Pretty & Sexy

There are a lot of things in my mind that I'd love to discuss but I refrain from on account of avoiding controversy. Like, for example, the feminist implications of The Runaways' short career (specifically, the politics of sexuality as it relates to the different approaches to feminism). And I love controversy. But while I love to revel in it when it's produced by others, I'm more hesitant to produce it myself, because of the risk of attracting negative attention from others (something I'm not too fond of). And yet, a lot of what I do is already pretty controversial. You'd think I'd be immune to those fears by now.

The dilemma I face at this moment involves the potential (imagined?) conflict between my admiration of pretty girls, and my interest in the sensual, erotic side of life. And this has implications that go beyond me being afraid to add a pretty girl as a contact on flickr, for fear of scaring her away when (if) she finds out I am an erotic/nude photographer. This is the curse of every softcore pornographer - too tainted to charm the more sophisticated elements of society, yet too pure to be satisfied consorting with only the perverted bottomfeeders (I refer to this dilemma more generally as "The Unhappy Medium", which haunts my life). Here the impact of sex negativism can be felt clearly. If we had a healthy, positive attitude towards sex, then sensual individuals would more readily be judged based on their character, rather than on the simple fact that they embrace sensuality (as opposed to shunning and shaming it, as any decent person would do).

Maybe I am, once again, overreacting. My approach to sensuality is very clearly unique, and distinct from (and more sophisticated than) the usual, basic one that is most often assumed (that is, insensitive animal lust). And yet, from a glance or two - a first impression - how easy is that to glean? In fact, the "purest" and most "innocent" elements of society don't even make the distinction between tasteful sensuality and perverted filth - it's one and the same. Are these, then, people that I have no business associating with, in the first place? Ah yes, that's the easy answer. But what if they're pretty? What if they're beautiful? As an aesthetic artist, I cannot simply ignore such a thing. And the rarer and prettier the pearl, the stronger the desire to shine it. How does a nude photographer approach a pretty girl and ask her to pose for him (not necessarily nude)? While I'd enjoy taking sexy photographs of sexy girls, and pretty photographs of pretty girls, I want more than anything else to take sexy photographs of pretty girls.

On a related topic, I've been very interested in Lolita fashion lately (ever since the con). And I say "related" because any self-respecting Lolita would be appalled to find their fashion mentioned in the context of a post containing the word "sexy" in its title (barring the all-too-common ironic exceptions in the form of public denial). And no, I'm not backing out on my support of the tenet that Lolita fashion is nonsexual. In fact, it's the modesty that, perhaps in some twisted way, attracts me to it. (Not like that, jeez). But the issue comes up that some people might be offended by my interest in Lolita fashion, on account of the fact that I actually thought Nabokov's Lolita (in no way affiliated with the fashion, except in name only) was a brilliant - and even partly sexy - novel. And the fact that, while I don't exactly broadcast it (at least not in direct terms), I'm not actually offended by animated lolicon. (And if you don't know what that means, you probably don't want to). Or even just the simple fact that I am a man, and thus my interest in women's fashion is suspect (of perverted motives), by default (because if a man has an interest in girly things, it must be because he gets a sick sexual thrill out of it (by the way, are there any healthy sexual thrills?), and not because he might actually identify with girly things (then again, a man who identifies with girly things is abnormal anyway)). Yes, I am a pervert, and I am not ashamed to admit it, but not everything I do is perverted. I'm capable of keeping separate things separate, I'm just not so certain that others are capable of seeing it that way.

