Berserk Spoilers

If you're not [relatively] up to date on Berserk, and don't want the details of the plot spoiled (up to vol30/ch266), I recommend you don't read the rest of this post. Spoilers start here.

Over the holidays, I received the next four volumes of Berserk available in English that I had yet to read (I was kind of falling behind, but I don't mind reading it in chunks). This includes volumes 27-30 of the series, or chapters 227-266, according to my sources, and picks up in the middle of the battle of Guts vs. the apostles of the reformed Band of the Hawk, just after he puts on the Berserker armor for the first time, entrusted to him by the old witch Flora, recently deceased.


These volumes were awesome. It's so great to read a series that's consistently good, and consistently impresses me. The Berserker armor itself is truly badass, though I'm worried about its effects on the wearer. As demonstrated in the above mentioned battle against the apostles, and even moreso in the following battle against the enchanted sea monster(s), the pairing between Schierke's magic and Guts' brutality is a perfect match, and I really love seeing them working together.

I was also very happy to see Princess Charlotte return to the story, and what's more, her reunion with Griffith. That was truly a scene straight from a dream or fairy tale. Despite everything I know, it had me wanting to root for Griffith all over again. It's amazing the difference between this encounter and the previous one, which directly led to Griffith's great fall. He has so much power and confidence now, whereas last time he showed up a defeated man, having lost in battle - the first (and only?) time - to Guts, so long ago (it really seems like a different life, in a different world - and perhaps, in a way, it was), back when he originally decided to leave the Band of the Hawk. My god, everything that's happened.

I was shocked when it was revealed that the king of the elf kingdom the gang is traveling to (Puck's home) might have the power to restore Casca's mental functioning. Can you imagine? Casca back to her old self? I never thought it would be possible. Of course, this being Berserk, I don't expect things to go quite so perfectly, so we'll just have to wait and see. Still, the prospect of a recovered Casca is tantalizing.

The portrayal of the dead city was very creepy, and I'm really getting into the Kushan sorcerors being the general bad guys. Good thing Guts' gang has enlisted the help of a witch. But it leaves me wondering, as always, whether Griffith is really a good guy or a bad guy... I want to like him and trust him and fight for him so badly, but...but...well, you know what happened.

"He appeared right in front of me, and he wasn't a demon... but what looked like a human. As if he'd been yanked from before into the present unchanged. I gazed at him and for a second... I forgot to kill him."

It's amazing how close Guts' gang came to having a run-in with the Band in the port city. I can definitely sympathize with Schierke's reactions to the city and human civilization, and all the soldiers gearing up for war. Her friendship with Sonia is so sweet, but yikes, she's with Griffith, and Schierke's dedicated to Guts (and I never want to see them separated!). Luckily, she knows where her loyalty lies, but it's a shame the two girls had to go separate ways. Although, being in Griffith's entourage, I don't entirely trust Sonia (even if I like her).

Farnese's part of this story is very captivating. She's kind of sunk into the background lately, little more than Casca's caretaker, but now, with her taking an interest in magic, and confronting her roots, I hope she'll come out the other side with renewed confidence, to fight - for the right side this time. I was concerned about her family at first, but I've come to like them. Farnese's mother is surprisingly insightful, and while Manifico is a coward, Roderick actually seems pretty cool, even if I don't like him as Farnese's fiance (what will become of Serpico?). He definitely stands out from the rest of the aristocrats, though.


The dinner party was awesome. My god, when Guts cut down that demon tiger in one swipe, cutting it cleanly in half. Incredible. And before that, the tiger's reveal, when it knocked out the lights - classic horror scene.

Have I mentioned how much I love this series? Not only is the content and the approach and the characters fantastic, but the art is excellent, too. I have never read a better story. I just read four whole volumes in four days, all of which I loved, and all I can think is that I want to read (or even reread it) more!

A Naked Hot Spring Goddess

I was introduced to the manga title Kamisen a little bit ago, and just now I read up on the latest chapters (there are 5 that I know of as of this writing), and wanted to mention the one thing that bugs me about it. It's a tiny thing, but it's worth mentioning, considering my specific interests. Even so, I still like the series - don't get me wrong. It's light filler, but it's entertaining. And sexy.

Kamisen is basically a variation on the theme of Kannagi - a rather popular title - about a goddess who awakens in a shrine and the mischief that ensues (which is largely her fault). The thing that caught my attention, though, was the words sprawled in big red letters in the opening pages to the first chapter...


As you can see, right up my alley. My expectations of a series where the main character (who happens to be a cute girl with divine powers, for better or worse) never wears any clothes turned out to be a little high, unfortunately, but that's (also unfortunately) to be expected. But I'm totally down with the red letter philosophy above. Think about it. A nature god(dess) living at a hot spring. Where do clothes even fit into that? Oh, but of course, for the sake of modesty, we must go out of the way to clothe the naked. Even (or especially?) the divinely naked.

Anyway, as I said it's not a big deal, but the thing that bugs me, besides the fact that the goddess isn't naked as much as I'd like her to be (and you can't always get what you want, I know), are the few subtle lines that pop up here and there that go completely against the red letter philosophy previously introduced. For example, in the first chapter, when the goddess is sitting atop the hot spring proprietor's grandson (for completely innocent reasons, I assure you), he embarrassedly mutters, "Um... Could you put some clothes on for now...?"

Okay. A beautiful goddess is running around naked. Asking her to put some clothes on is bound to make me rage. But I understand where this guy's coming from. He's embarrassed, he's young and inexperienced, and after all, he's the central figure in what's surely to become an unwanted harem (don't click unless you're not planning on leaving the house or getting anything done in the next few weeks), and is thus bound by the laws of manga to not be able to show any interest whatsoever in the sensual pleasures of the girls he's surrounded by.

