Journal 015

Okay, now for the stuff I /meant/ to talk about in my journal entry last night...

I've gotten into the habit of briefly opening the window in the bathroom when I go in to take my shower, after getting out of bed every evening. The reason is so that I can see the landscape, in the light of day, since on my schedule, I very rarely get to see the outside world in daylight. It's great just to be able to actually see the world, instead of just darkness, and in an instant I can tell what the temperature is and what the weather is like for that day. The past week or so it's been pretty snowy, but last night it was unexpectedly mild (on a relative scale, of course). When I looked out the window today, before my shower, all the snow had been completely melted away. God, I can't wait for spring. As much as I love the snow, I want warmer weather already.

Oh, another nice thing about looking out that window, is that, because it's pretty small, you always get the same viewpoint on the world every day, and it's facing west, and by the time I get up, the sun is usually not too far above the horizon (depending on the season, of course), SOOOOO, it's cool to notice how the sun's position on the horizon, and in relation to specific trees and houses in the foreground, changes over the year, moving north in the spring, and south in the fall. That kind of practical astronomical sort of thing fascinates me, which isn't surprising, considering my interest in nature-based pagan spirituality.

Last night I watched a video of a live concert for a Japanese pop group, AKB48, which consists of a bunch of cute Japanese girls, most of which (I believe) are aged in the teens. I'm not gonna bother with an anthropological discussion of modern pop trends in Japan, so if you want some kind of explanation or something, have fun. My friend, who currently lives in Japan, sent me the video, and he's the one who introduced me to the group. Back when we were in college, he introduced me to a similar group, Morning Musume, and we watched a bunch of their videos, and I know I was pretty hooked for a bit. The basic appeal is cute girls dancing around in sexy costumes while singing happy songs. More or less. And although I still prefer the aesthetic of 'white' girls, I've learned over time to appreciate Asian beauty.

The AKB48 video was pretty good. The costumes were impressive. For the first few songs, they had layered outfits, and after each song, they'd instantly peel off the outer layer to reveal a different outfit underneath. It's quite a shocking effect, and it's amazing that they can pull it off; having costumes under costumes, and managing to make them all look fantastic. Then, throughout the show, different sets of girls come in with all kinds of different elaborate costumes. The number with the girls in skeleton dresses was incredibly adorable. I was a little disappointed that they did the song "Skirt, Hirari" in shorts, since one of the major appeals of the song (for me, anyway) is the way they sort of flip their skirt throughout the song. Even without skirts, they were still pretty hot, so I think I can forgive them. I also enjoyed "Seifuku ga Jama wo Suru", which is an amazing song which basically translates to "My School Uniform's Getting In The Way", and involves the girls singing lines like "take off my uniform", "I want to be loved more freely", and such. Personally, it's just more attractive than when some American slut does the same. Different cultural backdrop and whatnot. I'm a sucker for seifuku, anyway.

I guess most fans who get into these Japanese pop groups have a favorite girl (or maybe more than one). I have to admit, ever since the first AKB48 video I watched, there was one girl in particular that stood out from the crowd. Doing some quick research, I find that her name is Kojima Haruna. There aren't a lot of people in my life, the way things are now, and that means there aren't a lot of girls, either. As pathetic as it may sound, I've learned to love two-dimensional animated characters. But unlike some point-of-no-return otaku freaks (and I use that term endearingly), I haven't forsaken my love for three-dimensional girls...yet. Honestly, I'm not too worried about that, but I do like to sympathize with people who get obsessed with fictional characters, because, although there are lines that shouldn't be crossed, there are also certain levels to which we should have no fear of going. In the past, I've argued the merits of having affection for fictional characters, and what bugs me is people who say that there's absolutely no reason to waste emotion on an imaginary person. As far as I'm concerned, the person who says that either has absolutely no imagination, or empathy, or could do with a little less real-world popularity and attention - since he's probably hogging it all, keeping people like us from getting the attention we need.

