Lost

I am lost. Hopelessly lost, amongst the battered ruins of a magnificent stone jungle, whose memories time itself has forgotten. Much like my own. The endless corridors and avenues of this stony maze are quite familiar to me, but they do not feel like home. If ever there was such a place, or any place beyond the limits of this vast, crumbling labyrinth, I know it not, in my heart or in my head. A dull, diffuse light - if you can call it that - falls gently from the cold surface of the sky, grey as the broken expanse beneath, casting an even glow over the stone wasteland. The busted outcroppings and myriad overhangings do not cast any shadows, as if their presence were merely a suggestion, and yet shadows there are - aimlessly wandering the maze, just as I am. Perhaps I appear as faded to them...

Truth and Sloth

"in the garden of earthly delights, I met two sisters there
one with skin as dark as night, the other pale, and fair
the latter spied I at water's fall, the former laid in wait
when to her I proceeded to call, I knew not she was the bait"

Truth and Sloth

There once was a man who fell asleep under a willow tree by a babbling stream in the forest after a relaxing morning walk. When he awoke, he was in a vast garden, the likes of which Nebuchadnezzar could never have dreamed. The stream had become a basin for a medium-sized waterfall, which toppled over a slick rock face about twice an average man's height. The sun peeked down through the layers of foliage above, indirectly illuminating the garden, while a gentle breeze cooled the day's heat and rustled the leaves rhythmically.

The sparkling water toppling over the rocks and splashing into the basin below beckoned to the man, who had suddenly felt a desire to refresh his body in the water. Stripping off his clothes, he stepped into the basin and waded toward the waterfall. The water was hardly deep enough to submerge the man's chest at the deepest point. As he approached the waterfall, the reflections of light in the falling water danced about in a mesmerizing pattern. The man blinked, and rubbed his eyes, and to his surprise, saw a woman emerge from behind the waterfall. She was fair, and her skin was pale; her long, wet locks of light-colored hair clung to her body and were her only covering.

Spellbound by the woman's crystal eyes, that stared back at the man, he advanced toward the woman and embraced her. The couple spun around under the splashing water, joined together as if one. The man caught a fleeting glimpse of a dark, scaly shape swimming toward the waterfall, and he snapped back to his senses. Disengaging himself from the mysterious beauty, he scanned the basin. As the woman reached her arms around the man from behind, the water began rippling from a central point just in front of them. Expecting some nightmarish seasnake to emerge to counter the dreamlike beauty of the woman, the man was surpised to see another woman rising from the water in front of him. She was a dark beauty, with skin as black as night. She wore some kind of scaly garment, draped about her, but full of holes, making it look like her body was covered half in skin, and half in reptilian scales. Her eyes were ablaze, and staring into them, the man's senses were again overcome. He blacked out just as he felt a scaly hand slither across his chest.

The man awoke again in an unfamiliar environment, but seemingly in the same garden as before. Sure enough, the dark woman was seated to his left, the fair woman to his right. They were nestled between the roots of a gigantic tree, with their backs against the wall-like trunk. The two women spoke in turns. The fair woman's voice was soft and gentle, the dark woman's deep and enchanting.

"Welcome to the Garden of Earthly Delights."
"Where all pleasures rooted in sin are yours for the taking."
"You have been brought here by your vain desire."
"In here, your deepest wish will be fulfilled."
"But beware, what you acquire here cannot be gotten rid of."
"The price of your entry is steeper than you can know."
"But you've already arrived; that means your mind is already set."
"And all will be revealed to you, very soon."

The two women stood up, and without looking back, walked away from the tree, into the verdant brush of the garden surround. Alone now, the man got up, and surveyed the area. Green life everywhere, peppered with vibrant, colorful blooms. Looking up, he spied the great tree's canopy far above. He thought he could make out sparkling red fruits hanging from some of the branches, but it was quite a far way up. Thinking of the fruit, he realized he was quite hungry. He began to feel a strong desire to consume those fruits.

He looked back at the trunk, and noticed something shining on the ground beside where he had been sitting just a moment before. He approached, and noticed it was a fancy blade. Picking it up, he instinctively thrust the blade into the trunk of the tree. Surprisingly, it cut through the tough bark like butter. A thick molasses began to pour out around the edges of where the blade was stuck in the tree. Overcome with a maddening desire, the man got down on his knees and began to lick the sugary lifeblood of the tree right from off the bark. It was delicious! He grabbed the blade and pulled it out of the tree. Now the lifeblood came surging out, enveloping the man in a sticky coating. He nearly drowned himself trying to consume it.

Just as he began to feel full, the tree's wound miraculously healed itself, and the lifeblood stopped flowing. The man slumped to the ground, partially submerged in a dark, sticky puddle. His body felt weak and tired, but his mind was exploding with energy. He felt himself getting smarter. Things that only confused him before suddenly started making sense. Everything became clearer to him, and deception and misdirection was replaced with shining truth. Questions rearranged themselves to form answers. All sorts of information flooded in, and his mind was overcome with clarity. The man felt that he had instantaneously reached ultimate enlightenment.

But then, the information stopped flowing. He still had access to everything that could be known, but there was a limit. His mind had gorged itself on all the secrets of the universe, and now there was no sustenance left. All that could be done was to regurgitate the same information over and over. Furthermore, a dark pit began to form at the center of the man's consciousness. It was the meaning of life. He couldn't ignore it, the one question most seeked out in the history of man. And the answer was a void. It gnawed at him from the inside. All of the bright bits of knowledge started to dim as they were slowly swallowed by that void. None of them had any more meaning beyond that void. Soon enough, the void encompassed all, and there was no hope left in the man, only deep, dark, despair.

His deepest wish having been fulfilled - to possess the truth and sum of all possible knowledge - the man never got up from beside that tree again. There was simply no point. He feasted on the fruits of the great tree that periodically dropped to the ground around him, but the enjoyment of eating them was ruined by the dark pit of despair at the core of each one. The two women who tended the garden visited him regularly, to satisfy his animal needs, but it gave him little satisfaction. There was no point in anything anymore. Not in living, not even in dying. And so he remained there, until the end of time.

A Window Story

Disclaimer: The events depicted in this story are fictitious. Any similarity to any persons, living or dead, is merely coincidental.

Spring Has Come Again

There once was a young man who lived in a tower. He liked to spend his days sitting at the window, watching all the interesting people shuffling on by below him, engaged in their busy, active lives. The young man was too timid to venture out into that world himself, but he was content to simply sit by and watch, living out his fantasies through imagination, fueled by the images of the people he saw strolling by below.

That is to say, he was content, until one day, when he spied the most beautiful woman in the world returning home by the path that ran within sight of the young man's window - and watchful eye. He was entranced by this sight, and found himself glued to the window day and night, hoping for another glance of this woman. But each time he saw her, it wasn't enough, and he had to see her again, until he found himself wishing, for the first time ever, that he could descend to that world below him, and meet this beautiful woman in person.

Now, this was a very absurd feeling, contrary to what the young man was accustomed to. He denied it at first, not wanting to risk the dangers of leaving the safety of his perch. But regardless, he remained glued to that window, and now, instead of watching all the people flitter by, his gaze was tuned to only one figure, and when she wasn't in view, he was unsatisfied, yet ever vigilant.

Love Doesn't Reign, It Pores

The spring brought heavy rains, and the young man's heart softened. The beautiful woman stopped walking past the young man's window, and as a result he became depressed and began to feel empty. The simple contentment he had once felt being at a distance from the world below, was now gone from him. His sheltered existence provided him no solace. A fire began burning within him - small at first, but ever increasing. Eventually it burned so strongly that the young man could no longer sit idly by.

For the first time, the young man descended those long stairs, and entered the world he had watched for so long. Seeking out the beautiful woman that had entranced him, he found her, and, timid though he was, managed to make her acquaintance. The spring rains erupted into thunder and lightning, and the young man's world was turned upside down by intense emotions he had never experienced before.

The Illusion Of Summer

It was still unclear to the young man, but his passion had blinded him, like the brightest rays of the sun. Where he saw divinity, there was only humanity. Where he saw perfection, there was only mediocrity. Where he saw purity, there was only dogma. But he pursued this bright image of an angel, believing she had descended from even higher than his own perch, not realizing that she had truly come from a bit lower down.

