Journal 022

Tekkoshocon is this weekend, and I'm excited, but I have no idea how I'm gonna pull it off. I could just go during the evening, but I really want to get more out of it than that, considering that I haven't been to a /local/ anime con in like 6 years (since before college!). I know it's still no Otakon, but since it's an actual anime convention, it should at least be a lot better than the old Comicon when they still had anime on the side. Furthermore, the con ends early on Sunday, and Friday happens to be an Open Stage this week - and missing the Open Stage is some kind of sin.

I want to go Friday during the day to scout it out, even though such a thing seems impossible. I could be back by dinner and in time to ready myself for the Open Stage (assuming I don't sleep Thursday night...). There's a Silent Hill panel Friday night at midnight, though (here's the schedule), so I'm thinking about going back after the Stage, if possible (might be tricky). As far as the rest of the programming goes, I don't know if there's anything I /have/ to see. The video rooms seem to have quite a variety of titles, most of which will not be playing for more than hour (so it looks like a bunch of tastes of this or that rather than marathon feasts), and I don't think there's anything I absolutely have to see. They've got AMV's running all the time, which should be interesting to check out. And of course, I look forward to browsing the dealer's room. I don't really have any cosplay to wear, but I look forward to seeing other people in costume, and I even heard a rumor that there might be a C.C. or two at the con.

In other news, the glasses place emailed me again, forcing me into the uncomfortable position of having to respond. But the good news is, I think I'll be getting the glasses after all. God, I hope they work out. (And I hope they arrive soon, too.)

I'm finally getting to the end of the third season of Millenium. There've been some really good episodes lately. I love any one where Peter Watts shows up to plant doubt and paranoia and misplaced sympathy. Same for Lucy Butler, but with planting hatred, suspense, and pure evil. There have even been a couple that feel almost X-Files-like, considering that this season has been putting a lot more emphasis on "conspiracy". Agent Hollis has done a great job of being Frank's partner. Considering how close I am to the end, I'm coming to terms with the fact that there's no way this series is gonna deal with all the things I'd love for it to deal with. I mean, ending with the third season? It didn't even reach the millenium! Maybe it's better to leave that plot point open-ended, but still... I don't want to look too much into the circumstances of Millenium's end yet, since I haven't seen it. But I guess all will be revealed, in /some/ form, soon enough.

My Daily Nudes project on flickr has been going pretty well so far. A couple days ago, I did a tribute to a news story I came across where a high school student was denied a prize for her artwork because it depicted [tasteful, discreet, and artistic] nudity. I have to say I'm happy with how well my tribute seems to have come out. The last couple days have been more nudist-oriented shots - normal-type activities done in the nude. Which may not be as artistic, but I like them, because they're like still life's or something, and they promote the cause of casual nudity.

In fact, today I had the /very/ rare opportunity of eating dinner in the nude. One of my brothers was at work, and the other was at a hockey game, and my dad was out of the house later than usual. So he had left a sandwich in the fridge and a note on the kitchen table for me. Coming out of the shower, I remarked at how quiet the house was, since I can usually hear the television(s) on downstairs, and people at dinner. But it was dead silent. So, without getting dressed, I snuck down the stairs all ninja-like, and since not a creature was stirring, I cautiously advanced to the kitchen. Reading the note, I knew I was in the clear. But I was still nervous, because there are a lot of windows around that area of the house (plus that fear of somebody random coming to the door - and seeing in), and I wasn't sure when somebody might come home - and there have been times in the past when I've been surprised that I didn't hear the garage door.

But I was able to enjoy a few bites freely, and made a point not to waste the opportunity to take some shots in the beautiful natural daylight, before getting way too paranoid and throwing something on just in case. It's always a matter of risk assessment in those situations, but had I not gotten so paranoid, I could have spent the entire day in the nude (instead, I only spent about 90% of it as such). Still, a great and rare experience. If only I was more free to just be myself...

Sigh...

On a related note, it was recently that I felt that switch, from the colder climate of winter, to the milder temperatures of spring. It may or may not have anything to do with the weather outside, since I haven't been outside that much lately, but I could definitely feel the difference in my room, when it starts feeling warm. Not hot, not yet, but warm. And you feel an ever stronger desire to take your clothes off to be comfortable.

