Con Report 2012 (Tekko X) - Part 3: Friday

After catching the midnight showing of The Hunger Games the night before, we were all pretty tired come Friday morning. So we reluctantly skipped the Japanese Food in Pittsburgh panel and slept in, rolling into the con around lunch time. My cosplay for Friday was a partial rehash of one of last year's cosplays - I dressed up in my sailor fuku and went as a Japanese schoolgirl (minus the tentacles I had wrapped around my arms and legs last year, since they're very unwieldy). I love the outfit and think it's very cute, but iconic though it is, it's not any specific character, and so doesn't seem to draw as much attention from other cosplayers/con-goers. The chef behind the pizza counter at the food court we had lunch at actually thought it was a German uniform (I'll concede that with my hair in braided pigtails, it did kind of have a bit of a "fraulein" look to it), and it was very awkward walking into the men's room, filled with men in business suits, dressed as a schoolgirl - not that there were any problems...

But for Friday I had resigned myself mostly to taking the role of "tourist" or "exchange student" in the sense that I intended to carry my camera around and get a lot of pictures of the other cosplayers on Friday. That didn't entirely work out the way I intended. I was sitting in a panel about the history of Tekkoshocon (something I'd wanted to learn about since I missed the first five cons, and was curious about how they got started), when I learned via text that one of my traveling companions had an eye injury and needed to be taken home. So I reallocated my block of picture-taking time to shuttling him back home. Unlucky as this was for him, I at least was able to return to the con immediately afterward, and in time for the big fashion show I'd been looking forward to.

If you've followed my previous excursions at Tekkoshocon, you might recall that the fashion show is in fact an EGL fashion show - that is, for Elegant Gothic Lolita fashion. You might also recall that I had resolved last year to dress Lolita at the con this year. I'm sorry to report that that didn't work out this time (again). Putting together a Lolita coordinate (particularly as a newbie) is difficult, and can be very expensive if you're not good at hunting out cheap but not cheap-looking materials. Plus, I'm probably bigger than most Lolitas, so finding stuff that'll fit me adds yet another dimension of difficulty. And I got absorbed into my other cosplay ideas this year, so I put it on the back burner. I'd still like to dress Lolita some day, but I'm not sure when or if it's ever going to happen. As pretty as the style is, I'll admit that the Lolita community's emphasis on modesty doesn't do much to inspire me.

After the fashion show, I think I visited the Dealer's Room before heading out to dinner. I didn't spend a lot of time in the Dealer's Room this year, but not because it wasn't fun to browse the goodies on offer. I was either too busy with other things (likely), or miffed at the difficulty of not being able to take my bag (with my camera in it, which is why I wanted it close at hand and not hiding in bag check) into the Dealer's Room (last year they let you put your bag right inside the door; I liked that system, why did they get rid of it?). Anyway, I was pleased by the Dealer's Room's nice selection of dakimakura body pillow covers this year, including quite a few H-rated ones. I'd have bought one if they weren't so expensive. I was hoping to find a charm to put on my cell phone, but pickings there were slim. I also looked at a cute vinyl dress that would have been perfect for the rave, but again, expensive, and this time, possibly not in my size.

Every year, my goal - explicit or not - is to get something sexy at the Dealer's Room, because come on, anime girls! Ultimately, I decided to get some hentai, but since you never know how good any of these titles are, and they're probably easy enough to preview online, I bought a copy of Urotsukidoji/Legend of the Overfiend, which is one of my favorite hentais of all time. It says it's the movie edition (as opposed to the OVA edition I suppose), and I haven't watched it yet, but if there are scenes missing (whether edited for content or time), I can always burn a copy of the full thing on a disc and stick it in the box. The great thing is that I can put that box on my shelf and proudly display my fandom for classic tentacle rape! The other thing I bought in the Dealer's Room was a figure of Hinagiku, the pink-haired girl from Hayate no Gotoku/Hayate the Combat Butler, in an extremely skimpy string bikini. She's totally hot. :3

We had dinner at a noodle restaurant in Market Square, just a couple blocks from the hotel the con was being held at, and ate out on one of the tables set out in the square. It was nice. Being there (Market Square) all three days of the con, dressed up in my cosplay, surrounded largely by "normies" - especially Thursday at lunch when it was swarming with business men and women on lunch break - was an interesting experience. I kind of liked standing out and being more radical than everyone else, and it's not like we got any negative attention. There were actually a lot of people curious about the con, and we were asked some questions by a few groups of people, who (to me) appeared amused and excited by the presence of the con-goers in the city.