Even so, the question of attraction comes up. Are [heterosexual] males normally attracted to prettiness in girls? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think so. Are they sexually attracted to prettiness, or is that a different aspect of the attraction? Regardless, it is an aspect of the overall attraction. So why should pretty things not be sexual? Not to say that we should eliminate the line between them - pretty is pretty and sexy is sexy and they each have a distinct appeal. But can they not be combined favorably in some instances? I would say certainly! Observe:


Meet sexy (Yoko), and pretty (Nia). Now certainly, pretty girls can be sexy, and sexy girls can be pretty, but the best girls are the ones who are sexy & pretty, simultaneously:


Chii is, in my opinion, the epitome of the pretty + sexy girl. Of course, some may argue that Chii is simply pretty + lots of exposed skin, and not the sexy archetype - which might well be true. But "sexy" means different things to different people, and exposed skin is sexy to me (very sexy), provided the skin being exposed belongs to a pretty girl. :3 I don't hate T&A, but the stereotypical way they are presented almost seems to me a "masculine" presentation of sexuality. I'm turned on by a more delicate, feminine presentation of sexuality. Which is why Chii's pretty face, beautiful hair, soft skin, and long legs (frequently bared), attract me more than the lumps on the front or back of her body (not that I don't like them, mind you). And her gentle personality completes the package, turning her into an object of love, not simply lust, for me.

We've been skirting around the very similar issue of cute vs. sexy, here, and I know someone who will certainly say that cute = sexy. There is truth to that statement. I think, much like the feminine vs. "masculine" presentation of sexuality discussed above, it's a matter of taste. I've always been more attracted to cute features than outright "sexy" features. And, as it turns out, cuteness is more often associated with youthfulness, while sexiness is considered an "adult" trait. I believe that a lot of this has to do with social constructs - the fact that sex is an "adult" activity, and thus only adults are allowed to be sexy, and saying that a non-adult is sexy is politically incorrect - but it's also true that there is a physical quality to youthfulness that has a specific appeal, unrivaled by the appeals of age (subjectively speaking, at least).

The problem with saying that youthfulness is sexy, is that people will start asking, well, how young is too young? There is a too young, right? Right? All I can say about that is, different people have different preferences. And as long as we are talking about appreciating beauty (whether it's cuteness, prettiness, or sexiness), there's no logic behind labeling what sort of objects (I'm sorry, subjects) are allowed (or ought) to be appreciated, and which aren't. Aesthetic admiration is an involuntary emotional reaction, and policing it means putting restriction on thought - especially spontaneous thought that can't really be controlled. Not only is this a gross miscarriage of justice and basic liberty, but, thankfully, it's impossible to enforce (at least for the time being).

Where I'm going with this is, I don't see any point in punishing somebody for admiring beauty in another person. When I look at a pretty girl on flickr who places a clear statement against "perverts" in her profile, it makes me feel bad for being a sensual being that happens to find her to be attractive. Again, maybe I don't fit that profile of the run-of-the-mill "pervert", but I'm not exactly Mother Mary, either. This is exactly like the old pseudo-feminist ploy of trying to convince the world that when a man finds a woman attractive, it's a form of rape. Hopefully, anyone with reason will agree that this is ridiculous, but it doesn't eliminate the conflict between the sexually "tainted" and the attractively "pure". And when I say that, I don't mean that these girls are attractive because they're "pure" (I don't define real purity based on sexual experience), but that they happen to be attractive and "pure", thus making that attraction some kind of assault against their "purity".

So I'm probably making a big deal about this, but the bottom line is that I don't want to feel guilty for thinking a girl is pretty. There are sexy things in life that I enjoy, and there are pretty things in life that I enjoy, and I don't want to feel like I can't enjoy them both, whether combined or separate (as the individual occasion merits). Yet I don't want to offend the sensibilities of one or the other. Of course, if I was not suffering from social anxiety, I could just send this girl (who is old enough to drink, and is married, by the way) a friendly flickr mail, proving that I am a gentleman and not just another of the countless creepy perverts that are allegedly out there, and then wait for a response instead of agonizing over how I might be judged, and assuming the worst case scenario. But then, you wouldn't have gotten the chance to read this post about my winding thoughts regarding aesthetics and sexual politics. You see, I suffer for you!