I was thinking about what it might be like to be more open about my desire to be nude. Not meaning that I would force my nudity on other people, but that if I didn't have to hide from it, then I could be more comfortable about it and do it in my room even when there are other people around, even in the middle of the day. Think about it, I could be nude most of the time, and only have to put something on when I have to interact with others (which, at this stage, is a small percentage of my time). And I wouldn't have to worry about somebody coming in and finding out, because it wouldn't be a secret. And if they didn't like seeing me nude, regardless of who it is, then it's their prerogative to be more careful about disturbing me unannounced.

The issue with that is having to constantly dress and undress. A robe is very easy to put on and take off, but, perhaps ironically, I really hate wearing a robe around other people because it's so informal - it's the thing you wear when you climb out of bed, when you go to the bathroom to take a shower in the morning, when you're feeling sick and have no desire to get dressed - and it just has that dirty, negative connotation for me. If I have to be wearing clothes, I want to wear something that gives me confidence, something that I think looks good, something that people aren't gonna think looks too out of place. I'm liking the idea of button-down shirts more and more these days. They have a certain class, a certain formality, even a sexiness at times, and yet they're much more free-flowing than t-shirts, and they're easier to put on or take off (depending on how much - if any - effort you put into buttoning). I've been considering getting some (more) of those kind of shirts and wearing them more often.

But that still leaves the question of pants. Pajama pants are out of the question, since they have that same homely, vulnerable connotation that the robe suggests. I have a pair of old jeans that are a little tight, and they're pretty good for the job - considering that they boost my sexiness/confidence a great deal - except for the fact that they /are/ kind of tight, particularly in the spot that matters, and not the most comfortable thing for a nudist to wear.

I wish I had more confidence talking about these things. I hate my instincts that sabotage my life and serve as my unchallenged destructors. I don't feel comfortable with anything. My life is a failure, and I'm not suited to exist within society. The thing that bothers me the most is that nobody helped me when I was younger, to make sure that I grew up to be more well-adjusted. Maybe there was nothing they could do - maybe, but I know there are things they could have tried. I understand that it's not their fault, because the one thing I've always been good at is hiding my problems and reflecting attention away from me, but it's done me no good and why couldn't there have been someone to help me, to see through my illusions? There were a few who tried, but it wasn't enough. It's like Seta Sojiro's breakdown when he fights Kenshin. "You say you protect the weak, then why didn't you protect me then, when I needed it?"

I want to say these things, but I don't want to take responsibility for them. I can't stand admitting that I'm human. That I have human emotions, and I worry about human things. Because I'm so removed from regular human existence. I feel that by pretending I'm not human, I can save face, but the instant I accept that I'm human, it's like I'm accepting just how pathetic I am, to be the way I am. The only hope of getting better is to ride straight through the storm, but the storm is the last thing I want to face. It's hopeless.

Imagine, if I admit that I'm human, then that means I need the companionship of friends. So the fact of being all alone is that much harder to bear. If I acknowledge myself as a loner, fundamentally different from other people, then I accept that I'm alone, even if I don't like it. But there's a reason for it. It's not because I don't /have/ friends, but because I don't /need/ them. The truth is, I do need them, but I'm scared of them. And the second I admit that, I'm lost and hopeless and people start laughing at me and rejecting me. I'm sure that's not how it would really happen, but that's irrelevant, because that's the way it happens in my head.

But there's a problem. Every time I've tried to be friendly and social and, gasp, 'normal', I only manage to emphasize the ways in which I am different from the average person. I'm not like most people, and my interests don't quite match up with the averages. And furthermore, I don't really understand how to communicate with people. There's a barrier that I just can't cross, no matter how many times I try. And admitting that kind of a weakness makes me feel embarrassed - which, as far as I'm concerned, is a pain worse than death.

Journal 021

My journal-specific entries are old enough to drink now. Not that they will. Everytime I think about writing something, I argue, "what's the point?" It's not like anything has changed. And despite enjoying the rare chance to talk about myself, it does get boring after awhile. Especially with the mundane topics. And the more interesting stuff comes and goes on the whim of inspiration - rarely settling long enough for documentation.

I was just thinking that Chii, from Chobits, is the perfect woman (despite being more like a girl - go figure). She has the loyalty, obedience, and unconditional love of a[n ideal] pet; the multi-usefulness of a super-intelligent robot; and she's more attractive than real, human women (or girls). If I had a persocom like Chii in my life, I wouldn't hesitate for a second falling in love with her and rejecting a human mate. Taking care of her would give me a purpose in life, and as a caring and intelligent companion, I could take her around with me everywhere I go, which would boost my confidence immensely.