She was no agent of evil, but the devil had planted his seed of darkness, by taking advantage of the woman's beauty, and by corrupting the man's sight. Even now, the coming darkness was shielded from view by the blinding light that the young man thought he saw. It was only a matter of time, however, before the illusion was shattered by reality.

A Hard Fall

The illusion was dispelled, but the devil's seed had bloomed. The young man entered a state of full-blown despair. Everything that had once held meaning became utterly meaningless. The young man retreated back to his lonely tower, and sobbed in the darkness for what was lost, and what he had hoped for, but had never truly gained.

Meanwhile, the princess accompanied the black knight to the grand ball, protected by his shining crest, while the dragon of the deep celebrated his victory over the heart of one vulnerable man.

A Cold, Cold Winter

Years pass, and the young man's heart is still submerged in a thick layer of ice, his world still shrouded in darkness. He doesn't even bother to look out the window any more. These days, his gaze is directed within. Is there any hope for him? Will the spring ever come again?

The Artful Dodger

Art is a form of creative expression. Art is the process by which an artist externalizes his/her vision, so that he/she may present it to others. It is an artist's job to find a method by which he/she can communicate these visions. A writer forms ideas into words, so that others may read those words and grasp the original ideas. A painter finds ways to manipulate images, shapes, and colors, to represent feelings and inspire emotions. A photographer finds reflections of meaning in naturally existing subjects. A musician manipulates musical tones to affect listeners emotionally. In all forms of art, there is an idea, an expression, and a reaction. Each of these is important.

Personally, I find that I do not lack ideas. But the part of art that I constantly struggle with is expression. Every form of expression I've tried has been insufficient to convey the ideas I want to convey. It's not that these forms are incapable, but that I am incapable of manipulating them in the necessary ways. But what is an artist who cannot create art?

I am a very ordered perfectionist. When thoughts get tangled, I become very distressed, and it's hard for me to tie them back together. Writing is too one-dimensional. You start in one place, and you read until you get to another place. You cannot be in two places at one time, and it takes time to sufficiently enter a place so that you have absorbed all of the necessary details. Creating an image, a picture, helps to alleviate this problem. They say a picture is worth a thousand words - and it's a lot faster to register than a thousand words would be. I think I would have a much easier time forming my ideas if I could draw them out into a visible form. Instead of spending paragraphs describing the appearance of people or places, it would be so much easier to just draw them, so that I can take a single look. I can already see them in my head, so there would be nothing more effective. But the problem is, I can't draw for shit. I can only draw very simple shapes; I don't know how to put lines together to form complex arrangements. If I see something in my mind, I have no way of showing it.

I think the web system of HTML is very fascinating. The idea of things linking together in any kind of way, like a system of cross-references, allows for a very non-linear presentation of information. When I start working out ideas for, say, a story, I tend to put the pieces together in chunks, here and there. And over time, I'll modify those chunks with new ideas. But keeping track of what and where all those chunks are (and go) is daunting, and it discourages me. I think that designating certain places for certain types of information, and then creating visual menus linking to those places in a way that makes sense to how the ideas are organized in the overall plan, could be a vast improvement on the method I have now - which is to just use multiple text documents designating different topics or sections of the story.

In other words, what I'm trying to say is, I have this idea for creating a story that, instead of being a linear cover-to-cover experience, is actually a more visual web-discovery kind of experience. Imagine a fan site based off of a book or movie, where the main page is, say, a map of the land where the story takes place. Then, on the map, there are links to various sections of that land where things happen, like cities, for example. And there are character bios that you can click on with images and descriptions of the characters in the story. Now, imagine that instead of being a supplement to the story, that web-based experience was the actual story itself. You wouldn't necessarily have to read it in a certain order. Granted, the main narrative of the story would still have to be read a certain way for it to make sense, but not all the parts necessarily have to be experienced in the same order. If you're curious what happens here or there, or with this or that character, then check it out! This probably wouldn't work with a traditional narrative, but I'm thinking of a radical new kind of narrative-based experience. It's based off of a fictional world that exists outside of the course of the main narrative. Imagine a Lord of the Rings website with a map of Middle Earth, and you can click on Rivendell and read about what the place is like, its history, character bio for Elrond, and also click a link to parts of the book that recount events that occur in Rivendell.

I think this could possibly be a revolutionary new way to experience entertainment. Not to say that this sort of thing has never been done before, but it doesn't seem like the kind of thing that's widely considered as an option when a person sits down and says, I have this cool idea in my head for a story, and I want to tell people about it. I mean, they could put up a website, but it's still bound to not be quite as immersive or as extensive as what I'm imagining in my head.

So is what I'm imagining actually possible to the extent that I'm imagining it? I dunno. The point here is not for me to revolutionize entertainment and give people an entirely new form of experience. If that happens, that's great, but remember, the goal is simply for me to formulate my ideas in a way that feels much more natural to me, and easier, than current conventional methods. I have these ideas in my head, and it's like they exist in different psycho-spacial areas because of where they fit into the grand 3-D (or more) framework of my overall world plan that serves as the backdrop for the story I want to tell. It's like, I think that maybe utilizing the power of hyperlink technology, I can recreate an experience that's one step closer to those neuronets of brainwaves, which means being one step closer to the pure idea that serves as the basis of art, and sacrificing less in the process of expression.

It sounds great, but there's still a lot of expression that needs to be accomplished. There are still lots of words to be written, and, if possible, a lot of pictures that could be drawn. I can work on the words, but I'm having trouble working up any kind of confidence in my non-ability to render visual ideas into visual images.

The worst part is that I can't decide if my inability to work within pre-defined parameters, and my great desire to revolutionize the world, is something deliberate that will someday lead to great innovation, or if it's just another symptom of my failure as a human being.

Ascension, and Seven Sins

I've long been intrigued by the term 'ascension', and the ideas it conjures. To me, it's sort of like a more appealing version of 'enlightenment'. In fact, ascension is the main theme (and current title) of one of the two 'major' stories I'm working on trying to write (which I believe I've mentioned before). Maybe the idea's not entirely original, but I have a personal attachment to it, so I'm not concerned. My story is structurally similar to The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri, but the major difference is that while Dante was merely a visitor, the character in my story is an 'inmate' - he's not just taking a tour, so he's actually quite invested in his journey.

It's not like I've made any progress on the story in the past few months, but it *has* been coming up in my thought stream the past few days. One part in particular. While exploring hell, the main character is brought before a trial of the commanding demons of the abyss. These are the most powerful of the fallen angels, who once served under God, but they have since been transformed by their hatred in a way that reflects the nature of their individual crimes against God. Specifically, there are seven of these demons, who each originally defined one of the seven deadly sins. The trick for me is making the original sin seem like something noble (because admittedly, the aim of my story is to portray God as the villain), and yet, make their present form a believable, if extreme, extension of that frame of mind. I have no intention of making the devil look like a good guy. I mean, he's still badass and everything, but he's evil for all the right reasons. It's like, if you throw an innocent person in jail for life, and they spend their entire life harboring a grudge which grows inside them like a cancer, ultimately turning them into an evil monster seemingly without conscience. But he's really just acting out his frustration against fate and the whims of the creator, whom he secretly draws plans against. Well, that's totally the undercurrent of my story.

Anyhow, I've been thinking about those fallen angels, and what they'd be like, based off of the ideas of the seven deadly sins. There's something endlessly fascinating about the seven deadly sins. I like it when things are organized into a nice pattern, and seven is one of my favorite numbers, but I'm sure a large part of the appeal comes from the fact that these are vices, and they have that "bad boy" image. I mean, I've never been particularly interested in the seven holy virtues! So anyway, you see the theme of the seven sins come up a lot, but again, that doesn't concern me. I have yet to find the perfect representation of them, and I feel like I might be able to draw that out of my own head. I recently picked up a straight-to-video movie (called Fallen Angels), that told a story about seven sin-related demons, but regretfully, after getting so excited about it, it ended up coming up short of what I was hoping for.