In other words, I don't like it, but I'll let it pass. And I would have just dropped the subject, but for this other occasion in chapter 3:

"A God loses her majesty if she runs around naked."
First of all, you can clearly see that she's not even naked in this scene - the 'offensive' bits are all covered in towels (albeit mercifully tiny ones). Granted, "naked" doesn't always mean "naked", but she's just come running out of the hot spring, so she has every reason to be under-dressed. But the thing that really throws me off about this scene is the fact that it's the perverted Gramps - who has gone above and beyond proving his perviness and his desire to fetishize the goddess in any way possible (and for that he earns my blessing :3) - who says this. It just seems wholly out of place. Is it not meant to be taken seriously? Is it there just for comedic value (not unlikely)? I suppose there could be some logical reasoning for it in the right context, but it's just so weird.

And worst of all, it offends my sense of spirituality. A God loses her majesty if she runs around naked? All I have to say about that is - she's a God, and this is a hot spring, so what's wrong with being naked!? Far as I'm concerned, a God gains majesty by running around naked. Partaking in nudity is spiritually fulfilling, not morally degenerate.

But hey, I said it was a small thing. I still think the series is fun. I just wanted to make my point. And here's the fan service you've all been waiting for:

Journal 017

Last night was kind of damp, and it was raining off and on towards the morning. I remember lying in bed, thinking to myself it'll snow again before it starts to really get warm - it always does. Well, I wasn't anticipating it so soon, but I woke up today to yet another fresh layer of snowfall. I'm sure this won't be the last snowfall of the season, though I am already anticipating the soothing showers of spring.

It's surprising that Easter is so early this year - right on the tail of the vernal equinox. But it's convenient that it would decide to ride on the heel of the pagan festival of Ostara (or Eostar) - the celebration of said equinox. Still, I'm used to it being sometime in April, so this is a little unusual. And then St. Patrick's Day is like a week before Easter, which is ridiculous. Can't these people spread their holidays out a bit better? In general pagan observance, there are 8 significant celebratory dates spread fairly evenly throughout the year. Well, the only reason I'm complaining is that I have ideas for my music log to honor the various holidays, and *way* too many holy-themed songs to play before Easter.

And March is also a busy month for birthdays in this immediate family, involving both of my brothers' birthdays as well as my mother's birthday. Second only to the late January, early February stretch which holds my birthday, my dad's birthday, and, I believe, also my grandmother and uncle's birthdays. Anyhow, I hate the whole thing about gift-giving. Doing something nice for a person you care about is one thing, but being obligated to purchase some commercial commodity for a specific day, or face the risk of being ridiculed or even victimized, is another thing entirely. I mean, going out and celebrating is nice - you spend time with the people you care about, and that's the most important gift, right? I don't believe in cards either, though. It just seems such a phony way of showing appreciation. Here's a cheap item you're just gonna throw away after looking at, with artwork I didn't draw, and some nice words I didn't write, but it's the thought that counts, right? At any rate, my one brother just spent $400 on CD's - and he's trying to pursue an ascetic lifestyle, and my other brother has enough money to buy anything he could want that I would ever think of buying him, and I don't even know him that well anymore, and the interests he does have I'm clueless about - sports, mainly. So to me, it just seems kind of pointless. And yet, the pressure to perform remains. They both got me something for my birthday, so it'd be tantamount to a slap in the face if I didn't reciprocate.

Today's episode of Millenium (for me, anyway) was good. I think I'm more than halfway through the second season now. I was lamenting the fact that Frank's wife Catherine isn't in it as much now that they've split up after the events of the first season cliffhanger. She really is a good character. Not as good as Frank Black, of course, but still good, just what you would expect from the woman that would marry Frank. Although, their relations have been pretty frustrating, since they seem to be drifting apart for the wrong reasons. The Millenium Group itself is proving to become more interesting as the series continues on. Still lots of mystery there. I was excited about this episode, because for once there was some real tension developing between Frank and the group, and at this point, although for the whole time the group has been portrayed as the good side, I'm wondering if there's maybe something more sinister going on underneath it all than what one might expect. The episode itself was a rather interesting "Into The Wild"-ish story, about a kid who, before entering college, entered instead into the Alaskan wilderness to find a much more fulfilling life. I'm really enjoying this series.

Keeping on that thread, a couple days back I saw the Jose Chung episode of Millenium. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you're out of luck. But just like the rather unique and entertaining episode of The X-Files which features Jose Chung, there's a similar episode in Millenium. I love how the titles of these two episodes so perfectly and succinctly describe the basic theme of their respective series. For The X-Files, the Chung episode is titled "From Outer Space", and for Millenium, the episode is titled "Doomsday Defense". And really, that's what those two shows are all about!

Apparently, my dad's nickname among his buddies is/was at one time "Too Much". This is clearly reflected in the license plate he chose for the family van. Now, I don't know what earned him that nickname - although I can get a pretty good idea, judging from what I know of his personality, always taking on challenges and whatnot, and from *pieces* of stories from his younger days that have slipped out here and there - but recently I discovered an entirely different behavior of his that resembles that moniker. And it involves his cooking. Particularly when making sandwiches. They're always so huge, stuffed to the brim with ingredients, on huge buns, covered in grease. Personally, I think they're too masculine; I'd prefer a more feminine sandwich (if that makes any sense). But it's a matter of style, and at least the sandwiches are still usually good. But it's not just sandwiches. I enjoy the quesadillas he makes, but by god, they're like freaking overstuffed oreos or something (I'm sorry, I had a really hard time thinking of a good comparison). It's just that, the quesadillas I'm used to are mostly tortilla, with a nice hint of other ingredients inside, mostly chicken and cheese. But these ones my dad makes are truly beasts of the wild. And there's often huge portions, regardless of what's on the menu. My older brother eats a lot, but I'm on the other end of the spectrum, and I always feel pushed to eat more than I'd prefer, because you know, semiconsciously, I fear that not eating very much would give off the impression that I don't like the food or something, and I instinctively feel like that would be a personal attack against his hospitality. I know it's not a very reasonable reaction, but I can't help fearing that sort of outcome.