(On the other hand, I like talking about pretty girls, because it makes me feel good inside. Almost as good as when I get to look at them. Have another picture of Chii:)

Tekko '10 (Spoils)

Let's jump back to the Dealer's Room on Saturday afternoon at the con, where I made my purchases. But first, I'll tell you a secret. I had a gift card I've been trying to get rid of ever since Christmas. I brought it with me, hoping I'd be able to use it, and it worked swimmingly. As such, since I was eager to use the gift card up rather than hold onto it indefinitely (which is what I was doing with it by that point), I actually had something of a nice budget to blow at the Dealer's Room. Thus I ended up buying considerably more than I would have bought had I not had that gift card, but I'm completely satisfied with how that turned out.


One of the things I had thought of before the con to look for when I got there was a school uniform. You can call me whatever names you want, but I was inspired by the idea of hanging one up on my wall (no, I wasn't actually planning on wearing it :p). There were two problems with that plan, though. First, is the concern I have about cosplay fabrics, which seem cheaper and faker than what they use for real clothes (which kind of irks me, because I think "costumes" look better when they actually look like clothes and not costumes). The other problem was that, of the serafuku cosplay I spied in the Dealer's Room, they were all alternative colors or styles, and not the classic blue/white/red ribbon style that I'm looking for. Not to say that I don't like those other styles, but for my purposes, it's supposed to serve as a symbol, and as such, it should be the most iconic style.


Anyway, in place of that, I ended up buying a serafuku pillow that I spotted instead, which is similar, and quite cute. I'm really impressed with it.


The shiny red bow is reminiscent of the sailor senshi's uniforms.


Look, it even has pantsu!


And to save you the trouble of asking, yes, it's a DFC pillow. -_^

As for my other purchases, I bought all of four figures, all of them larger than the capsule/trading type that I focused on last year. Since I kind of ended up overdosing on Eva figures last year, I restricted myself to just one Asuka figure this year, which I like, although it's not the one I saw last year that I regret not buying (since it was kind of expensive).




It's a very nice figure, featuring Asuka in an attractive ground sit pose, with her civilian clothes modestly disheveled, and a suggestion of wind blowing through her hair. On her face is painted a look of slight melancholy. This is a figure that tells a story. You can't help wondering what set of circumstances led her to be in this condition.


Pantsu Check:


Pantsu? Check!

The figure also comes with a box of combat rations, which includes some sort of crackers and a lump of "crystal sugar". I can't decide whether to eat them or save them for the Second Impact...




One of the other figures I bought was a Nagi in a white swimsuit, likely a result of my being inspired by watching Kannagi earlier in the day.



When I asked the vendor for the price, he offered to open the box and take out the (wrapped) pieces so I could inspect them. As he pointed out, there is a very faint blush on the goddess' cheeks which is hard to see on the box art. It enhances the erotic effect of the figure.


A close inspection of Nagi's bust (like you could resist :p) reveals that she is probably not as flat as she is supposed to be, but the inflation is minimal, and not outside my standards of acceptability, thus I will refrain from lodging a complaint.


I'm happy with this figure, even though it's a little out of character (a large part of Nagi's charm is her whimsical mischievousness). Also, I'm particularly fond of Nagi's distinctive regular outfit, even down to the boots, and would love to have another figure with her in those clothes. Maybe someday.

I saw three different Nia (from Gurren Lagann) figures that I liked, but I ended up going for the standard one rather than either the swimsuit or maid figure, based purely on the fact that she was the only one of the three who had the longer hairstyle that I prefer.



It's still a cute outfit, though, and all the elements of her style are there - from the psychedelic eyes and puffy blue-yellow hair, to her pink clothes, and the flower in her hair. Very girly. Just the way I like her. :3



I'll admit, though I liked her character from the start anyway, I've grown more attached to her than I would have otherwise, considering that I sleep with her in my bed every night. ;-) Speaking of which, I saw a few dakimakura at one of the booths, including a tempting Nia one, but they were half the size of the one I have (at most), and being official products, not quite as naked. ;-)

Pantsu Check:


Pantsu? Check!