Of the ideas I have so far, I know the leader of the group will be Pride, as expected. And tied in with vanity, he's the only demon who's able to maintain a relatively beautiful form. Granted, I use the term 'beautiful' in a very relative sense. He's still demonic in appearance, but whereas the other demons are actually disgusting, Pride has something of a more statuesque appearance. In addition to their form, each of these fallen angels has a favorite punishment related to their sin, as well as a backstory about how they initially committed their sin and were expelled from God's kingdom. I'm not about to explain everything I have so far right here; I just want to give you a general idea of what's on the table.

In addition to Pride, Gluttony is a rather easy form to figure out. He's hideously bloated, with many mouths, particularly a huge one on his bulbous belly. And his favorite punishment is, unsurprisingly, eating his victims. Some of them are pretty straightforward - giant phallus and tentacles on Lust, who likes to rape his victims; large muscles and short temper on Wrath, who has a habit of going berserk; etc. - while others are a little harder to crack (Envy?). But either way, what sells these characters is their histories - in a sense, their humanity. Trying to create these characters and fit them into a timeline, keeping them interesting, while maintaining the spirit of the overarching story/goal. I guess that's playing a part in slowing me down.

In addition to the seven fallen angels based on the seven sins, I've thought about adding other demons into the pantheon, based around other concepts that didn't make the seven, like lies, and perhaps things like fear or decay. I also want to use classic names, although then I get concerned about pre-existing mythologies, and matching the wrong name to the wrong personality. But I like the idea of taking the different aspects of the devil, called by different names, and splitting them into distinct personalities. It also parallels the method I used for naming the regions of hell, by taking various names for hell from various belief systems, and using their descriptions to create distinct sections of the entire underworld.

I really think this is an incredibly cool story, and I don't know if that shows through at all in what I've explained here, or anywhere else. It probably sounds really cliche, which is understandable, but I've already said that this is my story, and I want to tell it. Course it's hard to get over the feeling that no matter how cool I think the idea of it is, in the end, it might not be all that amazing a read. But then, there's only one way to find out. Although I like to think things out extensively before committing anything to the page, I feel it would be beneficial to start writing more, as a way of getting those creative juices flowing. Besides, if I don't like something or change my mind, there's always room for revision, right?

Journal 009

Might as well right now get over the 'fear' of posting two Journal entries (or more?) in a row.

Today was the Superbowl. I actually feel kind of guilty mentioning it, because on the scale of football fandom (or fandom of sports of any kind), I'm located on the extreme with the people who could miss the Superbowl without realizing it - or caring. And I feel like acknowledging it automatically puts me in the group of casual fans who do care a little bit about the game. Well, there are two factors which brought the game to my attention this year. First of all, my dad's a huge football fan; he had no big Superbowl party to go to this year; and kickoff was during dinner - so there was no way I could have not been exposed. And secondly, Tom Petty was playing the half-time show, and I wanted to see that. So, since it was there, I decided to watch for the commercials, too, like any other non-fan would do. Nothing too mind-blowing, but you can tell that the stakes are higher - I know it wouldn't make sense financially and all that, but why can't advertisers be at the top of their game for regular commercials? Maybe then, people wouldn't hate commercial breaks so much...

Anyway, Petty's performance was, I'd say, par for the course. Pretty much what you'd expect from Petty playin' the Superbowl. I think I enjoyed the Stones' gig more, a couple years ago, but for a mainstream gig like this, they could do a lot worse than Petty (and truth be told, most of the years it *is* not even worth watching). The amount of sparkle throughout the stadium was pretty impressive. The songs Petty played were American Girl, I Won't Back Down, Free Fallin', and Runnin' Down A Dream. It's not surprising he'd play well-known songs - I mean, you might as well take advantage of that huge audience, and play songs they're gonna be able to sing along with. And besides, Petty doesn't seem like the type to pull out "artist's choice" on an important gig like playing at the Superbowl. I do like the spirit of adventurism in an artist, though, and I hope the rumours about Petty being looser with his setlists on the upcoming tour are true. I've seen him twice already, in 2005 and 2006, with 60% of his playlist repeated. Actually 60% sounds like a lot less than I was expecting.

It's 3 days into February, and I've already managed to slack off one day on my RPM Challenge efforts. But, having played guitar 2 out of 3 days is already a much better average than I've been pulling. I've been playing with both Meddle and Jabberwock, seeing what kind of sounds I can coax out of them - very preliminary stuff. Before a couple days ago, I actually hadn't played Jabberwock in a while, since I've been doing this madness stuff on Meddle. Picking Jabberwock up again, I was immediately reminded of - and impressed by - its bite. Meddle is still better with controlling the feedback, and for sensual tones, but Jabberwock's got the crunch. I'd have to say that Meddle is my blues guitar while Jabberwock is my rock guitar (I'd even say metal, except that I don't play metal). Still though, the bow effect only really works on Jabberwock. So it's looking like I'll definitely be using both guitars in this project. I might have to break and switch, but I think I might try to work out a system where I have both plugged in, and I can sit one down and let it humbuzz while I pick up the other one, turn the volume up, and continue on. Still lots of work to be done.

I was thinking about my project - what the idea behind it will be, what to name the pieces of the composition (because this sort of thing is a lot easier, and at least as fun as, the actual playing and composing) - and I thought that, since the name of my project is already Eight of Swords, I could break it into eight pieces, each named after a famous sword! So then I thought about what famous legendary swords I knew about, and I immediately came up with Excalibur and Masamune. But then I got stuck. What other famous, named swords are there? I thought about picking out swords from Final Fantasy games, but I definitely wanted my project to have a more 'myths and legends' than 'gamer geek' feel. Then I questioned whether I wanted to use supposed real historical swords of legend, or ones from fictional stories as well. But then, there are so many swords, and they each have their own place, how can I extract them like that, for my purposes? I'll obviously be biased toward the swords I've been exposed to.

There's something very appealing to me about the way that the Final Fantasy games have consolidated so much mythology from many different cultures and adopted it for their own purposes. It's a learning tool - a springboard for research. But something about taking those ideas and restructuring them to fit into a new framework... Okay, I'm bordering on ideas and feelings that I really can't explain in words, here. I believe I have mentioned that I've been working on devising my own RPG - dragonfaith (in my To Do List entry). Well, I think about these kinds of things. Consolidating ideas, and creating my own. And when it comes to naming things, even the coolest names from past mythologies often turn out to be pretty straightforward - oh, it's just "fire-sword" in Latin! So, if you call something Firesword now, it might sound pretty stupid, but it could be awesome in a thousand years when everybody's speaking Esperanto! Anyway, I guess the point is, I start thinking about whether there would be more worth in stealing other people's swords, or creating my own. Although, the benefit of stealing other swords is that people know them already. And that was the original point.

I searched Wikipedia for a list of swords. If you've ever surfed Wikipedia, you know how easy it is to get off on tangents. I ended up reading about lightsaber combat and Sith lords...

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. I have no idea what the groundhog did. But I watched Groundhog Day. Very profound movie. A lot more serious than the other two Bill Murray flicks I watched the day before - Stripes, and Ghostbusters. The 80's is an interesting beast. I have an inescapable connection to it, since I was born in the 80's, although I'm probably more a 90's kid, then again those early years were the formative years, weren't they? Anyhow, although the 80's is incredibly lame in almost every aspect, there's a weird appeal to it. It has nothing to do with the music - I think the music is crap. And I don't really respect the fashion, but the fashion has a lot to do with this feeling. Like, when I watch an 80's movie - for example, there were some good slashers in the 80's - there's just something about the whole aura of it that seems so innocent, and so upbeat. Even when talking about slashers. I don't know, it's really weird. There was a movie on TV months ago that I ended up seeing, starring Madonna. It was Desperately Seeking Susan. I'd be hard-pressed to call it a great movie, yet I had fun watching it. I'm tempted to say that there are some unconscious feelings going on relating to that "total 80's chick" (if you remember my Girls entry) that babysat me and my older brother during the 80's. That wouldn't surprise me.

But honestly, don't expect me to be caught dead going to an 80's themed party or going to see an 80's cover band. I think it's stupid how much people glorify the 80's. I think Satanic is definitely on to something with his philosophy about Sting, The Police, and Hip To Be Square.