I also forgot to mention that on Thursday I was stopped by a photographer with a press pass on my way back toward the hotel. He asked me the usual questions about the con and my cosplay, and my name and hometown, with the expectation that a photo of me might turn up in the newspaper, but as far as I can tell, that didn't happen (for better or worse). And I got stopped again (more than once, actually) on Saturday. The worst thing that happened out on the town (and it wasn't so bad) was on Saturday, when one of the workers at McDonald's told me I had to put something on over my cloud bikini if I wanted to be served. But I didn't let it get to me. Before that, one person in the restaurant (who didn't even look like a con-goer, though she could have been) asked for my picture. So take that, polite society. :p

Back at the con, I took a few more pictures, of myself and others. Cosplay highlights for Friday include a Black Rock Shooter (I just adore her outfit), and a CC from Code Geass in her vaguely bondage-like prisoner uniform. I don't remember when it was, but I visited the Artist's Alley at one point, but it was horribly crowded this year, with aisles barely large enough for two lines of opposing traffic to squeeze past each other. My Friday night finished with two more panels. First up was Cute Japanese Fashion which, despite my interest, was little more than a rehash of things I've heard before. I think, perhaps, the panel would be more exciting with more real live examples of the different fashions (i.e., models - I know, I know, this isn't the fashion show), or at the very least, more pictures and variety of examples within each fashion discussed.

The final panel of the night, for me, was Anime Horror. It was hosted by a woman cosplaying as Wesker from Resident Evil, and the highlight was a Korean ghost comic she showed us. There were three girls in the audience dressed as vocaloids, who appeared to be acquainted with the host, one of which was terrified of this comic. So the host and the girl's two friends insisted on torturing her with it, which was partly funny, and partly disturbing, and overall, I guess, completely in tune with the mood of the panel, which focused on the psychological nature of Asian horror. Another centerpiece of the panel was a clip from Higurashi involving both physical and psychological torture. I've been meaning to watch that series for a while now...

At this point, I was thoroughly exhausted. I didn't have the energy to jump at any of the scares in the comic even if they were good enough to make me jump. So after the panel, it was time to go home and crash in bed. Saturday was planned to be a big day for me, because the AMV contest I wanted to attend was first thing in the morning, and I knew I wanted to stay late for the 18+ panels that night. So until then, oyasumi!

Con Report 2012 (Tekko X) - Part 2: Thursday

Two things struck me about the scheduling of this year's Tekkoshocon X. First, that it was scheduled about a week earlier than last year, and second, that it was scheduled over a five day period.

The local Comicon I had gotten used to attending before I discovered Tekkoshocon had a habit of occurring during the last weekend in April. Tekko, on the other hand, had in my experience had a habit of occurring at the beginning of April. So, almost a month earlier. Which means, in general, colder weather. This year, in particular, I had a kind of skimpy cosplay planned, so I was disappointed to learn that this year's Tekko was pushed back to practically the middle of March! We had had frigid winds and rain in past years, and it puts a real damper on any plans one might have to take cosplay pictures outdoors, which is always a nice deviation from the usual hotel/convention center hallways you see in the background of con cosplay pictures.

Ironically - being that it was the middle of March - this year's con weather was warmer and milder than usual! All on account of an unseasonable warm spell that stretched just long enough to make the first two (full) days of the con feel almost like summer! Saturday was considerably cooler and even a bit wet (and was unfortunately the day for my skimpy costume), but it was at least mild enough during part of the day to go outside and still get some pictures. I couldn't have been happier about that!

The other strange thing about this year's scheduling was that the con was planned for five days. It seems to be becoming standard for big anime cons to stretch out to include the Thursday of the weekend, so that's something to get used to, but Tekko X had some programming planned for Wednesday, which was just bizarre. They could have been a lot clearer about just what their plans were, but Wednesday was sort of a non-day, where they had some vaguely con-related programming at a location far removed from the main hotel.

In any case, the con really began on Thursday, and my travel group had planned to attend on Thursday - which I think is a first for me. Moreover, my regular sleep schedule had been readjusted to a point that I could actually comfortably make it to the con before noon for once. So what was an anime con like on a Thursday, when a lot of people planning to attend later that weekend were still in school or at work?

