Better Living Through Chemistry

Despite my natural and simplistic approach to life, I have a pretty progressive attitude toward modern technology. I don't really care about having the newest gadget on the market (being a fan of the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" motto), but from a philosophical standpoint, I embrace technology as the power of man, and I fully support the idea of "playing god". My feeling is, there is no god, so we might as well play him, because nobody else will. Hence I am, in general, sympathetic toward the transhumanist agenda.

However, when it comes to introducing foreign chemicals into my body, I'm very reluctant. I never do any drugs, and I absolutely hate taking medicine. It doesn't make a lot of sense - if I'm sick and in agony, and imbibing a certain chemical compound has a high chance of making me feel better, my course of action should be obvious. Yet I'm still reluctant.

From a holistic perspective, one might choose to argue that the human body is well prepared to deal with various sicknesses on its own, without modern medicinal assistance, and that otherwise, we wouldn't have survived this long. Well, I also think there's plenty of evidence to the contrary. Even personally, I have had more than my own share of evidence that the human body is not equipped all that adequately to deal with even the mundane sicknesses of the world. Being sick for months, with or without medicinal aid, is not an unfamiliar experience for me.

In fact, recently, I've started wondering if maybe I have a deficiency in my immune system (which certainly doesn't seem to be very immune). God forbid I should find out that I have AIDS and just never realized it. I remember narrowly avoiding talking to a doctor about a particular extended sickness back when I was a wee lad. I spent a whole week out of school (which is almost certainly my record), but ultimately, my reasoning for not going back was more psychological than physical. So I sucked it up and went back to school rather than see the doctor. I really wish I had seen that doctor, though, for the psychological problem moreso than any physical problem I might have/had. Course, confronting my problems has never been my strong suit.

Around the time of my senior year in high school, I was taking DayQuil regularly. It's fucking ridiculous to think of it now - I had to take DayQuil daily just to feel normal. I wasn't addicted to it, I just needed to have it because without it, I would not have had the constitution to face the unending stresses of school life. I could have quit at any time, there just wasn't any logical reason to.

In my senior year of college, I stopped taking DayQuil. Heh, I don't mean to suggest that I continued taking it nonstop for those four years. I would take it off and on as my condition dictated. But I remember taking it regularly to stave off some sort of cold that year. And it got to the point where, even taking the stuff, I didn't feel any better. It was just as bad. I still couldn't get to sleep at night through the coughing. So I just quit taking it. I figured, if it's not helping, then I might as well get rid of it.

These past couple years, I've been living a sedentary lifestyle, which has allowed me plenty of time to sleep, even more time to rest, and very limited contact with other human beings (and their oh so horrible germs). And yet, I haven't stopped coughing for the past two and a half months or so. I frequently tell myself (I actually say this, I don't just think it), in a firm voice, "Stop it. Stop coughing. Just stop." Course, it never works.

I could take medicine, but what's the point? If I had to go out somewhere and do something important, yeah, then I'd try to take something to ease the agony. But if I'm just laying around anyway, I'd rather not pollute my system with foreign chemicals. Seriously, I am strongly against the idea that I should have to constantly take a specific substance just to be normal, just to be me, just to be.

On the other hand, if you think about it, food is kind of the same way. Although there's the option of variety, the fact is, you have to keep taking food in order to survive and maintain energy. So medicine shouldn't be such a big deal, right? Well, when they start making medicine in the form of little chewable chocolates (that actually taste like real chocolate, and not have some funky medicinal tang), then I'll start taking them. I mean, even the Cold-Eez that I do take on the occasion that I can spare some change to buy some, while it's not an unpleasant flavor, it's not exactly like chewing on candy, either.

Another thing I've been considering is the possibility that maybe some playa dust got lodged in my lungs or something while I was out in the desert, and now it's wreaking havoc on my respiratory system.

Shouldn't getting a lot of rest improve recovery time? Or does getting exercise actually help by keeping your body strong?

Go see a doctor, go see a doctor! Bah, humbug.

Success

Ever since losing my camera at Burning Man, and being forced backwards a technological step to the previous camera I used, which, though impressive when I first started using it, I cannot help now seeing as utter crap, there's been a huge depression in my interest and motivation for taking pictures. I'm still very much interested in photography, though, and thus I've been pining for a new camera. I've never owned what I refer to as a "real" camera - meaning, the kind of camera that "photographers" use, as opposed to the kind of camera that regular people use who are more interested in taking snapshots for the family album than they are in creating art. And right now, I'm staring at one of those "real" cameras and I'm seriously considering buying it.

