Morbid Satisfaction (or Jesus, Fuck You)

Despite being a pathetic loner who can't handle interacting with other people, I spend a lot of time wishing I wasn't so lonely and thinking of ways I could have a more satisfying social life - and how to get more girls into my life, by god. The first time I ever got a girlfriend was through a chat room, and the overall experience was one that I decided I never wanted to repeat. So it doesn't make me feel very good about myself that I've actually entertained thoughts of lifting my personal ban on web chat just to find some companionship - romantic or otherwise.

I've never seriously considered the use of dating sites, because I'm too shy to advertise myself for a date, and the very idea of communicating with people, regardless of the fact that what I ultimately want is to have people I can communicate with, terrifies me. And besides, I feel like there are other problems in my life that need to be cleared up before I can be passed off as a "reasonable option". But do I have to be well-adjusted just to get a date? Don't psychos deserve some loving too? I feel like making a deep and intimate connection with a person would go a long way toward lifting me out of my pathetic state of affairs, but since when has the dating pool been hospitable to "fixer-uppers"?

I feel like I wanna find other people that are as radical as I am. But that's a tough job. I mean, where do you go to find other people that are afraid of people? How can I expect to meet a person who prefers a nocturnal lifestyle who isn't also into all sorts of unsavory activities that I have no interest in? People misunderstand me a lot, particularly from the stoner angle, and that means my type is very rare - people aren't used to seeing it. So how can I possibly hope to find another person like me?

I like the idea behind eHarmony - even if it's a scam in actuality (try typing in eHarmoney.com if you don't believe me) - the idea of finding a soulmate based on non-superficial compatibility components, from a pool of people much larger than you could meet in your localized part of the world. It sounds like magic - and that's what the commercials pass it off as. But I often joke with myself (a dry sort of humor) that there's nobody in this world that would be fully compatible with me on an intimate, romantic level.

And I've considered proving that point. But thus far, it hasn't been worth the effort/anxiety of actually getting involved. But I was reading up on eHarmony, and I found out that some people are completely turned down after filling out the questionnaire, because they have certain kinds of personality profiles that make it impossible for the system to match them up with other people. As soon as I heard this, I knew that I would end up being one of those difficult-to-match people. And so I went through the grueling and time-consuming questionnaire, answering the questions as honestly as possible, and sure enough, at the end, I got the rejection screen!

So I'm filled with a sense of morbid satisfaction - a kind of validation, that it's really as difficult for me as I make it out to be. But at the same time, it's obviously depressing. I just can't see any way of me not living out my life as a loner. I'd have a chance if I became weller-adjusted, but when I think of the time and effort in "rehabilitation" required to make me "normal", in addition to pessimistic considerations of the success rate of such an endeavor, there's just no chance for me. I'm a lost cause. The game was over the moment I was born.

So the question I ask myself is this: if you can't see any possible way of getting the things you want in life, and you don't even particularly feel like you deserve them in the first place, what's the point in living? I'm still much too attached to life - however disappointing it is - to even consider any other alternative, but I have to say that my appreciation for those people who choose to end theirs only increases as the years go by. And my tolerance for Jesus freaks and uber-happy people who say that everything is fine and that God will set everything straight if you just let him into your life decreases even faster. You know those signs and graffiti you see a lot, that say "Jesus loves you"? Well, I saw a picture of a graffiti'd sign recently that was modified to say "Jesus, fuck you". I think I like that one a little better.