Well, there was actually a lot of good programming planned for Thursday, even though I had to miss most of it for a very special reason. I think Thursday is probably a good day to go in the afternoon/evening rather than the morning, although my schedule this year required the opposite, seeing as I had dinner plans, followed by a midnight viewing of the opening premiere of the first movie of The Hunger Games series! But that's a topic for another post...

Crowd-wise, Thursday was expectedly thin. Even so, it wasn't exactly dead, and there were still some impressive cosplays - just not a whole lot of them. I picked out my Thursday cosplay based on which of the two I had planned for Thursday and Friday (I had to save my big cosplay for Saturday, obviously) that was easiest to change in and out of, since I could only spend half of the day at the con. So for Thursday I cosplayed as Chii, from the series Chobits. Last year, I did an incredibly elaborate Chii cosplay in her elegant pink dress (more about that here), which was a big hit. Chii is one of my favorite anime girls, so it's an honor for me to cosplay her. What's more, we have very similar hairstyles, so it's like fate that I should cosplay her.

But I wanted something a little simpler this year, to give me a break from the elaborateness of last year's pink dress cosplay. So instead of formal wear, I decided to cosplay as Chii in her pajamas this year. Simple, yet still cute & sexy. The costume officially consists of only a large shirt (the kind a girl would borrow from her boyfriend to wear to bed), and the ears & hair spools that are characteristic of Chii's look. Technically, Chii should be either naked, or just wearing cute panties underneath, but because there are rules, I wore a pair of really short white shorts that (usually) couldn't be seen due to the length of the shirt I was wearing. And for shoes - since you're not allowed to roam the hotel barefoot - I had a pair of fuzzy pink flip flops, which are cute, totally in Chii's style, and the sort of thing a girl might wear as bedroom slippers if she were obsessed with flip flops (the way I kinda am).

Well the cosplay was a hit. As I found myself saying, everybody loves Chii. And she's not only a popular character, but pretty easy to recognize due to her ears and hair and general style sense, despite appearing in a remarkable variety of outfits. I went outside across the street to the Point State Park to take some outdoors pictures, and among a group of students walking through the park (who to my knowledge were not convention attendees), a couple of them even recognized and/or complimented me on my cosplay! For the small amount of effort I put into that cosplay, it was a lot of fun to wear, and I think I might wear it again sometime in the future if I need an extra cosplay at the last minute.

I actually didn't do a whole lot at the con on Thursday other than take pictures of myself in my cosplay. My traveling companions watched some AMVs (past years' contest winners), and I got a few pictures of some of the few awesome cosplayers roaming the halls on the first full day of the con. But there was much more in store for me (for better and worse) on Friday!

Con Report 2012 (Tekko X) - Part 1: Intro

2012 marks the year of my fifth consecutive attendance at Tekkoshocon, Pittsburgh's anime convention, that is now in its tenth year (that means I've attended half of the Tekkos!). Unlike certain of my friends (:p), I have not yet gotten burned out on attending conventions (or anime conventions specifically), and if anything, I am getting more excited and involved every year.

Glancing back at my journal from the first Tekko I attended back in 2008 (the transitional year between when they moved from Monroeville to the inner city), I mentioned something I had heard spoken in the company of attendees to the Burning Man festival in Nevada (which I attended once, that same year). They were talking about people's experience of the festival, and how the first time you go, there's a lot of excitement. The second time can either be a disappointment, because the novelty is gone, or even better, because you know what you're in for and are prepared to take advantage of the opportunities for fun that are available to you. After that, you tend to either get burned out on the experience, or else you become attached to it. I suspected back in 2008 that I was getting attached to attending anime cons (though it's much much more fun going with friends, than going alone), and it seems after a few years that I was not mistaken.

Granted, cons are still not magical wonderlands where everything that happens is good, and there are never any frustrations or disappointments. But I am of the opinion that you get as much out of a convention as you put into it. You have to find the things you like about it, and then make the most of them. I will concede, however, that the greatest portion of my enjoyment of anime cons probably comes from all the cute girls dressed up in sexy costumes and outfits (of which there is no shortage whatsoever =3). But anime itself is an outlet for me wherein I can revel in the hotness of [anime] girls, and that's reflected not just in the cosplaying (or not -_^) con-goers, but in the merchandise in the Dealer's Room, the AMVs and videos they show, and so on. So that if some of the panels suck, or some of the fans are immature, or I'm exhausted and hungry, or what have you, there are always those parts of the convention that I can enjoy.

