Journal 017

Last night was kind of damp, and it was raining off and on towards the morning. I remember lying in bed, thinking to myself it'll snow again before it starts to really get warm - it always does. Well, I wasn't anticipating it so soon, but I woke up today to yet another fresh layer of snowfall. I'm sure this won't be the last snowfall of the season, though I am already anticipating the soothing showers of spring.

It's surprising that Easter is so early this year - right on the tail of the vernal equinox. But it's convenient that it would decide to ride on the heel of the pagan festival of Ostara (or Eostar) - the celebration of said equinox. Still, I'm used to it being sometime in April, so this is a little unusual. And then St. Patrick's Day is like a week before Easter, which is ridiculous. Can't these people spread their holidays out a bit better? In general pagan observance, there are 8 significant celebratory dates spread fairly evenly throughout the year. Well, the only reason I'm complaining is that I have ideas for my music log to honor the various holidays, and *way* too many holy-themed songs to play before Easter.

And March is also a busy month for birthdays in this immediate family, involving both of my brothers' birthdays as well as my mother's birthday. Second only to the late January, early February stretch which holds my birthday, my dad's birthday, and, I believe, also my grandmother and uncle's birthdays. Anyhow, I hate the whole thing about gift-giving. Doing something nice for a person you care about is one thing, but being obligated to purchase some commercial commodity for a specific day, or face the risk of being ridiculed or even victimized, is another thing entirely. I mean, going out and celebrating is nice - you spend time with the people you care about, and that's the most important gift, right? I don't believe in cards either, though. It just seems such a phony way of showing appreciation. Here's a cheap item you're just gonna throw away after looking at, with artwork I didn't draw, and some nice words I didn't write, but it's the thought that counts, right? At any rate, my one brother just spent $400 on CD's - and he's trying to pursue an ascetic lifestyle, and my other brother has enough money to buy anything he could want that I would ever think of buying him, and I don't even know him that well anymore, and the interests he does have I'm clueless about - sports, mainly. So to me, it just seems kind of pointless. And yet, the pressure to perform remains. They both got me something for my birthday, so it'd be tantamount to a slap in the face if I didn't reciprocate.

Today's episode of Millenium (for me, anyway) was good. I think I'm more than halfway through the second season now. I was lamenting the fact that Frank's wife Catherine isn't in it as much now that they've split up after the events of the first season cliffhanger. She really is a good character. Not as good as Frank Black, of course, but still good, just what you would expect from the woman that would marry Frank. Although, their relations have been pretty frustrating, since they seem to be drifting apart for the wrong reasons. The Millenium Group itself is proving to become more interesting as the series continues on. Still lots of mystery there. I was excited about this episode, because for once there was some real tension developing between Frank and the group, and at this point, although for the whole time the group has been portrayed as the good side, I'm wondering if there's maybe something more sinister going on underneath it all than what one might expect. The episode itself was a rather interesting "Into The Wild"-ish story, about a kid who, before entering college, entered instead into the Alaskan wilderness to find a much more fulfilling life. I'm really enjoying this series.

Keeping on that thread, a couple days back I saw the Jose Chung episode of Millenium. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you're out of luck. But just like the rather unique and entertaining episode of The X-Files which features Jose Chung, there's a similar episode in Millenium. I love how the titles of these two episodes so perfectly and succinctly describe the basic theme of their respective series. For The X-Files, the Chung episode is titled "From Outer Space", and for Millenium, the episode is titled "Doomsday Defense". And really, that's what those two shows are all about!

Apparently, my dad's nickname among his buddies is/was at one time "Too Much". This is clearly reflected in the license plate he chose for the family van. Now, I don't know what earned him that nickname - although I can get a pretty good idea, judging from what I know of his personality, always taking on challenges and whatnot, and from *pieces* of stories from his younger days that have slipped out here and there - but recently I discovered an entirely different behavior of his that resembles that moniker. And it involves his cooking. Particularly when making sandwiches. They're always so huge, stuffed to the brim with ingredients, on huge buns, covered in grease. Personally, I think they're too masculine; I'd prefer a more feminine sandwich (if that makes any sense). But it's a matter of style, and at least the sandwiches are still usually good. But it's not just sandwiches. I enjoy the quesadillas he makes, but by god, they're like freaking overstuffed oreos or something (I'm sorry, I had a really hard time thinking of a good comparison). It's just that, the quesadillas I'm used to are mostly tortilla, with a nice hint of other ingredients inside, mostly chicken and cheese. But these ones my dad makes are truly beasts of the wild. And there's often huge portions, regardless of what's on the menu. My older brother eats a lot, but I'm on the other end of the spectrum, and I always feel pushed to eat more than I'd prefer, because you know, semiconsciously, I fear that not eating very much would give off the impression that I don't like the food or something, and I instinctively feel like that would be a personal attack against his hospitality. I know it's not a very reasonable reaction, but I can't help fearing that sort of outcome.

I was pretty tired last night, and I've noticed I've been getting to bed kind of late lately, and getting up at the last minute. I'd love to get to bed earlier, and last night I tried to. But god, I was exhausted, lying in bed, and what I really wanted was to just fall asleep, but something kept me up. Some nagging, restless feeling. I guess there's not much to say about it, I just can't get past the fact that when I have to get up, I'm tired enough to sleep for hours, yet when I go to bed, it's often an effort to cross that line into sleep mode. Why do I have to be sleepy when I have to get up, and not when my body needs to rest, and I want to go to bed? If only I could harness that power and apply it at the appropriate times. It's not like I'm never tired, that that energy's not there - it is, it's just not in the right place...

I finally finished reading the Rurouni Kenshin manga over the past few days. I had stopped at the end of the Kyoto Arc, and now I've finally read the (final) Jinchuu Arc. Very good. So that's where the stuff about Kenshin's past comes from - which is easily the best part of the animated series. I liked it a lot. Why does the ending have to be so depressing though? I mean, it's not like it's a particularly depressing ending. Ironically, I'd probably feel better if everybody died at the end - maybe that's why I like those tragedy endings better, because it's easier to say goodbye to a character when they've died and the world is destroyed, than simply walking away, knowing that their lives will go on, but that I won't be there to continue experiencing their pleasures and joys. It makes me feel sad, saying goodbye to those characters and their stories, and it makes me sad in real life, and I re-realize how lonely I am. And I think about my life, and I want to go out and have adventures, and make reality as interesting as fiction is. But it's not that interesting. And it's never that perfect or happy either. Still, even that intense feeling of nostalgia - whether it's for experiences you've had or only imagined - and that bittersweet, painful feeling of longing... I wouldn't give that up for anything. That feeling of being alive, and that desire to strive for more, to make an effort to try and relocate happiness, however futile the search may be. I just can't understand how anyone could treat life so lightly. But we don't all have the same experience of it, I fear.