I was pretty tired last night, and I've noticed I've been getting to bed kind of late lately, and getting up at the last minute. I'd love to get to bed earlier, and last night I tried to. But god, I was exhausted, lying in bed, and what I really wanted was to just fall asleep, but something kept me up. Some nagging, restless feeling. I guess there's not much to say about it, I just can't get past the fact that when I have to get up, I'm tired enough to sleep for hours, yet when I go to bed, it's often an effort to cross that line into sleep mode. Why do I have to be sleepy when I have to get up, and not when my body needs to rest, and I want to go to bed? If only I could harness that power and apply it at the appropriate times. It's not like I'm never tired, that that energy's not there - it is, it's just not in the right place...

I finally finished reading the Rurouni Kenshin manga over the past few days. I had stopped at the end of the Kyoto Arc, and now I've finally read the (final) Jinchuu Arc. Very good. So that's where the stuff about Kenshin's past comes from - which is easily the best part of the animated series. I liked it a lot. Why does the ending have to be so depressing though? I mean, it's not like it's a particularly depressing ending. Ironically, I'd probably feel better if everybody died at the end - maybe that's why I like those tragedy endings better, because it's easier to say goodbye to a character when they've died and the world is destroyed, than simply walking away, knowing that their lives will go on, but that I won't be there to continue experiencing their pleasures and joys. It makes me feel sad, saying goodbye to those characters and their stories, and it makes me sad in real life, and I re-realize how lonely I am. And I think about my life, and I want to go out and have adventures, and make reality as interesting as fiction is. But it's not that interesting. And it's never that perfect or happy either. Still, even that intense feeling of nostalgia - whether it's for experiences you've had or only imagined - and that bittersweet, painful feeling of longing... I wouldn't give that up for anything. That feeling of being alive, and that desire to strive for more, to make an effort to try and relocate happiness, however futile the search may be. I just can't understand how anyone could treat life so lightly. But we don't all have the same experience of it, I fear.

I myself have questioned the merit of eliminating distractions. As much as I enjoy losing myself in fantasy lives, it keeps me away from my own, real life. I wonder if, I had nothing to do, at all, except lie in bed or strum the guitar or write stories from my own head, then maybe I'd strum the guitar and write stories from my own head more often. As long as I have a choice between doing those things, and doing something easier, with a more direct reciprocation of pleasure and satisfaction, I will almost always choose the easier path. I have this long list of things to do - largely, fantasy worlds to experience, in various forms - and I feel like I won't get anything really important done as long as those things are on the list. So I think about closing the list to new submissions, and burning through each item till it's empty. Then I could focus on what's important. But there are always new things, interesting things. What if I hadn't opened myself up to watching Berserk? There are a lot of things I enjoy, but I question how much impact they really have in my life, but a series like Berserk, I wouldn't want to live a life without having the experience of that series, given the choice. So if I close myself, what could I end up missing? Yet if I leave myself open, what important tasks in my life will I neglect? I have a really hard time balancing between the two, as I've explained. So I'm not sure where to go from here. But in the meantime, I still have that list of things that I intend to burn through.

Journal 012

It's been a little while since I did a straight journal entry, I guess. I've been spending most of my time lately between playing with photography, and catching up on various anime and manga series. This weekend I finished the first season of Millenium - great show. I look forward to watching the next two seasons. Wow, that was sad what happened to Bletch... I also caught back up on watching the new Zetsubou series. I thought it was gonna be like a totally different retelling or something, but it appears to mostly be more of the same (meaning still good). I also read a manga called Blame!, which was a pretty cool atmospheric, post-apocalyptic in tone, mellow story. Lots of atmosphere; the story takes place in this endless space of mechanical jungle that expands in every direction, much of which is uninhabited. Very interesting.

I've been having fun with the nude photography so far. I'm getting used to shooting for a single shot a day, and I'm starting to realize that I'm not using my batteries as quickly as I'm recharging them - which is a good thing. But it can still get confusing when it comes down to keeping track of which batteries I've used and which ones I've just recharged, since I have six. I think two might be a little more dead than the rest, and I'd be inclined to maybe get rid of them, if I could figure out for sure which ones they were... I've considered getting a new charger, since I read about one that's supposed to be real good, that charges in three hours (as opposed to eight), and is still only twenty bucks. I'll look next time I'm in a store, and see how things turn out. I'm loving the tripod, but one thing about it that irritates me is the fact that when I turn the camera on its side, to take a vertically-oriented picture, the one tripod leg gets in the way of the camera and I can't get it to line up right, so I have to end up taking a diagonal picture. Even if I try to adjust the individual lengths of the legs to change the angle, they're not sturdy enough to stay in place. So for now, that's an irritation, but it's something I've been working around.

