25 March, 2008

Talk Don't Bother Me

Good luck with the title.

I gave my MySpace page a slight rehaul. Nothing major, just trying to slim it down a bit, without getting rid of anything important. I've been kind of lazy updating it lately, particularly since starting this blog. But not forcing myself to explain everything I put up there will make me more willing to keep it up to date. The whole point of that page, since my original reason for having it (i.e., keeping track of My Shady Uncle Thomas) has long expired, is for people who know me to keep up with "what's up" in my world - things I'm interested in and currently spending my time doing. I guess a secondary reason is for people I don't know to get to know me better, but it's not like I'm constantly making new friends over the net or anything. And besides, I doubt even the people I know check up on it all that frequently. And that doesn't bother me, because it's their prerogative, but what does bother me is when people ask me questions like "what's up?" when they could easily figure out the answers for themselves. I do this stuff for a reason, and it has to do with my general distaste for conversation. Think of it this way - you could make conversations with me richer, happier, and more meaningful if you did your homework.

I wrote this randomly a bit earlier today, sort of a rant, about this very topic:

I think the question "what are you thinking?" is an inconsiderate invasion of privacy. If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I'd just tell you. Ask me "what are you doing?", and there's a good chance I'll rate your intelligence lowly. Whatever happened to observation? I realize conversation is a give and take process, but I can largely do without it, so if you want to converse with me, do your homework. I don't like open-ended questions like "how's x-and-or-y?" Tell me what it is you actually want to know, and if it's something I don't think you could easily figure out yourself, without my help, then I'll be more inclined to divulge that information. I'm not a chit-chatty guy. Conversation is a means to an end. And that end is procuring information, insight, and feedback. If I like you, then after awhile, I might decide that you're worth my time for idle chit-chat. In the meantime, don't waste my time. (/end)

It's not like I'm singling anyone out. I hardly talk to people anyway. But maybe it would be helpful for you to have a better understanding of why that is. Although this is all pretty ridiculous, because honestly, who do I really expect to read this anyway? When I write this stuff, I write it firstly for myself, secondly for the one or two people I can expect will read it, and thirdly for the random people who might be surfing the web and might just happen to get interested in who I am and want to find out more.

Somebody I know, but don't see very often, might say, "tell me what's going on in your life!" Now, I'm too kind to say what I really think, but my instinct is to say, "if you're really interested in that, you could easily figure it out for yourself." I'd be so much more pleased if somebody I hadn't seen in years walked up to me and said, "I read that you're watching Millenium, have you finished the third season yet? Isn't it a great show?" I'd be taken aback at first, because I'd be surprised that anyone would actually care enough about me to find that sort of thing out. Gee, what a wonderful world we live in, where everybody cares so much about everybody else!

Sigh, I guess it's just a matter of me being a loner, not versed or interested in standard social etiquette, hoping to eliminate my loneliness in alternative ways that the majority of civilization, not loners, are not versed or interested in.

I think I'd have a better time normalizing myself if I was drowned in people, so that I didn't have all this time to sit within myself and reinforce all the negative self-image issues I have. But that doesn't change who I am or how I think. It doesn't change my fear and apprehension about approaching people, and it doesn't change my level of anxiety and discomfort when subjected to the presence of others.

The human mind is a terrible place to live.

1 comment:

  1. I find myself doing a lot of linking to articles I've written when people ask me about things online. If I'm having a real conversation in person, I'm usually game to reiterate my thoughts, but if I care about something enough to put it in writing, I tend to be pretty thorough and would rather point someone to the best possible explanation that I've already crafted.