They say that the secret to happiness is finding a way to get paid to do what you love. But this is harder for some people than it is for others. Even if I didn't have the psychological obstacles barring me from achieving any kind of considerable success in life, the sort of things I'd just love to do for a living (playing in a rock band, photographing naked girls) are things that are kind of hard to make a lot of money doing. In the arts and entertainment industry, unless you get really popular (which has a lot to do with luck), it takes a lot of effort to make any kind of significant money. For the benefit of not having to put on a suit and work in an office everyday, you have to pay the cost of going out looking for job opportunities all the time, trying to ply your trade and find people and places that have need of whatever abilities your talent gives you.
As much as I hate the idea of putting on a suit and working in a stifling office everyday, I do like the stability such a lifestyle provides. I like to be flexible and act on a whim, letting my inspiration lead, rather than being tied down to tight schedules and fixed deadlines, but I don't like the open-ended idea of getting up in the morning and not knowing how to go about the day. I can't cope with that. I need to at least have a concrete idea of what I'm supposed to be doing, in order for me to have a decent starting chance of actually doing it. A lifestyle that reflects the turbulent ocean waters is just too filled with stress and anxiety - not knowing how to proceed.
This is part of the reason I don't have the confidence to really go for anything. I'm not convinced that I'll be able to follow the path to success. That I'll be able to overcome the various obstacles I know I will be faced with. I just don't have the Kamina spirit within me. There are tons of things in life that are tough, and that bother you, even on a day-to-day basis, little things as well as the bigger things, and I guess most people just do their best to plow through it all. But I've always been a highly sensitive person, and those things, even the little ones, affect me very strongly. I just have a real hard time ignoring them or overcoming them, and instead of pushing forward, they push me backward. You could say, "change your ways then, become stronger". But, that's not me. I want to be that, but I'm not. And if I were to put on that face, I'd be lying.
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I've always felt it was a flawed question, a trick. My shrink asked me the "if you could do anything" question. My answer was "nothing." "That's not a valid answer," he told me. "But that's **the** freaking answer." I told him. "The question you meant to ask me is, 'if you had to work for a living, what would be the option that would be the least unpleasant for you?'" People have already resigned themselves to the unspeakable tortures of working within this deplorable system of ours. All the while, the perfect, flawless, ineffible solution is sitting on the shelf in front of our eyes and we ignore it for a plethora of pathetic excuses. We don't have to do any of this, not living is an option.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, if I could do "anything," I'd go to work at Eat n Park like usual, work for 15 or 20 minutes and then go home. I just need to get up and out long enough to remind me of why I don't want to be up or out.
You can get paid to do something you [hate/tolerate/can deal with] in order to fuel your passions, or you can do what I do and take a job that has aspects that you love even though you don't really like the job itself; then you can enjoy what you enjoy and use your really low, crappy pay to fuel your passions.
ReplyDeleteI think the people who are all "just do what you love" are either too optimistic, have simple loves, or are already successful.
I am experiencing this right now as well. I was just fired, and my romantic situation failed. I tried hard to make it musically and I still haven't gotten that far. At 30, I feel like time is slipping away, and I still don't have a solid direction.
ReplyDeleteWeltsmerz is taking me over. All of the sudden, I can't get out of my room much. When I do, it's just a bunch of people boozing it up, which doesn't work for me. I try and fail, and try and fail.
Oh well, that's life. Hopefully my motivation will return soon, or I may have to get back on anti-depressants again. That will be expensive, and my provider only offers the generic, which is proven not to work as well. I exercise, and that helps a little. Also, I try to drink some coffee, before I get too down on myself.
I dunno. This shit goes in waves. It has to do with stress, and right now there is a lot. I've gotta snap out of it!