Never mind my financial situation. It's not often that I feel that a certain course of action is "just right". Perhaps I'm deluding myself with impossibilities, but I can't help thinking that maybe, with a camera like this, I could actually start a path to becoming something of a professional photographer. Of course, I define "professional photographer" in my own specific, idiosyncratic terms, but the point is that maybe I could take photos good enough to make some money off of, and somewhere down the line, maybe I could actually reach a point where the idea of shooting models isn't just a pipe dream. It might be a long road, but it's gotta start somewhere.

So I'm looking through photos on Flickr, and I can't help thinking to myself, there are a lot of people out there taking really good photos. And I ask myself, who the hell am I to think that I could ever be good? I mean, I'm sure many of these people are just taking good pictures, without making a career or lifestyle out of it - so how could I honestly expect to ever create something that's worthy of people's attention, let alone money? If there are so many good photographers out there, how can I expect to ever make a splash? What does it take to "make it", and why should I believe that I have that?

"Why am I now so attractive when, just a couple of years ago as a butcher, nobody wanted to know? Why all that applause just for playing guitar?" (Peter Green)

Okay, I'm not oblivious. I realize that this is a lot of negative thinking that maybe I shouldn't be doing. But as the person that I am, I just don't know if it's better to dive in head first and believe in yourself, or hold back and play it cool. I guess you could say, "what is there to lose?", but that doesn't shake the confidence I have in my ability to fail.

I'm reminded of Naruto, and his conviction to one day become Hokage (leader) of Konoha Village. Never mind that everyone doubted him in the beginning; his determination has always been unwavering, and through the years, he's proved that not only might he have what it takes, but he may actually be the right man for the job.

So is announcing that you're gonna be something and then working towards it relentlessly enough to ensure that it will happen? I'm not so sure, but even if it is, I'm still not confident of my ability to work relentlessly towards a goal. But should I just give up on life? If I don't have enough confidence that I'll ever accomplish anything worthwhile in life (which is a pretty accurate assessment of my current situation), then what point is there in anything? I could just try accomplishing something, simply because I seem to have nothing to lose, but even then, it's hard to muster the motivation. I'm just having a really really hard time *believing* that I can accomplish anything. God, this sucks.

So, should I become Naruto and just say "fuck it, I'm gonna be a winner"?, and then do it?

The problem with convictions (and everything in my life), is that they depend on moods and certain perspectives, and it's hard for me to stick to one for long before finding myself back in my cozy little pit of despair where nothing really matters.

On the other hand, even if I never become a good guitarist, I still think that that guitar may be the best thing I ever bought in my life.

Struggle, struggle, struggle, that's all life is. I've always maintained that if god would give me even a small taste of the good stuff, that would be the motivation I'd need to be a better servant. If he could just show me that I'm not alone, that I'm not in this all on my own, I'd be more than happy to return the love. But in the absence of his presence, I have to believe that I could struggle my entire life and get no reward whatsoever. The least he could do is dangle a carrot in front of my face. An actual, physical carrot that I could see and smell, not some illusory dream carrot that doesn't really exist. Show me a real carrot, and I'll start running. In the meantime, don't be surprised if I decide there's no point in getting out of bed in the evening.

Fuck you, god.

Giving Thanks

Not to get all sappy, but since it is Thanksgiving, here are just a scant few things that I am thankful for (remembering that quality trumps quantity):

*2D Girls - Maybe they can't do everything that 3D girls can do, but they're a hell of a lot easier to approach.

*The Blues - It's comforting knowing that there exists a musical expression for the pain and sadness I carry in my heart.

*Pirates - I'm more of a ninja guy myself, but when it comes to stickin' it to The Man, pirates are the people who remind us all that "no law can be sacred but that of my nature".

Consumerism (or Luciferianism)

I don't understand money. I never understood money. It doesn't jibe with my fundamental nature. Money is the fuel of life in modern society. You need money to do anything and everything. But the paradox is that you have to spend the money you have in order to do those things. So how can I consolidate the desire to have money with the need to spend money? Should I spend my money on this? Or should I save it for something else? But if I spend my money here and now, I'm not gonna have it later for something else. Even if the money I have right now is more than enough to afford these things, how can I know that I won't find myself in a situation later where the money I have isn't sufficient? It's just all so freaking screwed up, and I just can't get it straight in my head.

I think about going and hanging out at coffee shops. Take a book. Read for an hour every day. Worst case scenario, I get out of the house and get a chance to read more. Best case scenario, I happen to meet some cool people, gain confidence and experience in social situations, maybe meet some musicians that might wanna jam with me, maybe meet some girls that are interested in art and photography. But I can't justify hanging out at a coffee shop regularly without spending money there. I may not actually be kicked out, but generally the amenities offered at a place such as this are understood to be there for paying customers, more or less. To go in once or twice and not pay isn't a big deal, but if you start using their shop as a living room, they're gonna expect you to compensate them in some manner.

