Confessions of an MTV Generation Traitor

Those who haven't heard the story before, and know what a big part of my life music is these days, might be surprised to learn that I didn't even start listening to music until at least halfway through high school, when I finally turned on to the music my parents had subconsciously planted an appreciation for in my head, by playing it throughout my formative years. That, of course, would be the music of their generation, focused on the late 60's and early 70's. Guitar-based rock n roll, with a heavy blues flavor (which is a refinement I later picked up on).

As for the music of my generation, it never really hit me. And I also, to an extent, consciously distanced myself from it because I've always associated it with my peers, and I never felt particularly like I could relate to my peers. But that doesn't mean that a song or two wasn't able to break through my defenses now and then. I have, in fact, (a while ago now) collected a disc's worth of those songs together in a compilation that I'm not especially vocal about having - because, although I might "like" these songs (albeit not on the same level as the songs I'm more vocal about liking), I don't want to give people the impression that I like this kind of music, because I don't especially, and I'm not exactly eager to get a bunch of like-minded recommendations. After all, these are mostly songs I noticed before I realized what it was I liked about music (which also implies that these songs don't have it, at least not nearly to the same extent (and if I had to take a guess as to what "it" is, I would say compelling electric guitar leads)).

But in the spirit of Satanic Thoreau's recent foray into pop music, I thought maybe I'd dust these songs off and pull them out of hiding, once and for all. Though instead of pop, most of these are probably what would be called "alternative".

Ironically, this collection is titled "Modern" even though, by now, all of these songs are at least a decade old. I guess nothing stays modern for very long. I'll take suggestions for a new title if you've got any.


No Doubt - Don't Speak [1995]
To me, this was a powerfully emotional song. Just in the way it sounded and the melancholy lyrics and all. "Don't tell me cause it hurts." Unfortunately, whatever respect I may have once had for Gwen Stefani was tossed out the window with Hollaback Girl. I don't know what a "hollaback girl" is, all I know is that I want her dead.

Garbage - Push It [1998]
And this is what I thought of as an "intense" song back in the day. I always liked the line (and the way it was presented in the song), that goes, "this is the noise that keeps me awake; my head explodes and my body aches", and then bam! "Push it, make the beat go harder."

Pearl Jam - Do The Evolution [1998]
Despite my stance against admitting Pearl Jam into the pantheon of Classic Rock this is one song by them that I've always liked. It's a pretty good rocker, and I like the vocals, and I remember it having a pretty neat amazing animated music video that caught my attention once upon a time. "It's evolution, baby!"

Rammstein - Engel [1997]
German band with a kind of "industrial" flavor. It's a pretty good song, and I like the dynamic that exists between the male and female vocals. (I won't mention the topically relevant Eva AMV).

Radiohead - Paranoid Android [1997]
Radiohead - Karma Police [1997]
These Radiohead tracks were added later on, as I have no recollection of being aware of any Radiohead songs specifically when Radiohead was fresh (although I do recognize the video for Karma Police (the video for Paranoid Android just confuses me - and not in a good way - but the song is good)). My only connection to them really is through a guitarist/friend of mine I knew in college. I didn't quite agree with him that Radiohead was the logical progression in bands to listen to after the likes of Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd (generation gap, anyone?), but I certainly don't hate these songs. (Fake Plastic Trees came a little bit later still).

Natalie Imbruglia - Torn [1997]
It's funny, because this song also turned up on Satanic Thoreau's Immaculate Pop collection (linked above). The one thing about this song that really stands out is the lyric "lying naked on the floor". That was all it took for me. Also, though I don't usually go for the short hair look, I have to admit Natalie is pretty cute in the video. Interestingly, I remember when she first came on the scene, and in an MTV news break, Kurt Loder (I presume) came on to inform us all that the 'g' in "Imbruglia" was indeed silent.

Madonna - Frozen [1998]
I was too young for Madonna's first wave, but I remember her "comeback". Although I've never invested much time or attention into Madonna's music, I always quite liked this particular song. I remember at one time thinking that it could be enhanced with some passionate guitar licks over top (or even in place) of the humming. I still think so. Beautiful video, by the way. "You only see what your eyes want to see; how can life be what you want it to be? You're frozen, when your heart's not open."

Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun [1994]
In truth, this is a good song, but even if it wasn't, I'd still like the title, because it's a fascinating concept. I recall the music video being pretty surreal, which adds to the appeal. But the idea of the sun, giver of all light, changing into a black hole, to suck everything away, is deliciously fatalistic. "Hang my head, drown my fear, till you all just disappear."

Orgy - Blue Monday [1998]
I would say that this is merely an okay song, but the driving beat and repeated line "how does it feel" is pretty infectious. Also, I like the distortion. Very fuzzy.

Fiona Apple - Criminal [1996]
This was, hands-down, without a doubt, the sexiest music video I had (and still have) ever seen. For a long time it was a guilty pleasure not because I didn't want to admit to liking the song, but because I was afraid to admit to watching such a sexy video. But damn. Ok, so it's kind of sleazy, but wow is it hot. And the truth is, the real point of this entire post was to give me an excuse to admit that. Yep, I just had to come clean. "What I need is a good defense, 'cause I'm feelin' like a criminal." And I'm not even kidding.

Fastball - The Way [1998]
I don't even remember the first time I heard this song, but during the Summer of [Shattered] Dreams, it was played in my presence, and to my surprise, I recognized it, though I knew not from where. Regardless, it's not a bad song. If it has a kind of dull, plodding atmosphere, the lyrics make up for it. Nothing like the dream of picking up your bags and heading off into the sunset in search of "eternal summer slacking".

Metallica - Nothing Else Matters [1992]
Being in the "metal" vein, which I've always eschewed for rock (even before I got into rock) Metallica is a band I've never really gotten into, although I have come across some songs of theirs that I like. This is one of them, and like the Radiohead songs, it came in a bit later than the rest. I also like Fade To Black, which I heard two guitarists perform at an Open Mic at college, but it's this song's lyrics that spoke to my sensitive heart during my "unrequited love" period.