It's fitting that just when I started feeling like maybe I could turn my life around, the whole plan crashed and burned in a matter of days, due to a number of factors in and outside of my control. I'm thinking that the major step is the nocturnal/diurnal thing. Being up during the night is my way of avoiding people. "I am the Lord of Darkness; I require the solace of the shadows, and the dark of night." But being up during the day would force me to be around people, and force me out of my comfort zone. Which is exactly why I'm avoiding it. But it's not even that easy, as if that wasn't hard enough. Adjusting a sleep schedule like that is tough. I've been nocturnal for two years now, and there are only rewards (immediate, not long-term) to be had for staying nocturnal. Going diurnal, on the other hand, is a major struggle - physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I don't think those glasses are coming. I ordered them, and then I got an email requesting my PD, which I entered into my account/profile when I ordered the glasses. If they're too stupid to check the program that they created to get the information they need, then they don't deserve my business. Even if it means I have to continue being pathetically blind. Actually, I'm just not gonna go out of my way to tell these people something they already know.

I don't even know what the point of writing these things is if nobody reads them. There's a horror movie coming out called Ruins. I read an article about it in Fango months ago, and it looked interesting. Just interesting. But the trailer is exciting. I'm thinking about seeing it. I still have some Destinta bucks from Christmas. Considering that the last movie I went out to see was Cloverfield in January.

Tekkoshocon is just a week away. I'm excited. It should be fun. Although no comparison to an anime con like Otakon, but I think it should at least be better than the Comicon was, since now it's focused directly on anime, and not wasting its resources on comic crap. I don't mean to offend, but that just reminded me of a funny thing that happened at the Comicon last year, before I realized they had expunged the anime programming in favor of a separate con (why didn't anyone tell me?!). We were sitting at a table eating some con food, and I said something like, "comics are lame." And then I realized it probably wasn't the most appropriate place to be making a comment like that. I don't think anyone else heard it, though.

Who knows. It'd be nice if I had some anime friends, though. It'd be nice if I had any friends at all. At least it would be an excuse - one that I could honor - to get out of the house and do stuff. I'd love to have concert friends, too, but the people that go see the bands I like to see are either 20+ years older than me, or are heavy drinkers (or both).

As much as I'd like to have friends, I have no interest in making friends. People are way too much of a bother. I don't want people bugging me about stuff. But I want people to talk to about interesting things. It's so troublesome. I'm afraid to put myself in a position of weakness or unfamiliarity. I'm trapped, bound by my own chains. I want - no, I need somebody to help me, because the only thing I've learned in my life is that I'm hopeless on my own. But I'd be afraid to ask, even if I knew the right person to ask (assuming such a person exists). I don't deserve to have somebody to help me. Everybody else is going through life conquering their own problems. What have I ever accomplished? I'm a useless human being with wasted potential. Nobody owes me anything. And I don't have the motivation to do anything about it. I was betrayed by my own ideal in the end. "Drown in your ideals and die." And now I'm a faded shadow of a person. There's no hope left but to stubbornly cling onto fantasies, which is the only thing I'm any good at. 

Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. They became enlightened to the truth of the depressing state of existence. Their innocent happiness was gone forever. God was compassionate in ejecting the couple from the garden, for if they were to eat also from the Tree of Life, then they would become like God himself - knowing the futility of life, but having not the power to end it. God would not wish such a cruel fate even on his enemies. And so, the years passed, and Adam and Eve were eventually freed from the unrewarding effort of living, and their offspring carried on the cycle of life, for it was believed that even a pained life was worth experiencing - so long as there was eventual release.

After many years of watching over the suffering of man, God devised a plan to try and bring back some of the innocence and happiness they had lost forever when Adam and Eve made their fateful blunder. If truth had opened their eyes to the desolation of the universe, God had but to create an illusion to distract them. This illusion came in the form of Jesus Christ. Through Jesus' sacrifice, God was able to convince man that they could return to the state of dumb bliss that Adam and Eve experienced before enlightenment, by conconcting an elaborate lie of life after death, in which the tables were turned - that man could live forever, but in a state of ignorant euphoria, as if he had tasted only of the fruit of the Tree of Life, and never that of the Tree of Knowledge. The followers of God continued to preach this vision of the afterlife, and the people were deceived, and became happier for that deception. Thus, God felt a little better about his creation.