The last of the figures I bought is a fully posable Tohsaka Rin (queen of the zettai ryouiki), from the Fraulein Revoltech line. If I hadn't picked up the box for closer inspection at the last minute before deciding on another purchase, I wouldn't have noticed it was a posable figure (now I'm wondering if those Rei and Asuka figures I saw from the same line were posable too), and wouldn't have thought to buy it.


The idea of being able to pose a figure takes me back to the days of my childhood when I actually played with my toys, rather than just stare at them and drool. Not that the two approaches aren't compatible.




Rin comes with a magic blade, and four different pairs of changeable hands, including one pair with her holding her magic gems between her fingers. The addition of a posing stand is convenient, so you can stabilize the figure even in the midst of unbalanced action poses.



Playing around with her is fun, though she has quite the habit of falling apart. Adjusting an arm frequently leads to reattaching that arm, and I even had Rin's back come off at one point.


(I couldn't resist.)
It's all quite put-back-together-able, and I presume that's how it's supposed to be, but correct me if I'm wrong, because I've played with posable toys before that don't have a habit of falling apart. In any case, it's pretty neat - I mean, even Rin's twintails are posable!


Perfect for indicating motion.

Pantsu Check:


Pantsu?


Check! Actually, I had to split her in two to get the last of the plastic sheets off of her, and her stomach is nicely detailed. Bonus points for that, since it's an area that really isn't meant to be exposed on this figure.

In addition to the above figures, I bought three Chobits "posters", which are actually done in that nice pencil board material, though they are the size of small posters and not your typical smaller pencil board. They are three very nice designs, including the one I described as "Heaven" in a blog entry from almost a year ago. Since the material is sort of translucent, the "posters" look very nice backlit, such as against a window.




(My window doesn't produce a whole lot of light...)
I know I said I didn't have any room left for this kind of thing, but these looked just too good for me to pass up (and considering how I feel about Chii...). I didn't even see them at first, because they were hanging low off the front of the booth of one of the vendors, below my vision. That was a good booth. They had some nice figures and t-shirts and buttons and posters, and one of the guys working behind it, a Japanese guy, recognized my Behelit (one of only two people) and described to me some rare Berserk merchandise. He also told me these Chobits "posters" were rare. I believe it. They're very nice.

And while we're speaking of vendors, I saved the receipts from my purchases this year, so I can actually tell who I bought my stuff from. I mention this because last year I wrote about how nice the one vendor was whom I bought the majority of my Eva not-so-blind box figures from, but I had no idea what store he represented. Well, the same guy was there again this year, and he's the one I bought my Rin, Nia, and Asuka figures from. And he was representing Kyoto Anime. So now you know. And now I think I'll get back to playing with my toys.

Tekko '10 (Aside: Cosplay Photography)

The main attraction of an anime convention for me is the people. Some go to a convention for the celebrities, but I go to a convention for the people. Of course, being an antisocial loner, I don't mean that I actually interact with the people, I just like watching them. And while there are stereotypes about otaku and geeks in general, the truth is, there are as many attractive people at an anime convention as there are anywhere else (except places that specifically attract attractive people - like a supermodel convention, for example :3). It helps that the demographic is relatively young, too.

And the special benefit of an anime convention is the cosplay. Cosplay can be exciting because you get to see your favorite characters (if you're an anime fan) imitated in 3D (yes, I know 2D > 3D, but that doesn't mean 3D doesn't have its own unique appeal :p). Plus - and there may be some people who don't want to hear this, but - there are a lot of fetish elements in anime cosplay. And when I say that, I don't necessarily mean that in the context of raw sexuality - although there's that, too. I'm just saying, there's a whole lot to admire.

