation on my stylistic preferences, just for the sake of conversation... what do I look for in a girl? What turns me on? First of all, I'm attracted to youth. Not in a creepy way, just in a natural way. I prefer girls that are younger than I am. I don't go for the 'mature' thing at all (age-wise, not attitude-wise). I like girls that are smart, that don't talk too much, but aren't afraid to open up to the people that matter - mystery is sexy, but unreachability is heartbreaking. The chatty types that can literally talk for hours at a time without a break are best left alone. Physically, my favorite body type is tall and thin. Not skeleton thin, but I definitely prefer lean to meaty, and I have to disagree with the people who argue that thin isn't sexy, despite their good intentions (fighting back against eating disorders and all that). I prefer lighter skin - to me, tan isn't particularly sexy, and tanlines are even worse. On the topic of skin, I don't like tattoos at all; neither do I like piercings. Earrings are fine. Navel rings bug me. Tongue piercings and anything weirder than that generally turn me off. I'm a natural kind of guy. I look at the legs before I consider the chest. On the topic of legs, my attention is typically drawn more toward the calves than the thighs. Huge breasts are a turn-off. Average size is nice, but if I had to pick, I'd take a little small over a little large anyday. I definitely like long hair, but medium is fine, too. Really short cuts turn me off. I have a weakness for blondes, though to be honest, the style and how it suits the girl is more important than the color. Even though I've waited this long to mention it, having a pretty face is essential. That's where the majority of the emotion comes from. I'm not into the heavy makeup scene. A little bit is alright, and can be nice, but the natural look is what counts. Fashion turn-ons? I love flared jeans, and shirts with flared sleeves. Boots of most kinds are attractive, particularly black leather (but not the clunky ones that are too overly goth). Then again, barefoot can be very sexy. Miniskirts have an obvious appeal, what with showing off the legs and all, especially when combined with boots, or alternatively, heels (sailor senshi anyone?). I like pretty dresses and flowy gowns as well. Generally, anything that exudes an aura of femininity is a plus (that extends to voice as well). As for colors, it really depends on what looks good on the girl, but I'll always give extra points for my favorite color (green). For pajamas, less is more, unless we're talking about a nice flowy nightgown - like a princess, not like a hag. Panties are always a good bet. Pajama pants are a major buzzkill. On the topic of undies, a girl should never wear boxers. Thongs don't do particularly much for me, either, as they tend to have that "big butt" connotation that doesn't interest me in the slightest, although this is not a hardfast rule. In the swimsuit department, the best option is what suits the shape of the body. A good looking bikini is hard to match.

I know it probably sounds like I'm being insufferably particular, but you know, these are just the things that excite me the most. That's all. I have a realistic expectation of life (life has made sure of that). But that doesn't mean I'm gonna just stop dreaming. Fantasy is a wonderful thing in that respect. Acknowledge what entices you. Ignore it, and you're bound to live a pretty boring life...

And if you don't push the boundaries every once in awhile, how will you ever know how far you could have gotten?