Bush - Comedown [1994]
I recall hearing this song on the radio in a half-sleep daze, and getting stuck on the chorus - "I don't wanna come back down from this cloud; it's taken me all this time to find out what I need". For some reason, I was caught on it, so I hunted down the song. It's not a bad song. Strong bass line.

Godsmack - Voodoo [1998]
Ok, this is a pretty repetitive song, but like the snake's venom, it sinks into your veins and you just can't get it out. The repeated lyric ("I'm not the one who's so far away...") is like a chant that refuses to cease. I had it stuck in my head a long time ago, then I forgot it, then I heard the song again in yet another half-sleep daze, and it got stuck in my head again, so I had to seek out its source. It's kind of hypnotizing.


If I were to add another song, I might consider Nine Inch Nails' Closer, just for being so damn ballsy (it's better with the equally ballsy video). Going back and watching all these videos, I should make this a DVD compilation of video clips rather than a CD comp. I'm actually impressed with how much the dates for these songs matched up. They're all from the 90's, with the majority from around 97/98. Which makes sense, as that was about the time - plus a year or two for the songs to get airplay - that I discovered classic rock and switched over, never to look back. Maybe at that time, even before I switched on, my body was craving music. And these were the best I was stuck with until I found what I was truly looking for. Interesting.

I'll also mention here, since it's relevant, that I'm a fan of Alanis Morissette's album Jagged Little Pill from 1995. Although I like a good female vocalist (see Janis Joplin), this isn't really the type of music I listen to, but the conviction shines through on this album and it really makes a difference. Ironic is probably the popular pick from the album, but my personal choice would be You Oughta Know.

Also, there was a time when I enjoyed listening to Mariah Carey, believe it or not. I've heard her get a lot of flack from people who like the kind of music I listen to, but I liked the way she sang. And I thought she was pretty attractive too. It's strange, because that whole aesthetic isn't really my scene, but for some reason she was an exception. I recall a particularly interesting video involving a jet ski chase.

More than anything, MTV teased me with a glorified view of having a social life - with shows like Real World and Road Rules, even if I don't like to admit I ever watched them, and the idealistic dream world of Spring Break, where it's warm, you're on the beach, watching a live outdoor concert, and you're surrounded by bikini-clad beach babes, and people are doing crazy things that often involve getting naked, and Girls Gone Wild is probably somewhere nearby, too. I simultaneously despised that world - the social world - and I desired it. I blame biological programming, but I've never been satisfied with the loner life I've lead out of necessity. For the little bit of time that I let it, MTV gave me a chance to be a tiny bit closer to that world that I was missing out on.

But there are better worlds, after all, to discover. Worlds I am more suited to.


[Postscript: Reading the comments on these videos is enlightening. Hearing people wax nostalgic about the 90's and how today's music ain't got the same soul really puts my own 60's/70's elitism into perspective. There's no question that the music from those decades had something that's lacking in most music today, but that's not to say that today's music isn't as good (except, of course, on a subjective level), it's just different.

And of course, growing up with music really helps to imprint it on your mind. I wonder how I would feel about the music I love if I hadn't listened to it as an impressionable infant. And yet, I'm mad about bluesmen like the three kings, and I'm pretty sure my parents weren't blasting records by them, so there's some element to my taste in music that isn't purely nurture.

Perhaps I was just lucky to be exposed so early to music that complemented my tastes so well. I suppose it's just a shame it took me so long to realize that. If I had gotten into music earlier, it might have changed the whole course of my life, potentially. I might have had a band in high school! :o

They flutter behind me, my possible pasts...]

Once and Again

"You don't have to be the bravest person in the world. Just the bravest writer."

Once and Again is a television drama that aired for three seasons starting in 1999, about two divorced families (each with a pair of school-aged children) who come together, and all the troubles they face in life. I recently discovered it upon hearing that Mischa Barton - an actress whom I have had a crush on ever since seeing her in Lost and Delirious, a film that instantly became one of my favorites - stars in a guest role that involves a lesbian kiss. The rest goes without saying.


But the great thing about this show is that it turned out to be really good on its own. It would have been worth watching even absent Mischa's relatively small (yet important) role in the third season. More than the plot or the premise, it's the approach that grabs me. As a viewer, I feel like I'm not being patronized. It's a very depressing show, and all sorts of things go wrong (the kind of things people actually have to deal with in life). But there's also a faint glimmer of hope that shines through it all. These people are pummeled by life, but they're not destroyed by it. And the show emphasizes the importance of focusing on the small victories, in spite of the larger failures. Because that's what really counts.


And the characters are all strong and likable. They all have their flaws, but they're basically good people, that you want to root for. Of the four kids, Grace is an inspiration (she starts out as this anxiety-ridden mess, but she grows into a very strong-willed young woman), Jessie (a budding Evan Rachel Wood) is gorgeous, Zoe is adorable (and humorously mature for her age), and even Eli is cool (considerably more so after he quits being a jock and decides to become a musician instead). You find yourself wanting things to work out between Rick and Lily, the divorced parents, and yet you also feel sympathy for their exes (and their new lovers).


And I cannot neglect to mention that this series contains not one, but two of the best kisses I've ever seen on television (and the fact that I don't watch much television in no way denigrates the impact of those kisses). As of this writing, the third season of the show has yet to be released on DVD (and even the first two seasons appear to be discontinued), and that's the real tragedy, because I recommend this series and I think more people should get to see it.

"Tonight, you let everything inside you actually show. Which, I believe, is the only thing in the world worth doing. Although I've never been willing to do it, myself."

Journal 017

Last night was kind of damp, and it was raining off and on towards the morning. I remember lying in bed, thinking to myself it'll snow again before it starts to really get warm - it always does. Well, I wasn't anticipating it so soon, but I woke up today to yet another fresh layer of snowfall. I'm sure this won't be the last snowfall of the season, though I am already anticipating the soothing showers of spring.

It's surprising that Easter is so early this year - right on the tail of the vernal equinox. But it's convenient that it would decide to ride on the heel of the pagan festival of Ostara (or Eostar) - the celebration of said equinox. Still, I'm used to it being sometime in April, so this is a little unusual. And then St. Patrick's Day is like a week before Easter, which is ridiculous. Can't these people spread their holidays out a bit better? In general pagan observance, there are 8 significant celebratory dates spread fairly evenly throughout the year. Well, the only reason I'm complaining is that I have ideas for my music log to honor the various holidays, and *way* too many holy-themed songs to play before Easter.