So while sitting around, watching all the people in interesting costumes go by, I got to thinking about beauty. In my mind, there exists an abstract form of ideal beauty. When I look at a person, I might notice an element here or there that reflects that ideal form of beauty - but it's just an element. In most cases, the more I look, the more I see the other elements that person possesses that clash with the ideal form my mind is seeking. Some people have more of the ideal elements than others, and those are the people my gaze is drawn toward more strongly. It is rare, but every so often my eyes will light upon a figure whose combination of elements is so perfect, that no matter how long I look, I cannot find a flaw. When I discover such an image of divine beauty rendered in earthly flesh, I am overcome by a feeling of great weight. I would drop to the ground and bow before this goddess if only she would acknowledge me, if only she would let me be close to her, if only she would allow me to admire her (and if only I wouldn't be criticized and then ostracized for my unnatural outburst of affection).

This feeling leaves me with a longing desire, and since I don't feel in a position to appease it, I have to start wondering what it is for. In terms of pure physical attraction, one could suggest the purpose is procreation, but I'm above and beyond that. Besides, I view beauty as an ends in and of itself - to consider it as simply a means for some other end would be blasphemy. And in any case, my lofty notions of getting along with the people I am most attracted to have already been shattered by past (painful) experiences. But this feeling cannot be ignored, and thus I must find a use for it. Preferably something more satisfying than an everlasting source of depression.

As a photographer, the obvious answer is to capture that beauty on film to be shared and admired and preserved for eternity (relatively speaking). Which brings us to the question of why I don't take cosplay photographs at anime conventions anymore. The obvious answer is my hesitation when it comes to approaching strangers, but it goes deeper than that. Rather than taking quick snapshots of a lot of normal people in costume (which anyone can do, and many do), I'd prefer to take the time to create flattering portraits of only the most attractive people I see. But the more serious the shoot becomes (and the more attractive the model), the harder it is for me to ask a stranger out of the blue who, though she might happily pose for a snap or two, probably doesn't have the time or the inclination to indulge my unexpected request.

And anyway, I'm not comfortable working with strangers in that way. Especially not in such a chaotic environment. So, it's not like I'm trying to downplay my own failings, but the fact is, if I were to take cosplay pictures, I just wouldn't be satisfied with the run of the mill shots you most frequently see. I demand more, and I'm not comfortable demanding that from people I don't know, at this time. Still, David Hamilton, a photographer I greatly admire, once said, "if you are on a beach and you notice a face, or a body, that stands out from the crowd, the sight of which makes your heart leap in your breast, then stop. If your feeling is honest and sincere, it will help you find the right words. Who knows what could then come from such a meeting?" Maybe the day will come when I am able to follow David Hamilton's sagely advice, but that day is not today.

Burning Photos

I know it's old news by now (over a year old), but every once in awhile I think about the photos I lost at Burning Man when my camera disappeared in the throng of people circling the smoldering ruins of the Man, after I had stripped off everything to join the festivities. As amazing an experience as Burning Man was, losing that camera is an unfortunate scar on the event. Not that I blame Burning Man for it, though. It was just a sad twist of fate.

But the photos I took there were once in a lifetime (unless I ever have the opportunity to go back). Not only was it Burning Man, which is a completely unique event, but it was also in the middle of the desert. When am I gonna find myself in the middle of the desert again? What a location. And furthermore, it was one of the few places I know of where you can roam naked through crowds of people, without hardly attracting a second glance, taking pictures as you go.

Speaking of which. I remember taking a few pictures out in front of Center Camp. I set up my camera beside my bike (you should have seen the contraption I built by combining my sun umbrella with the bike, and my attempt to anchor it enough to prevent the whole damn thing from blowing away in the wind), then went and stood center frame, with the camp behind me not too far in the distance, and the regular passage of people to either side of the path I was on. I remember some guy biking between me and the camera during one of my attempts, and I'm pretty sure he ruined the shot. Not his fault, I know, just a funny and somewhat frustrating coincidence.