I'm still looking through a lot of interesting photos on Flickr, and I get understandably excited when the numbers of views on my own photos go up. I'd love to have a little more feedback on what I'm doing, but I'm a little cautious about advertising myself, and there's always the question of what *kind* of people I want to have evaluating my efforts. I decided not to be a part of the official 365 Days group, primarily for the reason that I anticipate a number of my photos would likely be considered 'across the border'. Basically, it's a reflection of my placement outside of the accepted community of normals. I understand that I'm different, and I want to celebrate it, but I fear the distinctions people would make between me and them, and the way I'd potentially be ostracized and ridiculed for who I am.

In other news, the fam went out to dinner today. The restaurant we went to changed their menu a bit since the last time I remember eating there. There was no chicken fajitas, which I remember enjoying, and there was no awesome S'mores dessert, either. I ended up having chicken tenders instead (boring, I know, but they were pretty good), and some chocolate banana bread pudding that was so-so. Oh, I also had the baked potato soup, which was not bad. I like a good soup, but most soups just aren't my kind of flavor. So it's nice to find/know of one that I like. The waitress we had looked very familiar - I'm sure I must have had some class with her in high school. Of course I didn't say anything, because it's not like I was ever friends with her. I probably never even spoke to her, and there's no reason to break that streak now.

For my book-reading progress, I took a break after I got halfway through the third of my self-helpish books, since that's when my reading lamp bulb broke, and I still have yet to replace it. Maybe the rest of that book will provide some more ideas, but I'm still at a loss. I question how much of my inability to cope with society is because of my uniquity, and how much is because of my fears. I like to place a healthy share of the blame on the fact that I'm different, and that I'm just not programmed to work as a part of this machine. But maybe I'm just avoiding the real issue. If I could conquer my fears, maybe it would be possible to actually do something with my uniquity. Like, maybe I'd actually find someone to play guitar with, or maybe I'd find a way to make a living as a photographer, or perhaps a model. Or maybe I'd actually be able to get some kind of job as a DJ, or work in a music store, or something like that. The bottom line is, there are actions I could be taking that I'm not taking, and the reason I'm not taking them is because I'm afraid. And that fear is something that's been ingrained into my behavioral and cognitive processes for a good 24 years. So I'm still trying to figure out what to do (what I *can* do) about it.

Journal 011

I got to bed at a decent time last night; I was actually in bed before 7, and the difference showed, as I felt a whole lot better about getting up at 5 than I have been lately, even if I was still not exactly jumping out of bed by that time. Temperatures seem to have gotten colder since that short mild span, not that I've really been outside much. Though I just peeked out the window, and it looks like a light layering of snow fell at some point during the night. From what I can see in the darkness, there's a nice wintry wonderland look to the air, even if the snow is only light, and the roads slick instead of powdered.

I read an article on Cloverfield in Fangoria, and the more I read/hear about the movie, the more I get the impression it's something I gotta see. It's only been out 3 weeks, but I'm surprised it's still showing in the first-run theaters. That goes to show both how jaded I am by the theater business, and how well the movie seems to be doing. At any rate, I've got myself into the mood, now that I know what the movie's gonna be like, and that I have a good feeling it'll be worth the effort, so I'm thinking about catching it soon before that mood fades.

My Dreaded Lord Taskgiver has been dumping some really good manga series on me lately. He persuaded me to read Kurozuka, a 10 volume series about a couple of immortals and their adventures through time. It was really good. He also put me in connection with the Sailor Moon manga series, which I am excited about, since I'm a pretty big fan of the Sailor Moon anime series, considering that it was one of the first series that got me hooked. I've read the first two parts (up through Sailor Moon R), and it's been very good. Some interesting differences in the storyline than what I'm familiar with, but nothing too drastic, as far as I can remember. And then there's a series called Blame!, which I haven't looked at yet, but from the descriptions I'm getting, it sounds interesting.

So I'm running out of space on my hard drives. I finally went through with uninstalling Tomb Raider Anniversary on my C drive, a little while ago. That freed up a whole 4 gigs or more (man, it was a huge game). And my D drive is right about at its max. So I've actually been putting those manga series on my C drive temporarily, until I free up some space on D. To do that, I considered what would be the best way to make some space fast, and I realized I had a few entire anime series sitting on my drive, just waiting to be archived on DVD, after I get around to watching them. So of the three I have in full, I decided I'd watch Negima real quick, so I could move it off. I watched half of it today (13 episodes), and I'm really enjoying it. So many adorable characters. I counted 31 in the class, from the scenes in the opening animation. And it doesn't really feel like a repeat of Love Hina, which is something I was a little afraid of.

Interestingly, the episode of Millenium I watched today had a similar theme to M. Night Shyamalan's The Village - with a gated community of people who feel immune to the evils of society, only to find that the evil exists even within their ranks. Afterward, I happened to catch an episode of Modern Marvels on the History Channel, purely by chance. It was about 90's technology, and the roots of the high-tech digital world we live in today. There was lots of interesting information about the internet, including the launching of Google and Amazon, and stuff on the development of cell phones, digital cameras, and GPS devices. And - my favorite part - they talked about the advent of FPS PC games, and not only mentioned Doom, but the Doom modding community! It was so awesome to hear them talk about that, even if just briefly, on television!!

I had an idea about this RPM Challenge. I thought about, instead of doing the ambient thing, I could actually try to do another album I've been planning for a while - Amusement Fair. For that album, I have a bunch of pre-written poems selected, and what I have to do is just turn them into songs. It would restore the whole song-crafting business that was lacking from my other project idea, and it would be a good excuse to do something I've been meaning to do. But I looked at it today, and I have to say, I've become discouraged. I realize that I really don't have much interest in being a songwriter. I don't really care about writing songs, so much. I just want to play them. So I dunno what's gonna happen. Tomorrow's yet another Open Stage, and I suppose it'll be exactly like the last however many since I've been doing the 'madness' thing. Maybe it's just a passing mood, but I don't have much confidence in being able to reach my dreams right now...