Went to Wal-Mart last night. I looked through the "outdoors section", just scouting out possible camping-related items for Burning Man. I've been meaning to make up a shopping list, even just a preliminary one to start with. I also saw some bikes at the mart, but I dunno if they were kid's bikes or what. I definitely feel good about getting a bike. Even if it wasn't for Burning Man, I haven't ridden a bike in probably ten years, but everytime I think about it, I feel like it would be a lot of fun. And an excuse to get exercise, too. Like walking, but a little bit more exhilarating, and you could go a lot farther in the same amount of time, see different sights. I dunno if there's a trick to getting a bike, I just want one that's cheap, and comfortable (and that doesn't break down).

Bought myself a giant Reese's chocolate peanut butter heart from the Valentine's Day aisles. Nearly overdosed on that thing. I came to the realization that, although Valentine's Day is kind of depressing when you're alone, the major advantage is that you're free from the stress of having to impress your girlfriend. And boy is that a relief. I mean, I guess the effort is worth it if you get to reap the rewards, but from the other side of the fence, at least you can look forward to not having to make any effort at all.

Zharth (or Between)

In 7th Grade, in my English class, during the unit on Greek/Roman Mythology, we were at one point required to create a new myth based on gods and characters from the mythology we had been studying. It was a narrative assignment. I regret not having a copy of the narrative I wrote on hand, but I can remember bits and pieces of it. The most important part is that I made an effort to invent the name for one of the characters. I wanted it to be unique, but I also wanted it to sound cool. The result was 'zharth'. I liked the 'zh' sound, because it's pretty exotic in our language (pronounced like the 's' in 'measure' - *not* like a regular 'z'). And the 'th' is to be pronounced like in 'breathe' (as opposed to 'breath'). The name is soft, and a little dark, and you have to take your time pronouncing it to get it right. Overall, I think it has a subtlely commanding effect, and its uniqueness allows it to stand out without relying on flair and cheap tactics.

In the narrative/myth, I tried a pretty unorthodox technique to try and give the opening a bang. I sort of jumped right into the middle of the action, then I stepped back and walked the reader up to that action to give it its context. I liked it, but the teacher unsurprisingly hated the effect. I don't remember if my myth had some kind of moral or something, but what happened was that a mortal was taken to Mount Olympus to hold court with Zeus. For some reason I can't remember. I was rushed, trying to finish typing up the story on the computer at the last minute, as class was ending, so I ended up cutting a lot out of the end of the story in the 'final copy' just to get it finished and turned in. But the most important part of the story is in the middle, where the mortal meets with Poseidon, and agrees to escort a mute character named Zharth to Mount Olympus. Reason unknown (in the story - this time it's not because I forgot). Zharth really had nothing to do with the story, I just threw him in there for some reason, to add a little intrigue, or something. But since then, he's become vastly important, as I have adopted his name and developed his personality after my own. Alternatively, you could say that by inventing the character Zharth, I was placing myself into the story, in a nonessential role - a cameo of sorts.

In the cult classic PC game Realms of the Haunting, there's a scene toward the end, where you're talking to Abaddon (Keeper of the Key to the Abyss) just before entering the first level of Sheol. You ask if your adversary has been through the gate yet, and Abaddon explains that he knows people not by their name, but by their soul signature. The soul signature of the one who went before you was Lies - undoubtedly the one you feared, Belial. I've really taken to the idea of a person having a soul signature, which sums up that person's being in a single word. In practice, it's obviously very simplistic, but there's a certain poetry about it. Personally, I'd like to think that my soul signature is Truth, as that is the one virtue I admire most. However, that may be more of an ideal, and if there was one word I'd use to describe my whole existence, it would be Between. So I spent some time further characterizing Zharth - an expression of my soul being - as "The One Who Walks Between". Surely you've heard of the concept of the Happy Medium - well, Zharth is the Unhappy Medium, always torn between two worlds, yearning for both, but belonging to neither.

I see the concept of Between everywhere, when I think about my life and my personality. I am a middle child, second of three sons. I am caught between the conservative ethics of my older brother, and the liberal views of my younger brother. I want to be normal, but I'm attached to my eccentricity. I like to fit in, but I want to stand out. I desire company, but I require solitude. I've studied science, but I'm pursuing art. I respect logic, but I admire intuition. I love the sun, but I am a child of the night. I care for people, but I'm afraid to show it. I want to succeed, but I'd rather relax.

And I just retook the Jungian Types Test (http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/jungiantypestest.html), and once again, the only trait I'm *not* on the borderline for is Introversion. I am Introverted, slightly Intuiting over Sensing, slightly Thinking over Feeling, and slightly Judging over Perceiving. Results are comparable to the last time I took the test, almost two years ago.

To Do List

Contrary to what you may believe, my schedule is just as busy as that of anyone who has a job or goes to school. The primary differences are just that 1) there are rarely any deadlines, and 2) most of the things I "have" to do are actually pretty agreeable tasks. In any case, I have a long list of things I'd like to accomplish, and despite their light nature, I do at times feel quite overwhelmed by them. The worst part is how I tend to avoid the most important tasks for the easiest ones.

Here's my current To Do List, more or less:

Video Games To Play

I recently (4, 5, 6? months ago or so) bought a bunch of classic Final Fantasy titles re-released for Playstation, as I was updating my old FF-related webpage, and it got me in the mood to dig up the old classics. As it turned out, I only had a chance to play FFIV and FFV before I got distracted and pulled away to other things. So I still have FFVI and Chrono Trigger to play through, which is something I want to make a point of doing sooner or later. Priority level for this task is pretty low, at this point, however.

I also got Silent Hill 4 for Christmas. I played through Silent Hill 3 last Halloween, so I'm on a break period before I'm ready to tackle another Silent Hill (you can only visit that town so often - too much and it'll tear your soul apart). So at this point it's just a matter of time, waiting for when I feel the call to return to that spooky resort lake town. Playing a Silent Hill title can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks, or longer, depending on how much I focus on the game - I usually tend to put in long hours, when possible, while I'm working on the game, putting all other tasks in the background. In contrast, the Final Fantasy games could easily take weeks, maybe even up to a month, depending on focus.

PC Games To Play

Never been much of a PC gamer - I've always been the console type. However, there are exceptions. I have two visual novels to play through. One - Fate Stay Night - I've spent a lot of time on. There are three (I believe) scenarios to the game and I've played through the main one. The only thing stopping me from the others is waiting on the translations. So sometime in the future when those are done I anticipate completing the game fully. The other game - Ever17 - I haven't even started yet, but it looks interesting, and it was recommended by a friend, so I'm looking forward to playing it, *sometime* when I get around to it.

In addition to those visual novels, there is always Doom - which will always be my favorite PC game (and one of the greatest games ever made). I started on a voyage to play through the Top 100 custom wads (user-designed levels) as voted by Doomworld.com, but only got through most of the second year (they're ranked as the best 10 from each year, spanning a decade) before I got, once again, distracted and pulled away to other things. I will go through all those wad's eventually - Doom has been with me since the beginning, and I've always come back to it again and again through the years. I suspect the time commitment for playing all those wads, some of which are full-on episodes (groups of 8-9 levels), or more, is pretty huge, but I'm not really in any hurry. I originally started playing through them to inspire me while I was working on designing my own Doom levels (another project that's been put on indefinite hold), but since that's not currently on my mind, neither are the wads.

Anime Series To Watch

I am greatly happy that my anime fandom hasn't died out after all these years. I still love watching anime, as much as I ever have, and it's exciting to be on the front lines, seeing some of the series while they're brand new. But I do have a list of series to plow through, and lately that list has been growing faster than it's been shrinking.

I just finished up Genshiken and Zetsubou, so it's nice to check those off the list, although now it looks like there's an alternate Zetsubou-related series (which I haven't started yet). I still have Bamboo Blade to follow, which I'm guessing is around the halfway point right now (unless it goes longer than the standard 24-26 episodes for a full series). In addition to that, I have a number of series waiting in the wings. Among the series my friend has recommended, that I have yet to dive into, is Hayate no Gotoku which, from what I can tell, goes beyond the 26 episode mark. Also, there are a couple series that I've downloaded in full, and have been waiting on plowing through, but haven't gotten around to yet. Namely, the Lodoss TV series, which I've been dying to see ever since being blown away by the original OAV series, and a series called Negima, which attracted me due to being based on a series written by the creator of Love Hina (a series I very much enjoyed), and the fact that it appears to be chock full of cute girls. What's more, there's also Chobits, a series that I've already seen, but since I re-downloaded it, I've been dying to watch it again, because Chii is so damn cute.

