25 February, 2008

Journal 012

It's been a little while since I did a straight journal entry, I guess. I've been spending most of my time lately between playing with photography, and catching up on various anime and manga series. This weekend I finished the first season of Millenium - great show. I look forward to watching the next two seasons. Wow, that was sad what happened to Bletch... I also caught back up on watching the new Zetsubou series. I thought it was gonna be like a totally different retelling or something, but it appears to mostly be more of the same (meaning still good). I also read a manga called Blame!, which was a pretty cool atmospheric, post-apocalyptic in tone, mellow story. Lots of atmosphere; the story takes place in this endless space of mechanical jungle that expands in every direction, much of which is uninhabited. Very interesting.

I've been having fun with the nude photography so far. I'm getting used to shooting for a single shot a day, and I'm starting to realize that I'm not using my batteries as quickly as I'm recharging them - which is a good thing. But it can still get confusing when it comes down to keeping track of which batteries I've used and which ones I've just recharged, since I have six. I think two might be a little more dead than the rest, and I'd be inclined to maybe get rid of them, if I could figure out for sure which ones they were... I've considered getting a new charger, since I read about one that's supposed to be real good, that charges in three hours (as opposed to eight), and is still only twenty bucks. I'll look next time I'm in a store, and see how things turn out. I'm loving the tripod, but one thing about it that irritates me is the fact that when I turn the camera on its side, to take a vertically-oriented picture, the one tripod leg gets in the way of the camera and I can't get it to line up right, so I have to end up taking a diagonal picture. Even if I try to adjust the individual lengths of the legs to change the angle, they're not sturdy enough to stay in place. So for now, that's an irritation, but it's something I've been working around.

I'm still looking through a lot of interesting photos on Flickr, and I get understandably excited when the numbers of views on my own photos go up. I'd love to have a little more feedback on what I'm doing, but I'm a little cautious about advertising myself, and there's always the question of what *kind* of people I want to have evaluating my efforts. I decided not to be a part of the official 365 Days group, primarily for the reason that I anticipate a number of my photos would likely be considered 'across the border'. Basically, it's a reflection of my placement outside of the accepted community of normals. I understand that I'm different, and I want to celebrate it, but I fear the distinctions people would make between me and them, and the way I'd potentially be ostracized and ridiculed for who I am.

In other news, the fam went out to dinner today. The restaurant we went to changed their menu a bit since the last time I remember eating there. There was no chicken fajitas, which I remember enjoying, and there was no awesome S'mores dessert, either. I ended up having chicken tenders instead (boring, I know, but they were pretty good), and some chocolate banana bread pudding that was so-so. Oh, I also had the baked potato soup, which was not bad. I like a good soup, but most soups just aren't my kind of flavor. So it's nice to find/know of one that I like. The waitress we had looked very familiar - I'm sure I must have had some class with her in high school. Of course I didn't say anything, because it's not like I was ever friends with her. I probably never even spoke to her, and there's no reason to break that streak now.

For my book-reading progress, I took a break after I got halfway through the third of my self-helpish books, since that's when my reading lamp bulb broke, and I still have yet to replace it. Maybe the rest of that book will provide some more ideas, but I'm still at a loss. I question how much of my inability to cope with society is because of my uniquity, and how much is because of my fears. I like to place a healthy share of the blame on the fact that I'm different, and that I'm just not programmed to work as a part of this machine. But maybe I'm just avoiding the real issue. If I could conquer my fears, maybe it would be possible to actually do something with my uniquity. Like, maybe I'd actually find someone to play guitar with, or maybe I'd find a way to make a living as a photographer, or perhaps a model. Or maybe I'd actually be able to get some kind of job as a DJ, or work in a music store, or something like that. The bottom line is, there are actions I could be taking that I'm not taking, and the reason I'm not taking them is because I'm afraid. And that fear is something that's been ingrained into my behavioral and cognitive processes for a good 24 years. So I'm still trying to figure out what to do (what I *can* do) about it.