Well, speaking of pop idols, I was at Wal-Mart last night, and seriously, you can't turn around without finding yourself face-to-face with some kind of Hannah Montana merchandise. It's really getting out of hand. Damn mainstream American pop aesthetic. Give me a cute Japanese chick any day of the week. I've noticed recently that Wal-Mart has been shipping in tasty bakery-style Pepperoni rolls, and it's always a treat having one of those, although sometimes there's less pepperoni than I'd like. I at least looked for a replacement bulb for my reading/heat lamp, but I didn't see the right kind. I probably have to go to some hardware store or something for that, and I don't see that happening any time soon...

Hm, I just remembered that I completely fell behind on my music log last night, and that I still need to catch up. Time has run out, and I'm still not 100% sure of this week's theme. I'm trying to plan ahead for the upcoming holidays. Themes for Easter, and the Vernal Equinox, and eventually Beltane, and all that. Is anybody even keeping up with the ZML? I don't wanna pester people and forcefully remind them to take a look, because that's not the kind of person I am, but I get the feeling that most of the time I'm only doing this for myself. And although I'm more or less okay with that, for the time being, I was hoping that maybe there'd be /some/ kind of discussion about it. I know I took down the comment form, because nobody was using it, but I recently added a link to a discussion on my personal message board, which has been out of use for so long. I figured it was the perfect solution, and I can't believe I didn't think of it before I went to the trouble to program a comment form that ended up being unnecessary.

I know it's a lot to ask people to bear with my specific taste in music, but I've had experience as a DJ, and I'd just like to think that there are people out there that not only respect my services, but are interested /enough/ to at least get involved. I don't mind if somebody thinks a song sucks here or there. And besides, if there's something specific you'd like to hear, I've always been open to suggestions. Granted, I'm still in the captain's seat, but I like to take care of my listeners, when reasonable, and it'd be a good way for our musical tastes to interact, and we may both learn something at the end of the day.

All I'm trying to say is, playing music for people isn't a one way street. But I'll admit, I'm also afraid of the kind of exposure I'd like to have. I think that's a common thread in my life.

Bedside Manners (or Raging River of Thought)

I don't know if it qualifies as insomnia, but I often have trouble getting to sleep. This is one of the main factors contributing to my desire to increase the length of a day by a few hours - believing that staying up longer will make it easier to finally fall asleep when the time comes, without sacrificing sleeping hours. (The other major factor is my hatred of being forced to wake up prematurely). Alternatively, I suspect that if I did more throughout the day - particularly more physical activities - I might be tired enough by the end of the day that I'd be able to fall asleep easier. Well, however it may by alleviated, the problem as I see it is related to the raging beast that is my mind. When I shut off the lights and climb into bed, the distractions of the physical world melt away, and my mind is free to explore. It runs off into patterns of thought that keep me awake, rather than allowing me to drift off to sleep. And the longer I lay in bed trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep, the more frustrating it gets. Usually, it eventually happens, but every once in awhile, my mind just refuses to shut off. And what's particularly annoying, is when I get that feeling that I need to document what I'm thinking about - like when I get a great idea about something, and I want to write it down before I forget it. It's annoying because on the one hand, I want to stay in bed and try to fall asleep, but on the other hand, I feel this urge to get up and stay up and pursue the idea.

On a related note, I also do a lot of thinking in the shower. In this case, I know that I'll be out and back in my room within the hour, so if I have any great ideas, I can just remember to write them down after I get out - unlike when I'm lying in bed, and I'm afraid I'll fall asleep and then I won't remember at all what I was thinking about before I drifted off. Still, for some things, I put a lot of importance on the exact wording of things, and oftentimes, if I don't capture that precise wording, the idea won't have nearly the impressive appeal to me as it originally had. This is a problem when I'm thinking about a topic of discussion, and I find a great way to articulate my stance. I want to preserve those words I used to frame it that way, but I can't very well write something down while I'm in the shower, and it just wouldn't be feasible to hop out of the shower everytime I think of something new. Sometimes I go to painstaking efforts to memorize exact phrasings of things while I'm in the shower, so that I can write them down after I get out. This is actually a great way to exercise my memory skills (something I've always prided myself on), but it is a lot of effort (usually more than I'm willing to expend on most issues), and one potential trouble is that if I take the time to memorize the first couple of sentences, it might actually stunt my thought process in terms of coming up with the next few sentences. So then I come up against a pretty interesting conundrum. Do I focus on memorizing what I have, making sure not to lose it, or do I let myself follow the thought through, knowing that I might very well engage myself in an enlightening inner monologue that I'll never be able to duplicate?