And, as if that wasn't enough, there's also the continuation of the Naruto series, which I'm anxious to catch up with. I made a Herculean effort to watch all the two hundred-some episodes of the first series, much of which consisted of dreaded fan-criticized 'filler' (not *that* bad, though). But even now, with the new series, there's already some 44 episodes or so out, and that's 44 episodes that I need to watch before I'm caught up to speed.

As you can see, I have a lot of anime to watch, meaning a lot of time to be wasted watching it. Priority level on most of it is relatively low, except that when I start a series, I like to finish it in a timely fashion. That, and I'd like to keep up on the current series as much as possible, just to 'stay in the game', so to speak.

Manga To Read

And yes, there is also manga for me to read. I've gotten into manga more and more ever since becoming an anime fan. As far as paper series (as opposed to digital stuff on my computer), I'm following Berserk as it comes out in English, volume by volume. I'm also in the middle of School Rumble, which means I don't want to neglect it, if possible. I'm wary of getting into new series, because of the time (and money) commitment they represent, but there are other series I'm interested in reading.

As for the digital stuff, I still have 11 volumes of Kenshin left to read, which has been sitting around for awhile. I'm keeping up with Claymore as it comes out, but that's just a short chapter a month, which is a very small time commitment, and very easy to stay on top of (and also a very good series). Additionally, I have a few Volume 1's from a few different series recommended by my friend that I've been hesitant to jump into because of the time commitment involved if I end up wanting to read more. There's also 51 chapters of Yotsubato, which I recently picked up.

Books To Read

My pile of books to read just keeps growing, and with every title added to the stack, my heart sinks deeper from the knowledge of the commitment involved. I'm in the middle of Dante's Divine Comedy, which, honestly, I started reading about a year ago. I made it through Inferno, and part-way through Purgatorio, before getting (chime in, kids) distracted and pulled away to other things. It's a bit hard to read, because, being an allegory, there's so much uninteresting placement of political and societal facts which bogs down the narrative. It's unfortunate, because, considering the subject, it hasn't shown itself to be as interesting a read as I was expecting. Still, I'm determined to finish it, rather than give up halfway through. But that's proving to be a tough task.

Once I'm finished with that, I have John Milton's Paradise Lost, of a similar theme, that I'd like to read through (I'm crossing my fingers that it's a smoother read than Dante). The whole idea of reading these books, besides my general interest in the topic of heaven and hell as a plot device (Christian mythology is fascinating as fiction, just not as reality), is to serve as inspiration for my own narrative I'm in the process of writing, about journeying through heaven and hell (more on that later). So I see these tasks as not only something I want to do, but something that might have an important influence on what might be my development as a writer - not that I have any lofty ambitions about being a writer, but I do have ideas that I would love to see published some day (in some form), and it would be a great step in the direction of becoming a real artist - someone who profits from his creative instincts. Therefore, the priority level on reading these is high (and yet I've put them off for nearly a year now...).

You might as well get used to right now the inverse relation between priority level and the order in which things get done.

Originally, I was reading through Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series when I took a break to start reading Dante - my mood was ripe for Dante, though in the long run it seems as though I should have just waited. I plowed through the first four books of the Wheel of Time with great interest, and I maintain my excitement to continue the series . . . eventually.

There's a handful of other books, including the ultimate edition of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, which I bought and intended to read years ago now; some other fantasy titles; and Roger Penrose's The Road To Reality - A Complete Guide To The Laws Of The Universe, a book that I doubt I even have the desire to read anymore. Oh, and there's The Illiad and The Odyssey, which I tried to read once a long time ago, but didn't get very far.

And, in the newcomer's corner, there's Clive Barker's Books of Blood, Volumes One To Three, which I just got for Christmas. I'm interested in reading that, and if I enjoy it, there's a good chance I'll pick up volumes 4-6, as well.

For most of those books, the priority is relatively low - no rush. But I have three titles whose priority exceeds even the 'heaven and hell' titles. About a month ago I picked up three self-helpish books on battling social anxiety. My expectations remain realistic, but I'm still hopeful that they might provide *some* information to help me overcome my obstacles and ultimately get out there and make something of my life. I've been waiting on reading them until after finishing up the massive Stones bio, since I've been reading it for awhile, and now that I'm finally finished with it, I think it's time. But for anyone expecting a magical instant transformation, I refer you to NHK Ni Youkoso.

DVD's To Watch

Leftover from Christmas, I still have both Crossroads Guitar Festivals to watch, as well as the majority of Millenium. Millenium is three seasons, and I have about 70 episodes left to watch, I think, at around 40 minutes an episode, I'd say. I've got into the habit of watching one episode at a time, instead of marathoning it. Generally, I'll watch an episode after dinner on the weekdays.

I also received a few more DVD's for my birthday. Included are 300 (worth it for the oracle scene alone), Sunshine (an interesting title that I'm looking forward to seeing - by the director of 28 Days Later), a triplet of classic Bill Murray titles (Stripes, Ghostbusters, and Groundhog Day - maybe I'll wait till February 2 to watch them!), and a groovy PBS hippie special.

Good stuff to keep me entertained for awhile. Though also to keep me away from the more important tasks...

Important Tasks (Creativity/Becoming An Artist):

First of all, becoming a musician. On the top of my list should be steady practice of the guitar, at least an hour a day average. Of course, I'm notoriously bad at practicing, so this is something that rarely happens, unfortunately. Also, the recording status on my album Clear As Mud has been frozen for something like a year. I lost faith in the recording process somewhere along the way, and I've only been drifting away from the project more and more day by day. I have a second album in mind that I was gonna work on after I finished the first, but needless to say, that one hasn't seen any attention, either. Pathetic, isnt' it?

I have a couple major stories I'm working on. One of them is Jabberwocky, which is tied in with the first original [instrumental] song I wrote on guitar. The story is about a young man who returns from a year of solitary meditation/training in the mountains, to find his home town in ruins, scorched to the ground by a vicious dragon he sees in a vision. He then goes on an epic quest to avenge his family, by first acquiring the skills necessary to conquer the Jabberwock, then finding the beast to finally seek requiem. But he runs into some obstacles on the way, and becomes rather side-tracked after succumbing to a spell inadvertently placed on him by a member of the enchanted race. So far, I've worked out a number of the details, but I've actually written very little of the story.

The other story I've been working on is called Ascension. It's meant to be part of a series, possibly a trilogy - inspired moreso by the structure than the content of Dante's Divine Comedy. The story begins with a soul's awakening in the afterlife. So far, most of the effort I've put in is on the first part of the journey, where the soul travels through hell, encountering all the worst tortures and demons on the way. His goal is to purify his spirit and escape the pits of hell, in an attempt at being redeemed. Ultimately, he'll travel through Purgatory and Heaven, and the long term story I'm planning will involve an overthrow of Heaven, if all goes well. There's a bit of a backstory that I've worked out partially, which serves to introduce the main demon lords of hell, who will serve an important role in the overthrow of Heaven and the war against God. Most of my work on the story so far has been designing the various territories of hell, which I've had great fun working on. To start off, I did a lot of interesting research on the mythos of hell in various cultures (although Christian ideas are most abundant), and used the different names and descriptions I came across to define the various territories of my hell.

There are other stories I've thought about, but I've put much less effort into them thus far, and they're not nearly as important to me as the two described above.

As for the gaming realm, seeing as I fantasized as a child about being a game designer of some sort, I have an idea which makes up the backbone of what I think could be a really cool old-school-style 2D console-type RPG (in other words, in the tradition of the Final Fantasy titles for Super Nintendo). The theme revolves around the conflict between nature and technology, as the story starts up a generation or two after a radical religious cult worshipping ancient dragons uses a magical artifact to bring those dragons to life, commanding them to utterly destroy the mechanical world of man, reducing civilization to a primitive form. The charm of the series is the different types of dragons you have to fight, and the Hunter's Guild which plays a major role in the gameplay. It's something of a labor of love, and I've put a lot of thought into it so far, but there's still so much left to work out. I don't know if it will ever become something, but I like to think that there's a chance. By the way, my title for it is "dragonfaith".

