The bottom line is, I'm afraid to enter unfamiliar situations alone. That's why though I want to leave this house and find a place for myself outside in the world, I'm absolutely terrified to do so. What am I so afraid of? I don't have any confidence in my ability to depend on myself. I fear not being able to take care of myself, that I won't remember all the important things I need to do, or that I won't have the knowledge or the ability to do them. I'm afraid I'll end up lost and confused, with noone to turn to. Alone, and vulnerable.
And considering the way I am, these fears are not completely unfounded. Considering that I'm too nervous to call up a doctor and make an appointment, let alone go in for one; considering that I don't like going out and shopping for something because I'm afraid a salesperson will ask me what I'm looking for, and I'll feel uncomfortable interacting with a stranger... And I always feel bad walking out of a store empty-handed, partly because I feel bad not buying anything, and partly because I'm paranoid that they'll think I'm trying to shoplift.
And when it comes to bureaucracy, I'm clueless. I've gotten speeding tickets twice in my life. The first time wasn't too bad, beyond that depressing feeling of being 'punished' by our political 'parents', and that's because I was able to pay the ticket online. But the second time, the officer didn't write down a total charge, and so as far as I could tell, I had to go in and see somebody about it. It wasn't as bad as having to go to court, but even just having to find the building, get there during the day, and talk to the right people to get the matter settled, was a nightmare. It went perfectly smoothly, and I should be able to use that experience to bolster my morale, but instead, I severely dread ever having to do something like that again.
I don't want to have to depend on other people to guide me and show me the way and constantly tell me that I'm safe and everything will be alright, but that's exactly what I feel like I need. I hate this idea because it's so cliche, but I guess it makes some amount of sense - I'm like a child lost in an adult's world. I think back on the first day of the school year, throughout my childhood, especially when moving to a new school building, and that uncertainty about the environment, where things are located, who I'm gonna be surrounded by, what I'm expected to do... By the end of the year, and by the end of your tenure at a specific location, you get familiar with the area, and become comfortable. Think about your senior year of high school versus your freshman year, or your senior year of college versus your freshman year. You gradually come to master your environment, and the uncertainty gives way to comfort.
In that sense, the adult world is still very much unfamiliar to me, and uncomfortable. I can even imagine myself coming to master it, getting used to it, and seeing it as not such a threatening place - and sometimes I use that illusion when I'm forced out there, which may actually give other people the impression that I'm more in control than I really feel. But even so, everytime I'm faced with the reality or even just the thought of actually having to go out there, the uncertainty is right there. So I avoid it. Not going to school was never given to me as an option. I forced myself through it because I didn't even postulate the possibility of anything else. Being a child, and not being in control of my own decisions, there was no choice. But now, it's different. Despite all the pressure on me to get a job and to operate in society, I am in fact an adult now, and I am expected to be in control of my own decisions. Nobody is forcing me to work, and so the possibility of not working, and not being a significant part of society, even if unreasonable, exists, and it's the path of least resistance.
Psychiatrists, at least in the popular image, like to trace present problems back to past traumas. I remember when I was a young child, being separated from my mother for the first times - being dropped off at daycares, and preschool. I remember a feeling of absolute terror and despair. Being separated from everything that represented safety and comfort in my life, and being thrown into an unfamiliar situation with a bunch of strangers. Being lost and confused, feeling alone, and perhaps even abandoned. Although I may have gotten better at dealing with situations where I'm cut off from my lifelines - considering that it's rather hard to get through life without being exposed to those sorts of situations - that feeling of dread has never left me. I should be able to recognize that that daycare is not nearly as venomous as my fears make it out to be, and I can accept that on a logical basis, but deep down, my instinctive reaction is the same. I feel like if I go out into the world alone, something bad is going to happen; I won't be able to cope. My fear blows the entire situation out of proportion, and in the face of this drastic challenge, I turn and hide.
It's not rational.