Well, if it hasn't sunk in yet, I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep, and I started thinking about these very issues, and I felt it would make a good entry for my blog. At first I juggled the value of getting up and going with it against that of staying in bed and hoping I could remember enough in the morning. Guess which side I ultimately allied with? I think those first two paragraphs were pretty good though, so right now I'm gonna say it was worth it. Although, in addition to talking about my sometimes frustrating thought patterns, I thought I'd also mention a few things about my bedside manners.

One thing that I think might be a question on certain people's minds (as it's been asked of me at least once), is what the hell do I do with my hair when I go to sleep? Because I've heard at least one tale of a person with long hair who woke up choking with it wrapped around the throat, and subsequently ran off and got the hair cut. Although that person must not have valued their long hair much to get it cut off so easily, it does bring up a concern. I've only had significantly long hair for a few years (let's say, long enough that it could choke me), but in college, I ended up getting into the habit of pulling my hair up to the top of my head, after laying down in bed, and tying it off with a hair tie thingy, then letting the hair hang over the top of the bed. That way, I can toss and turn back and forth with minimal tangling and whatnot, and I don't have to constantly be concerned about where my hair is, since it pretty much stays in one place. I don't know what other people do with their long hair, if they braid it or what, but this system has worked fine for me so far. I actually wish I knew more about hair stuff, because girls can do so many cool things that guys just never learn. It's like a secret art.

I like a soft, but pretty flat pillow. Those super-fluffy pillows can be really luxurious, and nice to lay on, but I have a hard time sleeping on one, because the pillow fluffs up all around your head, and that makes it hard to breathe clearly. Speaking of pillows, I happen to have a rather large mattress, and while I love to spread my body out, my pillow stays on one half (actually more like 3/4's), with the remaining quarter (the side of the bed away from the wall) hosting a stack of two really fluffy pillows, creating a kind of pillow wall that obstructs my immediate view of the area just beside the bed and the rest of the room, while I'm lying down in place. Why is this? One simple reason. After I had my sleep paralysis episode a year or so ago, I became very paranoid about an evil presence kneeling down beside my bed to watch me (which is exactly what happened during the episode), so just like you throw the covers over your head to protect yourself from the monsters in the dark of your room, I put those pillows there so I wouldn't have to be staring out into the darkness beside the bed, wondering if something might be there. Wow, that sounds so childish, but damn, if you've experienced what I've experienced, you'd understand.

As for covers, I have a nice stack of a bunch of comforters, and I use a varying percentage of that stack throughout the year. In the coldest winter months (like right now), I use most of them, to keep warm, which I guess is about 4-6 layers (I had to take off two of the layers to block off the window...). In the summer, I only use 1 layer, and it's always the same layer on bottom, which just happens to be particularly comfortable for me. Speaking of being comfortable, there's nothing more comfortable than sleeping nude, and the only time I don't is when I can't. But even now, in the cold winter, there's nothing a layer of clothing can do that an extra blanket can't do - and the blanket doesn't restrict you as much, or create as much static friction. Even in college, during the times when I shared a room, I devised a system where I'd use the basket, that I tied to my bedside to sit my alarm clock on, as a place to keep my shorts after taking them off under the cover of the blankets, so that I could slip them on again in the morning before climbing out of bed. I don't remember exactly when or exactly why I started sleeping nude, but I do remember a period of adjusting myself to it. I'm sure I didn't have any specific ideas about nudism back then, but I must have recognized the comfort and simple joy of it at the time. And that's something that I haven't forgotten.