While that project hasn't progressed beyond the "thoughts on paper" stage, I *have* put some "falsifiable" effort into my Doom scenario. As I mentioned above, there are some Doom levels that I've planned out into a scenario, and some of which I've actually spent considerable time on designing - to a point that you can actually test them by playing through them! The scenario is based on the story of Berserk, with level design paying homage to a less known PC horror title, Realms of the Haunting. I call my scenario Realms of the Berserk. If you're not familiar with Doom, you'll probably need a crash course if you're interested in trying my levels. And I'd be happy to help you out if that's the case. If you are familiar with Doom, then hopefully you have an idea of what the modding community is about. If you know about zdoom, and you know what .wad files are, then feel free to have a go at my levels - http://zharth.tenjou.net/doom/rotb/index.html. There's also screenshots and more information about the levels on that page, in addition to downloads of the available levels.

I've been working on this thing for quite a long time. I had early demos of the garden, mausoleum, ravine, and living chasm levels even before I went to college. After college, there was a period when I exerted an incredible amount of effort over a couple of weeks to produce what's available now. There's no telling whether I'll ever finish this project, but I like to think, the longer it takes, the easier to use the programs get (at least I hope that's the case, sometimes they end up becoming even more complicated). Any way, only the future can tell.

Realms of the Berserk is my serious Doom project; I have another project I've put a little work into just for fun. The idea came upon me as a result of the paradoxical inequality in American culture between the treatment of violent material, and the treatment of sexual material. Since Doom is a game that is pretty much 100% violence, I thought it would be interesting to flip it over and transform all of that violence into sex. Instead of bloodthirsty demons, you have sexual deviants with an insatiable appetite for lust. Obviously, it would be very easy to write off a project like this as another case of a horny geek replacing all the sprites with pixellated nudity - like all of those people who give pornography a bad name. But no, that's not my style, so I've made an effort to make it interesting, and even tried to tweak the gameplay in very simple but fun ways. Of course, it's only a side project, so there's not much to show for it, and I doubt I have quite the skills necessary to pull (jerk?) it off (largely in the graphics department). Still, I think it's a fun idea to play around with.

Avoidance

Well, getting back to the task at hand, the problem you can clearly see is that the more something needs doing, the less inclined I am to do it. The problem is, when I see a task, I treat it not as something to do, but something to be done. Something to be checked off the list, to be taken off the stack. And so I tend to default toward the things that produce the best results. If I sit and practice guitar for an hour, it doesn't really feel like I got anything done. I don't feel like I'm any better of a guitarist than I was an hour ago. But if I watch a couple episodes of an anime series instead, then I can check those off my list, and I know I'm closer to the end of the series. Even when I was in school, and had multiple homework assignments, I tended to want to do the short and easy ones first. That way, I'd get them out of the way, instead of risking working for hours on a tough assignment, not finishing it, and feeling discouraged because I don't feel like I really accomplished anything in those hours.

There are other issues involved, I know. Altogether, it's very confusing to me, and I keep trying to put the pieces together, to figure out just why I defeat myself like this, by not doing the things that'll produce the more important results down the road apiece (sorry, that was an early Stones reference). And no matter how much I think about it, and acknowledge the problem, it doesn't seem to get any easier to remedy it. I just don't know how to do anything that's not natural to me, and so I keep on continuing the way I've always known how. I have to wonder if it's anything like what an addict goes through, who realizes the problems his addiction is putting him through, but can't seem to shake it no matter how he tries. Except I'm not really addicted to anything (except leisure...and comfort). It has to be a bad wiring in my brain. But how can it be fixed? Can it be fixed?

43 Things

I happened upon this website called 43 Things, and I was intrigued by it. The idea is that you can create an account and then specify 43 things you'd like to accomplish in life. You can either choose things other people have already created, or you can create your own. You can also leave comments about your progress in accomplishing those goals, and help other people meet goals you've accomplished in the past. For me, it just seems like a great excuse to organize a bunch of my ideas about things I would love to do one day in my life (whether I realistically expect to do them or not). It's a great way to discover just what it is I'd really like to get out of life, and how I could make my life better by fulfilling my dreams. Here, I'll list the 43 things that I picked out, and describe the what or why of each one (and maybe how?).

I Want To...

...Live in a loft.

I think I've finally discovered what those apartments are called. I think they're called loft apartments - the kind that looks like a warehouse or some kind of studio, that's been re-dedicated to become a living space. You see it in movies sometimes, usually with artistic characters (although, I remember at least one with a scientific character). Typically there's like a cargo elevator that you have to take to get up to the apartment. The apartment itself is very open, with a high ceiling, and sometimes an upper level, and it's like all one big space without a lot of walls between rooms. I've never actually been in one. But ever since I started seeing them in movies, I've fantasized about living in one. It just seems like it would be such a cool place to live.

...Live in a lighthouse.

I've also fantasized about living in a lighthouse. Doesn't it sound romantic? Maybe only for a loner like me, but the idea of living in a tower by the sea, with a commanding view of sea and shore, is the stuff of dreams. No people to bother me, and my house is my job. Ideally, I'd love to run a radio station directly from the lighthouse, like the one character in John Carpenter's The Fog.

...Live on a lake.

Growing up, the annual family summer vacation was a visit to a resort lake town. We'd go to the beach sometimes, too, but the lake was every year. In fact, I went there every year without fail, until about 6 or 7 years ago, I think. I still wanna go back some day. At any rate, I've learned the pleasures of living on a lake. I can just imagine owning one of those nice lodges right next to the water, with a nice grassy yard, and trees all around, with a personal dock and a few boats for going out on the water. It's always more fun going to a store or restaurant when you get there by boat. It would be such a peaceful and relaxing existence...

...Own a beach house.

Alternatively, I wouldn't mind owning a beach house, either. One of those really nice and fancy ones, with a private beach. Boy, if that's not living the dream...

...Live in the Winchester Mystery House.

I know it's not really available for buying up and personally living in, but I still have a dream to live in that house one day. If you don't know the story, this is the house built by the heiress to the Winchester fortune. She was a little mentally unstable, so she actually held seances to decide how the house should be built. The result is a maddening example of unconventional architecture. Stairs leading to nowhere, doors that open to brick walls, secret passages, it's insane. And some people say it's haunted. Following in the footsteps of Jimmy Page with the Aleister Crowley mansion (Boleskine House, on the shores of Loch Ness), this is my dream house.

...Start a radio station.

I had a radio show in college, and it was one of the most enriching experiences of my life. I enjoyed it so much, getting to spread my music, and the things I had learned about it, to the people of the community (or at least the one or two who were tuned in). I'd love to be a radio dj again. In fact, I bought an FM Transmitter so I could sort of play the dj for a radio station localized completely within and around this house. But I have problems with the way commercial and big-name radio stations run things. You hear the same old boring songs over and over again, and you don't get that thrill of hearing something unfamiliar, or getting to know the dj's personal taste. I'd love to start a radio station of my own, throwing all of those useless conventions into the trash. I haven't yet warmed up to the idea of internet radio, but maybe that's ultimately the direction I'm gonna have to move in...

...Learn to play the blues.

This is something I've been meaning to do at least since I graduated college. I absolutely love the blues, and I feel the music resonates within my soul in a special way. I can really feel a good blues guitar solo, and one of the things I want most in life, is to be able to play a moving solo like that - improvised. So this is something I really want to work on. I've played guitar for at least 6 years now, but I really want to learn the stuff I need to be a real blues guitarist. I need to get lessons.

...Get better at guitar.

I'm completely self-taught, so far. I've dabbled in music theory, with scales and chord patterns and such, but I haven't really gotten a firm hold of any of that. Basically, my current style of playing guitar is wildly anarchic. It's more noise than music. I love it, and it can be quite a mind-expanding experience, but I also want to be able to play better conventionally. Songs and solos and stuff. The kind of thing I originally picked up the guitar for. So that maybe I could actually play in a band.

...Be in a band.