I myself have questioned the merit of eliminating distractions. As much as I enjoy losing myself in fantasy lives, it keeps me away from my own, real life. I wonder if, I had nothing to do, at all, except lie in bed or strum the guitar or write stories from my own head, then maybe I'd strum the guitar and write stories from my own head more often. As long as I have a choice between doing those things, and doing something easier, with a more direct reciprocation of pleasure and satisfaction, I will almost always choose the easier path. I have this long list of things to do - largely, fantasy worlds to experience, in various forms - and I feel like I won't get anything really important done as long as those things are on the list. So I think about closing the list to new submissions, and burning through each item till it's empty. Then I could focus on what's important. But there are always new things, interesting things. What if I hadn't opened myself up to watching Berserk? There are a lot of things I enjoy, but I question how much impact they really have in my life, but a series like Berserk, I wouldn't want to live a life without having the experience of that series, given the choice. So if I close myself, what could I end up missing? Yet if I leave myself open, what important tasks in my life will I neglect? I have a really hard time balancing between the two, as I've explained. So I'm not sure where to go from here. But in the meantime, I still have that list of things that I intend to burn through.

Journal 015

Okay, now for the stuff I /meant/ to talk about in my journal entry last night...

I've gotten into the habit of briefly opening the window in the bathroom when I go in to take my shower, after getting out of bed every evening. The reason is so that I can see the landscape, in the light of day, since on my schedule, I very rarely get to see the outside world in daylight. It's great just to be able to actually see the world, instead of just darkness, and in an instant I can tell what the temperature is and what the weather is like for that day. The past week or so it's been pretty snowy, but last night it was unexpectedly mild (on a relative scale, of course). When I looked out the window today, before my shower, all the snow had been completely melted away. God, I can't wait for spring. As much as I love the snow, I want warmer weather already.

Oh, another nice thing about looking out that window, is that, because it's pretty small, you always get the same viewpoint on the world every day, and it's facing west, and by the time I get up, the sun is usually not too far above the horizon (depending on the season, of course), SOOOOO, it's cool to notice how the sun's position on the horizon, and in relation to specific trees and houses in the foreground, changes over the year, moving north in the spring, and south in the fall. That kind of practical astronomical sort of thing fascinates me, which isn't surprising, considering my interest in nature-based pagan spirituality.

Last night I watched a video of a live concert for a Japanese pop group, AKB48, which consists of a bunch of cute Japanese girls, most of which (I believe) are aged in the teens. I'm not gonna bother with an anthropological discussion of modern pop trends in Japan, so if you want some kind of explanation or something, have fun. My friend, who currently lives in Japan, sent me the video, and he's the one who introduced me to the group. Back when we were in college, he introduced me to a similar group, Morning Musume, and we watched a bunch of their videos, and I know I was pretty hooked for a bit. The basic appeal is cute girls dancing around in sexy costumes while singing happy songs. More or less. And although I still prefer the aesthetic of 'white' girls, I've learned over time to appreciate Asian beauty.

The AKB48 video was pretty good. The costumes were impressive. For the first few songs, they had layered outfits, and after each song, they'd instantly peel off the outer layer to reveal a different outfit underneath. It's quite a shocking effect, and it's amazing that they can pull it off; having costumes under costumes, and managing to make them all look fantastic. Then, throughout the show, different sets of girls come in with all kinds of different elaborate costumes. The number with the girls in skeleton dresses was incredibly adorable. I was a little disappointed that they did the song "Skirt, Hirari" in shorts, since one of the major appeals of the song (for me, anyway) is the way they sort of flip their skirt throughout the song. Even without skirts, they were still pretty hot, so I think I can forgive them. I also enjoyed "Seifuku ga Jama wo Suru", which is an amazing song which basically translates to "My School Uniform's Getting In The Way", and involves the girls singing lines like "take off my uniform", "I want to be loved more freely", and such. Personally, it's just more attractive than when some American slut does the same. Different cultural backdrop and whatnot. I'm a sucker for seifuku, anyway.

I guess most fans who get into these Japanese pop groups have a favorite girl (or maybe more than one). I have to admit, ever since the first AKB48 video I watched, there was one girl in particular that stood out from the crowd. Doing some quick research, I find that her name is Kojima Haruna. There aren't a lot of people in my life, the way things are now, and that means there aren't a lot of girls, either. As pathetic as it may sound, I've learned to love two-dimensional animated characters. But unlike some point-of-no-return otaku freaks (and I use that term endearingly), I haven't forsaken my love for three-dimensional girls...yet. Honestly, I'm not too worried about that, but I do like to sympathize with people who get obsessed with fictional characters, because, although there are lines that shouldn't be crossed, there are also certain levels to which we should have no fear of going. In the past, I've argued the merits of having affection for fictional characters, and what bugs me is people who say that there's absolutely no reason to waste emotion on an imaginary person. As far as I'm concerned, the person who says that either has absolutely no imagination, or empathy, or could do with a little less real-world popularity and attention - since he's probably hogging it all, keeping people like us from getting the attention we need.

Well, speaking of pop idols, I was at Wal-Mart last night, and seriously, you can't turn around without finding yourself face-to-face with some kind of Hannah Montana merchandise. It's really getting out of hand. Damn mainstream American pop aesthetic. Give me a cute Japanese chick any day of the week. I've noticed recently that Wal-Mart has been shipping in tasty bakery-style Pepperoni rolls, and it's always a treat having one of those, although sometimes there's less pepperoni than I'd like. I at least looked for a replacement bulb for my reading/heat lamp, but I didn't see the right kind. I probably have to go to some hardware store or something for that, and I don't see that happening any time soon...

Hm, I just remembered that I completely fell behind on my music log last night, and that I still need to catch up. Time has run out, and I'm still not 100% sure of this week's theme. I'm trying to plan ahead for the upcoming holidays. Themes for Easter, and the Vernal Equinox, and eventually Beltane, and all that. Is anybody even keeping up with the ZML? I don't wanna pester people and forcefully remind them to take a look, because that's not the kind of person I am, but I get the feeling that most of the time I'm only doing this for myself. And although I'm more or less okay with that, for the time being, I was hoping that maybe there'd be /some/ kind of discussion about it. I know I took down the comment form, because nobody was using it, but I recently added a link to a discussion on my personal message board, which has been out of use for so long. I figured it was the perfect solution, and I can't believe I didn't think of it before I went to the trouble to program a comment form that ended up being unnecessary.

I know it's a lot to ask people to bear with my specific taste in music, but I've had experience as a DJ, and I'd just like to think that there are people out there that not only respect my services, but are interested /enough/ to at least get involved. I don't mind if somebody thinks a song sucks here or there. And besides, if there's something specific you'd like to hear, I've always been open to suggestions. Granted, I'm still in the captain's seat, but I like to take care of my listeners, when reasonable, and it'd be a good way for our musical tastes to interact, and we may both learn something at the end of the day.

All I'm trying to say is, playing music for people isn't a one way street. But I'll admit, I'm also afraid of the kind of exposure I'd like to have. I think that's a common thread in my life.

