27 February, 2008

Journal 013

(This entry was originally written by hand last night, while lying in bed.)

Why is it that the more tired I am, the harder it is to get to sleep? What is up with that? My mind goes into overload and my body starts shutting down, but my mind refuses to relax. So I can't stay up, but I can't go to sleep either. Maybe it has to do with having an obsessive personality. I get caught up in something, and I can't focus on anything else. That's why it's hard for me to multitask. Like lately, I've been absorbed in flickr culture, and I have to struggle to force myself to do something else. Because I get in the zone and I wanna ride it out. If I split my concentration, my involvement and ability in any one task will be reduced in power.

I've kind of dropped my post average lately. Partly because I'm doing the same things. How many times should I come on here and say "I'm still looking at nude photos on flickr"? Still, moods change and thoughts come and go and it's good to keep up to base. Or something.

Well, for today (last night?)'s Daily Nude, I accomplished my snow challenge - diving into a snowdrift, completely naked. And, with photographic proof! Oh, it was quite exciting. I planned the shot meticulously before going out, because I knew the cold would not allow for any mistakes. I ended up setting up the camera on the back porch, on top of an old, sturdy clothes hamper for extra height, looking down at the backyard. Soon as the shot was set, I cued the camera, then rushed down the steps (nearly tripping), and laid back into the snow. I grabbed the camera as I rushed back inside to dry off, and discovered that I had positioned myself too far away, outside the range of the camera's flash! So much for not making any mistakes...

Well, I wasn't *too* chilled, and was instead quite thrilled by the experience, so I knew I had to give it one more shot - but just one. I reset everything, and did it again. When I got down in the snow, knowing this was the shot, I wanted to make the most of it, so I tossed some snow over my body just for the sake of going the extra distance. By the time the flash went off, I was anxious to get up. Again, I grabbed the camera on the way in, but this time, I was even more thoroughly wet and chilled.

Giving the camera some time to dry, I only half dried myself off before rushing upstairs into the shower to soak in a cascade of warm water for five minutes or so. Pleasantly refreshed, and warm, I went back down and checked the camera. The shot was a success! Admittedly, it's not exactly the most flattering angle, but considering the circumstances, I'm quite pleased.

Back online, I made the decision to upgrade to a pro account on flickr, after realizing it was a meager $25 for a full year, and mostly for the ability to better organize my photos. While re-organizing my webcam nudes from college, I yet again decided to throw a few more up on there that I had glossed over earlier. I'm gaining a little bit of confidence. Nude, and proud.

Oh, and I did in fact find a group for 365 nudes - two, actually. But here's the problem. One of them is a splinter group from the main 365 group, and despite being a haven for 365 rejects, I still think I'd be too radical to fit in - there seems to be a bias against genitals, for one thing. Now, I don't see much merit in any of those ridiculous cock shots - I understand the curiosity factor, and I've taken some of my own, but never have I considered them to be of any level of worth that I'd want to show them off (seriously, a guy is more than just a penis...) - but, there's a world of difference between a nude (artistic, erotic, or otherwise) showing the genitals (in context), and a shameless dick pic - and I'm against censorship.

Well, the other group I mentioned seems perfect, except for the fact that it's a ghost town, with few members, very few photos in the pool, and *no* activity. And I don't feel comfortable either sabotaging the group, or being the only contributor. I guess there just isn't that much interest in this aspect as I'd like. I like to sit right on the line between art and porn. Artists are afraid to get too close to pornography, and pornographers have agendas which have little or nothing to do with art. But the line can be a beautiful place - stimulating, yet meaningful. But so many people are afraid of getting shot if they get too close to the border. Either that, or they don't have the skill to walk the line. But now I'm just stroking my own ego...


  1. I just think that's bollocks that the group would be negative on genitals. Bunch of posers, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. That's not real nudity. That's pop nudity. That's the Backstreet Boys of nudity. There's good pop (Tom Petty), but I wouldn't join a pop group. It's a classic example of my pet peeve regarding outcaste philosophies which take one step forward and two steps back. Either you're really willing to reveal yourself, or you ain't.

    Though I personally wouldn't say that the pornography that could be classified as shameless is actually worthy of disrespect.

  2. I can't really blame you for dropping your post average, considering the gap I had in posting... but I can encourage you (I hope) by saying that I enjoy reading your posts and look forward to the next one pretty much all the time. That's why I'm subscribed to your RSS feed, after all -- so I can jump right on it!

    I was thinking during my bike ride today, as usual. Unlike my usual mental gyrations, this particular one may actually be interesting to you!

    One of the biggest problems I had after college was finding employment. Not just meaningful or gainful employment, but employment, period.

    I applied for a good number of stupid jobs around town, just because I needed the money -- running a projector at a movie theater, being a janitor, working registers, flipping burgers, frying chicken, and even shoveling manure. Of course, I was also applying to "real" jobs, but of course I'd get turned down for those.

    The sad thing is that I was also turned down for all of the low-level jobs, usually via silence! I've heard (and it makes sense) that it's because I was "overqualified". They didn't want to take on and train someone who had the qualifications for better jobs because, odds are, that person's going to eventually land a better job and leave.


    Well, to be honest, that's exactly what I did at Target. >.>

    You know that the other job I got, the first one I actually got, was selling cars. It had been a good long time being unemployed before I even got the interview for it. I think I actually had not one, but two interviews for it... and it ended up being the reason I got my driver's license.

    So when I got it, I was pretty happy. Not only did I have a job and steady income, but I also had something to do and the knowledge that I was again on the path to making my own future. There's something to be said for financial freedom that you know you're generating yourself.

    Sure, it had its down sides, but I was making my own money... and also equally as good, my mother had stopped harassing me about not being able to find a job.

    The thing is, I felt like I'd gone through a lot of crap to just get that one shitty job, and I was glad I was on my feet again. I'm repeating myself here, but for a reason. One of the first things that started to happen after I got that job was that people started to mock me for going so low as to sell cars. Usually, they were the same people that mocked me for having no job and harassed me about getting one! All that work, and they're still not happy!

    I knew I could do better, and it wasn't like I was planning to sell cars forever, but it was really, really irritating to have people make fun of me when I was trying my best.

    So, what I've been leading up to is this: if you get a job, don't worry about anything like that from me. I don't care if you get a job at Eat 'n' Park with Doug, or if you pump gas, or what -- I'll congratulate you for getting a job and hope you're getting back on your feet.

    It may be small comfort, or a balm for an itch that hasn't come, but I figured I'd say it.