10 April, 2008

Journal 022

Tekkoshocon is this weekend, and I'm excited, but I have no idea how I'm gonna pull it off. I could just go during the evening, but I really want to get more out of it than that, considering that I haven't been to a /local/ anime con in like 6 years (since before college!). I know it's still no Otakon, but since it's an actual anime convention, it should at least be a lot better than the old Comicon when they still had anime on the side. Furthermore, the con ends early on Sunday, and Friday happens to be an Open Stage this week - and missing the Open Stage is some kind of sin.

I want to go Friday during the day to scout it out, even though such a thing seems impossible. I could be back by dinner and in time to ready myself for the Open Stage (assuming I don't sleep Thursday night...). There's a Silent Hill panel Friday night at midnight, though (here's the schedule), so I'm thinking about going back after the Stage, if possible (might be tricky). As far as the rest of the programming goes, I don't know if there's anything I /have/ to see. The video rooms seem to have quite a variety of titles, most of which will not be playing for more than hour (so it looks like a bunch of tastes of this or that rather than marathon feasts), and I don't think there's anything I absolutely have to see. They've got AMV's running all the time, which should be interesting to check out. And of course, I look forward to browsing the dealer's room. I don't really have any cosplay to wear, but I look forward to seeing other people in costume, and I even heard a rumor that there might be a C.C. or two at the con.

In other news, the glasses place emailed me again, forcing me into the uncomfortable position of having to respond. But the good news is, I think I'll be getting the glasses after all. God, I hope they work out. (And I hope they arrive soon, too.)

I'm finally getting to the end of the third season of Millenium. There've been some really good episodes lately. I love any one where Peter Watts shows up to plant doubt and paranoia and misplaced sympathy. Same for Lucy Butler, but with planting hatred, suspense, and pure evil. There have even been a couple that feel almost X-Files-like, considering that this season has been putting a lot more emphasis on "conspiracy". Agent Hollis has done a great job of being Frank's partner. Considering how close I am to the end, I'm coming to terms with the fact that there's no way this series is gonna deal with all the things I'd love for it to deal with. I mean, ending with the third season? It didn't even reach the millenium! Maybe it's better to leave that plot point open-ended, but still... I don't want to look too much into the circumstances of Millenium's end yet, since I haven't seen it. But I guess all will be revealed, in /some/ form, soon enough.

My Daily Nudes project on flickr has been going pretty well so far. A couple days ago, I did a tribute to a news story I came across where a high school student was denied a prize for her artwork because it depicted [tasteful, discreet, and artistic] nudity. I have to say I'm happy with how well my tribute seems to have come out. The last couple days have been more nudist-oriented shots - normal-type activities done in the nude. Which may not be as artistic, but I like them, because they're like still life's or something, and they promote the cause of casual nudity.

In fact, today I had the /very/ rare opportunity of eating dinner in the nude. One of my brothers was at work, and the other was at a hockey game, and my dad was out of the house later than usual. So he had left a sandwich in the fridge and a note on the kitchen table for me. Coming out of the shower, I remarked at how quiet the house was, since I can usually hear the television(s) on downstairs, and people at dinner. But it was dead silent. So, without getting dressed, I snuck down the stairs all ninja-like, and since not a creature was stirring, I cautiously advanced to the kitchen. Reading the note, I knew I was in the clear. But I was still nervous, because there are a lot of windows around that area of the house (plus that fear of somebody random coming to the door - and seeing in), and I wasn't sure when somebody might come home - and there have been times in the past when I've been surprised that I didn't hear the garage door.

But I was able to enjoy a few bites freely, and made a point not to waste the opportunity to take some shots in the beautiful natural daylight, before getting way too paranoid and throwing something on just in case. It's always a matter of risk assessment in those situations, but had I not gotten so paranoid, I could have spent the entire day in the nude (instead, I only spent about 90% of it as such). Still, a great and rare experience. If only I was more free to just be myself...