"Adult child, don't hide, just run - go!"
Showing posts with label cops. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cops. Show all posts
06 March, 2008
07 January, 2008
Journal 002
I'm cookin' up what I hope will be an interesting entry on Hippie idealism and the counterculture of the swingin' sixties - and specifically how it relates to my own beliefs and ideas. But it won't be finished today, and I don't want this blog to fall into disrepair, so here's another journal-type entry.
I got up today like everyday, just before 5pm. I recall being extra tired, considering that I think I stayed up till at least 10 the morning before. Listen, I thought I fixed up my sleep schedule after Christmas, but it's still a bit out of whack. So I forced myself out of bed and went in to take a shower. I got dressed and had dinner. Considering that it's Sunday, and my dad usually eats in the living room in front of the big TV on the weekends, and both my brothers had finished eating by the time I got downstairs, I had the pleasure of eating alone. And I'm not being sarcastic. Although I would never force anybody out, I have no problem eating alone - I have no problem being alone in general - in fact I enjoy it, and I don't think that's a surprise.
I have a Pepsi with my dinner every single day. It's also usually the only Pepsi I have, except for special occasions. So I guess I'm on a Pepsi-a-day schedule. I don't really think I'm addicted, though I certainly enjoy having my Pepsi. Sunday is usually order-out pizza day, but occasionally we get subs (and rarely, calzones) instead. Today was a sub day. It was tasty, but one problem I have is that this particular place doesn't seem to take much care in making and/or wrapping their subs - I'm saying it's pretty messy. And I don't really like messy foods. Just too much effort. But getting past that, at least the sub was good.
After dinner, I was feeling pretty out of it. Moreso than usual. I didn't really feel like doing anything, and I was still tired, so I just said "fuck it" and went back to bed. I took my contacts out, got undressed, turned out the lights, crawled under those warm covers, and listened to my "Christmas Acquisitions" playlist playing over my radio while I drifted off to sleep. It felt great.
I got up a few hours later, probably around 9 or 10 pm. In these situations, where I end up taking a "nap" during the time I'd usually be awake, I can only sleep for a few hours before waking up fully. It feels good taking your time getting up, though, and not having to force yourself out of bed until you feel completely ready. God, I wish waking up was like that every day. More good news is that I ended up not getting dressed again for the rest of the day. I must have been formally dressed for less than an hour all day - that's pretty good, I'd say.
From there, I surfed the web a bit. I tried looking up details for loft apartments, to see what it might take to live in one. There appears to be a few in the area, but it's looking like they're in the price range of $1,000, and I assume that's a monthly rate. Not gonna be a possibility until I get some kind of serious job. Although that's not much of a surprise, it's still disappointing. I think about how awesome it would be to live in a loft apartment. I looked at some of them, and this one development seems like it was artificially built to be in the "loft" style, with high ceilings and brick walls and all of that, but it had a very fake feel to it, unlike an actual warehouse converted into an apartment. I'd like to have one that has an upper level.
Anyhow, around midnight-ish, after the house was mostly quiet, I had some more food (finished my sub). Then I watched a cool Rolling Stones feature that was sitting around that I had bought my dad for Christmas. It was pretty interesting, as it was half an in-the-studio documentary of The Rolling Stones developing and recording Sympathy For The Devil - fascinating getting to hear the song form gradually from bits and pieces. And the other half was this somewhat enigmatic social document concerning black power. I get the feeling it was very much a period piece.
That ended at about 3am - peak hour for prowling the streets. I figure 3am is late enough that most people staying up have gone to bed, and early enough that most early-risers have yet to get up - 2am is still a little early, and 4am is a bit late. I had noted earlier at how unseasonably warm the temperature was today - we're talking 45-50 degrees (Fahrenheit), at night. Furthermore, the birthday present I bought myself (a beautiful hooded ritual cloak) had just arrived, so this was the perfect opportunity to try it out. The ground was damp, but the skies were dry, so I put on sandals and didn't have to worry about being rained on. There was a little bit of wind, but it wasn't terribly cold - all in all it felt very rejuvenating - like the spring air. I put on the cloak (and only the cloak), and headed out for a walk.
