03 March, 2008

Journal 014

Seriously, where did three days go?

Story time!

I learned how to add notes to photos in flickr today. Not that there's much to learn, although it was being buggy in Opera, so I ended up doing it in IE to make sure it would work right. But it's the first time I've ever actually added notes to a photo. Today's nude is a little more mundane than average, I think, but there's a neat little trick to it that wasn't actually inspired by, but perfectly mirrors in hindsight, the gimmick on the cover of Pink Floyd's experimental double album Ummagumma. I wonder how many of the few people that even see the photo will get the connection... I figured it was best to leave it a mystery and let the knowledgeable figure it out for themselves.

I know I already said that I didn't care /what/ people did as a result of seeing my nude photos, as long as it doesn't bother me - and I stand by that - but still, I'd like to hope that in the long run, my work receives more interest from artists, and actual nudists, than perverts. Not that I have a particular problem with the perverts, but it's just not the kind of people I'm looking to have a connection with. Hell, I'd love it if even just a woman got a kick out of my photos, regardless of intentions, but as far as I know (and I could be wrong), women, on average, aren't nearly as interested in seeing men naked as (straight) men are in seeing women naked. So where does that leave me? If you see naked men on the internet, what's your first assumption?

I'm 100% straight, and I'll admit I have homophobic tendencies. Though I'm straight, I'm not narrow-minded; I have no problem with other people who choose different ways to live their lives. What I /do/ have a problem with is largely a matter of image. The superficial argument goes something like this: I have enough trouble meeting girls as it is, I can't afford to let anyone have even the slightest doubt about my orientation. Then again, if you think about how much girls fawn over the gay guy, it seems like it'd be a nice way to weasel their affections, and in this bi-curious modern era, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to "suddenly" expand your horizons, fulfilling your girlfriends' forbidden dreams, which is secretly what you were trying to do in the first place!

Well, I'm not deceptive enough to try a thing like that. But furthermore, there is a more fundamental problem I have with the idea of guy-on-guy relations. Again, I make it a point not to judge others based on my own beliefs and opinions, but that sort of thing just isn't for me. Sure, I have no problem with the idea of girl-on-girl relations, but before you call me a hypocrite - the important point here is that I love women, and that I don't love men. So as long as the subject of loving is women, I'm happy, regardless of who's giving the love, and if the subject becomes men, then I'm hightailing it out of there.

Now, once upon a time, an interesting question was raised by someone in my presence. If you find yourself sexy, does that make you gay (or bi, I suppose)? My immediate answer to the question was no, of course not, that's something completely different. And that's precisely what I believe. I'll admit it, I have narcissistic tendencies. Some people dread looking at their reflection in the mirror. You know what? I actually enjoy having mirrors sitting around my room, so I can look at myself every time I cross the room and whatnot. Especially when I'm naked. I find myself to be fairly sexy. Does that mean I'm attracted to guys? No way. It's just completely different when it's yourself. When I look in the mirror, oddly, I don't see a guy, I see me.

On the one hand, I feel like this is something that's kind of hard to explain. On the other hand, I suspect that maybe other people understand and perhaps experience it themselves more than I might expect. At any rate, the bottom line is that I can enjoy looking at pictures of myself nude, but I have very little interest in looking at pictures of any other guy nude - that "little" constituting my interest in a purely artistic representation of the male body, or certain nudist pictures where the focus isn't on the body specifically, but on the /idea/ of being nude, which I can sympathize with.

As far as I am concerned with people, which isn't a whole lot, I could do without them mostly. People make me very anxious, and I would live a much more peaceful and relaxed life without them. Granted, they're pretty much essential to living a full life in this day and age, and that anxiety is one of the things I'm trying to work against. But I'm doubtful about just how much I can fix. I have a great family, and at least one of my two brothers I'm pretty close with (even though it gets frustrating sometimes). I have a better friend than I could have ever predicted that I'd have, which is great, because without him, I'd probably be a full-blown shut-in, with no contact with people whatsoever, one of those hikikomori cases you hear about in the news (if you live in Japan, I guess).

So at this stage, although I like the idea of finding people to hang out with who share my interests (especially considering that the friend I mentioned above is currently living out-of-country), I'm pretty confident that the anxiety and effort of meeting and knowing those people wouldn't be worth it, and I have little motivation to add any new people into my life. Still, I'm always looking for a potential soulmate. Even if I sincerely doubt my chances of ever finding someone who could possibly meet my standards, I'm still not about to give up. And even though I don't even meet people, and I don't hang out with people, I'm still open to the idea that some day, some way, there /could/ be a person to fill that space that I'd love to have filled.