Journal 012

It's been a little while since I did a straight journal entry, I guess. I've been spending most of my time lately between playing with photography, and catching up on various anime and manga series. This weekend I finished the first season of Millenium - great show. I look forward to watching the next two seasons. Wow, that was sad what happened to Bletch... I also caught back up on watching the new Zetsubou series. I thought it was gonna be like a totally different retelling or something, but it appears to mostly be more of the same (meaning still good). I also read a manga called Blame!, which was a pretty cool atmospheric, post-apocalyptic in tone, mellow story. Lots of atmosphere; the story takes place in this endless space of mechanical jungle that expands in every direction, much of which is uninhabited. Very interesting.

I've been having fun with the nude photography so far. I'm getting used to shooting for a single shot a day, and I'm starting to realize that I'm not using my batteries as quickly as I'm recharging them - which is a good thing. But it can still get confusing when it comes down to keeping track of which batteries I've used and which ones I've just recharged, since I have six. I think two might be a little more dead than the rest, and I'd be inclined to maybe get rid of them, if I could figure out for sure which ones they were... I've considered getting a new charger, since I read about one that's supposed to be real good, that charges in three hours (as opposed to eight), and is still only twenty bucks. I'll look next time I'm in a store, and see how things turn out. I'm loving the tripod, but one thing about it that irritates me is the fact that when I turn the camera on its side, to take a vertically-oriented picture, the one tripod leg gets in the way of the camera and I can't get it to line up right, so I have to end up taking a diagonal picture. Even if I try to adjust the individual lengths of the legs to change the angle, they're not sturdy enough to stay in place. So for now, that's an irritation, but it's something I've been working around.

I'm still looking through a lot of interesting photos on Flickr, and I get understandably excited when the numbers of views on my own photos go up. I'd love to have a little more feedback on what I'm doing, but I'm a little cautious about advertising myself, and there's always the question of what *kind* of people I want to have evaluating my efforts. I decided not to be a part of the official 365 Days group, primarily for the reason that I anticipate a number of my photos would likely be considered 'across the border'. Basically, it's a reflection of my placement outside of the accepted community of normals. I understand that I'm different, and I want to celebrate it, but I fear the distinctions people would make between me and them, and the way I'd potentially be ostracized and ridiculed for who I am.

In other news, the fam went out to dinner today. The restaurant we went to changed their menu a bit since the last time I remember eating there. There was no chicken fajitas, which I remember enjoying, and there was no awesome S'mores dessert, either. I ended up having chicken tenders instead (boring, I know, but they were pretty good), and some chocolate banana bread pudding that was so-so. Oh, I also had the baked potato soup, which was not bad. I like a good soup, but most soups just aren't my kind of flavor. So it's nice to find/know of one that I like. The waitress we had looked very familiar - I'm sure I must have had some class with her in high school. Of course I didn't say anything, because it's not like I was ever friends with her. I probably never even spoke to her, and there's no reason to break that streak now.

For my book-reading progress, I took a break after I got halfway through the third of my self-helpish books, since that's when my reading lamp bulb broke, and I still have yet to replace it. Maybe the rest of that book will provide some more ideas, but I'm still at a loss. I question how much of my inability to cope with society is because of my uniquity, and how much is because of my fears. I like to place a healthy share of the blame on the fact that I'm different, and that I'm just not programmed to work as a part of this machine. But maybe I'm just avoiding the real issue. If I could conquer my fears, maybe it would be possible to actually do something with my uniquity. Like, maybe I'd actually find someone to play guitar with, or maybe I'd find a way to make a living as a photographer, or perhaps a model. Or maybe I'd actually be able to get some kind of job as a DJ, or work in a music store, or something like that. The bottom line is, there are actions I could be taking that I'm not taking, and the reason I'm not taking them is because I'm afraid. And that fear is something that's been ingrained into my behavioral and cognitive processes for a good 24 years. So I'm still trying to figure out what to do (what I *can* do) about it.

Journal 010

Unfortunately, I haven't done too much to take advantage of it, but the weather's been mild the past two days or so. Though it's also been kind of rainy/windy. The temperatures are up in the 50's though, even overnight, which is nice for drab February. Last night the garbage was out, so I made a point to finally take out those boards from the collapsed VHS tower. It was the middle of the night, of course, and I was most certainly naked, but I took them all the way out to the curb. I also took a bag out tonight, to the side of the house. In related news, I got the new wall decoration I ordered recently just the other day. It's an official-looking "Clothing Optional Beyond This Point" sign, and I think it's totally cool. There were three kinds, indicating either Florida, California, or Hawaii State Beaches at the bottom, and though I could have easily taken California, I went with Hawaii since you can't go wrong with tropical islands.

My brother convinced me to aid him in satisfying his craving for Wendy's tonight, before the drive-through closed at 1am. We ordered and ate in the parking lot (in the van, of course). They were out of frosties, surprisingly. They had chicken nuggets, but they weren't as good as the old chicken tenders they used to have... The fries weren't the best fast food fries I've ever had, either. But hey, it is what it is. I made a point to stop at Giant Eagle before going home, because I needed to restock my supply of cotton swabs. I also picked up the latest issue of Fangoria. I wonder if it's really popular or something, because sometimes I go and I just don't see it there, and today, the issue I grabbed was the last one.

I haven't read any of it yet, but flipping through, I saw an ad for The Poughkeepsie Tapes, an upcoming horror mockumentary (?) supposedly scheduled to open this Friday. However, reports on its opening date are mixed, and there's some evidence that the 2/08/08 date has been bumped. Right now I'm not exactly sure when the movie will be released, whether it will be in a couple days, or not until the end of the year - or anytime else - but I am looking forward to seeing it. Basically, from what I've seen of the trailer, it's supposed to be a faux documentary of a serial killer who left behind tons of video tapes of his crimes. Not surprising that certain people would get upset about it, but I have to admit I'm very intrigued by it. The whole dark side of mankind idea, and gazing into the abyss, and all that. I'm a horror fan, and it's probably not surprising that I have an interest in serial killers and things like that. It's not terribly easy to talk about, casually, because people have a tendency to assume that if you're interested in that stuff, then you're automatically predisposed to partake in it. Well, I hope you can guess what I think of that mindset. Watching Millenium sort of gives me the idea that it might be cool to be an investigator of violent crimes or something, since I feel like I could sympathize with these criminals, while not actually condoning their behavior. Getting into the mind of the killer in a way. Though without Frank Blank's special skill. It'd probably be completely different to be exposed to that sort of thing in real life, though. I mean, I don't mind the gore in a horror flick at all, but, ironically, when it comes to real life, I get queasy at the mere sight of blood. Just one of those things...

I've already fully accepted the fact that I belong on the lunatic fringe of society. If I do ever have a place in the mainstream, it can only be a cover. But that doesn't make me bad or evil or uncivilized or anything like that. I'm simply different. My standards and morals and values don't necessarily match up with the average. It's a shame because it makes things rather difficult for me. I'm a victim of space and time. But on the other hand, I value my uniqueness, and my unconventional opinions. It takes all kinds. I just hope I can find *some* place for myself in this world...