Sometimes, during the summer, it's so hot that even using the one blanket is too much. But for the longest time I've had an inborn aversion to sleeping without any covers. Maybe it's a natural thing - defense mechanism or something - but I've always felt vulnerable without being covered - particularly the feet. Whether it's monsters or the cold or just the space, I feel uneasy climbing into bed without having anything to cover me. On the other hand, when it's just too hot to be covered, I've learned to make compromises - mostly by covering myself as little as possible, balancing the feeling of being exposed with the feeling of being overheated. I like the image that I get in a lot of anime/manga series of Japanese people sleeping with a wide but rather short (perhaps folded over) blanket covering only their midsection. I wonder what the story behind that is, if that's a Japanese custom, if there's some reasoning behind it or something. I've tried it, and it's fun just because of the association I make with characters from anime, but it only works when I'm really hot, and even then I have to gradually unfold the blanket to cover myself up more as I cool down.

Boy, isn't this interesting? I think that's all of what I thought I'd mention. I did promise something about bedside manners, didn't I? Luckily, I haven't really been forced to share a bed with anyone I didn't want to, as a result of crowding or whatever (there was that one time I opted to sleep on the floor rather than share a bed with another guy, if you remember). I have had a little experience sharing a bed with a girl, however. There are all kinds of emotional benefits, waking up next to a girl you love and all, and the physical closeness, which is all pretty obvious. There have been times when I've been pushed out of bed though - inadvertently, but no less frustrating. Ah, I just remembered something else - positions! No, not sexual positions! I mean sleeping positions.

I've always been a side sleeper. I lay on my back to relax, but never to fall asleep. I don't specifically have a favored side, as far as I know, except that lately I've been falling asleep on a particular side - but I suspect that has to do with facing away from the light leaking in through the window. As far as sleeping on my stomach, it's the oddest thing. I had a friend/roommate in college that always slept on his stomach. And it kind of scares me, because there are certain connections I do not want to have with this person - and anything related to sleeping is one of them - but I've never slept on my stomach before, yet, after having lived with him for awhile, I started doing it. I honestly can't explain it. And it's a habit that I still haven't been able to completely shake off. I also have this particular pattern I place my arms in that usually gets me the most comfortable, and it's something that I also happened upon during college. It's like a criss-cross, where I'll have one arm directed upward, over the head of the bed, and the other directed outward, away from my face - but with the arms crossed. I dunno, this is weird stuff, and I'm suddenly starting to wonder if it's even all that interesting, and most importantly, if it was really worth getting out of bed for. Maybe now I'll be tired enough to fall asleep. Still won't make me feel any better when it's time to get up though...

Nocturnal Admissions

"Why do you keep this schedule anyway?"

"Mostly just to be alone."

On average, I go to bed each morning around 7-8am, local time. I get up around 5pm or so, usually after having the radio on for an hour to slowly transition into a state of awakening. That gives me an hour to shower and get dressed, although sometimes it takes closer to an hour and a half. Dinner is at 6pm sharp, every single day. Notice that I don't have "weekends" where I get to sleep in. Honestly, I think having a standard schedule is better overall, because you completely eliminate the whole morning-after-the-weekend where you didn't get any sleep the night before, and you're not constantly adjusting and re-adjusting your internal clock. As much as I'd love to be able to sleep in a couple days a week, I just don't think it's worth having to get up painfully early, even just once in the week.

The way sleep is for me, is that I tend to have a lot of sleep inertia. When I'm awake, I have a hard time falling asleep (usually because I can't shut my mind off), and when I'm asleep, I abhor having to wake up. Therefore, my ideal system would include long chunks of waking periods followed by long chunks of sleep, so that I'd only have to go to sleep when I'm way too exhausted to do anything else, and I'd only have to get up when my body is fully and completely rested. I've discovered that this system would require a cyclic period of longer than 24 hours. So to implement it, I would need a rolling schedule where I'd get up a little bit later each day. This is generally not easy to put into practice.

