29 November, 2008


Ever since losing my camera at Burning Man, and being forced backwards a technological step to the previous camera I used, which, though impressive when I first started using it, I cannot help now seeing as utter crap, there's been a huge depression in my interest and motivation for taking pictures. I'm still very much interested in photography, though, and thus I've been pining for a new camera. I've never owned what I refer to as a "real" camera - meaning, the kind of camera that "photographers" use, as opposed to the kind of camera that regular people use who are more interested in taking snapshots for the family album than they are in creating art. And right now, I'm staring at one of those "real" cameras and I'm seriously considering buying it.

Never mind my financial situation. It's not often that I feel that a certain course of action is "just right". Perhaps I'm deluding myself with impossibilities, but I can't help thinking that maybe, with a camera like this, I could actually start a path to becoming something of a professional photographer. Of course, I define "professional photographer" in my own specific, idiosyncratic terms, but the point is that maybe I could take photos good enough to make some money off of, and somewhere down the line, maybe I could actually reach a point where the idea of shooting models isn't just a pipe dream. It might be a long road, but it's gotta start somewhere.

So I'm looking through photos on Flickr, and I can't help thinking to myself, there are a lot of people out there taking really good photos. And I ask myself, who the hell am I to think that I could ever be good? I mean, I'm sure many of these people are just taking good pictures, without making a career or lifestyle out of it - so how could I honestly expect to ever create something that's worthy of people's attention, let alone money? If there are so many good photographers out there, how can I expect to ever make a splash? What does it take to "make it", and why should I believe that I have that?

"Why am I now so attractive when, just a couple of years ago as a butcher, nobody wanted to know? Why all that applause just for playing guitar?" (Peter Green)

Okay, I'm not oblivious. I realize that this is a lot of negative thinking that maybe I shouldn't be doing. But as the person that I am, I just don't know if it's better to dive in head first and believe in yourself, or hold back and play it cool. I guess you could say, "what is there to lose?", but that doesn't shake the confidence I have in my ability to fail.

I'm reminded of Naruto, and his conviction to one day become Hokage (leader) of Konoha Village. Never mind that everyone doubted him in the beginning; his determination has always been unwavering, and through the years, he's proved that not only might he have what it takes, but he may actually be the right man for the job.

So is announcing that you're gonna be something and then working towards it relentlessly enough to ensure that it will happen? I'm not so sure, but even if it is, I'm still not confident of my ability to work relentlessly towards a goal. But should I just give up on life? If I don't have enough confidence that I'll ever accomplish anything worthwhile in life (which is a pretty accurate assessment of my current situation), then what point is there in anything? I could just try accomplishing something, simply because I seem to have nothing to lose, but even then, it's hard to muster the motivation. I'm just having a really really hard time *believing* that I can accomplish anything. God, this sucks.

So, should I become Naruto and just say "fuck it, I'm gonna be a winner"?, and then do it?

The problem with convictions (and everything in my life), is that they depend on moods and certain perspectives, and it's hard for me to stick to one for long before finding myself back in my cozy little pit of despair where nothing really matters.

On the other hand, even if I never become a good guitarist, I still think that that guitar may be the best thing I ever bought in my life.

Struggle, struggle, struggle, that's all life is. I've always maintained that if god would give me even a small taste of the good stuff, that would be the motivation I'd need to be a better servant. If he could just show me that I'm not alone, that I'm not in this all on my own, I'd be more than happy to return the love. But in the absence of his presence, I have to believe that I could struggle my entire life and get no reward whatsoever. The least he could do is dangle a carrot in front of my face. An actual, physical carrot that I could see and smell, not some illusory dream carrot that doesn't really exist. Show me a real carrot, and I'll start running. In the meantime, don't be surprised if I decide there's no point in getting out of bed in the evening.

Fuck you, god.

1 comment:

  1. Maybe we'll get lucky and the US will be destroyed in an upcoming World War 3. 'Tis the dream a beg for every day.