Anxiety Mosquitos

Growing up, I was the quiet kid. Still am, in fact. I've learned how to express myself when I feel sufficiently motivated only after decades of life experience. But I'm still more likely to do it in the impersonal forum of social media than in real life. And although I overanalyze my words before posting them, I am always racked with shame and self-doubt after the fact. And I still can't decide whether my fears are founded - that maybe I have a rude and argumentative personality, and that I'm better off keeping my mouth shut, and that maybe that's why God cursed me with anxiety in the first place - or if it's just my social anxiety talking. Because I know the value of speaking up, from years of experience not being able to. And I want my voice to be counted among the others (many of which are not half as worthwhile as mine would be even if my worst fears were founded, yet nothing shuts them up because they don't have anxiety or very much self-awareness). I know it deserves to be. I try not to be rude, but I am sensitive - far more than I like. And if I'm argumentative, it's because I see the many ways this world is designed to cause people to suffer, and I want it to change, and sometimes it's the people themselves that are contributing to the propagation of their own suffering (or carelessly hurting others to make themselves feel better). I can't just happily kill time talking about the things I like in the world, because I'm constantly thinking about obstacles in the way of my happiness. I want to believe I'm a good person. But it's hard when a voice inside my head is constantly telling me that I suck. And as much as I wish I could just write it off, there's that other voice behind that one warning me that it might just be my conscience, and that if I shut it off, I would certainly become the bad person I'm trying so hard not to be. And so the cycle continues.

Pandemic Blues

I don't look at it in terms of, "how much normality can be preserved?" but more, "how much normality am I able to sacrifice?" And I don't understand why we're so attached to celebrating a holiday in a certain way, that we can't give that up, even just for one year out of our whole lives. You could probably go out trick-or-treating, wearing a mask, and socially distancing, and be okay. That's just not the issue, the way I look at it. The issue is, is this something we have to do? And if we do it, are we taking risks that we don't need to be taking? Masks and social distancing are measures we use to reduce risk - when we otherwise have to go out and be around other people. Limiting social interactions and staying at home are other things we can do. Just because we have masks, and stay 6 ft apart (which is really not necessarily far enough in all cases), doesn't mean that everything else can just go back to normal. Those are measures you use when you have to go out - like to work, or to buy groceries. And I'm not saying you can't get fresh air, either. But you go to a park that's not crowded, on a normal day. The very idea of an activity that involves massive portions of the population all going out within the same hour on the same day and crossing paths and knocking on doors, in the midst of a pandemic? This is exactly the sort of thing we need to be sacrificing, for the common good - like conventions and concerts and spectator sports.

COVID-19 isn't a terrorist. It's not a sentient human being. You can't fight it by going out and living a normal life and showing it that you're not afraid. That just reeks of entitlement to me. I've lived my entire life with debilitating social anxiety. I know what it's like to miss out. I feel like I've missed out on most of life - hanging out with friends growing up, going to parties, girlfriends, and then getting a normal job, raising kids. I've been extremely lucky to have a little bit of all of that (well, most of it), and I've learned to (mostly) be content with that, because it's as much as I can expect from life. But I've spent too many days of my life depressed at home, alone, thinking about everything I'm missing out on. And now we're in a pandemic, where that skill of being able to stay home, isolated, and miss out on things, is exactly what people need, what society needs. And yet I look around and see all these people who have always gotten everything they wanted out of life, spoiled and entitled and unable to make the sort of sacrifices I've had to make all my life, for just maybe one year - hell, they couldn't even do it much longer than a month!

I suppose I should be sympathetic, because it's not an easy thing to do, and I have an unfair advantage for once. But it seems like people aren't even trying. And I feel alone, not in the way we're supposed to right now, but in the way that it's almost like I'm the only one having to endure this pandemic right now, while everybody else around me just goes on with their lives, humoring me because I'm a germophobe or something. I don't want people to be miserable, and to miss out on everything. I just want the feeling of solidarity, like I'm not in this alone, and that I'm not being crazy because I'm going too far. From the beginning, I've honored the idea that in a pandemic, if you're doing all the right things, in hindsight it'll look like you're doing too much, but if you're not, it'll only ever be not enough. And I look at the state of the world right now, and particularly the country, and I can't believe people think things are okay the way we're going. It hasn't gotten better since March. It's just kept getting steadily worse. Once there's a vaccine, and numbers actually start going down, then I won't resent people insisting on being able to crowd into bars to drink on the weekends (because they've earned it). But we're not quite there yet, and I want to see us working together to weather this storm until we are, not resenting every little sacrifice we're asked to make, and then turning it into some political squabble or conspiracy theory.

Bubbles

I have, in the past, been accused of living in a bubble. First, while growing up in a nice, suburban community. And again, while attending a small liberal arts college. But while modern society is more connected than ever, thanks to the internet, I believe we are all living inside of bubbles - the walls of which are formed by the people we follow on social media. Before COVID-19, I'd never been in the habit of regularly watching the news, because it is frequently depressing, and I am more concerned with running my own life, than the affairs of others I have no influence over. But social media fulfills a purpose for me, both personally and professionally.

Personally, it affords me the opportunity to engage in an indirect form of socialization that is easier for me than face-to-face interaction. Because although I have social anxiety, I am still human, and humans are social creatures; no man is an island, as they say. Furthermore, it provides a level of intellectual stimulation (sadly, less from mutual interaction than just as a medium for expressing my thoughts) that my mind demands and is hard to satisfy by the lack of company I tend to cultivate around me (for my own comfort) - especially these days, while I'm hunkered down in isolation. And, professionally, it acts as a platform to grow my brand and advertise my business. It's not something I can easily just walk away from, even if I want to.

So, while it's easier than ever to stay abreast of current events, those events are frequently filtered through the opinions of others. Even news outlets are more than likely to hold some kind of bias. I hear about movements and scandals from the reactions of others - memes and trending topics - before I even know the facts of the situation, which are so hard to find. And how many other people are shaping their own reactions based on this incomplete picture? (This is all the more dangerous in a #cancelculture). And then we only ever hear the opinions of the voices that reach into our bubble. I believe this is a significant cause of the growing schism in our culture. I also believe it is an inevitable symptom of democracy, which is dying a slow death. When everyone has a voice, how do we decide which voices hold the most value? Is it only the ones we agree with? I increasingly feel the need for more context within which to digest the information I am bombarded with on a daily basis. Is it any wonder nobody knows who or what to believe anymore?