I play guitar mostly on my own. I go to open stages sometimes and show off my ear-splitting style. But I've always wanted to be the guitarist in a band. I want to impress people with my playing, but I don't want to have to carry the whole show. And although I like singing enough to want to continue doing it here and there, for most songs I'd love to just sit back and play the music, letting somebody else focus on the vocals.

...Become a rockstar.

Honestly, I'd settle for being a bluesman playing in bars, but what I'd really love is to be a rockstar. My ideal image of rock stardom? Jimmy Page. He's got the chops, he's got the style, he's got the occult mysticism fueling his persona of coolness. I can't imagine the experience of being a guitarist like that in a really good rock band, it must be amazing. And I wouldn't mind being chased by swarms of girls, either. This one's more 'dream' than 'goal'.

...Find my dream job.

Maybe I already know what it is, and it's just a matter of acquiring it. Like being a rock star, or a bluesman, or a radio dj. But I'm not completely sure. I don't like the idea of working in a job that I hate, just for the sake of making a living. I really want to enjoy my job, and I want it to be an enriching experience in my life. I'm not sure yet whether or not this is an attainable goal.

...Move out of my parents' house.

It's incredibly convenient living here. I don't have to pay rent. I don't have to pay for food. I don't have to pay for any sort of utilities. But it's not 'my place'. I want to live somewhere that feels like it's really mine. Where I'm not a guest, who has to always consider the burden he's placing on the person letting him stay there. I want to show that I can make it in the world, that I'm my own man, and that I'm out there. I feel like that would give me more freedom to actually be who I want to be. Maybe these are just convenient feelings, but I still think it's important to move out from under the roof of my family's shelter and protection. For them as much as for me.

...Be a ghost hunter.

I've been fascinated with ghosts for a long time. I don't actually believe in them, but I am curious, and I know the fear that can come over you when you're in the dark and you start thinking about strange possibilities. I've always wanted to actually visit a real haunted place, and try to find evidence of ghosts. Though a skeptic, I'm open to possibilities, and all this 'evidence' people have experienced - I'd like to experience some of it firsthand. Besides, it just seems like an exciting thing to do, going to a haunted location with some friends or cohorts, looking for evidence of the supernatural. Even if it was just taking pictures in a graveyard at night, I would love to try some sort of ghost hunting some day.

...Learn Kendo.

I've also been fascinated with swords and sword fighting from a young age. Swords have always been infinitely more interesting to me than any sort of guns. I've played around with toy swords plenty, but I'd like to learn some real skills. I actually did study a little bit under an Aikido master, who taught me to at least be comfortable holding Japanese bokken, shinai, or katana. But I would absolutely love to learn more. For me, there's a lot of grace in martial arts. I've never been very interested in dancing, since it seems to be so capricious and unfocused (social dancing, anyway) (plus the fact that it's incredibly embarrassing), but I find a great sense of beauty in the careful and precise motions of the martial arts. Throw a sword into that (which also limits the hand-to-hand contact that I don't particular like), and you've got me interested.

...Draw more.

Ever since becoming interested in Japanese anime, I've flirted - as many other fans have, I'm sure - with the idea of drawing those kinds of characters. In high school, I made a concentrated effort to learn to draw in that style. I bought (and still have) a stack of instructional books with many sketched figures, that I spent some time drawing from page for page. In addition to getting some good practice, it was also an exciting crash course in anatomy. I built up a collection of pages of largely embarrassing sketches, but I never really went anywhere with the drawing. I love the idea of being able to take an image from the mind, and bring it into realization in a form you can see, and can show others, but I've just never been that good. So one of my minor goals in life is to draw more frequently, with the hopes that continuous practice will make me better and better, to the point where I can actually draw something from my mind, that's nice enough to look at.

...Cosplay.

I actually have cosplayed, so this should probably either be "cosplay more" or "cosplay better". For those that don't know, cosplay is a form of costume play usually associated with anime fandom, where people dress up as their favorite characters, usually (but not always) for conventions and such. The couple of costumes I've worn in the past have been pretty sub-standard, I think. I've cosplayed as a generic ninja from Naruto, as well as a mediocre Griffith from Berserk. I think dressing up in exotic costumes can be exciting, especially when there's a character behind it that you like or respect. I'm no good at sewing or making clothes in any form, and don't have a particularly strong desire to learn, so I think I'd rather be a cosplay model, with somebody else designing costumes specifically for me. It's not really something I expect to do in a major capacity, but I think it would be fun if I had the chance.

...Write stories.

I don't have *major* aspirations of being any sort of writer, but I do already have some specific stories in my head, that I'd like to take more time to get down on paper (computer). Of the two main stories I'm working on, one is about a young man who goes on a journey to slay a dragon in order to avenge his family and hometown (it's actually a lot more interesting than it sounds by that description), and the other is about a soul's journey through heaven and hell, and the eventual overthrow of God's kingdom. I have others in mind, and I would love to see even just one of these ideas fleshed out into an actual complete story.

...Take more pictures.

I've mentioned my interest in photography. Early on, I spent a lot of time taking pictures of sunsets and cloudscapes. I have a particular interest in capturing the beauty of nature, in its many forms. I love seasonal shots that show the difference in a specific spot during different seasons. I don't really take a lot of pictures, but I always seem to enjoy it when I do. So I'd like to make a point to take more pictures. Part of the problem is the inconvenience of carrying a camera around with me everywhere I go (not to mention making sure I always have batteries charged and ready), and another part is not wanting to draw attention to myself by pulling out a camera, or having to worry about taking pictures of someone or something that I shouldn't be. But I have some shots that I'm proud of, and I'd like to get more.

...Read every book I own.

I have an interest in reading, but I also have a habit of avoiding reading when I could be doing something else. I have a stack of books on the back burner, that I haven't read yet, that I've been meaning to read for awhile. My best friend is a bookophile, so he seems to constantly be recommending more and more titles. Other people dump books off on me sometimes, if they think I'd be interested in them. Basically, I'd really like to just go through the stack and read everything I own, so I don't have to feel tied down and backed up anymore. But realistically, I know that even if I did read every book I own, it wouldn't be long before I'd get a few more and the stack would grow anew...

...Record my music.

As a starving artist and a struggling musician, it would make sense for me to record my music. I have written a hand full of songs, and just recording some of what I play in general would be a good idea. I've been working on an album since graduation, but it's been over a year and progress has pretty much halted. I really need to kick myself into gear and finishing recording what I have ready, so I can put that album behind me and move on, start thinking about new projects. This could be essential to my progress toward finding and gaining my dream job.

...Be in love.

I've been in love a few times in my life, and though there's usually an amount of pain that comes with it, especially when things don't work out (and face it, most relationships fail), I still believe that love is the most powerful and the most amazing emotion known to man. Love is the reason we live. For a person like myself, who doesn't meet people often (and when I do, I tend not to make the best impression), finding someone to love isn't easy. Being desperate doesn't necessarily mean that my standards are any lower than they would be otherwise, though. I don't play games; I want someone who can make a profound impact on my life. Ultimately, though, I just want to be in love again.

...Have sex outdoors.

For someone who reveres nature, and worships love, there is little more exciting than the idea of making love in the great outdoors. There are any number of intriguing conditions, too. A grassy field under the full moon. A warm day under the hot sun. A sandy beach with a bit of seaspray. Up against a tree, or in a hot tub (or spring) under the falling snow. I'm interested in a little environmental experimentation. I just have to find a willing partner first.

...Be a nude model for an art class.

I mentioned this in a previous entry. The idea of it excites me, and it's totally something that I'd love to try, if for nothing else than to be able to say that I tried it. It really makes me nervous to think about it though, making myself the center of attention like that, not to mention being nude in front of strangers. But that's the kind of barrier that I'd like to break down, if I can. I just want to be free, and be me.

...Be nude more.

And, in that vein, I just want to be nude more. More often and in more places. I don't want to have to hide it from people, either. I don't know how realistic this goal is, considering the way most people seem to feel about nudity. But I'm interested in pushing the boundaries. When and where I can.

...Learn Japanese rope bondage.

