06 July, 2009

So I think it's down to the point that the only way I can foresee there being any hope for me, is to get some kind of help. Because, unless outside forces were to push me into places I don't want to be, I'm not going anywhere just by myself. The trouble is, wanting help and asking for help are two different things. Every single time I look up a different "help center" type website, something turns me off. Either it'll mention Jesus, or it'll be too streamlined ("Use This Ten Step Process And You'll Be Cured For Life! followed by a toothy, shit-eating grin"), or it'll just give me a bunch of information I already know. The paradox is, reading stuff isn't gonna help me - I need to talk to someone, but the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone.

It's the same problem it's always been. Getting help is the thing I'm most afraid to do. But no matter what I think about my projected future, if there is *any* chance of me accomplishing anything that'll give me a feeling of self-worth and satisfaction in my life (and there are things I would like to do), it can *only* be possible if I find some way around this anxiety thing. I think the more motivation I have, for the things I'd like to accomplish, the more I will be internally pushed towards crossing the uncrossable threshold.

There's an inner, spiritual if you will, part to me, and there's the concrete body. My inner part wants to move forward, but the concrete part is adamant in its position. If I could move forward inwardly only, like through my dreams, there wouldn't be a problem. But something's gotta make my body move. And I really don't think I have that power.

I just wish, of all the problems I have, talking to people wasn't one of them. Talking to people has the potential to solve any other problem. I guess people that are good at talking to people might envy a better ability to turn within themselves and analyze their problems from that perspective - something I am excessively good at doing. So maybe it's just a matter of my perspective vs. theirs. But still, I can't describe how much I wish I didn't have that problem.

God, it's like I'm so motivated to do something, but then I look at the site and it completely, utterly, inexorably turns me off... Like walking into a house fully ready to party and then noticing everybody else there is just a plastic doll.

1 comment:

  1. The thing is Z, we can do this together. Psychiatry is the way to go, as it can combat your fear of talking to people. You might question my own anxiety credentials, but I think hauling up in a tiny room each night while I could be hanging out with Steve Albini (the least standoffish and most down to earth, completely unintimidating famous person ever) should begin to paint the real picture.