I think about going out during the day and just wandering. In the car, since walking won't get me anywhere worthwhile. I have nothing else to do, so meandering about town all day long isn't really gonna cut into anything important on my schedule. Going to stores, malls, maybe even museums and conventions and concerts and movies and who knows. Get used to being out in the world, as well as being around other people. Who knows, maybe I'd even come across a job opportunity that could actually interest me, like at a music store or something. But all of this costs money. Even if I just loitered places and didn't buy things (or services), I'd still have to pay for gas, and for food - neither of these expenses exist when I stay at home.

I can't afford to blow money like this - a few bucks here, a few bucks there, every single day. Which makes it harder for me to get out there in the first place. And even if I managed to get a job first, to provide a source of income, that still doesn't change my fundamental nature - why spend all this money now if I might need it for more important things later. It doesn't change the fact that deep within, I just don't *agree* with the way society runs. And that's what's stopping me from being Joe Everyday. I just don't agree with this world, no matter which way I try to look at it, it just doesn't fit. That's why I don't understand how to do normal things that other people do without thinking. They look at me strangely and ask why I'm having so much trouble with something so simple, and the answer is, I just don't get it. It doesn't make any sense. Why am I here? Why in this world? Who the hell decided things should work this way anyway?

Who knows...

Holidays

When did I start looking forward to Thanksgiving more than Christmas? On Thanksgiving, I can get up at a reasonable time (not more than a couple hours earlier than usual), eat a huge and satisfying meal (the best meal of the year, in fact) among a mercifully small crowd of family, and then lounge around the house the rest of the night, doing whatever I feel like. On Christmas, I have to get up early in the morning (which is the absolute worst time of the day for me to get up), after the previous night's crowded, claustrophobic family party, and then stay up all. day. long. until the evening (after dinner) when I can finally stop visiting family and just collapse into bed. And that's not even mentioning the consumer nightmare that is gift-giving (let alone the preparations for it)! Give me a break!

Defined by Disorder

Yesterday I found myself studying the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) system for defining personality types based on Jungian theories. (A brief aside: I don't hide my distaste for Sigmund Freud, but even though Carl Jung was also far from developing a solidly scientific basis for psychology, I have a lot more respect for him, and his theories take on an almost romantic, mystical quality for me). Although the MBTI system is far from perfect in terms of pigeonholing the population into distinct personality types, I don't think there's much doubt that it's a lot better than something like astrology, and regardless of the system's limitations, I'm discovering that there's quite a lot of depth to it, and much wisdom to be gleaned from a grounded study of the various personality types and particularly the boundaries between them.

So I've been trying to figure out just which personality type best describes me, and I'm having a little trouble. There's no doubt that I am an Introvert, and it seems pretty clear that I am more iNtuiting than Sensing, but after that it gets a little tougher. There's a test I've taken a few times over the past couple years, and I've gotten pretty consistent results. The trouble is, I've always been just barely above the midpoint for those last two attributes, so while this particular test would mark me as Thinking rather than Feeling, and Judging rather than Perceiving, the fact is that it is possible that I could easily swing to the other side given different questions.

To further complicate matters, I took a different test elsewhere (at mypersonality.info) which expectedly marked me as an iNtuitive Introvert, and placed me just above the midpoint for Judging over Perceiving, but instead of Thinking, I scored Feeling with a slightly larger distance from the midpoint than I had on the previous test (in the opposite direction). Of course, no one of these tests is foolproof and 100% accurate, but I feel like my rational scientific side is battling my temperamental artistic side.

So I'm willing to believe that I truly exist in the middle of a couple of these dichotomies, but I'm still curious about what kind of people fall into each personality type - especially the ones I'm teetering between. Who knows, maybe I can relate better to the average population of one group more than another. Unfortunately, reading summaries of the personality types hasn't helped a whole lot, because depending on the source, I can find myself agreeing with the description of multiple types, or none of them. But, I found an alternative solution - exploring message board forums dedicated to specific personality types.

So far, I've explored the INTJ and INTP boards more than others. From a purely superficial perspective, I would definitely say that I am more of a Thinker than a Feeler, and that whatever part of me "Feels" (understanding that the nuance of the term in this context is not necessarily obvious) is either subdued or not as fundamental to my being as the part that "Thinks". Additionally, I briefly browsed an INFx (can't remember if it was J or P) board and was unimpressed with the personalities on display. On the other hand, the INTJ and INTP boards have both provided quite a bit of discussion that I can find interest in.

