I know it's important to stay balanced. On the other hand, the scales in our country are tipped so far right now (with the emphasis on "far right"), it can be hard to recognize what balance truly is. There's certainly an argument to be made for the stance that fascism doesn't deserve a seat at the bargaining table. With that in mind, I keep myself mercifully insulated from much of MAGA culture, getting my daily dose of psychotherapy from a medical cocktail of Stewart, Colbert, and Kimmell. That said, it CAN be useful to understand the opposition ("know thine enemy"), EVEN when they're batshit insane.
Still, it was a nonconsensual encounter when I came face to face with a pro-Trump meme on Facebook recently that so completely missed reality, that I had to sit there and stare at it agape for full moments before coming back to my senses. My respect for the person who posted it (without any apparent explanation) plummeted, though it wasn't that high to begin with, in the modern political landscape. Still, I was curious enough to check the comments - big mistake, I know, but I guess I was hoping to get some kind of context for the meme, to see if there was some angle I was missing, that could help make it make sense. And what I saw was eye-opening, but not in the way I expected. Not in a good way, either, mind you.
At the tail end of a government shutdown (induced by an utter and unprecendented refusal of the Republican majority in Congress to prevent Americans' healthcare costs from skyrocketing), in which scores of federal workers have gone unpaid for well over a month, and at a time when many working families were facing the prospect of not being able to afford to FEED their kids, this meme said "stop Trump - before we all end up with jobs." Honestly, I thought it was supposed to be sarcastic, but it was too simplistic. There was no clever jab. No subtle reference. And the comments confirmed it.
At this point, I expect the MAGA Republic to twist everything that comes out of the political news cycle to their advantage, no matter how many pretzels they have to bend reality into. What I wasn't expecting was just how out of touch so many of those people were. And I don't mean that they don't know what's real or what's fake. I mean, they're not even paying attention to what's going on. They're not twisting facts, only because they're not aware of the facts in the first place. The overwhelming majority of comments on that post included one or more of the following phrases: "end SNAP", "lazy freeloaders", and "get a job". (I mean, it's no stretch to imagine these people cheering Trump on when he recently demanded that air traffic controllers work without pay). Like, this is SO far removed from anything even remotely like what's happening in the country right now.
You can't even argue to these people that Trump and the Republicans are historically piss-poor at giving regular people an opportunity to work for a living wage, because they're heads are so far up their asses they can't even tell if it's day or night! I can't help imagining them all as frail, 80 year olds who can't see or hear, and are so locked in to what their textbooks said when they were in fifth grade in the 1950s, that nothing else is able to penetrate their thick skulls. I know this isn't a kind assessment, but I won't say it's not fair. It speaks for itself.
I don't love the Democratic party unconditionally. They have LOTS of problems, and I'm happy to point them out. Because we NEED to work on them. But what I've seen lately within the anti-Trump protest movement is at least people responding to reality. We don't all have the answers, and we're not all immune to misinformation or letting our emotions rule the day (although our anger is righteous). But at least we're trying! We're not locked into one outdated worldview that resembles nothing in the world today, and unwilling to let anything else shatter that delusion about what's important. I mean, what is it that traumatized so many people so badly, that to this day the ONLY thing they care about (above and beyond what's in front of their eyes) is some mythological free-loading "commie"?
I can't even. Are these people so dumb, and so adled with age? And why are these people disproportionately represented at the polls? I swear, you should have to pass a cognitive test, as well as a civics test (on modern events) to be allowed to vote. I know that sounds bad, but what else can we do? How else can we stop idiocracy? The people running this country have a tenuous grip on reality (at best), and positively no clue what's going on. It's like the train conductor has put a blind-fold on himself. One thing you don't learn as an intelligent person - probably because you never encountered anyone smart enough to know and teach you - is how much you'll be gobsmacked in life by how incredibly dumb the human animal is, time and time again. The breadth and depth of stupidity is consistently appalling.
Addendum:
I've had a little more time to process this, and it occurs to me that these people literally believe that people are on food assistance because they're too lazy to work. Children are going hungry, and these people are celebrating because they think they deserve it! They want SNAP to end, because they think it will motivate people to get a job. They SUPPORT Trump cutting off funds, as if it's good for the country's wellbeing. They are so deluded! They don't understand how SNAP boosts the economy. They don't understand how many people on SNAP already work. They don't understand the extent to which the working class is exploited so the rich can get richer.
And there's no consideration given to the federal workers forced out of a job, or to work without pay, not to mention the key issue which is affordable health care. What's humane about people not being able to afford to get treated when they're sick? They must think people only get sick because they deserve it. Which is ludicrous - don't they have personal experience with these things? Most of them are working class. Nobody goes through life without having health problems, and knowing people with health problems. How can they be so absolutely dumb, when that stupidity is so incredibly dangerous to humanity?
You just get stuck in your bubble of empathy, and you forget that there are actually human beings out there - a lot of them - who do not have empathy, and do not experience any guilt or shame about not having empathy. That's not rhetoric. That's not exaggeration. That's cold, hard reality. These people are dumb, and mean, and they're being tapped like batteries by people with power and authority to hurt the entire country. And I feel like I'm just pissing in the wind here, because complaining about it doesn't change shit, and the injustice just continues on. (While these asshats - including people in my own family - that are hurting people and destroying the country, are laughing gleefully at my frustration).
And what little satisfaction accompanied my realization of these things - putting pieces together and understanding better how the opposition thinks - has been completely replaced now by an utter and abject despair. I'm so sick of this country's politics, and the very real wounds it's causing in people's lives, even cutting off former friends and tearing families apart. The divide is real. Welcome to the fall of the United States.