I also took some great shots in the middle of a dust-storm, with me just far enough away from the camera to be partially though not wholly obscured by the dust. The dust in those storms was like a granular fog. I also remember getting some cool pictures of a dust devil that roamed through the city - I was at a perfect vantage point to get the perspective of it against the city, from just inside the border of the central circle of the playa.

Other shots I'll miss are the ones I took out on the deep playa, both during the day and during the night. During day, I took some great 'walking on the moon' type shots, including one with me in a despairing pose, which I already had a title planned for. I don't remember specifically what it was going to be, but it involved a cynical reference to friends/companions/guidance from others, that sort of thing. The idea being that some people say that everybody has somebody, when in truth there are some who are truly alone.

At night, I took some amazing shots. I don't know that they'd turn out that great, given the perspectives involved, but they'd be an awe-inducing reminder of the view from the trash fence deep playa at night. The city glowing and pulsing almost beyond the limit of hearing, spread out flat along the horizon at a wide angle, but squished vertically onto the surface of the earth, with an immense stretch of darkness above and below. Or, I might have tried to take shots of the stars, which were absolutely gorgeous from all the way out there. I don't know if that camera I had then was up to the task, but the stars were gorgeous regardless. You could see the Milky Way clearly. Too damn romantic a place to scope out without a date, but then again, it really makes you feel small and alone in the universe.

Even if I couldn't get the camera, or more importantly, the photos back, I still can't help being curious as to what happened to it. Was it tossed into the fire? Did it otherwise find its way into the fire (e.g., kicked unintentionally)? Was it picked up by someone? And if so, what was done with it? Was it tossed out? Was it 'refurbished'? Were my photos just deleted, just like that? Or are they still out there, somewhere, waiting to be rediscovered by historical anthropologists thousands of years from now? And what was with that one guy who emailed me after the festival, in response to my Lost & Found inquiry, who claimed to have my camera, but never responded to me after that? I never did get my camera back... What was it all for?

Questions of a thousand dreams...

David Hamilton

Photography has really only been a side-interest for me, and since my formal photography education is nonexistent, I'm not really familiar with a lot of the popular or "classical" photographers that are (or were) out there. So if somebody were to ask me who my favorite photographers are, I wouldn't really have much of an answer. But there are a couple that I've caught notice of, whose work has impressed and inspired me. And one of those is a man by the name of David Hamilton, known for his reputation for shooting gorgeous young models often minimally clothed (if at all), and for the romantic soft blur effect that characterizes his photographic style. What matters most to me is the fact that Hamilton's aesthetic sense of beauty, as it relates to the budding eroticism of adolescent femininity, overlaps to a not insignificant extent with my own; hence, in viewing his photos, I can sense a sort of kindred artistic spirit (in addition to the sheer wow factor that his best images elicit, of course).

Due to the controversy in some modern cultures surrounding the erotic portrayal of "pre-adults", there is unfortunately no lack of criticism leveled against the quality of (likely a result of simple ignorance) or intentions behind (cue moral hysteria) Hamilton's work. Even beyond that, there are those in the artistic community who seem to be of the (elitist) opinion that naked girls can not be art (to which I say, what is art without naked girls?), or that erotica itself is independent of the "true" or "pure" artistic disciplines (which is clearly a delusion). It is secondarily for the sake of those who may have something to learn from some exposure to his work (at the inevitable risk of inciting the opposite effect) that I present [only] a handful of my favorite David Hamilton prints in brief to you here, but I do so primarily because these are simply beautiful artistic works - the kind of objet d'art that, once discovered, compels an art lover to share that wonder and amazement with others!




































"A distinction must be made between eroticism and pornography; the media have blurred the disparity to an unforgivable degree. For those intelligent enough to recognize the difference, erotica will continue to hold a unique fascination. Social evils should not be confused with the pursuit of true beauty." ~David Hamilton

Note: If viewing these images makes you feel uncomfortable, might I suggest you read this?