I finished Dying Of Embarrassment in two sittings. More of the same. Plenty of good information, but it still comes down to the question of making an active effort. And desensitization. If I felt okay about willfully entering these situations, even just enough to overcome my fear of them, then my problem would have been long gone by now. Although I'm still hoping for a miracle (read: knight in shining armor), I've already come to the conclusion that there's very little chance of me overcoming my problems on my own. Yet, getting professional help is incomprehensible to me. It doesn't help that in that section in the book, their best advice is to "ask questions". Yeah, the hardest possible thing for me to do. Even if I knew what I was getting into. Ideally, I think everyone should have a personal guardian (angel, perhaps?) that guides them through life. Of course, that would be impossible, because there are few if any people actually qualified to do a good job of that, and they'd have to be so dedicated to their case that they could only handle one person at a time (and then who would handle them?). Well, there's another piece of proof that 'God' doesn't exist. No guardian angels. Fuck you, god.

RPM Challenge is, well, *is*. I guess I'm coming up with some stuff. Still plenty of time to play around and put things together, I guess. If anything, it's been a pretty good excuse for me to pick up the guitar and play. Although it's easy to get distracted playing through all the riffs/songs I know, not that that's altogether a bad thing. I figure I should learn the songs in that Blues Guitar Bible I have, because they're great blues songs that I would kill to have in my repertoire. The only thing stopping me is the effort. Freddie King's I'm Tore Down is in there, and I started trying to play it last night. Awesome short little opening lick that totally sounds like a Freddie King lick. But golly, knowing which notes to play isn't enough. You have to know *how* to play them to make them sound good, the way Freddie does instinctively, and then you gotta practice them enough that you can nail them on the fly. Think of the effort, and that's just the first few seconds of the song! But I want more than anything to be able to play that song start to finish with all of Freddie's stingin' licks. UuuuUuuUUuuuUUuuggghhhh... Why can't I have been born with an indomitable work ethic?

Journal 007

There have been times in my life where I've considered the value of writing a diary. Having the ability to look back in detail at the things that were happening to me on any given day in the past, and the thoughts that were running through my mind, is interesting, if not all that practical. However, I never had the discipline to force myself to write about my day regularly, as it's always seemed like a redundant effort. Still, with my dedication to this blog, it seems I now have a sufficient excuse (even if it's not daily).

Friday was another Open Stage night at the den. It was relatively uncrowded - in my opinion, likely due to the bitter cold. I still get crazy nervous reactions before performing, and I don't know if it's more about going out of the house and into a crowd of people, or if it's about the performing itself, as I've gotten fairly comfortable getting up and playing at the den (although the same cannot be said about any other venues). The symptoms are more physical than psychological, I think. I have a sensitive digestive system, and my sinuses seem to want to react as well, like as if I was allergic to people or social contact or something. Even when I sit down and write for this blog, and start talking about stuff in a context where I know other people will be reading it, I start sniffing and coughing and sipping water a lot more than when I'm doing other things. It's weird. (And it is indeed happening now, as expected).

Before the Open Stage, I was thinking about my "madness" act, and I was starting to come to the conclusion that it was getting old, in my mind, and I needed to do something to make it new and interesting. I'm thinking about maybe incorporating the bow I have, but I need to practice that a bit and see if I can make it interesting. At any rate, when my time came to perform, I tried to mix my repertoire up a bit, opening it in a different way, and trying to spend more time on the quiet, ambient portions, than on the loud, erratic portions. I think it was good. At the end of it, someone in the audience asked for an explanation, and I was like (to myself) "shit, what do I say?" So I made something up about syzygy and planets lining up and cosmic energy or something, and I think they bought it.

Afterwards the Primatives & Co. had pizza again, since the Indian eatery they wanted to eat at wasn't open late enough (at least I think that's what the problem was).

Saturday, I finally watched one of the two Crossroads Guitar Festivals I got over the holidays. Some really great stuff. Joe Walsh did an awesome extended blues intro to Funk #49, which surprised and impressed me. I like his introduction to Rocky Mountain Way - "if I knew I was gonna have to play this song for the rest of my life, I would've written something else." I liked the songs that were done which had multiple guitarists, where each guitarist was given a chance to solo - which happened a lot at the festival. Like when Eric Clapton, Buddy Guy, Jimmie Vaughan, and B.B. King all took their turn on Rock Me Baby, and when each of the artists in Clapton's band soloed during a fierce and extended performance of Have You Ever Loved A Woman. Even though it's not really my scene, Steve Vai's performance was at least interesting - he's undoubtedly very talented at the instrument, but I see him more as a showman than a musician. Robert Cray's Time Makes Two was incredibly moving. I love songs that are performed like that, where the pain and sadness is palpable, and you could imagine the artist breaking down in tears just as easily as pouring out another verse or solo. Pretty much the exact opposite of Vai's act. Musically, Jonny Lang's act was alright, but the sheer effort he put into singing and playing was downright impressive. I felt like he was gonna have a stroke or something... I generally steer away from J.J. Cale's influence on Eric Clapton (Cale wrote Cocaine as well as After Midnight), because it's different from the blues material that I like to hear Eric Clapton play, but Cale's playing here was very interesting. Unique, and expressive. When James Taylor came on to do a couple songs, I was totally thinking, "this guy is such a chick musician" - like, you know how there are chick flicks? Well, James Taylor is one of the 'chick flicks' of musicians, if that makes any sense to you. Always good to see Santana play - I envy him for his wicked sustain. I don't know how he does it. It was fun to see Clapton play some Santana-esque licks in homage during the song - I think it's so interesting to hear guitarists playing in the style of other guitarists - not so much when they're stealing an artist's technique, but more as a form of musical impression. John Mayer was expectedly disappointing - I don't even know why he was involved in the festival. Even during his interview, he kept saying these weird things that made absolutely no sense at all. It's like, what? What are you talking about, and who cares? ZZ Top's closing act was pretty cool.

I started reading Living Fully With Shyness And Social Anxiety. There are different sections dedicated to different aspects of the condition. I've read the part on the body - physical symptoms. It's not as important to me as I think the part on the mind will be, since at this stage in my life, I've pretty much extracted myself from most of the situations that give me physical anxiety, and I'm more concerned with battling the psychological ideas that keep me from even going out there, into the world. It was still interesting though. Particularly the part about Shy Bladder Syndrome - the condition of being unable to 'vacate' in the presence of others, for psychological, rather than physiological, reasons. I admit it's something I have trouble with at times. Using public restrooms designed for more than one person at a time is pretty stressful for me, and I try to avoid it whenever possible, sometimes to adverse effect. Especially in college, taking a leak could at times become a rather paralyzing obstacle, when the hall restroom was anything less than empty. The real trouble of it is that you go in there, and if you could get it out right away, then that would be great. But the longer you wait for it to come out, the longer you've been in there, and the more concerned you get at people wondering what you've been doing in there, and then the anxiety kicks in at full power, and you want to hide and pretend like you're not even there - there's no chance for you to either do your business *or* leave. And then you end up waiting, sometimes quite a long time, until you have the privacy necessary to settle your affair.