13 November, 2025
04 November, 2025
Losing Friends Over Politics
A lot of people seem to treat morality and ethics as pretty much interchangeable. But I think there's a meaningful difference between the two. I've written about this before. In my conception, morals are essentially the private beliefs (no matter where they originate, or how many people with which they are shared) a person has about what constitutes "righteousness" or virtue. It should be used as a guide for one's actions and choices in life. This is a function of religion in my view - I know there are people who disagree, but God isn't a collective concept. It's a personal relationship that nobody else gets to define but you.
Ethics, on the other hand, are the general rules we agree to follow in order to co-exist peacefully with one another. Take the golden rule, for example. It governs how you treat others, not the decisions you make that determine the direction of your own life. Because these are guidelines we are all expected to follow in order to keep things running smoothly, they need to be collectively agreed upon (to a reasonable degree). There are some who think the state should meddle in matters of religion, but the document our democracy was founded upon disagrees - and so do I.
It doesn't seem right, then, that politics should be off the table of polite discussion, the way that religion is. Religion is personal, and powerful. It doesn't require consensus. But politics is about how we construct the society we all must live together in. If you're afraid to discuss your political beliefs because you think you might lose friends or family over it, then I think maybe you need to reconsider your political beliefs and what they say about you as a person. If you're not working together with the rest of the people at the table, then maybe you don't deserve to share in their company.
Ethics, on the other hand, are the general rules we agree to follow in order to co-exist peacefully with one another. Take the golden rule, for example. It governs how you treat others, not the decisions you make that determine the direction of your own life. Because these are guidelines we are all expected to follow in order to keep things running smoothly, they need to be collectively agreed upon (to a reasonable degree). There are some who think the state should meddle in matters of religion, but the document our democracy was founded upon disagrees - and so do I.
It doesn't seem right, then, that politics should be off the table of polite discussion, the way that religion is. Religion is personal, and powerful. It doesn't require consensus. But politics is about how we construct the society we all must live together in. If you're afraid to discuss your political beliefs because you think you might lose friends or family over it, then I think maybe you need to reconsider your political beliefs and what they say about you as a person. If you're not working together with the rest of the people at the table, then maybe you don't deserve to share in their company.
21 October, 2025
No Kings 2.0
It was a beautiful day. You couldn't have asked for nicer weather in the middle of October. I made it to three separate protests in all - which is cool, because I was able to experience a different vibe with each one (I even had the chance to honk at some overpass protesters coming into the city via the parkway!).
The first one was downtown, on the streets in front of the City Council Building. It was just the protest rally vibe I was looking for. For the second one, I walked across town to the North Shore. Held in a city park, it very much had a "summer festival" vibe - with people sitting on the grass, dancers and musicians in addition to speakers, and even food trucks!
Then I zipped over and stood on the side of a busy highway for an hour holding up my signs. We got a lotta honkers, but also a lot of thumbs-down and middle fingers. The fact that anyone could give our fundamental American values the middle finger is deeply distressing. The best case scenario is that they're so brainwashed by propaganda, that they don't realize what they're doing - that's the BEST case scenario. And it's still not a good one.
But to see all the people today who came out to support our democracy was heartening. So many different people with so many different, creative signs. The one thing that stands out more than anything about this movement, is the "intersectionality of outrage". This isn't a single issue protest. It's not even a few issues protest. There are so many different things to be outraged about.
The assault on free speech. Abuse of the military. Vindictive lay-offs. Evasion of criminal justice. The abhorrent behavior displayed toward racial minorities. Attacks on women's rights. Marginalization of LGBT populations. A general disregard for science. The abysmal state of health care. Lack of support for labor unions. And the lies. Oh, so many egregious lies*.
Just about everyone has a legitimate gripe with this authoritarian regime except the billionaires who are profiting from it. And while this protest has been painted as a partisan movement, the actual reality is that we should ALL be united under the banner of #NoKings. The true divide isn't left vs. right, it's top vs. bottom. I wish the rest of us would realize that already, so we can stop fighting amongst ourselves, and topple the oligarchy - for the benefit of we, the people.
*Lying seems like a minor infraction compared to everything else, but I honestly believe it's the worst part. It's not without good reason that it's been said that the death of truth is the ultimate victory of evil. Two people could fight about whether a third person deserves human rights - I mean, I think that argument has a clear winner, but apparently there are people in this world who disagree - but if those two people can't agree on a shared reality, they'll never find common ground. It's like putting two fighters in a ring, and then removing the floor.
Make no mistake, deception is the shadow that evil actors use to cloak their misdeeds - misdeeds that would NEVER fly if brought out into the light. And the most insidious form of deception is psychological manipulation - when you've been so brainwashed that even when a thing is presented to you clearly, you see it as something different, because your own mind has been hijacked. You require the filter of your leader and his goons to interpret evidence before you, having lost all independent evaluation and common sense. This is textbook cult behavior.
Of course, because you're being manipulated, you'll accuse your opponents of the same thing. What sets us apart, then? What can resolve this conundrum? Only objective reality. I'm willing to question my biases and have an honest conversation. Are you willing to do the same?
For example, our movement didn't land on the accusation of fascism just because it sounds damning. We reached that conclusion based on overwhelming evidence. You have a big job debunking that one, but go ahead and try. Unless you can pull it off, "if the shoe fits..." On the other hand, calling our political protest (exercising a Constitutional right) a "hate America rally" is so obviously untrue, and designed to manipulate. Do you even HAVE a counter argument for that one, or are you just going to ignore it becuse you know you'll lose a point?
