You know that feeling you get every time you look at a girl when you're out in the real world? You know, that horrible feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you realize that your very purpose for existence - pairing off with an attractive member of the opposite sex in order to immortalize your genes in the form of wonderful, precious offspring - is hopelessly out of your reach? The feeling of knowing - knowing! - that that girl you would give the entire world to if she asked for it, wouldn't so much as spit in your general direction - that is, if she had any idea you even existed? The only reliable way to eliminate that feeling is to stop going out into the real world. Shut yourself in, so that you'll never have to feel bad while looking at a girl again. After all, real girls are just a reminder of how much of a failure at life you are, right? They are the enemy.
Now then, in order to survive, you're going to need a steady supply of food. If you're lucky enough to be loved by your parents more than you obviously deserve, you can take advantage of their unselfish good will and force them (by threat of the shame of having to admit that their wonderful, precious offspring, with whom they share their genes, is a socially awkward, incompetent loser) to provide you with the basic necessities of life. Otherwise, you'll need a dishonest source of income that doesn't require you to interact with society (like inheritance - hint, hint), so that you can sneak out under the cover of night to your nearest convenience store to pick up a crate of cup ramen and a case of soda every few weeks, as necessary.
Now that you're sufficiently cut off from the world and its constant reminders of your inadequacy as a human being, you can begin to lose yourself in the wonderful world of fantasy. In this day and age, it is imperative that you have a reliable internet connection, so that you can steal enough media to keep you entertained for the 20 hours of each day you'll spend staring at your computer monitor with nothing better to do. If you have the cash, you can boost your power level among other illustrious shut-ins (with whom you will be conversing on web-based image boards, of course), by padding your shelves with rows upon rows of anime DVDs and manga compilations. It's a great way to show off both your personal taste, and your dedication to the lifestyle.
By now you should already be aware of the great appeal of 2D girls. All 2D girls are pretty, and they're always pretty - even when they have bad hair days, they are still adorable. And they never age. They are perfect because they're drawn to be perfect. Spend enough time with them, and you'll never be able to appreciate 3D girls with all their gross imperfections again - and this is a good thing, because 3D girls rejected you, remember?
With 2D girls, no matter how much you stare at them and drool, fantasizing about all the nasty things you'd like to do to them (probably fueled by those fan-made hentai doujins you were reading earlier), they will never - I repeat, NEVER - so much as glance at you with a disapproving look (unless that turns you on, because seriously, every interest is accounted for). They never complain, they never nag, they never get mad at you for saying the wrong thing, and they don't care how revolting you look or smell, or how wretched a person you are. They will still love you! They will let you do anything you want to them, and they will always be available to listen to you complain about how much life sucks, without interruption.
So what kind of anime girl is right for you? The Lifeless Doll, who won't ever bother you with memories of what it's like to feel? The Magical Girl, an ordinary schoolgirl who moonlights as a crime fighter? The Pop Idol, whom everybody adores? The Tsundere, who is just as likely to kick you in the groin as kiss you? The Quiet Bookworm who wears glasses? The 900 Year Old Child, combining the wisdom of maturity with the spryness of youth? The choices are endless!
If you don't know what you want, then I suggest playing a few dating sims, so you can try the different types of girl out, until you find something you like. And why limit yourself to one? You could choose to lovingly dedicate yourself to a single waifu, or you could spread yourself around - it's entirely up to you and your principles. I, personally, am polyamorous. My affection knows no bounds. I'm not jealous, either. Beware, if you don't like to share, you may have a lot of angry fanboys to fend off when you finally announce your choice of waifu. But stand strong, and don't ever let anyone tell you you can't have the one you love, just because she loves another. She's your waifu, only you know her true feelings. =D
Once you've got a waifu, you must honor and cherish her. The best way to do this is to post likenesses of her up and down the walls of your room (posters, cloth wall scrolls, and even pencil boards work well), and to purchase plastic effigies of her to line your shelves, and especially your computer desk.
And don't forget to feed her! Holidays are a great excuse to have a romantic dinner.
And when you're finally ready to consummate your fantasy marriage, you can look into getting a nice, soft, huggable version of your waifu, that you can actually take to bed with you.
This is a big step, and you might be feeling uncertain about whether you're ready for it, but how can you show true dedication to your waifu if you're sleeping alone? Go the distance; she'll thank you for it, and you won't regret it. Plus, if you're feeling especially excited, there are certain devices you can look into getting that will enhance your time together. ;)
That's it! Follow these four steps and you will never be lonely again. If you do it right, your attraction to 3D girls will subside, as they can never measure up to the untarnished beauty of all the 2D girls in your life. You'll be just as disgusted by them as they are by you. And that's a step above where you were to begin with. Of course, you'll never get to experience the feel of warm flesh against your body, or know the intimacy that can exist between two individuals who selflessly dedicate themselves to each other, and you can definitely forget about those wonderful, precious offspring you didn't have any hope of having anyway. You could always suck it up and look past your own flaws and failures, lift your head up, and march toward a more confident future - giving real girls a reason to notice you. But really, that's hard work, and the chances of success are too low, and loving a collection of lines on a piece of paper is so much easier. After all, your waifu exists primarily in your mind, and no real girl can ever get that close.
Very well-written and astute work. However... Parody or no, it is not okay to call Rei a "lifeless doll." She's no more lifeless than that irate German bimbo. She just doesn't feel the need to speak up, rather wise of her if you ask me.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of which, upon reviewing Evangelion I have become far more sympathetic to Asuka as her absolutely atrocious personality is clearly a symptom of her maladjustment and not merely in addition to it.
Similarly, as mind-blowingly cute as Ep26 toast-running Rei is, I've realized she's little more than an attractive version of Asuka (loud mouthed bitch), and as such I can't have anything else to do with her. I've decided that the original versions of these characters are endearing specifically BECAUSE of their considerable maladjustments, and that it is those very maladjustments that would make their ascent into normalcy so incredibly rewarding and lucid for them. In other words, you can throw them into a parallel-universe idyllic normal world, but they'd just find it as insufferably boring as all the rest of us do.
On the surface, it may seem like Rei is weak and Asuka is strong, but if you think about it, Rei is the strong character, and Asuka is the weak one, who can't stand not being able to control her environment. On the inside, she is incredibly fragile. I think that's what I was/am attracted to. Rei has to eventually be destroyed, but Asuka falls apart on her own. And then she goes batshit insane, of course. I've always loved those moments where a character finally snaps. For some reason, they're so satisfying. Maybe I can identify with the fear of losing control, and the desire to lash out against this unfair world for everything it's subjected me to. Plus, I love scenes that irrevocably change the status quo. Too many series are afraid to do that.
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