And March is also a busy month for birthdays in this immediate family, involving both of my brothers' birthdays as well as my mother's birthday. Second only to the late January, early February stretch which holds my birthday, my dad's birthday, and, I believe, also my grandmother and uncle's birthdays. Anyhow, I hate the whole thing about gift-giving. Doing something nice for a person you care about is one thing, but being obligated to purchase some commercial commodity for a specific day, or face the risk of being ridiculed or even victimized, is another thing entirely. I mean, going out and celebrating is nice - you spend time with the people you care about, and that's the most important gift, right? I don't believe in cards either, though. It just seems such a phony way of showing appreciation. Here's a cheap item you're just gonna throw away after looking at, with artwork I didn't draw, and some nice words I didn't write, but it's the thought that counts, right? At any rate, my one brother just spent $400 on CD's - and he's trying to pursue an ascetic lifestyle, and my other brother has enough money to buy anything he could want that I would ever think of buying him, and I don't even know him that well anymore, and the interests he does have I'm clueless about - sports, mainly. So to me, it just seems kind of pointless. And yet, the pressure to perform remains. They both got me something for my birthday, so it'd be tantamount to a slap in the face if I didn't reciprocate.

Today's episode of Millenium (for me, anyway) was good. I think I'm more than halfway through the second season now. I was lamenting the fact that Frank's wife Catherine isn't in it as much now that they've split up after the events of the first season cliffhanger. She really is a good character. Not as good as Frank Black, of course, but still good, just what you would expect from the woman that would marry Frank. Although, their relations have been pretty frustrating, since they seem to be drifting apart for the wrong reasons. The Millenium Group itself is proving to become more interesting as the series continues on. Still lots of mystery there. I was excited about this episode, because for once there was some real tension developing between Frank and the group, and at this point, although for the whole time the group has been portrayed as the good side, I'm wondering if there's maybe something more sinister going on underneath it all than what one might expect. The episode itself was a rather interesting "Into The Wild"-ish story, about a kid who, before entering college, entered instead into the Alaskan wilderness to find a much more fulfilling life. I'm really enjoying this series.

Keeping on that thread, a couple days back I saw the Jose Chung episode of Millenium. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you're out of luck. But just like the rather unique and entertaining episode of The X-Files which features Jose Chung, there's a similar episode in Millenium. I love how the titles of these two episodes so perfectly and succinctly describe the basic theme of their respective series. For The X-Files, the Chung episode is titled "From Outer Space", and for Millenium, the episode is titled "Doomsday Defense". And really, that's what those two shows are all about!

Apparently, my dad's nickname among his buddies is/was at one time "Too Much". This is clearly reflected in the license plate he chose for the family van. Now, I don't know what earned him that nickname - although I can get a pretty good idea, judging from what I know of his personality, always taking on challenges and whatnot, and from *pieces* of stories from his younger days that have slipped out here and there - but recently I discovered an entirely different behavior of his that resembles that moniker. And it involves his cooking. Particularly when making sandwiches. They're always so huge, stuffed to the brim with ingredients, on huge buns, covered in grease. Personally, I think they're too masculine; I'd prefer a more feminine sandwich (if that makes any sense). But it's a matter of style, and at least the sandwiches are still usually good. But it's not just sandwiches. I enjoy the quesadillas he makes, but by god, they're like freaking overstuffed oreos or something (I'm sorry, I had a really hard time thinking of a good comparison). It's just that, the quesadillas I'm used to are mostly tortilla, with a nice hint of other ingredients inside, mostly chicken and cheese. But these ones my dad makes are truly beasts of the wild. And there's often huge portions, regardless of what's on the menu. My older brother eats a lot, but I'm on the other end of the spectrum, and I always feel pushed to eat more than I'd prefer, because you know, semiconsciously, I fear that not eating very much would give off the impression that I don't like the food or something, and I instinctively feel like that would be a personal attack against his hospitality. I know it's not a very reasonable reaction, but I can't help fearing that sort of outcome.

I was pretty tired last night, and I've noticed I've been getting to bed kind of late lately, and getting up at the last minute. I'd love to get to bed earlier, and last night I tried to. But god, I was exhausted, lying in bed, and what I really wanted was to just fall asleep, but something kept me up. Some nagging, restless feeling. I guess there's not much to say about it, I just can't get past the fact that when I have to get up, I'm tired enough to sleep for hours, yet when I go to bed, it's often an effort to cross that line into sleep mode. Why do I have to be sleepy when I have to get up, and not when my body needs to rest, and I want to go to bed? If only I could harness that power and apply it at the appropriate times. It's not like I'm never tired, that that energy's not there - it is, it's just not in the right place...

I finally finished reading the Rurouni Kenshin manga over the past few days. I had stopped at the end of the Kyoto Arc, and now I've finally read the (final) Jinchuu Arc. Very good. So that's where the stuff about Kenshin's past comes from - which is easily the best part of the animated series. I liked it a lot. Why does the ending have to be so depressing though? I mean, it's not like it's a particularly depressing ending. Ironically, I'd probably feel better if everybody died at the end - maybe that's why I like those tragedy endings better, because it's easier to say goodbye to a character when they've died and the world is destroyed, than simply walking away, knowing that their lives will go on, but that I won't be there to continue experiencing their pleasures and joys. It makes me feel sad, saying goodbye to those characters and their stories, and it makes me sad in real life, and I re-realize how lonely I am. And I think about my life, and I want to go out and have adventures, and make reality as interesting as fiction is. But it's not that interesting. And it's never that perfect or happy either. Still, even that intense feeling of nostalgia - whether it's for experiences you've had or only imagined - and that bittersweet, painful feeling of longing... I wouldn't give that up for anything. That feeling of being alive, and that desire to strive for more, to make an effort to try and relocate happiness, however futile the search may be. I just can't understand how anyone could treat life so lightly. But we don't all have the same experience of it, I fear.

