05 November, 2016

My Case

I don't need everyone to be like me. I just want them to give me space to be myself, instead of forcing me to be like them. But there's something else. I know I'm eccentric. I'm an outlier. It's probably difficult for most people to understand me. And they don't have to. Not completely. I just would really like it for people to view me as somebody interesting. Somebody with a unique perspective. Who looks at things in intriguingly novel ways. I want that kind of respect and admiration, even more than understanding. I want that, instead of being viewed as an anomaly, a failed experiment, an inexplicably-impaired head case. My psyche can't handle that alternative. But it's beyond my powers to "become normal" just to satisfy the majority. I can only be me. Yet I can't stand the idea of the world hating me the way I hate them...


  1. Well I sure see you that way, Z. You've had an interested perspective since I was a child and you would grill me on philosophical concepts. I was like 7 years old and you would be telling me how whatever the majority believe is true, becomes reality. And you'd ask what changed to cause the shift when, say, the Earth went from the center of the universe to orbiting the sun. Instilling that kind of critical thinking in me at such a young age... it no doubt made me into the critical thinker I am today, and critical thinking is the only real skill I have. I could never have become me without your unique take on the universe "and believe me, my admiration for you hasn't died." The opinion of an outlier is often more valuable (both to me personally, and as a general concept or rule) than the opinion of someone within the bell curve because opinions within the normal distribution have been impacted upon by similar biases, which unfortunately cause them to often unknowingly mislead each other into perpetuating what otherwise would be obvious delusions. Like, say, God. The opinion of an outlier is needed as an invaluable control group.

    As for how to make the world see you that way? Well, the universe isn't so nice of a place for us to get those kinds of things. Most people don't even get to do the Brady Bunch version of what they want. But writing is a good start. You could maybe focus on punching up your essays. Instead of maybe just blogging what is essentially a very well-formatted stream of consciousness (which isn't a knock on you, that's what blogging is intended to be), you could decide on a particular plan of action or set of topics and write, then rewrite, then rewrite your chosen topics until they are flawless. I know you've got many potential theses ripe for the picking. Your end goal could be self-publishing on Amazon (if you haven't already done that... wouldn't be surprised if you've self-published some literotica before!) Just a suggestion, of course.

  2. Thank you! That definitely verifies what I'd like to believe about myself. But being a legend in one's own mind is one thing. I don't want to even care what other people think, but I can't really help it - it's part of the human condition. I want to be a legend in everybody's mind! Lol. I'm not an egomaniac, I swear.

    Writing is one of those things that I apparently have a talent for, but I really just do not enjoy doing. The only classes I hated more than English in school were Social Studies (cringe) and Gym (and ironically, I enjoy playing sports now!). The worst part was the endless revisions. They drove me crazy. And let's not even get into peer review. As a photographer, I'm at a phase where I'm feeling like I really need feedback from an audience (and not just the echo chamber I've gotten used to), because if I ever want to make anything significant, I have to find a balance between my artistic vision, and what other people actually like/want to see.

    But that's an aside. The only reason I've been able to get used to writing as a blogger is because the stream of consciousness approach is so painless. I mean, sometimes I do spend a lot of time rewriting entries to improve them (more so on my other blog(s), and not this one). But that's always so draining. It's bad enough that I overanalyze everything I think about, but when I end up with multiple drafts, each one with different things I like, and no clear way to tie them all together...it's maddening.

    Anyway. I'd love to write a book. No, let me rephrase that. I'd love to have written a book. I swear to God, I don't understand how people write books. I enjoy short stories/essays because you can sit down, write them, and be done. The few times I've tried to write longer pieces I end up just writing until I get bored and have to put it down (to eat, or sleep, or whatever). And then it's hard to pick it back up. And keep track of something too big to see all at one glance! (That's the main obstacle holding up my RPG Maker games). It amazes me that there are people out there - not even world class professional authors, but just people trying to make it and build a following - who can pump out stories with hundreds of pages, one after another. I feel like maybe it's a skill or a proclivity I don't have.

    But I guess you can't get anything good out of life without struggle and effort. I've come to a conclusion about what it means to work. I used to believe in the fantasy of finding a fulfilling job doing something you love. But that's not how it works. Work is doing something unpleasant that somebody would rather pay you money for than do themselves. And these people who work hard and earn lots of money and buy private islands? They can't even hardly enjoy them because they're always working to afford them. Maybe they'll have a nice retirement, but that's only after giving decades of their lives to their work. So if I can't have anything like that, because I haven't earned it, then at least I should feel content with my mediocre, borderline poverty-stricken life, because I don't have to work my hands to the bone day in and day out. God knows there are people out there who do, and still have a shitty life.

    Well, I guess I've just proved the downfalls of stream of consciousness writing, lol.

  3. Can't agree with you more about the poverty stricken life. I've tried to devise ways where I can work like 1 day a week. Like if I could eat dog food.

  4. Lol. Try "Price First" brand foods. They're flavorless. They don't even waste money on packaging.

  5. Interesting. I will definitely look into this.

    Once I pay my house off (in 30 years??) I can try being a true ascetic, as I always planned. I can get a library card and entertain myself by reading books via sunlight. Gettin' drunk on the weekends off of cheap, strong whisky. Eating flavorless food. Sounds like kind of an awesome fuckin' life if you ask me. I'll need money for water and for food, and some soap I guess. Not sure I'll need much else. I can load an ipod up with all my music and then go over to Eat N Park to charge it. 'Cause life without music... well that wouldn't be life.

  6. Lol, I can picture you living in a house by sunlight, without electricity - like Chuck in Better Call Saul (just finished watching the first season).

    Scott sent me a link to an interesting article about a guy who pulled up his roots and started living in a camper van. I'm guessing you don't want to give up your house now that you've gotten it, but there's some interesting stuff in there about getting by without utilities - like using store restrooms, and showering at the gym. Might be an interesting read for you. http://syntheti.cc/van-build/