On a related note, it was recently that I felt that switch, from the colder climate of winter, to the milder temperatures of spring. It may or may not have anything to do with the weather outside, since I haven't been outside that much lately, but I could definitely feel the difference in my room, when it starts feeling warm. Not hot, not yet, but warm. And you feel an ever stronger desire to take your clothes off to be comfortable.

I was thinking about what it might be like to be more open about my desire to be nude. Not meaning that I would force my nudity on other people, but that if I didn't have to hide from it, then I could be more comfortable about it and do it in my room even when there are other people around, even in the middle of the day. Think about it, I could be nude most of the time, and only have to put something on when I have to interact with others (which, at this stage, is a small percentage of my time). And I wouldn't have to worry about somebody coming in and finding out, because it wouldn't be a secret. And if they didn't like seeing me nude, regardless of who it is, then it's their prerogative to be more careful about disturbing me unannounced.

The issue with that is having to constantly dress and undress. A robe is very easy to put on and take off, but, perhaps ironically, I really hate wearing a robe around other people because it's so informal - it's the thing you wear when you climb out of bed, when you go to the bathroom to take a shower in the morning, when you're feeling sick and have no desire to get dressed - and it just has that dirty, negative connotation for me. If I have to be wearing clothes, I want to wear something that gives me confidence, something that I think looks good, something that people aren't gonna think looks too out of place. I'm liking the idea of button-down shirts more and more these days. They have a certain class, a certain formality, even a sexiness at times, and yet they're much more free-flowing than t-shirts, and they're easier to put on or take off (depending on how much - if any - effort you put into buttoning). I've been considering getting some (more) of those kind of shirts and wearing them more often.

But that still leaves the question of pants. Pajama pants are out of the question, since they have that same homely, vulnerable connotation that the robe suggests. I have a pair of old jeans that are a little tight, and they're pretty good for the job - considering that they boost my sexiness/confidence a great deal - except for the fact that they /are/ kind of tight, particularly in the spot that matters, and not the most comfortable thing for a nudist to wear.

I wish I had more confidence talking about these things. I hate my instincts that sabotage my life and serve as my unchallenged destructors. I don't feel comfortable with anything. My life is a failure, and I'm not suited to exist within society. The thing that bothers me the most is that nobody helped me when I was younger, to make sure that I grew up to be more well-adjusted. Maybe there was nothing they could do - maybe, but I know there are things they could have tried. I understand that it's not their fault, because the one thing I've always been good at is hiding my problems and reflecting attention away from me, but it's done me no good and why couldn't there have been someone to help me, to see through my illusions? There were a few who tried, but it wasn't enough. It's like Seta Sojiro's breakdown when he fights Kenshin. "You say you protect the weak, then why didn't you protect me then, when I needed it?"

I want to say these things, but I don't want to take responsibility for them. I can't stand admitting that I'm human. That I have human emotions, and I worry about human things. Because I'm so removed from regular human existence. I feel that by pretending I'm not human, I can save face, but the instant I accept that I'm human, it's like I'm accepting just how pathetic I am, to be the way I am. The only hope of getting better is to ride straight through the storm, but the storm is the last thing I want to face. It's hopeless.

Imagine, if I admit that I'm human, then that means I need the companionship of friends. So the fact of being all alone is that much harder to bear. If I acknowledge myself as a loner, fundamentally different from other people, then I accept that I'm alone, even if I don't like it. But there's a reason for it. It's not because I don't /have/ friends, but because I don't /need/ them. The truth is, I do need them, but I'm scared of them. And the second I admit that, I'm lost and hopeless and people start laughing at me and rejecting me. I'm sure that's not how it would really happen, but that's irrelevant, because that's the way it happens in my head.

But there's a problem. Every time I've tried to be friendly and social and, gasp, 'normal', I only manage to emphasize the ways in which I am different from the average person. I'm not like most people, and my interests don't quite match up with the averages. And furthermore, I don't really understand how to communicate with people. There's a barrier that I just can't cross, no matter how many times I try. And admitting that kind of a weakness makes me feel embarrassed - which, as far as I'm concerned, is a pain worse than death.

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