Self-Worth

Pride has thus far prevented me from internalizing my own self-identity as a person who is mentally handicapped. But I wonder if I wouldn't feel so much better about what I have, and less worse about what I don't, if I started thinking of myself as a high-functioning handicapped person, instead of a failure of a human being. I didn't fail at life - in fact I've done pretty well within my limitations, even if it's not up to the standards I've set for myself - I just came out broken, that's all.

And every point I have in my favor - my intelligence, my appearance, my upbringing - undermines my ability to visualize myself as disadvantaged. Yet, the fact that I've had so much going for me, and yet still struggle to perform some of the most basic tasks - even when I want desperately to perform them (which is to say that I am not simply lazy) - is more evidence that there is truly something seriously broken within me.

I've admitted that fact, to myself and to others - which was itself a long process. But I think that I still need to come to terms with it, to truly accept it. I lament that I didn't get help when I was younger, and I realize that that's a way for me to displace my fear of getting help even now. Because the only thing more terrifying to me than the thought of living the rest of my life the way I am, is the thought of what I'll have to do to get better. Especially doubtful as I am that the effort would even bear fruit. Why torture myself for a shot in the dark? But that rationalization is part of my illness, too.