04 April, 2008

Journal 021

My journal-specific entries are old enough to drink now. Not that they will. Everytime I think about writing something, I argue, "what's the point?" It's not like anything has changed. And despite enjoying the rare chance to talk about myself, it does get boring after awhile. Especially with the mundane topics. And the more interesting stuff comes and goes on the whim of inspiration - rarely settling long enough for documentation.

I was just thinking that Chii, from Chobits, is the perfect woman (despite being more like a girl - go figure). She has the loyalty, obedience, and unconditional love of a[n ideal] pet; the multi-usefulness of a super-intelligent robot; and she's more attractive than real, human women (or girls). If I had a persocom like Chii in my life, I wouldn't hesitate for a second falling in love with her and rejecting a human mate. Taking care of her would give me a purpose in life, and as a caring and intelligent companion, I could take her around with me everywhere I go, which would boost my confidence immensely.

It's fitting that just when I started feeling like maybe I could turn my life around, the whole plan crashed and burned in a matter of days, due to a number of factors in and outside of my control. I'm thinking that the major step is the nocturnal/diurnal thing. Being up during the night is my way of avoiding people. "I am the Lord of Darkness; I require the solace of the shadows, and the dark of night." But being up during the day would force me to be around people, and force me out of my comfort zone. Which is exactly why I'm avoiding it. But it's not even that easy, as if that wasn't hard enough. Adjusting a sleep schedule like that is tough. I've been nocturnal for two years now, and there are only rewards (immediate, not long-term) to be had for staying nocturnal. Going diurnal, on the other hand, is a major struggle - physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I don't think those glasses are coming. I ordered them, and then I got an email requesting my PD, which I entered into my account/profile when I ordered the glasses. If they're too stupid to check the program that they created to get the information they need, then they don't deserve my business. Even if it means I have to continue being pathetically blind. Actually, I'm just not gonna go out of my way to tell these people something they already know.

I don't even know what the point of writing these things is if nobody reads them. There's a horror movie coming out called Ruins. I read an article about it in Fango months ago, and it looked interesting. Just interesting. But the trailer is exciting. I'm thinking about seeing it. I still have some Destinta bucks from Christmas. Considering that the last movie I went out to see was Cloverfield in January.

Tekkoshocon is just a week away. I'm excited. It should be fun. Although no comparison to an anime con like Otakon, but I think it should at least be better than the Comicon was, since now it's focused directly on anime, and not wasting its resources on comic crap. I don't mean to offend, but that just reminded me of a funny thing that happened at the Comicon last year, before I realized they had expunged the anime programming in favor of a separate con (why didn't anyone tell me?!). We were sitting at a table eating some con food, and I said something like, "comics are lame." And then I realized it probably wasn't the most appropriate place to be making a comment like that. I don't think anyone else heard it, though.

Who knows. It'd be nice if I had some anime friends, though. It'd be nice if I had any friends at all. At least it would be an excuse - one that I could honor - to get out of the house and do stuff. I'd love to have concert friends, too, but the people that go see the bands I like to see are either 20+ years older than me, or are heavy drinkers (or both).

As much as I'd like to have friends, I have no interest in making friends. People are way too much of a bother. I don't want people bugging me about stuff. But I want people to talk to about interesting things. It's so troublesome. I'm afraid to put myself in a position of weakness or unfamiliarity. I'm trapped, bound by my own chains. I want - no, I need somebody to help me, because the only thing I've learned in my life is that I'm hopeless on my own. But I'd be afraid to ask, even if I knew the right person to ask (assuming such a person exists). I don't deserve to have somebody to help me. Everybody else is going through life conquering their own problems. What have I ever accomplished? I'm a useless human being with wasted potential. Nobody owes me anything. And I don't have the motivation to do anything about it. I was betrayed by my own ideal in the end. "Drown in your ideals and die." And now I'm a faded shadow of a person. There's no hope left but to stubbornly cling onto fantasies, which is the only thing I'm any good at. 

Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. They became enlightened to the truth of the depressing state of existence. Their innocent happiness was gone forever. God was compassionate in ejecting the couple from the garden, for if they were to eat also from the Tree of Life, then they would become like God himself - knowing the futility of life, but having not the power to end it. God would not wish such a cruel fate even on his enemies. And so, the years passed, and Adam and Eve were eventually freed from the unrewarding effort of living, and their offspring carried on the cycle of life, for it was believed that even a pained life was worth experiencing - so long as there was eventual release.

After many years of watching over the suffering of man, God devised a plan to try and bring back some of the innocence and happiness they had lost forever when Adam and Eve made their fateful blunder. If truth had opened their eyes to the desolation of the universe, God had but to create an illusion to distract them. This illusion came in the form of Jesus Christ. Through Jesus' sacrifice, God was able to convince man that they could return to the state of dumb bliss that Adam and Eve experienced before enlightenment, by conconcting an elaborate lie of life after death, in which the tables were turned - that man could live forever, but in a state of ignorant euphoria, as if he had tasted only of the fruit of the Tree of Life, and never that of the Tree of Knowledge. The followers of God continued to preach this vision of the afterlife, and the people were deceived, and became happier for that deception. Thus, God felt a little better about his creation.

But there are still some people in this world who have a natural predilection for the bitter taste of that fruit of knowledge, and prefer it even to the sweet fig of life. These people condemn themselves for their preference, but it's not truly their fault. It's only a matter of imperfection in God's creation. It's natural for man to seek the power of God, but where some are able to grasp the concept of eternal happiness, others are drawn self-destructively toward the glowing light of knowledge. But, though they may deem themselves wiser for it, it is truly a fool's path. Yet they still must walk it, unhappily, until the day comes when God's mercy shines down on them, and their existence is wiped null for the rest of eternity.

That was far more interesting than the earlier crap.


  1. Well, you've got an anime friend over here. [waves hand]

    I think the first half of the post was just as interesting in the second half. My perspective represents only the teensiest fraction of all available perspectives around the globe, so it's fascinating to see how other people approach even mundane things. Someone else's head is like a different world, and looking at basic things we're both familiar with gives me a basis for comparison that makes the experience feel less frighteningly alien.

  2. You know, I think I agree. It's interesting to explore how other people experience things. I've occasionally toyed with the idea of becoming a psychologist (I used to joke that I picked physics because unlocking the secrets of the universe seemed easier than figuring out what goes on in the human mind), but it's one of a million different things a person could do with their life, and I could never really stick to one long enough to truly master it.

    Also, one of the more frustrating things about life is how every time you seem to make new friends, life conspires to send you to opposite ends of the globe. And while the internet is a wonderful tool for keeping in touch, it's no substitute for just being able to hang out, or go out and do something together.