But there are still some people in this world who have a natural predilection for the bitter taste of that fruit of knowledge, and prefer it even to the sweet fig of life. These people condemn themselves for their preference, but it's not truly their fault. It's only a matter of imperfection in God's creation. It's natural for man to seek the power of God, but where some are able to grasp the concept of eternal happiness, others are drawn self-destructively toward the glowing light of knowledge. But, though they may deem themselves wiser for it, it is truly a fool's path. Yet they still must walk it, unhappily, until the day comes when God's mercy shines down on them, and their existence is wiped null for the rest of eternity.

That was far more interesting than the earlier crap.

Sometimes Titles Are Just Counterproductive

Today I watched an anime film titled "5 Centimeters Per Second", by the celebrated Makoto Shinkai. It's a very depressing story told in three parts. There's no death, disease, war, hatred, physical pain - it's all about the emotional pain that exists in that ever-growing space between people. Specifically, a boy and girl become friends in elementary school, but they drift apart over time - not for want of separation, but due to the inevitable circumstances of life. Blame the calling of The Division Bell, if you will.

I wonder about nostalgia, and its purpose. But more importantly, what do you call it when you have nostalgia for experiences that have never occurred in your life? Regular nostalgia includes a longing for a state of being that has passed - but at the same time, there's that comfort in knowing that you were once there, that it was once a reality for you. But what happens when you feel nostalgia for a fantasy? When you can imagine something infinitely beautiful, and your heart longs to experience it, but it lies outside your reach?

How come fantasy is so much better than reality? I see things in fiction that are beautiful, and then I compare them to my experience of reality, and I can't help but become depressed. I see things I want to experience, things that would enrich my life, but I can't touch them. I can imagine scenes of "the perfect childhood", "young love", "true happiness with friends", but they elude me.

In 5cm/s, the boy and girl share a romantic kiss in the snow, and at this one magic moment, they realize simultaneously the perfection of their connection, and the incompassionate truth of reality - that they cannot live their lives together. After years of forced separation, they even end up in the same place, but they couldn't be farther from each other. And yet, each one secretly yearns for one thing, which they understand is impossible, and that's to have had a chance for fate to have allowed their happiness together.

What do you do in the face of that realization? That your life was wasted, that you missed out on your chance for perfection, and that there was never anything you could do to change it. What was the point? You were one of the many bad eggs that didn't pass quality control, so now what meaning does your existence have? To live in misery? To gain cheap satisfaction from an illusion of lies? The only thing that has any meaning for you is that ideal, of living that perfection. But no matter what angle you look at it, there's no way for you to break in. So what can you do? What do you do? What will you do?

Talk Don't Bother Me

Good luck with the title.

I gave my MySpace page a slight rehaul. Nothing major, just trying to slim it down a bit, without getting rid of anything important. I've been kind of lazy updating it lately, particularly since starting this blog. But not forcing myself to explain everything I put up there will make me more willing to keep it up to date. The whole point of that page, since my original reason for having it (i.e., keeping track of My Shady Uncle Thomas) has long expired, is for people who know me to keep up with "what's up" in my world - things I'm interested in and currently spending my time doing. I guess a secondary reason is for people I don't know to get to know me better, but it's not like I'm constantly making new friends over the net or anything. And besides, I doubt even the people I know check up on it all that frequently. And that doesn't bother me, because it's their prerogative, but what does bother me is when people ask me questions like "what's up?" when they could easily figure out the answers for themselves. I do this stuff for a reason, and it has to do with my general distaste for conversation. Think of it this way - you could make conversations with me richer, happier, and more meaningful if you did your homework.