I myself have questioned the merit of eliminating distractions. As much as I enjoy losing myself in fantasy lives, it keeps me away from my own, real life. I wonder if, I had nothing to do, at all, except lie in bed or strum the guitar or write stories from my own head, then maybe I'd strum the guitar and write stories from my own head more often. As long as I have a choice between doing those things, and doing something easier, with a more direct reciprocation of pleasure and satisfaction, I will almost always choose the easier path. I have this long list of things to do - largely, fantasy worlds to experience, in various forms - and I feel like I won't get anything really important done as long as those things are on the list. So I think about closing the list to new submissions, and burning through each item till it's empty. Then I could focus on what's important. But there are always new things, interesting things. What if I hadn't opened myself up to watching Berserk? There are a lot of things I enjoy, but I question how much impact they really have in my life, but a series like Berserk, I wouldn't want to live a life without having the experience of that series, given the choice. So if I close myself, what could I end up missing? Yet if I leave myself open, what important tasks in my life will I neglect? I have a really hard time balancing between the two, as I've explained. So I'm not sure where to go from here. But in the meantime, I still have that list of things that I intend to burn through.

Journal 012

It's been a little while since I did a straight journal entry, I guess. I've been spending most of my time lately between playing with photography, and catching up on various anime and manga series. This weekend I finished the first season of Millenium - great show. I look forward to watching the next two seasons. Wow, that was sad what happened to Bletch... I also caught back up on watching the new Zetsubou series. I thought it was gonna be like a totally different retelling or something, but it appears to mostly be more of the same (meaning still good). I also read a manga called Blame!, which was a pretty cool atmospheric, post-apocalyptic in tone, mellow story. Lots of atmosphere; the story takes place in this endless space of mechanical jungle that expands in every direction, much of which is uninhabited. Very interesting.

I've been having fun with the nude photography so far. I'm getting used to shooting for a single shot a day, and I'm starting to realize that I'm not using my batteries as quickly as I'm recharging them - which is a good thing. But it can still get confusing when it comes down to keeping track of which batteries I've used and which ones I've just recharged, since I have six. I think two might be a little more dead than the rest, and I'd be inclined to maybe get rid of them, if I could figure out for sure which ones they were... I've considered getting a new charger, since I read about one that's supposed to be real good, that charges in three hours (as opposed to eight), and is still only twenty bucks. I'll look next time I'm in a store, and see how things turn out. I'm loving the tripod, but one thing about it that irritates me is the fact that when I turn the camera on its side, to take a vertically-oriented picture, the one tripod leg gets in the way of the camera and I can't get it to line up right, so I have to end up taking a diagonal picture. Even if I try to adjust the individual lengths of the legs to change the angle, they're not sturdy enough to stay in place. So for now, that's an irritation, but it's something I've been working around.

I'm still looking through a lot of interesting photos on Flickr, and I get understandably excited when the numbers of views on my own photos go up. I'd love to have a little more feedback on what I'm doing, but I'm a little cautious about advertising myself, and there's always the question of what *kind* of people I want to have evaluating my efforts. I decided not to be a part of the official 365 Days group, primarily for the reason that I anticipate a number of my photos would likely be considered 'across the border'. Basically, it's a reflection of my placement outside of the accepted community of normals. I understand that I'm different, and I want to celebrate it, but I fear the distinctions people would make between me and them, and the way I'd potentially be ostracized and ridiculed for who I am.

In other news, the fam went out to dinner today. The restaurant we went to changed their menu a bit since the last time I remember eating there. There was no chicken fajitas, which I remember enjoying, and there was no awesome S'mores dessert, either. I ended up having chicken tenders instead (boring, I know, but they were pretty good), and some chocolate banana bread pudding that was so-so. Oh, I also had the baked potato soup, which was not bad. I like a good soup, but most soups just aren't my kind of flavor. So it's nice to find/know of one that I like. The waitress we had looked very familiar - I'm sure I must have had some class with her in high school. Of course I didn't say anything, because it's not like I was ever friends with her. I probably never even spoke to her, and there's no reason to break that streak now.

For my book-reading progress, I took a break after I got halfway through the third of my self-helpish books, since that's when my reading lamp bulb broke, and I still have yet to replace it. Maybe the rest of that book will provide some more ideas, but I'm still at a loss. I question how much of my inability to cope with society is because of my uniquity, and how much is because of my fears. I like to place a healthy share of the blame on the fact that I'm different, and that I'm just not programmed to work as a part of this machine. But maybe I'm just avoiding the real issue. If I could conquer my fears, maybe it would be possible to actually do something with my uniquity. Like, maybe I'd actually find someone to play guitar with, or maybe I'd find a way to make a living as a photographer, or perhaps a model. Or maybe I'd actually be able to get some kind of job as a DJ, or work in a music store, or something like that. The bottom line is, there are actions I could be taking that I'm not taking, and the reason I'm not taking them is because I'm afraid. And that fear is something that's been ingrained into my behavioral and cognitive processes for a good 24 years. So I'm still trying to figure out what to do (what I *can* do) about it.

The Artist Is Always Naked

I doubt that phrase was meant to be taken literally, but it wouldn't be all that inaccurate a description for me. I wasn't planning on doing anything special for Valentine's Day, but something worked out anyway. I'll get to that shortly, but first, on a somewhat related topic, I'd like to bring up my underwear again. If nothing else, it must be a good sign that I'm a little bit less anxious about talking about my underwear than I was the first time.

I did my laundry today, having gotten into the habit of doing it on Thursday nights, since my other brother, though away during the week for work (since this is his busy season), comes home for weekends. Anyway, I have three sets of underwear (sets, not pairs), not counting my pleasure pair of silk boxers. Of those three sets, there's only one pair left of my old set, six pairs of the 'usual' set, and I don't know how many of the [relatively] new set since I don't ever wear them, because they're uncomfortable - they come up way too high around the waist. First, to clarify, despite conclusions some people I know may have come to, I've decided that, as long as I'm wearing clothes, I feel more comfortable with a little support, so provided I do laundry regularly, the plan is to wear the underwear I have. Well, that last pair of the old set was getting kind of raggedy (torn in places), and I couldn't help tearing it apart. I tore out the fabric, leaving just the frame of the briefs intact. It's kind of interesting to wear, because you feel the seams, and you almost want to believe you've got underwear on, but then you realize there's actually no layer between you and the air/your pants. It might sound pretty silly, but it's kind of fun to wear. It's almost like having some bondage rope to outline your figure, but you don't have to make any effort to put it on, and it's a cinch to take off.