I have plenty of criticisms of the liberal platform, and I'm willing to talk about them (so you can't say I'm a brainwashed dupe), but they're pretty minor compared to the atrocities the right is committing. And their fundamental principles are inherently more humane. How can you even argue against the virtue of empathy? ESPECIALLY if you call yourself Christian? I honestly believe the alternative is so horrible, that people can't realistically face up to it, so they burn off parts of their brain to avoid admitting they just want to take selfishly at the expense of others.
I get that you want the world to be simple. But it's not simple. And neither are people. Gender and sexuality are complicated. Forcing them into boxes to preserve your narrow understanding is a denial of reality that hurts real people (and limits your own vision of reality!). It's okay if you don't understand it, but when did giving people the freedom to live their own lives their own way become a bad thing - dare I say, an un-American thing? You don't like freedom? Sure, it goes against your small-minded view of "God's plan". But if you're American, freedom comes first. Even the freedom to choose your own God. If you disagree with that statement, you are factually un-American, in the most fundamental way - the Constitutional way.
I just want you to answer these challenges. Not ignore them and bury your head in the sand. Because if you can't, if you're not smart enough, then why would you not defer to somebody who's smarter than you? I have legitimate complaints about your ideology. Fundamental, world-shattering inconsistencies. If you continue to shrug it off, that is an acceptance of defeat. Your silence speaks volumes. So if you're wrong, and you know you're wrong, because you don't even have a thing to say in your defense, then why do you persist in letting your egoistic delusions affect other people's lives in very real and measurable ways? ANSWER ME!
The first one was downtown, on the streets in front of the City Council Building. It was just the protest rally vibe I was looking for. For the second one, I walked across town to the North Shore. Held in a city park, it very much had a "summer festival" vibe - with people sitting on the grass, dancers and musicians in addition to speakers, and even food trucks!
Then I zipped over and stood on the side of a busy highway for an hour holding up my signs. We got a lotta honkers, but also a lot of thumbs-down and middle fingers. The fact that anyone could give our fundamental American values the middle finger is deeply distressing. The best case scenario is that they're so brainwashed by propaganda, that they don't realize what they're doing - that's the BEST case scenario. And it's still not a good one.
But to see all the people today who came out to support our democracy was heartening. So many different people with so many different, creative signs. The one thing that stands out more than anything about this movement, is the "intersectionality of outrage". This isn't a single issue protest. It's not even a few issues protest. There are so many different things to be outraged about.
The assault on free speech. Abuse of the military. Vindictive lay-offs. Evasion of criminal justice. The abhorrent behavior displayed toward racial minorities. Attacks on women's rights. Marginalization of LGBT populations. A general disregard for science. The abysmal state of health care. Lack of support for labor unions. And the lies. Oh, so many egregious lies*.
Just about everyone has a legitimate gripe with this authoritarian regime except the billionaires who are profiting from it. And while this protest has been painted as a partisan movement, the actual reality is that we should ALL be united under the banner of #NoKings. The true divide isn't left vs. right, it's top vs. bottom. I wish the rest of us would realize that already, so we can stop fighting amongst ourselves, and topple the oligarchy - for the benefit of we, the people.
*Lying seems like a minor infraction compared to everything else, but I honestly believe it's the worst part. It's not without good reason that it's been said that the death of truth is the ultimate victory of evil. Two people could fight about whether a third person deserves human rights - I mean, I think that argument has a clear winner, but apparently there are people in this world who disagree - but if those two people can't agree on a shared reality, they'll never find common ground. It's like putting two fighters in a ring, and then removing the floor.
Make no mistake, deception is the shadow that evil actors use to cloak their misdeeds - misdeeds that would NEVER fly if brought out into the light. And the most insidious form of deception is psychological manipulation - when you've been so brainwashed that even when a thing is presented to you clearly, you see it as something different, because your own mind has been hijacked. You require the filter of your leader and his goons to interpret evidence before you, having lost all independent evaluation and common sense. This is textbook cult behavior.
Of course, because you're being manipulated, you'll accuse your opponents of the same thing. What sets us apart, then? What can resolve this conundrum? Only objective reality. I'm willing to question my biases and have an honest conversation. Are you willing to do the same?
For example, our movement didn't land on the accusation of fascism just because it sounds damning. We reached that conclusion based on overwhelming evidence. You have a big job debunking that one, but go ahead and try. Unless you can pull it off, "if the shoe fits..." On the other hand, calling our political protest (exercising a Constitutional right) a "hate America rally" is so obviously untrue, and designed to manipulate. Do you even HAVE a counter argument for that one, or are you just going to ignore it becuse you know you'll lose a point?
I have plenty of criticisms of the liberal platform, and I'm willing to talk about them (so you can't say I'm a brainwashed dupe), but they're pretty minor compared to the atrocities the right is committing. And their fundamental principles are inherently more humane. How can you even argue against the virtue of empathy? ESPECIALLY if you call yourself Christian? I honestly believe the alternative is so horrible, that people can't realistically face up to it, so they burn off parts of their brain to avoid admitting they just want to take selfishly at the expense of others.
I get that you want the world to be simple. But it's not simple. And neither are people. Gender and sexuality are complicated. Forcing them into boxes to preserve your narrow understanding is a denial of reality that hurts real people (and limits your own vision of reality!). It's okay if you don't understand it, but when did giving people the freedom to live their own lives their own way become a bad thing - dare I say, an un-American thing? You don't like freedom? Sure, it goes against your small-minded view of "God's plan". But if you're American, freedom comes first. Even the freedom to choose your own God. If you disagree with that statement, you are factually un-American, in the most fundamental way - the Constitutional way.
I just want you to answer these challenges. Not ignore them and bury your head in the sand. Because if you can't, if you're not smart enough, then why would you not defer to somebody who's smarter than you? I have legitimate complaints about your ideology. Fundamental, world-shattering inconsistencies. If you continue to shrug it off, that is an acceptance of defeat. Your silence speaks volumes. So if you're wrong, and you know you're wrong, because you don't even have a thing to say in your defense, then why do you persist in letting your egoistic delusions affect other people's lives in very real and measurable ways? ANSWER ME!