I find that general situation is a problem with a lot of things - the idea of waiting until the moment's ripe, but the longer you wait, the more awkward it would be to act, and since you weren't prepared to act in the first place, you can't do it now, and then time just goes on and on and it gets worse and worse until you completely avoid what needs to be done. Like answering emails. Sometimes I'll get an email, and I'll be concerned about what to say and how it will be received, so I wait and think about it. And then the longer I postpone sending the reply, the more awkward it would be to send the reply that late. Arg. It happens with all kinds of things. Like telling someone about something. Like telling my dad about Burning Man, that's probably gonna turn out the same way. I'm afraid to tell him about it because I don't know what his reaction will be, and I'm afraid it will be less than 100% positive, which scares me - and even if it's like 90% positive, I'm still too scared about that 10%. So I wait for a good time to drop the issue, and it never comes, and the closer the event gets, the more worried I get about the added stress of mentioning it when it's so close, and the possible flak I'd get for not mentioning it earlier...and it's a vicious cycle of fear and anxiety and avoidance and it just doesn't have a positive outcome. So the best solution - and I can tell myself this, but it doesn't always mean that I can accomplish it - is to take care of these things right away. Cause none of the flak or negative reaction or any of that really matters - if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen - and the important thing is to get the deed done. The only purpose the fear serves is to prevent the deed from getting done, and once it's done, the fear is pointless. So the best way to get rid of the fear is to just do it. Don't think and don't worry; just do. But obviously that's easier said than done. If I didn't have a problem just doing it in the first place, then I wouldn't have a problem.

In the book, the author talks about what it takes for different people to overcome their struggles. For some people, all the information in the book won't be enough, and for others, just a single point of knowledge is enough to change their whole perspective. Well, after having read that, I'm surprised that I myself have been rather blown away by one minor little detail, that has changed my perspective at least a little bit. It's probably not everything, but it could at least be something. Anyhow, the detail was as follows. Having social anxiety means being overly sensitive to one's reception by other people. You get nervous over the smallest, unimportant details, thinking that the tiniest thing will cause a person to dislike you - and that's the worst possible outcome imaginable. But if you look at the coin from the other side, you see that this sensitivity to people's reactions can be considered a positive trait. You're nervous because you *want* to please people. So why is that a bad thing? Well, it's obviously a problem, but that's because you're making it out to be a problem. But it can also be an advantage, if you look at it from a positive perspective. If I'm nervous about meeting someone for the first time, I can let my anxiety at being accepted cripple me, or I can let my knowledge that I'm only nervous because I want to be accepted allow me to make a conscious effort at being accepted. And instead of using all that energy to monitor my own actions, and to worry about how other people might perceive them, I can use that energy to determine other people's moods, and then react to them to try and make other people feel more comfortable. I almost feel like it's a superpower, which can easily become a burden dragging me down, but if I learn how to use it properly, it could become an invaluable asset allowing me to help people, as well as myself. I think that's an amazing epiphany, and while I still have a long way to go in changing my life, I think it's an important step. Even just the idea, that the book encourages, that being shy is not something to be ashamed of, is empowering. I've alway been afraid to admit to people that I'm shy, despite it being obvious, because I've always looked at it as something to be ashamed of, something that people would naturally tease you about. But it's not necessarily a bad thing. It can be just as much a good thing. It's just an aspect of my personality, of who I am, and it's only as positive or negative as I allow myself to make it. Mindless positive encouragement has never impressed me, but show me facts and reasoning that support a more positive outlook, and well, it just might work...

On Sunday, the fam went out to eat in celebration of my dad's birthday. We went to a fancy Chinese restaurant nearby. The reasoning, as I understand it, is that my dad hasn't had a good plate of General Tso's Chicken in quite a while. He, and the rest of us, I think, were pleased with our meal. I hadn't had Chinese since college, I don't think. And it inevitably reminds me of college. Ordering Chinese with my friends on the hall. Ah, good times. I had my usual - Kung Pao Chicken. It's got a kick, but it's never been too spicy for me to handle (I'd say I'm a middle-weight on the scale of spice-lovers - if light-weights can't handle spice, and heavy-weights love the extremes). The only downside to Kung Pao is that it's one of the dishes with the higher veggie content. But I guess forcing myself to eat the veggies, which aren't too bad, is good for me, and it's worth it to get to the chicken. I also had some delicious wonton soup, and even more delicious pot stickers. A good Chinese meal like that has got to go up near the top of my list of best meals ever. I wish I could find a 24 hour Chinese buffet somewhere in the area. I'm a little disappointed they didn't provide chopsticks (though nobody asked), though it seemed like they might have been a bit too fancy for chopsticks (if that makes any sense). If it wasn't easier to just grab a fork out of the kitchen drawer, I'd definitely want to eat with chopsticks more often in general, no matter what kind of meals. Chopsticks are cool.

I read an article a while back about the changing music industry, and how albums are mixed differently today than they were decades ago - particularly, that they have less dynamic range and are louder overall (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loudness_war). It's something I noticed when I got Silvertide's album Show & Tell years ago - it's mixed much louder than the average CD I have (considering that my collection consists mostly of albums from the 60's and 70's - although I've heard that some newer remasters or greatest hits collections are also victims of this 'louder is better' policy). But especially now, listening to most of my collection on a shuffled playlist, the difference between the modern and classic albums is striking. Earlier, I had to turn the volume up a bit to hear Jefferson Airplane's Comin' Back To Me - a mellow, acoustic piece - and then after the song, a track from the Stones new album A Bigger Bang came on and it was freaking loud! All the other modern albums I have are loud, too - including Aerosmith's Honkin' On Bobo, Johnny Winter's I'm A Bluesman, and American Minor, in addition to the ones listed above. It wouldn't bother me so much if the volume level was consistent, but the sudden switch from quiet to loud can be rather jarring at times.