The great thing about this cloak is that I can either let it flow behind me, or I can hold it tight around me to cover up. Plus, there's a hood, so I can go totally incognito if I want. Although, I'm a little concerned about looking *too* suspicious. A hooded figure in a dark cloak roaming the streets at night? I dunno, the point is I'm trying to avoid attention, not attract it. But I didn't use the hood at all tonight anyway.
I headed out, aimlessly wandering the neighborhood streets, trying to go for the darker stretches. I ended up reaching the main thoroughfare, and actually walked along it for a block. A couple cars passed me, from either direction, but I had myself wrapped up tight, so I didn't feel particularly concerned about attracting attention. Luckily, I didn't cross any cars on the smaller streets, 'cause that would have caused me a little more alarm. There was this one dark section on the way back, where the wind picked up, and I let the cloak flutter behind me, and it felt great. I considered taking one particular path that would have allowed me much longer stretches of darkness, and away from houses which always make me paranoid that maybe someone is up and sitting in the dark for some reason, but I decided against it for two reasons. First, it turned out to be a little longer than I felt like walking tonight (maybe if it was a little warmer), and second, I remember at the end of that stretch there's a spot where I've noticed driving past that a cop loves to sit there late at night and watch for anything out of the ordinary. So I decided to avoid that path.
I made it back home without event, feeling good from the exercise and the adventure, noticing that I had been walking for a good hour. But it was time to go in and get warmed up. I spent some time finishing up porting my Quick Riffs webpage from my old website to my current one. Then, I had another snack before it got too late (at which point people start waking up). I made some Van Houten cocoa to warm my insides. I have to say, with each try I'm getting better and better at choosing the right portions of cocoa and sugar to make a tasty drink. There also seems to be more cocoa in that little can than it looks like. Although, I did put in quite a bit this time, and it was pretty rich.
That about closes it up. I should be heading to bed soon, although looking at the time, it looks like I won't be back on schedule just yet. Aw well. I still gotta set up this week's theme on Zharth's Music Log. I think I'll relate it to the hippie entry I'm working on. Stay tuned for that.
I got up today like everyday, just before 5pm. I recall being extra tired, considering that I think I stayed up till at least 10 the morning before. Listen, I thought I fixed up my sleep schedule after Christmas, but it's still a bit out of whack. So I forced myself out of bed and went in to take a shower. I got dressed and had dinner. Considering that it's Sunday, and my dad usually eats in the living room in front of the big TV on the weekends, and both my brothers had finished eating by the time I got downstairs, I had the pleasure of eating alone. And I'm not being sarcastic. Although I would never force anybody out, I have no problem eating alone - I have no problem being alone in general - in fact I enjoy it, and I don't think that's a surprise.
I have a Pepsi with my dinner every single day. It's also usually the only Pepsi I have, except for special occasions. So I guess I'm on a Pepsi-a-day schedule. I don't really think I'm addicted, though I certainly enjoy having my Pepsi. Sunday is usually order-out pizza day, but occasionally we get subs (and rarely, calzones) instead. Today was a sub day. It was tasty, but one problem I have is that this particular place doesn't seem to take much care in making and/or wrapping their subs - I'm saying it's pretty messy. And I don't really like messy foods. Just too much effort. But getting past that, at least the sub was good.
After dinner, I was feeling pretty out of it. Moreso than usual. I didn't really feel like doing anything, and I was still tired, so I just said "fuck it" and went back to bed. I took my contacts out, got undressed, turned out the lights, crawled under those warm covers, and listened to my "Christmas Acquisitions" playlist playing over my radio while I drifted off to sleep. It felt great.