19 September, 2025
Evil Absence
According to conventional religious doctrine, the problem of evil is resolved by the presence of free will. God lets bad things happen because it's important that we have the freedom to choose good or evil. In the case of tragedies not caused by anybody's choices - like natural disasters, or childhood cancer - it's all part of God's plan. What is God's plan, you ask? We're not allowed to know. Or we couldn't possibly understand. What's important is that in either of these cases, there is no material difference in reality whether there is no God, or there is an unreachable, unknowable God.
Why, then, should we believe in a God, when no God would result in the exact same reality? Because believing it has a positive psychological impact, perhaps? Understand that the question of whether believing in God helps us is very different than the question of whether God exists. In a lot of cases, that belief IS helpful to people - especially people who are coping with grief and tragedy. Because, like air rushing in to fill a void, it provides us with something that is lacking. In other words, we believe in a God because we NEED there to be a God, to make sense of what is unfortunately a senseless reality.
On the other hand, history provides us no shortage of examples of the worst kind of horrors perpetrated for the glory of God. The problem is that blind, unquestioning faith has - as atheist activist Greta Christina once put it - no reality check. It can be (and has been, and continues to be) used as a blanket to cover up the justifications for all manner of atrocities. If it can go both ways, then isn't it better that we stick to a philosophy that's beholden to rational analysis? Reason can be questioned. It can be put on trial. Our judgment may be inferior to God's, but who is fool enough to believe the man who says his own judgment IS God's? Because he figured out how to put on a priest collar? Shouldn't God be able to speak for Himself?
So why does He remain silent? If God exists, why does He permit men to do evil in His name, when He could easily set the record straight? Is such a being even worthy of the title? Worthy of being worshipped? What kind of an egotistical narcissist must He be, to care more that you show your devotion in the absence of any evidence, than He cares to actually be present in our lives and provide guidance to those of us who so desperately need it? He's no better than an absentee father, demanding but undeserving of your love.
Why, then, should we believe in a God, when no God would result in the exact same reality? Because believing it has a positive psychological impact, perhaps? Understand that the question of whether believing in God helps us is very different than the question of whether God exists. In a lot of cases, that belief IS helpful to people - especially people who are coping with grief and tragedy. Because, like air rushing in to fill a void, it provides us with something that is lacking. In other words, we believe in a God because we NEED there to be a God, to make sense of what is unfortunately a senseless reality.
On the other hand, history provides us no shortage of examples of the worst kind of horrors perpetrated for the glory of God. The problem is that blind, unquestioning faith has - as atheist activist Greta Christina once put it - no reality check. It can be (and has been, and continues to be) used as a blanket to cover up the justifications for all manner of atrocities. If it can go both ways, then isn't it better that we stick to a philosophy that's beholden to rational analysis? Reason can be questioned. It can be put on trial. Our judgment may be inferior to God's, but who is fool enough to believe the man who says his own judgment IS God's? Because he figured out how to put on a priest collar? Shouldn't God be able to speak for Himself?
So why does He remain silent? If God exists, why does He permit men to do evil in His name, when He could easily set the record straight? Is such a being even worthy of the title? Worthy of being worshipped? What kind of an egotistical narcissist must He be, to care more that you show your devotion in the absence of any evidence, than He cares to actually be present in our lives and provide guidance to those of us who so desperately need it? He's no better than an absentee father, demanding but undeserving of your love.
01 September, 2025
Thoughts on a Labor Day
"Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." You'll also never see a single paycheck, because that's not how work works. However, that does describe my lifestyle - though not entirely by choice. I enjoy the flexibility and control over my own time, and the freedom from stress and dealing with other people. But not receiving the capital that our society defines as value has a definite lasting impact on my feeling of self-worth. And that's a significant price to pay for these privileges.
I know there are people out there who work really hard at their jobs. (I also know that how hard you work doesn't necessarily scale with the size of your paycheck). But I also know that I work at least as hard as some people who do get paid a full-time wage (office jobs are notoriously padded with downtime). From my perspective, you can't blame me for thinking that what you're getting paid for isn't the service you provide or the product you create, it's dealing with the stress and the inconvenience of making yourself uncomfortable on somebody else's time. You're trading your soul and your peace of mind for money, a little bit at a time.
And I still envy you, because there are a lot of things I could do with money that would make me and the people I care about happier than they are.* But if my persistent anxiety is any indication, I fear I'd have to conclude that I don't believe it's worth it. I just hate the feeling that I'm a valuable resource - I'm smart, and I'm a hard worker in spite of my avoidant personality - and my life is being wasted because nobody out there is in a position to tap my potential. I want to do big things. I want to matter. But I've seen the future, and I die a nameless nobody. My journey is just a process of learning to accept it. I'll probably even outlive most of the few people who know me and care about me. That is, if my fragile heart doesn't give out way before my time...
---
*Money doesn't buy happiness, but it can offset a lot of unnecessary suffering, and put you in a better position to thrive. You hear about it, but I feel like it's hard to imagine when you live in a bubble. I don't want to out anyone, or embarrass anyone, so I won't name any names, but I've personally known (and in some cases personally helped, despite not even having a job) people who have been unable to afford groceries, to pay their electric bill, to get their air conditioner fixed in the summer, to buy gifts for their kids at Christmas, to hire a lawyer to sue for custody arrangements, to have a place to stay and food to eat and clothes to wear after their house burned down in a fire...