To Do List

Contrary to what you may believe, my schedule is just as busy as that of anyone who has a job or goes to school. The primary differences are just that 1) there are rarely any deadlines, and 2) most of the things I "have" to do are actually pretty agreeable tasks. In any case, I have a long list of things I'd like to accomplish, and despite their light nature, I do at times feel quite overwhelmed by them. The worst part is how I tend to avoid the most important tasks for the easiest ones.

Here's my current To Do List, more or less:

Video Games To Play

I recently (4, 5, 6? months ago or so) bought a bunch of classic Final Fantasy titles re-released for Playstation, as I was updating my old FF-related webpage, and it got me in the mood to dig up the old classics. As it turned out, I only had a chance to play FFIV and FFV before I got distracted and pulled away to other things. So I still have FFVI and Chrono Trigger to play through, which is something I want to make a point of doing sooner or later. Priority level for this task is pretty low, at this point, however.

I also got Silent Hill 4 for Christmas. I played through Silent Hill 3 last Halloween, so I'm on a break period before I'm ready to tackle another Silent Hill (you can only visit that town so often - too much and it'll tear your soul apart). So at this point it's just a matter of time, waiting for when I feel the call to return to that spooky resort lake town. Playing a Silent Hill title can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks, or longer, depending on how much I focus on the game - I usually tend to put in long hours, when possible, while I'm working on the game, putting all other tasks in the background. In contrast, the Final Fantasy games could easily take weeks, maybe even up to a month, depending on focus.

PC Games To Play

Never been much of a PC gamer - I've always been the console type. However, there are exceptions. I have two visual novels to play through. One - Fate Stay Night - I've spent a lot of time on. There are three (I believe) scenarios to the game and I've played through the main one. The only thing stopping me from the others is waiting on the translations. So sometime in the future when those are done I anticipate completing the game fully. The other game - Ever17 - I haven't even started yet, but it looks interesting, and it was recommended by a friend, so I'm looking forward to playing it, *sometime* when I get around to it.

In addition to those visual novels, there is always Doom - which will always be my favorite PC game (and one of the greatest games ever made). I started on a voyage to play through the Top 100 custom wads (user-designed levels) as voted by Doomworld.com, but only got through most of the second year (they're ranked as the best 10 from each year, spanning a decade) before I got, once again, distracted and pulled away to other things. I will go through all those wad's eventually - Doom has been with me since the beginning, and I've always come back to it again and again through the years. I suspect the time commitment for playing all those wads, some of which are full-on episodes (groups of 8-9 levels), or more, is pretty huge, but I'm not really in any hurry. I originally started playing through them to inspire me while I was working on designing my own Doom levels (another project that's been put on indefinite hold), but since that's not currently on my mind, neither are the wads.

Anime Series To Watch

I am greatly happy that my anime fandom hasn't died out after all these years. I still love watching anime, as much as I ever have, and it's exciting to be on the front lines, seeing some of the series while they're brand new. But I do have a list of series to plow through, and lately that list has been growing faster than it's been shrinking.

I just finished up Genshiken and Zetsubou, so it's nice to check those off the list, although now it looks like there's an alternate Zetsubou-related series (which I haven't started yet). I still have Bamboo Blade to follow, which I'm guessing is around the halfway point right now (unless it goes longer than the standard 24-26 episodes for a full series). In addition to that, I have a number of series waiting in the wings. Among the series my friend has recommended, that I have yet to dive into, is Hayate no Gotoku which, from what I can tell, goes beyond the 26 episode mark. Also, there are a couple series that I've downloaded in full, and have been waiting on plowing through, but haven't gotten around to yet. Namely, the Lodoss TV series, which I've been dying to see ever since being blown away by the original OAV series, and a series called Negima, which attracted me due to being based on a series written by the creator of Love Hina (a series I very much enjoyed), and the fact that it appears to be chock full of cute girls. What's more, there's also Chobits, a series that I've already seen, but since I re-downloaded it, I've been dying to watch it again, because Chii is so damn cute.

And, as if that wasn't enough, there's also the continuation of the Naruto series, which I'm anxious to catch up with. I made a Herculean effort to watch all the two hundred-some episodes of the first series, much of which consisted of dreaded fan-criticized 'filler' (not *that* bad, though). But even now, with the new series, there's already some 44 episodes or so out, and that's 44 episodes that I need to watch before I'm caught up to speed.

As you can see, I have a lot of anime to watch, meaning a lot of time to be wasted watching it. Priority level on most of it is relatively low, except that when I start a series, I like to finish it in a timely fashion. That, and I'd like to keep up on the current series as much as possible, just to 'stay in the game', so to speak.

Manga To Read

And yes, there is also manga for me to read. I've gotten into manga more and more ever since becoming an anime fan. As far as paper series (as opposed to digital stuff on my computer), I'm following Berserk as it comes out in English, volume by volume. I'm also in the middle of School Rumble, which means I don't want to neglect it, if possible. I'm wary of getting into new series, because of the time (and money) commitment they represent, but there are other series I'm interested in reading.

As for the digital stuff, I still have 11 volumes of Kenshin left to read, which has been sitting around for awhile. I'm keeping up with Claymore as it comes out, but that's just a short chapter a month, which is a very small time commitment, and very easy to stay on top of (and also a very good series). Additionally, I have a few Volume 1's from a few different series recommended by my friend that I've been hesitant to jump into because of the time commitment involved if I end up wanting to read more. There's also 51 chapters of Yotsubato, which I recently picked up.