I guess it's kind of pathetic. I mean, what are the chances of me finding someone who is both an attractive female, /and/ shares my interests? If we talk about nudism alone, most of the vocal nudist population I've been exposed to is male, and middle-aged. And nudism is only one of the interests I have that is far out of the mainstream. I can't even find a way to live in this mainstream world, I certainly can't have anything to do with mainstream people. But it's hard to find radicals. First of all, they're a minority, so there's less of them. Plus, there're so many different kinds of radicals, it's impossible to find the type you want. You find the wrong type of radical, and yeah, they might be just as anti-mainstream as you are, but they might have wild beliefs and opinions that run drastically counter to your own. And that ain't gonna work. It's like the world is saying, "step into the mold, or fend for yourself." And I couldn't fit into the mold if I wanted to try.

Well, this has been interesting. I almost dread what a certain reader might say in response. We share a lot of the same ideas about things, but our philosophies diverge considerably at some point. I feel like he's trying to push me to adopt his outlook, and it's not going to happen. Then again, I reluctantly find myself trying to force him to see some of the things I see, and that's not going to happen, either. He chooses anger; I'm content to live with sadness. That's the difference between metal and blues, anyway. I don't care if everything sucks, it's still infinity times better than nothing. And just because there's no logic in god, that doesn't mean there isn't any logic in life, or love. Maybe it is all based on gut feelings, in the end. I feel enlightened because I'm not infected with god. Maybe he feels enlightened because he's not infected with life or love, beyond what's forced upon him. Still, even though I have no love lost for god, I wouldn't give up life or love for anything in the world. And that's who I am.

This is who we are.

The time is near.

790 days remaining.


  1. I know you've had relations on both sides as well, I'm just recounting my experience... I used to be a misandronist like yourself, until I started hanging around women more often and I found that they as wishy-washy and as worthy of disrespect as men are. I had let my chemical perception of female supremecy overcome the simple fact that a human by nature is a being which is terrible and unworthy of existence. If anything, my love for women has turned me into a misogynist now because with men I don't care very much and nothing they do to me is going to change my opinion of who they are because I don't care who they are, but I'm overly aware of how women act towards me and that can only lead to bad things.

    If I were to say anything, it'd be that I'm offended by your treatment of so-called "perverts." Their interpretation is realier than anyone else's.

    P.S. if you want to find attractive nudists, look to Europe. Huge population of young nudist females over there. Too bad none of that has rubbed off on Leah. Her sense of modesty is 100% American, regardless of the fact that her heart and soul reside in Germany. *sigh* But then I suppose her modesty is one of the alluring things about her. But how can that be right, because her lack of modestry regarding conversation is one of the BEST things about her. I guess both are true.

  2. He deals with life with anger? Does this guy even actually read your blog? Of course, he could just be sending you comments via AIM, but I've never seen a hint that he does...

    As a side note, and this may be somewhat connected with my whole experience of non-experience when it comes to girls, but girls have often thought I was gay for some reason or the other.

    I think it's a combination of everyone at my high school knowing I never had a girlfriend, me not caring about it too much, and having a bunch of platonic female friends.

    That was kind of self-perpetuating loop, unfortunately.

    It kind of turned into the same thing at college, though not only did I have a lot of platonic female friends, I also had a male friend with long blond hair that I hung out with a lot -- to the point where if one of us was out in public, odds were that the other was around, had been around, or would be around at some point...

    Okay, I'm probably exaggerating slightly, but not much.

    I've completely given up on finding a girl that has all of my interests. There's some kind of proverb or something about service (or something like that) that goes along the lines of: "you can have it done quickly, efficiently, or well -- pick two". I feel like that also goes for finding the right girl.

    I mean, it's probably easier to find someone who likes blues/classic rock and anime, then get them interested in nudism... than it is to find someone interested in nudism and classic rock and get them interested in anime. Or if you find someone interested in nudism and anime, odds are they probably have a playlist of Linkin Park or something.

    I realize I'm marginalizing your interests there, heh... it's just for the example.

    790 days? What happens at the beginning of May two years from now? That's too early to be the fourth anniversary of graduation... isn't it?

  3. May 5, 2000


    The Apocalypse

  4. Sorry, it's a Millenium reference. I might be a decade late, but it's still exciting.

    You may have a point about the nudist conversion thing, but I have to say, it's hard enough just finding a girl with good taste in music these days...