My friend linked me to The RPM Challenge (http://www.rpmchallenge.com/) the other day. I hadn't heard of it, but apparently it's a general challenge to musicians to record an album during the shortest month of the year (February). It just so happens that February starts in a few days. I think this would be a positive experience, considering how much I avoid recording. It should be a nice kick in the pants, to force me to produce *something*, in the form of a final version. The idea is for everything to be recorded in February, although whether or not you *write* the songs in February is up to you. That having been said, I think it's truer to the challenge if you write the stuff, or at least develop most of it, within the month. So I've been partly thinking about what I'd like to do for my album, and partly avoiding thinking about it before February. Heh. But I think I wanna do a post-rock type thing. One long track that goes for 35-45 minutes, or however long it turns out to be. I want it to be a little more structured than the improvisation I do every other week at the Open Stage, because that would kind of be cheating for the challenge. So - and this is still a preliminary possible idea - I'm thinking about improvising for at least 35-45 minutes every night once February starts up, then after a little while, starting to work out specific sections. Ultimately, it's not gonna be transcribed note for note or anything, but I wanna have a clear idea of which parts go where, and what they'll sound like in general. And then we'll see what kind of things I come up with to make it interesting along the way. As much as I like the *idea* of studio wizardry, and using multiple tracks for different instrument parts, I think ultimately I'm gonna default toward just recording a single guitar, and just getting whatever I can play, like a live-in-the-studio kind of deal. I may or may not decide to add some words. We'll see, I might even change my mind about the whole thing, but so far, that's my idea, and the closer February gets, the more of a hassle changing my mind will become - though ultimately, whatever I come up with throughout the month, I imagine will be fair game. So it should be interesting, I think, and encouraging for me.

And that brings up another issue I wanted to mention. The fact that, the most important step toward accomplishing something, is committing to it. Because if you're not committed to it, then every little doubt you have becomes a potential reason to quit and back out. But if you've already committed, then your first instinct is to overcome those doubts and problems and barriers, rather than abandoning the project. And an insecure person such as myself will probably (I'm hoping) be surprised and impressed with how much he is capable of. So, I think, in order to accomplish amazing things, I have to commit to them first, or else they'll never get done. Like Burning Man. There are so many if's involved, that if I wasn't committed, I'd spend all my time worrying about it and not preparing myself for it. But having bought my tickets and committed to it, I don't care how much trouble or effort it is, I'm gonna do everything in my power to make it happen. It's like, getting into the mindframe that it's already been determined that it's gonna happen, and the only thing you can do is prepare for it. Whereas, if you weren't committed, then you can still fall back on the possibility of it not happening. And that becomes a crutch. And then it never happens. I think that maybe this could be good advice for other people, too. The most important step toward accomplishing something is committing yourself to it. Just don't be stupid, and make sure it's something you want to accomplish in the first place. And if it is, then once you commit to it, you'll be surprised at your ability to make it happen.

You know, I often think I won't have enough to say about something to make a good blog entry out of it, then when I finally get around to sitting down and writing stuff out, it turns out I have more than enough...

Journal 005

The other day, I bought a new CD tower with the remaining balance on my Best Buy gift cards (it cost a little over a hundred bucks). It's actually two pieces that can be combined, one on top of the other, but I'm using them separately, since the combined tower would be too tall to stand against the wall in my room, because of the way the ceiling slopes (my bedroom was converted from an attic). I've had my CD's sitting on the floor of my room for months now in anticipation of getting new storage space, because I got sick of the old CD towers I have which have an individual slot for each disc. The downside to that kind of a system is that 1) you can't fit double albums that come in the thicker case, and 2) everytime you get a new CD, if you want them to be in order (something that is immensely important to me), you have to move every single CD slot by slot, which drives me insane.

I was looking at towers at Best Buy, and I ended up getting a little cut on my finger, on the cardboard edge of one of the heavy boxes. That was a pain (literally), but as I looked at it, I was relieved that, though it looked fairly deep, it didn't bleed - which would have been something of an inconvenience in the middle of the store.

Back home, building the towers was kind of fun. It's nice that all the equipment was designed such that I didn't need any extra tools like a screwdriver or hammer or anything like that to put the thing together. That was convenient. As with most of these things, there were different options for how to space the shelves, in order to accommodate either CD's or DVD's (or even VHS'es). I knew I had enough CD's to fill more than one but not all of both of the structures, so the first one I made purely for CD's. The majority of my classic rock and blues collection is now housed there - just about 300 albums I'd say.

For the other structure, I figured I might as well create some room for DVD's, since I could use it. So I did two shelves of CD's and two shelves of DVD's. I put my new(er) music albums on there, as well as some miscellaneous stuff like some soundtracks and things I've hung onto, as well as my collection of Playstation games. I put my stack of PS2 games on one of the DVD shelves, along with all of my anime DVD's, and a few DVD boxes, like the Millenium series and the Seinfeld seasons I have. That freed up a little room for my main DVD collection which is mostly housed on one of my old wooden towers, as well as stacked fairly high beside that tower. Though now that extra stack is about half as high, with some of the DVD's being moved to the new structure.

I also have two old towers designed for holding VHS (and only VHS). One of them's been empty for awhile, so it's pretty useless. It actually fell apart while I was handling it, so it's going to the trash once and for all. The other VHS tower contains pretty much the cream of my VHS collection. I don't really have a need to keep them on display, and it's not like I often use them, but I don't really have anywhere else to put them for the time being, so I'm just gonna leave them as is for now. I also have a full dresser whose drawers are stuffed with VHS fansubs, mostly. Ah, the good old days. I should put those in boxes or something. But I dunno, I want more open shelves to put all my books and manga on, instead of stuffing them in stacks in drawers and closets. I wish I had more shelfspace. My figures (models, figurines) take up a lot of space on those shelves in the closet, but where else could I really put them? They need their shelfspace as much as anything.

Maybe you've noticed I put a premium on organization and putting things in their place. Getting those CD's off the floor has really opened up the room, and I managed to move some other stuff around - like, I made some space on my desk, which has been over-cluttered for a long time now. It seems like there's always more stuff coming in, and you gotta get rid of old stuff every now and then to make room for it. It's a never-ending battle. It doesn't bother me, I even enjoy it to an extent, but what bugs me is when I have something that I don't really use, but I can't stand to get rid of it, either. I need like a warehouse or something to put stuff like that, so I can get it out of my way, but if I decide I need it anytime in the future, I can still access it. I definitely have packrat tendencies, though it feels good to purge old baggage every now and then.

Today (the 17th) was my birthday. I really don't like to make a fuss about it, though. I don't want to imposition people with having to buy gifts for me or anything like that. It's nice to have an excuse to celebrate life, and getting a little leeway for a day is nice, but on the other side of that, I don't like being treated with too much extra attention. Like when you go out to a restaurant and the waiters get together and sing to you when they bring out the dessert? God, how embarrassing is that? Luckily I have a family that (mostly) agrees with me on that.

The first thing I did to celebrate, just before the day began at midnight, was to put on my birthday suit. Though I've been wearing it quite a lot, lately, so it wasn't entirely special - but it was still nice, as always. I think that of any day of the year, you should be allowed to wear your birthday suit on your birthday. Can't society have a little leniency on that, at least? Although having a birthday during the cold months of the year makes it almost moot. Still, my brother came in with a gift, so I can at least say that I opened a gift while wearing my birthday suit.