The other major excitement of a con for me is my developing interest in doing cosplay myself. It's taken until now for me to develop that interest on two fronts: first, my continuing experience as a model, as well as my burgeoning interest in fashion (specifically, girly fashion; which is, for me, to say - cross-dressing); and second, having a friend who actually has the skill and the desire to help put together costumes for me to wear. And so, this year, the most exciting thing I have to talk about the con is the costumes I wore, and with the con only a day behind me, I've already begun brainstorming cosplay ideas for next year!

But that's not all I have to talk about, so read on, to the next section of my con report!

On Darkening The Internet

It's too much, and not enough.

Some background.

I don't like the whole darkening trend that's going on. Not because it's raising awareness for a good cause, but because it feels too much like censorship. I understand it's to be taken as a warning of what we stand to lose, but is it necessary/appropriate to resort to the enemy's tactics to get the point across? Do the ends justify the means? It's not that I don't support these efforts to keep the internet free and open (I do), I just feel conflicted about them. However, they're much better than the alternative, which is real censorship and loss of freedom.

But this isn't the first time a bill has been pushed through that seriously undermines the rights and freedoms of the citizens in a free nation. That doesn't mean we should just lay back and take it, but how much are we willing to sacrifice? The fight against this one bill is symbolic, but it doesn't help change the system where corrupt politicians can take away our rights easily, compared to the effort that's required for us to defend those same rights. In this system, we have to stay ever vigilant - and we STILL lose rights at a regular pace.

Frankly, I think this whole notion of legislators coming in to your room while you sleep to take away your rights, unless you stay ever-vigilant (which is unfortunately how the system works) is more alarming than the specific nature of this one (or two) bills. It shouldn't be my responsibility to call up my representative to tell him how I feel on every issue; it should be his responsibility to call me. But the whole 'representative' system is flawed anyway. I don't want my representative (or anyone else's) deciding what my position is, without my input. Assuming I voted for him, that doesn't mean we are of one mind, and that everything he thinks and decides is agreeable to me. And if I didn't vote for him, then what, my opinion is irrelevant because it doesn't comprise a statistical majority?

Freedom of expression is a joke in this world. We don't have it now, so what's the big deal if we "lose" it? What we need is a complete overhaul of the system. We need to make it harder to take away a person's rights than it is to defend them. The system should be such that for SOPA and PIPA to go through, the entire population has to vote on it. (And even then, there are rights and freedoms that can't be infringed by majority rule - the Constitution is supposed to protect those, but the concept of 'basic rights' is unfortunately open to subjective interpretation). Then, awareness and education campaigns will actually mean something. I don't trust some greedy, moralizing politician to make my decisions for me. And you shouldn't either.

Happy(?) Holidays

I bet you were starting to think you'd get off without a rant about capitalism this year. Well, I almost decided to let you off, but then I got to thinking about it. I'm not entirely opposed to the fundamental concept underpinning capitalism - that people trade work for leisure (or just survival). The problem, I think, is in the practical application of that system. The distribution of money (as a symbol of worth) isn't fair. Whether or not and how much money changes hands in any given transaction depends on fallible, and often greedy individuals. Plus, because it's a social institution, getting paid relies on social interactions, which places at a disadvantage those with social difficulties who might otherwise have great skills or talents (and especially in the arts, popularity is valued more highly than competence). Ideally, merit would be awarded justly and instantly by some kind of omniscient entity (a machine intelligence, perhaps?), so that people with their personal perspectives and subjective biases wouldn't have to serve as the middle man, whose job it is to oversee and then interpret the worth of a man's toil. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to implement this idea in practice (if it's even possible), but I will say that it is the basis for my appreciation of the old Marxist ideal that one should give according to his abilities, to provide for the needs of all.

On a lighter note, and in the spirit of consumerism (with reference to the dress, not the girl :p), I shall present you with a seasonal image, as I've been known to do on occasion. I had a hard time deciding whether to offer up a naughty girl or nice this year, but since I always seem to do naughty (well, "naughty" in an alluringly innocent sort of way), I thought it might be fitting to do nice for once:

I would totally wear an outfit like that on Xmas if I were a little girl.

Still Thankful

I hate to get all sappy, but this is a great opportunity to mention some of the things I appreciate in life. (Seeing as I spend so much time dwelling on the crap that life deals me).