  1. Normals? What do THEY know? Ride the snake, bra. It's old, and its skin is cold.

    You should totally see a therapist, man. How awesome would that be?? Books are good but I'm told there's no substitute from one-to-one diagnosis. I know MY guy didn't work out when I went to therapy (I mean, he told me Leah liked me and was hiding it... what a dick!) but he was a guy working for a school of 40,000 and giving FREE sessions. I mean, I know he gets paid, but it can't be as much as you'd get being a therapist who doesn't give out free sessions. Plus you respond to the notions of other people, and you believe in degrees and stuff, so it would help a million fold what it helped me. Being able to talk about yourself of course would be a barrier... but guess what, that's what they're paid to do, get you to talk. I'm sure they have methods of making it comfortable for you. Deciding to go would be the only hurdle. I know I decided to go when I was broken down and crying over the loss of my dreams, and then I didn't end up getting a session until after my mental breakdown was over. But that's irrelevant. Pardon me if I'm wrong but I feel like your problems would have a more straight-forward solution from a shrink. Because you seem to know pretty darn well what your problems are, whereas in my universe 1+1 never equals 2. I can say a lot of stuff but when push comes to shove, 5 divided by 12 equals 2.6.

  2. Therapists suck. Sure, you might help some people, but the rest will just revile you or mock you for saying the truth.

    Honestly, what more is a therapist than someone you pay to tell you the things you know but won't admit to yourself? There's been plenty of research that establishes that people evaluate things based on how much they cost; they think that if they pay more for something, it actually IS better. I think that's the case with therapists.

    You're paying them to tell you things you already know, so you value their advice more than your introspection.

    Biggest scam in history.

    I hate it when restaurants change their menus... I mean, I can understand adding new things, but taking off old things? It's always irritating when you go to a place you've been to before and they don't have what you wanted to get. I mean, imagine the fuss you'd get if Sapporo took pork curry ramen off their menu!

    Was this Flannigan's, by any chance?

    You could always try opening a 365 Nudes group on flickr as an offshoot of the 365 pictures group, see how much interest you get. That way you can also control your mission statement to make sure people don't get the wrong kind of impression.

    As for reading, I've always wanted some kind of lightweight miner's hat or something... though it wouldn't work so great when I'm laying on my side, I'd imagine.

    It'd be much nicer if I could just shoot low-intensity light beams out of my eyes or something -- make my own light!

  3. I can sympathize with your stance, panda, since I've used that same argument in the past ("I don't want to pay someone to tell me things I already know"). But I'd like to think that there's more to be said for what they do than the credit you give them. I'm not talking from experience, but it seems like their professional training and experience would be helpful in recognizing patterns and suggesting potential modes of recovery.

    In my specific case, I think it might be helpful just to have someone who encourages me. I'd be willing to pay (within my means) for a person to support me (emotionally) and validate who I am. Although there's a question of whether or not I'd believe it coming from someone I'm paying for. And there's certainly the obstacle of opening up and being able to trust the insight and opinion of this stranger, as satanic has pointed out.

    Of course, the biggest hurdle is, not so much deciding to go, but actually going. If it were easy, I probably would have tried it already, if nothing else then just to see if it might help. But even if I was adamant in my decision, I can't see myself seeking a therapist, making a connection, and actually going to visit.

    The bottom line is, I need help. One thing I've reaffirmed time and time again, is that I'm not getting any better, left to my own devices. The only foreseeable option for me is getting someone else to help me walk the right path. I can't seem to find the light alone. But the reaching out is the hardest part. That's why I wish somebody would just show up in my life, with their only goal being to help me improve my life. The knight in shining armor. A rental sister. But I realize that's far too much to ask. The world's unfair, and that's why I'm here.

    As for the group, that's a good idea, but I don't feel confident enough to start and run a group of my own. Besides, I'm not sure there'd be enough (or the right kind of) interest anyway.