I wrote this randomly a bit earlier today, sort of a rant, about this very topic:

I think the question "what are you thinking?" is an inconsiderate invasion of privacy. If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I'd just tell you. Ask me "what are you doing?", and there's a good chance I'll rate your intelligence lowly. Whatever happened to observation? I realize conversation is a give and take process, but I can largely do without it, so if you want to converse with me, do your homework. I don't like open-ended questions like "how's x-and-or-y?" Tell me what it is you actually want to know, and if it's something I don't think you could easily figure out yourself, without my help, then I'll be more inclined to divulge that information. I'm not a chit-chatty guy. Conversation is a means to an end. And that end is procuring information, insight, and feedback. If I like you, then after awhile, I might decide that you're worth my time for idle chit-chat. In the meantime, don't waste my time. (/end)

It's not like I'm singling anyone out. I hardly talk to people anyway. But maybe it would be helpful for you to have a better understanding of why that is. Although this is all pretty ridiculous, because honestly, who do I really expect to read this anyway? When I write this stuff, I write it firstly for myself, secondly for the one or two people I can expect will read it, and thirdly for the random people who might be surfing the web and might just happen to get interested in who I am and want to find out more.

Somebody I know, but don't see very often, might say, "tell me what's going on in your life!" Now, I'm too kind to say what I really think, but my instinct is to say, "if you're really interested in that, you could easily figure it out for yourself." I'd be so much more pleased if somebody I hadn't seen in years walked up to me and said, "I read that you're watching Millenium, have you finished the third season yet? Isn't it a great show?" I'd be taken aback at first, because I'd be surprised that anyone would actually care enough about me to find that sort of thing out. Gee, what a wonderful world we live in, where everybody cares so much about everybody else!

Sigh, I guess it's just a matter of me being a loner, not versed or interested in standard social etiquette, hoping to eliminate my loneliness in alternative ways that the majority of civilization, not loners, are not versed or interested in.

I think I'd have a better time normalizing myself if I was drowned in people, so that I didn't have all this time to sit within myself and reinforce all the negative self-image issues I have. But that doesn't change who I am or how I think. It doesn't change my fear and apprehension about approaching people, and it doesn't change my level of anxiety and discomfort when subjected to the presence of others.

The human mind is a terrible place to live.

Journal 020

Last night I dreamed I was having a birthday party, which is ironic, since it's my brothers' birthdays that are coming up. And of the two people that showed up (my brother already being at the house), one was a person I never would have expected would come, but was the one person I'd be happiest to see. As it worked out, I, in my way, managed to avoid everyone for most of it - even though it wasn't intentional. I don't recall the details.

Before going to bed, I saw, in the growing light of dawn, that a layer of snow must have fallen during the night. As prophecied. Although, waking up this evening, the snow was already completely melted by the verdant dampness of the coming spring, so I wonder if the snow was merely an illusion. Well, I can't be sure if there'll be another snow or not, but I for one am looking forward to warmer weather.

The second batch of CD's I ordered has just arrived. The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown is awesome - perfect sixties psychedelia. Crusade by John Mayall & The Bluesbreakers - featuring Mick Taylor on guitar - sounds great. I can't believe I wasn't aware, but I Can't Quit You Baby is on that album! That's one of my favorite blues that Led Zeppelin does! And considering that Led Zeppelin evolved from the Yardbirds, from which Eric Clapton migrated into the Bluesbreakers, in which his eventual successor (and predecessor to Mick Taylor) was Peter Green, who formed Fleetwood Mac, whose music was known to have inspired Led Zeppelin (my, the webs we spin) - perhaps this track deserves a note in the Roots of Led Zeppelin project!

The last of the 3 CD's I just got was the Stones' classic live album from 1970 - Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out - also featuring Mick Taylor. I remember 5 years ago, my brother had this album, and he played it once in my presence (at the cabin, I believe), and I remember thinking it was mediocre. Of course, that was compared to the Led Zeppelin and such I was listening to, and the Stones have a slightly different aesthetic - less epic, virtuosic intensity, and more of the raw grittiness of roots music. At any rate, it's a testament to how my taste has evolved over the years that, now, I think the album sounds fantastic.

The finale to Millenium's second season was great, but I was a little concerned at the opening of the third, at how much things had changed. Frank back at the FBI? A brand new co-star in a supporting role so integral that she has usurped Catherine's (who no longer appears in the story, sadly) position in the opening credits? But I like it thus far. As skeptical as I am of pumping new main characters into an established series (and heaven help them if they had decided to axe Frank Black), I really like this Agent Hollis, so that's good. Also, I'm ecstatic, because I've been waiting all this time for the Millenium Group to become the enemy, and I think it finally has, so I'm excited. I hope they don't shy away from that.