These are, by and large, necessities of living in modern day civilization - not luxuries. I don't approve of all of these people's lifestyle decisions, and not all of them are good at managing money. But I still like them as people, and I don't think they deserve to suffer without the basic necessities of life. It's also hard to say no when people you care about are asking you for help, even when you're barely living above their means. It's a no-win situation. You either enable their vices (like buying them groceries after they've spent all of their own money on cigarettes), or feel like a horrible person (because you're letting them go hungry).
But that's why these difficulties aren't isolated to the people that suffer them. It's the reason I changed my mind about drug laws. I used to think that if somebody wanted to eat poison and destroy themselves, they should have the freedom to do so. But then I saw firsthand the effect that has on your loved ones, who didn't consent to seeing you destroy yourself, but moreover, didn't consent to the financial and emotional drain your destruction would inevitably have on them.
People make dumb decisions sometimes and it hurts more than just themselves. But that's our responsibility as a society, to help each other out. But how can we help each other out when we're stretched so thin that we can barely help ourselves? And yet a few people in this world have obscene stores of money. You think anybody actually deserves that much more money than a person can make working an honest living at a full time job? Billionaires aren't gods. They aren't saints. I believe some people do deserve more than others. But there is no cosmic justice, and we do a horrible job of deciding what anybody deserves or doesn't deserve.
It's why our justice system is a circus court. But I can tell you this, nobody deserves to have a billion or even a million dollars until everybody can afford at least the basic necessities of life. And if you think somebody deserves less because of poor choices they've made, well too bad. Because the people who make good choices and deserve more don't always get it, either. That's just not how the system works. So congratulations for making it in this unfair world. You think you can just vote to keep things more or less the same, so you can go on thriving, as long as it's somebody else who has to suffer for the failures in our system? What a wonderful person you are.
I'm not personable. I prefer to keep to myself mostly. I don't want to suffer for the poor choices other people have made, that I've consciously avoided making. That's why you won't see me opening up a soup kitchen, or inviting refugees into my home. But I'm not putting my head in the sand and saying "I've got mine - that's all that matters." That's why I support social reform. If people can help themselves, then it's less of a burden on me. So, yeah, it's selfish, but it's selfish in the sense that I thrive when other people are thriving, too. Not by profiting off of their misery. Isn't that how society should work?
I know there are people out there who work really hard at their jobs. (I also know that how hard you work doesn't necessarily scale with the size of your paycheck). But I also know that I work at least as hard as some people who do get paid a full-time wage (office jobs are notoriously padded with downtime). From my perspective, you can't blame me for thinking that what you're getting paid for isn't the service you provide or the product you create, it's dealing with the stress and the inconvenience of making yourself uncomfortable on somebody else's time. You're trading your soul and your peace of mind for money, a little bit at a time.
And I still envy you, because there are a lot of things I could do with money that would make me and the people I care about happier than they are.* But if my persistent anxiety is any indication, I fear I'd have to conclude that I don't believe it's worth it. I just hate the feeling that I'm a valuable resource - I'm smart, and I'm a hard worker in spite of my avoidant personality - and my life is being wasted because nobody out there is in a position to tap my potential. I want to do big things. I want to matter. But I've seen the future, and I die a nameless nobody. My journey is just a process of learning to accept it. I'll probably even outlive most of the few people who know me and care about me. That is, if my fragile heart doesn't give out way before my time...
---
*Money doesn't buy happiness, but it can offset a lot of unnecessary suffering, and put you in a better position to thrive. You hear about it, but I feel like it's hard to imagine when you live in a bubble. I don't want to out anyone, or embarrass anyone, so I won't name any names, but I've personally known (and in some cases personally helped, despite not even having a job) people who have been unable to afford groceries, to pay their electric bill, to get their air conditioner fixed in the summer, to buy gifts for their kids at Christmas, to hire a lawyer to sue for custody arrangements, to have a place to stay and food to eat and clothes to wear after their house burned down in a fire...
These are, by and large, necessities of living in modern day civilization - not luxuries. I don't approve of all of these people's lifestyle decisions, and not all of them are good at managing money. But I still like them as people, and I don't think they deserve to suffer without the basic necessities of life. It's also hard to say no when people you care about are asking you for help, even when you're barely living above their means. It's a no-win situation. You either enable their vices (like buying them groceries after they've spent all of their own money on cigarettes), or feel like a horrible person (because you're letting them go hungry).
But that's why these difficulties aren't isolated to the people that suffer them. It's the reason I changed my mind about drug laws. I used to think that if somebody wanted to eat poison and destroy themselves, they should have the freedom to do so. But then I saw firsthand the effect that has on your loved ones, who didn't consent to seeing you destroy yourself, but moreover, didn't consent to the financial and emotional drain your destruction would inevitably have on them.
People make dumb decisions sometimes and it hurts more than just themselves. But that's our responsibility as a society, to help each other out. But how can we help each other out when we're stretched so thin that we can barely help ourselves? And yet a few people in this world have obscene stores of money. You think anybody actually deserves that much more money than a person can make working an honest living at a full time job? Billionaires aren't gods. They aren't saints. I believe some people do deserve more than others. But there is no cosmic justice, and we do a horrible job of deciding what anybody deserves or doesn't deserve.
It's why our justice system is a circus court. But I can tell you this, nobody deserves to have a billion or even a million dollars until everybody can afford at least the basic necessities of life. And if you think somebody deserves less because of poor choices they've made, well too bad. Because the people who make good choices and deserve more don't always get it, either. That's just not how the system works. So congratulations for making it in this unfair world. You think you can just vote to keep things more or less the same, so you can go on thriving, as long as it's somebody else who has to suffer for the failures in our system? What a wonderful person you are.