The only anchor in my life right now is that 6pm dinner. I figure that to stay in this house where I don't have to pay for utilities or food, it's only polite to at least join the table for dinner every day. It's a sacrifice that I'm willing to make. But because that is my only anchor, my schedule has come to revolve around it. Coming home after graduation, I was used to having to get up in the morning for classes. But without classes, it didn't take long for my schedule to shift later and later, until I was getting up just before dinner. And that's where I've kept it since. However, the fact that this results in a nocturnal schedule is extremely convenient for me.

What is the appeal of living nocturnally? I get the idea that the general feeling people have about a nocturnal schedule is that it is a dreadful way to live, where your days are consumed by darkness, and your interaction with people is minimized. Ha! To me, that sounds like a dream come true! Although it's different when my brother's around the house, since he's not a stranger to my kind of schedule himself, I typically have the house to myself between the hours of 11pm and 7am, approximately, when my dad and my other brother (the working man) are in bed. Even though I have my own room to myself, there's still a very different feeling in the house when I know my dad is downstairs watching TV or doing housework or something, or my brother is making a snack, or hanging out (awake) in his room in the basement, than there is when the house is quiet.

The idea of going downstairs, through the living room, and making myself some food in the kitchen, when my dad is sitting right there in the living room watching TV, makes me anxious. It's nothing personal at all - I honestly think my dad is one of the coolest guys I've ever known. Yet, there was a huge misunderstanding when I was younger, where my dad thought that I absolutely hated him. I didn't hate him, it's just that it bugged me to go about the house doing things when I knew there were other people about. It would have been the same with anyone else; he just happened to be the one around a lot during that period, and received the brunt of my frustration. The idea of somebody watching me or hearing me, even unintentionally, and the thought of them judging me and my actions, and the possibility that they might criticize me for something I am doing - like, 'you can't have a snack now, we'll be eating soon', or, 'that's not how you make a cup of tea, you have to put this in first'... it really is ridiculous, but those kind of thoughts tear away at me and make me want to crawl into a hole and hide - and I don't mean just when people actually say them, but simply imagining people saying them freaks me out. So I do tend to hole myself away and wait until the roost is empty before I make my move.

Every morning when I get up, around 5pm, there's a point at which I have to open my door and head to the bathroom to start my shower routine. Most of the time, at this part of the day, my dad is watching TV in the living room, which is just down the steps. Luckily it's not in view of my room, but the distance is not large, and it's hard to sneak by without making noise. Every faculty of reason in my body tells me that this is not a big deal, that I should have no problem with announcing to the house that I am up and awake and that I'm going to take a shower. And yet, every day, when I have to make that move to the bathroom, after having been officially out of people's consciousness during my sleeping period, I get anxious at the thought of making myself known in any way.

I like to listen through the crack of my door, and try to wait for a moment when he heads into the kitchen, so I can sneak past with a better chance of going unnoticed. But sometimes, that moment doesn't come, and it gets later and later, and I need to get started with my shower or I'll be uber-late for dinner. It's best when I just try not to think about it at all, and just force myself to open the door without thinking about it, before I give myself a chance to turn chicken. But I can't always do that. I have to know, I have to plan, I have to be in control of the situation, so that I don't run into an unfamiliar scenario where I'd have to improvise. That would be the worst thing. It's ridiculous.

So I like living in the night, where I can pretend I'm the last person left alive on the Earth (as long as I'm quiet), and I can just be me and do what I want without constantly dealing with issues of anxiety left and right, everytime I sense the presence of another person. This is not sane behaviour. But this is what's comfortable for me. It's also nice to be able to go to the couple 24 hour stores in the vicinity and not have to deal with crowds of people all sitting up in the aisles you want to shop in, and all that. Plus, even the streets are more empty, so you got less stress from aggressive drivers. In my mind, living nocturnally is a natural avoidant reaction to a fear of people. Of course, most people don't get that 'fear of people' part. I understand that. Now it's your turn to try and understand me.