Books To Read

My pile of books to read just keeps growing, and with every title added to the stack, my heart sinks deeper from the knowledge of the commitment involved. I'm in the middle of Dante's Divine Comedy, which, honestly, I started reading about a year ago. I made it through Inferno, and part-way through Purgatorio, before getting (chime in, kids) distracted and pulled away to other things. It's a bit hard to read, because, being an allegory, there's so much uninteresting placement of political and societal facts which bogs down the narrative. It's unfortunate, because, considering the subject, it hasn't shown itself to be as interesting a read as I was expecting. Still, I'm determined to finish it, rather than give up halfway through. But that's proving to be a tough task.

Once I'm finished with that, I have John Milton's Paradise Lost, of a similar theme, that I'd like to read through (I'm crossing my fingers that it's a smoother read than Dante). The whole idea of reading these books, besides my general interest in the topic of heaven and hell as a plot device (Christian mythology is fascinating as fiction, just not as reality), is to serve as inspiration for my own narrative I'm in the process of writing, about journeying through heaven and hell (more on that later). So I see these tasks as not only something I want to do, but something that might have an important influence on what might be my development as a writer - not that I have any lofty ambitions about being a writer, but I do have ideas that I would love to see published some day (in some form), and it would be a great step in the direction of becoming a real artist - someone who profits from his creative instincts. Therefore, the priority level on reading these is high (and yet I've put them off for nearly a year now...).

You might as well get used to right now the inverse relation between priority level and the order in which things get done.

Originally, I was reading through Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series when I took a break to start reading Dante - my mood was ripe for Dante, though in the long run it seems as though I should have just waited. I plowed through the first four books of the Wheel of Time with great interest, and I maintain my excitement to continue the series . . . eventually.

There's a handful of other books, including the ultimate edition of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, which I bought and intended to read years ago now; some other fantasy titles; and Roger Penrose's The Road To Reality - A Complete Guide To The Laws Of The Universe, a book that I doubt I even have the desire to read anymore. Oh, and there's The Illiad and The Odyssey, which I tried to read once a long time ago, but didn't get very far.

And, in the newcomer's corner, there's Clive Barker's Books of Blood, Volumes One To Three, which I just got for Christmas. I'm interested in reading that, and if I enjoy it, there's a good chance I'll pick up volumes 4-6, as well.

For most of those books, the priority is relatively low - no rush. But I have three titles whose priority exceeds even the 'heaven and hell' titles. About a month ago I picked up three self-helpish books on battling social anxiety. My expectations remain realistic, but I'm still hopeful that they might provide *some* information to help me overcome my obstacles and ultimately get out there and make something of my life. I've been waiting on reading them until after finishing up the massive Stones bio, since I've been reading it for awhile, and now that I'm finally finished with it, I think it's time. But for anyone expecting a magical instant transformation, I refer you to NHK Ni Youkoso.

DVD's To Watch

Leftover from Christmas, I still have both Crossroads Guitar Festivals to watch, as well as the majority of Millenium. Millenium is three seasons, and I have about 70 episodes left to watch, I think, at around 40 minutes an episode, I'd say. I've got into the habit of watching one episode at a time, instead of marathoning it. Generally, I'll watch an episode after dinner on the weekdays.

I also received a few more DVD's for my birthday. Included are 300 (worth it for the oracle scene alone), Sunshine (an interesting title that I'm looking forward to seeing - by the director of 28 Days Later), a triplet of classic Bill Murray titles (Stripes, Ghostbusters, and Groundhog Day - maybe I'll wait till February 2 to watch them!), and a groovy PBS hippie special.

Good stuff to keep me entertained for awhile. Though also to keep me away from the more important tasks...

Important Tasks (Creativity/Becoming An Artist):

First of all, becoming a musician. On the top of my list should be steady practice of the guitar, at least an hour a day average. Of course, I'm notoriously bad at practicing, so this is something that rarely happens, unfortunately. Also, the recording status on my album Clear As Mud has been frozen for something like a year. I lost faith in the recording process somewhere along the way, and I've only been drifting away from the project more and more day by day. I have a second album in mind that I was gonna work on after I finished the first, but needless to say, that one hasn't seen any attention, either. Pathetic, isnt' it?

I have a couple major stories I'm working on. One of them is Jabberwocky, which is tied in with the first original [instrumental] song I wrote on guitar. The story is about a young man who returns from a year of solitary meditation/training in the mountains, to find his home town in ruins, scorched to the ground by a vicious dragon he sees in a vision. He then goes on an epic quest to avenge his family, by first acquiring the skills necessary to conquer the Jabberwock, then finding the beast to finally seek requiem. But he runs into some obstacles on the way, and becomes rather side-tracked after succumbing to a spell inadvertently placed on him by a member of the enchanted race. So far, I've worked out a number of the details, but I've actually written very little of the story.

The other story I've been working on is called Ascension. It's meant to be part of a series, possibly a trilogy - inspired moreso by the structure than the content of Dante's Divine Comedy. The story begins with a soul's awakening in the afterlife. So far, most of the effort I've put in is on the first part of the journey, where the soul travels through hell, encountering all the worst tortures and demons on the way. His goal is to purify his spirit and escape the pits of hell, in an attempt at being redeemed. Ultimately, he'll travel through Purgatory and Heaven, and the long term story I'm planning will involve an overthrow of Heaven, if all goes well. There's a bit of a backstory that I've worked out partially, which serves to introduce the main demon lords of hell, who will serve an important role in the overthrow of Heaven and the war against God. Most of my work on the story so far has been designing the various territories of hell, which I've had great fun working on. To start off, I did a lot of interesting research on the mythos of hell in various cultures (although Christian ideas are most abundant), and used the different names and descriptions I came across to define the various territories of my hell.

