06 February, 2008

Journal 010

Unfortunately, I haven't done too much to take advantage of it, but the weather's been mild the past two days or so. Though it's also been kind of rainy/windy. The temperatures are up in the 50's though, even overnight, which is nice for drab February. Last night the garbage was out, so I made a point to finally take out those boards from the collapsed VHS tower. It was the middle of the night, of course, and I was most certainly naked, but I took them all the way out to the curb. I also took a bag out tonight, to the side of the house. In related news, I got the new wall decoration I ordered recently just the other day. It's an official-looking "Clothing Optional Beyond This Point" sign, and I think it's totally cool. There were three kinds, indicating either Florida, California, or Hawaii State Beaches at the bottom, and though I could have easily taken California, I went with Hawaii since you can't go wrong with tropical islands.

My brother convinced me to aid him in satisfying his craving for Wendy's tonight, before the drive-through closed at 1am. We ordered and ate in the parking lot (in the van, of course). They were out of frosties, surprisingly. They had chicken nuggets, but they weren't as good as the old chicken tenders they used to have... The fries weren't the best fast food fries I've ever had, either. But hey, it is what it is. I made a point to stop at Giant Eagle before going home, because I needed to restock my supply of cotton swabs. I also picked up the latest issue of Fangoria. I wonder if it's really popular or something, because sometimes I go and I just don't see it there, and today, the issue I grabbed was the last one.

I haven't read any of it yet, but flipping through, I saw an ad for The Poughkeepsie Tapes, an upcoming horror mockumentary (?) supposedly scheduled to open this Friday. However, reports on its opening date are mixed, and there's some evidence that the 2/08/08 date has been bumped. Right now I'm not exactly sure when the movie will be released, whether it will be in a couple days, or not until the end of the year - or anytime else - but I am looking forward to seeing it. Basically, from what I've seen of the trailer, it's supposed to be a faux documentary of a serial killer who left behind tons of video tapes of his crimes. Not surprising that certain people would get upset about it, but I have to admit I'm very intrigued by it. The whole dark side of mankind idea, and gazing into the abyss, and all that. I'm a horror fan, and it's probably not surprising that I have an interest in serial killers and things like that. It's not terribly easy to talk about, casually, because people have a tendency to assume that if you're interested in that stuff, then you're automatically predisposed to partake in it. Well, I hope you can guess what I think of that mindset. Watching Millenium sort of gives me the idea that it might be cool to be an investigator of violent crimes or something, since I feel like I could sympathize with these criminals, while not actually condoning their behavior. Getting into the mind of the killer in a way. Though without Frank Blank's special skill. It'd probably be completely different to be exposed to that sort of thing in real life, though. I mean, I don't mind the gore in a horror flick at all, but, ironically, when it comes to real life, I get queasy at the mere sight of blood. Just one of those things...

I've already fully accepted the fact that I belong on the lunatic fringe of society. If I do ever have a place in the mainstream, it can only be a cover. But that doesn't make me bad or evil or uncivilized or anything like that. I'm simply different. My standards and morals and values don't necessarily match up with the average. It's a shame because it makes things rather difficult for me. I'm a victim of space and time. But on the other hand, I value my uniqueness, and my unconventional opinions. It takes all kinds. I just hope I can find *some* place for myself in this world...

I finished Dying Of Embarrassment in two sittings. More of the same. Plenty of good information, but it still comes down to the question of making an active effort. And desensitization. If I felt okay about willfully entering these situations, even just enough to overcome my fear of them, then my problem would have been long gone by now. Although I'm still hoping for a miracle (read: knight in shining armor), I've already come to the conclusion that there's very little chance of me overcoming my problems on my own. Yet, getting professional help is incomprehensible to me. It doesn't help that in that section in the book, their best advice is to "ask questions". Yeah, the hardest possible thing for me to do. Even if I knew what I was getting into. Ideally, I think everyone should have a personal guardian (angel, perhaps?) that guides them through life. Of course, that would be impossible, because there are few if any people actually qualified to do a good job of that, and they'd have to be so dedicated to their case that they could only handle one person at a time (and then who would handle them?). Well, there's another piece of proof that 'God' doesn't exist. No guardian angels. Fuck you, god.

RPM Challenge is, well, *is*. I guess I'm coming up with some stuff. Still plenty of time to play around and put things together, I guess. If anything, it's been a pretty good excuse for me to pick up the guitar and play. Although it's easy to get distracted playing through all the riffs/songs I know, not that that's altogether a bad thing. I figure I should learn the songs in that Blues Guitar Bible I have, because they're great blues songs that I would kill to have in my repertoire. The only thing stopping me is the effort. Freddie King's I'm Tore Down is in there, and I started trying to play it last night. Awesome short little opening lick that totally sounds like a Freddie King lick. But golly, knowing which notes to play isn't enough. You have to know *how* to play them to make them sound good, the way Freddie does instinctively, and then you gotta practice them enough that you can nail them on the fly. Think of the effort, and that's just the first few seconds of the song! But I want more than anything to be able to play that song start to finish with all of Freddie's stingin' licks. UuuuUuuUUuuuUUuuggghhhh... Why can't I have been born with an indomitable work ethic?

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