A little after that, we went out to Eat N' Park (I had to take off my suit, of course), since my brother's apparently regained his appetite. According to a sticker on the doors, they're only open 24 hours on the weekend now, and only open til 3am during the week. If it's really true, it really sucks. But at least there are other Eat N' Park's around that are open 24 hours, as well as a few other choices. I had my usual large hot chocolate, but it wasn't as good as usual - not chocolate enough. Then I went for my two cheeses - fried, and grilled. I think they should have a Three Meal Combo where you can order a breakfast dish, a lunch dish, and a dinner dish together in one meal. Then I could complete my cheese trio with an omelette.

After sleeping off the day as usual, I got up relatively early (by about an hour) to go out to dinner with the fam (which, in this case, includes my dad and my brother (my other brother is away on work this week - it's his busy season) - we're planning on having a slightly larger eat-out on the weekend). I made sure I had enough time after my shower to shave. The last time I shaved was August. I probably wouldn't have even bothered, except I couldn't deal with the moustache anymore. It was getting too long - and getting to be a nuisance, so it had to go. I've been meaning to do it for awhile, but you know, I always get up at the last minute, and I've never had the extra minutes to spare before dinner. I left the beard, which I haven't shaved in even longer, since I kind of like it, and it's not like it gets in my way or anything. Otherwise, though, I think I like being clean-shaven. It's not worth the trouble of shaving every day, or even every week - unless I had somebody to shave it for. But I guess that's a catch-22 - you gotta shave to get girls, but you need girls to have the motivation to shave. Eh. I wish I was like the Rolling Stones - sleeping with a different teenage girl every night. Not that I'd necessarily do that, but at least I'd have the opportunity, and I could pick and choose my moments. Sigh.

So we went to one of my favorite restaurants in the world - Uno's - to celebrate Chicago-style, with deep dish pizza and electric blues (though the music playing at the restaurant wasn't all blues, and it was a little hard to hear from the table - still, it made for a pleasant atmosphere that appeals to my tastes (not even mentioning the pizza)). We, as a family, started going to Uno's on our annual family summer vacation at Deep Creek Lake during my childhood. Uno's has a location right there on the lake, and is combined with the groovy Honi Honi Bar. Not that I've ever been interested in the bar scene, just that with our parents and their friends, it was not unusual to hang out at bars - outdoor bars with decks overlooking the lake, and arcades for kids, and snacks like nachos and fries and stuff. Thinking about it now, aaah, those were the days.

Well, it's nice that there's an Uno's within relative distance of our home. Not that we go there often. But we went today, on my initiative. I had my usual - the deep dish Chicago Classic, which includes generous portions of tomato and sausage. Although the Prima Pepperoni is also an admirable choice. I've been sickly full all night since eating there, but now that I'm talking about it and reminiscing, I seem to be working up an appetite for my leftovers (even though there still isn't much room in my belly). Generally, I actually prefer flat pizzas, because then there's more focus on the flavors than the filling - but Uno's deep dish is heavenly. And their crust is magnificent, too. Delicious.

Check out that image of Uno's original location on the corner of Wabash Ave & Ohio St, Chicago - courtesy of Google Maps. Chicago is an awesome city. I've never actually been there, and my suspicions are that it's a little colder than my ideal clime, but the fact is, it's well known for two of my favorite things in the world - pizza, and the blues. That's a damn good starting point for trying to impress me.

Journal 002

I'm cookin' up what I hope will be an interesting entry on Hippie idealism and the counterculture of the swingin' sixties - and specifically how it relates to my own beliefs and ideas. But it won't be finished today, and I don't want this blog to fall into disrepair, so here's another journal-type entry.

I got up today like everyday, just before 5pm. I recall being extra tired, considering that I think I stayed up till at least 10 the morning before. Listen, I thought I fixed up my sleep schedule after Christmas, but it's still a bit out of whack. So I forced myself out of bed and went in to take a shower. I got dressed and had dinner. Considering that it's Sunday, and my dad usually eats in the living room in front of the big TV on the weekends, and both my brothers had finished eating by the time I got downstairs, I had the pleasure of eating alone. And I'm not being sarcastic. Although I would never force anybody out, I have no problem eating alone - I have no problem being alone in general - in fact I enjoy it, and I don't think that's a surprise.

I have a Pepsi with my dinner every single day. It's also usually the only Pepsi I have, except for special occasions. So I guess I'm on a Pepsi-a-day schedule. I don't really think I'm addicted, though I certainly enjoy having my Pepsi. Sunday is usually order-out pizza day, but occasionally we get subs (and rarely, calzones) instead. Today was a sub day. It was tasty, but one problem I have is that this particular place doesn't seem to take much care in making and/or wrapping their subs - I'm saying it's pretty messy. And I don't really like messy foods. Just too much effort. But getting past that, at least the sub was good.

After dinner, I was feeling pretty out of it. Moreso than usual. I didn't really feel like doing anything, and I was still tired, so I just said "fuck it" and went back to bed. I took my contacts out, got undressed, turned out the lights, crawled under those warm covers, and listened to my "Christmas Acquisitions" playlist playing over my radio while I drifted off to sleep. It felt great.

I got up a few hours later, probably around 9 or 10 pm. In these situations, where I end up taking a "nap" during the time I'd usually be awake, I can only sleep for a few hours before waking up fully. It feels good taking your time getting up, though, and not having to force yourself out of bed until you feel completely ready. God, I wish waking up was like that every day. More good news is that I ended up not getting dressed again for the rest of the day. I must have been formally dressed for less than an hour all day - that's pretty good, I'd say.

From there, I surfed the web a bit. I tried looking up details for loft apartments, to see what it might take to live in one. There appears to be a few in the area, but it's looking like they're in the price range of $1,000, and I assume that's a monthly rate. Not gonna be a possibility until I get some kind of serious job. Although that's not much of a surprise, it's still disappointing. I think about how awesome it would be to live in a loft apartment. I looked at some of them, and this one development seems like it was artificially built to be in the "loft" style, with high ceilings and brick walls and all of that, but it had a very fake feel to it, unlike an actual warehouse converted into an apartment. I'd like to have one that has an upper level.

Anyhow, around midnight-ish, after the house was mostly quiet, I had some more food (finished my sub). Then I watched a cool Rolling Stones feature that was sitting around that I had bought my dad for Christmas. It was pretty interesting, as it was half an in-the-studio documentary of The Rolling Stones developing and recording Sympathy For The Devil - fascinating getting to hear the song form gradually from bits and pieces. And the other half was this somewhat enigmatic social document concerning black power. I get the feeling it was very much a period piece.

That ended at about 3am - peak hour for prowling the streets. I figure 3am is late enough that most people staying up have gone to bed, and early enough that most early-risers have yet to get up - 2am is still a little early, and 4am is a bit late. I had noted earlier at how unseasonably warm the temperature was today - we're talking 45-50 degrees (Fahrenheit), at night. Furthermore, the birthday present I bought myself (a beautiful hooded ritual cloak) had just arrived, so this was the perfect opportunity to try it out. The ground was damp, but the skies were dry, so I put on sandals and didn't have to worry about being rained on. There was a little bit of wind, but it wasn't terribly cold - all in all it felt very rejuvenating - like the spring air. I put on the cloak (and only the cloak), and headed out for a walk.