Okay, well, that might answer a question you might otherwise have had if you end up doing certain things that I'll be talking about later on in this post. Cryptic enough for ya? I've been thinking about getting some new underwear, not just to replace old pairs I have, but because I've been toying with the idea of trying a new style. I've already explained that boxers have little appeal to me. But briefs themselves are pretty lame. I'd want something with a little more style, and something that has a low waist, since that's the direction fashions are going these days, and I've gotten used to it, myself. In other words, I was thinking about maybe trying bikini briefs, and maybe in something other than a bland white. Not like a string bikini brief or anything, but just something that only really covers what needs to be covered. The one thing that bothers me most about traditional brief designs is that overlapping pocket/hole thing in the front. I have never once used it and frankly, it doesn't seem any easier or more convenient than simply flipping down the top, to get your friend out (even when it comes down to unbuckling and unbuttoning - it's still more dependable than fishing for an eel). I mean, even if I was pissing in front of other people, which is something I generally wouldn't volunteer to do, I don't see how it could be so important that I get my snake out without risking exposure of his eggs. What does it even matter? It's not like other people would be concentrating on it (or if they were, they probably wouldn't mind seeing a little more...).

Okay, I apologize, I had no idea this discussion was going to head in this direction. But I don't want to avoid talking about things just because I'm not entirely comfortable talking about them - otherwise, that would reinforce the idea in my head that there are certain things about me that I'm not allowed to talk about, and therefore should be ashamed of. Moving to more interesting things...

I was in an unusual mood tonight, after watching my daily episode of Millenium. There was an odd show on the History Channel (my TV just happened to be on that channel, because of the last show I watched) about pig farming, and when I shut off the DVD, the show was talking about selective genetics, and the methods they use to preserve pig semen. Yeah. TV has a powerful hold, though. I'm sitting in that chair, watching shows that hold my interest, and it feels like there could be nothing better than staying in that chair and watching more TV, even after the show(s) I was interested in have ended. Because it's almost like dreaming - you ignore all your physical barriers, you don't have to exert yourself whatsoever, you just sit, and watch, and be entertained. But it's dangerous, because you end up wasting time watching stuff that does you no good beyond killing time, and the constant commercial breaks wear your brain down, and over time, you enter a zombie-like state that eats away at you and your ability to ever do anything else in life away from the television set.

Sometimes it's hard to hit that power button, but it's like a massive release when I do. At first, I'm disappointed, because the entertainment box has died, but very quickly the release washes over me, and I feel free to exist again. I tried reading some more from the third and last of the self-helpish books I got in December, Anxiety Disorders And Phobias: A Cognitive Perspective, but I was getting easily distracted. At first, I was afraid that, of the three, that book would be an effort because it would have a lot more technical language, and be more about psychological theories than therapy approaches. And it is, but it hasn't been a problem - it's actually very interesting, and I look forward to reading more. But today I was distracted. I spent some time looking up stuff about hikikomori and freeters and shut-ins and parasite singles, online. I want some books that can tell me how to fight avoidance itself, but it doesn't seem to be as common as stuff about fighting anxiety...

Ok, time for the interesting part. After tearing up my underwear, I put on the three blacklights in my room, on a whim. I also picked up the neon green plastic toy squirtgun sitting on the table, since it was glowing. Looking in the mirror, I got the idea to maybe try and take some pictures. You know, test out that spiffy new tripod I recently got! Well, that little tripod was a massive help. Considering I literally spent less than ten bucks on it, I wish I had gotten one years ago. Finally, I can set up shots in all kinds of places, without having to be there holding the camera! Of course, that doesn't eliminate the trouble of doing self-portrait photography. There's a lot of work in thinking of a pose, hitting the button, then rushing into place before the shutter snaps. And with the camera I have, I have to reset the options for every shot (in this case - no flash, self-timer, go!). Now, there may be a way for it to remember and repeat the settings automatically, but I looked through the menus and I couldn't find it. So it was still a challenge, but a much better success with that tripod, and I think I got some decent, interesting shots. Plus, it was fun, as always. I put my favorites up on my Flickr account, so I guess this is sort of my Valentine's Day gift to the [online] world. Again, if you want to see them, you'll have to login on a registered account, and turn the content filter off. Hope your V-Day wasn't too heartbreaking!

Journal 011

I got to bed at a decent time last night; I was actually in bed before 7, and the difference showed, as I felt a whole lot better about getting up at 5 than I have been lately, even if I was still not exactly jumping out of bed by that time. Temperatures seem to have gotten colder since that short mild span, not that I've really been outside much. Though I just peeked out the window, and it looks like a light layering of snow fell at some point during the night. From what I can see in the darkness, there's a nice wintry wonderland look to the air, even if the snow is only light, and the roads slick instead of powdered.

I read an article on Cloverfield in Fangoria, and the more I read/hear about the movie, the more I get the impression it's something I gotta see. It's only been out 3 weeks, but I'm surprised it's still showing in the first-run theaters. That goes to show both how jaded I am by the theater business, and how well the movie seems to be doing. At any rate, I've got myself into the mood, now that I know what the movie's gonna be like, and that I have a good feeling it'll be worth the effort, so I'm thinking about catching it soon before that mood fades.

My Dreaded Lord Taskgiver has been dumping some really good manga series on me lately. He persuaded me to read Kurozuka, a 10 volume series about a couple of immortals and their adventures through time. It was really good. He also put me in connection with the Sailor Moon manga series, which I am excited about, since I'm a pretty big fan of the Sailor Moon anime series, considering that it was one of the first series that got me hooked. I've read the first two parts (up through Sailor Moon R), and it's been very good. Some interesting differences in the storyline than what I'm familiar with, but nothing too drastic, as far as I can remember. And then there's a series called Blame!, which I haven't looked at yet, but from the descriptions I'm getting, it sounds interesting.

