26 November, 2008

Consumerism (or Luciferianism)

I don't understand money. I never understood money. It doesn't jibe with my fundamental nature. Money is the fuel of life in modern society. You need money to do anything and everything. But the paradox is that you have to spend the money you have in order to do those things. So how can I consolidate the desire to have money with the need to spend money? Should I spend my money on this? Or should I save it for something else? But if I spend my money here and now, I'm not gonna have it later for something else. Even if the money I have right now is more than enough to afford these things, how can I know that I won't find myself in a situation later where the money I have isn't sufficient? It's just all so freaking screwed up, and I just can't get it straight in my head.

I think about going and hanging out at coffee shops. Take a book. Read for an hour every day. Worst case scenario, I get out of the house and get a chance to read more. Best case scenario, I happen to meet some cool people, gain confidence and experience in social situations, maybe meet some musicians that might wanna jam with me, maybe meet some girls that are interested in art and photography. But I can't justify hanging out at a coffee shop regularly without spending money there. I may not actually be kicked out, but generally the amenities offered at a place such as this are understood to be there for paying customers, more or less. To go in once or twice and not pay isn't a big deal, but if you start using their shop as a living room, they're gonna expect you to compensate them in some manner.

I think about going out during the day and just wandering. In the car, since walking won't get me anywhere worthwhile. I have nothing else to do, so meandering about town all day long isn't really gonna cut into anything important on my schedule. Going to stores, malls, maybe even museums and conventions and concerts and movies and who knows. Get used to being out in the world, as well as being around other people. Who knows, maybe I'd even come across a job opportunity that could actually interest me, like at a music store or something. But all of this costs money. Even if I just loitered places and didn't buy things (or services), I'd still have to pay for gas, and for food - neither of these expenses exist when I stay at home.

I can't afford to blow money like this - a few bucks here, a few bucks there, every single day. Which makes it harder for me to get out there in the first place. And even if I managed to get a job first, to provide a source of income, that still doesn't change my fundamental nature - why spend all this money now if I might need it for more important things later. It doesn't change the fact that deep within, I just don't *agree* with the way society runs. And that's what's stopping me from being Joe Everyday. I just don't agree with this world, no matter which way I try to look at it, it just doesn't fit. That's why I don't understand how to do normal things that other people do without thinking. They look at me strangely and ask why I'm having so much trouble with something so simple, and the answer is, I just don't get it. It doesn't make any sense. Why am I here? Why in this world? Who the hell decided things should work this way anyway?

Who knows...

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