I got up a few hours later, probably around 9 or 10 pm. In these situations, where I end up taking a "nap" during the time I'd usually be awake, I can only sleep for a few hours before waking up fully. It feels good taking your time getting up, though, and not having to force yourself out of bed until you feel completely ready. God, I wish waking up was like that every day. More good news is that I ended up not getting dressed again for the rest of the day. I must have been formally dressed for less than an hour all day - that's pretty good, I'd say.
From there, I surfed the web a bit. I tried looking up details for loft apartments, to see what it might take to live in one. There appears to be a few in the area, but it's looking like they're in the price range of $1,000, and I assume that's a monthly rate. Not gonna be a possibility until I get some kind of serious job. Although that's not much of a surprise, it's still disappointing. I think about how awesome it would be to live in a loft apartment. I looked at some of them, and this one development seems like it was artificially built to be in the "loft" style, with high ceilings and brick walls and all of that, but it had a very fake feel to it, unlike an actual warehouse converted into an apartment. I'd like to have one that has an upper level.
Anyhow, around midnight-ish, after the house was mostly quiet, I had some more food (finished my sub). Then I watched a cool Rolling Stones feature that was sitting around that I had bought my dad for Christmas. It was pretty interesting, as it was half an in-the-studio documentary of The Rolling Stones developing and recording Sympathy For The Devil - fascinating getting to hear the song form gradually from bits and pieces. And the other half was this somewhat enigmatic social document concerning black power. I get the feeling it was very much a period piece.
That ended at about 3am - peak hour for prowling the streets. I figure 3am is late enough that most people staying up have gone to bed, and early enough that most early-risers have yet to get up - 2am is still a little early, and 4am is a bit late. I had noted earlier at how unseasonably warm the temperature was today - we're talking 45-50 degrees (Fahrenheit), at night. Furthermore, the birthday present I bought myself (a beautiful hooded ritual cloak) had just arrived, so this was the perfect opportunity to try it out. The ground was damp, but the skies were dry, so I put on sandals and didn't have to worry about being rained on. There was a little bit of wind, but it wasn't terribly cold - all in all it felt very rejuvenating - like the spring air. I put on the cloak (and only the cloak), and headed out for a walk.
The great thing about this cloak is that I can either let it flow behind me, or I can hold it tight around me to cover up. Plus, there's a hood, so I can go totally incognito if I want. Although, I'm a little concerned about looking *too* suspicious. A hooded figure in a dark cloak roaming the streets at night? I dunno, the point is I'm trying to avoid attention, not attract it. But I didn't use the hood at all tonight anyway.
I headed out, aimlessly wandering the neighborhood streets, trying to go for the darker stretches. I ended up reaching the main thoroughfare, and actually walked along it for a block. A couple cars passed me, from either direction, but I had myself wrapped up tight, so I didn't feel particularly concerned about attracting attention. Luckily, I didn't cross any cars on the smaller streets, 'cause that would have caused me a little more alarm. There was this one dark section on the way back, where the wind picked up, and I let the cloak flutter behind me, and it felt great. I considered taking one particular path that would have allowed me much longer stretches of darkness, and away from houses which always make me paranoid that maybe someone is up and sitting in the dark for some reason, but I decided against it for two reasons. First, it turned out to be a little longer than I felt like walking tonight (maybe if it was a little warmer), and second, I remember at the end of that stretch there's a spot where I've noticed driving past that a cop loves to sit there late at night and watch for anything out of the ordinary. So I decided to avoid that path.
I made it back home without event, feeling good from the exercise and the adventure, noticing that I had been walking for a good hour. But it was time to go in and get warmed up. I spent some time finishing up porting my Quick Riffs webpage from my old website to my current one. Then, I had another snack before it got too late (at which point people start waking up). I made some Van Houten cocoa to warm my insides. I have to say, with each try I'm getting better and better at choosing the right portions of cocoa and sugar to make a tasty drink. There also seems to be more cocoa in that little can than it looks like. Although, I did put in quite a bit this time, and it was pretty rich.