I'm not personable. I prefer to keep to myself mostly. I don't want to suffer for the poor choices other people have made, that I've consciously avoided making. That's why you won't see me opening up a soup kitchen, or inviting refugees into my home. But I'm not putting my head in the sand and saying "I've got mine - that's all that matters." That's why I support social reform. If people can help themselves, then it's less of a burden on me. So, yeah, it's selfish, but it's selfish in the sense that I thrive when other people are thriving, too. Not by profiting off of their misery. Isn't that how society should work?
02 August, 2025
Tekko '25
Although I am as dedicated to Tekko as I've ever been - even after all these years - I considered not writing a con report this year. What's the point? Who even reads them? Their only purpose is to remind myself what happened when, and to help me keep my history straight. I guess that's something, but it's more work at the end of an already exhausting weekend. And it's harder with every passing year to avoid repetition, as well as to articulate the highlights without getting overly personal (in order to protect the privacy of anyone who isn't me). Nevertheless, here I am in front of the keyboard; because I realized that writing these things helps me to process the whole experience, and provide some measure of closure to the decompression phase.
This is my fifteenth Tekko in eighteen years (I missed a couple in the wake of COVID). I don't even go to panels anymore (if there are any good ones, I can't tell, because the schedule is a hot mess). I didn't get to see any AMVs this year (we had to leave early on Sunday, before the awards). My cosplays are becoming repetitive (although I still enjoy wearing them - and crafting new ones is hard). Even my pictures are losing their novelty. Yet, I still had a blast. I enjoyed myself thoroughly, even in the face of the occasional frustrations and disappointments (every con has highs and lows). After all these years, I still love going, and I still get depressed when it's over.
I'm grateful to have found others to share this experience with (including the next two generations) - although it's still hard to find people who can match the enthusiasm I have. Yes, it's tiring. It's expensive - absolutely (and in this economy, it hits harder than ever). And it can be stressful at times. But I never can understand why everybody is always in a hurry to get back home on Sunday. Or why they don't want to get there early on Thursday. I paid to be there. I've looked forward to it all year long. There's nowhere else I want to be. Come Monday morning, I'm lost and confused. I don't want to go back to everyday life. I just want to go back to the con! Which reminds me, it's time to book my ticket and get a locked-in rate on a hotel room for 2026!
As for new anime I've discovered this past year, I just finished watching a series called Orb: On The Movements of the Earth, which I thought was fantastic. It depicts the cultural shift in Europe during the transitional period between the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, as amateur astronomers pursuing the heliocentric theory are hunted relentlessly by the church. It's about the elegant beauty of science, the stubborn march of progress, and what it costs. It's about forbidden knowledge, the righteousness of truth, and the wickedness of society (especially religion, although secular indoctrination can accomplish the same ideological oppression) in protecting its own self-serving lies by committing barbarous atrocities without conscience or remorse, all in the name of control. It's something that anyone who's lived a life of oppression, hiding in fear of what would happen should the truth come out, can understand and appreciate.
I also had the great pleasure of watching an older series from the mid-oughts titled Monster, about a genius surgeon turned fugitive's dogged pursuit of a sociopathic killer whose life he unknowingly saved in the ER. It was also fantastic. I recommend it. (Just don't expect any fantasy elements that are teased by the show's title and aesthetic). I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Dandadan, an energetic new show that melds comedy, romance, and supernatural action, and has become an instant hit. And then there's Gushing Over Magical Girls, a clever new series that skirts the line between ecchi and full-on hentai. I'll admit that I was initially put off by the art style, but I'm glad I stuck with it. In this show, the protagonist is actually the villain - a girl who has a fetish for magical girls, and uses her powers (along with her cohorts) to trap the heroines in all manner of embarrassing and perverted situations. It's the best deconstruction of the magical girl genre since Madoka Magica!
You know what? I'm tired of the usual note-for-note format of these reports, so let me just describe some of the memorable highlights (and lowlights) of the weekend. Starting with the swag. As planned, I got a combat-ready foam lightsaber (green) for my Slave Leia cosplay. It took me a while to find the right booth in the Exhibition Hall - but I finally did. And their lightsabers were on sale, too! Although still very expensive. But I budgeted for it, and I'm happy with my purchase. I also bought a Lum figure, since I finally watched Urusei Yatsura (albeit the remake) this year. It's a good show, and I like the character (to say nothing of her excellent taste in fashion). For a tasty treat, in lieu of chocolate-covered gummy bears (which I did not see this year), I bought some mini buckeyes instead. I think I like them even better. I saw a Chii figure I absolutely adored (perched on top of a telephone pole), but it had an outrageous $420 price tag...
On Thursday night, we had a good time swimming together in the hotel pool, and walking out onto the deck, with the skyscrapers looming above. At the end of the day on Friday, I went to use the bathroom only to discover that the soap had run out. And then, while putting my Slave Leia cosplay back on, two of the four straps broke, leaving me to comically hold the pieces against my body while shuffling around the con floor in a thong, looking for a hand sanitizer station - so that I could then sit on the floor and finagle a workaround using some elastic hair bands and a couple of twisty ties (I did not come unprepared for contingencies, mind you).
Did I mention that this happened at the busiest part of the con, just outside the main hall, while the dance was going on? That was the moment that broke my usually unflappable composure. And for anyone who might be thinking, "come on, I bet you loved walking around the con in a thong!" - first of all, that's fair. But let this be a lesson to you: just because I think pushing the boundaries is a healthy expression of freedom (the moment we can't do that, we are no longer free), doesn't mean that I lack a social conscience (or at the very least, a self-preservation instinct). :-p
On a (somewhat) brighter note, I was out on the balcony trying to console a distraught teenager (one of two we had brought with us) on Saturday night, when a nearby couple offered a heartfelt reminiscence sparked by their recognition of my cosplay. They asked how long I'd been coming to Tekko (which is why I had the exact number on recall earlier in this report), because they remembered seeing me and my cohorts in our Sexy Pokemon group cosplay that year - which clearly made an indelible impression. Not everybody likes my body-positive approach to cosplay - and they don't have to - but I get enough positive attention to feel appreciated. And I'm proud to know that, at least in some people's minds, I've become something of an institution at the con. It makes me feel a little bit better about recycling my cosplays year after year. If it ain't broke...