There are other stories I've thought about, but I've put much less effort into them thus far, and they're not nearly as important to me as the two described above.

As for the gaming realm, seeing as I fantasized as a child about being a game designer of some sort, I have an idea which makes up the backbone of what I think could be a really cool old-school-style 2D console-type RPG (in other words, in the tradition of the Final Fantasy titles for Super Nintendo). The theme revolves around the conflict between nature and technology, as the story starts up a generation or two after a radical religious cult worshipping ancient dragons uses a magical artifact to bring those dragons to life, commanding them to utterly destroy the mechanical world of man, reducing civilization to a primitive form. The charm of the series is the different types of dragons you have to fight, and the Hunter's Guild which plays a major role in the gameplay. It's something of a labor of love, and I've put a lot of thought into it so far, but there's still so much left to work out. I don't know if it will ever become something, but I like to think that there's a chance. By the way, my title for it is "dragonfaith".

While that project hasn't progressed beyond the "thoughts on paper" stage, I *have* put some "falsifiable" effort into my Doom scenario. As I mentioned above, there are some Doom levels that I've planned out into a scenario, and some of which I've actually spent considerable time on designing - to a point that you can actually test them by playing through them! The scenario is based on the story of Berserk, with level design paying homage to a less known PC horror title, Realms of the Haunting. I call my scenario Realms of the Berserk. If you're not familiar with Doom, you'll probably need a crash course if you're interested in trying my levels. And I'd be happy to help you out if that's the case. If you are familiar with Doom, then hopefully you have an idea of what the modding community is about. If you know about zdoom, and you know what .wad files are, then feel free to have a go at my levels - http://zharth.tenjou.net/doom/rotb/index.html. There's also screenshots and more information about the levels on that page, in addition to downloads of the available levels.

I've been working on this thing for quite a long time. I had early demos of the garden, mausoleum, ravine, and living chasm levels even before I went to college. After college, there was a period when I exerted an incredible amount of effort over a couple of weeks to produce what's available now. There's no telling whether I'll ever finish this project, but I like to think, the longer it takes, the easier to use the programs get (at least I hope that's the case, sometimes they end up becoming even more complicated). Any way, only the future can tell.

Realms of the Berserk is my serious Doom project; I have another project I've put a little work into just for fun. The idea came upon me as a result of the paradoxical inequality in American culture between the treatment of violent material, and the treatment of sexual material. Since Doom is a game that is pretty much 100% violence, I thought it would be interesting to flip it over and transform all of that violence into sex. Instead of bloodthirsty demons, you have sexual deviants with an insatiable appetite for lust. Obviously, it would be very easy to write off a project like this as another case of a horny geek replacing all the sprites with pixellated nudity - like all of those people who give pornography a bad name. But no, that's not my style, so I've made an effort to make it interesting, and even tried to tweak the gameplay in very simple but fun ways. Of course, it's only a side project, so there's not much to show for it, and I doubt I have quite the skills necessary to pull (jerk?) it off (largely in the graphics department). Still, I think it's a fun idea to play around with.

Avoidance

Well, getting back to the task at hand, the problem you can clearly see is that the more something needs doing, the less inclined I am to do it. The problem is, when I see a task, I treat it not as something to do, but something to be done. Something to be checked off the list, to be taken off the stack. And so I tend to default toward the things that produce the best results. If I sit and practice guitar for an hour, it doesn't really feel like I got anything done. I don't feel like I'm any better of a guitarist than I was an hour ago. But if I watch a couple episodes of an anime series instead, then I can check those off my list, and I know I'm closer to the end of the series. Even when I was in school, and had multiple homework assignments, I tended to want to do the short and easy ones first. That way, I'd get them out of the way, instead of risking working for hours on a tough assignment, not finishing it, and feeling discouraged because I don't feel like I really accomplished anything in those hours.

There are other issues involved, I know. Altogether, it's very confusing to me, and I keep trying to put the pieces together, to figure out just why I defeat myself like this, by not doing the things that'll produce the more important results down the road apiece (sorry, that was an early Stones reference). And no matter how much I think about it, and acknowledge the problem, it doesn't seem to get any easier to remedy it. I just don't know how to do anything that's not natural to me, and so I keep on continuing the way I've always known how. I have to wonder if it's anything like what an addict goes through, who realizes the problems his addiction is putting him through, but can't seem to shake it no matter how he tries. Except I'm not really addicted to anything (except leisure...and comfort). It has to be a bad wiring in my brain. But how can it be fixed? Can it be fixed?

Multimedia Milieu

These days, most of my time not spent wandering through the labyrinths of the internet is spent watching movies and reading books - mostly stuff I got for Christmas and am only now getting around to.

Redemption

I watched The Shawshank Redemption a few days ago. I had seen bits of it on TV before, so I thought I knew what it was all about, but it turns out I had a slightly different interpretation of it than what it turned out to be. I remembered the scene where the old guy got out of prison only to hang himself. Now, what I thought the whole 'Redemption' was about, was that the main character dedicated his whole life in prison to studying law, until finally overturning his sentence on some kind of technicality. Then, having redeemed himself, with his life having been wasted in prison, and with nothing left to prove, he killed himself. Could I be thinking about a different movie?