I am still thankful for the internet. Sometimes I think it's a cursed blessing, as the internet keeps me at home and indoors. Occasionally I find myself wondering what I would do with myself if the internet didn't exist. How would I occupy my time? I'd probably sit in a chair and think for hours on end, like I used to do when I was younger, before the internet consumed my life. I might read more books. I might actually get out of the house more and have a stronger "rl" presence. That would be a good thing. But on the other hand, the internet provides me with no end of entertainment. But it also gives me an outlet to explore my interests, continue my studies despite not paying exorbitant tuition fees for someone else to decide what's important to my education, and it's given me an avenue to explore and develop both my writing and my photography skills - and possibly even begin to garner a (slow but growing) fanbase that could help me opportunity-wise in the future. So even were it a mixed blessing, there is no doubt of the blessing part, and that is what I am today focusing on. Oh, and did I mention the internet is filled with porn? ;-)

I am also still thankful for girls. And looking back at my thankful post from three years ago, this year I will stress my thankfulness for 3D girls. I am still intimidated by 3D girls, and there are still things that 2D girls can do that 3D girls cannot (at least not legally), but matched evenly, I have and will always prefer girls in the 3D. They bring so much brightness and inspiration to my life, that I can't imagine how dull my life would be without them. Well maybe I can, as so much of my life has been spent without them - and even now, they are not as close to me as I hope they will be in the future. But, as alluded to above, the internet is a fairly good coping mechanism in the meantime. Girls are just so wonderful. For what it's worth, the nature of my photography has put me into close proximity with the gay and trans cultures (although the upside of that is that it's made me incredibly more tolerant and open-minded, which is something I feel good about), but damn I can't tell you how much more fun and exciting thinking about sex is when girls (real, true girls) are involved. Girl power!

I can assure you that I am thankful for more than just three things, but I don't want to dwell on this topic forever, so I will stop at three. The third thing I am thankful for is the latest friend I have made. I don't want to get all mushy, but she's been such an awesomely wonderful person, and I have no doubt that she's done more for me than I can even articulate. She accepts me, even admires me, for who I am, and that gives me an enormous boost to my self-esteem (previously shattered by a heartless girl I adored, but who would barely give me the time of day, although I don't blame her for not being interested in me, even if I reserve the right to be bitter about it). We get along unprecedentedly well, and having her around to hang out with (even if it takes some measure of effort - more hers than mine - to do so) has made me a much happier person over the last couple years, even in spite of my continuing struggle against my own inner demons.

So thank you. :-)

I Wanna Be Where The Girls Are

"I Wanna Be Where The Boys Are" is a song by The Runaways (a band I've gushed about in the past), sung by Joan Jett on their Live In Japan album from 1977. I'm not sure why it doesn't turn up on one of the bands' studio albums, because not only is it one of their best songs, but it reflects rather well the image of the band. These were teenage girls up on stage playing ballsy rock music - something that only boys were supposed to do at the time.

And so the song could stand for girl power - the band's statement that "hey, we're girls, but we can rock just as hard as boys can". But it could also reflect an element of gender bending. "You call me a girl, but why can't I act like a boy?" Joan Jett hasn't exactly been afraid to project the masculine side of her image through the years. And in my recent exploration of my own feminine side, I find myself relating to that quite a bit.

I feel that partly, I am a girl, at least in the sense that I appreciate things that are often more associated with femininity than masculinity. I also like girls, and I have the desire to hang around with them, to engage in the sorts of activities they engage in (as opposed to the activities boys engage in, like competitive sports). Every time I see evidence of the gender segregation that is entrenched in society (restrooms, dormitories, and even social cliques), it bothers me, and I feel disappointed that I can't join the girls on their side of the partition, just because I'm officially considered to be male. The range of behaviors people expect of me don't necessarily conform to the range of behaviors I'd like to exhibit, and when those don't match there's conflict (either in my head, if I conform, or in the heads of others, as they are exposed to my cultural transgression).

But there's another element to it, and it's somewhat more conventional. Despite the concerns I have over my gender identity, my sexuality is pretty clear cut - I'm attracted to girls. I have a driving biological need to approach and pursue hot girls - not just any girls, but those who are especially sexually appetizing. But it's not just a physical desire, it's a desire that invades my psychology as well. When I'm not hanging out with hot girls, I feel like I'm in the wrong place. When I am made particularly aware that there are specific hot girls out there in specific places doing specific activities, I feel depressed that I'm not a part of it.

