My Spring Feeling

I was about to write up a post about how much I've come to hate the spring in recent years, but then I started thinking about all the things that makes spring nice, and I realized, at best, I have mixed feelings about the season.

Being the equinox seasons, when things are in flux, spring and fall both seem to have a more extroverted character. There are really only two seasons - summer and winter - but the interstices between them are rightfully honored for that very character. Whereas summer and winter kind of descend upon you gradually, until you think to yourself, well, it's summer/winter by now, I can tell that, fall and spring actually seem to reach out and grab you, as if saying, "look at me, I'm spring/fall, and I'm coming!"

Well, I can already feel spring. I don't really go outside regularly this time of year, so I have no idea what the weather's like (it certainly doesn't /look/ like spring yet), but I can feel it inside me, that spring is approaching. And that wells up a lot of feelings within me.

So what's good about spring? The weather gets warmer, and the sun sets later, meaning even a nocturnal creature such as myself gets to bask in its radiant glow, even if only a little. It rains a lot, and rain is very soothing, very relaxing. Pretty flowers start budding on all the trees, and the beautiful green comes back to reclaim the earth and wipe away the dull greyness of winter.

Oddly, since in theme it seems more of a fall/winter kind of game, I tend to get a desire to pull out Doom and play it some more when the spring rolls around. I wonder if that feeling has any connection to that feeling still ingrained within me that spring = nearing the end of the school year, which in turn means lots of free time to play games and such.

Another thing that spring reminds me of is Easter. It's strange, that though Easter was never nearly as big a deal for me as Christmas was, it has imprinted its signature onto the spring just as much as Christmas has on winter. Related, spring also makes me think about going to church. Note that I don't mean that it makes me /consider/ going, but just that it makes me think of what it was like back in my childhood when I still went. To be honest, I'm kind of jealous of that kind of positive community, and I kind of wish I could be part of one, without the requisite god bullcrap. But I guess people have to have /something/ in common to come together like that... Still, we all deal with the same problems in life, why can't we work through it without defaulting to the giant boss in the clouds? As much as I despise the idea of an atheist 'church', would it be such a bad idea for there to be places where atheists could come together and talk about life and help each other work through problems without invoking the magic word of god? Actually, I'm fairly certain that something like that exists, but it probably has a scary name...

But I digress. One of the primary characteristics of spring is that feeling of new promise. With the rebirth of nature hope springs anew. Life and love is in the air. And yet, though this has in the past had a positive effect on me, these days it does more to depress me than rejuvenate me. I feel as if I'm Persephone, except that I have still to remain in the underworld while the world above springs to life again without me. All those promises are empty, and the hope is, truthfully, hopeless. Making friends, falling in love, living life and having a grand time. These are things I may wish for, but they are things that will not come. And the climate of hope only reinforces that feeling of dread emptiness within me. The world goes on around me, and I'm trapped here still, in this underworld I cannot escape.

Jerry: Oh, so there's still hope.

George: I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.

Jerry: Oh, so hopelessness is the key.

George: It's my only hope.