Anyhow, this one ends on a much brighter note. I like the whole issue of prisoners being "institutionalized" to the point that they can't really function in society - how they grow to become dependant on those walls and bars - and they end up preferring the jailed life to one of freedom, just because they're so used to it. One of the most interesting points, to me, is the point about fear. A man who's spent decades in jail gets used to it - he's no longer afraid of it. To a person such as that, being placed out in the real world, with newfound freedom, is much scarier than being in prison. And I can relate to that fear of the world. I know what it means to live in fear. I've practically jailed myself in this house, and I'm afraid to come out because, though I desire freedom, I'm also terrified of it.

I also like the scenes where Morgan Freeman's character tries to make his case to the parole board about whether he's been "rehabilitated". The first time, you feel bad that the board outright rejects him ("I'm up for rejection in a few weeks"). The next time, you realize that what he said the first time wasn't particularly sincere, since he says just about the same thing every single time - and then you realize why he was so easily rejected. Eventually you begin to realize that he's only saying what he thinks the board wants to hear, which obviously isn't going to convince them. Then, finally, the time he gets parole, he goes through a truly heartwarming speech about the lie of "rehabilitation", and he basically tells the board off, since he no longer really cares, but he does it in a way that genuinely demonstrates the nobility of his character and his regret over his crime - and this time, he's accepted. A little bit of irony, and a very beautiful demonstration of changing attitudes over the passage of time.

Berserk

Berserk is an amazing manga (Japanese comic) series about a man's fight against destiny in a world filled with demons - the true Dark Ages - and his quest for vengeance against a friend who betrayed him in the worst way. I really can't describe how good this series is - I get teary just thinking about it. I was introduced to it through the anime series, which is equally amazing, but only covers the very beginning of the story. Since then, I've been following the English translations of the manga, keeping up with the story.

I'm up to volume 19 now. After leaving Casca for the second time, Guts finally gets to see her again, but only briefly. The pagan ceremony was awesome. Something huge is about to happen, I can tell. They're at this huge religious tower surrounded by practically an army of refugees. And something has been hiding in the shadows, watching all that's been going on. And I think it's finally about to strike. This is a conjecture, but I'll bet the hidden thing is gonna inhabit that freak priest with the flat face (who practices 'prostration'), and we're gonna have a full-blown apostle on our hands. Those scenes in the torture dungeon were pretty hideous. One of the great things about this series is that it is successfully able to shamelessly marry intelligent plot and sympathetic characters with explicit sex and violence. I couldn't possibly ask for more! Except more volumes, that is.

Immortality

The Fountain was among the DVD's I got for Christmas. I remember noticing it when it originally came out. It looked interesting, but I didn't get around to seeing it. Well, now I have. I have to admit, it was a fascinating movie, although it went in a bit of a different direction than I was hoping. I guess you could say I was expecting more fantasy and less drama. But it was still a great tale. With lots to interpret.

I guess the core of the story is what takes place in present time. A doctor on the verge of discovering a medicinal elixir of life, extracted from a tree in Central America, is racing against time while the love of his life is dying of cancer. She in turn is writing a story about the Tree of Life, related to Spanish/Mayan history. Part of that mythology involves the Mayan underworld, named after a dying star observed in the heavens. A star that the main character is traveling toward, in a bubble-like spaceship with a dying tree, presumably far into the future. These three timelines tradeoff as the story unfolds, leaving you to guess just exactly how they fit together.

I guess one interpretation would be that the past scenes are merely an embodiment of the story, and the future scenes part of the doctor's madness - leaving us with just the present. But, if we want to be a little more adventurous, we could conjecture that the doctor does in reality discover the secret to immortality and that the future scenes actually happen as is. But is there an interpretation where the past scenes could be real as well? Because that's what I was hoping for - a tale about two lovers who exist through many ages, from the past through the present and on to the future. But considering what happens when the conquistador in the past finds the Tree of Life, it doesn't seem too reasonable.

Still, the beauty of the story is the sheer imagination of it and the way it was filmed, and how the different timelines interact with one another to create a rich tapestry of storytelling. That, and the question of immortality that is inevitably brought up. Is death just a disease, that needs to be cured? Or is death the road to awe? It's a tough question that's been asked as long as man has been around, I imagine. And I don't think the answer is as easy as some people pretend. Life and death both serve a purpose, and neither one is purely good, or bad. I don't think there is an ultimate answer as to whether or not death *should* have a place in life. But it does have that place, and there is very little we can do about it - and this fact, I believe, will continue to inspire people to fight against it. You have to be careful, though - there is a balance to be found between vying for eternal life and accepting the simple fact of death. If we get too caught up on living forever, we make death all the harder to bear. And I think that's one of the messages that The Fountain carries - the need to accept death.

Millenium

It's a little past its time, I guess, but having gotten the series for Christmas, I just started watching it. From the creator of The X-Files, it's been described as a darker version of that more popular series. I was aware of it when it was on for just a few short years before the turn of the millenium, but I never really watched it. I was totally absorbed in The X-Files around that time, and I don't think I would quite have been ready for it back then. But now, with my newfound interest in the horror genre, and the dark side of human nature, I think it's right up my alley.

I can't say much yet, as I've only seen the first two episodes. The story is about an ex-FBI agent (played by Lance Henriksen, who I've always known as the android Bishop from Aliens) who has a talent for seeing into the minds of killers. He balances his service as a member of a "consultant group" - the Millenium Group, whose aims are catching violent predators (and I suspect there's something deeper that hasn't been divulged yet) - with protecting his wife and young daughter (in general, and particularly from a potentially dangerous but as-yet-unidentified stalker). From the first episode, I get the impression the series will be dealing with catching a lot of truly disturbed murderers and rapists, but the second episode gives me hope that there is something deeper going on - that maybe there's an evil presence pulling the strings, that goes beyond the "cold heart and weak mind" of these killers. I'm anxious to see more.