I cope with these feelings mostly by either distracting myself with other activities, or tricking my mind by spending time looking at pictures of girls on the internet. I avoid going out where crowds of people congregate because I know the hot, social, popular girls will be there. And though seeing them makes me feel good, not being able to hang out with them tears at my heartstrings. And in the moments when I do think about the girl action that I'm missing out on (not strictly limited to sex, though that's included in the assortment of activities I'd like to share with hot girls), the void feels particularly relevant. I may never be rich, I may never be famous, but there's something about my need to interact with hot girls (I blame the procreative impulse) that makes it seem like it's more important than life itself, and that I could never forgive myself if I wasted my life without pursuing that need.

I don't know if other people have the same feeling, but in the absence of contradicting evidence, I tend to assume that they do. It's a feeling that's been particularly strong growing up, as an asocial kid who was never really popular and had a lot of friends - but most importantly, never got to hang out with the hot girls, going to parties and making out and things like that. Knowing that I've missed out on that gives me the feeling of a hot knife jammed into my heart. It's a feeling that has plagued me especially throughout my adolescence (though it neither began nor ended there).

I guess most unpopular kids either get over it, or learn to distract themselves from it. I know there's a difference between making out with a hot girl, and finding someone who is a true companion. And they're often not to be found in the same person. Yet part of me can't help thinking that a lot of people who never get the hot girls are settling for their less-than-hot wives. I don't mean to sound shallow, because I do recognize the importance of companionship. Maybe some people don't have as strong a drive for hotness as I do, and they can live with having the better of the two prizes (hotness versus companionship). But I, I am not content with just the one.

It's like the whole Saturday Night Heist thing I've talked about in the past, except focused on that primal desire of sexual attraction, rather than the need to be cool and have a good time. It's related, I'm sure, because there is a whole social aspect when I think about where hot girls congregate and what they do. And it may even ultimately be an illusion as well. Something that exists only on the outside. I worry about that. That even had I the chance to hang out with a hot girl, she'd quickly become uninteresting once I possessed her, and I'd start pining for the other ones I didn't already have.

Is that just the nature of the male sexual drive? To conquer and move on? I don't know, but even if so, it doesn't mean that I can't satisfy that desire in a way that doesn't hurt and treat girls as pieces of meat - except insofar as those girls are dedicated to chaste, monogamous relationships. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I just want to go out, and actually be liked by the hot girls, flirt with them, and make out with a few, maybe score on occasion. It's the kind of thing that sounds bad for the people who want it, yet the guys who get it tend to be admired for it. But it's this really strong drive that I have.

I've always used to think that I didn't deserve to be with the hot girls because I wasn't cool enough or popular enough, or simply not social enough. That I was the kind of guy that the hot girls didn't like as much, and wouldn't waste their time on. So my desire for hot girls had always been this thing that I could never have, no matter how badly I needed it. And the feeling has dogged me for a long time. I'm wondering now, though, that maybe the one thing that was stopping me the most, was myself. My lack of confidence, my fear, my anxiety. I hid, because I was afraid to be judged. I essentially prejudged myself, and didn't even give others a chance to judge me - even if it were the case that they would judge me poorly. But what if they judged me favorably? In that case, how much could I accomplish? Could I actually acquire the things I want most, that I never believed I'd actually have the chance to have? And how can I know if I don't try?

I wish change was as easy as realization, but habits die hard. Do you know hard it is to combat fear? To change - by sheer force of will - the way your mind has worked for your entire life? Especially when you don't even have any certainty a) that it will work, and b) that if it does work, it will get you what you want, after all. Even more so when you know that the process of change is extremely painful.

But I guess, as Einstein once said, it is foolish to expect different results from the same actions. Unless I change what I put into the equation, I'll never see a change in what comes out. And maybe what will come out will be bad, but it could be good - very good. I've even seen some evidence of that. So it comes down to taking a risk. The kind of thing I don't like to do. But I've gotta change the kind of person I am, somehow. There's a lot I like about me, but the most important things - it feels like there's a fundamental disquiet in the core of my being. As much as I have that I love, it's like there's something in there that I don't have, and it's important enough for me to sacrifice everything.

At least I hope it is. Because being willing to sacrifice everything for it is the only way to have the strength to grab for it and find out. God, I just wish I wasn't so afraid of things, things that don't even happen. I don't know where that fear came from. But it has to go away. I let fear keep me from the things I want in life. I know that fear is irrational. So I have to stop letting it get in the way between me and what I want.

And girls are the most scary - and most desirable - thing in all the world. I have to have them, but the only way to get them is to get over my fear.