As much as I want to find out one personality type that fits me the most, even if it's only a little bit better than another one, my opinion on where I fit unfortunately tends to sway quite a bit depending on who's offering the description. Although the test I took three times would yield the narrow margin toward INTJ over INTP, I'm finding from people's own descriptions that the INTJ's tend to be more action-oriented, dedicated to seeing their plans implemented, whereas the INTP's seem to be more concerned with the formulation of the plans only. In that case, I'd lean towards the INTP side of the spectrum. On the other hand, I'm hearing things that suggest that INTJ's are more concerned with organization and order than INTP's, and that would sway me a little in the opposite direction. Maybe I should just content myself with being labeled an INTx, with potential circumstantial F preferences...

The bottom line is, regardless of how I decide to label myself, it's exciting finding a discussion board with other people who, in general, think in patterns that are not entirely alien to my own.

Another thing that crossed my mind while trying to pigeonhole my personality, is just how much a disorder defines a person's identity. How much is a disorder an obstacle that blocks a person from realizing their true, latent identity, and how much is that disorder a fundamental part of that person's identity? Is the disordered me the real me, or is there a realer me hiding inside somewhere, afraid to come out? After all, what would I be like if I didn't have this anxiety disorder? If I never had it? How much different would I be? What kind of person would I be? Would I be essentially the same person, minus the anxiety, or would the lack of that obstacle have allowed certain inhibited aspects of my personality to shine through? Is it possible that I could have even been an extravert, or at the least, outgoing? Does that capability exist within me? Is it merely locked away, or is it just not there to begin with?

There's a specific reason why I question this. Looking at my brother, at times, is kind of like looking into a funhouse mirror. An upside-down funhouse mirror. A cracked, upside-down funhouse mirror. A cracked, upside-down funhouse mirror in one of those old abandoned funhouses that are almost definitely haunted. I've always considered myself a loner, and now he is whole-heartedly embracing the loner's manifesto. But the more he characterizes himself as a loner, the more I tend to question how much of a loner I really am. I mean, in practice, I consider myself to be more of a loner than he is, but in my heart, I don't think there's any question which one of us is truly a loner. The way I see it, my brother has social connections, but would rather get rid of them. In contrast, I have hardly any social connections, but I long to have more of them. The reason I avoid people is not because I don't want to be around people, but because this disorder I have makes it uncomfortable for me to be around people. Can I truly be a loner if being alone makes me feel alone?

I guess I probably shouldn't question it so much. Not all loners are alike, that's one of the fundamental tenets of lonerism. You'll never see us banding together. It's just that, I don't feel content being who I am. I don't want to be me. I wish I was someone else.

Anime Chekku

Being that I'm a NEET, and a self-described hikikomori, it occurs to me that maybe I should mention with a little more frequency the anime I watch, as it seems to be part of the territory.

Sakotsu Moe



I recently watched a 4 episode OVA series titled Kyou no Go no Ni ("Today in Class 5-2"). The sole reason I picked it up is because I read that there was a scene in which the characters describe the appeal of a girl's collarbone, in contrast with the more common focus on breasts. Naturally, I had to check it out for myself. Turns out to be more of a joke than a serious discussion, but it was still pretty amusing - which is the way I'd describe the rest of the series, as well. Despite the questionable combination of ecchi and elementary school, the series manages to be quite funny and even a little bit endearing, without, in my opinion, crossing the line. As a summary I read elsewhere puts it, this is 5th grade the way you *wish* you remembered it.

Hikikomori: Homicidal Teens of Japan



I don't like the stereotyping of hikikomori as violent recluses just waiting to explode on society, which is why I'm hoping that the delusions of the main character and hikikomori of new anime series Chaos;Head (based on a visual novel) turn out to have some kind of supernatural substance - but regardless of how it turns out, this is looking to be a pretty interesting story so far. I really liked the character of Kusunoki Yua at first, playing the part of the shy long-haired otaku girl - but unfortunately that largely turned out to be a ruse (presumably). Even so, the way she hesitated before sending that email, only to use the hand of her huggable frog plush to push the button, was totally cute. And the girl that sings in a band - totally hot. The fact that she looks like Ayanami Rei probably helps.

More Fun With Hikikomori



I'm also currently enjoying the series Hayate no Gotoku!, which features the radiant rich girl Sanzenin Nagi-ojousama. In addition to being a hikikomori (with a lot more money than most hikikomori), she's also got tsundere appeal. That's a pretty powerful one-two punch. And the series itself is quite amusing, chock full of parodic anime references.

All Grown Up



I finally watched the first [and second] episode of Naruto Shippuuden. I've been meaning to get on this series ever since I finished the first Naruto series (no mean feat), but you know how it goes. Three years have passed, and things are supposedly gonna get serious now. Naruto returns to Konoha Village after training with Jiraiya. The first order of business is to test Naruto (and Sakura's) newfound powers. And that's where Kakashi comes in. When Kakashi shockingly pulled down his mask to reveal his sharingan before the bout - that's when I knew things really were gonna get serious. I'm looking forward to what's in store.