I actually already own a length of bondage rope, and I've played around with a few ties (on myself). Something about bondage in general intrigues me. I'm not into the heavily dominant-submissive or sadomasochistic lifestyles (oh my), or the extreme bondage thing, but leather and other shiny fashions are attractive, and something about having a girl tied up really turns me on. I figure it has to do with the whole confidence thing - making the girl my toy and robbing her of the ability to have any sort of mind of her own, where she could reject me or try to take control of the situation, puts me at ease and gives me a kind of power trip that I'm not used to having. It's nothing psychotic, though, I just think I could have a lot of fun with it. And I'm totally willing to take turns. I just have to have someone that I can completely trust to do this with. In the mean time, I could do for learning some techniques, and becoming more familiar with different kinds of knots (maybe if the Boy Scouts were allowed to test their skills on the Girl Scouts, I wouldn't have been so quick to quit, all those years ago).

...Beat social anxiety.

I think this is self-explanatory. I mean, this is a large part of what this blog is about, isn't it? Social anxiety has plagued me all my life, and I've been fighting it constantly, but I haven't been able to beat it yet. I'm certain that if I can beat it, the quality of my life will increase drastically. No matter what it takes, this is something that has to happen.

...Be more confident.

Related to my social anxiety, I seem to lack any kind of confidence in social situations. I'm soft-spoken (that is, when I speak at all), and I have a hard time asserting myself and getting my ideas and feelings across to people. I need to have more confidence, in saying what I mean to say, as well as saying it more clearly and in a louder voice, so that people aren't so quick to ignore me.

...Become a better conversationalist.

See above. I have a hard time holding a conversation with most people. I find it difficult to relate to people that I don't know real well - it seems like it's either they're gonna talk about what interests them, and bores me, or else I could try talking about something that interests me, which will undoubtedly bore them (something I obviously don't dare to try). Conversations with me are largely one-sided, and this isn't a good thing. My social life is filled with awkward pauses. I respect comfortable pauses and silences, but I wish I could learn to replace those awkward pauses with genuinely interesting conversation.

...Overcome my fears.

I'm a pretty timid person. I tend to let my fears control me and my actions. I need to break free of these chains. I know that, based on past experience, most of my fear is irrational and unfounded, and serves only as a barrier to realizing my potential and in a lot of cases, just having a good time. Don't be guided by fear!

...Live up to my potential.

I kind of mentioned it above, but I feel like the quality of my life isn't a result of who I am, or what I necessarily deserve, but that it's more a product of my disorder. I'm a college graduate, with a degree in physics. I'm a smart guy. I'm kind and I'm sensitive, and I care about people. I'm interested in getting to the truth of things and not deceiving and bull-shitting people. I deserve to be in a better position, and conquering social anxiety is an essential step in living up to my potential.

...Change my name.

For awhile now I've played around with the idea of changing my name. Kind of like spirituality, I think a person's name is something that one should decide for oneself, after having enough time to discover one's true nature. But the trouble is that I'm not entirely sure what name I want to have, or if I might decide to change it in the future. So I've kind of resorted to mostly just using nicknames. Maybe it's just as well.

...Spend an entire day watching the extended version of all three Lord of the Rings movies back-to-back-to-back.

Yeah, I've been meaning to do this ever since I completed my collection with the extended edition of The Return of the King. It's quite a commitment though, considering that it will almost certainly take over 12 hours. I've done the equivalent in the past, though, I just need to find the right time (and possibly the right company) when the mood is right.

...Learn how to surf.

Uh, yeah. I haven't had any experience whatsoever, but when I see people surfing (like in tv and movies, since I don't live near the beach, and rarely get to go to the beach), I get the feeling that it would be a lot of fun, riding the waves like that. Plus, I'm all for a beach kind of lifestyle. It's something I'd like to try if I ever happen to be in the right kind of place.

...Swim with a shark.

I grew up watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Sharks are awesome. I'm not a huge animal lover, but I have loads of respect for sharks. They're so majestic, kind of mysterious, they rule the sea, and despite being apex predators, they're not bloodthirsty monsters, and you can interact with them almost one-to-one, if you understand their behavior and are willing to treat them with the respect they demand. Anyhow, I definitely want to get a chance to swim with a shark (or better yet, sharks), at least once in my life. And in their natural habitat, not some lame aquarium or something.

...Find a fairy.

I'm a little obsessed with fairies (and elves, too). I find it strange that people generally consider fairies to be a girly thing. I mean, we're talking about little naked chicks with wings. Sounds kind of hot, to me. But being a guy, I feel out of place and embarrassed by looking at fairie-related products, or putting pictures of fairies up on my walls (I don't think I've actually done that yet, specifically - though I have shamelessly adorned my guitars with faerie stickers). Anyhow, I don't really believe in fairies, but I do have an interest in fairie mythology and they do have an ambiguous yet central place within my spirituality as a kind of natural symbol. I might not believe in them as is, but I do believe that searching for one can be a meaningful experience.

...Start a revolution.

I have some pretty unusual ideas about things, I think. I suspect that a lot of my anger towards society is misdirected frustration about my own inabilities to become who and what I want to be, but still, I think some of my ideas could go a long way towards creating a better society. I'm not claiming to have all the answers. I just have some ideas that people need to consider. And a revolution, to me, is a romantic notion of changing the world to better suit my tastes.

...Perform a concert to an empty coliseum in Pompeii.

This is one of my dreams. If you've ever seen the Pink Floyd video, Live At Pompeii, that's what I want to do. Just play to an empty stadium during twilight, and on into the darkness. It'd partly be a tribute to Pink Floyd, but we'd play original music - post-rock - so as not to make the mistake of trying to do something that's already been done before.

...Walk more.

I love to walk. It gives me a chance to think, and a chance to recognize the world around me, outside of the places I spend most of my time in. Plus, it's a good way to get exercise, that isn't overly exhausting. I've been spending so much time in my room, sitting at my computer, that I don't even walk as much as I used to. I'd like to make a point to get out and walk more (but moreso when the weather gets warmer...).

...Participate in a ritual at Stonehenge.

I just love the idea of this. I'm sure Stonehenge is awesome, and I bet it would be so profound to participate in a ritual there. I love the idea of using stones to create a giant solar calendar. I wish I had a setup, like some kind of special garden or hilltop or something, with a good view of the horizon in every direction, with markers setup to make meaning of the passage of the heavenly bodies. Get in tune with the ancients (we are of the sun).

...See the aurora borealis.

This just sounds like it would be a really cool thing to see. I love weather, and I have an interest in astronomy, and seeing something special like this would definitely be something to remember. I'd like to make a point of it someday.

...See a total solar eclipse.

I remember seeing one in grade school, but I was young then, and it's been a long time. The solar eclipse is one of the most fascinating astronomical occurrences visible from the Earth. The idea of opposites, of day becoming night, light becoming dark, and the sun being swallowed by the moon, intrigues me. And it's just a beautiful, moving experience. I definitely have to see another one some day.

...Wear more interesting clothes.

When I do wear clothes (heh), they're pretty mundane. I wear t-shirts that I like, but ultimately it's just a matter of putting on what's easy and what's comfortable. I like the idea of wearing some more interesting fashions, like bellbottom jeans, some kind of interesting boots (that aren't too feminine, but not overly masculine either), more buttoned or flowy shirts, maybe even some jewelry (maybe), perhaps a neat hat every now and then. Dressing up can be a lot of fun - the reason I hate it so much is because first of all it's a pain, and then it's usually boring clothing that I don't like. If I had interesting clothes that actually expressed my unique outlook on life, and successfully matched my laidback attitude with my personal sense of style, I think it could not only be fun, but could also boost my confidence. Plus, I'd be bound to get more attention from people, and by standing out, they'll know right away that I'm different, so I don't feel so bad when their mundane ways start to bore me.

...Get new glasses.

Ok, I was kind of running out of ideas by the 43rd thing, but it's true that I need new glasses. The prescription seems to be fine (it's a miracle that I've gone so long without really needing an upgrade), and I like the look of the glasses I have now just fine. The trouble is that the lenses are so scratched up that it actually causes a visible difference in the clarity of the image I see. I generally just deal with it, but it gets annoying sometimes, and I should really just get new lenses already. The problem is that I don't like the idea of going in and having to risk talking to the doctor and having to do an eye test or schedule an appointment or anything like that. That's pretty much kept me away...