So I'm running out of space on my hard drives. I finally went through with uninstalling Tomb Raider Anniversary on my C drive, a little while ago. That freed up a whole 4 gigs or more (man, it was a huge game). And my D drive is right about at its max. So I've actually been putting those manga series on my C drive temporarily, until I free up some space on D. To do that, I considered what would be the best way to make some space fast, and I realized I had a few entire anime series sitting on my drive, just waiting to be archived on DVD, after I get around to watching them. So of the three I have in full, I decided I'd watch Negima real quick, so I could move it off. I watched half of it today (13 episodes), and I'm really enjoying it. So many adorable characters. I counted 31 in the class, from the scenes in the opening animation. And it doesn't really feel like a repeat of Love Hina, which is something I was a little afraid of.

Interestingly, the episode of Millenium I watched today had a similar theme to M. Night Shyamalan's The Village - with a gated community of people who feel immune to the evils of society, only to find that the evil exists even within their ranks. Afterward, I happened to catch an episode of Modern Marvels on the History Channel, purely by chance. It was about 90's technology, and the roots of the high-tech digital world we live in today. There was lots of interesting information about the internet, including the launching of Google and Amazon, and stuff on the development of cell phones, digital cameras, and GPS devices. And - my favorite part - they talked about the advent of FPS PC games, and not only mentioned Doom, but the Doom modding community! It was so awesome to hear them talk about that, even if just briefly, on television!!

I had an idea about this RPM Challenge. I thought about, instead of doing the ambient thing, I could actually try to do another album I've been planning for a while - Amusement Fair. For that album, I have a bunch of pre-written poems selected, and what I have to do is just turn them into songs. It would restore the whole song-crafting business that was lacking from my other project idea, and it would be a good excuse to do something I've been meaning to do. But I looked at it today, and I have to say, I've become discouraged. I realize that I really don't have much interest in being a songwriter. I don't really care about writing songs, so much. I just want to play them. So I dunno what's gonna happen. Tomorrow's yet another Open Stage, and I suppose it'll be exactly like the last however many since I've been doing the 'madness' thing. Maybe it's just a passing mood, but I don't have much confidence in being able to reach my dreams right now...

Aliens

Xenomorphs aside, little green (and often times grey) men have played a large role in my formative years. Although a skeptic at heart (though not in the philosophical sense), I am a very curious individual. The unsolved mysteries of life have always intrigued me, including aliens, ghosts, and all forms of cryptozoology. Despite Steven Spielberg's capitalization on the alien theme (with Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and E.T., both of which were a little before my time), it was the harsher characterization of aliens, like that in Fire In The Sky, and all the popular TV specials about UFO's and alien abduction stories, that formed my impression of intelligent extraterrestial life. To my young mind, these were very real possibilities, that both frightened and intrigued me.

It should be no surprise that The X-Files is one of my favorite TV series of all time, with its exploration of these themes, focusing on aliens and the government conspiracies that relate to them. I remember when The X-Files first started. I didn't watch it then, but I remember seeing commercials for it - specifically the episode where Mulder arranges a bunch of papers from a fax machine along the floor, then climbs a flight of stairs and looks down on the arrangement to notice that the random binary characters form the shape of a face. At first I thought The X-Files was a movie, but when the commercials persisted, I realized it was an ongoing series. I still didn't start watching it, but my older brother did. I remember him making comments over the phone to one of his friends, as they each watched it in their respective homes.

Like with most things, I was a late bloomer in my fandom for The X-Files. Between the fourth and fifth seasons, I learned that FX had arranged to air the first four seasons of the show nightly, in their original running order. The moment was ripe, and I realized this was my chance to finally jump into The X-Files. So I started watching it on FX, and when the fifth season started up, I taped the episodes to watch them after I had caught up, which I think occurred somewhere around the middle of that season. Turns out the first four seasons was the best of it, but it was nice to catch up and be right on the ball when the movie came out. That was an exciting moment for me. Then, the series continued to decline, and when Mulder dropped out, I lost interest. One day I'll make a point to watch those last couple seasons, but I'm in no particular hurry. I'm even more interested in going back and re-watching the first four seasons, since it's been a while now. I remember trying to collect the series on VHS. Luckily I didn't get very far, as DVD is totally the way to go, and worth waiting for. I saw the X-Files DVD Boxset at Best Buy recently. That's definitely the thing for me, but considering there's like, what, nine seasons? - it's rather expensive, and would represent quite a time commitment. So again, I'm not in a major hurry.

Getting back to aliens - like ghosts, my belief is that *something* is happening to give people these genuine experiences, but it's not necessarily what it appears to them to be. Just like Scully, I try to look for a rational and scientific explanation for these things. A great example is a flyer I got in my chemistry class in high school, debunking sightings of the Loch Ness Monster as nothing more than atmospheric conditions (it was a pretty convincing read). But I don't think every situation is that easy to explain.

One question that intrigues me endlessly is the notion of government conspiracy, like that in The X-Files. Area 51. The Roswell crash. Has the US government had contact with an extraterrestrial intelligence? Have they performed alien autopsies? Do they have remnants of alien spacecraft in some secret hangar somewhere? Were some of the inventions we use today inspired by extraterrestrial technology? Naturally, my skeptical mind finds all of this rather hard to believe. A very convincing argument is the realization that many important government "secrets" don't remain secret for very long - think of Watergate, and I'm sure you can come up with many more examples. Now, if the government did know something about aliens, do you think they could have actually kept it secret this well for at least half a century, if not longer? It's rather hard to believe.

And yet, the idea of it is fascinating, and you want to believe that if it was something this huge, they would go to extreme measures to keep it secret. Still, I tend to believe that it's more a dream than a reality. The fourth season cliffhanger to The X-Files - the Believe The Lie arc - fascinated me. And it was major - it even got Mulder to doubt his own faith in the existence of extraterrestrial aliens for a time. The idea is that the government indirectly fuels the alien conspiracy myth. They'd be fools to step right up and admit (falsely) that they have had contact with aliens (not to mention that they'd be lying outright). But instead, when their denials and cover-ups fuel rumours of these things, they like to encourage it in a roundabout, untraceable fashion. The reason is that, as long as people are postulating alien possibilities, the real truth of the government's top secret programs goes unnoticed.