Speaking of which, my new tail strap snapping shortly before the dance on Saturday night turned out to be serendipitous, because the replacement I'd brought (from a previous year, which was surprisingly still intact), while not an ideal length - it pushes the top of the tail against my back - was considerably more stable. Which served me well, given that while I was in the dance supervising the aforementioned teen (can't be too careful in an environment like that), I was pulled into the center of the dance circle and forced, against my will, to show off my moves. I tried my absolute hardest to avoid completely embarrassing myself, although I'm pretty sure I failed. You just can't walk into a rave dressed as Pikachu in a speedo and NOT expect to become the center of attention...
And if that sounds familiar, it's because it's happened before. But I can't help marveling at the contrast - looking back on previous years at Tekko, way before I even had another person to go with. I remember feeling lonely and left out during the rave. It's still not my scene, and I'll never be a social butterfly. But just to be standing in a different position today, going into that rave - not for myself, but in support of a young person on the verge of growing her wings - it puts things into perspective. I'm not a parent, but every once in a while I get to play the role just a little bit. It makes you feel important, and useful. Being young is difficult. Social forces are like a bubbling chaos. Everyone wants to be popular, but not everyone gets to be.
Yet when you become an adult - when you get to watch the next generation navigate those forces without being awash in them yourself - and especially when you have the opportunity to offer some guidance, none of that high school social status bullshit matters anymore. All that matters is what kind of person you are. And if you're a good person, having somebody admire you and depend on you, and in turn getting to see them for who they are and not how they rank on the social ladder... You just understand the difference between what's real and what's fake - and what's important. And that you're a part of it. Even if you never got to be before. It's comforting to have the reassurance of knowing that you have a meaningful and positive impact on another person's life. For all that it's worth.
I'm trying to express something profound here, and I think I'm failing to put it into words. So I'm just gonna close the book on this report. There are more stories that could be told, but they are as much other people's stories as mine.
This is my fifteenth Tekko in eighteen years (I missed a couple in the wake of COVID). I don't even go to panels anymore (if there are any good ones, I can't tell, because the schedule is a hot mess). I didn't get to see any AMVs this year (we had to leave early on Sunday, before the awards). My cosplays are becoming repetitive (although I still enjoy wearing them - and crafting new ones is hard). Even my pictures are losing their novelty. Yet, I still had a blast. I enjoyed myself thoroughly, even in the face of the occasional frustrations and disappointments (every con has highs and lows). After all these years, I still love going, and I still get depressed when it's over.
I'm grateful to have found others to share this experience with (including the next two generations) - although it's still hard to find people who can match the enthusiasm I have. Yes, it's tiring. It's expensive - absolutely (and in this economy, it hits harder than ever). And it can be stressful at times. But I never can understand why everybody is always in a hurry to get back home on Sunday. Or why they don't want to get there early on Thursday. I paid to be there. I've looked forward to it all year long. There's nowhere else I want to be. Come Monday morning, I'm lost and confused. I don't want to go back to everyday life. I just want to go back to the con! Which reminds me, it's time to book my ticket and get a locked-in rate on a hotel room for 2026!
As for new anime I've discovered this past year, I just finished watching a series called Orb: On The Movements of the Earth, which I thought was fantastic. It depicts the cultural shift in Europe during the transitional period between the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, as amateur astronomers pursuing the heliocentric theory are hunted relentlessly by the church. It's about the elegant beauty of science, the stubborn march of progress, and what it costs. It's about forbidden knowledge, the righteousness of truth, and the wickedness of society (especially religion, although secular indoctrination can accomplish the same ideological oppression) in protecting its own self-serving lies by committing barbarous atrocities without conscience or remorse, all in the name of control. It's something that anyone who's lived a life of oppression, hiding in fear of what would happen should the truth come out, can understand and appreciate.
I also had the great pleasure of watching an older series from the mid-oughts titled Monster, about a genius surgeon turned fugitive's dogged pursuit of a sociopathic killer whose life he unknowingly saved in the ER. It was also fantastic. I recommend it. (Just don't expect any fantasy elements that are teased by the show's title and aesthetic). I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Dandadan, an energetic new show that melds comedy, romance, and supernatural action, and has become an instant hit. And then there's Gushing Over Magical Girls, a clever new series that skirts the line between ecchi and full-on hentai. I'll admit that I was initially put off by the art style, but I'm glad I stuck with it. In this show, the protagonist is actually the villain - a girl who has a fetish for magical girls, and uses her powers (along with her cohorts) to trap the heroines in all manner of embarrassing and perverted situations. It's the best deconstruction of the magical girl genre since Madoka Magica!
You know what? I'm tired of the usual note-for-note format of these reports, so let me just describe some of the memorable highlights (and lowlights) of the weekend. Starting with the swag. As planned, I got a combat-ready foam lightsaber (green) for my Slave Leia cosplay. It took me a while to find the right booth in the Exhibition Hall - but I finally did. And their lightsabers were on sale, too! Although still very expensive. But I budgeted for it, and I'm happy with my purchase. I also bought a Lum figure, since I finally watched Urusei Yatsura (albeit the remake) this year. It's a good show, and I like the character (to say nothing of her excellent taste in fashion). For a tasty treat, in lieu of chocolate-covered gummy bears (which I did not see this year), I bought some mini buckeyes instead. I think I like them even better. I saw a Chii figure I absolutely adored (perched on top of a telephone pole), but it had an outrageous $420 price tag...
