17 January, 2009


Just yesterday, I was browsing through some photos online, and I saw one that gave me an idea. An idea that involved standing behind a drawn female torso. I just so happened to have a large piece of cardboard lying around which I knew would work perfectly. The idea was to quickly sketch out a torso in pencil and then darken the outlines with a Sharpie. I looked through my ancient pencil stash, hoping to find one that was sharpened. I know I have one or two lying around, but I had trouble finding it, so I just grabbed a colored pencil from the bundle of colored pencils that are in that stash. It just so happened to be blue, which explains the color of the outline on my sketch.

Well, as soon as I started drawing in the lines, I kind of got carried away, and kept adding details and additional colors. I have zero drawing talent and about no experience, but sitting there sketching that torso out just felt so right. I really got into it and I was having fun. I eventually got to the point where you see it now, and I was satisfied with what I had. I'd love to darken it considerably so that it's easier to see, but I'm afraid that if do anything more to it, I'd just end up ruining it.

Anyway, it's just a silly little (well, big, actually) drawing, but I had so much fun drawing it, that I've started entertaining thoughts of getting some sort of easel and maybe a large sketch pad or something, just to fool around with while pretending to be a /real/ artist.

Dammit, why do I have to develop an interest in art /now/? Why couldn't I have done so back in high school, during art class? For god's sake, I had an artistic girlfriend that I accompanied to the art department on weekends, so she could work on her projects! I could have gone to an art school!

On the other hand, if I had done that, I might just have learned that the art world is a hypocritical, bureaucratic place, and that I don't have what it takes to be a real, talented artist. Then I would be forced to forsake all the time and effort I put into that life path to pursue something more straightforward like science.

I'm not the kind of person that likes to flit between concentrations. I get absorbed in things; my life is fueled by passion. When I get involved, I get involved for life. At least in theory. Yet I still haven't figured out who or what the hell I wanna be. Well, I've had ideas, but each time I get one, there are obstacles that seem to me to be impossible to overcome. Like, for example, I'd be perfectly happy being a blues guitarist, and nothing else, for the rest of my life. But god, you can't just pick up a guitar and play well because you *want* to play well. I don't know if it's a matter of talent or practice, but either way I'm screwed. And even if I can /get/ good, what the hell do I do in the meantime?

It's all mixed up. I'm so screwed up. I don't even know what to do with myself.

And as of today, I've been around for a quarter of a century. Hell of a lotta good those twenty-five years have done me...


  1. I'm reminded of the classic dialogue between brother & sister Jane and Trent Lane.

    Trent: Umm... why do you wanna go to art college? You're already an artist. I'd never go to music school. I wouldn't want any teachers trying to corrupt my vision. Can you imagine what 'Spiral' would sound like if we were actually, like... forced to practice? Even when we don't want to? Who are these people to judge you, anyway?

    Jane: What do you mean?

    Trent: Hey Janey, if they could create art, they wouldn't be teaching it.

    Jane: You know, you're actually starting to make sense. ... Why waste 4 years learning a bunch of useless technique and theory I'll probably just have to unlearn if I ever want to create my own style. I've come to a decision: you and I will pursue our muse together hunkered down here in our creative bunker, periodically issuing works that will rock the art and music worlds respectively.

    Trent: Mm... this isn't going to require me to get up for breakfast, is it?

    I've always felt age is very deceptive the way that we tend to take it. Inaugurably, your first 10 or so years at least really don't count at all. I mean, you can barely call yourself sentient at that point when you consider how unrelated all of those activities are to everything you'll do after. I say "age" should start at around 17 or 18 when ones sentience starts to become more static. I mean, I'm almost 21 but I sure as hell haven't spent 21 years being sincerely alive. Dig? There's no way that time spent as a child can count to our actual total when we start worrying about what we've done with our time.

    And let's not forget the other thing Jane Lane said... "I actually accomplished something today. I mean... other than getting up." 'Cause dammit getting up is hard to do.


    Also, since I rewatched Daria for this post, here's another quote.

    "This is just like highschool, but instead of telling teachers your homework isn't ready, you're telling people their table isn't ready, and they can't take a single point off your grade." Good deal ya?

  2. No, but they can take a few dollars off your tip, no? I dunno if you're coming from a different angle or what, but I think my first ten years are/were incredibly important, in terms of development. Maybe moreso the first five I might agree with you, but just because I don't remember it clearly doesn't mean that it doesn't have a profound impact on what I am today. I mean, it takes time to get used to living, and existing in the world and in society. And I don't mean the complicated things that I still have trouble with, but even the most basic rudimentary functions. Like imagine, if you awoke from nothingness. You wouldn't be immediately fit to cope with existence, you'd have to spend some time adjusting. Maybe that's what being a baby really is. Anyhow, yeah, it might not feel significant, but I don't think we can just ignore that period and reject its influence, just because its effect isn't as conscious.

    "Tangerine isn't as orange as..."

  3. Hostesses don't get tips. Well, in some places they might, but that's when people want tables extra quickly and that's called bribing generally...

    I dig what you're saying about development, what I mean is we can't really be held accountable for not having accomplished anything specific in our first 10 or more years. It's just not comparable, a completely different set of goals. You've been alive for 25 years but it's not like you've been an adult for 25 years, so I just think it's a misleading system.