The great thing about this cloak is that I can either let it flow behind me, or I can hold it tight around me to cover up. Plus, there's a hood, so I can go totally incognito if I want. Although, I'm a little concerned about looking *too* suspicious. A hooded figure in a dark cloak roaming the streets at night? I dunno, the point is I'm trying to avoid attention, not attract it. But I didn't use the hood at all tonight anyway.

I headed out, aimlessly wandering the neighborhood streets, trying to go for the darker stretches. I ended up reaching the main thoroughfare, and actually walked along it for a block. A couple cars passed me, from either direction, but I had myself wrapped up tight, so I didn't feel particularly concerned about attracting attention. Luckily, I didn't cross any cars on the smaller streets, 'cause that would have caused me a little more alarm. There was this one dark section on the way back, where the wind picked up, and I let the cloak flutter behind me, and it felt great. I considered taking one particular path that would have allowed me much longer stretches of darkness, and away from houses which always make me paranoid that maybe someone is up and sitting in the dark for some reason, but I decided against it for two reasons. First, it turned out to be a little longer than I felt like walking tonight (maybe if it was a little warmer), and second, I remember at the end of that stretch there's a spot where I've noticed driving past that a cop loves to sit there late at night and watch for anything out of the ordinary. So I decided to avoid that path.

I made it back home without event, feeling good from the exercise and the adventure, noticing that I had been walking for a good hour. But it was time to go in and get warmed up. I spent some time finishing up porting my Quick Riffs webpage from my old website to my current one. Then, I had another snack before it got too late (at which point people start waking up). I made some Van Houten cocoa to warm my insides. I have to say, with each try I'm getting better and better at choosing the right portions of cocoa and sugar to make a tasty drink. There also seems to be more cocoa in that little can than it looks like. Although, I did put in quite a bit this time, and it was pretty rich.

That about closes it up. I should be heading to bed soon, although looking at the time, it looks like I won't be back on schedule just yet. Aw well. I still gotta set up this week's theme on Zharth's Music Log. I think I'll relate it to the hippie entry I'm working on. Stay tuned for that.

Xmas

Despite my alternative beliefs, my family is still very much Christian, so I still celebrate Christmas. It's usually a pretty good time, since we have a decent sized family, and we're all very friendly to one another. I've known people who've had families that tend to have some animosity between certain members, sometimes with different camps and things. But my group is all decent people. Of course, my family is sort of split in half, ever since my parents divorced. The two sides, though harboring little specific anger for each other, generally stay separate. It's not like they'd actually fight or anything, but because of what's happened, it just sort of seems appropriate to mark your position and defend your territory. I dunno. They don't really ever mix, so it's not much of an issue.

For me, the worst part about the Christmas celebrations is having to get up in the morning, when I'm used to going to bed in the morning. And it's not like I can just stay up through the morning and then sleep the rest of the day. After presents, my immediate family has our traditional Christmas morning breakfeast, featuring a delicious egg casserole, with various sides like danish and cinnamon rolls. After that, we all head over to my gramma's house to get some more presents. Then, in recent years, my two brothers and I have made a habit of visiting my mom's side of the family (usually just a handful of people hanging out at my grandad's place - my aunts live out of state and my uncle often seems to have an excuse for not making it on time). We chill for awhile, then come home just before guests from my dad's side of the family start arriving at our house for the evening, for the traditional Christmas dinner - which consists of a homemade sandwich bar with freshly baked and sliced ham and turkey.

I knew that if I didn't do something about my sleep schedule, I'd end up staying awake over Christmas Eve night, being exhausted during Christmas morning, and just being completely miserable for the rest of the day. So the day before Christmas Eve, I tried only sleeping for a few hours. Getting home from the Christmas Eve party at my gramma's house shortly before midnight, I anticipated being tired enough to get some sleep before the big day. Well, I got to sleep, but I only slept a handful of hours before my body woke up completely. Sometimes this happens - when I'm really tired and end up falling asleep in the small hours of the morning, I'll sleep at most a couple hours, and then wake up fully, with no chance of sleeping any longer than that. Despite how tired I was, and how little sleep I got the day before, that thing happened and I only got a few hours of sleep before Christmas. So I was pretty tired during the day's celebrations, but I managed through it.

I was planning on seeing a movie that night after the big dinner, but by the time the guests left, I was so tired, I had trouble keeping myself awake. So I crawled into bed and just crashed. Of course, instead of sleeping a good long time to rest my body and mind, I ended up waking up sometime in the small hours of the morning. It was like my body was completely rejecting the idea of sleeping during the night or something. Anyhow, I got enough rest to stay up until almost noon that day, but before it got any later than that, I resolved to get a few hours of sleep before the time I'd usually wake up. Trying to force myself back into my old routine, I made a point of getting up at the usual time, around 5pm, after getting only a few more hours of sleep. This is still the day after Christmas. So now, being late into the night of the day after Christmas, I'm pretty tired, but I'm making an effort to stay up until the usual time I'd go to sleep, hoping that I can get a decent rest and push myself back into the usual schedule. Hopefully my wits will be about me better tomorrow.

So for Christmas, my spoils mainly include rock and blues CD's that I asked for, DVD's of various movies, some books (and manga), and a bunch of other medium and little things to make it interesting. I didn't ask for anything major this year, as I didn't have anything particularly in mind except stuff I'd rather take care of myself. For example, I'm planning on buying some kind of ritual cloak - officially, I'm considering it a birthday present to myself (my birthday's in January). I've been looking forward to it ever since I decided I'd get one, over a month ago.

It's exciting (even though it's not a whole lot different from what I do every day) to have stacks of new movies to watch and music to listen to. When I have these kinds of distractions though, it makes it a lot harder for me to make any kind of progress on my artistic endeavors - like writing my stories or recording my music. I have enough crap available to me to keep me busy until next Christmas, I'm sure. But that's not really the problem. I mean, on the one hand, it bugs me that there's always more stuff to do - more books to read, more series to watch, more games to play - but the important thing is that I need to take some time to do the things that are really important (e.g., the stories and music I mentioned).

But I have an avoidant reaction to things like that that need to be done. The more it needs to be done, the less I want to do it. And for something artistic like these things are, I just don't feel like it can work if I'm not in the right mood, if my creativity isn't being facilitated by the conditions in and around me, if it feels more like a burden than a gift. And that bugs me. I don't want it to feel like that, and I don't want to force myself to do something when it feels like that. But it needs to get done. So I'm kind of at a loss. Just thinking about it doesn't make me go "oh yeah, I can't wait to try this and that and get that finished." Instead, I think, "ugh, it's such an effort to go and set up all that equipment, and then make sure the levels are right, and then see how it records and how well I can play it, and blah, blah blah, blah blah." So I put in a DVD instead.

Something's gotta give.