On Thursday night, we had a good time swimming together in the hotel pool, and walking out onto the deck, with the skyscrapers looming above. At the end of the day on Friday, I went to use the bathroom only to discover that the soap had run out. And then, while putting my Slave Leia cosplay back on, two of the four straps broke, leaving me to comically hold the pieces against my body while shuffling around the con floor in a thong, looking for a hand sanitizer station - so that I could then sit on the floor and finagle a workaround using some elastic hair bands and a couple of twisty ties (I did not come unprepared for contingencies, mind you).
Did I mention that this happened at the busiest part of the con, just outside the main hall, while the dance was going on? That was the moment that broke my usually unflappable composure. And for anyone who might be thinking, "come on, I bet you loved walking around the con in a thong!" - first of all, that's fair. But let this be a lesson to you: just because I think pushing the boundaries is a healthy expression of freedom (the moment we can't do that, we are no longer free), doesn't mean that I lack a social conscience (or at the very least, a self-preservation instinct). :-p
On a (somewhat) brighter note, I was out on the balcony trying to console a distraught teenager (one of two we had brought with us) on Saturday night, when a nearby couple offered a heartfelt reminiscence sparked by their recognition of my cosplay. They asked how long I'd been coming to Tekko (which is why I had the exact number on recall earlier in this report), because they remembered seeing me and my cohorts in our Sexy Pokemon group cosplay that year - which clearly made an indelible impression. Not everybody likes my body-positive approach to cosplay - and they don't have to - but I get enough positive attention to feel appreciated. And I'm proud to know that, at least in some people's minds, I've become something of an institution at the con. It makes me feel a little bit better about recycling my cosplays year after year. If it ain't broke...
Speaking of which, my new tail strap snapping shortly before the dance on Saturday night turned out to be serendipitous, because the replacement I'd brought (from a previous year, which was surprisingly still intact), while not an ideal length - it pushes the top of the tail against my back - was considerably more stable. Which served me well, given that while I was in the dance supervising the aforementioned teen (can't be too careful in an environment like that), I was pulled into the center of the dance circle and forced, against my will, to show off my moves. I tried my absolute hardest to avoid completely embarrassing myself, although I'm pretty sure I failed. You just can't walk into a rave dressed as Pikachu in a speedo and NOT expect to become the center of attention...
And if that sounds familiar, it's because it's happened before. But I can't help marveling at the contrast - looking back on previous years at Tekko, way before I even had another person to go with. I remember feeling lonely and left out during the rave. It's still not my scene, and I'll never be a social butterfly. But just to be standing in a different position today, going into that rave - not for myself, but in support of a young person on the verge of growing her wings - it puts things into perspective. I'm not a parent, but every once in a while I get to play the role just a little bit. It makes you feel important, and useful. Being young is difficult. Social forces are like a bubbling chaos. Everyone wants to be popular, but not everyone gets to be.
Yet when you become an adult - when you get to watch the next generation navigate those forces without being awash in them yourself - and especially when you have the opportunity to offer some guidance, none of that high school social status bullshit matters anymore. All that matters is what kind of person you are. And if you're a good person, having somebody admire you and depend on you, and in turn getting to see them for who they are and not how they rank on the social ladder... You just understand the difference between what's real and what's fake - and what's important. And that you're a part of it. Even if you never got to be before. It's comforting to have the reassurance of knowing that you have a meaningful and positive impact on another person's life. For all that it's worth.
I'm trying to express something profound here, and I think I'm failing to put it into words. So I'm just gonna close the book on this report. There are more stories that could be told, but they are as much other people's stories as mine.
01 June, 2025
Revisiting Moderation
Moderation isn't the product of bouncing between extremes, like a matter and antimatter particle canceling each other out. It's about the virtue of stability, dependability, and predictability. Not everyone considers these things virtues - and that's alright. But a person defined by polarity is not a poster child for moderation. I hitched my star to moderation because I define myself as even-keeled. My soul signature is "between", not "averaged out".
When I wrote (eight years ago [NSFW]), that "even moderation should be practiced in moderation", it wasn't to cancel moderation out, and thereby justify excess. To live (truly, that is) by the mantra "everything in moderation, including moderation" means that even your indulgences - which are human, and part of a balanced life - should be managed with a moderate temperament.
It acknowledges that, as humans, we are not perfectly balanced machines - which is okay - but that we should exert effort to balance even our imbalances, because doing so is good for us. This is certainly not a universal truth, and others may disagree. But if you do, then this is probably not the life philosophy for you. Using it to excuse extreme behaviors profanes the concept at its very heart, and borderlines on becoming an Orwellian construction - "indulgence is moderation." Why? because we must moderate our moderation? That's like tolerating the intolerant.
When I wrote (eight years ago [NSFW]), that "even moderation should be practiced in moderation", it wasn't to cancel moderation out, and thereby justify excess. To live (truly, that is) by the mantra "everything in moderation, including moderation" means that even your indulgences - which are human, and part of a balanced life - should be managed with a moderate temperament.
It acknowledges that, as humans, we are not perfectly balanced machines - which is okay - but that we should exert effort to balance even our imbalances, because doing so is good for us. This is certainly not a universal truth, and others may disagree. But if you do, then this is probably not the life philosophy for you. Using it to excuse extreme behaviors profanes the concept at its very heart, and borderlines on becoming an Orwellian construction - "indulgence is moderation." Why? because we must moderate our moderation? That's like tolerating the intolerant.
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