That's why Mulder got as far as he did. If the government really had secrets to cover up, they would have eliminated Mulder had he ever got as close as he did all those times. But instead, Mulder was very important to the conspiracy. It's a two way street. If somebody claims to know of some connection between the government and aliens, they can easily be dismissed as a loony, their story discredited. But this doesn't convince the believers - in fact it only encourages them to believe that the government is trying to hide its dealings by appealing to people's sense of what is too bizarre to be true. So carefully orchestrating situations where a person like Mulder can witness something profound, while not realizing he's been set up, gives fuel to the believers. And that propagates the lie behind which the government hides the much more mundane, but still secret, truth.

But then you have to ask yourself how deep the government will go? Is the operative that revealed this scheme to Mulder just another one of their tricks, to get him to disbelieve because he got too close? It's a spiralling argument, and you soon find yourself in the midst of a game of wits against a Sicilian, with death on the line. And perhaps that confusion is another part of the strategy. Whatever happens, there's always some room for speculation. The truth is out there, somewhere.

And then there's the topic of alien abductions. How do you explain this phenomenon? I happen to be very skeptical of hypnosis. I don't really know all the details, but what separates a dream from a memory? Still, I believe there are people that have had experiences they can recall, to some extent, without hypnosis, so you have to believe that something is going on. I have heard citations of certain conditions created by some kind of magnetic, or perhaps electromagnetic, field disturbances - this sounds like something worth further research and experimentation. If we could reproduce an alien abduction experience in the safety of a medical lab, that would be a breakthrough.

Traumatizing as it is, I can believe something like an alien abduction experience can be entirely within the head, induced by any number of physical and psychological factors, but not involving any real aliens at all, or even necessarily the victim leaving the bed. There's a phenomenon called sleep paralysis, which I've actually experienced, that goes back a long way in history, where a person partially awakens while their body is still in a state of paralysis. This experience is accompanied by the feeling of a presence in the room, visual and auditory hallucinations, and extreme terror. During my experience, I actually questioned to myself if this was an alien abduction, which is something I feared the chance of experiencing all throughout my childhood. But no, I looked at the face of the figure kneeling beside my bed, and it looked more like the faceless assassin in The X-Files than your typical grey. And there was no medical experimentation.

Whether or not this phenomenon could have something to do with alien abduction experiences is worth looking into. I believe there are probably other factors, though. I love the idea of associating the alien abduction experience with the historical 'revelation', where a religious person might experience a visit by an angel, and maybe even be taken on a tour of heaven. Although one is decidedly divine, while the other rather terrifying, can there be some connection? Again, worth exploring. I've always been fascinated with psychology and brain states and the barriers between reality and illusion. Dreams most definitely included. Fascinating stuff. Learning how the mind works is a lot more insightful than learning the laws of nature, ultimately. I mean, if more is possible by imagination than by reality, then wouldn't it be more interesting to learn the laws of that world instead? I certainly think so.

I had a somewhat interesting experience last night. I got up from my chair, and I looked back at it, and I noticed it was turning ever so slowly. If I didn't know better, I might attribute the motion to some sort of poltergeist. I stared at it amusedly for a few moments, resisting the urge to push the chair and spoil the experience. Postulating the idea of the existence of a ghost in my room was somewhat frightening, and when I moved my arm toward the chair, wondering if I would feel a "cold spot", my arm got quite tingly. Of course, this was just a side-effect of allowing my mind to accept such an idea. Like the feeling you get when you're sitting in the dark and you start thinking about the things that could be hiding, and then your blood runs cold and your skin tingles. It's not evidence of anything more than your own thoughts. But it's interesting that you can think yourself into such a vulnerable position. Most times I walk through dark rooms, and even through the yard at night, without a second thought about those kinds of things. But the moment I take a minute to think about what ungodly things might be lurking in the shadows, the entire arena changes form, and suddenly I feel scared. Maybe a lot of this hokey pokey has to do with people projecting their emotions onto their environment. Some would argue that this very thing is a legitimate method of conjuring certain types of attention, by loosing one's aura and energy into the air. But that itself is questionable, I think.

In any case, the genesis of this strain of thought was the realization that Area 51 is in Nevada. Burning Man is also in Nevada. Obviously, Area 51 isn't quite a tourist destination that you can just take a tour of, but I *have* long been intrigued by the idea of driving down the Extraterrestrial Highway, and staying at (or at least visiting) the Little A'Le'Inn. And what better chance? Honestly, when's the next time I'm gonna be in Nevada? It would be a shame to pass up the opportunity. I'm thinking that on the way to the festival, we'll be anxious to get there on time, while on the way back, we can pretty much take our time getting home, as long as we have provisions (remembering that money *can* buy food and shelter outside of Burning Man).

Wow, one thing I'm noticing is that the western states are HUGE. It's almost like the surface of the Earth expands as you move westward across the country. And there's bound to be a lot less people, out in these desert-y and mountain-y parts, compared to the urban concentrations of the east coast. I wonder what the population density is like. Sure enough - http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/90/USA-2000-population-density.gif. You'd think a little trip from Reno to Rachel, from one side of Nevada to the other, would be like a few hours drive at most. But it's like 6 hours. Still, if it means an extra day of traveling, I think it would be worth it. And a 6 hour drive the day after the festival is probably better than going for like 10 hours or something.

Multimedia Milieu

These days, most of my time not spent wandering through the labyrinths of the internet is spent watching movies and reading books - mostly stuff I got for Christmas and am only now getting around to.

Redemption

I watched The Shawshank Redemption a few days ago. I had seen bits of it on TV before, so I thought I knew what it was all about, but it turns out I had a slightly different interpretation of it than what it turned out to be. I remembered the scene where the old guy got out of prison only to hang himself. Now, what I thought the whole 'Redemption' was about, was that the main character dedicated his whole life in prison to studying law, until finally overturning his sentence on some kind of technicality. Then, having redeemed himself, with his life having been wasted in prison, and with nothing left to prove, he killed himself. Could I be thinking about a different movie?