That about closes it up. I should be heading to bed soon, although looking at the time, it looks like I won't be back on schedule just yet. Aw well. I still gotta set up this week's theme on Zharth's Music Log. I think I'll relate it to the hippie entry I'm working on. Stay tuned for that.
03 January, 2008
Journal 001
Although I prefer the topical entries by principle, I figure I'm gonna have to start writing some generic journal entries if I want to keep this blog active. I love discussing weighty issues, but I can't wax philosophical every single day. My brain needs a rest sometimes, too. Anyhow, here's what I did today.
I got up, showered, and had dinner as usual, which places me at about a quarter to 7. Unlike most days, I had a reason to go out, and I didn't feel like putting it off. A couple days ago, I had raced out to the Circuit City over by Century III Mall to pick up a hard drive enclosure before the stores closed down for New Years. I ended up buying an enclosure that was incompatible with the drives I have, so I was left with the need to return it. Going to a store and returning an item is something I've never done before. I have to say, it wasn't so bad. But first things first.
I had a couple other errands to run, while I was out. First of all, was filling up the van (with gas). There's one particular Exxon station I always use, just because it's the first one I used and it's the only one I'm really familiar with. So instead of risking an unfamiliar environment and potential unfamiliar customs, I like to drive out there whenever I get gas. Unfortunately, the weather was blistery cold today (lousy Smarch weather!), so standing there in the cold while the van filled its twenty-some gallons of about $70 worth of gasoline was not a pleasant experience. But you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
While I was filling up, I saw a cop car drive into the station area. Not an unfamiliar sight, but seeing a cop car always puts me on edge. It positioned itself at an angle in the corner, just to the side of the entrance back out onto the road, obviously in prime position for a quick getaway (or chase). I was optimistic, but I didn't rule out the possibility that he was waiting to run after me for some reason, so I nervously exited the gas station after filling up, and kept my eyes on it as I made the turnabout and headed back in the general direction of home. The cop car actually did move after I had left, but I checked, and it didn't look like it was headed in my direction. No sweat.
Next order of business was stopping at the ATM on the way over toward the South Hills to deposit a very generous Christmas check that I probably don't deserve, but couldn't come at a better time. That was pretty uneventful, except that the envelope adhesive didn't stick very well, likely due in some part to the cold.
Then I headed on over toward Century III, which was a bit longer of a drive. Maybe about 15 minutes. Having gone out there once a few days ago, again a few weeks ago while Christmas shopping, and a few other times in previous years, I'm starting to get used to the way, and getting better at catching those easy-to-miss turnoffs. Tonight, I had Fleetwood Mac's Vaudeville Years Box Set (Disc 1) playing on the CD player in the car during the trip.
I got to Circuit City, and the line at customer service had only a few people, but they each took a long long time to get their business done. There was only one guy at the counter, and a bunch of guys elsewhere in the store (particularly at the Verizon Wireless 'island') were doing nothing, so one of the guys in line (right behind me) started making a fit about it taking so long. Somebody came along and dealt with him. I myself was okay with waiting. Some of these people, you wonder if they've had to wait for anything ever in their life? Like, do they always get what they want right when they want it? I dunno, but patience has always been one of my virtues, I think. Plus, while I was standing in line, Derek and the Dominos' version of Little Wing came on over the store speakers. It was quiet, but it was still fantastically awesome to hear that great song in a store.
Finally my turn came, and the return was harmless, and quite quick. I collected my cash and moved along. I also wanted to pick up some blank DVD-R's, since I had run out while backing up data recently after my old computer died, and space was running out on my newer drive, so I needed more media. I probably should have just got some at Circuit City, but after standing in line for so long, when I finally got my return taken care of, I felt like it was time for me to move on. Besides, my original plan was to get the DVD's at Best Buy because I have some Best Buy gift cards I got for Christmas - but I ended up forgetting to bring the gift cards... I still ended up getting the DVD's at Best Buy, though, back over in the South Hills (although not terribly out of the way, on the path to going back home).
