23 July, 2008

Morbid Satisfaction (or Jesus, Fuck You)

Despite being a pathetic loner who can't handle interacting with other people, I spend a lot of time wishing I wasn't so lonely and thinking of ways I could have a more satisfying social life - and how to get more girls into my life, by god. The first time I ever got a girlfriend was through a chat room, and the overall experience was one that I decided I never wanted to repeat. So it doesn't make me feel very good about myself that I've actually entertained thoughts of lifting my personal ban on web chat just to find some companionship - romantic or otherwise.

I've never seriously considered the use of dating sites, because I'm too shy to advertise myself for a date, and the very idea of communicating with people, regardless of the fact that what I ultimately want is to have people I can communicate with, terrifies me. And besides, I feel like there are other problems in my life that need to be cleared up before I can be passed off as a "reasonable option". But do I have to be well-adjusted just to get a date? Don't psychos deserve some loving too? I feel like making a deep and intimate connection with a person would go a long way toward lifting me out of my pathetic state of affairs, but since when has the dating pool been hospitable to "fixer-uppers"?

I feel like I wanna find other people that are as radical as I am. But that's a tough job. I mean, where do you go to find other people that are afraid of people? How can I expect to meet a person who prefers a nocturnal lifestyle who isn't also into all sorts of unsavory activities that I have no interest in? People misunderstand me a lot, particularly from the stoner angle, and that means my type is very rare - people aren't used to seeing it. So how can I possibly hope to find another person like me?

I like the idea behind eHarmony - even if it's a scam in actuality (try typing in eHarmoney.com if you don't believe me) - the idea of finding a soulmate based on non-superficial compatibility components, from a pool of people much larger than you could meet in your localized part of the world. It sounds like magic - and that's what the commercials pass it off as. But I often joke with myself (a dry sort of humor) that there's nobody in this world that would be fully compatible with me on an intimate, romantic level.

And I've considered proving that point. But thus far, it hasn't been worth the effort/anxiety of actually getting involved. But I was reading up on eHarmony, and I found out that some people are completely turned down after filling out the questionnaire, because they have certain kinds of personality profiles that make it impossible for the system to match them up with other people. As soon as I heard this, I knew that I would end up being one of those difficult-to-match people. And so I went through the grueling and time-consuming questionnaire, answering the questions as honestly as possible, and sure enough, at the end, I got the rejection screen!

So I'm filled with a sense of morbid satisfaction - a kind of validation, that it's really as difficult for me as I make it out to be. But at the same time, it's obviously depressing. I just can't see any way of me not living out my life as a loner. I'd have a chance if I became weller-adjusted, but when I think of the time and effort in "rehabilitation" required to make me "normal", in addition to pessimistic considerations of the success rate of such an endeavor, there's just no chance for me. I'm a lost cause. The game was over the moment I was born.

So the question I ask myself is this: if you can't see any possible way of getting the things you want in life, and you don't even particularly feel like you deserve them in the first place, what's the point in living? I'm still much too attached to life - however disappointing it is - to even consider any other alternative, but I have to say that my appreciation for those people who choose to end theirs only increases as the years go by. And my tolerance for Jesus freaks and uber-happy people who say that everything is fine and that God will set everything straight if you just let him into your life decreases even faster. You know those signs and graffiti you see a lot, that say "Jesus loves you"? Well, I saw a picture of a graffiti'd sign recently that was modified to say "Jesus, fuck you". I think I like that one a little better.


  1. In related news, Garfield Minus Garfield is still the most genius comic ever (re)invented!


  2. Personally I think your lust for companionship is misplaced -- people have virtually nothing to offer people like you and me. It only seems like they do at a distance, like a mirrage. But of course that's JUST ME. I've been through several dating sites and no luck has befallen me, in accordance with the universe's decision that I shall forever be mercilessly brutalized by the opposite sex for cosmic blasphemies I have committed in a past life. That's why I started commiting cosmic blasphemies in this life, since I figure I'm already being punished for them...

    There's a website for Mt. Lebanon singles that you should check out. It rules. 'Course they rejected my application. Probably because I said I don't like fat chicks.

    Honestly though, I don't think your kind is as rare as you may think. There aren't nearly as many stoners in the world as *I* would like to think. There are countless straight-edge nocturnal anime watchers out there... I can introduce you to a couple at Penn State if you want. They're dudes though. Well, there's a couple chicks but they have boyfriends and are unattractive. That is to say, if "the stoner angle" is what you were pinpointing as the divergence between you and others.

    I too am considered unmatchable by E-Harmony's standards. And I've always felt like kin to Yossarian's view of God in Catch-22, a maniacal retarded sadist child who ought to be beaten mercilessly should one of us ever meet Him.

  3. Lol, Peter Griffin wearing a shirt that says "no fat chicks".

    Not so sure if Mt. Lebanon singles are really what I'm looking for. Maybe my lack of faith in the area is misplaced, but the doubt is there nonetheless. In any case, to me, Mt. Lebanon is high school kids. And families with high school kids. I'm not saying I have no interest in high school girls, but that sort of thing is less based on companionship, which is really what I'm looking for.

    And it doesn't matter how pessimistic you (specifically) are about love, or how unlucky I end up being in the long run; I've had love once and I would give up everything else in the world to have it again. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

  4. Yeah, but there's a highschool graduating class every year. So I can't imagine there's a lack of post-highschool-age people here.

  5. Graduation --> College for four years --> Graduate School, or job, most likely somewhere else, since MtL is a high school town and doesn't have many options for non-high school students and non-families with high school students.