Anyhow, this one ends on a much brighter note. I like the whole issue of prisoners being "institutionalized" to the point that they can't really function in society - how they grow to become dependant on those walls and bars - and they end up preferring the jailed life to one of freedom, just because they're so used to it. One of the most interesting points, to me, is the point about fear. A man who's spent decades in jail gets used to it - he's no longer afraid of it. To a person such as that, being placed out in the real world, with newfound freedom, is much scarier than being in prison. And I can relate to that fear of the world. I know what it means to live in fear. I've practically jailed myself in this house, and I'm afraid to come out because, though I desire freedom, I'm also terrified of it.

I also like the scenes where Morgan Freeman's character tries to make his case to the parole board about whether he's been "rehabilitated". The first time, you feel bad that the board outright rejects him ("I'm up for rejection in a few weeks"). The next time, you realize that what he said the first time wasn't particularly sincere, since he says just about the same thing every single time - and then you realize why he was so easily rejected. Eventually you begin to realize that he's only saying what he thinks the board wants to hear, which obviously isn't going to convince them. Then, finally, the time he gets parole, he goes through a truly heartwarming speech about the lie of "rehabilitation", and he basically tells the board off, since he no longer really cares, but he does it in a way that genuinely demonstrates the nobility of his character and his regret over his crime - and this time, he's accepted. A little bit of irony, and a very beautiful demonstration of changing attitudes over the passage of time.

Berserk

Berserk is an amazing manga (Japanese comic) series about a man's fight against destiny in a world filled with demons - the true Dark Ages - and his quest for vengeance against a friend who betrayed him in the worst way. I really can't describe how good this series is - I get teary just thinking about it. I was introduced to it through the anime series, which is equally amazing, but only covers the very beginning of the story. Since then, I've been following the English translations of the manga, keeping up with the story.

I'm up to volume 19 now. After leaving Casca for the second time, Guts finally gets to see her again, but only briefly. The pagan ceremony was awesome. Something huge is about to happen, I can tell. They're at this huge religious tower surrounded by practically an army of refugees. And something has been hiding in the shadows, watching all that's been going on. And I think it's finally about to strike. This is a conjecture, but I'll bet the hidden thing is gonna inhabit that freak priest with the flat face (who practices 'prostration'), and we're gonna have a full-blown apostle on our hands. Those scenes in the torture dungeon were pretty hideous. One of the great things about this series is that it is successfully able to shamelessly marry intelligent plot and sympathetic characters with explicit sex and violence. I couldn't possibly ask for more! Except more volumes, that is.

Immortality

The Fountain was among the DVD's I got for Christmas. I remember noticing it when it originally came out. It looked interesting, but I didn't get around to seeing it. Well, now I have. I have to admit, it was a fascinating movie, although it went in a bit of a different direction than I was hoping. I guess you could say I was expecting more fantasy and less drama. But it was still a great tale. With lots to interpret.

I guess the core of the story is what takes place in present time. A doctor on the verge of discovering a medicinal elixir of life, extracted from a tree in Central America, is racing against time while the love of his life is dying of cancer. She in turn is writing a story about the Tree of Life, related to Spanish/Mayan history. Part of that mythology involves the Mayan underworld, named after a dying star observed in the heavens. A star that the main character is traveling toward, in a bubble-like spaceship with a dying tree, presumably far into the future. These three timelines tradeoff as the story unfolds, leaving you to guess just exactly how they fit together.

I guess one interpretation would be that the past scenes are merely an embodiment of the story, and the future scenes part of the doctor's madness - leaving us with just the present. But, if we want to be a little more adventurous, we could conjecture that the doctor does in reality discover the secret to immortality and that the future scenes actually happen as is. But is there an interpretation where the past scenes could be real as well? Because that's what I was hoping for - a tale about two lovers who exist through many ages, from the past through the present and on to the future. But considering what happens when the conquistador in the past finds the Tree of Life, it doesn't seem too reasonable.

Still, the beauty of the story is the sheer imagination of it and the way it was filmed, and how the different timelines interact with one another to create a rich tapestry of storytelling. That, and the question of immortality that is inevitably brought up. Is death just a disease, that needs to be cured? Or is death the road to awe? It's a tough question that's been asked as long as man has been around, I imagine. And I don't think the answer is as easy as some people pretend. Life and death both serve a purpose, and neither one is purely good, or bad. I don't think there is an ultimate answer as to whether or not death *should* have a place in life. But it does have that place, and there is very little we can do about it - and this fact, I believe, will continue to inspire people to fight against it. You have to be careful, though - there is a balance to be found between vying for eternal life and accepting the simple fact of death. If we get too caught up on living forever, we make death all the harder to bear. And I think that's one of the messages that The Fountain carries - the need to accept death.

Millenium

It's a little past its time, I guess, but having gotten the series for Christmas, I just started watching it. From the creator of The X-Files, it's been described as a darker version of that more popular series. I was aware of it when it was on for just a few short years before the turn of the millenium, but I never really watched it. I was totally absorbed in The X-Files around that time, and I don't think I would quite have been ready for it back then. But now, with my newfound interest in the horror genre, and the dark side of human nature, I think it's right up my alley.

I can't say much yet, as I've only seen the first two episodes. The story is about an ex-FBI agent (played by Lance Henriksen, who I've always known as the android Bishop from Aliens) who has a talent for seeing into the minds of killers. He balances his service as a member of a "consultant group" - the Millenium Group, whose aims are catching violent predators (and I suspect there's something deeper that hasn't been divulged yet) - with protecting his wife and young daughter (in general, and particularly from a potentially dangerous but as-yet-unidentified stalker). From the first episode, I get the impression the series will be dealing with catching a lot of truly disturbed murderers and rapists, but the second episode gives me hope that there is something deeper going on - that maybe there's an evil presence pulling the strings, that goes beyond the "cold heart and weak mind" of these killers. I'm anxious to see more.