I didn't dawdle atBest Buy, it was a business trip, not pleasure. I got my stuff and moved on. Besides, I was anxious to get home and finish putting all my data onto one drive. I think I've finally managed to complete that process. Although now my 110-some GB drive that was only half full a few days ago is now close to capacity. Ah, technology is expensive, though. And I don't have a job.
The rest of my day I spent watching two movies that other people in my family got for Christmas. But they were sitting on the table as if up for anyone to watch, and one of them had at least been recommended to me. And the other one was a movie that I had wanted to see, so I figured I'd take my chance and watch 'em both while they were sittin' there.
The first one was American History X. It was a pretty intense racial drama. Really interesting, depicting a family getting involved in the whole white supremacy scene, and the consequences of that. Very good, for what it is, I'd say. The black guy in jail that helps turn the main character to the good side was a pretty swell guy. Man, the rape scene in the shower was disturbing. And of course, the scene where the main character kills the two black guys trying to steal his car in cold blood, is very powerful. Good story.
The second movie was American Psycho. Very good. Not really a horror movie, although there are definitely elements of that, but kind of more of a social commentary. The emptiness of the corporate world, and the sheer insanity of living such an empty life, and the things a person might be driven to. Very well done. I have to admit, though it was inspired by a comment recently made on another blog, I totally couldn't help relating the main character in this movie to my one friend from college. There's an absurdity to the way the character gruesomely murders these people, and has orgiastic sex, while maintaining this very calm and well-adjusted mindset, going on and on about certain details of a well-groomed high-profile lifestyle, and the merits of popular music. Very bizarre, and it leaves some important questions in your head at the end when it leaves you.
And that's about the most of it. I was gonna (once again) try to get to bed a little bit earlier this morning to try and make up some of the sleep I've been needing to regain lately, but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen. Oh well. I might head out of the house again tomorrow, as I still have those Best Buy gift cards, and one of the things I had wanted to pick up, I completely forgot about. (That would be a splitter cable so I can have *both* my speaker inputs as well as my FM transmitter all running simultaneously from one source).
I got up, showered, and had dinner as usual, which places me at about a quarter to 7. Unlike most days, I had a reason to go out, and I didn't feel like putting it off. A couple days ago, I had raced out to the Circuit City over by Century III Mall to pick up a hard drive enclosure before the stores closed down for New Years. I ended up buying an enclosure that was incompatible with the drives I have, so I was left with the need to return it. Going to a store and returning an item is something I've never done before. I have to say, it wasn't so bad. But first things first.
I had a couple other errands to run, while I was out. First of all, was filling up the van (with gas). There's one particular Exxon station I always use, just because it's the first one I used and it's the only one I'm really familiar with. So instead of risking an unfamiliar environment and potential unfamiliar customs, I like to drive out there whenever I get gas. Unfortunately, the weather was blistery cold today (lousy Smarch weather!), so standing there in the cold while the van filled its twenty-some gallons of about $70 worth of gasoline was not a pleasant experience. But you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
While I was filling up, I saw a cop car drive into the station area. Not an unfamiliar sight, but seeing a cop car always puts me on edge. It positioned itself at an angle in the corner, just to the side of the entrance back out onto the road, obviously in prime position for a quick getaway (or chase). I was optimistic, but I didn't rule out the possibility that he was waiting to run after me for some reason, so I nervously exited the gas station after filling up, and kept my eyes on it as I made the turnabout and headed back in the general direction of home. The cop car actually did move after I had left, but I checked, and it didn't look like it was headed in my direction. No sweat.
Next order of business was stopping at the ATM on the way over toward the South Hills to deposit a very generous Christmas check that I probably don't deserve, but couldn't come at a better time. That was pretty uneventful, except that the envelope adhesive didn't stick very well, likely due in some part to the cold.