The three seasons of this show are indeed unique to one another in their focus. For example, the first season deals with the violent crime aspect, while the second season explores the mythology of the Millenium Group and their prophecies, and I shall see what the third season is like, though I can already tell it's much different than the first two - without losing that "Milleniumistic" charm, of course. Initially, I thought it was Chris Carter's characteristic style of slow reveal (on The X-Files, "I don't even want to show the aliens until the fifth season" - paraphrase, from memory), which is great storytelling. But then I learned that Carter basically gave the show to his writers after the first season, and they're the ones responsible for its change of direction. Oh well, it still works out quite well, in this case.

We dyed Easter eggs last night. It's a fun little activity, I guess. I made some neat eggs: a green watermelon egg; one with a kitten face, inspired by Sasha; one with a really scary face; an orange jack-o-lantern egg; an egg that sort of looks tie-dyed; etc... The two best things about Easter are Cadbury Creme Eggs, and deviled eggs - I can't wait to have some deviled eggs. Oh, and peanut butter eggs (the Reese's kind). There's an awesome commercial (get it before it's gone) where a chocolate bunny kisses a jar of peanut butter to the tune of makeout music. Classic.

And now I have a headache from playing too much online Stratego. It was great fun, though.

Have a happy and moral Easter!

Breakfast of Champions: A bowl of fruity oatmeal and peanut butter and jelly on a toasted english muffin, with a glass of your choice of juice (or in my case, Gatorade).

Life Improvement Strategy (Bootstrap Method):

>Exercise every day
>Eat less, but not necessarily less often
>Adapt to a diurnal schedule
>Stop being afraid of people
>Stop self-doubt, self-hatred, and self-sabotage (starting with the thought that this whole strategy is lame)
>Go outside in daylight
>Get new glasses

Long-term goals:

>Get a job
>Move out
>Make new friends that share my interests (no offense to the friend(s?) I have now)
>Get a girlfriend

And a big FUCK!!! YOU!!! (cue that guy from Letterman) to everybody who didn't magically help me when I was too pathetic to help myself. If any of this stuff actually works, I'll be a lot better than most people on this planet. That's not egoism, that's just a statement of how hard this sort of thing is for me. And fuck you to all the positive people out there who right now are saying "yeah, that's the plan, you've got it now!" You guys are the worst, because you didn't help me either.

"You have no idea how refreshing it is to hear somebody even more cynical than I am." Actually though, I'm getting pretty tired of my brother's apocalyptic nihilism. I need a more positive influence in my life, after all.

I miss Miss Viv.

Journal 018

Kind of getting bored of talking about myself, I guess. Especially when not much of particular excitement is happening. Maybe it's my old feelings pulling me back, but I also feel like not having to explain the "excruciating minutiae, of every, single, daily event". Or rather, not having to lay bare every impulse and activity I engage in. Partly because I just can't be bothered to exert the effort. One of those psych books I read kept stressing the importance of the observing self, but I can't formally evaluate every little thing that goes on in my life and mind.

My glasses finally broke yesterday. The lens can not be placed back in the frame with any tools that are available to me. So I'm kind of screwed. Luckily, I have my contacts, but the more/longer I wear them, the more they irritate me. I also have an older pair of glasses which is in good shape, but the prescription is prehistoric, and it doesn't fit terribly comfortably on my face these days, either. Basically, they increase my ability to see clearly from about 5 inches (without glasses) to about 11 inches (with the old pair). So I still have to sit up with my face practically against the monitor just to work at the computer. It's irritating.

It bugs me that despite having practically no responsibilities for nearly two full years, I still haven't had the chance to live exactly the way I'd like. That is, on a rolling schedule, where I wake up whenever the hell I want to, and with complete isolation, not interacting with another human being, in person, except when absolutely necessary, which I guess would mean every few weeks or so when I'd have to hit the store for stuff (assuming that I didn't bother going to the Open Stage, to avoid people).

I'm pretty good at isolating myself. I desire companionship, but I don't know how to deal with it, so when I get it, I want to get rid of it. Then I hole myself away so that people won't bother me. But then I sit there and ruminate on how lonely I am. But I can't deal with people, so there's no solution. And the more I hide myself away, the harder it gets to come out. The longer I go without needing to hit the store for some little thing, the harder it is to convince myself to get out there. I can't even stand the thought of going outside into the public market place in daylight. There's no way I'm gonna go and get myself a new pair of glasses anytime soon.

I don't want to die, but I wish I could just crawl into a hole somewhere and hide for a few years.