Then I headed on over toward Century III, which was a bit longer of a drive. Maybe about 15 minutes. Having gone out there once a few days ago, again a few weeks ago while Christmas shopping, and a few other times in previous years, I'm starting to get used to the way, and getting better at catching those easy-to-miss turnoffs. Tonight, I had Fleetwood Mac's Vaudeville Years Box Set (Disc 1) playing on the CD player in the car during the trip.
I got to Circuit City, and the line at customer service had only a few people, but they each took a long long time to get their business done. There was only one guy at the counter, and a bunch of guys elsewhere in the store (particularly at the Verizon Wireless 'island') were doing nothing, so one of the guys in line (right behind me) started making a fit about it taking so long. Somebody came along and dealt with him. I myself was okay with waiting. Some of these people, you wonder if they've had to wait for anything ever in their life? Like, do they always get what they want right when they want it? I dunno, but patience has always been one of my virtues, I think. Plus, while I was standing in line, Derek and the Dominos' version of Little Wing came on over the store speakers. It was quiet, but it was still fantastically awesome to hear that great song in a store.
Finally my turn came, and the return was harmless, and quite quick. I collected my cash and moved along. I also wanted to pick up some blank DVD-R's, since I had run out while backing up data recently after my old computer died, and space was running out on my newer drive, so I needed more media. I probably should have just got some at Circuit City, but after standing in line for so long, when I finally got my return taken care of, I felt like it was time for me to move on. Besides, my original plan was to get the DVD's at Best Buy because I have some Best Buy gift cards I got for Christmas - but I ended up forgetting to bring the gift cards... I still ended up getting the DVD's at Best Buy, though, back over in the South Hills (although not terribly out of the way, on the path to going back home).
I didn't dawdle atBest Buy, it was a business trip, not pleasure. I got my stuff and moved on. Besides, I was anxious to get home and finish putting all my data onto one drive. I think I've finally managed to complete that process. Although now my 110-some GB drive that was only half full a few days ago is now close to capacity. Ah, technology is expensive, though. And I don't have a job.
The rest of my day I spent watching two movies that other people in my family got for Christmas. But they were sitting on the table as if up for anyone to watch, and one of them had at least been recommended to me. And the other one was a movie that I had wanted to see, so I figured I'd take my chance and watch 'em both while they were sittin' there.
The first one was American History X. It was a pretty intense racial drama. Really interesting, depicting a family getting involved in the whole white supremacy scene, and the consequences of that. Very good, for what it is, I'd say. The black guy in jail that helps turn the main character to the good side was a pretty swell guy. Man, the rape scene in the shower was disturbing. And of course, the scene where the main character kills the two black guys trying to steal his car in cold blood, is very powerful. Good story.
The second movie was American Psycho. Very good. Not really a horror movie, although there are definitely elements of that, but kind of more of a social commentary. The emptiness of the corporate world, and the sheer insanity of living such an empty life, and the things a person might be driven to. Very well done. I have to admit, though it was inspired by a comment recently made on another blog, I totally couldn't help relating the main character in this movie to my one friend from college. There's an absurdity to the way the character gruesomely murders these people, and has orgiastic sex, while maintaining this very calm and well-adjusted mindset, going on and on about certain details of a well-groomed high-profile lifestyle, and the merits of popular music. Very bizarre, and it leaves some important questions in your head at the end when it leaves you.
And that's about the most of it. I was gonna (once again) try to get to bed a little bit earlier this morning to try and make up some of the sleep I've been needing to regain lately, but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen. Oh well. I might head out of the house again tomorrow, as I still have those Best Buy gift cards, and one of the things I had wanted to pick up, I completely forgot about. (That would be a splitter cable so I can have *both* my speaker inputs as well as my FM transmitter all running simultaneously from one source).
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